The 10 Worst Movies Ever (Part One)

Earlier this year, I posted a list of songs that I considered to be the worst ever. If you want to revisit it, just archive back to February of 2009. It was fun, and I got some great feedback telling me I was an idiot, and Eric Clapton is God. Whatever...

The only regret I have on that list is that I didn't include the Alanis Morissette song, "My Hand In Pocket". She shrieks through that entire piece of shit, and some of the lyrics are:

"Cuz I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a piece sign!"

Just fucking attrocious. And she looks just a little bit like Mr. Ed, which doesn't help much.


Hey Alanis, why the long face?

Anyway, this last weekend I took my older kids to see the movie "Zombieland", and we had a ball. It had the regular blood and gore that you would expect in a horror movie, but it was really cleverly written, filmed well and funnier than shit. Best movie I've seen this year. Just a kick-ass way to spend a couple of hours.

(And yes, I do realize that I took a 13 and 14 year old kid to an R rated movie. Just a bunch of "F-bombs" and blood and guts- no nudity, so just settle down, okay? You may not want to believe this, but your kids say "fuck" when you're not around. They really do. So take a deep breath, and unclench your asses.)

Enjoying the movie that much, I started thinking about the times when I wasted two hours of my life watching a bad film. Believe me, there were a lot more of those than the good ones. So since I've been hurting for something to write about, and there aren't any spelling bees or beauty pageants coming up for me to make fun of, I decided to list 10 of the suckiest movies I've ever seen. If suckiest is a word...

Here we go...


10. Terms Of Endearment

Yeah, I know what you're thinking- "This guy is full of shit- this was an Academy Award winner". Just hear me out on this, okay?

If I'm going to plunk down $10 to see a movie, it works a lot better for me if I don't want to blow my goddamn brains out at the end of the show. The only bright spot in the whole movie was the fact that it was Debra Winger that died at the end. If she could have found a way to take Shirley Maclaine with her, that would have been even better.

Another one like that was "The Wrestler" with Mickey Rourke. Well written, really well acted, but just a complete bummer. I kept waiting for something good to happen, and it just kept getting sadder and sadder.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry, but that's not how I get movie enjoyment. I need stuff to blow up, dick jokes, and guys to fart on each other. I want to feel good at the end, and not anxious to go home and suck on the tailpipe of my car. Jesus...

9. Days Of Thunder

This stinker has Tom Cruise as a NASCAR driver named Cole Trickle, and Nicole Kidman as... wait for it...a brain surgeon. Not sure which one is more unlikely.

Cole is this cocky rookie who just drives by the seat of his pants, until he crashes, and he loses his nerve. But after much soul-searching, he finds his way again, and wins the big one in the end.

Any of that sound familiar? I imagine it does- it's the fucking plot for the movie "Top Gun". Tom was sort of in that movie four years earlier. The funny part is that Tom Cruise wrote the script for "Days of Thunder". Did he think that we'd forget? I'll bet he got out his old Top Gun script, whited out "Maverick", and wrote "Cole Trickle" over the spot when it dried. I'd bet the house on it.

And while we're on the subject...

8. Top Gun

I can hear you now at home, or in your office, or in your car looking at your Blackberry while you drive. Pay attention to the road, you unsafe wanker.

"I love that movie! Maverick rules! You're a dickhole!"

Just chillax for a second. I have a few problems with this little piece of cinema.

And I'm not a dickhole.

1) Kelly McGillis- Just hated her in this. Out of all the bombshells they could have gotten for that part, they picked Kelly Fuckin' McGillis? Bad bleach job, huge dark eyebrows, just...icky. Plus she's 5'10", which makes her exactly a foot taller than Tom Cruise. Not a good match.

He stood on a milk crate for this photo

2) Val Kilmer- He was so bad, Keanu Reeves thinks he was too stiff (we'll get to him in a little while). He must have thought "Ice Man" meant he shouldn't move a muscle in his face during the whole movie.

