Family Night and Miss Universe

So a couple of weeks ago, my family expanded our horizons a little bit, and went international. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, we have a tradition of watching beauty pageants, and spending two hours goofing on the contestants. Both of my regular readers know all about this (see archives of May/2010, and April/2009). They are some of my favorite nights, because the jokes are flying everywhere, and since the kids have gotten older, the shit that comes out of their mouths just kills me. Miss USA was in May, and I'm just now recovering from that night.

But this is the first year that we've all watched the Miss Universe pageant. I'm not sure why- probably because it happens when all the kids' fall sports start up. And I was fired up big time, because with all the foreign skank, this had the potential of being really, really fun. This was another target-rich environment for jokes.

As usual, I decided to keep a running diary of the evening. And as usual, I need to say before we start that I know that we're a bunch of shitweasels that need to find another hobby. But kids, I double dare you to have more fun with your family than we have in these two hours. I do my best, but words cannot describe what happens in my basement during beauty pageants.

So grab your scorecards, buckle up, and shit-can any possible hope of political correctness. Here we go:

8:00- Hey, boys and girls! Welcome back to the Sterner basement fortress. We're here once again with my adorable wife Annie, who will try unsuccessfully to keep the really raunchy stuff to a minimum. My older boys Mike, 15, and Sam, 14, take their usual spots in front of the TV, where they can get a good look at the various bouncing body parts, and of course yours truly will be the chubby guy in the recliner, scribbling notes like a madman.

The pageant is back in Las Vegas this year, at the Mandalay Bay. They went to Mexico a couple of years ago, and the crowd booed every time the poor USA girl came on stage. I'm surprised they didn't throw bags of piss at her, like they do at the Mexico-USA soccer games. Just a terrific country, that Mexico. If North America needed an enema, guess where it would be given?

They're starting the pageant by introducing all 83 contestants, and they're wearing costumes that represent their countries. This is going to be fun- in fact, I'm so excited, I just got a semi-chub. At my age, that's about all I can generate.

I'll just describe a few of the best, since these diaries always end up being a longer read than War and Peace.

Botswana- The first African nation introduced, and she's wearing some kind of native head-dress. Mike comes right out of the gate by making three clicking sounds, and then "Good evening-I have AIDS!" We're not two minutes in, and I have to stop the DVR for the first time to laugh until I cry like a little girl. New record (and yes, I'm very aware that we're assholes).

Egypt- Wearing a pyramid on her head- no shit. Looks like Susanna Hoffs in Walk Like An Egyptian.


Mmmm...Susanna Hoffs...

France- Has a beret and the Eiffel Tower on her head. Jesus, could you be a little more cliche? All that's missing is the white flag and an unfiltered cigarette in her hand. Goddamn, I hate the French...

Georgia- Not much of a costume, but Sam says, "She should be wearing a luge outfit, with blood all over it". Because, you know, of the guy that jumped the track at the Olympics? Too soon? I don't care- it cracked me up. Bite me.

Jamaica- She's wearing a giant butterfly costume, except that there's not much covering her body. Mike calls her a "slutterfly". Here she is:



Tanzania- Another colorful native costume, and she's carrying a gourd. Sam says, "I'll bet all of her nation's money is in that gourd". I'm a little bit proud- at least it wasn't another AIDS joke. It was a poverty joke, so there.

Turkey- Looks and dresses a lot like Lady Gaga, complete with the butter face. I have to stop the DVR for a moment while the kids and I once again argue about Lady Gaga. They think she's uglier than a sackful of assholes (my dad's old saying, thank you), but I submit that she's a homely girl with a rockin' body. A one-bagger, if you will. Let's just move on...

USA- Mike's girl Rima Fakih from the Miss USA pageant- she's sporting an outfit that looks like a gold coin. I can't believe we've never capitalized on her last name before (Fakih- me? Fakih-You!). I think we're slipping a bit.

8:15- Well, that nonsense is finally over, and it's time to meet our hosts. This is important- they've had some really annoying ones the past few years (see:Billy Bush). They come out- it's once again Natalie Morales from the Today Show (not too bad- she's cute), and...Bret Michaels?


