Much like the Miss USA beauty pageant (see story below), this is a terrific opportunity for us to make fun of the contestants and their families, and maybe try to learn something in the process. Okay, forget that last part- we don't give a shit if we learn anything. As long as there are doinks, we're all set.
If you've ever seen this contest before, this is what the military guys call a target rich environment in the nerd department. So, just like I did in June of 2009 and May of 2008 (archived on this site), I'm going to keep a running diary of our evening.
Oh, and just like I usually do before I begin, I want to confirm what you're thinking: my family and I are a bunch of assholes that need to find a hobby. Yeah, now tell me something I don't know. But like I said last year, when was the last time you sat in a room with your kids and laughed your ass off for two hours? It's been awhile, right?
So hang on to your gluteus maximi, kids (that's asses- see, you're already smarter)- here we go...
7:00- Welcome back to the Sterner basement fortress! Tonight we're once again joined by my lovely wife Annie, along with my two older boys Mike, 15, and Sam, 14. The two smaller kids have once again been chased out of the basement because the language gets a little colorful down here. They're upstairs watching a very special ICarly, where she gets inappropriately goosed by her older brother, who's like 35 in real life. I know this because my daughter has that show on 19 hours per day. I've renamed it IWannaKillCarly.
Hosting the spelling bee tonight will be (we all collectively cross our fingers and chant "Not Tom Bergeron...not Tom Bergeron): Chris Harrison from The Bachelor. I've never seen that show- even I have to draw the line somewhere. With him is a wonk named Paul Loeffler, who won the bee back in the 90's. We all agree that there is no friggin' way Paul has ever touched a girl, much less gotten his bean snapped.
And backstage interviewing the losers will be the very attractive Erin Andrews from ESPN and Dancing With the Stars. I watched the last four episodes of DWTS, and she is a whole lot of bueno. Just as last year, this will be the last time in their lives that the boy contestants will be anywhere near an attractive woman.
7:10- We've gotten through all the preliminary crap, and now it's time to meet this year's ten finalists. Again, like last year I'm going to assign a nickname to everyone, because there are a shitload of letters in these names, and my typing skills haven't improved one tiny bit. They are:
Shantanu Srivatsu (Fargo, ND)- Believe it or not, there are some Indian kids in the finals. Wow, that almost never happens. Shantanu's not a bad looking kid, but he has a giant gap in his front teeth. We'll call him "Picket Fence".
Anamika Veeramani (Cleveland, OH)- Anamika was here last year. Her eyes were really far apart then, and the gap hasn't closed since we saw her last. Once again, she'll be "E.T."
Joanna Ye (Carlisle, PA)- Pretty normal looking Asian girl, which as always means she has no shot of winning this contest. Normal around here almost always spells doom. Joanna's dad looks like Mr. Sulu from Star Trek, but I don't think it's him. Mostly because Mr. Sulu is 75 years old now, and likes having a big, hairy one stuffed in his butt. She'll be "Ye Haw".
Aditya Chemudupaty (Houston, TX)- See why I'm giving everyone nicknames? Holy shit, could you have some more letters in your name, Aditya? He has wire rimmed glasses, so Mike gives him the name, "Brown Harry Potter". Chip off the old block, my kid Mike.
Laura Newcombe (Toronto, ONT)- I didn't know they let Canadians in this thing. Shit, most of the Canadians I know are dumber than a bucket of hair (another one of my dad's sayings-always try to sneak one in). Despite her last name, Laura is Asian, so we're going to call her "Can-Asian".
Adrian Gunuwan (Arlington Heights, IL)- Yet another Asian kid, with an odd shaped head. The thing starts out really wide on top, and then narrows considerably as we get to his chin. We can't put our finger on what the shape looks like for a few minutes, and then it comes to us. Adrian will be called, "Candy Corn". Honest to God, that head should have three stripes on it.
