Why, you ask? Because this is by far the largest gathering of mutants and dorks on the planet, and it is a gold mine for making fun of people. We're talkin' motherlode.
You see, to put it in medical terms, my family and I are what has been diagnosed as "insecure assholes", and we just aren't happy unless we are making sport of others to feel better about ourselves.
I believe it's healthy that we at least recognize and embrace this character flaw.
Anyway, last year I kept a running diary of the event, and it went over pretty well with other dickheads like myself. So let's try it again, shall we? Once again, we have your little pal, his wife Annie, and the two oldest boys, Mike-14, and Sam-13. So grab your Funk and Wagnalls, and button the top button on your shirt- it's party time! Here we go...
7:00- Jesus Tap Dancin' Christ, does Tom Bergeron have to host everything? Oh, I'm sure he'll just keep me a chucklin' all night with his folksy humor. What a cumspot that guy is...
Oh well, buckle up kids- it's time to meet the 11 finalists! Now, just like last year, I'm going to give most of them nicknames, and you'll see why in a moment. Some of the names are a little excessive on the number of letters, and to be honest, I type like old people screw.
Gee, come to think of it, I screw like old people screw. I just figured out what people mean when they use that expression. Damn, that's a little depressing. We'd better just move on...
There are three finalists that were here last year. They are:
Kyle Mou- Last year, he was 12, and looked like he was seven. This year, he's 13, and looks like he's seven. Tiny little fella- can't weigh more than 50 pounds. Has a perfectly round head, and his dad still looks like the Donger from "16 Candles". NO MORE YANKIE MY WANKIE! THE DONGER NEED FOOD!
Kavya Shivashankar- See what I mean about typing all the letters? It gets worse. Kavya is from Kansas, her dad's name is Merle, and her little sister is still a dead ringer for Dora the Explorer. She's very sweet, and as close to normal as you can get in this group. This makes her a longshot for success.
(Quick note if I could, please. There is no fuckin' way her dad's real name is Merle. It's like when you call one of those help lines, and some dude answers with a thick Indian accent, and says, "This is Jimmy, may I help you?" Bullshit- he's not Jimmy, his name is dizxsfdhgsgfhysojsan. I'm just saying...)
Sidharth Chand- Sidharth was the runnerup last year. At that time, he looked like Pedro from "Napolean Dynamite". This year, his mustache is thicker, and he's wearing glasses and a rumpled suit. He looks like a little Jewish old man. We'll call him "Ira the Jew". He has to be the favorite tonight.
And here are the eight finalists that are here for the first time:
Tussah Heera- Age 13, from Las Vegas. Scared shitless- you can see it in her eyes. I'll be shocked if she gets very far. Like almost all the kids, she's homeschooled, which means she'll spend her life living alone with 17 cats, because she won't be able to interact with human beings. She'll kick ass when Jeopardy comes on, but only the cats will know. I'll take Old Maids for $200, Alex...
Aishwarya Pastapur- Her family may not be from around here. Every year, there is some poor Indian girl that has one giant eyebrow, and a distinctive mustache. This year, it's Aishwarya. Like my dad always said, "If your girlfriend can grow a better mustache than you, you might want to check under the hood". Her role model is Amelia Earhart. I have so many jokes my head is about to explode. We'll just call her "Wolf Girl". Yikes...
Neetu Chandak- Neetu's another tiny little bugger, has braces, and speaks with a distinctive lisp. My boys latch onto this straightaway, and say she sounds just like Stan Marsh's sister Shelly on "South Park". Mike does a terrific Shelly impression- God, I hope she stays in a long time; Mike's going to bust me up if she does. Of course, we'll call her "Shelly Marsh".
(Unless you watch South Park, you're probably not going to be that amused by this. But if you don't watch South Park, there's something wrong with you, and you probably shouldn't be reading my blog. So there.)
Anamika Veeramani- She's from Cleveland, and her eyes are way, way too far apart. She really looks familiar, though. We try for awhile, but can't quite put our finger on who she looks like. Then it finally dawns on me.
From now on, she'll be "E.T."
Kennyi Aouad- Is it legal to have a last name that starts with four vowels? Anywho, Kennyi has a Jamaican accent, and looks like a miniature Bill Cosby (ladies and gentlemen, please start your Bill Cosby impressions!). He is incredibly outgoing, and mugs for the camera a lot. We determine that he hit the bong before the telecast. He's "Jamaican Cosby".
Serena Skye-Laine Lobsinger- You gotta be shittin' me. She's 13, so I have to believe that she's not married. Why is her goddamn name so long? She's from West Palm Beach, Florida, and has to be the whitest girl ever from that state. She's a big girl, and has a mop of bleach-blonde hair that looks just like Jon Bon Jovi from 1983. She'll be "Plus Sized Bon Jovi".