Fuck...me...

This is going to be bad- we can feel it. He's wearing his Hulk Hogan doo-rag and squinting to see the cue cards. They're out there for 10 seconds before Natalie nudges him that it's his turn to speak. Long two hours coming up here, kids...

8:20- Okay, they're going to cut the group down to the top 15, This has to suck for the other 68 contestants, because they're on TV for like five seconds, and then they're down the road. But if you think about it, in most of those countries, it's either the middle of the night (Europe, Asia), or they don't have TV's there (Africa). So, I guess...fuck 'em.

Here are the highlights of the top 15:

Puerto Rico- She's tall, blonde, and skinny. No way in hell she's Puerto Rican. Shit, I look more Puerto Rican than she does.

Mexico- This is Mike and Sam's pick to win it all. She is beautiful, except she borrowed Priscilla Presley's eyelashes from the 60's. They're freakishly long. It shows how old I'm getting, when the first thing I notice on a gorgeous woman is her eyelashes.

Ireland- Stop the presses! Here's my pick right here. Also, I think Mike may have changed his mind. He cups his hands and speaks into then like he's on a PA system. "Calling Dr. Boner! Dr. Boner, please report to my pants...". DVR pause again- I spit out a mouthful of Diet Pepsi and laugh like a jackyl for two minutes.

South Africa- We all make the sound of those goddamn horns from the World Cup, and I get to bring out one of my favorite movie lines of all time, spoken by the bad South African guy from Lethal Weapon 2. He holds his badge up, and yells, "Diplomatic immunity!", right before Danny Glover shoots him in the head. I say it every time I see a South African, which makes Annie want to shoot me in the head. (See right below this article for the clip)

Jamaica- The Slutterfly got through! She'll now ask all the remaining contestants if she can braid their hair for $10, or if they want to buy some of her useless bullshit trinkets. I had a bad experience in Jamaica a few years ago. Won't be going back to the island anytime soon.

And for the first time I can remember, there is no Miss USA in the top 15! Holy cow, Rima must have farted in front of the judges- that's the only way she doesn't advance. I think we got Fakih'd on that one.

8:35- We're back from commercial, and Bret Michaels is staring off into space. Natalie literally elbows him to shock him back to reality. You can tell that she's not enjoying her experience with a burned out 80's singer. I'll bet he's the most annoying person she's worked with since Katie Couric.

Fuck, I hate Katie Couric...

Okay, boys and girls, it's swimsuit time!

And tonight, they're going to be strutting to the sounds of "Viva Elvis!", which I guess is a new show out there in Vegas. Uh-oh, there's that semi-chub again. Ladies and gentlemen, please start your impersonations and dead Elvis jokes!

C'mon, sing with me kids- its' fun! "Viva...fat dead Elvis...."

Okay, here's Miss Puerto Rico. I still say she's really from Canada- no way she's a native. You tell me:

Miss Ukraine is okay, but she has that Eastern European quality about her. You know, pretty but a little bit hagged out? Here she is:

Maybe I've just been getting too many emails from Russia that have a picture and a marriage proposal. Shit, I'm not taking any of those seriously until the kids get out of the house. After that, who knows? My children could have a 19 year old stepmom named Svetlana.

"Viva...drug addiction...."

Here comes Miss Australia- tall, pretty, but smaller up top than most of the other contestants. This prompts Mike to tell me, "Dad, girls are like rocks. You want to skip the flat ones". I've never heard that one- DVR pause again while I giggle for a minute.

Jamaica appears, and the Slutterfly forgot to apply the butt glue. Or maybe it was on purpose. Whatever, the tiny swimsuit is currently riding way, way up there. Kids, that is one hungry ass! She'll need the jaws of life to free up that wedgie.

"Viva, white jumpsuit...."

Here's Albania, and wow, this girl has amazingly large boobs. As she's walking down the runway, I turn the DVR to super-slow motion, and it's like a seismic event with every step. I start making rumbling sounds- you know, like when Godzilla stomps down the streets of Tokyo? I say, "Can you imagine doing a motorboat with those?"

