Dawg Nation Pounds Purple Cobras, 6-1

It took a little time, but the Dawg Nation squad seems to be back in decent form.

After a nut-crushing three game funk, in which they lost to Blue Line, Flyers, and Healthy Scratch, the good guys might have finally righted the ship. Two weeks ago, they played pretty well in getting past a shorthanded Big Johnsons team by a 9-5 score. But last Monday night, they played their best game of the season, completely dominating the first place Purple Cobras, 6-1.

The Canadian tandem of Jon Jay and Jon Ripley, who have been playing together since Christ was a Boy Scout, combined for five of the six goals. Dawg Nation's youngest player Loren "L.T." Toth notched his fourth of the season to round out the scoring.

Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner harkened back to his younger days, like when he was 50, and came within 21 seconds of picking up his first shutout since, well...ever. The entire Dawgs defensive unit and backcheckers were terrific in holding the Purple Cobras star Shaun Hollis scoreless for the first time this season.

Dawg Nation came out on their front foot in the first period, and scored three before the end of the frame. Cobras goalie Timmy Kmetz, who also plays for Dawgs I on Tuesday nights, was victimized by shots that were either point blank or rebounds that his defensemen couldn't clean up.

The Dawgs added two more in the second to make it 5-0, and the way the boys were playing defense and backchecking, it was pretty much game over at that point. Every time Hollis touched the puck, he had several players up his ass, especially former linemate and synchronized swimming partner Matty McGarvey.


McGarvey, top

Dawg Nation put up one more goal in the third to make the margin six, and the only question at that point was whether the old veteran Sterner was going to hang on to his clean sheet. But Sterner's fate was sealed at the end of the second period, when Dawgs forward Rhett Brantley said the word "shutout", and everyone but Brantley knows that's the kiss of death.


Brantley

Sure as shit, with 21 seconds remaining, a Purple Cobras player took a shot from the slot that beat Sterner to his stick side, and the dream was over. But on the bright side, the goal wasn't scored by Sterner's former teammate Hollis. In fact, it was the first game this season that not only had Hollis been held scoreless, it was the first game in which he hadn't scored at least a hat trick. Hollis just might be playing in the wrong league.


Hollis

Dawg Nation now has a huge game coming up Wednesday night, when they face their brother team, Dawgs II. Dawgs II will be out for revenge after losing this season's first Dawg Fight, 4-3 on opening night. Game time is 10:00.

In other Dawg Nation news:

Timmy Kmetz threw himself on a grenade last Sunday afternoon, playing in a special exhibition in which the best of Dawg Nation faced off against the talented junior team Yellowstone Quake. Despite Kmetz playing his ass off, the Dawgs got hammered 10-3, and Timmy has had a little problem shaking off the loss.


"Please...make...it...stop..."

Recently while in Europe, Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio was arrested for ventilating his balls over a storm drain while holding a baby, and wearing a really stupid hat.


You have to know the laws in a foreign country, Stabs

Dawg Nation forward Jon Ripley shaved his beard and just wore a mustache for November Men's Health Awareness Month (or Movember). He now looks just like a movie star.


But not from the waist down...

Dawg Nation captain Drew Johns has moved on from Movember, and is now sporting a beard that will celebrate Douche December.


Jesus Tap Dancin' Christ...
(p.s.- Goddamn, I love Facebook)

This week Dawg Nation's Colorado Avalanche liaison Jake Godber announced that he would be leaving the organization. He has signed on to do the sequel to the movie Anchorman, in which Ron Burgundy gets the AIDS.


Welcome to the blog, Jake. Uh...this picture just might come up again, by the way.

Old Dawgs Win Again, 6-2

With six games played in the winter SDOHL campaign, it's looking more and more like a two team race for the regular season championship. And last Thursday night, the Old Dawgs stayed a fragile point ahead of Touchstone Imaging by hammering the Over 40's, 6-2.