3) The music- I had a girlfriend at the time that played the soundtrack to the movie every day for two years. After a while, I really did want to "take her breath away". Literally. I think it was one of the reasons we broke up. That, and she was just awful in the sack. It was like bangin' a corpse, only she had less personality.

Wait...maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't perform as well as I should have.

Nah...I was only 28 years old. I was a kid. That's when I still had the Dick of Death.

7. The Day After Tomorrow

If you don't remember this turd, the entire northern hemisphere goes into an ice age because of some kind of global event that we caused by not hugging enough fucking trees. I'll bet the screenplay was written by a bunch of smelly hippies.

The bad part was this "killer cold snap". When the clouds parted, and it became clear outside, it would go from just freezing to really freezing, instantly killing every living thing. That "cold snap" chased Dennis Quaid around like it was the shark in "Jaws", and he kept just barely escaping sucking in that frigid gasp that would end the movie and my misery. Shit, at one point I went upstairs and stuck my head in the freezer, hoping that I could do myself in. Didn't work, but my tongue stuck to a bag of Green Giant baby peas.

The worst part was at the end, when Dennis and his family were safe, and they migrated to Mexico where it was warmer (given that choice myself, I would rather have become a human Bomb-Pop, but that's just me). There were these astronauts in the space shuttle watching the tragedy occur during the whole movie. Right in the final scene, when they showed the United States covered completely in ice, they looked at each other and said, "The air has never looked more clear".

Translation- "Stop polluting the atmosphere, you American bastards!"

Goddamn, I hate when movies try to preach to me. If I want some Berkenstock wearing, pony tail sporting, granola eating cockmunch telling me how to live my life, I'll move the 20 miles to Boulder, Colorado, thank you very much.

Fuckin' hippies...

6. Caddyshack II, Major League II, Slapshot II

Let's just get all these out of the way right now. These are just a few of the occasions where greedy bastards will take a perfectly great sports movie, and then completely destroy the franchise by writing a total piece of shit for a sequel.

I won't spend any time on Slapshot II. I think it went straight to DVD, it starred one of the jagoff Baldwin brothers, and it was just horrible. The Hanson brothers were all about 60 by the time they got to the sequel, and it was just sad.

Major League II was more disappointing, because they did such a terrific job with the first one. In the original, the language was realistic, the baseball plays were scripted real well, the music was tremendous (I still get chills when Jake Taylor steps up to the plate and points to the fence), and the story line was believable. It's one of my all time favorite movies.

In the second, they cleaned up the language so it wouldn't be rated R, and jacked up the whole thing. The baseball sequences sucked, Charlie Sheen's character turned into a dickhead, they wrote out my favorite character, manager Lou Brown, and the whole story line was weak. Just broke my heart. Then they had the balls to make Major League III, which was even worse.

But Caddyshack II was the sucker punch to the nuts. For me and a bunch of guys from my generation, the original Caddyshack is the holy grail of sports movies. It's been almost 30 years since it premiered, and my friends and I still quote lines from that film. We still yell "Miss it! Noonan!", in all sorts of different circumstances.

We still do Judge Smails impressions, like "you'll get nothing and like it", and "Danny, are you my pal?". We know the entire Bill Murray "Cinderella Boy" sequence, where he's tearing the tops off the flowers, word for word. I've seen it well over 100 times. Laugh my ass off every time.

So when Caddyshack II came out, and I found out it was written by the same guy, Harold Ramis, I was really excited. Now, I don't know if Harold was on the drugs, or in a coma, but the movie was just horrible. They had an entirely different cast (except Chevy Chase made an unfunny cameo), Jackie Mason tried to continue the Rodney Dangerfield role (nobody could ever match that), Dan Aykroyd was the new greenskeeper (except he used an annoying high voice), and they cleaned up the language again to get a PG rating. Never a good idea.

I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie being more disappointed. There weren't three good laughs in the whole thing. These days, I just make believe that movie never happened.

If you think about it, how many good sports sequels are there? Right off the top of my head, I can only think of one, but even that got fucked up later.

