Ramblings of a Short Fat Goalie

Sully Scores In Old Dawgs 5-1 Win

2012-01-19T17:51:00.003-07:00

The Old Dawgs impressed once again last Thursday night, skating past Touchstone Imaging, 5-1. The victory, combined with the Coyotes 3-2 overtime loss to B&K Supply, stretches the Dawgs' lead to eight points in the SDOHL standings.

The Old Dawgs featured a balanced attack, with five different skaters lighting the lamp. Tito Pijanowski and his baboon heart scored his second of the season with three assists, Rand Peterson his fifth, Dan Cashman notched his fourth, and Mario Lopez banged in his sixth of the winter campaign.

But the real story of the game was 68 year old Mike Sullivan, who scored his first of the season, and first since joining Dawg Nation last summer. His second period redirection of a Pijanowski shot now gives him one more goal than two other skaters on the Dawgs roster, who are apparently more comfortable holding other things in their hands besides hockey sticks.

Jimmy Tiernan

Eddie Cribbs

Goalie Al Sterner returned from yet another knee injury and got his seventh win of the year, turning aside 21 of 22 shots. He was helped greatly by his defensive corps, who limited the quality shots by Touchstone, and made it a fairly easy night in goal for the rapidly deteriorating Sterner.

Not his healthiest season

Pijanowski opened the scoring six minutes into the first period, on one of his patented end to end rushes, featuring the one-handed "polish snowplow".

We've missed that, Tito...

Less than a minute later, Rand Peterson doubled the Old Dawgs' lead, converting a nice feed from Mike Wimmer. So it was 2-0 heading for the middle frame.

Then, at the 16 minute mark of the second, it was time for some history. Pijanowski passed the puck from the point, and Mike Sullivan, who was camped out in front of the net, one-timed a laser past Touchstone goalie Vince Sciandra. Sully now has scored goals in six different decades of playing hockey, and will only be 76 when he gets his chance to improve that record in 2020.

Or there might be one other small possibility...

The Old Dawgs bench erupted, and made so much noise that, for a moment, Sully thought it was 1945, and everyone was celebrating VJ Day. Confused, he joined in.

"Uh...yeah! Fuck the Japs!"

After the game, Sully celebrated his accomplishment by performing a perfect "Tebow", kneeling as he came out of the shower, only wrapped in a towel. Horrified teammates encouraged him to get up, yelling: "Sully! God wants you to get dressed!"

The game seemed a little anticlimactic after the big goal, but the Old Dawgs scored two more in the third period to put the game out of reach. Dan Cashman banged in a rebound from a Mario Lopez shot, and 30 seconds later Lopez took a great cross ice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, skated across the crease, and beat Sciandra to close out the Dawgs scoring.

Sterner lost his shutout five minutes into the third, and it would be impolite to name the player who was completely responsible for giving away the puck, resulting in the lone goal.

But his initials are: Tito Pijanowski.

The Dawgs now face Team Yellow, featuring league scoring leader Paul Truex. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week, an old army photo was found of Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan who served in the Vietnam War (no shit, he really did). He's hardly changed one bit over the years.

Okay, maybe he changed a little. Still a handsome devil, though...

Little Alexi Richardson accidentally walked in this week while her parents Marty and Cindi were having sex. She still can't get this look off her face:

"It looked like daddy was winning!"

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan was arrested after being caught jacking off in a theater while watching the movie Warhorse.

"Jesus Christ- didn't you see his flanks?!!"

I'm Like Phil Collins, But Not In a Good Way

2012-01-14T18:06:00.002-07:00

When I was a much, much younger man, back in the late 70's and 80's, I loved a band called Genesis. In fact, I still do. They played just the kind of music I love, and had a string of hits well into the 90's. But I never got to see them live during their heyday, because they never came to Denver. Phil Collins came a few times as a solo act, and I enjoyed that, but the music was different than when the trio played together.

When they split up later in the 90's, I never thought I'd get the chance to see the group play. Then about four years ago, they got together for a reunion tour that would include a night at the Pepsi Center here in Denver. Well, after spontaneously shitting my pants, I jumped on line the first day and scored good seats. I couldn't have been more excited- my older brother Dale and I would finally get a chance to see the band we'd loved for almost 30 years.

We showed up, along with a shitload of other people around our age, and had a great time for two hours. They played almost all the songs we love, but because their library is so huge, left out a few that we would have liked to hear. It would have taken all night to play every one of their best songs, so we understood.

But there was something just a bit off. The music didn't quite have the same intensity as the original albums, and Phil had to sing a couple of keys lower, because he couldn't hit the high notes anymore. It didn't make the concert bad- it was just different.

It was then that I realized that it was because these guys were just getting fuckin' old. The boys were in their mid 50's, they all gained a little weight, and just couldn't quite bring the same game that they had as younger men. I only ever heard the songs as they were played on the CD's, never live, so I had nothing for comparison over the years. And honestly, it made me a little bit sad.

I bring this up because I just saw a concert of theirs over the holidays called When In Rome, which was recorded in Italy during that same reunion tour. I really enjoyed it, but again noticed that they couldn't play the way they did twenty years earlier. But they really seemed to enjoy performing together again, and the huge crowd in Rome loved the show.

Seeing that concert has made me realize something: the exact same thing is happening to me as a hockey player. Now, please don't get me wrong. I could never play hockey like Phil Collins plays drums. But I'd like to think that at one time, I could at least hold my own in a pretty high level skate.

But these last couple of years, I've discovered that I just can't do the things I did ten years ago. I used to have a pretty decent glove hand, but I tore a rotator cuff a few seasons ago, and it just doesn't have the same snap anymore. I can't kick out for the low shots as far as I did in the past, and both knees are so beat to shit, it takes an extra second to get back up after going down to block a shot.

So just like Phil and the boys in Genesis, I'm playing in a lower key these days. But you know what? I'm enjoying the game more now than at any other time in my life. And here's why:

1) If someone would have told me 20 years ago that I would still be playing hockey three or four times a week at age 53, I would have told them they were fuckin' nuts. After playing so much hockey, plus 25 years of soccer, I thought my chubby ass would have been done long ago. I'm playing on borrowed time here, and I know it.

2) I'm taking this shit a lot less seriously than I used to. When I was playing at a higher level, I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had a bad game. And I was so competitive, I was constantly barking at my teammates if they made mistakes, which I'm still not very proud of. But I've dialed down the intensity a lot over the past few years, though I still do die a little bit every time I let a goal in. And yes, I yell "fuck" every time I have to dig the puck out of my net.

Okay, so I'm still a little competitive.

3) Here's the most important reason I'm loving the game more than ever: I get to hang out two nights a week with my best friends. And I think most of us are to the point now where the beers in the locker room after the game are at least as important as what happens out on the ice. We tell jokes, tell stories about our kids, rehash the game, and bust each other's balls for over an hour. It's brilliant.

This past month, I've been hobbling on a bad knee, so I have had to sit out some games while waiting for the damn thing to heal well enough to try again. But you can bet your ass I've still been there every week, "coaching" from the bench, and hanging with the boys afterwards.

Recently, I read a story about Phil Collins, and how a degenerative back condition has forced him to retire from playing the drums. I wondered if he would miss touring with his mates from Genesis, and what he'd do to occupy his time.

I know that day is coming for me too. The injuries are mounting, it's taking too long to recover, and goalie is the type of position in hockey where it hurts the team too much if you can't be at least halfway competitive. Sometimes you can bury a position player on a line with good teammates, but there's nowhere to hide if you're a keeper.

But I'll worry about that day later. For now, I'll just keep singing a few keys lower, and playing with less intensity than the good old days. Like my man Phil, I'm touring one more time with my best friends, and loving the fuck out of it while I still can.

Old Dawgs Stretch League Lead With Win

2012-01-12T17:03:00.001-07:00

The Old Dawgs moved six points clear of the rest of the SDOHL last Thursday night, courtesy of a solid 6-2 win against the Over- 40's. The long Christmas break didn't seem to affect the boys, as they rolled to their second straight win.

Young goalie Timmy Kmetz, filling in for Al Sterner, who didn't get new knees from fuckin' Santa Claus like he asked, played very well, turning aside 17 of 19 shots. Unfortunately, the two goals given up actually raised the Old Dawgs goals against average for the season, so Kmetz is officially out as a backup keeper.

Dumb-ass...

The Old Dawgs came out strong in the first period, outshooting their opponent by an 11-6 margin, but couldn't solve Over 40's goalie Alan Callison. The first goal of the game came just over a minute into the middle frame, when Richardson received a nice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, and shot a beauty into the top corner.

That lead would be erased ten minutes later, when former Old Dawg and current French bastard Bern Levesque scored two goals in less than 30 seconds. But right after the second goal, Levesque felt uncomfortable being on the team that was ahead, and quickly surrendered.

Just three minutes later though, the Old Dawgs drew level, as John Thielen received a terrific cross ice pass from Eddie Cribbs, and drilled one past Callison. And then with just over a minute remaining in the second, Mario Lopez gathered the puck and found Callison's five-wicket to give his team the lead for good.

The margin doubled just 23 seconds into the last period, when Richardson deflected a nice pass from Cribbs into the lower corner. Then Richardson completed his hattie eight minutes later on another assist from Cribbs and Clinard. And finally Dave Chamberlin closed out the scoring a minute before the end, taking a pass from Mike Freeman, rushing the puck into the Over 40's zone, and sniping Callison for his first of the year.

Chamberlin doesn't get much of a chance to attack, as he spends most of his evening covering for "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who wanders about on the ice like an old man with Alzheimers.

No, not that old man with Alzheimers...

The Dawgs now have a good test tonight, when they face off again with Touchstone Imaging. Sterner is going to try again in goal, so it could be a high scoring affair. Game time is 7:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Over the Christmas break, Old Dawgs forward Mike Freeman took an inadvertent puck to the head while playing on the pond belonging to Graham Richardson. The scar is barely noticeable.

Didn't get a scratch as a football player

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan paid for cosmetic surgery for his girlfriend Trina. It didn't go as well as they had hoped, and Tiernan's interests immediately turned to opera.

"Dammit, I just wanted her to have bigger knockers..."

This week Cindy Richardson forced herself to have sex with her husband Marty. Afterwards, she drank martinis until she could erase that memory from her mind.

"Jesus Christ, that was the worst 28 seconds of my fucking life..."

This week Old Dawgs 68 year old forward Mike Sullivan, searching his "bucket list", wanted to try something he had never done. There wasn't much left he hadn't tried, so in desperation, he attempted to get a blow job from a Springer Spaniel.

Yes, Sully, it was a mistake to friend me on Facebook.

A Little Love From Lockwood

2012-01-06T17:36:00.002-07:00

So I checked my email yesterday, and there was a nice note from a guy named Justin Lockwood. In case you're not sure who he is, Justin is the play-by-play radio announcer for Newcastle United in the English Premier League. He also would be the guy that's going bat-shit in the YouTube clip that's right below this article. If you haven't checked it out yet, please be sure to do so before you leave.

His call on the goal that brought his Magpies side back from a 4-0 deficit in the second half to tie Arsenal is absolutely epic. For me, it's right up there with Al Michaels' "Do you believe in miracles?" call from the 1980 Winter Olympics. In that 47 seconds, Justin completely captures the passion of English football, and how much it means to those people. To borrow an English phrase, it's just fucking brilliant.

I've watched sports in the United States all my life, and there are no fans in any sport here that compare to English and European football fans. And if you happen to have a match that features teams from the same region, or what they call a "derby" (pronounced darby), you can ratchet up the fan intensity tenfold. The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is a love fest compared to Manchester United/Manchester City, Tottenham/Arsenal, and Newcastle/Sunderland. And that's just England- you should see a Real Madrid/Barcelona match in Spain, or a Rangers/Celtic game in Scotland. It's insane- there is nothing here that's even close.

Anyway, I was completely shocked and flattered when Justin sent the email, just to say hello and thank me for putting the clip up on my blogsite. And I have absolutely no idea how he discovered that I posted it. I get lots of hits from other countries- it always baffles me why anyone would bother to read this shit. But I'm grateful for everyone that does, and hope that maybe I can make them chuckle every once in awhile.

So now I get to add the name of Justin Lockwood to the growing list of famous people that have read my blog and sent along a note. For your convenience, I've placed them in alphabetical order. The roster now includes:

Justin Lockwood

Okay, it's not growing that quickly. I guess all the other celebrities are shy.

The Best Goal Call Ever

2011-12-29T16:16:00.042-07:00

This was maybe the best football game I've ever seen (yeah, this is the real football). Newcastle United was down 4-0 to mighty Arsenal, which was the equivalent of being behind four or five touchdowns in American football. And then they came back with four second half goals, culminating in what you'll see when you click below.

Over the holidays, my kids showed me this YouTube video. I had seen the goal itself a hundred times, because it was from one of the most famous matches ever played. But I had never heard the broadcast from the Newcastle radio perspective. What you'll hear when you play this is an announcer named Justin Lockwood, and it will knock your socks off. I've never heard anything like it- gave me the goosebumps.

I Don't Have a Teboner, Just a Quarter-Chub

2011-12-09T13:26:00.004-07:00

For both of you guys out there that read this shit, you might have noticed that I've never written anything about the game of football. And there's a good reason for that. I know it's probably un-American, but I don't particularly care for the game.

In fact, around my house, we use the word "football" to describe what the rest of you cretins call soccer. I have three players in my house, and I played for 25 years myself, so we love the "beautiful game". We spend all of our Saturdays and part of Sunday watching English Premier League football, which is the arguably the best league in the world. Then, when it's on, we'll watch Champions League matches, featuring the best teams in Europe. It's just brilliant. The kids and I even participate in a fantasy soccer league. No shit, they have those.

And we don't watch the MLS here at home. After seeing the best football in the world, I just can't make myself watch the MLS. It's a much lower level and it blows ass. Sorry, Colorado Rapids, but it's true. It's just fuckin' unwatchable.

Anyway, I'm not going to waste our time trying to convince you to love soccer like I do. Most of you out there probably hate it, because you think it's boring, and they don't score enough goals. Fair enough. But next June, please take a look at the European Championships on ESPN. You'll see what the game is all about, and you'll get hooked. Plus, someday soon I'm going to write an article about how passionate soccer fans are, and how they compare to American fans. It's not even close, but that's a discussion for another time.

Now, I haven't always disliked American football. In fact, growing up here in Denver, I lived and died with the Broncos. Even in the 60's and 70's, when they were terrible, my friends and I would gather every Sunday, play football in the morning, and then watch the game in the afternoon. This continued until probably around the year 2000 (not the playing, the watching), and then I gradually stopped watching games regularly. The only thing that made me watch at all was participating in a fantasy league, because I have a big ol' Gamblin' Jones.

But lately, something has kind of made me more interested in the game. I've gotten pretty fascinated at watching the journey of Tim Tebow this year, and I'm starting to get sucked back in a little bit. In fact, for the first time in forever, I actually taped the Denver/Minnesota game last Sunday, and watched it later that afternoon. And enjoyed the shit out of it. I yelled and everything, and I haven't done that in years.

Just a quick note: If I watch football at all, it has to be on DVR. The biggest reason I won't watch the game is because every three minutes. they cut to a fucking commercial. It just makes me crazy. That's reason number 73 why soccer is better. They play 45 straight minutes with no commercials. Let's move on...

There is just something about this kid that makes you want to root for him. I think the thing for me is that if you just look at pure football mechanical ability, he probably shouldn't even be on the goddamn field. But he's one of those guys that just figures out a way to succeed by sheer will, and has the power to make his teammates play better, which is really rare these days.

I think the biggest proof of the last statement is the Broncos defense. It's basically the same group that was playing when they started out 1-4, but since Tebow has come in, they've played out of their minds, and the team is 7-5. They didn't get more talented- they're just playing harder. The whole squad thinks they can win now, and it's been fun to watch the change in the team. And it's only happened for one reason.

The other part that's fascinated me is how polarizing this has become across the country. Every morning, I wake up to three or four guys on ESPN2 screaming at each other about either how good Tim Tebow is, or how much he sucks. They talk about it every day. Why? This is one quarterback on a fairly mediocre football team, and these dickheads are jumping up and down, yelling like crazy.

While I'm working, I listen to a nationally syndicated sports talk show hosted by Jim Rome. And every day, especially lately, it's been mostly about Tebow. Why the crap does everyone care so much about this? What is it about this kid that makes everyone so passionate about their opinions? I truly don't get it.

For me, the reason I'm pulling for him is because I like his character. Character is a big deal for me, and the biggest reason why I hate basketball. Most of those idiots don't have any character, and can't spell the fucking word. Go ahead, basketball lovers, send me some more shitty emails, I don't give a rat's ass. I wish they would have stayed locked out forever. Fuck 'em.

But Tebow at least appears to be a nice kid. He's very polite with the media, and hasn't once taken an opportunity to show his middle finger to all the haters out there, including his boss, John Elway. So many guys would be looking right in the camera, and saying "Five in a row, bitch! Now shut the fuck up!" Not Tebow. Honestly, I'll bet he's thinking that, but he's doing a great job keeping it to himself.

There are a couple of things about him, though, that I could probably do without. He pushes the religion thing pretty hard, and it kind of puts me off a little bit. Don't get me wrong- I think if a person believes, that's terrific. I do myself, but I think it's more of a personal choice, and maybe he shouldn't bring it into every conversation and action on the field. It's probably just me, but I personally think God has more important shit to worry about than a football game.

The other thing is, I do not believe for one instant that Tim Tebow is still a virgin. Holy jumpin' smokes, have you seen his girlfriend?

Come on, now. Imagine you're 24 years old, you've never had any poonannie, and you come within ten feet of that girl's sweater meat. I'm not a doctor, but your balls are going to explode, right? They'd have to bring in a fuckin' haz-mat team to clean up the mess. Sorry Timmy, I'm not buying that one. In the worst case, she's giving you the old Pogo Pumper. I'd bet one of my kids on this.

So there you go. I'm back to watching football, at least the Broncos, for now. If they make the playoffs, I'll watch until they get bounced, and then I'll turn the game back off. I'll watch the Super Bowl because there's a good chance I'll be in some kind of pool, and it's the only time I ever watch commercials.

In the meantime, I'll be pulling for this good, decent kid to succeed. The thing now is, I think we're going to have him here in Denver for awhile. If Elway or Coach Fox tries to get rid of him in the offseason, there's going to be one hell of a revolt from the fans, and whoever would replace him won't ever have a chance.

Just ask Kyle Orton how much fun that is. I think he's working at a Denny's in Kansas City right now.

Old Dawgs Escape With 2-1 Shootout Win

2011-12-08T14:06:00.001-07:00

They may be in fifth place, but there's just something about Team Yellow that gives the Old Dawgs trouble. Back in late October, they gave the Dawgs their only loss of the winter SDOHL season, 2-1 in an overtime shootout.

Last Thursday night, it was the Old Dawgs turn, as they won by exactly the same score in a nail biting, nine round extra session. The two points keeps them three clear of Touchstone Imaging at the top of the SDOHL table.

Rand Peterson scored his third goal of the season five minutes into the final period to key the Old Dawgs comeback, and set the stage for the exciting overtime win. Goalie Doug Witschger, subbing for the rapidly falling apart Al Sterner, was terrific, stopping 25 of 26 shots in regulation, and all nine in the shootout.

The teams played a scoreless first period, but it wasn't for lack of shots. Team Yellow had 11 and the Dawgs had 10, but neither squad could find the back of the net. Team Yellow got the only goal of the second period, with Jay Johnson scoring from the point after the Dawgs failed in roughly a dozen attempts to get the puck out of the zone.

But five minutes into the final frame, Rand Peterson gathered in a pass from Old Dawgs captain and former rim job expert Marty Richardson, made a nice move on Yellow goalie Dave Maney, and tucked the puck into the net to draw his team level.

The game stayed even at one for the final ten minutes, even though the Dawgs had the best of the play, outshooting the opponent by an 11-5 margin. So just like October, the game would be decided by penalty shots. The one big difference was that this guy wouldn't be in goal for the Old Dawgs:

Yes, Al Sterner, who played the October shootout like quadriplegics fuck (which is not very well and sadly flopping around), would be cooling his heels on the Old Dawgs bench, nursing a very sore uterus. And thank God for that, as Witschger made save after save as the shootout rolled on.

The Old Dawgs experienced a very special moment in the seventh round of the session, when Eric Wilks took his turn. With a chance to be a hero and win the game, he skated right over the top of the puck as he crossed the blue line, and left the elusive black disk right there without ever getting a shot.

After Witschger made his ninth and final save, and wondered silently whether he was going to have to score a goal himself to end the fucking thing, up stepped defenseman Greg Clinard. Clinard, who works full time developing Ponzi schemes and jacking old ladies out of their life savings, skated in, actually bringing the puck with him (unlike Wilks), and did something none of the previous eight Old Dawgs skaters did. He made a goddamn move, instead of shooting directly into Maney's pads. When Maney opened his legs, the Nard Dawg calmly did something he can't do at home with his wife: he slipped it through the old five hole, and the game was finally over.

Nard Dawg, sporting trademark shit eating grin. Isn't he precious?

The Old Dawgs now have another tough test this week when they face off against the Coyotes, featuring solid goalie Ted Cetaruk. And it appears that Al Sterner will be back in net, so one goal will certainly not be enough to win this week. Game time is set for 9:55.

In other Dawgs news:

A religious man, Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs spent time this week getting ready for Christmas in his own special way.

Eddie, ready to release his "Christmas mass"

This week Old Dawgs forward and war veteran Mike Sullivan participated in a reunion to commemorate the anniversity of the attack on Pearl Harbor. The other soldiers were angry when they discovered that Sully was actually a pilot in the Japanese Air Force.

"Bonzai!!"

This week Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner won the Vagina Trophy in the Foothills Over 40 Select League. The award, named for ex-beer league goalie legend Georges Vagina, is given to the keeper who lets in the fewest goals during the regular season. Because the league only plays a 10 week schedule, commissioner John Ling decided to present a smaller trophy, or "Mini Vagina".

The trophy has several uses

This week Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson finally decided to see what all the fuss was about.

"It's true! I'll never go back!"

Old Dawgs Stretch League Lead With 6-2 Win

2011-12-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

The Old Dawgs increased their first place SDOHL margin to four points last Thursday night with a convincing 6-2 victory over Touchstone Imaging. Playing maybe their best game of the year so far, the Dawgs scored early and often, and cruised home with a big win over the second place squad.

Old Dawgs captain and former anal spelunker Marty Richardson led a balanced attack, scoring his fifth and sixth goals of the season. Mike Freeman and Mike Wimmer both continue to impress, each scoring a single marker, Rand Peterson got his second, and defenseman Greg Clinard finally contributed something other than his shit eating grin, banging home his first of the 2011 campaign.

Nard Dawg

Dawgs forward Mario Lopez assisted on three of his teammates' goals, and now is fifth in scoring in the SDOHL with eight points.

Goalie Al Sterner, aside from letting in another of his trademark shocking goals, played okay for a broken down old fat boy, stopping 25 of 27 shots. He is now second in the SDOHL in both save percentage and total saves, falling behind some hernia ridden, punk-ass kid from B&K Supply that posted a 41 save shutout last week.

Screw you, Timmy. Your wife says I'm better in bed, so there.

Both teams came out flying in the first period, but it was the Old Dawgs that broke through five minutes in for the first goal. Mike Freeman, once again proving he's much smarter than he looks, parked in just the perfect spot in front of the net to stuff in a rebound from an Eric Wilks shot. It was his career best fourth goal of the winter season, and gave his team the all important lead.

Richardson doubled the Old Dawgs lead ten minutes later, taking a pass from the ever solid defenseman Dave Chamberlin, and drilling one past Touchstone goalie Vince Sciandra. Then Greg Clinard made it 3-0 right before the end of the opening session, slotting in his first from the top of the circle.

After Richardson nailed his second of the game three minutes into the middle period, things were looking great for the Old Dawgs with a four goal lead. But Sterner, after stopping all 10 Touchstone shots in the first, let in a howler at the four minute mark. Doc Lyons lifted a weak shot in from the blue line that bounced in front of Sterner, struck the tip of his stick, and delected right under the crossbar. 4-1, and new life for Touchstone.

Sterner

Things got less comfortable three minutes later, when Touchstone's Keith Horstman skated in on a breakaway, and beat Sterner like a Saudi woman with an opinion to cut the Dawgs lead in half. But Rand Peterson restored order for the good guys right near the end of the second, and the lead was back to 5-2 entering the third.

Even though Touchstone peppered the Dawgs goal in the final frame with 13 shots, it was the Old Dawgs that got the only tally, when Mike Wimmer wristed in his third of the year to seal the game. They are now featuring a very balanced attack, with five players in the top 12 in SDOHL scoring.

The boys now resume play after the Thanksgiving break, taking on Team Yellow, the only team to have blemished the Old Dawgs record thus far. Back in October, they defeated the Dawgs 2-1 in a shootout, when Al Sterner assumed the role of a big block of swiss cheese. Game time is 7:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan was caught cheating on his girlfriend Trina. Most say that if he was going to step out, he might have made a better choice in partners.

Goddamn, I love Facebook...

An old photo was uncovered this week, showing Old Dawgs part time player Rodney Saunders trying his hand at surfing in the 1980's. He abandoned the idea when he heard everyone asking, "When did Tom Cruise get AIDS?"

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed yet another endorsement deal this week. The product is an absolute match with his personality.

"You will never be truly happy...'til you eat some fuckin' Cappy"

This week the talented hockey players in the Pijanowski family got together for a group photograph. And they were also joined by Tito.

Sing it with me, kids- "One of these things is not like the others...one of these things just doesn't belong..."

Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan picked up an assist in the second period Thursday night. It was his first point of the season, and he has now scored in every decade since the 1960's.

Sully, circa 1968. Hasn't really changed that much...

Dawg Nation Pounds Purple Cobras, 6-1

2011-11-30T16:52:00.002-07:00

It took a little time, but the Dawg Nation squad seems to be back in decent form.

After a nut-crushing three game funk, in which they lost to Blue Line, Flyers, and Healthy Scratch, the good guys might have finally righted the ship. Two weeks ago, they played pretty well in getting past a shorthanded Big Johnsons team by a 9-5 score. But last Monday night, they played their best game of the season, completely dominating the first place Purple Cobras, 6-1.

The Canadian tandem of Jon Jay and Jon Ripley, who have been playing together since Christ was a Boy Scout, combined for five of the six goals. Dawg Nation's youngest player Loren "L.T." Toth notched his fourth of the season to round out the scoring.

Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner harkened back to his younger days, like when he was 50, and came within 21 seconds of picking up his first shutout since, well...ever. The entire Dawgs defensive unit and backcheckers were terrific in holding the Purple Cobras star Shaun Hollis scoreless for the first time this season.

Dawg Nation came out on their front foot in the first period, and scored three before the end of the frame. Cobras goalie Timmy Kmetz, who also plays for Dawgs I on Tuesday nights, was victimized by shots that were either point blank or rebounds that his defensemen couldn't clean up.

The Dawgs added two more in the second to make it 5-0, and the way the boys were playing defense and backchecking, it was pretty much game over at that point. Every time Hollis touched the puck, he had several players up his ass, especially former linemate and synchronized swimming partner Matty McGarvey.

McGarvey, top

Dawg Nation put up one more goal in the third to make the margin six, and the only question at that point was whether the old veteran Sterner was going to hang on to his clean sheet. But Sterner's fate was sealed at the end of the second period, when Dawgs forward Rhett Brantley said the word "shutout", and everyone but Brantley knows that's the kiss of death.

Brantley

Sure as shit, with 21 seconds remaining, a Purple Cobras player took a shot from the slot that beat Sterner to his stick side, and the dream was over. But on the bright side, the goal wasn't scored by Sterner's former teammate Hollis. In fact, it was the first game this season that not only had Hollis been held scoreless, it was the first game in which he hadn't scored at least a hat trick. Hollis just might be playing in the wrong league.

Hollis

Dawg Nation now has a huge game coming up Wednesday night, when they face their brother team, Dawgs II. Dawgs II will be out for revenge after losing this season's first Dawg Fight, 4-3 on opening night. Game time is 10:00.

In other Dawg Nation news:

Timmy Kmetz threw himself on a grenade last Sunday afternoon, playing in a special exhibition in which the best of Dawg Nation faced off against the talented junior team Yellowstone Quake. Despite Kmetz playing his ass off, the Dawgs got hammered 10-3, and Timmy has had a little problem shaking off the loss.

