Travis Hollis Stays Unbeaten With TKO

Travis "Bloody Fist" Hollis, the younger and much tougher brother of Dawgs I star forward Shaun Hollis, ran his record to 2-0 last Saturday night with a convincing third round technical knock out over Dan Craft. The fight was part of the EFX Total Destruction card held at the Crown Plaza Hotel.



This was the second consecutive third round stoppage for Hollis, who took out Ian Chavez in the same manner July 18th in his debut match.

Unlike his first fight, which featured more punches and elbows, Hollis spent more time grappling on the mat with Craft, and came close to ending it in the first round with a choke hold. He could not quite get his arm locked in the right position, but still won the round handily.



In round two, it more of the same. Late in the round, however, Craft came close to getting an arm lock on Hollis that could have spelled trouble. Hollis escaped before the bell, and still had to be far ahead on points going to the third.

Craft did gain an early advantage in the final round, when he got on top of Hollis for really the only time in the match. That did not last long, as Hollis was able to free himself from a headlock, and reverse position, getting back the advantage he had for most of the fight.

Now Hollis had Craft face down and totally vulnerable, which also describes a typical Saturday night for his brother Shaun. Finally, he had free hands, and was able to unleash the thunder on Craft, pummeling him on the side of the head with lefts and rights until the referee had no choice but to stop the contest.



After the match, the younger Hollis posed for pictures with his brother Shaun, who made a fist for the first time in his life.


"Travis, this hurts my fingers! Can I stop now?"

In other Dawgs news:


When the match was over, Hollis stopped by to chat with possibly the three biggest dorks in the ballroom.


Cappy's taller than me only because he was wearing cowboy boots (size 3 1/2- I looked). More fun with that in future articles...

Dawgs defenseman Ben Ziff stays in shape for the upcoming season by lifting his giant can of hair spray.


One week's supply

Dawgs forward and teen boy-toy Matt McGarvey changed his hair style this week to look like a famous television star.


Ladies and gentlemen, Butters McGarvey!

Dawgs forward Danny Packard dropped out of college this week to pursue a career in acting. His first role is a perfect fit.


"Zoinks! I'm scared, Scoob..."

Dawgs forward and budding Socialist Rhett Brantley's dream came true this week, when he met his hero at the Democratic National Convention. He may now wish that it had stayed a dream.


She looks a little different in person

FINALLY, WE GOT ONE!

Dawgs I Win Their First Edge Cup


(Click to enlarge all photos- but be careful, Mike Abdella is butt-ugly)

Well, it wasn't exactly the Red Sox and Cubs, but it was starting to feel like it.

The Dawgs I team, after years of being frustrated like a fugly high school girl, at long last found a way to lose their league championship hymen. They broke open a very tight game with two third period goals, and coasted home with a well-deserved 6-3 victory over the Icebreakers.

It was a perfect team scenario for the new champs, as they featured six different goal scorers. Plus they played a solid backchecking defense that limited quality shots on time-ravaged goalkeeper Al Sterner, who is mere weeks away from being taken out behind the barn and given the same shot as Barbaro.


Barbaro, today

This summer, the Dawgs used a combination of players ranging in age from 20 to 50. In a short time, they meshed into a championship squad, getting contributions from everyone, and finished with a 12-0-1 record.

In the final, the Icebreakers drew first blood around the middle of the opening period on a goal that was a bit unlucky for the Dawgs. They centered a puck from the right side, which deflected off the stick of Dawgs defenseman Ben Ziff, past a perplexed Sterner and into the far corner of the net.


Sterner

The Dawgs had an answer just a few minutes later. Danny Packard, still reeling from losing his girlfriend last week to a teammate, took a nice centering feed from team captain and former tailgunner Marty Richardson, and lasered one past Icebreaker goalie Tom Lester to equalize.



The game stayed that way until early in the second, when EAHL leading scorer Shaun Hollis gave the Dawgs the lead. He took a rebound from a shot by The Virgin Eric Schlie, and stuffed the puck past Lester.


Hollis

That lead lasted less than two minutes. Icebreakers star defenseman Marc-Andre Piette gathered the puck at his own blue line, and was able to weave his way through the Dawgs defense for one of the few times in the game. He ripped a wrist shot over the snail-like glove of Sterner and into the top corner to level matters again.

Then two minutes later, it was the Dawgs turn to reply. Forward Chris Acuna, who shocked teammates by showing up for the game on the correct day, took a great feed from defenseman Smilin' Mike Abdella, skated in alone, and fired the puck into the back of the net. 3-2, good guys.