What movie was it? You probably already know, but let's keep you guessing until next time, when we go from shit movies five through one.

Dawgs Roar Back Late To Overcome Skanks

After a perfect 6-0 start to the winter EAHL season, the Dawgs I squad was staring their second straight defeat right in the face. In fact, they were a mere four minutes away, down 3-1 to the team that had knocked them out of the summer league playoffs, the Skanks.

It took 51 minutes, but the Dawgs found their offense just in time. They poured in three late goals, including Nate Akell's game winner with under a minute remaining, to steal a 4-3 victory. The win keeps the boys atop the league standings, with a 7-1 record.

Defenseman (sort of) Tito Pijanowski led the way for the Dawgs, putting in his second and third goals of the season, both of which were assisted by center Dan Pham, who bounced back after missing a game due to a gashed uterus. Danny Packard scored the other goal for the Dawgs on a delayed penalty in the third period.

The Dawgs' previous game had been postponed due to a mechanical issue at the Edge Arena, and that may have played a role in the sluggish performance against the Skanks. The bad guys got on the board early, when Spencer Tscherpel found the massive five hole of Dawgs goalie Al Sterner on a power play.




Pijanowski tied the game before the end of the period, but the Skanks regained the lead midway through the second, when Eric Allen skated in alone, and faked Sterner out of his cup, before depositing the puck into an empty net.

The game stayed at 2-1 until there were about eight minutes remaining in the third period, and the Skanks went on a power play due to the second silly retaliation roughing penalty of the game by Dawgs forward Matt McGarvey.


McGarvey

After a big scramble in front of the Dawgs' net, Sterner appeared to have the puck covered, and the whistle sounded from referee Mike O'Connell. A second later, Skanks forward Nick Wheeler poked the puck from beneath Sterner's glove, and into the cage. For reasons unknown, O'Connell chose to award the goal even though the whistle clearly blew, and the Dawgs were on the wrong end of a 3-1 score.

O'Connell's call

But instead of packing it in, the bad call seemed to light a fire under a Dawgs team that had not played real well the entire game. Pijanowski converted a nice Pham pass with a little under four minutes left to bring the boys back to within one.

"Tito only need one hand. Tito make score."

With around two minutes left, the Dawgs skated the puck up the ice on a delayed penalty. A shot was taken towards the net, and recent college graduate Danny "Intent To Injure!" Packard somehow forced the rebound past Skanks goalie Mark Jacobsen to tie up the contest.

So with less than a minute left in the game, it seemed like a shootout was imminent. But Pham found Nate Akell breaking out of the defensive zone, and he broke across the Skanks blue line with the puck. Just as he got to the top of the circle, he fired a wrist shot that found a way through Jacobsen's legs and into the net for the winner.

The road gets no easier for the Dawgs tonight, when they face second place Ozone at 9:30. Ozone is leading the EAHL in goals scored, averaging almost eight per game, but are coming off a loss to Dr. 5 Hole last week. A win could give the Dawgs a commanding lead in the league standings.

In other Dawgs news:

The Dawgs' game was postponed last week, but captain Marty Richardson found a new defenseman, when he signed a pylon that was on a bare spot in the ice. Richardson reasoned that it had more potential than Rick Zimmat, who was given his outright release.


New Dawgs D-Man

Dawgs forwards Dan Pham and Tyson Dale have pledged to continue wearing one purple sock as long as the team continues to win. Here they are shown modeling the socks before a recent game.


Dale, left

Nate Akell reported today that he won't be able to play tonight due to a strange illness. It was discovered that Akell saw the movie "New Moon" so many times last weekend, that he has begun to show signs of actually becoming a werewolf.

Akell

Dawgs defenseman Mike Abdella announced this week the birth of his second son. The baby has already taken on one of the traits of his father, sporting a faggity soul patch.


Little Abs

Just a few days earlier, Dawgs defenseman Chris Acuna also announced the birth of his son. The first few days were the worst, as the baby realized who his father is.

Yes you are...