Lanson Tang (Potomac, MD)- Holy cow, there are so many Asians here, it's like a blackjack dealer's convention. Lanson's a tiny little bastard, with a mouthful of braces. He has the easiest nickname of the night- the kids and I all yell it at the same time.
"POON-TANG!"
Goddamn, I love my kids.
Julianna Canabal-Rodriguez (Mayaguez, Puerto Rico)- I'm so happy right now, I just crapped a little bit in my Underoos. I announce- "Gentlemen, please start your Puerto Rican jokes!" She has to stay in the competition for awhile. She'll be the "P.R. Cannibal".
Andrew Grose (Sheboygan, WI)- Well, lookie here- it's a white kid! Andrew looks like a less cool Michael Cera, and he has his khakis hiked up way too high. The kids and I see where he's from, and we all start doing impressions of Professor Frink from The Simpsons, which is an impression of a young Jerry Lewis. It's tough to describe, but phonetically it's something like:
sha-BOY-gun!!
So that will be his name- Sheboygan! It's kind of addicting- you should try it. Say it with me:
Lay-dee! Do you know how to get to Sha-BOY-gun!
You guys really need to start working with me on this shit.
Elizabeth Platz (Shelbina, MO)- One more white girl, and kids, she is really, really white. She has her blonde hair pulled back so far that she's sporting an "eight-head", and her teeth are pretty messed up. Elizabeth is about five years away from renting an apartment and living with 10 cats. It takes a few minutes, but we finally figure out who poor Lizzie looks like.
She's going to be called "Beetlejuice".
No shit- this is pretty close
Before we move on, I just wanted to mention one kid that didn't quite make the finals, but the kids and I wished to God that he had. We watched a little bit of the semifinals this afternoon, and there was this kid:
This is Nicholas B. Rushlow from Lancaster, Ohio. Boys and girls, this is one goofy little mother-ripper. Squeaky voice, fidgeted the whole time he was on stage, and just look at his hair. He would have been "Ginger Jew-Fro", and the jokes would have been just endless. We were just devastated when he went out. Oh well, maybe next year...
7:25- We're finally through with all the introductions, and it's time to spell some fuckin' words. As always, the moderator will be Dr. Jacques Bailey, who won the bee back in 1980 and is from here in Denver. I didn't know that until I Wikipedia'd his ass. With him is an unidentified priest who just silently sits there. Not sure what his function is, but it just opened a door to a whole new set of jokes. Here's one (I heard this recently):
What do priests and McDonalds have in common? They both stick their meat in ten year old buns. Ba-dum-bum. Thank you-I'm here all week.
You know, I'm not a Catholic, but I have to believe that they had a different legacy in mind than being known worldwide for their leaders molesting young boys. I'm almost sure I'm right on this. In case you're wondering, I'm a practicing Frisbeeterian. We believe that when you die, a smelly hippie throws your soul up on a roof, and it never comes down.
Anyway, they've changed the rules a bit so that the spellers can only ask three questions, like "Can you use it in a sentence?", or "What is the language of origin?".
Mike says, "The guys should use one of their questions to find out what a vagina looks like". Cracked me up. But come to think of it, I doubt that either Dr. Bailey or the priest dude knows the answer to that.
Okay- E.T., Picket Fence, and Ye Haw all get through their first words, and then PR Cannibal steps up. They stop everything for a moment, and run a little feature so that we can get to know PRC better. This is notoriously a giant Kiss of Death when they do this. They spend five minutes on the contestant, and then when they come back live, the speller chokes on the first word they get. Let's see if it happens again.
PRC loves to paddleboard in her native land of Puerto Rico, which basically is riding a big surfboard and steering with a pole. Sam says, "Hey, I'll bet that's how she got over to the U.S." She's also about two years away from having J-Lo's ass.
They return for her word, and sure enough, she completely butchers gyokuro, which is a Japanese green tea. This pisses off the whole room-we had so many more jokes. I had a whole West Side Story thing lined up, complete with dancing and choreography. Fuck-maybe next year.