Acuna

It was almost a whole six minutes before the seesaw rocked back the other way, and the Icebreakers scored again to tie the contest. During a power play, an Icebreakers defenseman took a wrist shot that went through a jungle of legs, and into the lower corner past Sterner, who would have made the save, had it been, say, 1997.

Then with three minutes left in the second, the Dawgs lined up for a faceoff in the Icebreakers zone. The puck came to forward and toner boy Dan Pham, who cut in from a sharp angle towards the net. He held the puck long enough to freeze Lester, then glided across the crease and tucked the bisquit into the far corner to give his team the lead once again.


Pham and Richardson after goal, as crowd goes wild

The terrific, nail-biting game stayed at 4-3 until midway through the third period, when the Dawgs went on a power play. During the man advantage, the puck was fed back to the point, and onto the magic blade of Tito Pijanowski. Pijanowski then took a shot that fluttered off of the end of his stick. But somehow, with a sea of humanity in front of the net, the puck found it's way through everyone, including Lester, and into the lower left corner. Now it was 5-3, and the Dawgs finally had some breathing room.


Pijanowski

After the game, Pijanowski spoke with reporters. "Tito make goal for new girlfriend. Tito good lover. Tito go boom boom for 30 whole second. New Tito record."


Pijanowski and new flame

With less than a minute to go, and a faceoff in the Dawgs zone, the Icebreakers pulled Lester in favor of a sixth attacker. And that meant just one thing. It was prime time for Matt McGarvey. McGarvey, who has picked more cherries than a seven-fingered migrant farm worker, took off right from the drop like he had been shot out of a cannon, and made a beeline for the Icebreakers goal.

When the puck was eventually cleared from the Dawgs zone, McGarvey was waiting right in his "kitchen", which is the opponent's blue line. He gathered it in, skated in alone, and slid it in the empty cage to put things out of reach.


McGarvey way behind the defense...gee, no shit

A few seconds later, the final buzzer sounded, and the Dawgs had their elusive cup.




After the game, captain Richardson hoisted the hardware, along with several of his Dawgs teammates:



Nurse, bring this man a comb...stat!


Sterner hugging it so it doesn't slip through his massive five hole

The Virgin Eric Schlie, practicing for when he kisses a girl for the first time



Defenseman Rick Zimmat, leaving the cup on the ice in favor of his giant bag of weed



McGarvey lifts the trophy while being surrounded by all his friends



The Ziffer, holding up the cup with his arms, and his white-boy 'fro




In other Dawgs news:

While posing for the team photo, EAHL leading regular season goal scorer The Virgin Eric Schlie shows how many he scored in three crucial playoff games.

The Jaromir Jagr of the EAHL

Lightweight forward Rhett Brantley drinks one beer, and then throws up in the Edge Cup, ruining the celebration for everyone else.

You couldn't find a trash can?

Captain Marty Richardson seems too embarrassed to acknowledge Dawgs II forward Nick Cortese, who enthusiastically showed up to watch the championship game wearing all of his hockey equipment.

"I'm your biggest fan, Marty. Marty? Marty, it's me! Nick! Nick Cortese!"

The Edge Cup, weighing 15 pounds, proves to be very difficult to lift for star forward and noted pussy Shaun Hollis


Shaun, what's the over/under on how many ways I use this photo? 400? 500?

Forward Danny Packard tries awkwardly after the game to regain the affection of former girlfriend Lacey Undergarment. But her heart now belongs to another.

"I'm sorry, Danny. But you know the old saying: Once I've gone Tito, your penis looks like a mosquito. Hey, I made a funny! No, but seriously, yours is like a toothpick..."

Forward Matt McGarvey picks up his ninth consecutive Dawgs groupie, shattering the team record formerly held by goalie Al Sterner. This one is very attractive, and actually, the first female in the whole bunch.

Nice bedroom eyes, Matty. Is that how you seduced Shaun?

As a distant car radio plays "Reunited" by Peaches and Herb, forwards Rhett Brantley and Brad Stabio begin to suddenly slow dance and swap bodily fluids, while Eric Schlie and Rick Zimmat look on and secretly masturbate.


You have a little spooge on your shirt there, Stabs

While posing for the championship team photo, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson puts his arm around goalie Al Sterner. That is all it takes for Richardson to achieve a spontaneous orgasm.


Click this photo. Just trust me.

(Special thanks to Kathleen Ziff, who took all of these terrific pictures. The rest of the boys probably aren't as happy as I am, but screw 'em.)