This week Cindy Richardson welcomed an old flame, Philadelphia Flyer's wing Ian Laperriere, back to town in her own special way.

Be sure not to orphan the balls, Cindy...

Who's Better- Me Or My Kid?

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before in an article, but I have a son called Sam that plays goalie for Arvada Colorado Junior Hockey. He's 13, which makes him a first-year Bantam, for those of you that know about hockey age groups.

Come to think of it, the names of the age groups in hockey are a little bit strange. The small kids start out as "Mites", and when they turn nine, they become "Squirts". Two years later, they're "Pee Wees", then go to "Bantams" when they're 13. When they turn 15, they play in "Midgets", which is the last level for junior hockey.

I'm surprised there aren't levels called "Half Pints", "Shrimps", or "Little Fuckers". Whoever invented this system must have been some kind of problem with vertically challenged people. If that person happens to be reading this, I think I speak for small hockey players everywhere when I say... suck my balls.

Anyway, when Sam turned seven, he decided that he wanted to be like his old man, and try to play goalie one time. So we borrowed some of the equipment that they had down at the arena, strapped on the tiny little pads, and took him out on the ice. He got hooked straightaway, and he never wanted to do anything else. That was six years ago.

Fast forward to today. He's played on competitive travel teams for four seasons, and you know what?

This kid can fuckin' play.

I've had the pleasure of being his coach for the whole time he's been playing, mainly because goalie coaches don't exactly grow on trees, and most head coaches know jack-shit about the position. I fill a pretty nice niche.

So I've taught him everything I know, which took a grand total of about ten minutes, and have watched him get better and better as the years have gone by. But this season, he has dialed his game up to a whole new level.

(Writer's note: Here's the part where I'm going to brag on my kid for a minute. I realize it's annoying, but it gives some perspective to the rest of the article, plus it's my blogsite, so... you know, kiss my ass.)

The season's still early, but he's standing on his friggin' head (that's a hockey term for you gringos out there). He's played in one tournament and three league games (against the top three teams in the league, by the way), is saving 94% of the shots, and has a 1.6 goals against average. His latest effort came last Saturday, where we got outshot 33-11, and came away with a 1-1 tie. He totally stole a point for us. He's never played better in his life.

While we were driving home from that game, a few questions started running through my mind.

Is he better than me?

How does my game stack up against his?

Why do farts smell worse in the shower?

To answer those questions (except maybe that last one), I decided to break both of our games down by categories, and add up the check marks at the end. Nice and scientific, right? I was always real good at the book learnin'. Here goes:

1. Stature:

Sam- 4'11", weighs about 80 pounds. Just for comparison sake, our other goalie is 6'2", and weighs about 180. I know that's freakish for a 13 year old, but still, my guy is not real big. It's funny watching them together while they're doing drills at practice. Sam got completely and utterly fucked in the gene pool- nobody on either side of our families is over 5'8" fully grown. We're a short, round people, the Sterners.

SFG- 5'6", around a buck-seventy. I certainly cover more net. Let's hear it for girth!

Advantage:SFG

2. Health:

Sam- 13 years old. He can run all day long, and his legs are so strong, he could crack walnuts with his thighs.

SFG- Just turned 51. I get exhausted putting my skates on, and I couldn't crack an egg with my thighs. My knees feel like they've been beaten daily with a cricket bat.

Advantage:Sam

3. Fundamentals

Sam- He can get down in a pure "butterfly position", where his legs are together, and his pads stick straight out to each side. There is no "five-hole", which is a gap between his pads.

SFG- I can get into a butterfly position, but unfortunately the butterfly is in the "cocoon" stage. When I try to expand my pads to either side, my hip sockets make a sound like a rusty gate opening. You could drive an aircraft carrier through my five hole.

Advantage: Sam

3. Equipment

Sam- Has all the latest pads, including some sweet Nike/Bauer One-75 leg pads that match Arvada's colors (very similar to Boston). Just got in the glove and blocker- he looks and feels terrific.