She immediately bursts into tears, and collapses into the arms of her mom as she's leaving the stage. It's a very tender moment, until Mike says, "I'll bet that's going to be one sad float home." That one just killed me.
Next, Brown Harry Potter steps up, and he's wearing a wristwatch that is bigger than his whole head. Why do doinks wear such big watches? Is it so that they know exactly what time to masturbate while watching Battlestar Galactica? Well, he tanks huge on engysseismology (something about earthquakes). They keep showing his mom as he's struggling with the word, and she's getting more and more pissed as he tries to spell it. When the bell rings, signifying that he missed and he needs to immediately get his failed ass off the stage, she goes storming out of the auditorium with her sari in a bunch. You just know that he'll be going to bed without any curry tonight.
Next is Sheboygan, and he spells his word correctly. But as he turns around to head back to his seat, we notice that his khakis are riding all the way up his ass. I'll bet that priest just had a mild stroke when he saw that. We'll need to get him a drool bucket if the kid doesn't fix that problem.
CanAsian is next, and she goes out on confiserie, which is a French word meaning "candy store". She asked Dr. Bailey to use it in a sentence, and he said, "The French never bathe before they go to the confiserie, and they surrender on the way down there". Okay, I made that up. I just hate the fuckin' French.
Candy Corn gets his word right, and he speaks just like Keanu Reeves. I can't help but do a quote from my favorite guilty pleasure movie The Replacements, where Keanu plays a football quarterback. He looks around the huddle, and says, "Gentlemen, it has been an honor to share the field of battle with you". It may be the worst delivered line in the history of movies. I watch that piece of shit every time it's on.
Here comes PoonTang, and his voice is lower than James Earl Jones. No fuckin' way this kid is 14. It flashes on his bio that he aspires to be a game designer. Gee whiz, no shit? Whatever- Poony goes down on leishmanic (some kind of parasite), and he hits the road. He'll be touring with the Temptations this summer, doing the bass part in "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" (if you get that joke, you're really old).
Dr. Bailey says Beetlejuice's name three times, and she appears. You know, because that's what... happened in the movie. Jesus, do I have to explain everything? Try to keep up. It says her favorite book is the dictionary, and she and her brother have an extended Beanie Babies collection. Dear God, this girl is so screwed. She gets her word right, and sits down to contemplete her next 70 years of virginity.
7:50- Back from commercial, and they're showing all the spellers out on a little field day. I'll bet the SPF300 sunscreen was flowing that day- shit, half of those kids have never been outdoors. They're all wearing t-shirts with one letter on them, and they keep getting together to form words. Believe it or not, the kids and I had some suggestions for them:
HATE MY PARENTS
KILL ME NOW
PRIEST TOUCHED ME
7:55- So we're down to six. Picket Fence quickly spells his word again- he looks very confident. He's probably the favorite right now. E.T.'s pretty good too, plus she has the experience of having been there last year.
Uh oh, there goes YeHaw. She misses tailleur (woman's tailored suit), which pisses off her dad, Not Gay Mr. Sulu. He gives her that look, where he wishes he had a son instead of a daughter. Mike notices, and launches right into the Asian accent.
"Don't talk to me again until you doctor!" I spend the next two minutes crying in my easy chair.
Dammit, Sheboygan's out! He crapped the bed on aquinaldo, which is Puerto Rican Christmas music. No shit- that's really what it is. I have a quick conniption, because too many jokes enter my head at the same time.
Disappointed, he turns to leave the stage, and sure as hell, he still has that hungry ass going with his khakis. When he gets a few steps away, you hear this clanking sound. He turns to notice that the priest has thrown his hotel room key on the stage. This night might not end well for she-BOY-gan!
8:05- Everyone else got their word right, so we're down to four. They're dropping a lot faster than last year- I think they only lost one speller through three rounds in 2009. Looks like it's time to stretch things a bit to make sure they fill the two hours. Here comes a feature on Candy Corn.
