I'm talking about the songs that are so goddamn bad, you actually listen to them, just so you can scream at the end about how goddamn bad they are. I do that all the time-I know you do too.
Now these have to be songs from the modern era, like the past 50 years. I say 50 because that gives me a chance to include a Beatles song. Stop gasping- the Beatles are vastly overrated, and Paul McCartney hasn't had a good song since "Maybe I'm Amazed". That was 38 years ago. Paul McCartney sucks. There- I said it.
Plus I'm not going to include country, because I could type until my fingers bleed, and I wouldn't even scratch the surface of bad C&W songs. Holy cow, how can you people listen to that shit? Oh, and no rap, either. That doesn't count as music.
Anyway, without further Freddie Adu, here's a partial list of songs that make me want to hit myself with something heavy until they're over:
All I Wanna Do- Sheryl Crow
Now, I start out badly already with Sheryl because of her politics. If I want some singer's opinion about the world, and how I should vote, I promise I'll ask. Until then, how's about you just play your songs, and shut the fuck up? That goes for everyone in show business, on both sides of the aisle.
But this song makes me crazy. All she does during the whole song is ramble aimlessly, and none of the fucking lyrics rhyme. It's like she just wrote down a shitload of random thoughts, and then put some music in the background. Here's an example:
We are drinking beer at noon on Tuesday
In a bar that faces a giant car wash
The good people of the world are washing their cars
On their lunch break, hosing and scrubbing
As best they can in skirts in suits
What the fuck? Do you see one rhyme in there? Me either. Isn't that part of, you know, writing a song?
Plus, if you listen, during the whole song there's something making a grinding sound in the background. I really hate that. And the sonofabitch won a Grammy Award. Go figure...
Margaritaville- Jimmy Buffett
I don't like songs with an island beat to begin with, but this is really bad. Jimmy calls it The National Anthem, but I think for now I'll just hang on to the old one, thank you very much. I've never really understood the Parrothead thing, just like I've never understood how anyone could follow the Grateful Dead. Get a fuckin' job, hippies.
Yeah, I'm old. Now get off my lawn.
Yellow Submarine- Beatles
I could list most Beatles songs, but this is probably the worst. Not only is the song awful, but I'm still pissed because I watched the movie 40 years ago thinking it was going to be a funny cartoon, and it sucked so bad that it affected most of my adolescence. There were some serious mushrooms happening when they wrote that hunk of shit.
I'm still hoping for a Beatles reunion. Hell, it'll only take two more bullets. Not that much to ask, is it?
This Kiss- Faith Hill
I know I said no country, but this crossed over to pop. so there. While being exceptionally attractive, I have to believe that if you wanted to gather a pack of coyotes, you could just play Faith Hill music, and they'd come a-runnin'.
This song in particular bugs me. It sounds like she's trying to speed-talk the lyrics, so it translates like she's singing with a mouthful of shit. Plus, there's part of the chorus that I freakin' hate:
It's that pivotal moment
It's (aah...) subliminal
THIS KISS! THIS KISS! (It's criminal)
THIS KISS! THIS KISS!
That "aah" part sounds like she's faking an orgasm, and I hear enough of that at home, thank you very much. Plus she strains so hard on THIS KISS! I think someday one of her eyeballs is going to pop out.
Oh, just in case you're wondering, I'm the one faking the orgasms.
No Rain- Blind Melon
I'm putting this in because this is just one example of the lead singer, who's a dude, having this high pitched, whiny-ass voice. Here are some lyrics, just in case you don't recognize the title:
All I say can say, you know my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
All I can do, is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view
Geddy Lee from Rush and that bunghole from Styx are others that have that voice. Hey fellas, stop squeezing your nuts, and sing like men, would you please?
Cocaine/I Shot the Sheriff- Eric Clapton
Not only does the first song suck, but it sent an incredibly poor message to kids when it came out. He seems like a smart guy, and he can certainly play the bejesus out of a guitar. He should have been a lot more responsible than writing a song that glorifies a hard drug.
That other ball of shit I think is a remake of a Bob Marley song. I've hated reggae ever since I went to Jamaica a few years ago, and discovered just how much those fuckers hate Americans. Especially if you don't buy their bullshit trinkets, or don't give them money just because they ask you to. Lazy goddamn humps. Not my favorite week, that trip to the island.