"Please...make...it...stop..."

Recently while in Europe, Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio was arrested for ventilating his balls over a storm drain while holding a baby, and wearing a really stupid hat.

You have to know the laws in a foreign country, Stabs

Dawg Nation forward Jon Ripley shaved his beard and just wore a mustache for November Men's Health Awareness Month (or Movember). He now looks just like a movie star.

But not from the waist down...

Dawg Nation captain Drew Johns has moved on from Movember, and is now sporting a beard that will celebrate Douche December.

Jesus Tap Dancin' Christ...
(p.s.- Goddamn, I love Facebook)

This week Dawg Nation's Colorado Avalanche liaison Jake Godber announced that he would be leaving the organization. He has signed on to do the sequel to the movie Anchorman, in which Ron Burgundy gets the AIDS.

Welcome to the blog, Jake. Uh...this picture just might come up again, by the way.

Old Dawgs Win Again, 6-2

2011-11-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

With six games played in the winter SDOHL campaign, it's looking more and more like a two team race for the regular season championship. And last Thursday night, the Old Dawgs stayed a fragile point ahead of Touchstone Imaging by hammering the Over 40's, 6-2.

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson celebrated his return from his convention of the Financial Advisors Guild (F.A.G.) by scoring his third and fourth goals of the season. After piling up a ton of early season assists, Dan Cashman finally lit the lamp with his first of the year, while recent addition Rand Peterson also opened his account with his first.

But the real story was former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman. With his family and friends from the frozen tundra of North Dakota in the audience, Freeman rose to the occasion and banged in two goals. It was the first multi-goal game of Freeman's young hockey career, and completely eclipsed every one of his achievments as a college football player.

Freeman

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner returned from a groin injury just in time to be mediocre, but his teammates scored plenty of goals in helping him to his fourth win of the season.

Wow-hardly any net showing at all. Glove might work better actually open...

The game was only 35 seconds old when Freeman scored his first goal, taking a nice feed from Cashman, who picked up his SDOHL leading sixth assist. But the Over 40's equalized six minutes later, when Wayne Faust took a clean face off win by John Ling, and fired a wrister past Sterner.

The Old Dawgs hit the front once again just 1:15 into the second period, when Dan Cashman got his long awaited first goal of the winter season. He received a pass from substitute Frenchman Bern Levesque, skated in front of the net, and tucked the puck just inside the goalpost.

Cashman

The Dawgs doubled their lead six minutes later, when Marty Richardson converted a Jimmy Tiernan pass into his third of the year. But the Over 40's came right back at the ten minute mark, when Jay Scolnick found himself wide open with the puck in front of the net. He took his time, made a quick move to his left, then slid the puck under Sterner's outstretched goal stick and into the net.

Freeman made the lead more comfortable right before the end of the middle frame, when he got his second of the game. The two goals made his wife very proud, because even though she had been to many of the previous games in his athletic career, this was the first time he had actually made it off the bench and played.

The Old Dawgs put the game out of reach midway in the third, when Richardson took a great pass from behind the net by Eddie Cribbs, and converted a beauty into the top corner past Over 40's goalie Alan Callison. Rand Peterson finished the Dawgs scoring right near the end, making a great individual effort, and beating Callison for his first of the season.

The Dawgs now have a tough one coming up before the Thanksgiving break, when they take on a very good Touchstone Imaging team. Touchstone leads the SDOHL in scoring by a wide margin, and should give goalie Al Sterner and his tender groin a workout. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward/defenseman Eddie Cribbs might want to take a different approach in his quest to meet women.

Subtle...

Defensemen Greg Clinard and Jimmy Tiernan showed this week that they are more than just partners during the game.

Geez, Jimmy, you can't wait for the locker room?

This week, after their final little league soccer match, Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson went out and got drunk with his daughter Alexi. They paid a severe price the next morning.

At least Alexi has her Scooby Doo ice bag. Bitchin' hair, Cap.

Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan joined in this week at the Occupy Denver demonstration. Unfortunately, he got a little confused, and thought he was at a rally to re-elect President Eisenhower.

It's starting to slip away, isn't it Sully...

Hey, Who Wants Dessert?

2011-11-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

So I was driving past my local frozen yogurt shop the other night. When I looked up at the sign, it sure made their product look a lot less appetizing:

Of course this cracked me up, because I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old. When I got home, I showed this picture to my oldest son Mike. We shared a laugh, but then we decided to take it one step further. We put our heads together and thought of some of the flavors they might be featuring. Since then, it has become kind of a family project, with contributions from most of the group.

So with apologies to Baskin Robbins, here are the 31 flavors on our menu so far:

Rocky Load

Man Nog

Nutterscotch

Spunkberry

Cum Raisin

Spermin' Chocolate Cake

Jamaican Jizz Jamboree

Tapioca Surprise

Cock n' Handy (you have to think a little on that one)

Money Shot Sherbet

Penis Butter Parfait

Wet Dream Supreme

Drained Nut Crunch

Jackoff Jubilee

Chocolate Malted Balls Milk

Asti Spew-Mante

Tooty Fruity Spooty

Red Rocket Ripple

Bubble Cum (available with cummy bears)

Blue-ball-berry

Banana Nut-Blast

Future Baby Batter

Oreo-Gasm

Not Your Mom's Rice Pudding

Uncle Tony's Immaculate Ejaculate

Climax Cluster

Two Scoops O' Goop

Grampa's Happy Ending

Dong Discharge Delight

Cream of Ralph

Vanilla

Immature? Oh, hell yeah, but we've been laughing for the better part of two days, so there's that, I guess. If you've read any of the beauty pageant or spelling bee articles, you already know that we're not exactly the Huxtable family.

Hey, if you can think of any other flavors, feel free to put something in the comments. We're a reader friendly blogsite- I'd love to see something from you guys. Use your imagination, kids.

Old Dawgs Stay On Top With 3-1 Victory

2011-11-10T15:45:00.001-07:00

The Old Dawgs remained at the top of the SDOHL table this week, thanks to a gritty 3-1 win against B&K Supply last Thursday night. Their 12 points keeps them one clear of Touchstone Imaging, in what should be a tight race all season long.

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to miss the game, because he was in San Francisco attending the semi-annual convention of the Financial Advisors Guild (FAG). And team leading scorer Mario Lopez couldn't make the game until the middle of the second period, because he claims he has an important role at Sports Authority. Also, solid defenseman Dave Chamberlin was gone, leaving the Dawgs a little short on the blue line.

So when your two leading scorers are gone, and you're facing the toughest goalie in the SDOHL in young Timmy Kmetz, who do you turn to?

Holy shit- Wimmer?

Yes, forward Mike Wimmer, who only started playing hockey last year and has improved every time he steps on the ice, came through huge for his team by scoring his first and second goals of the winter season. John Thielen also popped in his first, and Dan Cashman added two assists, giving him five for the campaign, which leads the league.

Cashman

Goalie Doug Witschger, filling in for Al Sterner, who complained of a very mysterious groin injury, had a terrific game, turning aside 20 out of 21 shots. The Old Dawgs defense, including Greg Clinard, Jimmy Tiernan, Eddie Cribbs, and a split game by Lopez and sub Rodney Saunders, played very well in limiting the quality shots against Witschger.

The Dawgs struck first just under five minutes into the first, when John Thielen gathered a Dan Cashman shot, and slid the puck under Kmetz pads and in the back of the net. Ten minutes later, Wimmer got his first, when he stuffed in a rebound off of another Cashman shot to double the Old Dawgs lead.

The Dawgs got some reinforcements in the second period, when Lopez and Eric Wilks arrived. Now with 12 skaters, the boys made it 3-0, when Wimmer took a Greg Clinard pass, and fired a wrister to Kmetz' stick side. The puck snuck in just inside the post, and the Dawgs had an unlikely comfortable lead heading to the third.

B&K closed the gap to 3-1 six minutes into the final frame, on a goal by Dawgs II player Paul Schuette. But that was as close as the game would get, as B&K was held to only five shots in the period.

The Old Dawgs will try to continue the good play tonight, when they face the Over 40's at 8:45.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Tito Pijanowski's recovery from heart surgery isn't going as well as he'd hoped. Doctors say he may have lost a little too much weight while trying to stay sexually active.

At least the cheesy mustache is gone

Because of all his recent hockey success, this week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan got an endorsement contract to sell a beer that nobody has ever heard of.

"Hey girls...does my pasty white body and tiny chest look good to you? No? Then you need to drink a whole lot more of this shit right here..."

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson surprised even himself, when he set a new record at the FAG convention in San Francisco this week. He was able to cram a grand total of four dicks in his ass.

Sweet muscle shirt, Cap...

Goalie Al Sterner claimed that he missed the game due to a groin injury suffered while playing earlier in the week. Further investigation has revealed that he was actually injured while performing his new part-time job.

"Love in an elevator..."

Old Dawgs Come Back Late, Win Shootout

2011-10-31T16:10:00.004-06:00

It looked like it was going to be one of those nights again.

After losing a tough 2-1 game last week to Team Yellow in a shootout, it appeared that the Old Dawgs were headed in that direction again Thursday night. They trailed the Coyotes by the same margin late in the third period, as a result of two incredibly unlucky goals against Dawgs keeper Al Sterner.

But Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks came to the rescue with just over a minute left in regulation, and captain Marty Richardson buried the shootout winner, as the good guys rallied for a hard fought 3-2 victory.

The result has the Old Dawgs back on top of the crowded SDOHL standings, with a 3-0-1 record. They are currently one point ahead of Team Yellow and Touchstone Imaging, and three clear of next week's opponent B&K Supply, featuring Dawgs I talented goalie Timmy Kmetz.

Well, he's more talented than he looks

Things got off to a bad start for the Old Dawgs halfway through the first period when the Coyotes Jason McGregor centered a puck into the crease from the goal line. The puck pinballed off two players, before bouncing into the net behind a perplexed Sterner to make it 1-0. The Old Dawgs outshot the Coyotes 7-6 in the frame, so they had high hopes of getting even in the second.

But the Coyotes doubled their lead six minutes into the second, on another weird goal. McGregor fired a rising shot from between the circles that hit Sterner high on his shoulder. The puck bounced straight into the air, bounced behind Sterner, and settled about two inches over the goal line.

The Old Dawgs cut that lead in half a minute later, when Mario Lopez skated out from behind the net, and tucked a low shot past Coyote goalie Ted Cetaruk. It was Lopez's fourth goal of the season, putting him for second in the SDOHL.

At the end of the period, Sterner proposed sacrificing a virgin to the Hockey Gods in order to change his luck for the third. But there was only one virgin available, and he wouldn't take one for the team.

Eddie Cribbs recently had his virginity reinstated due to non-use

The Old Dawgs pressed for the equalizer in the third, but it looked like they were going to come up short. Three penalties slowed the team down a bit, and Cetaruk gave no indication that he was giving up anything down the stretch.

But with a minute and a half left, and Sterner signaling to the bench that he was coming off soon for an extra attacker, defenseman Dave Chamberlin found Marty Richardson with a great pass breaking out the zone. Richardson broke into the Coyotes end two-on-one with winger Eric Wilks, put a pass right on Wilks' stick, and Wilks made no mistake, firing one over Cetaruk's right pad to level the score.

The last minute went by with the Coyotes getting the only chance at the game winner. But Sterner saved a bad angle shot with his face, and the Old Dawgs were involved in a shootout for the second week in a row.

Last Thursday, Sterner played the shootout a little like Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan makes love, which is slowly, and not very well. But this week, he found a way to get in front of all three Coyote chances, and it was all up to team captain and former dick garage Richardson to work his magic.

Richardson skated in alone, spotted an opening low to Cetaruk's glove side, and drilled a beauty just inside the post to give his team the comeback win.

Exactly one foot taller than crossbar

In other Old Dawgs News:

This week Old Dawgs teammates Mike Sullivan and John Thielen found an evening to spend together at the theater.

Old Dawgs forward and former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman is finding it tougher and tougher to watch his alma mater play football this season.

Freeman

Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan found a part time job this week. He makes extra money by working as a chair cushion for fat girls.

Aren't you glad you friended me on Facebook, Jimmy?

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner took advantage of the warm October weather last weekend, spending time cruising chicks at the beach.

"Who wants some of this hog?"

Last week, Old Dawgs teammates Greg Clinard and Marty Richardson played together in a hockey tournament in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, their gambling losses mounted to a point where they were forced to split a hooker.

They're both a little more buff than you'd think...

Great New Song from My Favorite Band

2011-10-25T13:50:00.003-06:00

For those of you out there that aren't familiar with Airborne Toxic Event, you're really missing a treat. They've only been semi-popular for a couple of years, and you might know them for a recent song called Changing. I think it might be on a car commercial, or some other bullshit. Honestly, it's about the seventh best song on their latest album.

I've liked them very much since a song called Wishing Well, and it was the main reason I took my oldest son Mike and three of his friends to their concert at the Fillmore here in Denver a couple of weeks ago.

Holy jumpin' shit, were they good live. The Fillmore is a pretty small venue- almost like a large high school gym. Everyone stands up, and it has just a nice feel. It was perfect for these guys. There were maybe 2000 people there (with me being the oldest, by the way), but Airborne worked their ass off all night, giving a performance like they were playing in a stadium.

They're a five piece group, but the members play so many different instruments, they feature all kinds of different sounds. Plus they incorporate strings into their rock music, which I just love. There's a girl named Anna that plays the violin and sings backup- she's just incredible live. This clip shows them playing at the Disney Concert Hall, and they brought even more orchestra members in, which made the song even better.

In the bullshit era of hip-hop and rap, this group is refreshing. They look like human beings, and they're amazingly talented. Check 'em out if you get a chance.

Dawg Nation Hits The Big Time

2011-10-21T14:36:00.005-06:00

Kids, if you regularly read my articles, you know that most of them are written for the sole purpose of busting the balls of my fellow hockey players in the group we call Dawg Nation. It's a fun hobby, and the boys seem to really get a kick out of it.

Dawg Nation is currently up to six teams in the Denver area, but we're not just beer league hockey players. A lot more inportantly, we're all part of a charity organization, formed to help hockey players, both young and old, that might have been injured badly, or have other serious medical problems. We put on charity events, like hockey or golf tournaments, and 100% of all proceeds go directly towards helping our fellow players that need it.

We're less than a year old, and already we've helped a bunch of people that have been hurt or sick. Recently, the Colorado Avalanche was so impressed by our organization, they've chosen to partner with us. What you'll see when you click the arrow below is our first 30 second spot that we understand will air on the Altitude Network, and hopefully during the Avalanche games at the Pepsi Center.

By the way, the spot was filmed by Dawg Nation's own Brad Stabio, and his production company. Brad had a short film that came in second at the Cannes Film Festival, so he knows his stuff. The kid did a terrific job, but please don't ever tell him I said that.

After you take a look, if you want to know more about our foundation, please click the link on the right side of this page. In case you're wondering, I'll be the goalie in white trying to execute a kick save without breaking a hip.

As much as I kill these guys on my blog, I've never been prouder in my life than to be associated with this group of people. Please enjoy:

Old Dawgs Squeak Out 2-1 Win

2011-10-20T13:06:00.001-06:00

The Old Dawgs continued their strong start to the winter SDOHL season last Thursday night, just getting by a very good Touchstone Imaging team, 2-1. The hard fought victory leaves the Dawgs as one of two teams in the league that have 2-0 records.

Mario Lopez scored what would be the game winner early in the final period with his third goal of the season, while Old Dawgs captain and former turd tapper Marty Richardson notched his second with a nice breakaway goal. John Thielen and Eddie Cribbs each picked up assists in the tight, defensive game.

Goalie Al Sterner played better than his normal capabilities, stopping 23 of 24 shots, and winning against good friend and fellow Dawgs goalie Timmy Kmetz, who was playing as a substitute for Touchstone. In fact, Kmetz was on the ice for his sixth game in five days, still playing his way back into shape after recovering from his 47th hernia this past summer. Knowing that he was playing Kmetz, Sterner stuffed an extra horseshoe up his ass before the game, and it made all the difference.

They were silver when they went in.

The Old Dawgs got off to a great start just over three minutes into the first period, when Richardson put his team on top. The words "great pass", and "Eddie Cribbs" don't often collide in the same sentence, but the Dawgs defenseman, who is bravely battling back from a ruptured clitoris, lobbed a puck high in the air from his own zone, and right onto the stick of Richardson,who was waiting alone past center ice.

Richardson skated in from the left side, cut in front of the net, and sniped a beauty in the top corner over Kmetz glove. What made the goal even more amazing was that he had forgotten his normal sticks, and was borrowing one with quite a lot more flex. But the goal was terrific, and the Dawgs were off and running.

Borrowed stick

Unlike normal SDOHL play, the game stayed at 1-0 for two full periods. Touchstone outshot the Old Dawgs 16-8 through the two frames, but Sterner's horseshoes were working their magic. But it really looked the Touchstone was most likely to get the next goal heading to the third period.

But no, the Old Dawgs struck for the second time early in the final stanza, when Lopez deflected a shot from John Thielen, and through Kmetz pads to double the lead. Lopez' three goals now are tied for the top of the SDOHL, along with Touchstone's Mark Caldwell.

Lopez

Sterner lost his bid for a shutout with just over three minutes left in the game, when Bob Desmond banged one in after a goal mouth scramble. It would have been Sterner's first shutout since...well, ever. He managed to keep a good attitude about it after the game.

He's just showing how many goals they scored

The Old Dawgs now play the other undefeated SDOHL squad, Team Yellow, tonight at 7:15. The game has been designated as Tito Pijanowski Bobblehead Night, with the first 2000 fans receiving the souvenier.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Defenseman Greg Clinard missed last week's game, claiming that he had an ankle sprain. Further investigation showed that he actually shaved his scraggly beard and got a face lift, in an attempt to recapture his youth.

Uh, Nard Dawg? What the fuck?

A close look at the University of Colorado's football statistics during their 1990 championship season shows exactly how vital Old Dawgs forward Mike Freeman was to their success.

Just 1713 yards fewer than Bieniemy, But he kicked the shit out of Yago and Smith.

Because of all his success, this week Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed an endorsement deal with Pennzoil.

"Pennzoil! It's not just for cars anymore!"

Dawgs Make it Four Straight With 7-2 Victory

2011-10-17T15:48:00.002-06:00

There is a line in the timeless movie Slapshot, where goalie Denis Lemieux asks his general manager, "Who own da Chiefs?" Well, for at least one night, it was the Dawg Nation squad "dat own da Chiefs", as they rolled to a convincing 7-2 win. It was a small measure of revenge for the good guys, as they lost to that same Chiefs team a couple of months ago in the EAHL summer championship game in overtime.

"You go to da box...and feel shame."

Last Monday night against Beer Pressure, the Dawgs rode forward Jon Ripley's six goals to victory. This week, the scoring was very evenly distributed, with six different players lighting the lamp. The only player to get two was Canadian wetback Jon Jay, who put in his fifth and sixth of the winter season.

Other than Jay, young Loren Toth notched his second, and then Brad Stabio, Andre Janusz, Mark Kunugi, and the newest Dawg Nation member Mike Fox all opened their accounts with their first of the year.

Goalie Al Sterner improved his game from mediocre, all the way to ordinary this week, turning aside 25 of 27 Chief shots.

This wasn't one of them, but looks good

Stabio opened the scoring with a backhand that found its way through traffic and past Chiefs goalie Craig Gilcrease. And then a few minutes before the end of the first period, yet another Dawg Nation Canadian Janusz came into the Chiefs zone on a breakaway, skated all the way across the crease, and slid the puck past a sprawling Gilcrease to make it 2-0 at the break.

Jay got his first goal in the second period, converting a Ripley pass into an easy backdoor play. Longtime teammates, this is not the first time the two have combined on a backdoor play, if you know what I mean.

This may help if you don't know what I mean.

After the Chiefs banged in a rebound goal on a five on three power play, Kunugi answered right back to make it 4-1. He took a pass from Jay in front of the net, and found the five hole of Gilcrease to get the Dawgs lead back to three. Toth then made the margin four before the end of the period, when he came out of the corner by himself, and buried a high shot through a screen.

Jay made matters 6-1 early in the third, when he again broke in alone, and fired the puck through Gilcrease's pads. After another Chiefs rebound goal, Mike Fox closed the scoring, converting a terrific saucer pass from Jon Ripley, and easily depositing the puck into the open side of the net.

It was the first Dawg Nation goal for Fox, who just joined the team two weeks ago. He missed the first two games, because he was busy as a Root Sports as a producer for Colorado Rockies telecasts. "Producer" might be a little generous- he actually worked most of the season as Tom Helmer's fluffer.

Why do you think he's smiling?

Still tied for first place in EAHL standings, the Dawg Nation squad will try to stretch their streak to five tonight when they take on Blueline. Blueline, despite being 2-2, leads the league in fewest goals against with 10, so it should make for a very tight game.

In other Dawg Nation news:

Dawg Nation forward/defenseman Brad Stabio's new daughter Phoebe officially became daddy's girl this week, when she was fitted for a real stupid hat. Like father...like daughter.

Cute little bugger, though. So is Phoebe...

The responsibilities of new fatherhood overwhelmed Dawg Nation forward Matt McGarvey this week, and he reverted back to a different time in his life.

What a boner...

This week Dawg Nation captain Drew Johns fulfilled a lifelong dream, when he took a river raft trip, and reenacted every scene from the movie Deliverance. He especially enjoyed the scenes with the Hillbilly strangers.

"You got a pretty mouth, boy..."

Dawg Nation forward Jon Ripley was a little lax with his backchecking last Monday night, drawing the wrath of goalie Al Sterner.

"Cover the point, you lazy dick!"

Old Dawgs Start New Season With 6-1 Win

2011-10-13T13:17:00.000-06:00

The two-time SDOHL champion Old Dawgs came together last Thursday night, seeking to defend their title once again. And they got off to a great start to the winter campaign, hammering the Over 40's by a 6-1 margin.

Mario Lopez picked right back up where he left off in the summer, banging in two goals. Captain Marty Richardson scored one and added two assists, plus former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman opened his winter account with a goal. Eric Wilks and defenseman Greg Clinard also scored, and the ever improving Dan Cashman notched three assists as the team coasted to victory.

Goalie Al Sterner had a fairly easy night, only having to face 17 shots to nab his first win. He spent much of the evening doing this:

Does this better than anyone...

Freeman got the Old Dawgs off to a great start early, when he converted a centering pass from Richardson before 90 seconds had elapsed. Freeman played on the University of Colorado 1990 team that won a national championship, and was best known as "the quarterback that didn't knock up the coach's daughter".

It wouldn't be an Old Dawgs game if Sterner didn't give up an early shitty goal, and he accomplished just that three minutes later. On a two-on-one break, he came off the near post early anticipating a pass, and Over 40's forward Jay Scolnick happily slid the puck in to level the contest.

Sterner

But six minutes later, Richardson roofed a beauty off of a Cashman feed to score what would be the game winning goal. Wilks added one right before the end of the period, and it was 3-1 at the break.

At just under eight minutes of the second, Lopez received a nice pass from defenseman Jimmy Tiernan, and ripped one past Over 40's keeper Alan Callison to make it a three goal lead, and pretty much game over. Lopez got his second marker early in the third period, and then Greg Clinard closed out the scoring a minute before the end, on a slapshot that pinballed in off of a skate. Clinard then flashed his trademark shit eating grin.

The Old Dawgs face a tougher test this week, when they take on a Touchstone squad that also won by a 6-1 margin. Game time is 9:55, which is two hours past most of the players' normal bedtime.

In other Old Dawgs News:

This week goalie Al Sterner helped film a public service announcement for the Dawg Nation Hockey Foundation. He performed a kick save, and then had to be helped off the ice, frozen in that position.

"Little help? Medic?"

Old Dawgs forward Dave Chamberlin finally proposed to his longtime girlfriend Karen, and after taking only one month to think about it, she said yes. Chamberlin said he is looking forward to having such a great "wife-arino".

Chamberlin, left...and right

Old Dawgs forward Mike "Sully" Sullivan did some grocery shopping this week, and sent a subtle message to all the ladies in the store.

Dawgs forward Dan Cashman this week signed on be the main character in "Toy Story 4".

The one on the right is more life-like

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson stopped everything he was doing late Saturday night, when he had to run out to buy some milk for his kids.

Nice rack, Cappy

Tito's Ticker Gets An Overhaul

2011-10-11T02:42:00.004-06:00

Tito Pijanowski was having a problem.

The longtime Dawgs stay-away-from-home defenseman was finding himself constantly exhausted for no apparent reason. During games, he was so short of energy that he couldn't find the strength to make his patented end to end runs up the ice, using his one-handed technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".

Because carrying the puck up the ice and never playing defense were his two main goals in life, Pijanowski decided to seek help. He went to the finest doctor that his United Airlines insurance could provide, and underwent a thorough physical examination.

After an extensive session, complete with three rectal exams at Pijanowski's request, it was discovered that he had a faulty valve in his heart. His friends and teammates were shocked to hear this, mostly because they couldn't believe that the sonofabitch actually owned a heart in the first place.

A devastated Pijanowski immediately asked for a second opinion. The doctor quickly replied, "Okay, you also have a shitty mustache. That will be two thousand dollars."

The doctors were at a loss to understand what caused the problem, but thought it might be stress related. Pijanowski then explained that sometimes while playing hockey, when hit with a cheap shot or otherwise being agitated by the opposing team, he did occasionally have a mild physical reaction.

"Tito pissed!!!"

The next step was to decide which procedure would be best to solve his heart problem. Because of much previous success, a valve from a pig was considered. But that idea was quickly scrapped, when doctors could not find one pig in the Rocky Mountain region that was comfortable donating his heart to a fuckin' Polack.

"I mean, if you really think about it, which one of us is higher on the food chain? I'm just saying..."

So finally the doctors decided to repair the existing valve. Unfortunately, the only way to do this would be to perform open heart surgery. A meeting with a heart specialist did not make Pijanowski feel particularly confident.

But on Tuesday morning, October 4th, Pijanowski relented to his doctors, and went ahead with the procedure. At first, the surgeons were shocked to discover that Tito's heart was in worse shape than originally diagnosed:

So after reevaluation, and three quarts of RustOleum, they forged on. It took four hours to complete, but the specialists were able to make all the necessary repairs, plus clean out Pijanowski's main arteries while they were in there. The following is a partial list of what they found in those arteries:

Amazingly, because of Pijanowski's inner strength and toughness (or possibly because his HMO sucks), the man went home after only three days at Lutheran Medical Center. Friday night, he celebrated his new lease on life with his friends, and completely grossed everyone out with his still openly weeping surgical scar.

No shit- three fuckin' days...

He is already planning his next procedure, in which he'll finally do something with that mustache and buy some clothes that don't make him look like Jimmy Buffett's poop. He also has announced that he plans on playing hockey before the end of the winter season, which proves once and for all that Tito Pijanowski is truly one big ol' Polack.

But boys and girls, don't bet against him. After all, he is The King.

Believe It Or Not, Ripley Nets Six In Dawg Nation Win

2011-10-10T15:36:00.001-06:00

(Writer's note: I promised myself I'd never make the "believe it or not" joke when I mentioned my teammate Jon Ripley. But holy shit, the kid scored six goals in one game, and if I ever needed to lower myself to the "Hee Haw" level of humor, it is now. I sincerely apologize- I know I'm better than that. It will never happen again.)

Until last Monday night, the most famous person born on Prince Edward Island, Canada was an actress named Martha MacIsaac, who is best known as the drunk girl that's trying to give Michael Cera a blowjob in the movie Superbad.

Quite the resume, Martha...

But now, The Forgotten Province has a new hero. Soon, this face will be on every magazine cover in Northeastern Canada:

Well, maybe not every magazine cover...

Yes, PEI's own Jonathan Ripley is now a hero to every drunk, stinking piece of shit fisherman on the island, as a result of his scoring six goals in Dawg Nation's 7-4 win over Beer Pressure. The double hat trick now officially sets a new record in the history of Dawg Nation hockey, eclipsing the previous mark of five by these two guys:

Dawgs I forward Shaun Hollis, left

Dawg Nation president Marty Richardson

Linemate Jon Jay screwed up a perfect evening for Ripley by selfishly scoring the other Dawg Nation goal. Ripley now easily leads the EAHL with nine goals, with the next closest being four. Jay has most of the assists on those goals, and his seven helpers are tops in the league.