Mike says, "Dad, don't worry about it. You're so old, all you can do these days is run to the end of the chain and bark". After taking a moment to ask my oldest son if he wouldn't mind kissing my fuzzy ass, I look over, and Annie has her head in her hands, and her whole body is shaking because she's laughing so hard. I tell her to shut the crap up.

"Viva, dyin' on the shitter..."

It's Mexico's turn- yeah, she's really good looking. Mike and Sam reiterate that they think she's going to win. I'm reserving judgement until I see my girl from Ireland. Speaking of which...

Here she comes. She is a vision in her tiny, Donald Trump inspired bikini. She's blonde, and proportioned just right. As she walks down the runway, I imagine her wearing the crown. She's the winner- no doubt about it.

Wait a second...

Annie sees it first. She says, "Oh no- she's got a cameltoe!" As she gets closer to the camera, it becomes more and more apparent. But boys and girls, this is no ordinary cameltoe. There is something major going on down there. The bulge is huge. I'm talking "Crying Game" here, guys.

We run it back and forth a few times, and I stop the DVR at just the right moment. Mike runs over to the TV, points to the spot, and in the same voice as the guy that announces the monster truck rally, yells:

"CAMEL HOOF!!"

9:00- It's been 15 minutes. The kids have literally had time to go upstairs and get a snack. I'm almost 52 years old, and aside from that time my older brother Dale got hit in the nuts with a golf ball, this might be the hardest I've laughed in my entire life. I am an absolute quivering mass in my recliner. My shirtsleeves are wet from wiping tears out of my eyes, and my stomach feels like I've done a hundred sit-ups. I was not expecting "camel hoof" in the monster truck voice.

I'll try to watch the rest of the pageant, but I'm pretty much done. Everything else is going to be anticlimactic. I'm still rooting for her, but I'm certain I won't be looking at Miss Ireland the same ever again.

Okay, they're cutting down to the top 10. Here we go:

Ireland- Way to go, camelhoof! She's 5'11", and her hobbies are playing the piano, and tucking in her junk.

Albania- She counts as two spots- one for her, and one for her gigantic knockers. There's a word you don't hear much any more. I'm bringing it back. Knockers.

Phillipines- She's 5'9", and her hobbies include picking up American soldiers while they're on shore leave. Love you long time, Joe...five buck.

Jamaica- She's 5'10", and she likes kickboxing, self wedgies, and selling worthless shit to tourists. Yeah, I'm still bitter. Could have been a nice vacation.

Puerto Rico- 5'8", and enjoys acting. She's currently acting as if she was born in Puerto Rico.

Ukraine- 5'9"- 22 years old. No fuckin' way she's a day under 40. That's a big fibski right there, comrade.

Guatamala- 5'7", and loves designing handbags. Her 12 little brothers and sisters are hard at work right now, sewing together those handbags for 23 cents a day.

South Africa- The boys and I make the horn sounds again. I didn't think she'd make the top 10- I say that she must have gotten...DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY! Annie tells me to shut the fuck up.

Australia- Who says you need boobs to make the top 10? She's 5'10, and looks a lot like Miley Cyrus. The boys and I decide that we're calling her Hannah Australia for the rest of the pageant.

Mexico- No question- she's the favorite now. She's 5'9", and Sam says "her hobbies are swimming across rivers and climbing fences". Nice illegal immigration reference, Sam. I'm so proud right now, I could just shit.

They're heading to break, but not before Bret Michaels says, "the ladies will stoon step into their evening gowns". Yep, he said "stoon". You can actually hear Natalie Morales' ass clench up. It's 6/5 she offs herself before the end of the show.

9:15- Evening gown time. Nobody likes this part- this is way too cultured for assholes like us. They will be accompanied by a special medley by superstar John Legend. We take a quick survey in the basement, and nobody knows who the fuck John Legend is. We already miss Trace Atkins from the Miss USA pageant.