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson celebrated his return from his convention of the Financial Advisors Guild (F.A.G.) by scoring his third and fourth goals of the season. After piling up a ton of early season assists, Dan Cashman finally lit the lamp with his first of the year, while recent addition Rand Peterson also opened his account with his first.

But the real story was former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman. With his family and friends from the frozen tundra of North Dakota in the audience, Freeman rose to the occasion and banged in two goals. It was the first multi-goal game of Freeman's young hockey career, and completely eclipsed every one of his achievments as a college football player.


Freeman

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner returned from a groin injury just in time to be mediocre, but his teammates scored plenty of goals in helping him to his fourth win of the season.


Wow-hardly any net showing at all. Glove might work better actually open...

The game was only 35 seconds old when Freeman scored his first goal, taking a nice feed from Cashman, who picked up his SDOHL leading sixth assist. But the Over 40's equalized six minutes later, when Wayne Faust took a clean face off win by John Ling, and fired a wrister past Sterner.

The Old Dawgs hit the front once again just 1:15 into the second period, when Dan Cashman got his long awaited first goal of the winter season. He received a pass from substitute Frenchman Bern Levesque, skated in front of the net, and tucked the puck just inside the goalpost.


Cashman

The Dawgs doubled their lead six minutes later, when Marty Richardson converted a Jimmy Tiernan pass into his third of the year. But the Over 40's came right back at the ten minute mark, when Jay Scolnick found himself wide open with the puck in front of the net. He took his time, made a quick move to his left, then slid the puck under Sterner's outstretched goal stick and into the net.

Freeman made the lead more comfortable right before the end of the middle frame, when he got his second of the game. The two goals made his wife very proud, because even though she had been to many of the previous games in his athletic career, this was the first time he had actually made it off the bench and played.

The Old Dawgs put the game out of reach midway in the third, when Richardson took a great pass from behind the net by Eddie Cribbs, and converted a beauty into the top corner past Over 40's goalie Alan Callison. Rand Peterson finished the Dawgs scoring right near the end, making a great individual effort, and beating Callison for his first of the season.

The Dawgs now have a tough one coming up before the Thanksgiving break, when they take on a very good  Touchstone Imaging team. Touchstone leads the SDOHL in scoring by a wide margin, and should give goalie Al Sterner and his tender groin a workout. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward/defenseman Eddie Cribbs might want to take a different approach in his quest to meet women.


Subtle...

Defensemen Greg Clinard and Jimmy Tiernan showed this week that they are more than just partners during the game.


Geez, Jimmy, you can't wait for the locker room?

This week, after their final little league soccer match, Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson went out and got drunk with his daughter Alexi. They paid a severe price the next morning.


At least Alexi has her Scooby Doo ice bag. Bitchin' hair, Cap.

Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan joined in this week at the Occupy Denver demonstration. Unfortunately, he got a little confused, and thought he was at a rally to re-elect President Eisenhower.


It's starting to slip away, isn't it Sully... 

Hey, Who Wants Dessert?

So I was driving past my local frozen yogurt shop the other night. When I looked up at the sign, it sure made their product look a lot less appetizing:



Of course this cracked me up, because I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old. When I got home, I showed this picture to my oldest son Mike. We shared a laugh, but then we decided to take it one step further. We put our heads together and thought of some of the flavors they might be featuring. Since then, it has become kind of a family project, with contributions from most of the group.