As is almost always the case with Ripley, most of his goals were a matter of being in the right position for a pass from a teammate, or a giveaway from the Beer Pressure defense. This is truly a case of a player being much smarter than he looks.

Mason, why are you smiling? Your dad looks like a serial killer.

The Dawgs never trailed in the contest, and actually were up 7-2 after two periods. But as can happen in games like this, the boys took their foot off the gas in the third, and the score got closer than the game really was.

Now 3-0 on the new season, Dawg Nation is tied for the best record in the league with the Flyers, who are a group of hockey parents and coaches from the Foothills junior program. They will get a real test tonight when they play the Chiefs- the team that defeated them 3-2 in overtime to win the EAHL summer league. Game time is 8:45.

In other Dawgs News:

Dawg Nation Hockey board member Tito Pijanowski underwent open heart surgery last Tuesday, and is now recovering comfortably at home. Dawg Nation goalie Al Sterner summed up the feeling of every player on his team this week, when he sent Pijanowski a special get-well message:

This week Dawg Nation defenseman Brad Stabio produced and directed his first porn movie. His toughest challenge was showing his star the proper technique for effectively sucking a dick.

Goddamn, I love Facebook...

Dawg Nation would like to extend best wishes to forward Matt McGarvey, who became a father for the first time this week. He now has a daughter named Adalyn, but there might be some question as to who her real father is.

Dawg Nation Skates Past Rhinos To Go 2-0

2011-10-03T12:36:00.000-06:00

Just a few weeks after losing the summer EAHL championship in an overtime heartbreaker, the Dawg Nation squad has picked themselves up and gotten off to a terrific start for the winter season. After beating their brother team Dawgs II last week, 4-3, the boys made it two in a row Monday night, knocking off the Rhinos by a 6-4 margin.

Canadian import Jon Ripley continued his fast start to the 2011 campaign, scoring a three goal hat trick. Ripley's longtime linemate, fellow Canadian and former butt-buddy Jon Jay banged in his third of the new season, while Brett Bruce notched his second. Bryan Lundstrom also opened his winter season account with his first.

Goalie Al Sterner was stunningly mediocre during the game, but his teammates scored enough goals so that not even he could fuck up his second win of the season. Sterner summed up his performance after the game.

The Nation never trailed in the contest, but could not get far enough ahead for the game to feel comfortable. Ripley scored his first two in the opening period, but the Rhinos matched that twice, scoring on a goal mouth scramble, and then a breakaway to level the contest at two heading to the second.

Jon Jay notched the only goal of the second, taking a pass from Ripley, and blasting it past the Rhinos keeper to make it 3-2. But nothing was even close to being settled as the teams started the final stanza.

Lundstrom made things a little more comfortable, doubling the Dawgs lead around halfway in the third, off of a rebound scramble. It was the first marker of the new season for Lundstrom, nicknamed "Swede" for reasons unknown.

Lundstrom

The Rhinos wouldn't go away, and closed back to 4-3, tapping in a rebound after Sterner couldn't hang onto a hard slapshot from the top of the circle. The outcome of the game was still in question, and the Dawgs would need some more goals to gain the win.

Sterner's glove hand

With around seven minutes remaining Brett Bruce popped one in to make it a two goal contest again, but two minutes later, the Rhinos closed the margin back to one, when a shot from the point was delected past Sterner from in front of the net.

But Ripley sealed the deal a couple of minutes later, when he received a nice breakout pass from defenseman Drew Johns, and fired a wrister past the Rhinos goalie, just inside the near post. That completed his hat trick, and he actually had a chance with under a minute left to get a fourth. But he gagged mightily, missing a wide open empty net after the Rhinos had pulled their keeper for an extra attacker.

Ripley

So the Dawg Nation team had their second consecutive close win, and will now try to make it a third tonight when they face Beer Pressure at 10:15.

In other Dawg Nation News:

Dawg Nation welcomes defenseman Chris Acuna to the team this season. Acuna now joins the growing list of Dawg Nation members that are way too fugly to have hot looking wives/girlfriends.

Dawg Nation forward Matt McGarvey prepares for fatherhood later this month, maintaining his calm and confident demeanor.

Dawg Nation president Marty Richardson got a new job this week, standing completely still on top of wedding cakes. We wish him luck in his new endeavor.

Defenseman Brad Stabio was forced to miss last week's game, because he just could not bear to miss the end of his favorite movie, Steel Magnolias.

"Why did Julia Roberts have to die!"

This week Dawg Nation forward Jon Ripley signed on to film Hangover 3.

Uh, Rips...this picture just might come up more than once. Goddamn, I love Facebook.

Family Night and Miss Universe II

2011-09-22T10:37:00.011-06:00

So last Monday night, we had our last big family event before the holiday season. That would be the Miss Universe pageant. For all three of you guys that read this shit regularly (up from two- I’ve developed quite the following), you know that pageants and spelling bees are our family thing. Just scroll down a couple of stories, and you’ll see my story about Miss USA.

As usual, I’m keeping a running diary of the evening, because it might be the most fun we have all year. If you’ve read any of the other pageant articles, you know exactly what I mean. So because the story always runs long, and there’s only so much time you can spend on the shitter before you have to get back to work, I’ll get right to it.

8:00- Welcome to the Sterner basement cave, and the 2011 Miss Universe Pageant! Let me quickly introduce the cast of misfits who will be watching and providing insightful commentary as the event unfolds. By “insightful commentary”, I really mean cracking the contestants on their heritage and appearance.

There will be my gorgeous wife Annie, who has recently given up trying to keep the dirty comments to a minimum. She’d have a better chance trying to get me to be taller. We’re once again joined by my sons Mike (16), Sam (15), and Ben (11). And of course I’ll be the chunky little guy in the easy chair scribbling notes and coughing up my liver from laughing so hard.

Tonight, the pageant is being staged in Sao Paolo, Brazil- which is one of many places I’m never going to go. There are 89 contestants, and they get right to the part where the girls introduce themselves. I won’t do all 89, but here are some of the highlights:

Botswana- Mike starts right away: “Hello, I am from Botswana, where our national sport is AIDS!”.

Sam: “Botswana- where we always keep it HIV positive!”.

Goddamn it, we’re less than a minute in, and I’m pausing the DVR already to cry like a pussy. Wasn’t expecting the AIDS jokes right away. The boys see that they bust me up, and now I know the AIDS jokes are coming in bunches.

Canada- Sam sums up Canada’s chances with one word: “Oink”.

Cypress- The first contestant we think might be a dude. We’re not real big on her chances, either.

Egypt- Has hair that looks like Annette Funicello in “Beach Blanket Bingo”. And if you get that reference, you are very fuckin’ old. Find somewhere to lay down.

El Salvador- Whoa, this is a big girl. Mike makes his voice like a football announcer: “Starting at middle linebacker, at 6’3” and weighing 255 pounds, it’s El Salvador!” Small DVR pause, please…

France- For you regular readers, you know how much I hate the fuckin’ French. I want to smack her, but she’s just knockout gorgeous. I can’t bring myself to say anything, but I have some help from the boys:

Ben: “I’m 22 years old, and I smoke on the toilet!”

Mike: “France-where everyone is an asshole!” I’ve trained them very well.

Haiti- May be the only person in the country that’s overweight. Mike says, “I wonder if she caused that earthquake?”

Right in the middle of the parade of countries, Mike stands up and says, “Dad, pause the DVR. I have to take a crap!” So he disappears up the stairs, and two minutes later, we all hear, “Aw…goddammit!” Which of course is the universal phrase that means there is no toilet paper on the roll. Someone has to go upstairs and provide relief. We all yell “not it!” at the same time, and I point a chubby finger at Ben, because he’s the youngest, and that’s just life in the big city.

He reluctantly grabs a new roll out of the closet, and tells Mike to open the door. Downstairs, we hear it open, and Ben yells “Oh, come on!”, which is the universal phrase when you smell that special brand of mustard gas wafting out of the old stink lodge. Sucks to be the youngest…

Israel- Mike sings the music right before they say “charge” at a football game. But instead of charge, both he and Sam yell “Jew!!” That one got me- time to pause the DVR for a moment.

Mexico- We’ve been a little angry since Mexico beat the USA in the soccer Gold Cup, so we all boo at the same time when she comes out. Sam says “My hobbies are swimming, climbing fences, and sweeping!” He might be holding a little more of a grudge than the rest of us.

Nigeria- Mike: “Knock knock”.
Me: “Who’s there?”
Mike: “I have AIDS! Nigeria!”

Five minutes haven’t elapsed yet, and I’m rolling around in my fucking chair. Only an hour and 55 minutes to go.

Russia- Not bad looking, but she borrowed Reese Witherspoon’s chin for the evening. You could carve a turkey with that thing.

South Africa- Sam jumps in first this time. “I’m from South Africa! Give me an H! Give me an I!, Give me a V!”

Trinidad and Tobago- Best looking girl in the whole bunch. Mike stops the AIDS jokes long enough to say, “Holy shit!”

St. Lucia- Mike: “I don’t know where that is, but…AIDS!” Ah, there…he’s back.

Turks and Caicos- Sam says, “Now they’re just making countries up. Bullshit.”

8:10- Here are our hosts for the evening- Andy Cohen again from Bravo (once again the boys yell “Goo!”, which if you remember, is a gay Jew), and Natalie Morales from the Today Show, who just got out of prison for attempting to murder Bret Michaels after last year’s Miss USA pageant. He sucked very, very much.

They’re going to cut down from 89 to 16 right away, so we all have to pick who we think is going to win. Mike picked Miss California out of the 51 girls to win Miss USA in April, so it’s possible. Mike quickly grabs Trinidad and Tobago, Sam takes Spain, Ben nabs Ireland, Annie picks Venezuela, and God help me, I select Miss France. I feel dirty, but she is tres bien.

And first girl moving on is… my little Frenchy! This is my year-I can feel it.

They call China, and both Mike and Sam yell “Bong!!!” at the same time. She looks freakishly tall, and then the stat comes up that she’s a six footer. I think we found Yao Ming’s bride.

Angola gets picked- in fact she’s the only African in the bunch. This will severely limit, but never eliminate, the AIDS jokes.

Australia- Mike yells in a great Aussie accent “Crikey! I’m so bloody happy I could suck a wallaby!” That one just killed me. Suck a wallaby? Only my kid thinks of that…

Puerto Rico- Gentlemen, please start your Puerto Rican jokes!

Brazil- Of course the home town girl got picked. Sam says “Brazil! Where we wax our taint!” Goddammit-pause the DVR…

The rest get selected, including Miss USA, but I’m recovering from the wallaby and taint jokes, so I don’t give a shit right now. After all 16 are done, the only family picks remaining are my French girl, and Annie’s selection from Venezuela. I can’t believe Trinidad didn’t make it- holy shit, look at her:

8:30- They come back from commercial, and just briefly show the top 10 country costume winners. That really pisses us off, because there is massive comedy in some of the outfits.

When they flash Japan, Mike yells “Bonzai!”, and Sam chips in with “Godzirra!” And yes, he did indeed substitute r’s for l’s in Godzilla. Nice touch.

And then they move to Nigeria, who’s wearing a very strange looking, all red outfit. I say, “What the hell is that?” Mike jumps right in with, “It looks like Lady Gaga’s dilly-do.” Yep, he said dilly-do, not dildo. Just tore me completely up.

8:20- Okay kids, it’s everybody’s favorite time, the swimsuit competition! In the background singing while the girls do their thing will be Brazilian sensation Bebel Gilberto, whom I’ve never heard of but looks like a $17 hooker. Plus her nose goes about four different directions. Not good.

Here comes France, and she is exceptionally hot. If I were a younger man, I’d be getting a soufflé in my pants right now. But that ship sailed long ago.

Columbia is the first girl with the old hungry butt- her tiny bikini bottoms are riding way, way up. The boys say she’s used to having stuff up her ass when she smuggles coke into the U.S. You know, because she’s from Columbia. Try to stay with us here…

Here’s Miss Venezuela, and Annie made a terrific choice. To quote the late, great Leslie Nielson- she has an ass that you want to suck on all day. And she knows how to swing that shit. Holy cow.

Okay, it’s U.S.A’s turn, and as she walks by the camera, they get way too close to her crotch. So close, in fact, that you can see the “short and curlies” sticking out from under her suit. We reverse the DVR just to make sure we saw what we thought we saw. Yep, there they are.

Sam does the “Oh…yeah!” song from Ferris Bueller. And Mike says, “Holy shit! I just saw her Hairy Houdini!” Again, I spend the next several minutes weeping like a little girl.

And just when I’m coherent enough to continue, up steps Miss Puerto Rico. She does her strut, and then a little twirl at the end. She’s not bad looking but I don’t think much of it.

All of a sudden Annie yells, “Go back! Go back!” I ask why, and she says, “I think you can see her business!”

Me- “What the hell is her business?”
Annie- “Her cooter!”
Me- “Bullshit!”
Annie- “GO BACK!”

So I reverse the DVR again, and we all gather around the TV, and start looking at this thing like the Zapruder Tapes. While we're scrutinizing the video, I find myself wondering why Annie was looking at Miss Puerto Rico's honeypot, but that's a conversation for another time.

I finally stop it at just the right spot, and sure as shit, there’s Miss Puerto Rico’s gooch. And I know what you're thinking. "Bullshit- you're just writing this to make the story better". Kids, it was only for a split second, and I can't believe Annie picked it up, but you tell me:

And don't try to click on the arrow, perverts. It's part of the picture I clipped online

Sam: “Oh, my dear Lord!” That’s his favorite saying right now, and I can do a dead on impression of it.

Mike: “There they are- the Puerto Rican folds of baloney!”

And then my eleven year old boy Ben, who is so smart, sweet and gentle that I actually wonder sometimes whether he really is my son, opens his little mouth and yells…

“CLAM!”

8:35- This happens every pageant. One of the kids, usually Mike, will say something so shocking that it will literally cripple me for a few minutes until I can regroup from laughing so hard. Sort of like I’ve been tasered, I guess. Everyone goes for a piss, or a snack, and then I’m ready to start again. But when the word “clam” came out of the innocence that is my youngest son, I had an episode. That took some time to rally from that one.

I guess the rest of the girls did the swimsuit thing, and I’m almost sure they all kept their vertical smile inside their shorts, but I could give a fat rat’s ass right now. I could never see another pageant, and I’d die a happy man.

8:55- Okay, they're cutting down from 16 to 10. My girl from France stays alive, and the only real surprise is that Venezuela and her wonder-ass aren’t with us any longer. So I’m the only one who has a shot of picking the winner from the original 89.

Both Miss USA and Puerto Rico are history, and we’re all assuming it’s because the judges saw their “love ditch”, just as we did a few minutes ago. They might want to consider a larger swimsuit next time.

I think France still has a great shot to win, along with Australia, whom Mike adopted after Spain was eliminated, and China. She’s beautiful, but it’s really weird seeing an Asian girl that’s so damn tall.

9:10- After an endless promo for Sao Paolo (we’re still never going there), they trot out the top 10 for the evening gown competition. The boys and I still don’t like this part- it’s dull as shit. There is a different Brazilian singer for this stage, and she looks as hagged out as the first one. It really makes us miss last year, when Trace Atkins worked the pageant. That was fun.

The first contestant to come out is Miss Australia, and the light hits her from behind the stage just long enough for us to notice that her gown is see-through, and there is a terrific silhouette of her body. Mike brings the Aussie accent out once again: “Oh, no! Look…I got me a bonah!” I stop the DVR to laugh, and to see that gown for a few more seconds. Boo-yah.

France is next, and she has on a white halter thing, and she looks great. Annie is even impressed, and she usually hates most of the gowns. I’m feeling more and more confident about my pick.

The rest of the ten follow, and there isn’t anything spectacular. I needed the rest from the last round, so this works out great for me.

9:35- They’re ready to cut down to the top five, and I’m feeling great about my chances with France. The first one they call is Ukraine, who’s okay, but looks too Eastern-Euro. Philippines is next, and she’s another that’s okay, but not great.

China is the third finalist, and that’s a good pick. Besides being tall, she is stunning- could be your winner right there. Next is Brazil, and the home crowd goes nuts again. She has that shitty, “yeah, I know I’m hot” look on her face. She needs to fuckin’ lose.

One more pick- has to be France, right? Wrong, bitch. It’s Angola, who’s kind of flown under the radar all night. The boys cheer: “Yeah! AIDS!”

So my girl from France is gone, and I can go back to my standard hatred of everyone from that country. I made it an entire hour and a half, and I don’t mind telling you, it hurt. Mike’s Aussie girl is out, too, so none of us officially give a shit who wins anymore.

9:45- It’s time for the final question, which is always tricky, because of the language barriers.
Ukraine goes first, and is asked if she would change lives with anyone. In Russian, she says she likes her life, but would trade with Cleopatra? Whatever…bye now.

Philippines- She’s asked if she would change her religious beliefs to get married. She says her first love is God, and then asks Andy Cohen if she could love him long time for five buck. Okay, I made that last part up.

China- She steps up, and completely towers over Andy. Holy smokes, that gay little bastard must be around 4’10’. She’s asked if public nudity is okay, like they have in Brazil. In Chinese, she responds that every country has its own rules, and they should be obeyed. Or you might get run over by a fuckin’ tank if you're in her country.

Brazil- She’s asked how she would avoid fighting a war. She says that there would be no wars if everyone respected each other. I immediately dust off my impression from Rocky IV- “I you’s can change, and I can change…maybe we all can change!” Goddamn, I love a good Rocky reference.

Angola- The judge wants to know if she would change anything about herself. Sam says “Well, I guess I’d probably not have the AIDS, and I’d live maybe some place other than Africa”. He had to get one more in before the night was over, and I still think it’s as funny as the first one. And yes, I do realize I’m a complete and utter penis.

9:55- Alright, kids, thanks for hanging in there. Here are the final results:

4th runnerup- China? Bullshit- she should have won the whole shootin’ match. At least now she can go back to playing power forward for the Chicago Bulls.

3rd runnerup- Philippines. Fair enough- it’s about right.

2nd runnerup- Brazil. She just knew she was going to win. Tough shit- now go somewhere, wipe that bitchy look off your face, and wax your fuckin' taint..

So it’s down to Ukraine and Angola, which just baffles everyone in our room. Personally, I still don’t give a flying fuck- I checked out mentally an hour ago after Ben yelled “Clam!”

Drum roll, please…Miss Angola wins! Good for her- she was consistent all night, and didn’t do anything stupid, like showing her vajayjay to millions of people.

So there it is once again, boys and girls. One more pageant, and one more night of memories for my little family. There’s always something new, and something funnier than the last pageant. I think we’re going to try on Miss America for the first time in January, which should be interesting, because the girls have more talent, but aren’t nearly as hot as the Miss Universe contestants.

It’ll be fun- make sure you come back and join us again, okay?

Now This Should Be the National Anthem

2011-09-13T13:01:00.004-06:00

I've been feeling patriotic this past week, so I decided to post my favorite song about our great nation. I'd really love to watch Christina Aguilera fuck this song up at the Super Bowl.

Ahoy, Perverts!

2011-09-09T00:55:00.001-06:00

Over the past three and a half years, I've gotten almost 420,000 hits on my silly blogsite. I don't mind telling you I am absolutely shocked by the number of people that have stopped by, and for some reason keep coming back. I hope that maybe I provide a laugh or two, and just maybe some of the other old farts that play hockey, or have eccentric kids like I do, can relate to some of the shit that I write.

I've also discovered that there is an entirely different element that frequents my site. That would be the degenerates and perverts. How do I know this, you ask? Well, if you take a look to the right of my articles, you'll see a feature called the "live traffic feed". It shows where my hits are coming from, and I'm very proud to say that I have readers from all around the world.

At the bottom of that box, there is another line that says "real time view". Click on that, and it will tell you not only where the hit originates, but also the phrase that they Googled in order to find me. That's where the perversion comes in.

Just this week, here is a sampling of the things that people all over planet Earth have Googled and ended up here:

Kristen Cavalleri's ass (get that one a lot)
Gay bulge
Ruptured testicle
Boner in shorts
Boner in short shorts
Boner in sweatpants
Middle school underwear
Conjoined twins sex
Jerking off
Jacking off
Teen sleepover
Dawgs vs Cocks
Dr. Jellyfinger
Midget hooker
Taint
Vagina Trophy
Big pussy
and my personal favorite:
How to make a dickhole bigger

Now, to be fair, I understand why some of these phrases lead to yours truly. During the hockey season, I normally write a fake game story about my beer league team's previous contest, and photoshop my teammates' heads on some of the nastiest pictures I can find, just to get a cheap laugh. And believe me, I go into some pretty dark places to find a lot of my photos.

Here are just a few examples:

That's just a sampling of the hundreds of pictures I've doctored over the past three years. Wait, that's not completely true. I have a partner in crime- my beautiful wife Annie, who does all my Photoshop work. I send her the idea, along with the pictures I want her to fuck with, and she sends them back to me minutes later. She knows she does a good job when she can hear me laugh all the way from a different part of the house. She's really good.

The boys seem to get a yuck out of it, especially my most frequent victim, the captain of the team and my best friend, Marty. He's in two of the three pictures above, which is about the usual percentage. Everyone on the team is a good sport, but Marty is a great sport.

I also tend to get a little creative with my phrasing when I write my game stories. If a player on another team is acting like a jerk, I'll use terms like "dickhole", or "cockmunch", or something very mature like that. So when a Google user plugs in "dickhole", many times they'll end up in my place.

I'm not exactly sure how Google works, but for some reason my blogsite comes up near the top when some of those phrases are entered. I stopped trying to figure out Google, and for that matter everything about the internet long ago.

Here's the part I laugh about: I imagine some naked fat guy in Bangladesh or New Zealand that's scanning the internet for whack-off material, and Googles a phrase like "Big pussy". He connects to my site, and finds this:

Or he'll put in "midget hooker", and get this:

Or he'll fire up "conjoined twins sex", squirt some Lubriderm in his hand in anticipation, and come up with this:

And I always crack up when I think of some poor bastard with his dick in his hand, when he Googles up "vagina trophy". He thinks he's going to see some erotic art, and he spots this instead:

I made up the Vagina Trophy a few years ago as a spoof on the Vezina Trophy that the best goalie wins in the NHL. I have to believe this isn't what a guy (or girl) has in mind when they plug that phrase in for a search. I wonder how many times, and in how many languages, has the question "What the fuck is this?" been uttered before they quickly click out of my blogsite.

But it still counts as a hit, so there.

I'd like to think that maybe some of these sick sons of bitches stick around to read an article or two, and maybe get a little chuckle before they venture back to SpankWorld. Probably not, but no matter what your motive is, you're always welcome to stop by. We don't have any room to judge around here- that's for sure.

Old Dawgs Repeat As Champs

2011-08-26T16:30:00.000-06:00

Win Yet Another Title With 6-1 Victory

After barely crawling into the SDOHL summer championship game, the Old Dawgs put on a show in the final, rolling over a shorthanded Wasabi team, 6-1. The Dawgs have now won both league titles heading into the winter season, which begins in October.

Two veteran Dawg Nation players led their team in the championship contest. Tito Pijanowski continued to dominate the SDOHL playoff season, scoring his seventh and eighth goals, and team captain Marty Richardson, who came straight to the contest from Denver International Airport, banged in his second and third.

John Thielen chipped in with an important goal and assist, new Dawgs player Mario Lopez notched a goal, and Dawg Nation's most improved player Dan Cashman added two assists.
Goalie Al Sterner, after a less than stunning beginning, bravely fell in front of 11 shots to pick up his fourth league championship in a Dawgs uniform.

After pretty much dominating the SDOHL winter league, the Old Dawgs had struggled through much of the summer, finishing with just a 4-5 record. The playoffs were a round-robin affair, where all four teams in the league would play each other, and then the top two would play in the championship game. Despite going 1-1-1 in the three games, it was good enough for the Dawgs to make the final.

Wasabi played without some key players, including their leading scorer Matt McCoy, while the Old Dawgs, after playing much of the summer shorthanded themselves, finally had almost their entire lineup intact. A very important part of the Dawgs' equation was Richardson, who just arrived back in Denver before the game after spending the week attending a convention in San Francisco of the Financial Advisors Guild, or F.A.G. In fact, Richardson didn't even have time to change out of his work clothes before driving straight to the Foothills Ice Arena.

Richardson

Another very important member rejoined the team when defenseman Greg Clinard courageously battled back from a broken hand to play in the all important contest. Clinard, known to his teammates as the "Nard Dog", fractured his left hand in a tragic masturbation accident while his wife was out of town.

Frozen in that position

Wasabi scored the first goal of the title match after less than five minutes had elapsed. The puck was sent into the Dawgs zone, where goalkeeper Sterner gathered it and spotted Pijanowski breaking up the right side of the ice. Summoning all of his keen offensive skills, Sterner fired a perfect pass...right onto the stick of Wasabi forward and complete douche Kevin Baird, who happily deposited the puck into the empty Dawgs net for a 1-0 lead.

Sterner

Pijanowski got his team back level before the end of the period, when he converted a breakaway past Wasabi goalie Steve Bergman. So the period ended at 1-1, the Old Dawgs outshot their opponent by a 9-5 margin, and Sterner promised his team that he would never try to play another puck. Things looked fairly optimistic going into period number two.

It only took the Dawgs 1:41 to jump ahead in the middle frame, when Pijanowski nailed his second of the game off a nice feed from Dan Cashman. Then three minutes later, the lead was doubled when Greg Clinard, standing at his own goal line with the puck, spotted Richardson coming off the bench at the opposite blue line.

Ignoring the throbbing in his left hand, and the coinciding throbbing in his pants because he enjoys pain, Clinard threaded a beautiful long pass down the middle, catching Richardson in stride. The diminutive captain skated in alone on Bergman, and rifled a laser into the top corner to make it 3-1.

Then four minutes later, while on a power play because Wasabi's Kevin Baird received a four minute penalty (two for roughing, two for being a jackoff), the Old Dawgs extended their lead to three. Forward John Thielen banged in a rebound from a Richardson shot, and the Old Dawgs were looking great heading to the third period.

Matters were pretty much settled just over two minutes into the final stanza, when center Mario Lopez skated in alone and fired a low shot past Bergman, who was so faked out that he never moved to make a save. 5-1, game over, and thanks for coming. Have a safe drive home.

Lopez

The Old Dawgs managed one more goal before the end of the game, and they saved their best for last. Working a five on three power play, the boys moved the puck deftly around the zone, before Cashman again found Richardson in front of the net. Richardson one-timed a honey again into the top corner, and that was the icing on the cake.

6-1, and repeat champions.

The statistics showed how dominating a performance it was by the Old Dawgs. They outshot Wasabi by a massive 29-12 difference, and the only real scoring chance the regular season champs had was when Sterner gifted their only goal. Along with Clinard and Pijanowski, defensemen Jimmy Tiernan and Nigel Richardson were both very solid in holding Wasabi to their lowest shot total of the season.

They might have been missing some players, but it still would have been very tough to beat the Old Dawgs- playing at their best in a title game.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Thursday night, Old Dawgs forward Mike "Sully" Sullivan officially became the oldest man ever to win a league championship at the age of 68. He had no idea he won until his wife told him on Saturday. He thought he was at the Copa Cabana catching the midnight show with Tony Bennett.

Sully, confused and in the middle

After the championship game, Wasabi filed a formal protest to have the result overturned. They didn't believe the Old Dawgs were using illegal players, they were angry because the Dawgs played without Eddie Cribbs, who sucks just enough to possibly tilt the game the other direction.

Cribbs, left, out with strained pussy

Old Dawgs forward Dan Cashman insisted on wearing his helmet and mouthguard for the team photo. It was later discovered that doctors have ordered Cashman to do that whenever he puts on skates, whether he is on the ice or not, for fear that he might hurt himself.

No, that's not weird or anything

As stated earlier, defenseman Greg Clinard spent an extended amount of time away from his wife. That may explain why he had a shit eating grin on his face the entire game.

Jesus, how fuckin' happy can a guy be?

Team captain Marty Richardson helped his team celebrate victory this week by making his favorite appetizers for after the game.