Miss Ireland has a nice outfit, and it actually manages to hide The Hoof. No small feat, that one. God help me- I can't stop wondering what the hell is happening down there in Crotchland. This will haunt my dreams for the foreseeable future. She may be Irish, but I'll bet it's not magically delicious in that region.

Puerto Rico comes out in a pink gown, with a giant bow in the back. I say it's a preview for the size of her ass the moment she turns 30.

Mexico- Beautiful red gown- she'll have to screw this thing up giant to lose tonight. She's the Barbaro of beauty pageant contestants. Wait- that's a bad example. I just fed my dog a can of Barbaro this morning.

Here's Hannah Australia. Nice outfit- booby fairy didn't come during the commercial. Bummer, mate.

Whoa, the fairy came for Miss Guatamala. She's wearing a really, really tight gold gown- boobage is seeping out all over the place. Those ninos are mucho grande.

The rest of the girls do their thing, but nobody really stands out for us. The one thing we all agree on is that John Legend sucks. He should change his name to John Cougar Mediocre.

9:30- Time to quickly introduce the judges. Most of them are either fashion people, or Trump minions. But there's Billy Baldwin, who looks like he's still on the drugs, Chyna Phillips of Wilson Phillips fame, who used to be great looking but now resembles Skelator, and magician Criss Angel. The kids and I all yell "MIND FREAK!" at the same time. We may be spending too much time together.

9:35- Kids, we're down to the final five! They are:

Mexico- Gee, no shit.

Phillipines- If this keeps up, she may be charging 10 buck to love you long time.

Ukraine- If she wins, she's going to have to confess to Trump that not only is she not 22, she has kids that are 22.

Jamaica- Hungry Butt Slutterfly is still here. The boys sing Buffalo Soldiers as she walks to her spot. Reminds me just how much reggae sucks, and what a bad experience I had in Jamaica.

Hannah Australia- She was also Miss Congeniality, which normally is the Kiss of Death for beauty contestants. We'll see if she can break the jinx.

That's five, which means that my "girl" Miss Ireland is history. I'm disappointed, and I feel so...dirty.

9:45- Time for the final question. This is the only place that Mexico can mess this thing up, and she has to go first.

She gets the question from American figure skater Evan Lysacek, who has slicked back hair and looks like Gay Superman.

See?

He asks about whether unfiltered internet use should be allowed. She doesn't speak English, so she launches into a long answer that lasts around 30 seconds. The interpreter then steps in and says, "she says the parents should teach good values". I don't know what happened to the other part of her answer- only the interpreter and 98% of the workers in Vegas know what she said. Dammit, why can't the whole world speak American?

(Writer's note- If the internet ever gets filtered, I'm out of business.)

Australia- Nicky Taylor asks if religious clothing should be banned in schools, and Hannah gives a very well thought out response about personal freedoms. I'd say she has a good chance to win after that answer, but alas, still no boobies.

Jamaica- Someone named Tamryn Hall asks about whether she agrees with the death penalty. She says she's against it, unless it happens to be an American that doesn't buy her beads and shit. Okay, I made that last part up.

Ukraine- Jane Seymour, who is still knockout gorgeous at age 59, asks whether the new scanners at airports show too much of the travelers body. Ukraine seems relaxed, probably because she and Jane are the same age. She says she doesn't mind, but that's easy for her to say- she has a nice body. Personally, I don't want to see an image of my chubby ass on a video screen, but that's just me.

Phillipines- Billy Baldwin snaps out of his coma long enough to ask her what was her biggest mistake. Sam says "Other than being born in the Phillipines?". She said she's never really made a big mistake- comes across really arrogant. Bye, now...

9:55- We're ready to announce the final winners, and then Natalie Morales can take Bret Michaels backstage and hit him with a chair until he has another stroke. Bret Michaels was a very bad idea, Trump. Don't ever do that again.

Drumroll, please...

4th runnerup: Phillipines- snotty answer about never making a mistake killed her. She'll have to keep her price at five buck.

3rd runnerup: Ukraine- she overachieved. I don't think she should have been in the top 10. She has a good shot at being Miss AARP, though.