Tim Ruiter- Sound the alarm! We have a Category 5 dork alert here, kids. Tim is 13, and looks like the love child of Milhouse from "The Simpsons", and Big Bird. He hikes his pants up all the way to his nipples, and has a hunch when he walks. His profile says "he's devoted a lot of time to Star Trek, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings". Wow, what a fuckin' shocker that is. If this kid ever gets laid, I'll eat my goalie cup. He'll be "Frodo".
Ramya Auroprem- Holy Mother of God. Ramya's face droops to one side, her mouth hangs open, and she has the biggest teeth I have ever seen. John Elway would say, "Goddamn, those are big teeth". Even Hillary Swank would say, "Goddamn, those are big teeth". The boys and I work on a nickname for what seems like an eternity, and after heavy negotiations, we settle on "Seabisquit". I was lobbying for "Barbaro", just out of respect to a great champion, but I got overruled.
(Another quick note: I believe the phrase you're looking for is, "Wow-you're a bunch of dicks". Yeah, I know. But we're sure laughing our asses off over here. Did you laugh with your kids tonight? Didn't think so. Bite me.)
7:15- So we finally got through all the preliminary crap, and we're spelling words in the first round. Just like last year, the stage is set up so that all the spellers are on one side, and all the parents and family are sitting on the other. I'll tell you what, kids- this is one motley crew of parents. The old apples sure didn't fall far from the trees in this crowd.
Almost everyone makes it through the round, except poor little scared shitless Tussah Heera. She spoke like she was trying to pass a kidney stone, and couldn't make it through "herniorraphy". She stumbles to the other side of the stage, and collapses in tears into the arms of her father, who is wearing one of those funny nose and glasses disguises.
Holy shit- those aren't the funny nose and glasses. Dude...
7:25- Before the next round starts, they have the attractive Erin Andrews from ESPN backstage interviewing Jamaican Cosby. Right in the middle of the interview, he puts on glasses and stares directly at her boobs. Swear to God. She notices, cuts the talk short and sends it quickly back to Tom Bergeron. I do my best Cosby (which sucks, by the way) and say, "Ya see Erin, your breasts look just like... the Jello Pudding Pops". The boys crack up. The wife...not so much.
7:30- Right before Plus Sized Bon Jovi's turn, they do a little feature on her. Her hobby, when she's not spelling, is making pillows? When asked to describe herself in one word, she says "effervescent". Sam says, "Dad, does effervescent mean fat?"
I have to pause the DVR for several minutes because I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying like a little girl. This happens all the time, and annoys the shit out of Annie. It takes about 90 minutes to watch one episode of "Family Guy". I can't help it-I'm an easy laugher.
Anyway, of course ABC put the Kiss of Death on P.S. Bon Jovi, and she misses the word "conchyliated" right after the feature. So I guess you could say that she was shot through the heart, and ABC was to blame. You know what? They give TV....a BAD NAME!
(Sorry- it was right there...I had to.)
The round continues, and Shelly Marsh bombs out on "derriengue". I think it was because she lisped so badly when she said "Are there any other pronunciations?" that some drool hit the microphone and electricity arced straight to her braces, leaving her stunned for a minute. As she leaves the stage, Mike lisps "Go suck it, turds", and makes me stop the DVR again.
Goddamn, this is fun so far...
Next, in the most shocking development of the night, the heavy favorite, Ira the Jew, misses "apodyterium". He then shuffles over and sits between his parents, and holds his head in his hands. Mike says "oy- what a woid", and I mention that this is worst thing that's happened to his family since his great grandparents vacationed at Auschwitz during World War II. The Holocaust joke puts me in the early lead for Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening. I've got my fingers crossed...
7:45- We're back for round three, and we're down to seven players. Erin Andrews interviews Plus Sized Bon Jovi, and when they're side by side, it looks like one of those before and after pictures. "In just 12 weeks you can go from this....to this!"
Seabisquit comes up for her word, and Sam says, "Hey, why the long face?" DVR pause again- that one just killed me. She spells "axolotl" correctly, sits down, and straps the feedbag back on.
There's been something wrong with little Kyle Mou all night. He spells his words quickly, and then sits right down without a trace of a smile. They go to his short feature, and he says that he doesn't really like spelling- he thinks it's boring. This explains a lot- I'll bet The Donger slaps him around at home. YOU WANT TO QUIT? NO WAY, JOSE!