Family Night and Miss USA III

2011-07-20T11:27:00.013-06:00

So last Sunday night, the family and I gathered for the third straight year to watch the Miss USA beauty pageant. Along with the National Spelling Bee, beauty pageants are our favorite things to watch as a group, because we spend two hours making fun of the contestants.

Since we began this family tradition (archive back to 5/2010 and 4/2009 if you want to see the old ones), I've noticed a trend. As the kids have gotten older, the content has become a lot dirtier. Funny how that works, huh? But this year, the smut rose to an entirely new level, as you'll see in the next few minutes as you read my annual diary for the evening.

As you follow our journey, you'll probably wonder why I'm okay with my teenage kids making inappropriate comments, and using bad language. It's a fair question. Here's my thinking: as much as you might think that your kid doesn't swear...he or she really does. I did when I was that age, and so did you. So to think that they don't is being naive.

And as much as I paint a picture of them being deviants, we really have great kids. They all do great in school, they're respectful to adults, and they know when and when not to use bad language. So I let them speak like adults because they've earned it. And adults swear. So if that makes me a bad parent, well... then fuck it.

So without any other stipulations, buckle up, and let's get to the 2011 Miss USA Pageant!

8:00- Welcome back to the basement fortress! Tonight, we've once again put together the usual cast of characters, including my beautiful wife Annie, plus my sons Mike (16), Sam (15), and Ben (11). I'll be the chubby little fella sitting in my easy chair, scratching notes as fast as I can, and trying not to pass out while laughing at my kids.

Tonight, Annie has introduced a special deal to all of the boys down in the old fortress. She has offered to take all the reins off when it comes to inappropriate comments, which is a first for her. She usually tries (most of the time unsuccessfully) to at least keep the nastiest comments to a minimum. But tonight, anything goes, if....the boys can go the entire two hours without farting out loud.

The boys put their heads together, think about it for a moment, and take the deal. I personally don't think they can make it, because together they have more gas than the fuckin' Hindenburg, but let's give it a shot.

The pageant is back at the Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas, and this year will be hosted by the annoying Giuliana Rancic from E!, and Andy Cohen from Bravo, a network that doesn't deserve an exclamation point. Sam and Mike yell "Goo!", when Cohen is introduced. I ask what the hell that means. They say that's what you call a gay Jew. Annie immediately regrets the deal she made a few minutes ago. First DVR pause of the evening while I bust up for a minute.

The first thing they do is have all the contestants introduce themselves- it gives us a chance to evaluate everybody, and try to select the winner out the original 51. Mike actually plucked Miss Michigan out of the group last year, and she ended up winning, which was very impressive.

They go through the girls so fast, it's hard to get a good look, but we stop the DVR when we see something interesting:

Miss Alaska- Mike steals a line from South Park, and yells out, "Goddamn polar gook!". Annie hadn't heard that one- actually cracks her up, which doesn't happen often.

Georgia- She obviously bleaches her hair, and Annie is all over that. She's our expert on dye jobs, and fake boobs. Mike says, "I wonder if she bleaches her vag? I'll bet she has a snow beaver". But he says it so it sounds like "beav-uh".

DVR pause- we're not two minutes in, and I'm crying already. New record.

Louisiana- Typical pageant big hair, but she looks like she's around 45. Sam says "She's a MILF, though."

Minnesota- Bad makeup choice- she looks like a raccoon. Mike- "Holy shit, my weiner just retreated. My name is Brittany, I'm 24, and I like scraps!"

Nevada- Our first contestant of the night that might be a dude. She needs to give Gary Busey his teeth back. Sam- "I'll bet she's the master of tucking".

New Hampshire- Tiny head- looks like Bert from Sesame Street.

Ohio- Big old girl- kind of like Brooke Hogan, except even bigger than that. Mike yells out in a really deep voice, "ME...HAVE...COCK!!!"

We are now only four fucking minutes in, and I'm laughing so hard, I'm almost exhausted. Both sleeves of my shirt are wet from wiping away tears. No way I make two hours of this. I need a moment to get my shit together. Extended DVR pause, please...

8:10- Okay, we're back. They cut down straightaway to the top 15 after the original parade of states, but first we need to meet our analysts for the evening. One of them is Susie Castillo, who was Miss USA once, but the years haven't been kind since. Ben sums up the other one, when he says, "Who's the fat dude on the left?"

Turns out it's Kelly Osbourne. But congrats to Ben for getting a comment in for the first time. He'll be as sick as the other two little bastards in no time. Kelly's lost weight recently, but she's still icky, especially with the tats all over her arms. Nice call on that, Princess of Darkness.

8:15- Okay, we're down to 15. I won't list them all, because this article is already going to be as long as War and Peace. We all made our picks after the intros- Mike took California, Sam had North Carolina, and Ben nabbed Utah. I had to negotiate with Annie- we both had New York, but I backed off and picked Indiana, because I'm just that good of a human being. That, and she promised to give me the old "rub and tug" later on. Okay, not really.

The only one of our picks that didn't make the top 15 was North Carolina, and Sam yelled, "My penis betrayed me!" It won't be the last time, son...

8:25- Alrighty, it's our favorite time of the evening- the swimsuit competition! Mike says, "Look, I've already got a quarter chub!" I don't look.

They'll all be strutting their stuff to the song Blow, by Ke$ha. The boys' eyes light up like kids in a candy store. I have a feeling they may be changing some of the lyrics. In fact, I'm absolutely positive they'll be changing the lyrics. Annie is secretly wishing one of them will fart so she can put the censorship button back on.

The "Snow Beavuh" from Georgia makes it to the top 15, but she's just okay in a swimsuit. Tennessee is really good, and Missouri looks great in a blue bikini. Mike says, "Wow, her suit and my balls are the same color right now". Goddammit- DVR pause again...

Meanwhile, Sam's in the background, singing My dick's about to blowwww....oh,oh oh oh oh oh, oh...(if you've heard the song, you know the part I'm talking about).

Annie, Ben and I make a startling discovery while the older boys continue to alter the way I'll ever listen to the Ke$ha song for the rest of my life. Our picks (New York, Utah, and Indiana, respectively) all have one thing in common. To quote my dad..."They gots no boobs". Uh-oh...nobody wins a Donald Trump pageant without lots of sweater meat. We couldn't tell during the original parade of states, but now we all know we're fucked.

Sam still isn't letting up on the song: Go insane, go insane, wrap your lips around my brain...now put it in your hands, hands; put it in your hands....

Honest to God, I might have a fuckin' conniption before this thing is over. I feel numbness and tingling down my left arm- is that a bad sign?

Florida comes out, and she's way, way skinny, except for the boobage. Annie calls fake boob alert right away, and we notice she has stretch marks by her hip bones, which we see because she has her suit riding way too low. Mike says, "She must have gotten her vag lowered".

Hawaii is next, and she is of Asian descent. Mike chimes in again- "I wonder if she plays the gook-ulele?" Holy shit, that was spontaneously quick. I'm sorry- I know I'm a bad parent, but I can't help but be impressed.

Here comes California, who is Mike's pick. We didn't notice during the original parade, but she has reddish hair, which is usually a deal breaker for both the older kids. Sam yells, "Mike, she's a ginger!" Mike yells back, "Ah, goddammit!" Then Sam steals a line from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and says, "I wonder if the drapes match the pubes".

Annie begs for someone...anyone... to fart right now so she can get this thing under control. She'll receive no help from me- I'm pretty much a quivering mass of Jello in the easy chair rght now.

8:45- Okay, they're ready to cut from 15 to eight, which is strange because they usually trim to ten. As we expected, Indiana, New York, and Utah got bounced, along with the "snow beavuh" from Georgia. The only one of our original picks left is Mike's ginger from California.

When the eight are introduced, they quickly put up some biographical info as they come forward. Here's a tidbit that sticks out- Miss Alabama would like to "have lunch with Helen Keller". The boys go straight to the Kelen Keller jokes, including falling off a cliff and masturbating. Where do they hear all this shit? And I know what you're thinking. It wasn't from me...up yours.

We then discover that California is naturally blonde, but dyes her hair auburn. Mike feels a little bit better, but still regrets backing a "daywalker". Whatever the fuck that is.

After all the eight are introduced, they go to Kelly Osbourne for her analysis. Here lipstick is really a strange color. We all try to decide what shade it is.

Me: "Hot pink?"

Annie: "I don't know, but it's ugly."

Mike- "Labia?"

Sam- "Vagina lips?"

Mike- "Sam, you idiot. That's what a labia is."

Sam- "I didn't know that. I thought 'labia' was the country where that Gaddafi guy lives. Screw you, Mike".

9:05- I'm not sure what happened for the last 10 minutes. I think I had that conniption I was talking about a few minutes ago when I heard that labia conversation from the boys, and everything went black for a bit. I honestly don't give a flying fuck about the pageant anymore. I'm 52, and I don't think I've ever laughed this much in my life. And I thought watching the spelling bee with these boners was funny.

9:10- It's time for the evening gown competition, which none of us likes very much, except Annie. Tonight, as they walk down the runway, they'll be accompanied by none other than Tinie Tempah, and his song "Million Miles Away". He's joined by someone named Eric Turner, who's wearing a hat that makes him look like a Jewish Inspector Gadget.

Writer's note: Why don't hip-hop guys have real names? Pit Bull, Ne-Yo, Soulja Boy, etc. The only one I can think of right off hand is Chris Brown, who should change his name to Bitch Puncha, or something like that. I'm just saying...

I guess it goes all right, but like I said a few minutes ago, I'm in regroup mode right now. Maryland scores the best, and Mike's California ginger did great as well. South Carolina looked like she should have been in Gone With the Wind, and Alabama's got a big ol' butt.

Kelly Osbourne is saying something, but I can't look at her any more. She'll be the "talking labia" forever- I can't do anything about it now- it's out of my hands.

9:30- Now they're cutting down to four, which is again different than the usual five. Mike's girl is still in, along with Tennessee, who is great looking, Texas, who ain't, and Alabama. It is actually five, if you include Alabama's big ol' butt.

9:35- They always have commercials for feminine products during pageants, and we're watching one for something called a "Nuvaring". Without getting real graphic (because, gee, I'd never want to offend anyone), it's a device that's inserted once a month, and does a 99% job of birth control for women.

Mike- "Wait... you have to put that thing in your gooch for a whole month?"

Me- "Did you just say 'gooch'?"

Sam- "Jesus! That's gross!"

For some reason, they show it after it's taken out.

Mike- "Holy shit! It looks like a baked apple!"

Fuck me...I physically can't laugh any more. Please, sweet tap dancin' Jahovah, make it stop...

9:45- Now comes the most important part of the evening-the final question for the last four contestants:

California- Asked about medical marijuana- says it's okay as long as there is a physical need for it. I play hockey with several guys that got their card- told the doctor they have a bad back or some bullshit. What a racket that is. Anyway, she did okay- pretty safe answer.

Texas- Says it's not okay to burn the flag (they'd never let her back home if she said anything different). She also says it would be bad to burn the Muslim Koran, so I guess that makes her an "equal opportunity redneck". Whatever- she's not very attractive...

Tennessee- Asked about politicians that Twitter pictures of their dick to girls. Nice job on that, Congressman Weiner. She gives a good answer- she has a great chance to win.

Alabama- She thinks bullies should be prosecuted when their victims kill themselves. She repeats herself several times, and stammers through most of her answer. She should have let her big ol' butt answer the question.

We're almost finished. And then I can recover for a few hours- I'm not shittin' you- my stomach hurts.

Right before they go to commercial, they show all the four finalists one more time. Mike says, "Hey, dad?".

Uh-oh. "Yeah, Mike?"

"I don't know about you, but I can't imagine any of those girls taking a big old runny shit. You know, the 'Canadian squirts'? How about you?" Wasn't expecting that one- I've literally run out of tears at this point.

I get it now. That little fucker is trying to kill me, because he thinks I'm heavily insured, and he might get a car. The bad part is, there's about a 50/50 chance based on the last two hours. Devious little bastard...

9:50- Thank Vishnu, we're almost done. Here are the results:

4th place- Texas: I thought she finished a lot higher than she should have.

3rd place- Alabama: She really overachieved- she was Christina Aguilera thick.

2nd place- Tennessee: Dammit, I was rooting for her ever since Indiana lost because she had no knockers.

That means...yes, Miss California wins. And that also means that for the second year in a row, Mike picks the winner from the original 51. You know how they use a divining rod to find water? I think Mike points his dick at the screen at the start of the pageant and finds the winner that way. No other way to explain it.

So, boys and girls, that's another year for me and the family watching the Miss USA pageant. I'm sorry if the content got a little out of hand, but that's really what happens during these shows in our basement.

I'm just warning you right now, Miss Universe is in September, and it might actually be worse, because you're mixing in foreign girls, so that opens up a whole other kettle of fish. So when you see "Family Night and Miss Universe", just proceed at your own risk.

Just between you and I, I know you'll read it just to see what the kids say. See you then.

If You Don't Love Soccer Now, You Have No Pulse

2011-07-11T01:29:00.011-06:00

Kids, I've been watching sports seriously since I was around seven, when my first hero Johnny Unitas played quarterback for the old Baltimore Colts. That means I've been obsessed with various games for the past 45 years. And yeah, I know I'm fuckin' old. Shut up.

In that time, I've seen some unbelievable shit. Of course, the top of the list is when Team USA won the hockey gold medal in the 1980 Olympics. And there have been other amazing things, like Kirk Gibson hitting a game winning home run for the Dodgers in the 1988 World Series with two bad legs, and Jack Nicklaus winning the 1986 Masters at age 46. Those are on the top of my list, but there have been hundreds of things that have defied belief over the years.

But this morning, my kids and I sat down and watched the U.S. women's soccer team play Brazil in the quarter finals of the World Cup in Germany. And the drama that happened in those two and a half hours was better than almost anything I've ever seen. I'll never be able to do it justice, but I'll try to describe what happened.

Before I start, let me just say that even though I write mostly about hockey, we're pretty much a soccer family. In fact, around our house, we call it football like the rest of the world does. I played for 25 years, and three of my kids play now. It gets a bad name in America, but when it's played right, like in the English Premier League, it's just beautiful to watch.

Anyway, these were the two best teams still left in the tournament, and they were only playing in the quarters because the U.S. fucked up their last preliminary game Wednesday against Sweden. The big favorites, Germany, lost yesterday at home to Japan in the "World War II Losers Match", so the winner of this game was pretty much in the driver's seat for the World Cup.

America received a gift early, when after only one minute, a Brazilian player accidentally knocked the ball into her own net (called an own goal), and the good guys were up one. The rest of the half was pretty ugly, with neither team getting very many good chances, so we were ahead 1-0 at the break.

The second half was a whole other story. About 18 minutes in, the best player in the world, Marta from Brazil (not sure why all Brazilian players only use one name, but they do), made a terrific move around 10 yards from goal, and was fouled by the American Rachel Buehler.

Writer's note: I'm going to stop for just a moment so you guys can get this out of your system (think of Ben Stein's voice):

Buehler?

Buehler?

Buehler?

Anyone?

Okay, we're back. Because the foul took away a good scoring chance, Buehler was red carded, and given the rest of the day off (See what I did there? Thank you-I'm here all week). For those of you out there that know jack-shit about soccer (and that's just about all of you), that meant that USA would have to play a woman short for the rest of the game. Borderline call by the Australian referee, but I understood why she sent her off.

So on the ensuing penalty kick, the U.S. goalie, Hope Solo, made a giant save (penalties are saved maybe two out of ten times usually), and it looked like we were still ahead by one. But no, the ref determined that Solo left her line too early before the kick was taken, and Brazil got another chance. This time they made it, and the match was level at one.

The replay showed that Solo was nowhere near coming off her line before the kick, and this would begin possibly the worst stretch of officiating I've ever seen in an organized sport. We'll get back to that in a bit.

There was still over 20 minutes left in regulation, but the Americans held on without giving up another goal (Solo was fuckin' brilliant). So they went to extra time, which is an additional 30 minutes, without sudden death. That meant that our women played almost half the game shorthanded. You hockey players out there, imagine being on a penalty kill for half the game. Not an easy task, right?

Just two minutes into the extra frame, Brazil scored when Marta flicked in a terrific shot off the inside of the post. But the replay showed that the original pass was offside, but not whistled down. Un-fucking-believable. 2-1, but there were still 28 minutes left. Thank God for no sudden death.

USA spent those 28 minutes doing everything they could to get the equalizer. And Brazil was doing everything they could to delay the game, so time would run out. And the referee was letting them get away with it, while missing a menagerie of calls, mostly on who touched the ball last before it went out of bounds. She was clearly in over her head, and the whole world was watching this Australian skank fuck up a pretty good game. The kids and I were just going bat-shit down in the basement while we watched.

The worst came with about three minutes left in overtime. America was putting on a ton of pressure in the Brazil goal area, when all of a sudden, one of their defenders (Erika, #13) grabbed her back and just dropped to the ground like she'd been shot. She rolled around on the ground, and had to be stretchered off, after laying there for around three minutes.

The stretcher went about twenty feet, when this bitch jumped off of it and ran back onto the field, showing zero signs of the injury. Worst case of time wasting I've ever seen. This is why Americans hate soccer. Soccer players, especially from the Latin countries, will cheat their asses off to win a game, and have no problem faking an injury to waste time in a close match, or flopping to get a foul call when they're not even touched. It's embarrassing, and it's a black mark on a beautiful sport. They need to put a stop to it, and right fucking now.

But there was a silver lining to all that nonsense. The German crowd, who already sensed that the Americans were getting gang banged by the refs, completely turned on the Brazilians, booing and whistling every time they touched the ball. And, believe it or not, the whole crowd started chanting "USA!!!USA!!!USA!!!". I doubt that has ever happened in Europe, and it just had to fire up our women.

So the 30 minutes ran out, but the officials actually added on another three, because of all the time wasting tactics (probably should have been more like five or six, but three wasn't too bad from that bunch of dipshits). The U.S. needed to score a goal, or they were heading home.

They only needed two minutes. Abby Wambach, the oldest, most experienced, and probably least attractive of the American players, got on the end of a delicious long crossing ball from Megan Rapinoe, and headed in a beauty from about six yards out. Tell you what- she got a lot better looking to the boys and I when that ball hit the back of the net.

Maybe this is why the Germans loved us. Imagine her with a tiny moustache. She looks a little bit like Hitler, right?

Well, we went fuckin' nuts down in the basement. Scoring a late goal almost never happens, and it just came out of nowhere. So now, we were going to penalty kicks to decide the game. Best of five moved on to the semifinals. All the Brazilians had a stunned look on their faces. The funny part was that if Erika hadn't faked her fucking back injury, they never would have added three minutes, and Brazil would have won.

Karma, baby...

Usually one save is good enough to win a shootout, and we liked our chances because Hope Solo is so damned good. To me, she's women soccer's version of Patrick Roy- kind of a bitch, but absolutely the person you want between the pipes. Plus, she's as close as anyone on the whole U.S. squad that's decent looking.

Both teams banged in their first few shots, but then on the third Brazilian shooter (same girl that scored the own goal early), Hope dove to her right, got a couple of fingers on the ball, and deflected it past the post. It was beautiful. This time the moron ref let the save stand- I'd bet the house that Solo would have strangled her if she would have called it back.

The U.S. hit their first four penalties, so it was all up to defender Ali Krieger, who just happens to play professionally in Germany. If she made hers, the game would be over. The boys and I were on the edge of our seats. She stepped up, and calmly passed the ball right into the lower left corner of the net. Game over. And of course, we jumped around the basement for a few minutes.

It was one of the best games I've ever seen- easily top five. The quality of play was great, there were great villains with the Brazilians and the refs, and the game was really important. Combine a thunderbolt of a goal in the last minute with winning in a shootout, and you have yourself a memory that will last a long time. If you didn't see it, look for it on ESPN Classic. I'll bet they show it soon, and you won't be disappointed.

I've Got Man-Crushes, and I Don't Care Who Knows

2011-06-22T13:50:00.007-06:00

Okay kids, I have to get something off my chest. I'm happily married, I have four kids, and I'd like to think I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. Having said that, I've got a man-crush on three dudes, and it's time I told both of you who read this shit.

1. Arnold Palmer- This is not a new thing- I've loved Mr. Palmer for a lot of years. I've always said that if I ever get the chance, I'm going to have him sign my man-cleavage in permanent marker. I'm not kidding.

There was a time when I was a halfway decent golfer before little league sports completely dominated my free time (had the handicap down to six, which ain't too shabby for an old fat guy), and he was the guy I wanted to emulate.

And it wasn't because of his golf. I started playing seriously around 1980, and by that time he was pretty much at the end of his PGA career, and had moved on to the Senior Tour. It was the way he handled himself, on and off the course, that made me want to be like him.

The man signs every autograph, poses for every picture, and never takes his fans for granted. He has more money than God, but you'd never know it by the way he acts. If you look up the word class in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Arnold Palmer. He's 81 years old now (same age as my dad, by the way), and my greatest wish is to shake his hand before he goes to the big 19th hole in the sky.

2. Justin Timberlake- Yeah, I know, I'm a rump ranger. But hear me out on this, okay? I don't give three shits about his music, although Rock Your Body is a pretty kicky song. What I like about him is that he isn't afraid to make fun of himself, which is absolutely the best quality a celebrity can have. Or anyone, for that matter.

If you've seen any of his appearances on Saturday Night Live, you know exactly what I mean. He has no shame- he'll dress in a turkey costume, an old lady outfit- he even put on a leotard and high heels to back up Beyonce during a skit where they were shooting a video.

But the highlight for Timberlake had to be where he goofed on his In Sync roots, and shot a video with Andy Samberg called Dick In a Box. If you haven't seen it- where the hell have you been? Get over to Hulu as soon as you can- it's really funny, along with the two sequel videos they made later.

He's humble, he's funnier than shit, and he got to drop the hammer on Jessica Beal for a couple of years, so there. Anybody that gets to do that is aces in my book.

3. Timmy Thomas- I've liked him for a long time, but he made my man-crush list this year. And there are a variety of reasons.

First, we have a little bit of a physical resemblance. We're both short, bearded, old and chubby. Also, we have similar styles of play, in that we both scramble and flop around on the ice a lot. Now, he flops because he has the ability to stand right back up and get himself back into play. I flop around because once I go down, I'm like a turtle on it's back. I just kick my little legs until one of my defensmen turns me over on my belly.

In an era where most of the goalkeepers are 6'3" or better, this guy is a throwback to a different time. He's listed at 5'11", but I'd bet the house that he isn't over 5'9". As proof, just scroll down my blog to where he fought Carey Price earlier this season. Price is listed at 6'3", and just towers over Thomas.

Second, Timmy is the absolute model of perseverance. After a decent college career, the guy bounced around the minor leagues and in Finland because he couldn't land a job in the NHL. He finally started playing regularly for the Bruins when he was 32 years old. That's a hell of a long time to wait for your shot, but he wanted it that bad.

Then two seasons ago, after winning the Vezina Trophy for being the NHL's top goalie, he hurt his hip and lost his starting job to a sieve named Tuukka Rask, who promptly choked away a three game lead against Philadelphia in the playoffs. Thomas was 36, and it looked pretty much like the end of the line for being a starter. Instead of accepting that role as a backup, he had surgery on his hip and worked his ass off to regain that number one spot.

Then this season, after taking just a few games to put Rask's ass back on the bench, Timmy set a record for save percentage in a season, and absolutely carried his team on his back to a Stanley Cup over a more talented Vancouver squad. He gave up eight lousy goals in seven games. He won another Vezina, and was the oldest player ever to win to the Conn Smythe Award (playoff MVP), at 37.

So we're similar in stature (not so much, talent-wise), and I can't help but admire the shit out of how hard he's worked for his success. But that isn't really why I love Timmy Thomas. For me, it's the way he conducts himself on the ice, and with his teammates.

If you looked closely during the Stanley Cup Finals, he always had a smile on his face. It didn't matter if he was winning or losing- you could see that shit eating grin on his bearded grill the whole time. He just looked like he was enjoying the experience so much, the game situation was almost secondary.

Plus, he's the perfect teammate. He constantly pumps up the guys in front of him, and encourages them when they make a mistake. As a result, they fuckin' love the guy. They'll throw themselves in front of pucks to block shots, and if anyone from the other team touches Timmy after the whistle, there are about three guys up his ass.

And even at the broken down old age of 52, that is the kind of teammate I'm striving to be. I've gone through periods, because I'm so goddamn competitive, where I've barked at my friends on the team when they've made mistakes, and lost sleep when I've fucked up. And I'm not proud of it at all. I wish I had a do-over on a lot of that shit.

It's taken a long time, but I'm finally getting to the point, as I get near the end of the career, where I'm really enjoying the experience, and having a bunch of fun with my buddies. I can't remember the last time I yelled at a teammate, and I'm going out of my way to tap a guy on the ass with my stick when he makes a good play. And even better, I'm going out of my way to tap a guy on the ass when he messes up, which is when he needs it more.

So there may be hope for my wrinkled old ass after all. I really believe a more positive outlook has improved my game, and I'm almost certain I'm more enjoyable to be around. If an old, short fat goalie in the NHL can be a great teammate, then an old, short fat goalie in the beer league can be one as well.

Family Night and the Spelling Bee IV

2011-06-08T11:29:00.019-06:00

So last Thursday night the family all gathered in our basement fortress to celebrate what has become a favorite family tradition. The school year has ended, we've gotten through the Memorial Day weekend, and now it's time to enjoy the annual Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee.

Honest to God, this night is right up there with Christmas and Thanksgiving in our household. It is the one evening of the year where we can get together, and further our education, while expanding our vocabularies.

Okay, that's bullshit. We actually spend three hours making fun of the mutants that are the contestants in this spectacle. This is what the military guys call a "target rich environment" for dorks, and Sweet Jahovah, do the jokes fly around the room like SCUD missiles during the contest. This is our fourth year doing this, and I always keep a running diary to try and capture how much fun we have.

(Writers note: If you want to see the other three articles, you can archive back to July/2010, June/2009, and May/2008. If you happen to have had a kid that was one of the contestants, I apologize in advance. Not really.)

As always, before I begin please let me reiterate that I'm fully aware that we're indeed a bunch of assholes that need to find something more constructive to do than make fun of doinks. But again, when was the last time you spent a night with your entire family, all laughing your asses off? It's been awhile, right? I think I can live with the guilt. So for the fourth year in a row, bite me.

(One more writer's note: You guys must not be too indignant- I get more good feedback on the spelling bee and pageant articles than anything else. I think I chased off all the tight-asses a long time ago, except there were some that were really pissed about me cracking basketball players vs. hockey players recently. But like my Dad always says: Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.)

And now, put on your thinking caps, boys and girls, it's time for The Running of the Dorks. Here we go:

6:30- Good evening, everybody, and welcome to back to the fortress! Tonight I am joined by my lovely wife Annie, along with my boys Mike (16), Sam (15), and Ben (11). My daughter Lauren (7), also known as "The Girl", will be in and out of the room all night. We'll try, and most likely fail, to keep the bad language down while she's around.

We're greeted by our hosts for the evening, Sage Steele from ESPN, and 1990 champion Paul Loeffler, whom we're certain has still retained his virginity since last year. We're already extremely happy, because Tom Bergeron isn't anywhere in sight. Goddamn, I hate Tom Bergeron...

As always, the words will be given tonight be Denver's Dr. Jacques Bailly, who isn't exactly a fireball of personality. He fits right in with the rest of this group.

6:35- Okay, here comes our favorite part of the evening- let's meet tonight's finalists! If you haven't read the other three articles, I always give the contestants nicknames, because I don't want to have to spell their real names all night. You'll see why in a second.

There are only two tonight that were here last year. They are:

Laura Newcombe- Laura is a very pleasant young lady from Canada, who has an Asian mom, and a very, very white dad. We quickly throw around some mail-order bride jokes- the best being "You love me long time, eh?" We're just getting warmed up. Laura will again be called, "Can-Asian".

Joanna Ye- Joanna's from Scranton, PA, which makes us believe she has a future working for Dunder-Mifflin. She's grown up since last year, and her hair looks like one of the Jonus Brothers. She'll again be "Ye-Haw".

Now let's meet the eleven that are new this year:

Samual Estep- Samual looks like a mini version of Steve Carell, including the very large nose, and doesn't move his mouth when he speaks. We'll call him "The 11 Year Old Virgin".