2nd runnerup: Australia- I was hoping she would do better. But alas...you know the rest.

That leaves Jamaica and Mexico. I'm not a fan of either country, so I officially don't give a shit anymore. But the boys have liked Mexico since the original Parade of Nations, so let's see if they called it right...

Yep, it's Mexico. I guess Mike and Sam have bragging rights until next year. Actually, Mike called both Miss USA and Miss Universe correctly- I think he's the first in our family to do the double. That makes him either a great judge of beauty, or a giant poof. I think it's the latter.

So there you go, boys and girls. Thanks once again for spending some time with us warped bastards. I think this is the most fun I've ever had for one of our "family nights"- I hope I was able to convey the carnage that is our basement during a pageant.

Oh- just one more thing...

CAMEL HOOF!

My Favorite Movie Line

Now every time you see someone from South Africa, you can say it too!

Dawgs Open New Season With Win

The Dawgs I team got a flying start to the new EAHL season last tuesday night, when they doubled up a very good Dr. 5 Hole squad, 6-3. If the game was any indication of the talent level of this winter's league, this should be one exciting season.

After taking the summer off, Tyson Dale and Daniel Pham celebrated a successful return to the team, with Dale scoring two goals, and linemate Pham chipping in with one. Shaun Hollis, who this week joined another team to expand his hockey experience, also scored, while defensemen Rick Zimmat and Tito Pijanowski banged in one apiece.


Pham, left with Dale

After surrendering a goal on his first shot, goalie Al Sterner settled down a little bit, giving up just two more for the rest of the game. He got a solid effort from his defense, along with a terrific backchecking effort from the forwards, who limited quality shots from a really fast Dr. 5 Hole squad. Sterner is nursing an ankle injury that has sidelined him for the past month, and it showed in his early performance.



Sterner- 1st period

5 Hole opened the scoring around four minutes into the contest, and then doubled the lead halfway through the period, when Sterner was beaten on a screen shot from the top of the right circle. It was looking pretty bleak for the good guys, but Hollis was able to cut the lead in half before the end of the frame, so it was just 2-1 heading to the second.

It appeared that the Dawgs flipped a switch during the intermission, because they came out flying in the second. Pijanowski, aka the "Polish Prince", tied the contest early in the period, shocking everybody by leaving his defensive position and cashing in from in front of the opposing net.

Soon after that, Pham and Dale each put in their first of the night, and what was once a deficit was quickly a two goal lead. Meanwhile, the Dawgs defense did a nice job holding Dr. 5 Hole scoreless in the second, which didn't seem possible after their fast start. So the Dawgs went to the third up 4-2, but the lead in no way felt safe considering the quality of the opponent.

But the Dawgs made things a little more comfortable, when Dale got his second of the game with around 10 minutes remaining. But 5 Hole struck back with four minutes left, when Sterner was beaten by a sniper to the top corner of the net.

But 52 year old defenseman Rick Zimmat put the game out of range with two minutes remaining, when he ripped a shot from the circle that deflected off of the 5 Hole goalie's stick and into the corner of the cage.

The Dawgs will now try to add to their good start tonight, when they take on a brand new EAHL team called The Nooks. Game time is set for 9:30.

In other Dawgs news:

The Dawgs welcomed two new players to the squad this week. The first is former Ozone player Michael Slutzky, whose last name is Russian for "dirty whore". The second is Brandon Pham, the younger brother of Dawgs veteran Daniel. This is not the first time that the Pham brothers have played on the same team:


Daniel, right

This week Dawgs forward Brad Stabio introduced his young son Oliver to the family tradition of wearing a really stupid hat. Oliver was just overjoyed at the prospect:


"Does this mean I'm a homo too, dad?"

This week Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis announced that we will now also be playing for the Purple Cobras in the EAHL C-3 league. He scored two goals in his first game against Dawgs II, and because of that success, then announced he would be playing in one additional league where he was certain to excel:


Click to enlarge

Dawgs center Josh Adams points to the spot where he really likes having sex:


Don't even have to knock-just go right in the back door

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson announced this week that he has taken over coaching a seven year old girl's soccer team. He may need to rethink his choice of game attire.