Frodo comes up, and his pants are hiked up so high, he has to unzip his fly so he can speak into the microphone. He spells "byssinosis", and they get a shot of his parents on the other side of the stage. His dad has a giant beard, and looks just like Yukon Cornelius in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". This works out great, because his mom closely resembles the "Abominable Snowman" from the same show. This is not a small woman.
E.T. makes it through another round, correctly spelling "iliopsous". Her grandmother claps like she's on The Price Is Right. Settle the hell down, grandma...
8:00- Everyone made it through round three, so we're still at seven. Little Kyle Mou spells his word correctly, then goes back to his chair, sits down, and stares straight ahead without any emotion. He looks like he can't wait for this to be over. I know this look- my wife gets the same expression when we're making love.
Wolf Girl advances, but she's a little too intense. She yells into the microphone when she's asking for information, like "CAN YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE!". I'll bet security guards are loading their guns with silver bullets, just in case she gets out of hand.
Jamaican Cosby gets the word "palatschinken" (a stuffed pancake, just in case you wanted to amaze your friends when you go to IHOP) , and stares at the judge like he just shit in his hat. He misses badly, and shuffles off the stage to see if he can share a doobie with Erin Andrews. I know he's going to try and "hit that" before the night's over.
Damn, there goes E.T.- she misses the word "fackeltanz". Mike says, "Ouch...". Her heartlight goes out, and she makes her way to the other side of the stage. It's too bad- with the prize money, she could have gotten surgery to bring her eyes closer to her nose, and away from her ears. What a bummer...
Dammit, down goes Seabisquit! She tanks the word "amarevole", and her dad immediately takes her out behind the barn and puts her down. I'll bet if she had won, they would have taken her to a stud farm, but instead, she'll be a bag of Dog Chow by next week. It's just tragic.
8:30- Down to four. Oops, I lied...now it's three. Kyle Mou just missed "schizaffin" (pronounced shiz-a fin), looks relieved that it's over, and then hesitantly walks to the other side of the stage, where The Donger is having a "shiz-a-fit". I'll bet a paycheck that Kyle gets beaten with a dictionary when they get back to the hotel room tonight. Nice parenting, Donger...
So we have our final three, and we immediately go to the Championship Round. They are:
Kavya- she's really flown under the radar tonight. Just pleasantly spells her words with a smile on her face, and waits for her next turn. We can't find any reason to crack on her. That pisses us off- we need to buckle down and work harder.
Wolf Girl- The eyebrows and mustache have filled out even more as the night has gone on. I'll tell you what- if she ever wants to wax that shit, the fuckin' bees are going to have to work overtime.
Frodo- He needs to lose. Instead of asking questions politely to the judges, he arrogantly says stuff like "What does that word mean?", and "Part of Speech". All the other kids say "please", but not our Frodo. I'll bet that little fucker has had more Melvins and Swirlies at school than you can count.
8:40- All three are doing great- they've coasted through the first six words. The camera pans over to Frodo's parents, and his mom is staring at Kyle Mou. It's been a few hours since she's eaten- I'll bet it's like the cartoons, and Kyle turns into a ham when she stares at him. Did I mention that she's kind of a big girl?
8:45- We have our first casualty of the final round. It's Wolf Girl- she can't negotiate "menhir". She's devastated, and can't be consoled by Wolf Parents. As a consolation prize, she is awarded a Weedeater so she can get to work on those eyebrows. Stat.
8:50- Now it's Kavya and Frodo, and we're all pulling for Kavya. We're tired of Frodo's dismissive bullshit attitude, and Kavya has remained pleasant all night.
When Frodo comes up for his word, we all start yelling "Noonan!", like when Denunzio is trying to make Danny Noonan miss his big putt in "Caddyshack" (again, if you haven't seen Caddyshack, I have no use for you).
It works! Frodo misses "maecenus" (pronounced my-seen-us), and Mike says "The sentence should have been, 'Hey! Why don't you suck maecenus!' " That was close to being over the line, but it was funnier than shit. There aren't any little kids in the room... fuck it, I'll go ahead and let him slide this time.
Okay, all Kavya has to do is spell one word, and she's the champion. That word is:
Laodicean
Kavya's dad Merle (or Shamalamadingdong, or whatever the fuck his real name is) gets a big old smile on his face. Kavya's had this word before. She nails it quickly, and she is our 2009 champion!
Back to the Klingon chat room, Frodo! You arrogant little pecker...
Kavya is quickly presented the Queen of the Dinks trophy by a guy named Richard Boehne. We can't help but wonder if his nickname growing up was "dickbone". Probably not...
Anyway, that's it for another year. Thanks for playing along once again. I think the next time we'll do something like this will be the Miss Universe pageant in August. See you then...