Prakash Mishra- Prakash is the first of whole shitload of Indians that will be on the stage tonight. He's wearing a cricket jersey that has the number of what must be a famous player back in the homeland. I know more about sports than most guys, but the only thing I know about cricket is that it takes days to play, and it sucks. Sam comes up with his nickname, which is "Oshkosh Prakash".

Lily Jordan- Lily is from Maine, which helps explain why she might be the whitest girl I've ever seen. I have to believe the sun comes out every once in awhile in Maine, but I don't think Lily has ever seen it. She'll be "Albino Lily".

Mashad Arora- Another Indian kid, and we discover that he is from Brownsville, Texas. Mike says, "Isn't everywhere he goes Brownsville?" Hey, we made it almost eight minutes before tonight's first entry for "Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening". We now have to call him "Brownsville".

Nabeel Rahman- Nabeel is from Buffalo, loves the Rubik's Cube, and was recently in the Math Olympiad. Gee, no shit. He'll be "Top Rahman". You know, like the noodles? Try to keep up.

Arvind Mahankali- Arvind is from New York City, is 11 years old, and weighs approximately 35 pounds. That is one tiny little Indian bastard. We quickly label him, "Starvin' Arvind".

Dhivya Senthil Murugam- See what I mean about having to spell the names? Holy shit. Dhivya is from our very own Denver, is the youngest finalist at 10 years old, has a raspy voice, and looks a lot like Dora the Explorer. Because of the voice, we call her "Sexy Dora".

Dakota Jones- Dakota is from Las Vegas, has a mouthful of braces, glasses, and plays the viola. He has not one chance in hell of ever getting laid. We all think that Dakota Jones should be the name of a black porn star. We're going to call him "Not Black Dakota Jones".

Veronica Penny- Veronica is from Toronto, and clearly does not want to be here tonight. All the other kids are smiling and waving to the camera, and Veronica is doing this:

This picture doesn't even do justice to how bad the look on here face is. She cried when she was spelling a word in the semifinals this afternoon, because she thought she missed it. Wow, she must get cigarettes put out on her arms at home when she fucks up. This is an easy one- we're calling her "Suicide Girl".

Sriram Hathwar- Sriram is yet another tiny little Indian kid, and his voice is a dead ringer for Linus in the Peanuts cartoons. When they pan over to him during the introductions, he has both hands down the front of his pants. Swear to God. From now on, he's "Pocket Pool Linus".

Sukanya Roy- Holy...Mother...of...God. Every year there is one kid that takes the title of Queen of the Mutants, and your 2011 champ is Sukanya. She's 14, has an oblong head, and easily the longest neck I've ever seen on a human being. I couldn't find a profile picture, but this should give you some idea:

This doesn't begin to do justice to exactly how long her neck is. The kids and I all gasped at the same time, and then happiness descended upon us like a giant cloud of nitrous oxide. Goddamn, we love the spelling bee. She just has to stay in for a long time tonight-there are just too many jokes waiting. She'll be "Indian Cherry Picker".

6:45- Alrighty, all the preliminary bullshit is out of the way, and we can get down to spelling some words. Last year sucked, because they elimated half the contestants in the first round, and the show ended about an hour earlier than normal. We had so many more jokes to tell, and it was all done before we knew it.

7:00- Either the words were easier, or the kids were smarter, but all 13 made it through the first round. Nothing major happened, except that Albino Lily has two chubby younger brothers that held hands while she spelled her word. They looked like they were around 10, so it just seemed a little off that they were holding hands.

Also, Suicide Girl takes the entire 2:30 that they're allowed to spell a word, and then goes really slowly, and makes a face like a bomb is going to go off if she gives the wrong letter. This poor girl has some problems. We decide as a group that we truly don't give a shit.

7:15- Uh-oh, we just lost our first contestant. 11 Year Old Virgin misses bondieuserie, which is shoddy religious art. Is there religious art that isn't shoddy? So Sam Estep is gone. As he's walking off the stage, I yell, "I... need... some... poon!"

(Writers note-If you don't get that last reference, then you must not have seen The 40 Year Old Virgin. If that's the case, I have no use for you. Just get out of my blogsite right now, go rent the movie, and then you can come back. I mean it. Off you go.)

7:20- CanAsian gets the word attaca (pronounced uh-tock-uh) , which is some kind of musical movement. When she asks for it in a sentence, Sam says, "My wife has a hairy attaca", and Mike follows quickly with "I really like the pink attaca". First DVR pause of the night, while I laugh like a little girl for a few minutes.

7:25- They show a chart after a commercial, and Colorado has had seven champions over the years. Guess how many my home state of Wyoming has had? Yeah, that would be a big donut. We don't grow 'em real smart up there. Hell, they skipped me past first grade because I could put two sentences together without shitting my pants. Honest to God, I skipped first grade. Now I'm a fuckin' goalie, and I make dick jokes as a hobby. I peaked at age seven...fuck me. Let's just move on...

7:30- Suicide Girl is up again, and they show a graphic that says she's home schooled. Wow, no shit. Then they show Suicide Mom, and we can see where Veronica gets all her good looks. The lady puts a revolver in her mouth until the word is spelled correctly. This is going to be like The Deer Hunter before the night's over. And if you get that reference, you're old.

7:35- Oops- Albino Lily is out on phanerogam, which is a flowering plant. Now her brothers can stop holding hands, and I can stop being creeped out. And Lily, check out that big yellow thing in the sky once in awhile, won't you please? Even Nicole Kidman thinks you're too pale.

Jesus...

7:40- There goes Top Rahman- he just missed dockmackie (North American shrub). Of course you know what happens next. We all do our Mr. Mackie impressions from South Park. "Drugs are bad, um-kay?" "Which one of you boys made a fudge dragon in the urinal, um-kay?" Goddamn, this is fun so far...

7:45- They're starting to drop faster now- Oshkosh Prakash is gone on susurrus (babbling stream). On his graphic, it shows that he was this year's champion of Mega Math Madness, which must be just a terrific place to score some pussy. Good thing his wife was selected for him ten years ago. Bye, Oshkosh...

7:55- Oh, shit. Everybody better hide all the sharp utensils, Suicide Girl flames out on rougeot, which is a grape disease. I say I had a disease in my rougeots once, but I got a penicillin shot, and it cleared right up. Nobody laughs. Tough room.

So Suicide Girl walks in tears to the other side of the stage, and sits down next to Suicide Mom, who just stares forward. Doesn't clap, doesn't try to comfort her daughter...nothing. I'll bet her whole fucking world revolved around her daughter winning this thing tonight. I'm thinking of the perfect word to describe this bitch, but it's one of the few words I never write. I'll give you a hint, though- it rhymes with "bunt".

8:00- You know who's doing just great tonight? Indian Cherry Picker. She's just bombing right through the words like she's reading them off of a card. We all decide that the reason she's doing so well is that she can extend her neck far enough to see the words on Dr. Bailly's sheet. Shit, I'll bet her breakfast hasn't made it all the way down to her stomach yet. We're talkin' long neck here.

8:05- Sexy Dora's history- she misses ephelides (freckles). She bursts into tears as she gets to her parents, and they actually comfort her. At least both Mike and Sam are very empathetic.

Sam- "She's crying tears of curry and failure".

Mike (in pretty good Indian voice)- "Oh, Vishnu, you have disappointed me yet again".

DVR pause again- that one got me. Goddamn, I love my kids...

8:10- Dammit, there goes Pocket Pool Linus. He crashed on polotouche (flying squirrel). In my best Bullwinkle voice, I say, "Hey polotouche! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" Because, you know, Rocky was a flying squirrel? What I forgot when I made that joke was that none of the kids had ever seen Rocky and Bullwinkle, and they all looked at me like I shit in their hat. Fuck, I have to update my material.

8:15- YeHaw correctly spells teppanyaki, which is some kind of Japanese food. Sage Steele says, "I guess it's good to eat out once in awhile". Mike excitedly says, "Dad, I heard the rules for 'eating out', but I can't say it out loud because Mom will yell at me". Annie agrees, and tells him to keep it to himself. She's trying to keep things from getting too out of hand.

30 seconds later, my cell phone beeps, and it's a text message from Mike. Uh-oh. I open it up, and it says:

The eating out rule: If it tastes like chicken, keep on lickin'. If it tastes like trout, get the fuck out.

8:25- It's been 10 minutes, and I'm just now collecting myself. I've been crying like Sexy Dora while the rest of the family has been getting a snack and taking a piss. Every year, one of those little bastards says something that just kills me, and it was Mike's turn this year. I think they take real pride in busting me up.

8:30- Brownsville is a goner- he misses samiel, which is a hot wind. All my kids would have spelled that word correctly, because they are the masters of the hot wind. I have never been around a group of people that have so much fuckin' gas. If there's ever a Scripps-Howard National Farting Bee, I'll have trophies all over this house.

Anyway, Brownsville sits between his parents, and pushes them both away as they try to make him feel better. He has a severe case of the red-ass right now; he's really pissed. Must be because he realizes he has to go home now. I've been to Brownsville- it's a total hunk of shit.

8:40- Okay, kids, we're down to five. CanAsian and YeHaw have been very strong- I think they're the favorites right now. Starvin' Arvind is still here, along with Not Black Dakota Jones. And my girl Indian Cherry Picker is hangin' in there- she went outside and ate some leaves from the tall trees, so she should be good for the rest of the competition. Did I mention she has a long neck?

9:00- They've gone through three more rounds, and they can't get rid of anybody. The highlight in the last few minutes was when Not Black Dakota Jones had to spell pustza (pronounced puss-taw), which is a treeless plain. Can anyone besides me see the next joke coming right down Broadway?

Mike- "I love a treeless pustza." Yep, that's my special boy right there, ladies and gentlemen. I don't think he's ever even seen a pustza, but now I'm not so sure. Conversation for another time.

9:30- The kids have spelled 23 consecutive words right- this is fuckin' amazing. If this keeps up, we're going to be here until the next Rapture Day. By the way, did anyone else other than me just hesitate for a moment at midnight on May 21st and then say, "Still here? Cool. Let's watch Sportscenter". That rapture guy's a fuckin' lunatic jagoff.

9:40- Finally, we've eliminated somebody! Not Black Dakota Jones misses zanja, which believe it or not, is a Mexican drainage ditch. So NBDJ's hopes and dreams have gone straight down the zanja for this year. Indian Cherry Picker stands and claps as he leaves the stage. I swear to God, her head should be on Easter Island right now.

So we're down to four, and all the white kids are history. They lasted much longer than I thought they would. Well, if nothing else, we still have hockey.

9:45- There goes the last boy- Starvin' Arvind bombs on jugendstil (decorative style). When he gets to the other side of the stage, his dad shakes his hand. Gee, that is a tender moment, Pop. What a penis.

Three girls are still here. Well, two girls and Indian Cherry Picker. Still not quite certain she is of our species.

9:55- Whoa, here's an upset- YeHaw is gone on galoubet, which is a small flute played with the left hand. Come on-are you kidding me? This is the easiest softball we've been thrown all night. I go first:

"I only play with my small flute with my right hand."

Sam- "I'm a southpaw".

Mike- "Joke's on you- I'm ambidextrous. I double date."

One more DVR pause. My stomach muscles are cramping- happens every time we watch this.

10:00- We're down to two. CanAsian has been flawless, and ICP has been just as good. Right before they start giving the final words, she turns sideways, and looks just like a Pez dispenser. I'm not kidding.

No shit- this is pretty close

10:05- CanAsian is the first to stumble- she misses sorites (collection of items). ICP steps up and nails periscii (polar circle), so all she has to do is get one more word right, and she will be the champ.

The word is cymotrichous (wavy hair). ICP does all the regular shit, like asking for language of origin, and then rattles it off perfectly. We have us a winner! They're way over the time allotment, so Dr. Bailly quickly hands over the big trophy, and around $40,000 in cash and prizes. Maybe now she can have that surgery to remove three or four feet of her neck.

Mike sums up the evening for us perfectly, when he jumps off the couch, and rips a giant fart on his way up the stairs. I guess that's "good night" in his language. Sam and I bust up one more time, and Annie shoots me a crusty look. She's pretty much over the farting thing- can't say I blame her that much. But like Dennis Miller says, "You know why kids think farts are the funniest thing in the world? Because they are the funniest thing in the world".

So there you go, boys and girls. One more year with my group of misfits, and this was a fun year. We don't have much time to regroup- the Miss USA pageant is this Sunday, and that is almost as fun as the spelling bee. I'll have a pen in my hand as usual- stop back by again soon, okay?

Old Dawgs Start Summer With 6-1 Win

2011-05-18T10:24:00.018-06:00

The Old Dawgs, who last month won the first SDOHL Trophy given to the winter league champions, picked up right where they left off last Thursday night. Featuring a mix of the core group from last season and several solid new additions, the team looked like they never skipped a beat, skating away with a 6-1 victory over B&K Supply.

Last year's league leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who plays defense like old people screw (badly and not very often), started his summer campaign in fine style, netting a three goal hat trick. Eddie Cribbs, who moved from defense to forward this summer, and new Dawg Greg Clinard each scored a goal and added an assist.

And defenseman Nigel Richardson got his first goal of the summer, capitalizing on one of his patented end to end rushes in the third period, proving yet again that he is the best Richardson on the team.

Goalie Al Sterner, who somehow found a way to stop a slapshot with his eye a few weeks ago in practice, used various other parts of his huskiness to make 20 saves and pick up the win. If he continues his success, he may eventually justify Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's brave decision to go out on a limb and select him in the 12th round of this year's SDOHL draft.

In case you were wondering- yeah, that hurt like a bitch

The Dawgs, much like they did most of last season, got on the board first Thursday night, when Eddie Cribbs converted a pass from Clinard, and shot the puck past B&K goalie Mike Broad. That lead lasted only about six minutes, before B&K's Keith Sobel gathered a loose puck in front of the Dawgs' net, and fired one through Sterner's giant five hole to equalize.

Then at the 15 minute mark of the first, Pijanowski received a pass from Cribbs, and found the back of the net for what would be the game winning goal.

The Polish Prince

The game stayed at 2-1 for much of the second period, and then Pijanowski doubled the Old Dawgs lead at the 12 minute mark, cashing in after skating the length of the ice. He made his standard move, cutting across the net, and then wristed a shot through Broad's pads.

Three minutes later, Greg Clinard skated into the B&K zone after receiving a pass from yet another new Dawg Mario Lopez.

No, not that Mario Lopez. Ours craps bigger than this guy...

Clinard skated across the blue line, found some space to wind up for a slapshot, and blasted a laser into the top corner past a stunned Broad, who never even moved to make a save. It appears that Clinard could end up having the hardest shot in the SDOHL this season, which is a little like being the smartest Polack. It doesn't take that much.

Case in point...

The Dawgs extended their lead to 5-1 five minutes into the third, when Nigel Richardson, summoning the energy usually reserved for his lovely girlfriend Kelly, took the puck from his own blue line, and dashed into the B&K zone. He skated past the last defenseman, and tucked a beauty past Broad to essentially put the game away.

Nope...not his daughter

Pijanowski completed his hatty just a few minutes before the end, and the Old Dawgs were off and running for the new summer season. Although they were outshot by a 21-18 margin, the good guys had the majority of the quality scoring chances, and capitalized on most of them.

The Old Dawgs will try to extend to 2-0 this Thursday night, when they take on the Wasabi team, which also won it's first game. Game time is 8:45.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week, the Old Dawgs welcomed 68 year old Mike "Sully" Sullivan to the team. A Viet Nam veteran, Sully has now played hockey in six different decades, and looks a little like former AWA wrestling champion The Crusher.

Welcome to Dawg Nation, Sully...

This week, Touchstone Imaging goalie Timmy Kmetz, who also plays for Dawg Nation at The Edge, complained of a possible groin strain, resulting from having too large of a penis. Further investigation uncovered Kmetz protective cup, which casts doubts on whether this is a true story.

Both testicles fit in there as well...

This week Old Dawgs captain and former spooge collector Marty Richardson missed the team's first game. He was showing off his new Dawgs tattoo, and accidentally gave himself a sleeper hold, rendering him unconscious before the contest.

Biceps measurement: 3.75 inches

Having not had sex for many years, this week Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs stood next to Dawgs II forward Danny Packard, and quietly imagined that turned sideways, Packard's face would make a perfect vagina. Except for, you know, the teeth.

"I'll bet the carpet matches the drapes..."

OLD DAWGS WIN FIRST SDOHL CUP

2011-04-22T09:59:00.014-06:00

Click to enlarge-but I wouldn't if I were you. Lots of fugly in this bunch.

Things were looking pretty grim in Dawg Nation this year. After six consecutive seasons of bringing home at least one championship from the four Dawgs teams in various leagues, the Nation was down to it's last chance. If there was going to be some hardware to display at the annual Dawgs party in June, it would have to be supplied by the old timers in the Over 4o league.

And after three nail-biting playoff wins, of which two went to overtime, the Dawgs completed a postseason sweep with a solid 4-1 win over a very good Touchstone Imaging squad. The boys were then awarded the inaugural SDOHL Cup, which goes to the league champions.

French-Canadian import Bern Levesque, who illegally entered the U.S. by crossing the St. Lawrence River in a hollowed out baguette, came through huge for his team with a three goal hat trick. Levesque's brother-in-law and fellow stinky French guy Chris Courtiol assisted on all four Dawgs goals, and Eric Wilks contributed with his second marker of the playoffs, which proved to be the eventual game winner.

After letting in an early goal that could be generously described as a steaming piece of shit, Dawgs netminder Al Sterner, aided immensely by a giant effort from his defense, removed his head from his rectum just long enough to make 23 saves. The backchecking effort was terrific from the Dawgs forwards, especially Levesque and Dave Chamberlin, who spent much of the third period patrolling the defensive zone.

Because they finished first during the regular season with a less than overwhelming record of 12-8, and won their first three playoff games, the Old Dawgs had to wait a week to see who their opponents would be in the finals. It turned out to be Touchstone, a team they defeated 5-4 in an exciting shootout in the semifinals.

Touchstone made their way to the championship contest with a 5-3 win against the Llamas, despite being outshot 26-9. They rode on the back of the best goalkeeper in the league, Tim Kmetz, who led the SDOHL in goals against average during the regular season. Kmetz achievement was despite the fact that he comes from Minnesota, sports a beard that looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, and needs to buy a vowel for his last name.

Welcome to Dawg Nation, Timmy

The final game was less than a minute old when Touchstone's Chris Romine centered a pass from the corner to the top of the crease in the Dawgs' zone. "Goaltender extraordinaire" Sterner tried to deflect the pass away and out of danger, but instead the puck hit the heel of his stick and caromed into his own net.

Just a bitchin' play, Al. 1-0, Touchstone.

Sterner

But Levesque would erase the deficit in the 11th minute of the first when he received a nice outlet pass from the Dawgs bi-curious captain Marty Richardson, skated in alone on Kmetz, crossed in front of the net, and fired high to the stick side. Kmetz got a huge piece of the puck, but it still managed to trickle in to level the contest at one.

The Old Dawgs got a huge boost just fifteen seconds before the end of the first, when proud sexual deviant Eric "The Hungarian Jackhammer" Wilks banged in a rebound to put his team on top. For the second time in the period, Kmetz partially stopped the puck, but it still managed to sneak over the goal line. It was the Wilks' second goal of the playoffs, and came with assists from Courtiol and defenseman Eddie Cribbs.

Touchstone came out hard in the second period, and dominated play for much of the frame, outshooting the Dawgs by a 12-5 margin. But despite several stretches where the puck stayed in the Dawgs zone for an extended time, the good guys were able to weather the storm. And against the run of play, they actually got the only goal of the middle session, when Levesque put in his second goal of the game, off of another nice assist from Courtiol.

Kmetz again almost kept the puck out of his cage, but for the third time, it just barely crawled in. Two of the three goals never even made it to the back of the net, but they were still as good as gold, and the Old Dawgs held a precarious 3-1 advantage heading to the final stanza.

During the regular season, the Old Dawgs had lost several two goal leads in the third period, and usually for two reasons. First, instead of concentrating on defense and protecting the lead, they would continue to pinch in the offensive zone, resulting in being outnumbered in their own end. It wouldn't be fair to mention who did that most of the time.

But his initials are: Tito Pijanowski

"Holy shit...I play defense?"

And second, there was this guy:

Sterner, doing what he does best: looking behind him

But when it came to the final game, and having a chance to win a championship, the boys played good, solid hockey. Again, Touchstone had several periods where they controlled play in the Dawgs' zone, but the puck stayed to the outside most of the time, and Sterner only had to deal with five shots. Again, forwards Levesque and Chamberlin were terrific, both ignoring offense most of the time in order to have another defensive player available in the back.

And when Touchstone pulled Kmetz in favor of an extra attacker with a minute remaining, Levesque completed his hat trick, nudging the puck over the line from a bad angle with four ticks left on the clock. It was Levesque's seventh goal of the playoffs, and even more impressive considering he is, you know, French.

So the Old Dawgs bring a trophy home to The Nation, keeping the title streak alive. The SDOHL will have a little different format this summer, with all players entering a draft, so the Dawgs might be broken up a bit. But next fall, the "sporty and mostly shorty over-40" will reunite to defend their championship, and try their best not to break a hip in the process.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs teammates and brothers-in-law Bern Levesque and Chris Courtiol celebrate after the big game with a very awkward man-hug. They are both exceptionally happy because it's the first time The French have ever won anything.

Yikes...

It took some effort, but Tito Pijanowski found a way to make himself look even less intelligent than usual.

Polacks: They're fun to watch

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson prepares to celebrate the Old Dawgs' victory in his own very special way:

Guys-who wants to check Cappy's oil? Guys?

Six Dawgs Take the Tattoo Plunge

2011-04-19T11:05:00.022-06:00

After looking at this photo, you may be asking yourself, "Holy shit, are they bringing back the Village People?", or "Do they not have the sun where these guys are from? Or maybe "Why is that kid on the left taking a piss in the corner?"

All are good and legitimate questions. But no, there are no plans for the new Village People (if only it were true). These six, pasty white doughy fellows decided to be the first members of Dawg Nation to make it official with a team logo tattoo.

Last Saturday night, they all gathered in the tattoo capitol of Northern Colorado, Longmont, and journeyed together to a parlor that has undergone several name changes. First, it was "Tat's Incredible!", but later switched to "Tats and Ass!".

Recently, though, they reopened under new management, and it is now called, "I Thought I Saw a Pussy Tat!"

So these six brave soldiers, sporting a combined IQ of around 135, took the needle and thus took Dawg Nation to an entirely new level.

Let's just introduce they cast, shall we? First, it's the team of Danny Packard and his dad, "Superfan" Rob Packard.

Rob is a Dawg Nation Hockey Foundation board member, and the guy most often in the stands watching Dawgs games. He received the first tattoo of his life, after getting a reluctant okay from his beautiful wife Kelli. Kelli reasoned that it would make things easier when she and Rob play "The Hell's Angel and the naughty biker chick" on Saturday nights. In case you were wondering, Rob plays the role of the biker chick.

Danny is one of the inspirations for our charitable foundation, kicking the ass of thyroid cancer in the past year. He decided to get his Dawgs logo on his ribs, reasoning that he's been married since last August, and nothing could possibly be more painful than that. From all reports, it was close.

Tito Pijanowski is another Dawgs board member, and has recently taken to trimming his hair and mustache to look like Freddie Mercury from Queen. He also plays defense like, well, Freddie Mercury from Queen. He's hoping not to die the same way Freddie did, but at this point, it's not completely out of the question.

Fun fact: Tito thinks "Dawg" is spelled correctly

Nathaniel Akell is one of the younger members of Dawg Nation, and is the second funniest. This good natured hemp aficianado received his tattoo below his bicep, which he proudly shows off in this picture.

What Akell didn't take into account, is that in twenty years gravity and age will kick in. Then, because of the sag factor, it will appear that the Dawg is constantly going for a walk. Best of luck with that, Nate.

Akell was also the only Dawg in the group with previous tattoo experience, receiving one a few years ago that is both stylish and informative.

Josh Adams was the youngest Dawg to receive a tattoo, and failed to inform his parents that he would be changing his body forever. He will now be grounded for one month, and will not be able to play Call of Duty: Don't Ask/Don't Tell with his friends.

Josh received his Dawg logo on his shoulder blade, as shown here:

But it was later discovered that the real reason for the location was to give this guy something to look at during "boom boom time".

The poor kid will never be able to fart again...

And finally, Dawg Nation founder, president, and former pogo pumper Marty Richardson made good on his promise from two years ago, when Dawgs I won their first championship. The delay was that he was actually considering several other designs to be his first tattoo:

But once he finally settled on the standard, terrific Dawgs logo, there was only one other question. Could he find at least five other people stupid enough to join him? As was shown in the hugely successful Dawg Bowl I tournament, his powers of persuasion are like no other. The guy could sell beach houses in Japan.

Too soon? Nah...

He also brought his wife Cindy and two of his lovely daughters for moral support. But they spent most of the evening lamenting at how difficult it is to live under the same roof with such a complete tool.

"No, kids, Dad wasn't always a douche. Just for the past fifteen years or so..."

So the moment came. Marty peeled off the flannel shirt he was wearing from the Ellen DeGeneres collection, and revealed a muscle shirt that he must have borrowed from Mickey Rourke for the weekend. Then, after roughly a half hour of sobbing, and pleading for tattoo artist Dean Paget to "make the ouchie stop", Marty displayed his ink.

You just can't help but be intimidated by that sight

So here again are the first six to make the lifetime commitment to Dawg Nation, along with their artist:

Jesus H. tap dancin' Christ...

They are a very diverse group. Some are young, and some are old. Some are gay, and some could go either way. Some are white, and some are really white. At least one is a big old Polack. Some should never be seen without a shirt, and...no, they all should never be seen without a shirt.

But if they weren't before, they will now always be a band of brothers. They now have a permanent momento of the growing entity that is Dawg Nation.

Players My Age Can Be Dickheads? Who Knew?

2011-04-06T23:53:00.022-06:00

(Writer's note. Sorry I haven't written much lately- between helping run our huge Dawgs charity hockey tournament, which ate up many, many hours, and having four kids in sports this spring (coaching three of those teams, by the way), I just haven't had a lot of extra energy. Things should be slowing a bit now- I'll get back to writing some regular articles. Honestly, I had no idea so many of you guys gave a shit. Thanks for the emails- nice to know more than a couple of you are supporting my habit.)

So this winter, I did something I promised myself I would never do. I played in an over-40 hockey league. I always said that when I got too old to play at a decent level with the kids (that's under 40, by the way), I would just hang 'em up. No old man leagues for me, brother.

Well boys and girls, I went back on that promise this year. Sort of. While I'm still playing with the youngsters on Tuesdays, and twice a week at a lunchtime pickup game, I'm now spending my Thursday nights patrolling the crease for the Old Dawgs in the Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League, or SDOHL.

Why did I change my mind? I decided to play because a bunch of the older players from two of our Dawgs teams, who all happen to be great guys and some of my best friends, asked me to join the squad. It certainly wasn't because of the quality of the hockey. The hockey is what the Hispanics refer to as no bueno. But I thought it would be fun to hang with fellas my own age for a change.

Turns out I was right. I've had a terrific time this season, and there's another reason beside spending time with my friends, drinking beer and swapping bad jokes. We have some guys on the team that have never played hockey before, and it was sort of on their "bucket list". And the enthusiasm these boys bring every week is really contageous. We've had a couple of fellas, both well into their 40's that scored their first ever goal, and were jumping around the ice like little kids. We all have bullshit and responsibilities in our lives- anything that causes a reaction like that and makes us forget our problems for a couple of hours a week is okay in my book.

I've also had another revelation this season, and it's been very surprising. When I joined the old man league, I was assuming that the other players were just like me. Just getting some exercise, and shooting the shit after the games. Very social- that's how the league was advertised. Just having some senior age fun on a Thursday night, right?

Uh, wrong. There are an alarming number of players in this league that are complete fuckheads. Way, way too chippy and competitive for this level of hockey. And to me, this is quite shocking.

When I play with the kids on Tuesday nights (and they really are kids, many like 18-25), they treat me very well. I'm assuming it's because I'm the same age as their dads, but if I make a good save, they'll almost always tap me on the pads and tell me so. And very rarely will they ever dig at my pads or glove after the whistle (or even before the whistle) when I have the puck covered up. Therefore, I never hack them, even if they're crowding my crease a bit. It's kind of a mutual respect thing.