SFG- I have a lifetime membership at Play It Again Sports. My pads are the Gump Worsley autograph model. Who's Gump Worsley, you ask?


He didn't need these pads anymore- he sort of dead

Advantage: Sam


4. Flexibility

Sam- Can do the full splits with his pads flat on the ice.

SFG- The last time I tried that, my scrotum ripped open, and one of my balls rolled out of my hockey pants. Took most of the second period to find it, and my voice has been up an octave ever since.

Advantage- Sam

5. Recovery Skills

Sam- He can get back up from his seat or his back simply by flipping his legs under himself and popping up to a standing position.

SFG- If I happen to end up on my back, I just wave my little arms and legs like a turtle, until one of my defensemen rolls me over. I wear one of those rescue buttons around my neck like the old lady in the commercial. The only popping I do is four Advils into my mouth before I play.

Advantage: Sam

6. Balance

Sam- He can do a smooth pad-slide across the crease going both ways, keeping his back nice and straight, thus covering more area of the net. He distributes his weight so that he always has equal balance on both legs.

SFG- My balance depends mainly on which knee hurts the most on a given night. When lefty hurts, then more weight on the right. I never know until I get to the rink which one it's going to be. Oh, and I pad-slide like old people fuck; which is slowly and badly, in case you were wondering.

Advantage-Sam

7. On-Ice Demeanor

Sam- If he gets scored on, he just fishes the puck out of the net, and gets ready for the next shot. He doesn't give up many softies, but puts them behind him very quickly. We goalies call that a "short memory". Stays very calm on the ice.

SFG- I die just a little bit every time I get scored on. I recall and am still pissed about every bad goal I've ever surrendered. That list is immense, by the way. Calm would not be the word I'd use for my behavior during a game.

Advantage: Sam

In a related topic:

8. Swearing After Being Scored On

Sam- Says "dang it" once in a blue moon. I heard him say "Jesus Christ" once.

SFG- I've invented 275 different phrases involving the word "cocksucker". I can swear for three minutes without repeating a word, and have done so many times as I've dug the puck out of my net. I'm not good at many things, but boys and girls, I can really swear.

Advantage- SFG (This probably shouldn't have been a category, but I needed a win, so there.)

Okay, let's just tally up the scores, shall we?

Sam has better equipment, fundamentals, flexibility, balance, recovery skills, and on-ice demeanor.

I'm fatter, and I can swear better than he can.

Hang on a sec while I get out my calculator...

Still working the numbers...

Yep, he's better than I am. Fuck, it's not even close.

Yeah, I can live with that...

Cobra Kai Sweeps the Leg- Defeats Dawgs 5-4

The Dawgs I squad experienced the bitter taste of defeat for the first time this season Tuesday night, when they went down to their good pals Cobra Kai, by a 5-4 margin. The good guys rallied all the way back from a 4-1 second period deficit to tie the score, but couldn't quite get over the hump in the third, surrendering the game winner with around five minutes remaining.

Cobra Kai forward and former Royal Canadian Air Force commander Jon Jay led the way for his team, netting two goals, including the game winner in the third.


Jay, left, heading into battle

For the Dawgs, young Michael Heaton scored his second and third goals of the season, keying the second period comeback that fell just short.

Shaun Hollis tallied for his second consecutive game, knocking in his fourth of the fall, while Danny "Intent to Injure!" Packard scored his fifth, and managed to play the whole game without rolling around on the ice like a giant pussy.


Packard

The Dawgs were playing several men short Tuesday night, missing some key players that might have helped change the outcome. Included were Chris Acuna (wife expecting any day), Nathaniel Akell (jail), Brad Stabio (making new documentary), Tyson Dale (suspended/anger issues), Dan Pham (gay), and captain Marty Richardson (out of country...and exceptionally gay).

Goalie Al Sterner gave it his all, but unfortunately these days Sterner gets to "all" much faster than he used to, and could not summon the reserve energy to keep the puck out of the net in the third period with the game tied at four.