You're Beautiful- James Blunt
You ever watch this jabronie sing the tune? He looks off into space like he's on some kind of qualude, and you just want to hit him with a shovel so he'll snap out of it.
I'm not makin' this shit up
Plus it's another song where the guy sings the lyrics too quickly, so they fit into the tune. Here's just one of many examples:
There must be an angel, with a smile on her face,
When shethoughtupthatIshouldbewithyou
He sings that last line like it's all one word. Condense the lyrics, or add some more tune, Jimmy.
Handlebars- Flobots
This is a very recent addition. My kids liked this one for awhile- I really think it was written to irritate people. It breaks off into rap for a lot of the song- just awful. And somehow they find a way to include a nasty trumpet part- you sure don't hear that every day. Those of you out there with kids from 8-18 probably have heard it. Once was enough, wasn't it?
Brass In Pocket- Pretenders
I'm surprised I almost forgot this one- I've hated this song for over 28 years. This is the one where Chrissy Hynde mumbles all through the song. Wait, I'd better narrow that down. She mumbles through every goddamn song she's ever done.
Let me give you the chorus, and I'm sure you'll recognize it if you're over 40. You kids out there, just trust me- this megasucks.
GONNA USE MY ARMS
GONNA USE MY LEGS
GONNA USE MY STYLE
GONNA USE MY SIDESTEP
GONNA USE MY FINGERS
GONNA USE MY, MY, MY IMAGINATION
'CAUSE I GONNA MAKE YOU SEE
THERE'S NOBODY ELSE HERE
NO ONE LIKE ME
I'M SPECIAL SO SPECIAL
I GOTTA HAVE SOME OF YOUR ATTENTION GIVE IT TO ME
Just horrid. But at least she was good looking:
Or not...
Kiss- Prince
Okay, here's another phenomenon I never understood. What did women ever find sexy in a guy that's about 5'2" with his high heels on, weighs about a buck-fifteen, has a pube mustache, and wears outfits like this?
Jesus tap-dancin' Christ...
Amazingly, the girls went nuts for this jagoff. Then he changed his name to a symbol that I think was the chemical sign for titanium, and gradually went away. Not quickly enough for me, by the way.
But the song Kiss is really bad. Especially right at the end, when he's screaming like someone set him on fire, or took away his eye liner. In the video, he does his sexy dance without a shirt on, and every real man in America just wants to drive his fist straight through that tiny, 19 inch chest he's sporting.
Goddamn, I hate Prince. Let's move on...
My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion
Let me start by saying that Celine Dion is maybe the greatest female singer of our generation. She has a gift like no other- just an amazing voice.
But she is also maybe the most annoying person of our generation. When she sings, especially this song, she insists on gyrating and beating on her chest when she sings about her heart. Just makes me crazy. Plus she always does the air guitar thing when she sings a rock song. She really needs to stop that. Whoever invented air guitar should be strung up by their testicles, even if it's a woman.
See? I told ya...
Anyway, add the fact that this song has been played around eight million times, and we have a winner. When I hear it, all I can think of is Leo would have survived if Kate Winslett's ass hadn't been too fat for both of them to ride on that piece of wood.
I love you, Leo. Part of my soul sank to the bottom of the sea with you at the end of the movie.
What's Going On?- Four Non-Blondes
This is at the top of my list. I'm listening to it right now so I can try to communicate how much I hate this fucking song. The lead singer screeches out the lyrics, and keeps going up and down octaves. Sing it with me, kids:
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And scream from the top of my lungs, WHAT'S GOING ON!!!!!
I think the worst part is the video, and the singer is wearing a stupid goddamn top hat while she's making my ears bleed. I can't talk about this anymore- I have to go kick my dog...
Ah, there's the hat. I'd love to slap that thing off her head
Okay, I'm back. So that's it for now. I'll probably be adding some as I think of them, but in the meantime, I want to hear from y'all. Just hit the "comment" thingy, and go crazy. We're almost at 16,000 hits on the website, so I know you're out there somewhere.
Get to work.