Whole different story in the old fart league. I can't tell you how many times this season that guys have banged my glove, and hammered my pads when there is no sign of the puck. A couple have even skated up and sprayed me with snow after the whistle. For you hockey gringos out there, that's a major sign of disrespect, and twenty years ago they'd be skating back to the bench with my Sherwood goalie stick shoved up their ass. Now I just laugh- actually the snow feels good, because I sweat like Kirstie Alley on Dancing With the Stars.

I think sometimes it's unintentional. A few weeks ago, I stopped a shot, and had the puck covered between my pads. After the whistle blew for a faceoff, a guy on the other team started digging between my legs with his stick. Then about five seconds later, he emerged with the puck, and I believe one of my nuts, and shot both into the net.

Of course, I sprang up (more like struggled up-can't spring very well anymore), got in his face, and yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?" He looked at me with this very surprised expression, and said, "I'm sorry- I never heard a whistle". I took a good look at the guy- he was about 119 years old, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I just skated back to my crease and chuckled to myself. One of the drawbacks of the over 40 league? Some of these old fuckers are deaf.

Now, there is nobody in this world more competitive than I am. I fuckin' hate to lose- I really do. Whether it's pickup hockey, or a championship game, I've said it a thousand times. I die just a little bit every time the puck goes into my net. But in an old fart league that's set up to be social? Even I can draw that line.

That's not the case with some of these boners. A couple of weeks ago, we were playing a team in the early stages of the playoffs, and this jagoff hacked my glove after the whistle three separate times in the first period. The ref finally called him for slashing, and the shit weasel actually had the balls to look surprised on his way to the box.

Then when we finally beat them 6-4 in a very good game, he wouldn't shake anybody's hand in the line after the final buzzer. He just slapped all our guys' hands and didn't look at us when he did it. As the teams skated off the ice, I pulled up alongside him and said, "This is the over 40, not the Stanley Cup. Why are you such a cocksucker? What are you, 50? Grow the fuck up."

He told me to go fuck myself. Hell, if I could do that, I wouldn't need to play hockey. I'd never leave the house.

But the worst ones are the guys that show up just to take cheap shots. And there was at least one on every team we played against this season. They'd wait until the puck went into the corner, and then plow into one of our guys against the boards. They'd happily take the two minute penalty, and then would do it again later if they got the chance.

Or maybe, when one of our guys was carrying the puck, they would slash that part of the wrist that's exposed between the glove and the arm pad. I can't tell you how many times there would be a Dawg with a big lump on his arm in the locker room after the game.

I was completely dumbfounded by this. Holy cow, we all have to get up and go to work the next day. We have to worry about some peckerhead trying to send us to the E.R. in an old man league? Are you shittin' me?

So now I know. I expected immaturity from the kids, and they play like grownups. Then I expected maturity from the old farts, and a bunch of them acted like fuckin' punks. It makes no sense to me at all.

But it does make me wonder what has happened to these bungholes. Has their life been that big of a disappointment, so that the only thing that makes them feel better about themselves is to hurt somebody in a low level, over 40 beer league?

Here's my advice: go find a different hobby, you pieces of shit, like cockfighting or something. Whatever- just stay away from us old warriors. We're trying to enjoy ourselves while we still can.

And you're fucking it up.

Why Hockey Is Great, and Basketball Sucks

2011-02-22T15:57:00.018-07:00

I live in the Denver area, so for the past six months, I've had to endure the saga of Carmelo Anthony almost every day. And it's been especially bad lately, dominating our sports pages before mercifully he finally got traded to the New York Knicks.

If there's a basketball God, Melo won't win a championship in New York. He doesn't deserve one, because he doesn't concern himself with defense, and he's not a team player. I hope it all goes to hell in a handbasket-I don't have time for gifted players with no character. I'm just glad it's over, and I don't have to hear about it any more.

To be honest though, even if he would have done us a big old favor by staying and reluctantly signing that 65 million dollar contract, I still wouldn't have given three shits. Why? Well, mainly because I think he's an arrogant fuckhead, and I wouldn't piss down his throat if his heart was on fire. But also because basketball is a bad game, especially in the NBA, and goes against everything that is great about sports. I watch basketball once a year, and that's only when the college tournament starts, and I waste $10 filling out a bracket. Because I have what's called a "Gamblin' Jones".

Kids, I submit that hockey is a lot better game than basketball. And I know what you're going to say. "But SFG, basketball is much more popular. Hell, more people watch poker than hockey. You're obviously a dipshit". Fair enough, but in the future, please try not to confuse me with logic. And I'm not a dipshit.

If you'll allow, I'd like to make a case why hockey is better. After you read this, please feel free to throw in a comment at the end, either telling me I'm right, or I'm full of crap.

1. Speed- Hockey is absolutely the fastest of all the major sports (and please don't tell me NASCAR is a major sport there, Zeke, or Dale, or Ricky, or whatever the fuck your name is). Players reach speeds of 20-25 miles per hour, which is right up there with how fast Usain Bolt ever ran the 100 meters. They can shoot pucks at over 100 MPH, which makes it kind of fascinating why assholes like me would ever stand in front of that on purpose. But that's a whole other article.

Now, combine that skating speed with: a) the fact that they're in a pretty enclosed area, and b) there are boys going approximately the same speed trying to knock their fucking head off their shoulders, and you have the potential for some pretty good wrecks. And wrecks are a good thing, right Zeke?

Unfortunately. that very thing that makes it better actually hurts the popularity of the sport. Because the puck moves so fast, they haven't found a way to follow it yet on television, even with HD. I think that's the most common objection I've heard, and it's a fair point. If technology ever catches up, I think the game will grow by leaps and bounds.

(Writer's note- Remember when Fox tried the "glow puck" back in the nineties, and it would have that red flame coming off of it after a slap shot? Goddamn, that was a bad idea. Right up there with Teen Mom and ever allowing Dane Cook to tell a joke. What a queef that guy is.)

2. Watching the game live- Boys and girls, it isn't even close. At a basketball game, things don't get exciting until there are about two minutes left. Until then, you can go get a beer, grab a bite to eat, or go read the paper while taking a life changing, half hour crap. You aren't going to miss anything except the twentieth monster dunk of the night, because those jagoffs don't play any defense.

At a hockey game, you don't dare leave your seat until the end of the period. If you do, you could miss a goal, which is an event compared to basketball. There are around a hundred baskets made every night in the NBA, but maybe four or five goals in the NHL. Scoring goals is very difficult, so you really need to stay and watch so you don't miss anything. Not to mention all the other things hockey has, like great passing, acrobatic saves, huge hits, and of course, fighting.

Speaking of which...

3. The fights- Come on, don't act all indignant and shit, you know you fuckin' love the fights. What other team sport in the world lets two guys hook like a sonofabitch for 30 seconds or a minute, and then five minutes later, they're back playing like nothing ever happened?

People are always screaming about how fighting should be banned from hockey. I say bullshit. Fighting is a necessary way for players to police themselves, and keeps them from retaliating more with their sticks. That's when you can really hurt a guy.

And here are the cool parts about it. First, they never let a fight happen if there is too much of a size difference between the players. If a big guy is matched up with a little guy, the refs either break it up straightaway, or the big boy just skates away and waits for someone his own size to fight.

Second, when a player starts to gain an advantage, and he has the other guy either at his mercy or down on the ice, he'll just stop fighting and skate to the penalty box. There is absolutely a code to fighting in hockey- they all know that sometimes it's their job, but when they win the fight, they don't pummel the loser, they just let him go and skate away. Normal people might think the players are a bunch of thugs, but there is real honor in that.

And every once in a blue moon, a couple of goalies will square off, and that always makes for some real fun. Unless you're Timmy Thomas (see the clip below this article).

On the other hand, have you ever seen a basketball fight? I think it's because the players are so tall and their arms are so long, but it always turns into an open handed, bitch-slap fest, with guys swinging wildly like a whirling dervish. Or they'll sucker punch a guy, and then run away like a pussy, like my pal Carmelo did in New York a couple of years ago.

Hockey players never do that. When they throw a punch, they stick around and own it.

4. Trash talk and taunting- Basketball players are good at talkin' shit- no doubt about it. It's just part of the game's culture. But you know what? It gets old after a while. How often are you watching Sportscenter, and see a player dunk over his opponent, and then just glare at him, or yell something like, "What's my name, bitch!"

They do this because they know that clip will get them on Sportscenter. That program is maybe the best and worst thing that has ever happened in our sports culture. It's terrific being able to get sports news 24 hours a day, but it's also been a Pandora's Box for bad behavior.

I'll tell you what- if a hockey player ever scored, and then went back to the goalie and said something like that, I guarantee you that he'd be playing the rest of the game with at least three sticks stuffed up his ass. Like I said, they police themselves, and the game is better off for it.

5. Teamwork- Hockey, in my opinion, is the ultimate team game. A group of five guys busting their ass and working together on the ice can a lot of times outperform a team of higher caliber players (see:1980 Winter Olympics). One hockey player cannot carry an entire team by himself because a) nobody has been able to skate through all five guy since Bobby Orr in the 60's, and b)even the best players are only on the ice for about a third of the game.

You may ask, "What about Wayne Gretzky?". As great as Gretzky was, and for all the goals he scored, he never would have won one Stanley Cup, much less four, without the likes of Mark Messier, Jari Curry and the goaltending of Grant Fuhr. Edmonton won a cup after Gretzky moved to Los Angeles, because they still had most of their group together, and they were one hell of a team.

By contrast, look at what's happened to the Cleveland Cavaliers this season because LeBron made his "decision" to "take his talents to South Beach" (maybe the biggest cocksucker move ever). They set a team sports record for consecutive losses, and are currently the worst team in the league. This is one year after they had the best record in the league. That would never, ever happen in hockey.

Basketball, especially now in the NBA, has become a game of isolation. The scorer gets the ball, his four teammates take their defenders off to the side, and they play one on one. Passing has become almost a thing of the past. There is only one team that plays unselfish, team ball, and that is the San Antonio Spurs. Oh, they have the best record in the league, in case you were wondering. Can you name two players on that team? Didn't think so. Team play isn't very sexy.

That's what the NBA has become.

6. Character- Okay, here's the biggest thing for me. The main reason I can't stand to watch the NBA anymore is because how the players conduct themselves on the court. Too many act like a bunch of punks, and are just horrible role models for kids. Ron Artest wades into the crowd in Detroit and attacks a fan who threw ice at him (he got the wrong fan, by the way). Gilbert Arenas pulls a loaded gun on a teammate in the locker room over a gambling debt. The list goes on and on.

And the selfishness in basketball is overwhelming. Here's a good example- I hate to pick on my man Carmelo again (well, no I don't), but the other night in his Knick debut, he scored 27 points. Great night, right? He got those points by going 10 of 25 from the field. With one lousy assist. The rest of the entire team took 55 shots. That was a regular thing while he was here in Denver. It's like that all over the league. The good players are going to take most of the shots, and it doesn't really matter whether they're having a bad night or not.

Hockey is an entirely different story. You hear all the time from journalists how hockey players are the nicest, most accommodating guys in sports. I think it's partly because so many of these boys come from small towns, and partly because so many are raised in good, solid family units.

Last season, I got to coach on my kid's team, and we played against Joe Sakic's kid in the playoffs. He was an assistant coach as well. We scored with less than a second left in double overtime, and knocked his team out of the playoffs. In the handshake line after the game, he could not have been nicer to our kids, and all of our coaches. All class- I'll never forget that.

But the biggest thing is the culture of the game itself. One player cannot do it all by himself, while the others stand on the side and watch. Every phase of the game has to be good for a team to be successful. A decent example is Roberto Luongo, who might be the best goalie in the world right now. He's easily in the top three. A few years ago, he played for the Florida Panthers, and they lost a lot more than they won. Now he plays for Vancouver, and they have one of the best records in the league. Is Luongo better now than he was then? Nope. He's just surrounded by a better team.

Next time you watch an NBA game, look what happens when a player makes a big shot. More often than not, you'll see them beating on their chest, mugging for a camera, or doing that bullshit thing where they pop their jersey. When a hockey player scores a goal, the first thing he almost always does is point at the guy who passed him the puck. Maybe it's just me, but I find that a lot more appealing to watch.

And I swear to God this isn't a white/black thing. There are some good guys in the NBA, like Chauncey Billups and Tim Duncan, and there are some assholes in the NHL, like Sean Avery and Todd Bertuzzi. Avery is a complete waste of flesh, and Bertuzzi should still be in the slammer for almost killing Steve Moore and ending his career. Race has absolutely nothing to do with it. You're either a dick or you're not.

So anyway, that's my case. Like I said earlier, I'm apparently in the minority, because lots more people watch basketball than hockey. Ratings are up, and highlights dominate ESPN every night.

But you know what? I don't think I'm wrong.

My Man Tim Thomas Sort Of Fights Carey Price

2011-02-13T12:01:00.003-07:00

I love Tim Thomas- he's the NHL version of me- old, short, and chubby. Except he has, you know, ability, and I flop around like a drunk walrus. But other than the ability thing, we're kindred spirits.

I've never had a fight as a goalie (way too old now-I'd break a hip). But if I did, I would imagine that it would go something like this. Looks like Timmy went to the Don Zimmer School of Fighting. I have to believe it was at around the 20 second mark of this clip that Thomas realized that this was a very bad idea.

Price was actually pretty cool for not hammering Timmy when he had the chance. I guess it would feel like beating up your dad. Sure, it would feel great at the time, but it would always be awkward at Thanksgiving.

The Seven Stages of an Ass Kicking

2011-02-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this a couple of years ago after a particularly bad game, and I just came back upon it while I was going through some archives. If you new readers hadn't seen this before, especially my fellow goalies, you might get a yuck or two out of it.)

I understand that when people have a terminal illness, they go through seven stages before they finally get the big game misconduct from God, and head up to the penalty box in the sky. I never really understood that concept until my hockey game Thursday night.

You see, your little pal likes to think that he can still play goalie at a decent level, even at the advanced age of 49. One of the leagues I play in is the “B” league in Lafayette, featuring several players that competed in college. Good, fast skate.

Last season, I was lucky enough to lead that league with a 2.7 goals against average, of course with the help of a very good defense. In the NHL, the goalie leader wins a trophy called the Vezina, named after former player Georges Vezina. In Lafayette, the players jokingly say the top goalie should win the Vagina award, because we're all a bunch of pussies.

I think they're joking.

Call the sumbitch whatever you want. I won it in a good league where the other goalies were much, much younger, and I'm proud of that. I can only imagine what the Vagina Trophy looks like. Probably somebody that's French. Goddamn, I hate the French.

Anyway, when we started a new season last Thursday, I had no reason to believe things would be that much different. We lost a few key players from last season, but our team has been together for awhile, so we could certainly overcome that, right?

We played a team called Damaged Goods, whom we pretty much owned last go-around. But before the start of the game, I looked over at the other side of the ice, and noticed that most of that team had changed, and had gotten much younger.

No worries- we’d use our experience and cunning to give these kids a hockey lesson.

Well, it turns out that some of these new boys also play on the club team at the University of Colorado, and were looking for a place to get some extra ice time. I knew after approximately two minutes that this was going to be a long night.

Would you consider losing 11-1 a long night? Yeah, me too. I actually heard my goals against average explode in the middle of the second period. During that agonizing hour and a half, I believe I experienced those seven stages that everyone talks about. I’ll try to describe them, in order, without getting tears all over my keyboard:

Stage one: Shock

From the opening drop of the puck, those boys were all over us like a second date. We had several players missing for the game, and were down to 10 skaters, versus the usual 13. Not good.

I looked at their three starting forwards, and I’m sure that if you combined their ages, they were still younger than me. Once again, not good.

I pulled a save out my ass early to keep them off the board, but it was clear that it wasn’t a matter of if they were going to score, but when, and how many. About five minutes in, a shot bounced off our player and right onto one of their sticks, and he put it in. Two minutes later, they shot one right between my defenseman’s leg that I never saw, and it was 2-0. I played fairly well the rest of the period, but they still got two more, and it was 4-0 after one.

The shock part was that I hadn’t given up four goals in an entire game in this league since last October. Welcome to the new season, son.

Stage two- Denial

At the end of the period, I actually said, “They’re not that good, boys. Let’s stop chasing them around, and play a little smarter, and we can get right back in this thing”. We’re talkin’ about denial here, kids. I couldn't even keep a straight face when I said it.

It took them five minutes of the second period to build the lead up to 6-0. It was at this point that we came to our next stage, which is…

Stage three- Bargaining

For the first time in forever, I was looking at giving up double figures in goals. As a goalie, you’ll do almost anything so that second digit doesn’t go up on the board.

I really started encouraging the rest of my team, because I could see them losing interest quickly. Have you ever heard that when a dog is humping your leg, you should just let him finish, and he’ll leave you alone? You haven’t? Anyway, that’s where we were. Just like me, they wanted to get it over with, wipe the spooge off their leg, and get to the part with the beer in the locker room.

But I still had three goals to play with to stay below 10, so I was doing everything I could to get them to buy into trying hard for me.

Stage four- Guilt

I was trying my best, but the goals kept coming, climaxing with the ultimate sucker punch, their eighth with four seconds left in the second period. I went to the bench, and tried to appeal to the pride of my mates; the guys I’ve been playing with for seven years.

“Boys, you know how much crap we’re going to take if they score 10 goals on us? Let’s try to save some respect here, fellas”.

One of the guys said, “Al, they’ll be laughing at you. I can live with that”.

At that point I realized that I play with a bunch of dickheads. Seems like I would have noticed that by now.

So much for stage four. The lesson here- you can’t make a hockey player feel guilty. Let’s just move on…

Stage five- Anger

I got through the first eight minutes of the third with no goals, and was starting to think that I was going to make it. Then I looked up when the puck was in the other end for a change and noticed that one their kids was “cherry picking”.

For those of you that don’t know, cherry picking is when a player will completely disregard playing defense, and move way forward, hoping to get a long pass out of the zone, resulting in a breakaway. It’s a bullshit way to play hockey, and really bullshit when your team has an eight goal lead. It’s the same thing as stealing bases with a big lead in baseball. You just don’t do it- it shows no class.

I had a brief word with him when he came to my side of the ice.

Me- “Are you really cherry picking with an eight goal lead?”

Punk Ass- “I’m trying to get my hat trick. No offense, dude.”

Me- “None taken, dude. Oh, just one more thing, sonny. If you do it again, I’m not even going to try and stop the shot. I’m going to skate out and tomahawk your motherfucking knees with my stick. Thought you might want to know that.”

I lifted my helmet so that he could see my eyes when I told him. He knew I meant it, and he didn’t do it again.

Like I always say to my wife- kick my ass, but don’t embarrass me.

Stage six- Depression

The ninth goal came with ten minutes left, and then two minutes later, a guy took a shot from a bad angle that squeezed in between my skate and the near post. Goal number 10 just had to be completely my fault, didn’t it? It wouldn’t have been a perfect night otherwise.

And there it was. Ten goals. All of a sudden, I felt like I couldn’t hang with the kids anymore, even though I was playing in the league championship game and winning the Vagina less than a month ago. Now, I felt like I was…almost 50.

I haven’t really thought about how much time I have left playing hockey. I’ve always said that I want to play until I’m 50, and we’ll see where we are at that point. Both knees are shot to hell, and I have a torn rotator cuff. I keep a barrel full of Advil in the trunk of my car. But I still have one good shoulder, and these wits. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

I always promised myself that if I suck, I’m hanging ‘em up. I’m way too competitive to keep playing if I can’t cut the mustard. No old-man leagues for me, either. I like playing with and against the kids, you know, like 35.

(Writer's note: It's three years later, and I'm playing in an old man league. Way to stick by your convictions, Al.)

Plus, because I waited until I was old to start having children, I have to somehow stay active so that they don’t have to wheel me in to their high school graduation ceremony. Haven't been mistaken for my kids' grandpa yet- don't want that to happen if I can avoid it.

Stage seven- Acceptance and Hope

After goal 11, I actually played pretty tough the rest of the way, and when the final buzzer sounded, the kids finally stopped humping my leg. The referee, who’s a friend of mine, skated up to me and said, “Why didn’t you play this well earlier? You might have held them to eight.” Some friend, eh? What an asshole...

I checked with the scorekeeper after the game, and it turns out we were outshot 49-20. I guess that would partially explain the carnage, and why my heart was beating like a rabbit until three in the morning.

The next day, I got back on the horse and played my usual Friday lunchtime pickup game. After enduring no end of shit from the lads in the locker room for my performance the night before, I went out and played fairly well.

It gave me hope.

I hope I can make it across the border.

I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand.

I hope the Pacific Ocean is as blue as it has been in my dreams.

Wait…that’s Shawshank Redemption. Here’s what I really hope (still try to imagine Morgan Freeman’s voice for this- it’s pretty cool):

I hope that it was just a bad night, and I haven’t turned into a giant block of Swiss cheese. (Because Swiss cheese has a bunch of holes in it. Old goalie joke. Try to keep up.)

I hope that I have a little more time left playing the game, because I love playing it so much.

I hope I never have to look up at the scoreboard and see the number 11 ever again.

I hope…

COME PLAY IN DAWG BOWL I

2011-02-06T00:21:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge

I know there are a bunch of men's league hockey players that read this crap, because I get emails from all over the country. I design a lot of my articles for the beer league in general, and my Dawgs teams in particular. It's amazing how many of you guys out there relate to the stories, especially the goalies. I've discovered that I'm not the only broken down old fart trying to hang onto his youth, and honestly, it's nice to know I have company.

Well, if you play here in the Denver area, and I guess even if you don't, we'd like to invite you all to our first ever adult men's tournament, being held the weekend of April 1-4 at the Edge Ice Arena in Littleton, Colorado.

We're calling it Dawg Bowl I, and we'll be hosting 24 teams in four different divisions. The fees are going to be better than any adult tournament in Colorado, and all proceeds will go to a special charity that we've just recently set up. I'll tell you all about that in a minute.

If you sign up before the end of February, the cost of the event will only be $800 ($850 after that). Compare that to other tourneys, which normally run over $1000 for the same amount of games. Hell, those of you that have ever played in Las Vegas know that you can pay up to $1800, so this is a rockin' deal.

Now, if you will just give me a minute, I'll tell you why you should enter:

1) There will be a division you can play in. We're going to have four different brackets- Novice (E level/beginning teams), Bronze (Lower C/D level), Silver (high C/lower B), and Gold (A and high B levels).

We're setting that Gold bracket up for a very hot skate, so make sure you know we're talking about former junior league players and that type of level. The reason we included "High B" is that in some areas like Superior and The Edge arenas here in town, the B is the best skate, and they can certainly hang in that division.

2) Three game guarantee. Each division will have three games of pool play, and the top two teams will face off Sunday for all the marbles and a very cool trophy that we've designed.

3) Silent auction- The Colorado Avalanche and others have come on board with us, and we already have some items that we're planning to silently auction off during the weekend. They include everything from a laptop computer, a signed Adam Foote Canadian Olympic jersey, a stick signed by the entire 2010 Avalanche team, and even a helmet signed by one of the best players on Earth, none other than "The Great 8"- Alex Ovechkin.

4) Food and Drink- The Breckenridge Brewery here in town has graciously supplied beer for us, and we will be selling it for charitable contributions during the entire weekend. Also, we will be grilling up hamburgers, hot dogs, and brats, along with other food items, so you can stop by before or after your games for some terrific and inexpensive food. One thing for sure about us old farts- we know how to barbeque.

5) The Edge Ice Arena- The Edge is one of the nicest places to play in the Denver area- two sheets of ice, big locker rooms, lots of seating for all your fans, plenty of parking, and a beautiful view of the mountains.

6) Our charity- Pay attention now-here's the best part. Every dime of the proceeds from the entry fees, auctions, beverages and food goes to the new charity set up by Dawg Nation. We've recently come across some guys that play adult hockey that have either hurt themselves badly in games, or have gotten seriously ill and need help with their medical bills. Our foundation was set up to give a hand to our hockey playing brothers and sisters, hopefully lightening their load a bit as they recover.

A good example of one of the guys we're going to help is a player named Dennis, who shattered his ankle going into the boards in an Over 40 game. He had surgery to put everything back together, but caught an infection during the surgery. He's had to have several other operations, but the effects of the infection have remained. Bottom line is that he has to have one more surgery, but it's a coin flip right now as to whether he gets to keep the leg or not. He's a good guy- just the kind of person we want to help with our foundation.

Kids, there is not another adult tournament I know that is set up so that 100% of the net goes to charity. So many tournaments say "a portion" of the proceeds go to a cause, but it ends up being like 5%. Not one of our board members or volunteers is taking a cent for the hundreds of hours an event like this requires.

So not only do you get to play great hockey at a good price, but you'll be doing a nice thing for your fellow player. I can't sell it any better than that.

Like I said earlier, I have a bunch of readers from outside Denver, and if your team would like to make a road trip, we'd love to have you here in town. There are several hotels close to the arena, and there is absolutely nothing like Denver in the spring. In fact, the Colorado Rockies team will be opening their season here the same weekend, so you could make it one hell of a hockey/baseball trip.

Dawg Nation now has their own website, and here is the link to where you can sign up for the tournament.

https://sites.google.com/site/dawgnationhockey/hockey-tournament

Oh, and if you're not a hockey player but would still like to contribute auction items or a couple of bucks, we will absolutely take it. Our biggest expenses will be ice time and referees, so anything that would put a dent in that and push more money to the bottom line would be greatly appreciated.

If you have any questions at all, please shoot me an email at sfg35@comcast.net. We only have room for 24 teams, and we're already getting a huge response, so please sign up quickly in order to assure your spot. We're going to work hard to guarantee that you have a great experience, and also to make sure you come back next year for Dawg Bowl II.

Thanks from the entire Dawg Nation family, and we'll see you in April!

Coyotes Howl After Old Dawgs 6-0 Win

2011-02-02T16:06:00.012-07:00

There has started to be some grumbling among the other teams in the SDOHL that the Old Dawgs are too stacked and too good for the rest of the league. This is despite the fact that they were barely over .500 after seven games, and two weeks ago they were handily beaten 5-1 by the Touchstone squad. Every week, league director John Ling keeps hearing complaints.

You know what might help even things up? How's about showing up with more than nine skaters? That would almost certainly narrow the odds. Until then, perhaps they should shut the fuck up.

But that is exactly what happened last Thursday night. The Coyotes could only field less than two full lines, made no effort to acquire substitutes before the game, and subsequently got what they deserved, easily going down to an almost full Dawgs side, 6-0.

Defenseman only in his fantasies Tito Pijanowski continues to tear up the SDOHL, this week scoring a hat trick to build his season total to 20 goals. Team captain and former spooge dumpster Marty Richardson notched his sixth, and the French were well represented this week as Bernie Levesque also banged in his 20th and unbelievably added an assist, while his brother in law Chris Courtiol slapped in his fourth, and shocked his teammates by avoiding a misconduct penalty.

Courtiol

The two teams had played twice earlier in the season, and both games were as close as you could get. On October 28, the Coyotes prevailed in a shootout, 4-3, and then on December 9th, it was the Old Dawgs turn to squeak out a shootout victory, this time by a 5-4 margin.

Thursday night, things were way, way different. The Old Dawgs dominated the shorthanded Coyotes almost from the opening faceoff, outshooting their opponent by a 34-13 margin. Dawgs goalie Al Sterner picked up maybe the easiest shutout of his life, and the only time he was really worried about the other team scoring a goal was when a certain unnamed player was on the ice.

It's a crapshoot every shift

Pijanowski opened the scoring just a minute into the first period, when he took a pass from rookie Mike Wimmer, skated in using his patented "Polish Snowplow" move, and easily beat Coyotes goalie Ted Cetaruk. It was Wimmer's second assist since joining the team, as he shows vast improvement every week.

Polish Snowplow

Richardson doubled the Old Dawgs lead five minutes later after being set up on a breakaway by a nice feed from Rand Peterson. Richardson fought the usual urge to fire the puck right into Cetaruk's pads, deked to his right and tucked the puck low past the Coyote goalie. It was Peterson's fourth assist, to go along with his versatility of being able to play both forward and defense.