Little Ball of Hate, Jr.

So I was watching my oldest kid Mike playing in a pre-season soccer scrimmage last Saturday afternoon. He's 15, and a sophomore at Arvada West High School. During play, the goalie on his team went up for a ball, got control of it, and then got upended by a Smoky Hills player who came in late trying to get a head on it. It was a borderline dirty play, because goalies are so vulnerable when they're up in the air. Plus it was just a scrimmage, so kids shouldn't be anywhere near colliding with goalies under the circumstances. Here's a great picture of it:


Didn't end well

Our keeper went down hard, and got pretty shaken up. He stayed on the ground for some time, while our coach came out to check on him. Apparently while they were all waiting, one of their players said something like "Stop being gay, get up and play soccer".

Well, Mike happened to be close enough to hear the remark, and went over to have a little discussion with their guy. Of course, I was on the sidelines, well out of earshot, so I didn't have any idea what was going on.

I looked over, and it appeared at first that they were just having a regular conversation. Then Mike stepped a little closer to the Smoky Hill guy, and stuck his finger in his face. Next thing you know, they were nose to nose and needed to be pulled apart by some teammates. Well, that's not quite right. The other kid was about six inches taller than Mike. It was more like nose to throat.

Play started a couple of minutes later, and it turned out that the same two players were going for a loose ball near my sideline. They were running side by side, and right when they got to the ball, Mike dipped his shoulder and blasted the Smoky Hill kid with a perfectly legal bump, sending him stumbling out of the play. I don't think the kid was expecting the hit, and it pissed him right off.

The ball went upfield, and Mike challenged another one their players for the ball. It was a taller, blond kid with a great big Jew-Fro. Just as the kid kicked the ball away, Mike came in, stuck a shoulder into his chest, and then gave him a great two-handed shove. The guy he originally had a problem with came running up and said "Don't push him again! You wanna go?". I guess that's a challenge for a fight.

Mike said, "Yeah, let's go, dickfuck". The Smoky Hill kid said, "What are you, four feet tall?" Mike smiled and calmly replied, "Yeah, four feet. No problem- let's go." Then they got separated again, the Smoky Hill coach took his player out of the game, and they were done for the rest of the scrimmage.

Now, please don't get the idea that I'm telling you all this because I'm proud of his actions out there (though I have to admit I'm a little impressed by the creativity of the word dickfuck) . Honestly, I'm pretty pleased that he stuck up for his teammate, and that he won't shy away from physical play. At this level, sometimes you need to bang a little bit, and the timid kids aren't going to last very long. But I don't want him to come out talking shit every game unless he's provoked, or he's standing up for one of his buddies.

Here's why I'm relating the story to you. Because for the first time last Saturday, I watched him play, and I saw me. You see, when I was a younger man, I was what the hockey players like to call a "Little Ball of Hate".

What is that? Well, that's a term given to a guy with a smaller size that needs to show that he's not afraid to play with the big boys. You come to the game angry, and stay that way until it's over. You're not intimidated, and you're not shy about getting physical and talking trash. Sometimes you get your ass kicked, but you'd rather have that happen than back down from a confrontation.

You little guys out there know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?

And that's what I saw in Mike last Saturday. His body is very similar to what mine was when I was his age. He's actually a little taller than I was at the time (5'3" vs. around 5'1"), but the small frame he has is built like a brick shithouse. He has a low center of gravity, and thick legs, so he's pretty hard to move. He's not little- he's short. And there is a huge difference between those two things. Here he is:


Good lookin' kid, eh? Takes after his mom

As I watched him during his little episode Saturday, I got a flashback from around 35 years ago, when I was playing soccer for Pomona High School. I was a sophomore, just like Mike, and it was the only season I've ever played that I wasn't a goalie. The keeper we had was a senior, and much, much better than me, so I played sweeper, which is the last line of defense.

During a game against Columbine (yep, that Columbine), our goalie Steve picked up a ball in our penalty area. Back at that time, a keeper could roll the ball along the ground in that area, and then pick it back up again, gaining ground for the punt upfield. The rule's changed since then- now once it's on the ground, you can't pick it up- you have to play it with your feet.