So with apologies to Baskin Robbins, here are the 31 flavors on our menu so far:

Rocky Load

Man Nog

Nutterscotch

Spunkberry

Cum Raisin

Spermin' Chocolate Cake

Jamaican Jizz Jamboree

Tapioca Surprise

Cock n' Handy (you have to think a little on that one)

Money Shot Sherbet

Penis Butter Parfait

Wet Dream Supreme

Drained Nut Crunch

Jackoff Jubilee

Chocolate Malted Balls Milk

Asti Spew-Mante

Tooty Fruity Spooty

Red Rocket Ripple

Bubble Cum (available with cummy bears)

Blue-ball-berry

Banana Nut-Blast

Future Baby Batter

Oreo-Gasm

Not Your Mom's Rice Pudding

Uncle Tony's Immaculate Ejaculate

Climax Cluster

Two Scoops O' Goop

Grampa's Happy Ending

Dong Discharge Delight

Cream of Ralph

Vanilla

Immature? Oh, hell yeah, but we've been laughing for the better part of two days, so there's that, I guess. If you've read any of the beauty pageant or spelling bee articles, you already know that we're not exactly the Huxtable family.

Hey, if you can think of any other flavors, feel free to put something in the comments. We're a reader friendly blogsite- I'd love to see something from you guys. Use your imagination, kids.

Old Dawgs Stay On Top With 3-1 Victory

The Old Dawgs remained at the top of the SDOHL table this week, thanks to a gritty 3-1 win against B&K Supply last Thursday night. Their 12 points keeps them one clear of Touchstone Imaging, in what should be a tight race all season long.

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to miss the game, because he was in San Francisco attending the semi-annual convention of the Financial Advisors Guild (FAG). And team leading scorer Mario Lopez couldn't make the game until the middle of the second period, because he claims he has an important role at Sports Authority. Also, solid defenseman Dave Chamberlin was gone, leaving the Dawgs a little short on the blue line.

So when your two leading scorers are gone, and you're facing the toughest goalie in the SDOHL in young Timmy Kmetz, who do you turn to?


Holy shit- Wimmer?

Yes, forward Mike Wimmer, who only started playing hockey last year and has improved every time he steps on the ice, came through huge for his team by scoring his first and second goals of the winter season. John Thielen also popped in his first, and Dan Cashman added two assists, giving him five for the campaign, which leads the league.


Cashman

Goalie Doug Witschger, filling in for Al Sterner, who complained of a very mysterious groin injury, had a terrific game, turning aside 20 out of 21 shots. The Old Dawgs defense, including Greg Clinard, Jimmy Tiernan, Eddie Cribbs, and a split game by Lopez and sub Rodney Saunders, played very well in limiting the quality shots against Witschger.

The Dawgs struck first just under five minutes into the first, when John Thielen gathered a Dan Cashman shot, and slid the puck under Kmetz pads and in the back of the net. Ten minutes later, Wimmer got his first, when he stuffed in a rebound off of another Cashman shot to double the Old Dawgs lead.

The Dawgs got some reinforcements in the second period, when Lopez and Eric Wilks arrived. Now with 12 skaters, the boys made it 3-0, when Wimmer took a Greg Clinard pass, and fired a wrister to Kmetz' stick side. The puck snuck in just inside the post, and the Dawgs had an unlikely comfortable lead heading to the third.

B&K closed the gap to 3-1 six minutes into the final frame, on a goal by Dawgs II player Paul Schuette. But that was as close as the game would get, as B&K was held to only five shots in the period.

The Old Dawgs will try to continue the good play tonight, when they face the Over 40's at 8:45.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Tito Pijanowski's recovery from heart surgery isn't going as well as he'd hoped. Doctors say he may have lost a little too much weight while trying to stay sexually active.


At least the cheesy mustache is gone

Because of all his recent hockey success, this week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan got an endorsement contract to sell a beer that nobody has ever heard of.


"Hey girls...does my pasty white body and tiny chest look good to you? No? Then you need to drink a whole lot more of this shit right here..."

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson surprised even himself, when he set a new record at the FAG convention in San Francisco this week. He was able to cram a grand total of four dicks in his ass.


Sweet muscle shirt, Cap...

Goalie Al Sterner claimed that he missed the game due to a groin injury suffered while playing earlier in the week. Further investigation has revealed that he was actually injured while performing his new part-time job.


"Love in an elevator..."