So the Old Dawgs headed to the second leading 2-0, with Sterner courageously stopping all three shots that came his way in the opening period. The lead quickly became three, as Pijanowski knocked in his second of the game, a power play goal at around the three minute mark. Levesque made it 4-0 and game over in the eleventh minute, with the assists going to Richardson and linemate Dan Cashman.

The third period was pretty much a formality, because the Coyotes were completely exhausted. Halfway through the frame, Courtiol received a pass from Levesque, took just a moment to shake off the surprise that Levesque actually passed the puck, and then roofed one past Cetaruk to make it 5-0.

Pijanowski closed out the scoring with 30 seconds remaining, going on one of his patented end to end skates that will now be called "Oh, by the way... fuck you!". He cut across the net, and buried the puck past Cetaruk, thus assuring that the Coyotes would piss and moan right after the game.

The Old Dawgs are now nine points clear of the rest of the league, and will try to expand that lead this Thursday night when they take on B&K Supply. Game time is scheduled for 9:55, but will probably start sometime Friday morning. The last time the two team met, the Old Dawgs prevailed 7-6 despite the fact that their goalie Al Sterner forgot his skates, borrowed some and played the worst game in his 52 years on Earth. This week, he tied his skates around his testicles Wednesday night to remind himself to bring them to the game.

In other Old Dawgs news:

After years of hockey experience, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner finally found something he can do well. He can look look behind himself for the puck and creatively swear better than anyone currently playing the game.

"Monkey fucker!! Vaginal belch!!"

This week Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque finally appeared in a picture that made him look like a real hockey player.

Shooting off the wrong foot, but other than that...

This week Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks tried to impress the ladies with a sophisticated new look. But all they noticed was that Wilks' head is the same shape as an egg.

Better hide from the Easter Bunny, Wilksie

After his outstanding performance in the Dawgs' last game, Tito Pijanowski won the SDOHL award for "The Outstanding Polish Sort Of Defenseman Of The Week- With An IQ Less Than 60". All of Dawg Nation could not be more proud.

You the man, Tito...

2 Old To Play 2 Games

2011-01-07T13:57:00.009-07:00

For those of you new to this website, I play hockey with a terrific group of fellas, and we call ourselves Dawg Nation. Dawg Nation is comprised of four teams:

Young Dawgs- A group of kids, all in their teens and twenties, that play in a very high level league during the summer. Believe it or not, I don't get to play on that team. I know-it's an outrage.

Dawgs I- A fun combo of young and old, ranging anywhere from 19 to my old ass at 52. We play in the highest league offered at the Edge Ice Arena (B level at most places), and we're good and competitive. In fact, we won the whole shootin' match last year, and got to skate around with the Edge Cup, which for me was better than sex. Here I am after we won.

I dry humped it- nobody wanted to touch it after that

Dawgs II- A little older group of boys (almost all over 40), that play in the next level down. They've been very successful- they also won last season, which we called the Dawgs Double. I don't play on that one either- a great kid named Bryan patrols the crease for them.

Old Dawgs- We just started it this winter. It's an over 40 league, and the level of play is quite a bit slower than any of the others. But it's a really nice group of guys who just come out to get some exercise and hang out with dudes their own age. We combined a few old Dawgs I players, a lot of Dawgs II, and some new guys to make this squad up. I wasn't expecting much, but it's been a total kick in the ass so far. Not because of the actual hockey, but socially it's been great.

So we had an Old Dawgs game the other night, and I got a pretty good workout. You see, on both Dawgs teams that I play on, to put it mildly we don't actually put a ton of emphasis on defense. Our defensemen really enjoy skating deep into the offensive zone, which leaves us open for the counterattack, and can result in extra goals given up by your little pal.

I stopped worrying about that shit a long time ago. Sure, the competitive prick in me wishes that we would play it a little more conservatively sometimes, especially when we're trying to hold a lead late in the game. But that's just the way we roll, and all I can do is try my hardest to keep the puck out of my net. We have a lot of games that end up like 6-5.

So we ended up winning the Old Dawgs game 5-2, and I probably got around 30 shots for the game. Most of their chances were down low, so I stayed pretty busy, and was tired by the end. I'd like to think I put in a good night's work, and was ready to retire to the locker room, where we would drink some beers, laugh, fart and tell stories like only old people can.

However, just as I got off the ice, the captain of one of the teams from the next game approached. I've been playing long enough to know what was happening next: their goalie wasn't coming, and they needed somebody to play for them in ten minutes.

Fuck me.

The absolute last thing in the world I wanted to do was play another game. I hadn't slept well the night before, my knees were aching, and honestly, I wanted to drink a beer and bullshit with my friends. But I just couldn't let a team skate without a goalie- it would completely ruin the game for 30 guys, and I'd feel like a dickhead. So I reluctantly said okay.

I hadn't pulled a doubleheader in a long time, and I told the guys before the game not to expect a lot, because I was pretty worn out. One of them said, "Don't worry, none of our defensemen showed up tonight, so we're not expecting much at all."

Uh-oh...

I can see now why their goalie didn't show up. He probably discovered what kind of team he was going to have in front of him, and blew his fuckin' brains out rather than have to play that night.

Kids, it wasn't pretty. I started out fairly well, even though they spent most of the first ten minutes in our end. About halfway through the first, I got beat on a shot where I was completely screened. The bad part is that it was my guy doing the screening.

This happens all the time with guys that don't regularly play defense. They think the place to stand is directly in front of the goalie, and instead of challenging the shot, they just get in the way. I always yell, "Screen! Screen! Let me see it!", then after the puck goes in, they turn around and say, "Were you talking to me?". Why, yes. Yes I was, Bobby Orr.

Anyway, the flood gates pretty much opened after that, and we ended up losing 4-1. I played okay under the circumstances- the only fugly goal I let in was the last one, where I was just so tired that I let the puck get under my stick where it should have been an easy save. But the puck was in our end so much during the game, I think Roberto Luongo could have been the goalie, and they still would have lost. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

But your chubby little pal was one tired sumbitch afterwards. It was absolutely everything I could do to get my gear off and drive home. I tried to drink as much water as I could, but my calves kept cramping up, and I couldn't bend my fingers. I figured I was either dehydrated, or rigor mortis was setting in.

When I got home, I hung up my pads in the garage like I always do, and brought in my roll of clothes that I wear during the game, which includes a pair of sweatpants, socks, underwear (boxer briefs, so my cup doesn't chafe my taint meat) and an Under Armour shirt. When it's dry, the roll weighs maybe a pound.

That night it seemed heavier than usual. Just out of curiosity, I put the roll on the scale. It weighed seven pounds. Boys and girls, that's a whole lot of perspiration, tears and butt-gravy, even for a fat boy like me.

On the best days, I'm a walking question mark the morning after I play. It takes a little time and Advil to loosen up the old back and other parts. But the morning after the doubleheader, I could barely move. Not only was I walking like Quasimodo, both knees were killing me, and my calves were still cramping. It wasn't my favorite Friday morning.

So what did we learn? Well, I think it's finally time to admit that I can't play two games in a row anymore. I have an hour and a half in me, and that's about all there is. Three hours of hockey just isn't going to work. My brain might be saying, "Come on, body- we can do this!", but my body is now saying, "Uh, brain, how's about you go somewhere and fuck yourself?". It's time to listen to my body, even if it uses abusive language.

So I'm done with doubleheaders.

Of course, until the next time someone gets in a pinch. Then I'll play, because, you know, I'm an idiot.

Forget Your Equipment-Pay the Price

2010-12-21T23:25:00.007-07:00

Last week I had a game in one of the leagues I play in, and I was going to the arena right after my kid's practice. For those of you new to this site, I coach hockey to 13 and 14 year old boys. My kid Sam is also a goalie (God help him), and I've been coaching on his teams for the past nine seasons.

Obviously, nobody in our association knows about my hobby of writing the smut that you read here, otherwise I'd be out on my ass. So let's just keep that our little secret, okay? But I really enjoy coaching- most of the kids are terrific, and really want to learn the game. I'm getting too old to play this shit, but I can certainly still teach it.

Anyway, I got to the rink about twenty minutes before gametime, and discovered that I had left my goalie skates in my coaching bag. I live about a half hour away from the arena, so there was no way I could get home and back, or even call my adorable wife and ask her to bring them to me.

This usually happens about once a year. I'll either forget an an article of equipment, or something will fall out of my bag when I hang my stuff up in the garage to air out. Trust me- you don't want to be anywhere near my garage when my gear is in there, especially during the summer. It smells like the fuckin' monkey house at the zoo.

But this was twice in the past month that I had something important come up missing when I got to my game. Three weeks ago, it was my nut cup. I ended up borrowing one from a very hesitant teammate, promising that: a) I wouldn't wear it against my bare skin, and b) I would have it sandblasted before I gave it back to him. So I placed it on the outside of my sweatpants, and it ended up rolling around inside my breezers the whole game. Because it moved around so much, it actually spent more time covering my butthole than my fellas. I wasn't real worried about it- I have four kids and a vasectomy, so I don't have that much use for my gonads anymore.

Not having skates was a whole other animal, though. It's not like my teammates had an extra pair bouncing around in their bag, and even if they did, goalie skates are different than regular ones. For those of you who don't know, the blade is a lot longer, and there is a plastic shell on the outside of the boot to protect the foot if the puck hits the skate.

So what was I going to do? I went to the guy at the front counter, and asked without much hope if by any chance they had some goalie skates I could borrow. He said he thought maybe they had some in their equipment room, and I could go back and take a look.

It turned out unbelievably that they had two pairs back there. I hoped that one of the pairs was somewhere near my size. I wear an eight, which is pretty small for an adult. Oh, and you can just save the small foot/dick jokes, thank you very much. My wife assures me it's much more important what you do with it. She always stifles laughter and looks away when she says that, but still...

I checked out the first pair, and I think both of my feet could have fit inside one skate. Not good. I crossed my fingers, and went to the other pair. They were a lot closer, so I tried them on. They were still too big, but I thought if I tied them as tight as possible, I could make do. It was 15 minutes until game time- beggars can't be choosers, right?

So I went back to the locker room, and absorbed the requisite amount of shit from my teammates for leaving my skates in my other bag. After taking just a quick moment to show everyone my middle finger, I started strapping my gear on. The holes were different from mine between the skate blade and the bottom of the boot, so I had to thread the straps a little bit differently. No problem.

I stood up with my pads on, and my feet were moving around inside the skate a little bit, but I tightened them so much, it wasn't too bad. No problem.

Then after the Zamboni got off the ice, I set foot onto the surface for the five minute warmup before our game. I took that first stride, and my right skate slid out from under me, like I still had the skate guards on. Then I took a stride on the other foot, and the exact same thing happened. I went to my knees, reached back, and ran my finger over the blades, expecting to remove some tape or other debris that might have gotten on the edges. It was then that I discovered that neither skate had any inside edge. I couldn't have sliced fuckin' butter with either blade.

Now we had ourselves a little problem. It was five minutes to gametime, and I had no way to put my weight on the inside edges of my skates. And for those of you who know nothing about playing goalie, you spend an enormous amount of time on your inside edges. You need them to push off to move from side to side across the goal crease, and move off your goal line to cut the angle from a shooter.

I thought to myself, "Who the fuck uses these skates?". They were sitting next to a set of pads that were still wet, so they must have been worn pretty recently. I supposed that it must be some dude that plays the game a whole bunch differently than I do.

But I had no choice. I had to try and make do with what I had, because we were out of time, and I had no other options. I very gingerly went over to our bench and told my teammates the problem, and warned them to look out for anything because I could barely stand up. One of them said, "How will we know the difference from usual, Al?" I won't tell you what I said in response, but it involved asking him to wrap his lips around a certain part of my anatomy.

So I skated back to my crease, almost falling twice on the trip. I could feel it- this was going to be the longest hour and a half of my life. Even longer than when I watched The Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Aniston. Holy shit, was that a bad movie. But I digress...

Anyway, I've thought about it a lot, and it took awhile, but I finally figured the best way to describe how I looked during the game.

Imagine a walrus with Muscular Dystrophy. One of "Jerry's Walruses", if you will. Well, I wasn't quite that graceful.

Sweet dancin' Jehovah, was I bad. In that league, I'm used to letting in just over two goals per game. It's an Over-40 league, so the level of play isn't real fast. My biggest concern normally is being patient, and waiting for the slower shots to get to me, and not overreacting.

But kids, that night I allowed a half dozen goals. And at least five were shots I would have stopped easily any other night. The worst one was a little wrist shot from the damn blue line. I tried to push off to just stick it off into the corner, but my skate went out from under me, the puck hit the heel of my stick, and went in. Kids, I've let in some fugly goals before, but this might be the biggest howler of my life.

Now, there are two silver linings to my evening from hell. First, I'm so fucking old, I'm not capable of being embarrassed anymore. The fact that I'm even writing about this debacle proves my point. Besides, there are a bunch of people out there with many more problems than letting in shitty goals. That includes a few of my Dawgs brothers that are going through some serious health problems- I'm pretty good these days about keeping things in perspective.

And second, we won the goddamn game. My mates put up seven for me, so at least I didn't bring down the entire team with my stupidity. What should have been a blowout win turned into a tight game, so I guess in the big picture, I helped make things more exciting. You're welcome.

Also, I've learned something. From now on, I will turn on the lights in my stinky garage, and make sure all my equipment is in my bag before I take off for the game. I'm already getting forgetful in my old age- it feels like I'm on a one way train bound for Senility City. Taking an extra minute may save me some future problems, or at least keep my teammates from killing me after a game.

Old Dawgs Alone At Top After Shootout Win

2010-12-15T00:31:00.015-07:00

With the winter SDOHL nearly half over, it appears that the cream is beginning to rise to the top. Unless something strange happens, the Old Dawgs and Coyotes should be battling for the league's top spot, and the number one seed going into the playoffs.

When the teams met five weeks ago, the Coyotes came away with a 4-3 shootout victory. The Old Dawgs coughed up a two goal lead, and then the shootout went ten rounds before a winner could be decided.

It was deja vu last Tuesday night. After fighting to gain a 4-2 third period advantage, the Dawgs promptly gave it right back in the latter stages, but this time came out on the happy end of the shootout for a big 5-4 win.

Bernie Levesque continues to pile up the goals for the Old Dawgs, firing in his 11th and 12th of the season, and then netting the game winner in the shootout. Defenseman Steve DeToro put in his third, while the artist formerly known as "Jelly" got his first.

Jelly (artist rendering)

Goalie Al Sterner ran his shutout streak to five periods, and then collapsed like a chubby house of cards in the third, giving up a whopping four goals. But he did regroup in the shootout, saving all four shots he faced. The victory, though, was a little hollow for the husky veteran, because his team should have claimed all three points given for a regulation win, instead of the lousy two for a shootout victory.

Sterner-third period

As has been the case for most of the season, the Old Dawgs were missing some key players for this important contest. Those players included league leading scorer Tito Pijanowski (suspended-anger issues), Eddie Cribbs (groin injury/pussy), Ron Mulso (out of town-business), Dave Chamberlain (out of town-gay), and Chris Courtiol (in France, so exceptionally gay).

But the remaining 10 skaters were ready to go, and it looked for the first half of the game like nobody was ever going to score a goal. These were the top two defensive teams in the league, and it showed as both teams were having a hard time getting quality shots.

But DeToro finally broke the ice halfway through the second, taking a centering feed from Old Dawgs captain and former rectal ranger Marty Richardson, and tucking the puck through the pads of Coyotes goalie Ted Cetaruk.

That precarious 1-0 lead held up until the beginning of the final stanza, but then the Coyotes Steve Tautz got loose on a breakaway, and beat Sterner like a bass drum to even the score. But a minute later, "Jelly" took the puck from his defensive zone, skated down the ice and lifted the puck over Cetaruk to restore the Old Dawgs' lead.

Three minutes later, the Coyotes would level the contest again, when substitute player and league president John Ling found a loose puck in front of the Dawgs net, and fired it low, past Sterner's stick side and into the cage.

Thirty seconds later, it was Levesque's turn to give the Old Dawgs the lead back, when he converted a nice centering pass from Richardson. Then three minutes after that, he made it 4-2 with his 12th of the year, off of an assist by new Old Dawg Mike Wimmer. It was Wimmer's first point as a member of Dawg Nation.

Levesque now leads the league in goals, passing Pijanowski, but still is waiting for his elusive first assist. Of course, his chances will improve vastly when he attempts his elusive first pass. If and when he finally gets that helper, he will catch his goalie Sterner, who has led Levesque in that category for the past seven weeks.

So the Old Dawgs had their first two goal lead of the game with seven minutes left. Game over, right? Wrong. Just twenty seconds after Levesque's last goal, Tautz brought his team back to within a single marker, converting a rebound when Sterner couldn't control the first shot that hit him in one of his man-boobs. Then a minute later, Tautz completed his hat trick by undressing Sterner on a breakaway, and all of a sudden it was a brand new game.

In the space of ten minutes, a very tight, low scoring game had turned into a wide open barnburner. Seven goals were scored in that span, and both goalies, who were used to giving up around two per game, were fishing the puck out their net with shocking regularity. But things quieted down in the last five minutes, and no more goals were scored, so the two teams headed for a very important shootout. The winner would have sole possession of first place.

The first three shooters for both sides were unable to tally, as Sterner finally found a way to solve Tautz, who went third for the Coyotes. Who would captain Richardson send out next?

Paging monsieur Bernie Levesque...

Levesque, who had success earlier against Cetaruk, made his patented move, skating to the front of the net, deking to his backhand, and then lifting the puck over Cetaruk and into the top of the goal.

That terrific move needs its own name, so from now on, it will be referred to as, "The French Tickler".

No, not that kind...but the colors are French, at least

Now, all Sterner had to do was stop one more Coyotes shooter, and the extra point would go to the Old Dawgs. Sterner skated way out of his crease to challenge Matt McCoy, and when McCoy tried to make his move around Sterner, the puck rolled off his stick. Game over.

The Old Dawgs have one more game before they all celebrate Kwanzaa, and it will be this Thursday night against B&K Supply. Game time will be 7:15.

In other Dawgs news:

This week doctors discovered why Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque never passes the puck. Tragically, he is afflicted with a rare French disease known as Chunnel Vision.

Get it? French...Chunnel? Okay, they can't all be gems. Fuck off.

Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol missed last week's game in order to visit his family in France. But even though he was far away, hockey was still on his mind.

Mon Dieu...

This week Dawgs defenseman/forward/you never really fuckin' know Tito Pijanowski went to anger management therapy as part of his SDOHL suspension. But just six minutes minutes into the session, the doctor said the wrong thing, and, you know...

Might need another appointment or two...

Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs continues to be hobbled by a groin injury, which was caused by a gruesome masturbation accident. On the plus side, it has done wonders for other parts of his body.

Cribbs

Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks discovered this week that dressing and acting retarded is a great new way to pick up women.

Jesus tap dancin' Christ, Wilksie...

This week marked the return of Old Dawgs defenseman Nigel Richardson, who has been working in South Dakota for the past several months. Brother of Dawgs captain Marty and an expert chef, Richardson was in charge of all meals at a very exclusive hunting resort. Going the extra mile to please his clients, at the end of the day he still found time to drain their testicles by any method they chose. Now, that's service.

The Richardson brothers (combined height-6'9")

Getting a Rush in South Dakota

2010-12-10T16:00:00.007-07:00

So last week my wife Annie and I had to drive up to Rapid City, South Dakota to attend my aunt's funeral. She was almost 84 and she always treated me great when I was a kid, so I was more than happy to drive the 400 miles to pay my respects. Just a terrific lady.

The service was Friday afternoon, so we had the evening free before we came back home Saturday morning. My younger brother and sister had come for the funeral as well, so I imagined we would be hanging out at the hotel, drinking beer and telling stories like we always do.

Well, it turns out that my step-cousin Barry Peterson is a part owner of the Rapid City Rush, which competes in the Central Hockey League. For those of you from around Denver, they compete in the same league as the Colorado Eagles- if it were baseball, it would be considered AA level. It's two steps from The Show.

So during the reception after the service Friday afternoon, Barry asked us if we would like to go the the game that evening- his team was playing against the Quad City Mallards in the first of a weekend series ("Quad City" is a group of towns in Eastern Illinois and Southern Iowa, in case you were wondering- I had to look it up).

If you don't know how I answered that question, then you need to read this blog more often. Hockey game? Just tell me where and when- you bet your ass I'm there. So Barry made a phone call and hooked us up with some seats, and we made plans to head on down to the Rushmore Plaza Civic Center.

Kids, I've been going to hockey games since 1975, starting with the old Colorado Rockies when they first got into the NHL. I was a season ticket holder with the Colorado Avalanche, and I was actually at game seven in 2001 when Ray Bourque finally won his cup. I've been to hundreds and hundreds of games at all levels.

But you know what? I can't remember the last time I had this much fun at a hockey game.

It started an hour before the opening faceoff. There is a Holiday Inn right in the same parking lot as the arena, and they have $2 beers in their courtyard and bar before every Rush contest. So we drove down there, and it was just a sea of humanity inside the hotel. There were tons of people, and most of them were wearing their red and white team jerseys, jackets, and hats. It was like a tailgate party, only indoors. And they were really fired up for the game.

All this intensity for minor league hockey? No shit? I had been to several games of the Rocky Mountain Rage (same CHL league as the Rush) before they went tits up last year, and it was never anything like this. It was fun, but it certainly wasn't the event they were putting on in Rapid.

About 15 minutes before game time, we walked across the parking lot, and into the arena. The Civic Center holds around 5000, and it was already filled almost to capacity. Barry tells me that they sell out most of the time, especially after the holidays. And I was about to find out why.

Boys and girls, the show that the Rush organization puts on during a game rivals anything I've ever seen in the NHL. Starting with the player introductions, the presentation is absolutely top shelf. The music is just the right combination of new and old, and really serves the purpose of keeping the crowd fired up during the game.

They had fun activities between periods. That night, after the first, they had a race between two guys driving those scooters that old people use. Can't say I've ever seen that before, and it showed a lot of imagination.

Then after the second, they had a deal where you could buy foam rubber pucks, and when they gave the signal, you threw them on the ice, and the one who came closest to the center dot would win a prize. I think there is a technique to that, because I ended up throwing like old people screw, which is badly. Not even close, but it sure was fun.

Myself, I was kind of hoping for the guys in the big sumo outfits that play and try to knock each other down. That kills me every time- I see on their website that they've done it before.

See? That can't help but be funny

Now, here's a source of a running argument between Annie and myself. They had cheerleaders (the Rushettes), which she doesn't think belongs in hockey. I respectfully disagree- anything that serves to keep the crowd entertained, especially during timeouts, is fine by me. I was fascinated at how they kept their routines coordinated, because it changed every time they would play a different song before faceoffs. Plus, you know, there's this...

Yeah-that's hockey right there...

And here was my favorite part of the evening. Quad City scored early to take the lead, and then about two minutes later, Rapid City put in a shot from the point to tie things up. Right after the puck hit the back of the net, it started raining stuffed animals on the ice. Kids, I'm talking about hundreds of stuffed toys coming in from all parts of the arena. The ice was literally covered with the things.

I looked at Annie and yelled, "What the hell is happening?" A lady behind me, wearing full Rush gear and whom I assumed was a season ticket holder, told me that every year they have a toy drive for the needy kids in the area. Everybody brings a stuffed animal, and when the Rush scores that first goal, that's the way they collect the toys.

You should have seen it. I don't know if it's because I wasn't expecting it, but honest to God, it may have been the coolest thing I've ever seen at a hockey game. And like I said, I watched Ray Bourque get his Stanley Cup. I'm getting goose bumps just writing about it now.

As for the game itself, the level of play was solid. The intensity of the crowd had to help, because both teams were busting their ass out there. It was a wide open, very attractive contest. And the fans were eating it up- I can't even imagine what it must be like in there when the playoffs start.

Late in the third, the Mallards scored on a power play to take a 4-3 lead, and things were looking grim for the home side. The Rush pulled their goalie for an extra attacker, and had the puck in the Quad City zone. With less than 10 seconds left, the puck got dropped back to a Rapid City defenseman, and he ripped a shot that sniped the top corner of the net. Tie game.

Tell you what- the friggin' roof about came off the joint. I didn't have any stake in this game, and I didn't know any of the players, but I found myself jumping around like a little kid, and high fiving everyone in sight. I was that caught up in the atmosphere.

They ended up going into overtime, and unfortunately the Rush lost in a shootout. But the thing that I'll remember about the end is that starting with a minute left in the game, and going all the way through the shootout, which was probably a total of 15-20 minutes, nobody in the arena sat down. Not once. And the part that kept coming back to me was that it was a regular season game in early December, not a crucial game late in the season.

I've been to some Avalanche games recently, and I think because they charge so damn much for tickets, regular hockey fans can't afford to go anymore. That's why even on the rare occasions when they have a decent sized crowd, there is a different feel now. Honestly, it's like going to the freaking library. There isn't the excitement that I discovered in South Dakota for a lousy 17 bucks per seat.

Barry, thanks to you and your fans for showing me again what going to a hockey game should be all about. You have a terrific organization, and I can't wait to do it again.

Old Dawgs Still On Top After 6-0 Win

2010-12-08T13:21:00.011-07:00

Five weeks ago, the Old Dawgs were forced to play Team Yellow with just seven skaters, and while they battled gamely, they wore down in the third period, eventually losing by a 3-2 score.

And last Thursday, it looked like history might possibly repeat itself. When the puck dropped, there were only nine, which could have spelled disaster once again, considering that the combined age of that group is 647.

But things went much better this time. Nine eventually became 10, and the late game fade never happened, as the Old Dawgs rolled to a convincing 6-0 victory.

Bernie Levesque, who has been battling a tough combination of a nagging groin injury and being French, came through huge for his squad with a three goal chapeau trick. Brother-in-law Chris Courtiol added two goals and an assist, and played a terrific defensive game, while forward Dave Chamberlain ripped in his third of the year, and played his best overall game of the season.

Goalie Al Sterner faced only 14 shots, with just a few being dangerous, to pick up his first shutout of this, or any other millenium.

The Old Dawgs got off to their customary great start, when Levesque sprung himself on a breakaway and beat Yellow goalie Vince Sciandra just under six minutes into the first period. The Dawgs have now scored the first goal in every game this season- hanging on to that lead has been the problem.

But Courtiol helped matters greatly before the end of the period, knocking in his second and third of the season. The second goal came off of a nice feed from John Theilen, who took the evening off from working with comedian Jeff Dunham.

Theilen, left

So the Dawgs were cruising at 3-0 going into the second period, and things got even better 21 seconds in when Levesque cashed in his second of the night, with Courtiol picking up the helper. And then when Chamberlain found the net with a laser shot from the point before the end of the frame, the good guys had a lead that even they couldn't give away.

Things can get ugly when a team leads by five goals, even in the old fart league. And ugly it became with nine minutes left, when Team Yellow's Greg Klaas was called for holding the stick of Old Dawgs sort of defenseman Tito Pijanowski. The problem was that even after the whistle, Klaas wouldn' release Pijanowski's stick, resulting in Pijanowski dragging Klaas around the ice, and giving him an amateur apendectomy, twisting the stick until he finally let loose.

The referee decided to penalize both players, resulting in a very unhappy Polish Prince. Pijanowski slammed the penalty box door, and then slammed in again. And then slammed it again. It was then that Mr. Referee invited Pijanowski to hit the bricks, giving him a game misconduct penalty that will keep him out of this week's important contest against the Coyotes.

But Tito wasn't quite done. He did leave the ice, but not before skating to the Team Yellow bench and threatening the life of poor forward Michelle Bean, who promptly soiled her Depends.

He really frightened her...

Then with six minutes left, defenseman Courtiol was taken hard into the boards by Team Yellow forward Mario Lopez. This was the second consecutive game against the Old Dawgs that Lopez had delivered an unnecessary check, putting him into the early lead for the Bobby Norris Memorial Trophy for being the league's biggest dickhole.

Lopez

Courtiol, to his tremendous credit, skated away without retaliating. That restraint, along with scoring two goals, and even dropping down on defense to block several shots in front of Sterner, showed what an asset he has become this season as a new Dawg.

On the ensuing power play, Levesque completed his hat trick, and now has 10 goals on the campaign, tying him for the goal scoring lead with Tito Pijanowski. Those 10 goals, combined with all his assists, now give him a total of, well, 10 points. In fact, at press time his goalie has more assists than Levesque, which is the source of great joy for Al Sterner.