The first thing he does on the feature is make a funny face, and Mike says that's what he looks like when he's jackin' off. The best thing on my TV is the ability to pause live shows, and I have to do that for a minute. Busted me up again.
They finish the piece (an Asian kid that likes math-stop the presses!), and right on cue, he misses his next word. Leaves out an "r" in terribilita (describing the awesomeness of Michaelangelo- the painter, not the Mutant Ninja Turtle). I think I'd pass if ABC wanted to do a feature on me- they might as well use the Grim Reaper as the reporter.
Beetlejuice comes back up, and they show her dad and her brother on the other side of the stage. They appear to be wearing matching capri pants (or they're just hiked up really high), and both are sporting sandals with socks. Bitchin'!
Beetlejuice smiles nervously, which is a bad idea. Her teeth look like she might possibly have scurvy. She gets the word rhytidome, which is the outer bark of trees. She asks Dr. Bailey to use it in a sentence. He says, "Your teeth look like you've been chewing on rhytidome". Even that doesn't help, and she bombs out in third place. Next stop- the Humane Society to pick up her cats.
8:15- Alrighty, kids, we're down to our last two spellers! I'll bet the ABC producers are having a little panic attack, because there are still 45 minutes left, and this is live TV. They probably have Erin Andrews changing into her Dancing With the Stars outfit right now (which is a terrific idea, by the way), and she'll be doing the Highland Fling with Dr. Bailey if this thing ends quickly.
So the survivors are Shantanu Srivatsu (Picket Fence), and Anamika Veeramani (ET). Standing together up on the stage, I'm half expecting them to break out in the song "Tally Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire. I come to the conclusion that I might possibly watch way too many movies.
(While we have a moment, can I just go off on a little bit of a tangent? Have you actually seen Slumdog Millionaire? Don't get me wrong- it's a very good movie, and probably deserved to win the Academy Award. And while it ended nicely, I spent the first hour and a half fighting the urge to blow my fucking brains out. Damn, if I want to be depressed, I'll just look in the mirror before I step into the shower, thank you very much. I don't want to spend $10 to feel like shit for three days. Okay, back to the spelling bee. Thanks for listening.)
They hold serve for a few words, but then Picket Fence opens the door when he misses ochidore, which is some kind of crab. Come to think of it, I got a case of the ochidores from a girl one time. I knew I'd seen that word before...
Now E.T. needs to spell her word, and then one more, and she will be the winner. She has no problem with juvia, which is the tree that yields Brazil nuts. Seems like a pretty easy word, under the circumstances.
Okay, here comes the final word: it's stromuhr. That's a meter that measures the flow of blood through arteries. See, if nothing else, you enhanced your vocabulary tonight. And not just with new swear words. You're welcome.
E.T's dad has a big smile on his face- looks like they've seen the word before. Oh, and did I mention that E.T. wants to be a cardiovascular surgeon? What a fuckin' break. She checks the word origin to make sure, then rattles it off easily to win the whole enchilada. That's a $30,000 enchilada, by the way.
The strange thing is that E.T. doesn't smile. Not even once. Makes you wonder whether she really wanted to do this, or if dad pounded on her to compete. I ask the boys their opinion. They talk it over and decide unanimously that they don't give a shit. I'm glad we cleared that up.
8:30- They return from one more commercial, and they're ready to present the trophy to E.T. Just like last year, the trophy is handed over by Dr. Richard Boehne, and just like last year, the kids and I wonder if the poor bastard had to go through life with people calling him "Dick Bone". We never got a good answer on that one.
So that's it for another year, boys and girls. This year was little bit disappointing, because so many contestants flamed out quickly, before we could really develop a nice running dialogue for them. But we still had a great time as usual, and look forward to the Miss Universe Pageant in August, where we'll all get together and crack on some international skank. Be sure to come back for that.
Now, if you'll excuse us, ABC is filling the other half hour with an episode of "Wipeout". People falling down for a half hour- that's about our speed.
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