The road doesn't get any easier for the Dawgs this week, when they face Dr Five Hole for the second time this season. The Dawgs prevailed in the last meeting 7-4, but Dr Five Hole has a high powered offense, which is scoring at almost eight goals per game.

In other Dawgs news:

This week the EAHL announced that in a special promotion, Tuesday they would honor Cobra Kai forward Jonathan Ripley by giving him his own Bobblehead Night.


Stop kicking my ass and I'll leave you boys alone, Rips...

This week forward/defenseman Brad Stabio missed the game in order to film an autobiographical documentary. In the film, he spikes his hair, puts on a sweet purple shirt with pink stripes, drinks way too much and experiences life on the other side of the fence. It's titled, "Stabio: Portrait of a Part Time Fag".


Nice lazy eye, Stabs...

18 year old Dawgs rookie forward Josh Adams attempted to eat pussy for the first time in his life this week. The experience was not all that he had hoped for.


"Was it good for you?"

While Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was in Europe this week, Dawgs II defenseman Eddie Cribbs stopped by to make sure Richardson's wife Cindy was doing okay. The visit lasted exactly 27 seconds.


"You're done? Really? Uh, next time, could you at least lift up my dress, Speedy?"

Even though he spent most of the week working, Richardson was able to spend some time at his favorite Amsterdam landmark.

Even wore a jumpsuit in case he got spooged on

Dawgs Melt Ice Pack- Stay Unbeaten

The Dawgs I squad kept rolling through the first half of the winter EAHL season last Tuesday night, with a solid 7-3 victory over the Ice Pack. They are now a perfect 6-0 on the new campaign, and maintain a four point lead on the Ozone, whom they defeated 9-6 last week.

The Dawgs continue to feature a balanced scoring attack, with six different players lighting the lamp. They were again led by the "Beast From the Far East" Dan Pham, who dropped back on defense due to the unexplained absence of Tito Pijanowski. He tallied two key goals in the second period, and helped keep the high scoring Ice Pack team in check with solid play at the blue line.

The other Dawgs scorers included Tyson Dale, who managed a pretty goal before getting into a rumble with the Ice Pack's Jason Gregory and being ejected in the first period, Shaun Hollis on a shorthanded breakaway, and Michael Heaton, who banged in his first of the season.

Rounding out the Dawgs' scoring were Nathaniel Akell, who just keeps plugging along, knocking in his fifth, and teen wonder Josh Adams, who also notched his fifth of the fall. Adams also made the defensive play of the game, clearing the puck off of the goal line after it had eluded goalie Al Sterner. Adams was later admonished by his fellow center Matt McGarvey for playing too much defense, and vowed never to let that happen again.


McGarvey, playing his standard defense

The Dawgs jumped out early, scoring the game's first three goals, and never really looked back. The Ice Pack scored in the first to close to within two, but Pham's two markers in the second put things pretty much out of reach.

Even though they scored eight goals the last time the two teams met, the Ice Pack didn't have the same firepower, and Sterner actually played with his head outside his ass this time, holding them to a season low.


Usually gives up at least this many

But there were some interesting occurences during the game. In the first period, while coming off the ice on a line change, defenseman Brad Stabio played the puck after his replacement had already come on, resulting in a two minute penalty.



Later in the period Tyson Dale was given a game misconduct for fighting with Jason Gregory, even though neither player dropped their gloves. This resulted in a one game suspension for Dale. A distraught Dan Pham vowed this week not only to wear Dale's mildly gay purple sock as a sign of unity, but also to wear Dale's protective jockstrap.


Pham's bulge will never be this big

In the second period, young Josh Adams received a ten minute misconduct after delivering a hard check along the boards. Linemate Dennis Heaton told Adams' mom, and Adams was given a "time out" after he got home.


Adams

Later in the second, forward Danny Packard was nudged from behind by an Ice Pack player, and rolled around on the ice like a Portuguese soccer player. As he protested no penalty being called, a high pitched squeal came from someplace other than his mouth. It was later determined that Packard had executed the perfect queef.