The Old Dawgs now play an important game Thursday night, when they face off against the Coyotes. The two teams are tied at the top of the SDOHL table with 16 points. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Because the Old Dawgs played so well without them last week, Tuesday afternoon the team traded captain Marty Richardson, Eddie Cribbs and a six pack of Old Milwaukee to Touchstone Imaging. In return the Old Dawgs got multi-talented forward Kathleen Ziff.

Hope Touchstone doesn't change their mind...

Forward Eric Wilks also missed the game last week, going on vacation to a special place where he could wear a flowered bathing cap, swim and smoke at the same time without being judged. That special place....France.

That's really him...no shit

This week, because he has become a danger to himself, doctors have ordered Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol to wear a hockey helmet full time.

You look great, Rain Man...

As stated earlier, Dawgs captain and former dong recepticle Marty Richardson missed last week's game, opting instead to take his wife Cindy on a special anniversary trip to San Diego. But as usual, they ended up spending the entire weekend in Tijuana at the donkey shows. Saturday night, they enjoyed an exciting three way with their new friend Pablo.

One of them really enjoyed the size of Pablo's "member". So did Cindy.

Dawgs Hang On For 5th Straight

2010-11-29T15:35:00.015-07:00

The Dawgs I squad made their way to the top of the EAHL standings last Tuesday night with their fifth consecutive win, a 7-6 squeaker over their good friends, Cobra Kai. The two teams are now tied for first with a 7-2 record, with both Cobra Kai losses coming at the hands of the Dawgs.

Young Josh Adams, who is still earning his degree, so for now is only a recreational butt doctor, continued his torrid scoring pace, netting four big goals. That gives him 11 in his last four games, and a total of 16 for the season.

Tyson Dale, who unselfishly dropped back to defense because of the absence of Tito Pijanowski, who is courageously battling an STD, still found a way to score twice, including a very unusual goal in the third period which proved to be the game winner. And rookie sensation Matt Chamberlain, playing in just his third game in a Dawgs uniform, got the other tally as the good guys held off a furious Cobra Kai rally for the victory.

Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, for the second consecutive week, was a shot stopping sonofabitch for two periods, and then tried to throw away the game in the last frame, surrendering four goals. But his teammates had just enough of a lead, so that even Sterner couldn't fuck the thing up.

Dale opened the scoring in the first, and then Adams quickly followed with two more, and the Dawgs were surprisingly up 3-0 at the end of the period. The reasons for the surprise were that Cobra Kai is the highest scoring team in the league, the Dawgs had only nine players when the game began, including only two regular defensemen, and standout player Dan Pham was in Chicago watching his younger and much more talented brother Tyler play in an important hockey tournament.

Young Pham

But Dale, along with middle brother Brandon Pham playing his first Dawgs game on defense, plus regulars Rick Zimmat and Mike Abdella, did a terrific job holding off the high scoring Cobra Kai attack.

The Dawgs built the lead up to 5-0 by the halfway mark of the second period, when Chamberlain scored a pretty goal, and Adams banged in his third. But towards the end of the middle session, Cobra Kai found their touch, and put two behind Sterner to make it 5-2. Against Cobra Kai, who can score in bunches, that was not a safe lead at all.

Adams stuffed in his fourth early in the final stanza to make it again a four goal margin, and things were looking a little better. It was discovered after the game that Adams had some inspiration in the audience- more on that later.

Then, around five minutes into the third, the Dawgs were killing a penalty, when Tyson Dale cleared the puck from his goal line all the way down the ice. The puck was rolling on its side, and Cobra Kai keeper Jeff Yerks came out of his net to play it to a teammate. Just as it got to Yerks, the puck took a quick left turn, rolled past Yerks' stick, and somehow made its way into the Cobra Kai goal.

The freakish, 200 foot goal made it 7-2, and game over, right? Not so fast...

Cobra Kai scored after a goalmouth scramble with around seven minutes left, and then Tom DiNardo rifled a shot that beat Sterner to his glove side to make matters 7-4. DiNardo got another from close range with about four minutes left, and then Greg Garmen fired a low shot through a screen that Sterner got a piece of, but only enough to deflect it into the upper corner of his own net. 7-2 turned to 7-6 in a big old hurry, and there were still two minutes left.

Sterner was officially leaking oil, and starting to show some subtle signs of pressure.

You couldn't get a piece of spaghetti up there

But Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis made his game contribution by letting himself get smashed into the boards by Cobra Kai's Even Sanft, and the ensuing power play pretty much killed the rest of the time. Cobra Kai never got another serious shot, which was a good thing, because Sterner had both hands occupied, clutching his own throat.

It doesn't get much easier this week, when the Dawgs face off against the Nooks at 9:30. The teams split their first two meetings this season, with the Dawgs coming out on top last time, winning a shootout.

In other Dawgs news:

Because of goalie Al Sterner's recent third period struggles, this week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed a young closer that will play the final 15 minutes.

He's a little taller than Sterner, too...

Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis missed last week's game, and this week the reason was discovered. Because of a recent dry spell, last Tuesday he was forced to slip a ruffie to an unexpecting girl, then take her home and make sweet, cadaver love to her for the customary 14 seconds.

You'd be more successful without the puberty beard, son...

Dawgs alumnus Mitchell Pijanowski scored a hat trick last week for his new junior team, the Yellowstone Quake. The team celebrated by having their way with the best looking woman in Cody, Wyoming.

Bummer for little Pij, far right. He drew number six...

Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio got drunk with his friend Jeff this week, and one thing led to another.

"Brad, can I at least get a good night kiss?" (Goddamn, I love Facebook...)

Last Tuesday night hundreds of dollars changed hands in the parking lot after the game, when young Dawgs star Josh Adams brought a very pretty girl named Sara to watch him score four goals. Most of his teammates had wagered that Adams' mind, heart and body belonged to another:

"You my bitch, Josh..."

Dakota Ridge Wins!

2010-11-28T16:29:00.004-07:00

In the last couple of weeks, a whole bunch of my fellow degenerates out there took the American Family Insurance safe driving pledge to help Dakota Ridge High School in their quest to win enough money for a new crosswalk. And I'm happy to report that when all the counting was done Wednesday night, the Mighty Eagles finished on top, and will get their much needed crosswalk.

They actually fell out of the lead as late as Wednesday afternoon, but fueled by a late surge, including some frantic activity from my Dawg Nation brothers and sisters, they jumped back to the top and won going away by around 700 pledges. This is a terrific win for Dakota Ridge principal and Dawgs hockey player Jim Jelinek, and proves how much can be accomplished by a small group of dedicated people.

Here's Jelly- he never looks this good. Must be an old photo.

I could tell by the traffic feed on the right side of my blog that a lot of you fine people linked over and filled out the form. Well kids, it might be this year, or it might be 10 years from now, but you helped save a life by taking a minute to do that, and I can't express to you how much I appreciate it.

Take a bow, Dakota Ridge Eagles, Dawg Nation, and both of my regular readers. You did a good thing.

Take The Pledge and Help Save Lives!

2010-11-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if I can ask a favor from you thousands of people from all over the USA and the world that for some reason frequent my silly website.

A short time ago a high school kid in our area was severely injured because there was no crosswalk at a very dangerous intersection near the school. The principal of that school, Dakota Ridge in Littleton, Colorado, happens to be a proud member of Dawg Nation, and he needs our help.

There is currently a contest going on with American Family Insurance, where if you fill out a quick form online, the high school with the most hits will win $15,000 to use as they wish. WalMart has also pledged an additional $15K, so they would have enough to build that much needed crosswalk.

Like most school systems in the country, budget cuts are kicking our ass right now, so this is the only way that the crosswalk can get built.

Here's the happy part: It doesn't cost you a penny and nobody will bug you if you don't want them to. It takes about a minute to fill out the form, and you're all done. Here's the link:

http://www.teensafedriverpledge.com/

It's really easy- just make sure you click on Dakota Ridge High School when you come to that option. That way they will be credited with the hit.

Kids, they are ahead right now, but we really need a good finish to make sure they get the bucks. Is one minute of your time worth it if it even saves one kid from getting hurt?

You bet your ass it is.

So go do it right now, then come back, and I'll tell you some more dirty jokes. I don't ask much from you guys, but this is a biggie, okay?

Thanks, boys and girls- you're chubby little pal appreciates it.

Old Dawgs Put Down, 3-1

2010-11-18T11:50:00.011-07:00

In the first game of the SDOHL season, the Old Dawgs played the Llamas, and found it fairly easy to score goals. They took a total of 22 shots, and lit the lamp eight times in an eventual 8-4 romp.

Well, things weren't quite as easy the second time around.

Last Tuesday night, despite getting a higher number of shots, the boys were only able to find the Llamas net once, and skated away on the wrong end 3-1 deficit. The loss moved the Old Dawgs down to a tie for second place in the very heavily congested SDOHL standings.

The difference Tuesday night was substitute goalkeeper Tim Kmetz, who at age 36 could be the son of many of the Old Dawgs players. Coming from the highly competitive Tuesday night Edge Adult Hockey League, Kmetz was solid in the Llamas net, turning away everything except a first period breakaway from Old Dawgs French import Bernie Levesque.

On the other end of the ice, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner surrendered two first period goals, and that turned out to be enough to send the good guys to their third defeat in the last four games. But because of the parity of the new SDOHL, a 3-3 record with a shootout loss is good enough to be only one point out of first place.

Things looked good early for the Old Dawgs, as they got off to their customary lead. In fact, the Dawgs have scored the first goal in every game this season. The contest wasn't two minutes old before Levesque received an outlet pass from Dawgs captain and former fudge excavator Marty Richardson, skated in alone, and tucked the puck past Kmetz to open the scoring. Nobody knew it at the time, but that would be the last time they would penetrate the Llamas goal for the evening.

The Llamas answered a couple of minutes later, when Mike Lapp received a pass in front of the Dawgs net, and found the Eisenhower Tunnel that is Sterner's five-hole to level the score.

It's about this big

Then around 10 minutes into the first frame, the Llamas caught the Dawgs changing players with the puck in their own zone, and made them pay with the eventual winning goal. Tom Ouellete slid the puck over to a wide open Steve Kerr, who was camped out in front of Sterner's net. Sterner slid over in his patented Gump Worsley two-pad stack, but Kerr, with all the time in the world, calmly moved the puck to his right, and shot it past the Old Dawgs keeper, who was flopping on the ice like a chubby mackerel.

Sterner, left

And amazingly, that would be it for the scoring, until Ouelette deposited the puck into an empty Dawgs goal with less than a minute remaining, after Sterner had been pulled for an extra attacker. But the low scoring wasn't for lack of shots- the Llamas put 30 on Sterner's goal during the game, while the Old Dawgs fired 27 at Kmetz.

It was just one of thise nights where the puck wasn't going in for the Dawgs, and there really wasn't anyone to blame. Well, perhaps one could blame SDOHL leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who failed to find the net for the first time this season.

Pijanowski

The Dawgs will try to get back to winning ways tonight, when they play Touchstone Imaging, featuring former Dawg Ben Ziff and his mesmerizing Jew-Fro. Game time is set for 9:55, but will probably go off at around 12:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks got a new job this week. All of Dawg Nation wishes him well in his new endeavor.

Wilksie

Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque was forced to leave the game last week, after mildly straining his groin. Levesque wanted to go on, but being French, his groin surrendered.

"Deutschland! Deutschland!"

Because of his performance in last week's game, defenseman Tito Pijanowski signed a promotional contract to represent an appropriate company.

"Tito no make score..."

Before the game last Tuesday night, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson saw teammate Eddie Cribbs without any clothes, and it couldn't help but have an adverse effect on the rest of his game:

"I'll never eat Vienna sausages again..."

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's prayers were answered this week, when he took a break to enjoy a midday snack.

"It satisfies two appetites at once! It's a miracle! There is a God!"

Old Dawgs Back On Track With 7-1 Win

2010-11-10T14:52:00.017-07:00

Well, that's a little more like it.

After dropping their last two games, the first by one goal after skating most of the game with seven players, and the second in a ten round shootout, the Old Dawgs got back to their good form last Tuesday night, slapping around first place B&K Supply, 7-1.

The convincing victory puts the Old Dawgs back up to the top of the table with 10 points, where they share first place with the Coyotes. B&K slips back to third with nine, and the Llamas hold fourth with seven in a very tight SDOHL.

Polish wonder and former sex kitten Tito Pijanowski continued his torrid pace to the winter season, when he picked up a huge six point night. His two goals and four assists are an SDOHL record. The league is only five weeks old, but still...

Pijanowski, with perfectly coordinated socks. If you're a Polack...

Eddie Cribbs and Bernie Levesque also scored two goals each for the good guys, and defenseman Chris Courtiol celebrated his return from league mandated anger management classes to add a goal and an assist.

And for the first time this season, goalie Al Sterner played like he had actually worn ice skates before, turning aside 17 of 18 shots. He might have even picked up a shutout, except...well, more on that later.

The first period began like most of the Old Dawgs games this season- they scored the first two goals. Courtiol got one just past the two minute mark off an assist from Eric Wilks, and then Cribbs got his first of the night from John Theilen and Pijanowski at 17:15.

But as had become the pattern in the past couple of games, the Old Dawgs slowed down the pace in the second period, and their lead was cut in half around 10 minutes in when B&K's John Hax beat Sterner on a breakaway.

Sterner got a little unlucky on the goal, because he stayed with Hax's deke and got his right pad on the shot. But the puck bounced off the top of the pad, and floated into the goal. This piece of bad fortune of course was inevitable, because a certain Old Dawgs player mentioned the dreaded "S word" (shutout) to Sterner at the end of the first period, breaking a well known hockey rule.

Who was that offending player? Why, it was French bastard Bernie Levesque.

Levesque

So the Old Dawgs were still up by one heading to the third, but needed some more goals to avoid their third straight week of coming from ahead to lose. They needed a spark. But where would it come from?

Would it be this guy?

Dave Chamberlain? What, are you fuckin' kidding me?

Oh, dear God no. It was the "Goalie's Kiss of Death", monsieur Bernie Levesque.

Levesque more than made up for his "shutout" gaffe, when just a minute into the final stanza, he gathered the puck in the neutral zone, made a great move, and broke in alone on B&K goalie Dave Maney. He deked to his backhand, and easily tucked it in behind Maney to double the Old Dawgs lead.

Then just three minutes later, he received a great pass from Wilks, and broke again into the B&K zone at full speed. Skating as though he was being chased by the Third Reich, he made the same move on Maney, and got the same result. That made it 4-1, and pretty much game over.

Tito Pijanowski found a burst of energy a minute later, and scored on one of his patented end-to-end surges to increase to Old Dawgs lead to four, and then three minutes later, did the same thing to make it 6-1. Watching him carry the puck with such grace and finesse, it reminded some observers of former Boston Bruin great Bobby Orr. Of course, that would be if Orr was uglier, less intelligent, sported a porn mustache, was really Polish, and in a coma.

Holy shit, they shouldn't even be in the same picture

The Old Dawgs got their only real scare about midway through the third, when B&K took a shot that Sterner saved, but then had two good chances to score on the rebound, as the puck sat right on the goal line. But a Dawgs defenseman that would prefer not to be identified, mainly because he's a school principal and it's not very good for the career to be on a blogsite that features dick jokes, twice cleared the puck off the line with his hand, saving Sterner from any further damage. Let's just call said defenseman "Jelly".

Jelly, incognito

Eddie Cribbs closed the scoring (there's something you usually don't see in a sentence) five minutes before the end, when he one-timed a great pass from Pijanowski past Maney, and into the top of the net. For Cribbs, it was his third goal of the season, beating his previous record by, well...three.

The Old Dawgs, having now played everyone in the league, take on the Llamas for the second time this Tuesday night at 8:35.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Dawgs forward John Theilen continues to show no signs of the hepatitis that he battled for the past year.

Well, maybe a little sign...

Because of his strong performance last Tuesday night, after the game Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol scored his first hockey groupie.

I hear she gives good beak...

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to be out of last week's game because he had an important meeting with his encounter group, Sex Without Partners. He was not missed, except possibly for his talents in the locker room after the contest.

He can stay like that for hours...

Old Dawgs Fall- And They Can't Get Up

2010-10-27T16:24:00.013-06:00

Things tend to change when guys get older. Waistlines get a little thicker, hairlines get a little thinner, and when our wives ask us if we want to have "super sex", we think about it for a moment, and then say "I think I'll have the soup".

Oh, and one other thing: eight old guys have trouble playing an entire hockey game without having a bran muffin and a nap.

But that's what the Old Dawgs were faced with last Thursday night. Because of various reasons, the usual 14 skaters were pared down to eight brave warriors, and then eventually seven. They hung tough for over two and a half periods, before finally running out of gas and losing to Team Yellow, 4-2.

It was the Old Dawgs first loss of the new season, and left them in second place with a 2-1 record. Tito Pijanowski notched his fifth goal of the winter campaign, while Dawgs captain and former anal buccaneer Marty Richardson knocked in his second.

Goalie Al Sterner, who should have been the freshest player on the ice, couldn't hold off a late charge by Team Yellow, and surrendered two goals with under three minutes left to absorb the loss.

Sterner

Things looked good at the start of the contest for the Old Dawgs, when Tito Pijanowski picked up a rebound from a shot on Sterner, and headed for the other end of the ice, employing his patented "Polish Snowplow". He cut to the net, and beat Team Yellow keeper Vince Sciandra to make it 1-0 after less than a minute had elapsed.

Team Yellow tied the game four minutes later when Paul Truex scored on a low shot that eluded Sterner, and it was all square going to the second. But Marty Richardson tallied on a power play less than two minutes into the middle frame, and the Dawgs lead was restored at 2-1.

It stayed that way until around three minutes remained in the second, and then things got a little nasty in the old man league. Team Yellow's Truex took Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol into the boards, and was called for a two minute penalty. Courtiol approached Truex, and the resulting verbal altercation netted Courtiol a two minute, ten minute, and finally a game misconduct penalty. Courtiol was invited to take his toys and go home, and the Old Dawgs were left with seven players to play the final period. Courtiol was still unhappy in the parking lot as he left the arena.

"Fuck you and Mr. Hooper!"

The Old Dawgs tried as hard as they could, but finally wore down with three minutes left. Team Yellow's Jon Guelzow wristed a shot that deflected off of a Dawgs player and into the net to level the score, and then Brent Black stuffed in a rebound from in close to give his team the lead with under two minutes left. Truex scored an empty netter in the final minute for the final margin.

After the game, several Old Dawgs players looked like the game might have taken its toll.

Forward John Theilen was so tired, he said he missed the "good old days" when he had Hepatitis C.

Eddie Cribbs was exhausted, having used up more energy than the last time he made love to a woman. Which was September 19, 1978.

"Do a little dance...make a little love..."

The Old Dawgs now get a chance for redemption, when they play the Coyotes. In a special promotion, tonight is Chris Courtiol Bobblehead Night, where the first 1000 fans will receive the limited souvenir. It comes with a special feature, where you push a button on the back of his helmet, and he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward and noted stinky French guy Bernie Levesque missed the game last week in order to play a rousing game of softball. The only problem he has is that every time the other team picks up a bat, Levesque goes back to his roots and surrenders.

"Zut alors!"

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner turns 52 this weekend, and will celebrate by going on an intimate date with his one and only true love.

Doesn't need to cuddle afterward

It might be time for Old Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski to think about dating again.

"Tito need poon-tang!"

Old Dawgs Debut With Two Wins

2010-10-21T00:00:00.016-06:00

Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die-they just fade away".

Sixty years later, there is a new saying: "Old hockey players never die- they just play in the Over 40 League. "

This winter, the new Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League (or SDOHL- doesn't that just roll off the tongue) needed a sixth team to complete their membership. The league is being run by John Ling, who looks like Harry Potter's gay grandfather.

Dawgs captain and former East Colfax testicle drainer Marty Richardson gauged interest in both of the teams that represent Dawg Nation. Not surprisingly, there were plenty of players that jumped at the opportunity to get the fuck away from their wives for another night of the week, and in two cases, it was a chance to take a break from whacking off together while watching gladiator movies.

"Oh, Russell Crowe, you're so shiny!"

So now 15 players, with a combined age of approximately 1126, play on the newest representative of Dawg Nation. They are called the "Old Dawgs".

Possible new team logo

And it has gone very well in the first two games of the season. They opened with a convincing 8-4 victory against the Llamas, and last Tuesday night, they came away with a nice 5-2 win over Touchstone, which is led by former Dawgs player Ben Ziff and his magic Jew-Fro.

Ziff

The Dawgs are led so far by "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who has racked up four goals and four assists in the two games. Never a "stay at home" defenseman to begin with, he now roams the entire ice surface at Foothills Arena like a free range chicken, employing his patented one armed stickhandling technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".

"Tito do good...Tito make score"

Also off to a good start is Dave Chamberlain, who has a goal and three assists despite missing the second game. Right behind him is Bernie Levesque, who has lit the lamp three times, and continues to play despite ongoing pleas from his teammates to stop being French.

Captain Richardson has chipped in nicely with a sweet goal against Touchstone, and added two assists. But Richardson's most memorable contribution this season actually came before the game started last Tuesday night.

As he was skating out for the opening faceoff, Richardson pivoted, tripped over the center red line, and slid into the back of the referee's legs. The ref went down hard on the ice, and quickly assessed Richardson a two minute penalty for being a dipshit.

Richardson

And longtime Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who turns 52 in a week, is now officially playing hole number 18 of his career (dogleg, with water down the right side). He hasn't exactly been stellar to start the season, but his team has scored enough goals to hold him up while he solves his immediate problem.

Sterner

But probably the best story of the new season has been the return of forward John Theilen. Theilen has been battling Hepatitus C, which he reportedly contracted from a Vietnamese hooker during the Tet Offensive of 1969. He has completed a series of treatments that weaken the body, and has bounced back, returning to the game he loves, even scoring a goal in his second game. All of Dawg Nation congratulates Theilen, and continues to root for a complete recovery.

Theilen

The Old Dawgs strap on the skates once again tonight, when they face Team Yellow at 7:15. The game starts early enough so that the team can get home in time to catch a rousing episode of Matlock before they go to sleep.

Yeah-Matlock!

In other Old Dawgs news:

This season the Old Dawgs welcome a new to player to The Nation, defenseman Chris Courtiol. He is already well liked despite having three strikes against him: he's way too tall, of French descent, and the brother-in-law of Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque. That's very difficult to overcome.

Courtiol

This week Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque bought a kitten, but not until he confirmed that it was also French.

Yep, it's French all right...

Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs scored a goal last week against the Llamas. It was the first time this century that Cribbs has scored...at anything.

Cribbs

Dawgs Win Big- Tito Is a Dickhole

2010-10-04T14:33:00.024-06:00

The Dawgs I squad got back to winning ways this week, dominating from the start and completely destroying a vastly undermanned Ozone team by a 16-2 score. It was the most goals any Dawgs side has ever scored in a game, and it could have been much more had it not been for the play of Ozone goalkeeper Tim Kmetz.

It may be tough to fathom because he gave up 16 goals, but Kmetz was unbelievable for the first period and a half, surrendering only three. But with a massive total of 60 shots for the game, the Dawgs wore him down, and eventually an exhausted Kmetz could only wave as shot after shot went past him in the last half.

Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner spent most of the game doing what he does best- standing in one place with his thumb up his ass. Ozone managed just eight shots on goal, and Sterner gave up just one real tally, being beaten like a Saudi woman with an opinion on a breakaway in the second period.

What happened to cause the second goal? Hang on for just a little bit- funny story, that...

Besides scoring their highest total ever, the Dawgs set one more team record Tuesday night. Nine different players lit the lamp, easily the best ever performance from a team that only used 13 players for the game. Tyson Dale and future butt doctor Josh Adams each managed a hat trick, which also might be a team first.

But for all the goals that were scored in the game, the real story happened in the middle of the second period.

After the Dawgs had just scored to take an 8-1 lead, defenseman when the mood strikes Tito Pijanowski concocted a little plan with linemate Mike Abdella. It seems that Pijanowski took a little bit of offense when his goalie Al Sterner questioned his ability to coach junior hockey players the week before this game.

After the faceoff at center ice, Abdella dropped a pass back to Pijanowski, who was in the Dawgs zone. Instead of advancing the puck forward, Pijanowski took it right in front of the Dawgs goal, and backhanded a shot right between the pads of an unexpecting and stunned Al Sterner, and into the back of his own net.

At first Sterner and everyone on the Dawgs thought possibly that Pijanowski was confused, because after all, he is a rather stupid Polack. But right after he scored the "own goal", he skated near Sterner, and said, "That's for saying I can't coach".

It seemed strange to Sterner that Pijanowski would take offense to a passing joke, because he hadn't been particularly offended by previous comments and pictures that had been posted in the past several years. The following are just a few of those items:

Tito and old girlfriend

Tito and new girlfriend. They're wearing the same shirt- what are the odds?

Tito attempting sex with figure skater

Tito attempting sex with Siamese twins

Tito attempting sex with Dawgs captain's wife

Tito bobblehead night

Tito wearing crown after tourney win

But no, Pijanowski decided to take revenge over a simple joke. And in so doing, Pijanowski made his largest mistake since not aborting twin sons Mitchell and Michael when he had the chance 19 years ago. He has now incurred the wrath of a twisted goalkeeper with a blogsite, a vivid imagination, and too much time on his hands. Buckle up, Tito...

Proving that karma is a very real occurance, Pijanowski got hurt in the middle of the third period, when an Ozone players intentionally dove at his knees, and sent him crashing into the boards. He suffered a contusion on his left knee, and stayed down on the ice for 30 seconds, before heading back to his bench. As he passed the offending Ozone player who was already in the penalty box, something happened...

Uh, oh...

For the first time in two years, Pijanowski went through the transformation:

"TITO....PISSED!!!!"
Pijanowski then tried to enter the Ozone penalty box and tear most of the limbs off of the Ozone player. When he was stopped by both referees, several Dawgs teammates, and the National Guard, he tried to get at the Ozone player by entering his own penalty box, and crossing behind the scorekeeper, who was silently praying for her own safety.

At that point, the referees decided to send both players off the ice, and into their respective locker rooms. This was a very bad idea, because now Pijanowski would have access to the player with nobody to stop him. But finally, cooler heads prevailed, and both players stayed apart for the rest of the evening, but not before the Ozone player soiled his breezers.

After that, the Dawgs poured five more goals past Ozone keeper Kmetz, finishing with a whopping 16 for the contest. Kmetz deserved better, making a ton of spectacular saves, especially in the first half of the game.

The Dawgs, now 2-1 for the season, will take on Dr. 5 Hole Tuesday night. The two teams played the first game of the winter season, with the Dawgs prevailing 6-3 in a very fast skate. Game time is set for 8:40 PM.

In other Dawgs news:
This week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson...wait, I almost forgot. Let's start over, shall we?
This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski took advantage of the nice weather and got himself some sun.

This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski decided to stop playing hockey, and will now begin a career as a pairs skater with Olympic medalist Johnny Weir.

Holding Johnny like a bowling ball

This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski went to Wyoming to watch his son Mitchell play hockey. While he was there, he was able to date one of the local hotties.

He even wore a tie-nice touch
Later, after eating his date with a side of mint jelly, Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski went back to the hotel and satisfied his sexual desires in the usual way.

Doesn't have to feed this one

Alexi Richardson Brings Home 2nd Place in 5K Run

2010-10-04T09:28:00.004-06:00

It may have taken several generations, but the Richardson family finally have themselves an athlete.

In her first ever 5K road race, seven year old Alexi Richardson grabbed second place in her age group last Saturday at the Cougar Classic in Evergreen, Colorado. She ran a very tough course (3.2 miles for those of you that are metrically challenged), which was completely uphill, in the terrific time of 40 minutes. And she did it without stopping at all.

Proudly wearing her Colorado Ice soccer uniform, young Alexi had to overcome several obstacles that may have added extra minutes to her time. The first one was her choice of running partner, which was her dad and Dawg Nation founder Marty Richardson. Secondly, the narrow course was so crowded with slower runners, that Team Richardson had to carve a different path around the group to get some room to run.

And then, inspired by a song in her head and the cheering of the fans along the course, Alexi pulled away from her weaker partner and sprinted across the finish line to nail down the red ribbon.

Please join Dawg Nation and everyone from all over the world that look in on the SFG blogsite to congratulate this outstanding achievement!