So Stever rolled the ball, and right as he picked it back up, a lanky Columbine player ran over and banged into him pretty hard. Steve punted the ball upfield, and as we jogged together, I told the guy that he had better not run into my goalie again. Then the fucker laughed at me. Looking back, I can't really blame him- shit, he was about 9 inches taller than me. But at the time, your little pal got what my dad calls "the ol' red-ass". Somehow, some way, I was going to get a chunk of that dickhole. The only thing that could have made me madder was if he had patted my head.

Then about five minutes later, the exact same thing happened. Steve picked up the ball, and this time the kid came into him hard. Cleated Stever right above his shin guard. I guess the ref didn't see it, because he didn't call anything. Steve kind of winced, but shook it off and hit the punt back upfield. The Columbine guy smiled at me as he ran by.

Again, back in the old days, there were only two referees in soccer. One on each sideline, where linemen stand today. There was no middle ref like they have now. That's a lot of field for two guys to patrol, and they couldn't watch everything.

At least, that's what I was hoping.

Stever punted the ball way up in the air, and I took a quick glance to make sure Mr. Referee was following the flight of the ball. I saw the Columbine jagoff about 15 yards in front of me, standing with his back turned. Big mistake, son. I took off, and was at ramming speed when I got to him.

Because of our height difference, I stuck my shoulder right in the middle of his back, and actually heard the air go out of the cocksucker when I hit him. His neck snapped back, and I got to hear what 170 pounds of shit sounds like when it hits the ground. In retrospect, I probably could have really hurt him, but I didn't give a flying fuck at the time. I was The Little Ball of Hate, and he had hit my goalie twice. And laughed at me. So, you know...fuck him.

The ref came running over, and the kid hadn't regained his breath yet. He just rolled back and forth, and pointed at me. The ref said, "What happened?" I said, "The ball was up in the air, and we just ran into each other. We hit pretty hard- my shoulder must have got him somewhere. That really hurt- he's a lot bigger than me. But I think I'm okay." I rubbed my shoulder and bent over a little to sell it better.

By that time, the other kid had gotten his breath back. "He cheap shotted me from behind! Red card! Red card!"

I shrugged. "We just ran into each other. Look how much bigger he is than me. I'm not stupid." He was still on the ground, so I stuck out my hand to help him up. "You okay, buddy?" Believe it or not, he didn't take my hand. The ref said, "Let's just play soccer, guys", and ran back to the sideline.

As the ref took his place, the Columbine guy said, "I'm going to kick your ass". I said "You think that hurt? Come near my goalie again, and I'm going for your fuckin' knees."

So that was pretty much the way I was through high school and young adulthood. Well, actually it was until my thirties, when I finally grew up a little bit and knocked that shit off. But I always played hard, just with a little bit of chippiness. And I always ran my mouth, especially if I was provoked.

In other words, I was just the kind of guy that I love to hate these days. But dammit, I was good at it. I could turn a phrase with the best of them- I had hundreds of ways of questioning a guy's sexuality. Wait...I still do that, but not when I'm playing anymore. Just when I'm busting balls in the locker room, or on this blogsite.

It's a lot different now. I've been around so long, I know most of the guys I play with and against, and we're pretty cordial. Shit, the closest I ever get to nasty anymore is when I'm sitting on the front porch, yelling at the local hooligans to get off my lawn while I whittle.

Looking back, I'm not very proud of my behavior during those years. And like I said before, I don't want Mike or any of my kids to be like that as a regular thing. But when it's necessary- when one of my guys needs to stand up for himself or a teammate, or if play gets a little nasty, I don't want any of them to be afraid to get their nose dirty. Like Keanu Reeves says in The Replacements, "Pain heals...chicks dig scars...glory...lasts forever" (goddamn, I love a good Keanu Reeves reference).

And when you're our size, sometimes the only way to survive is to morph into the Little Ball of Hate. Or Little Ball of Hate, Jr.