The Dawgs attempt to keep their unbeaten streak alive tonight when they play against their old pals and charter members of Dawg Nation, Cobra Kai. Cobra Kai won their first game of the season last week over Dr Five Hole, 8-6, and are always dangerous, featuring Canadian import Jonathan Jay. Not an intelligent man, Jay still hasn't quite learned how to breath from his nose.


Leave him alone- he's from "America Jr."

In other Dawgs news:

This week Dawgs captain and former fanny miner Marty Richardson went on a business trip to Amsterdam, Holland. He wasted no time in blending in with his new surroundings.

The hardest part was finding wooden shoes that small

Richardson's wife Cindy showed how she will be spending the week while Marty is in Europe.


Geez, Cindy, this was just way too easy

My San Francisco Diary- by Marty Richardson

(Writer's note. My good friend and team captain Marty is in San Francisco this week, and it reminded me of the article I posted a couple of years ago featuring his "diary" from his trip. You new guys to Dawg Nation might get a yuck out of it. )


Monday, June 30th

Dear Diary,

Just flew in for another convention of the Financial Advisors Guild. Boy, are my wings tired! (I am such a hoot sometimes). I never miss a FAG convention. We don't start until tomorrow, so that gave me a chance to do a little shopping while I had some time. Now, Diary, you know what my favorite place in town is, don't you?



I hope I can sleep tonight. They have so many fun activities planned for the week, I'm just all a tingle! Talk to you tomorrow.

Love, Marty

Tuesday, July 1st

Dear Diary,

What a first day! It was so nice to see all my FAG friends again. It was such a pretty day here in San Francisco, we decided to get out and walk around during a break in the convention. It was a little embarrassing, though. We were all wearing the same uniform.



Not that many people stared. The folks in this city are so nice!

At lunch, I decided to go to a hair stylist to change things up a little bit. I'm not sure if this is my look, though.



I might try something else tomorrow.

The only bad thing that happened today was when I tripped on my shoelace and fell down in the street.



I scraped my knee, dammit! I hope that doesn't mess up the rest of the activities I had planned. My knees are really important for those.

Oh well, must get some sleep. See you tomorrow.

Kisses, Marty

Wednesday, July 2nd

Dear Diary,

I had the best day today! It was so beautiful again this morning, that my buddies and I just had to get out for a ride.



Then today during the convention, my friends elected me again to be the FAG Man of the Year. I have no idea how I won for the third straight year- just look at the competition that I was up against.



During lunch today, I did get a chance to meet with a new image consultant, and he gave me a complete makeover.



That didn't go as well as I had hoped. I'll be looking for a new consultant tomorrow.

Before the end of the day, I was able to visit my favorite statue in the city. I never miss it when I'm in town. Last time here, they had to pull me off of it.




Big day tomorrow, Diary. Talk to you then.

XOXO, Marty

Thursday, July 3rd

Dear Diary,

Sorry I'm so late tonight, but I've been pretty tied up with my friends.




Last day in Frisco! This has gone so fast, I can't believe it. Fortunately, I was able to cram a lot of activities in today, if you know what I mean (you do know, don't you, Diary).

First, we got to hear from the Keynote Speaker, and it was another dream come true. It was none other than my hero, George Takei from Star Trek. He was so gracious- everyone got to take a picture with him. I can't put my finger on it, but he looked a little bit different in person.



Before the end of the convention, I was given one more award. This was just so unexpected, and it was published in the local press. Is this the best week ever or what? The guy on my right is really happy that I won.




Later on, they gave the whole convention tickets to the circus. While I was there, though, something really bad happened. I was eating some popcorn, and I started to choke on a kernel. Thank God, one of the employees was able to give me the Heimlich, and even a little bit of a bonus.



I'm flying back tomorrow morning, so I'll be able to watch fireworks tomorrow night. There's nothing like looking at a big, Roman candle right before it explodes. Oh, look, I'm tingling again. I'm so patriotic!

Love you lots, Marty