Dawgs Hang On For 5th Straight

The Dawgs I squad made their way to the top of the EAHL standings last Tuesday night with their fifth consecutive win, a 7-6 squeaker over their good friends, Cobra Kai. The two teams are now tied for first with a 7-2 record, with both Cobra Kai losses coming at the hands of the Dawgs.

Young Josh Adams, who is still earning his degree, so for now is only a recreational butt doctor, continued his torrid scoring pace, netting four big goals. That gives him 11 in his last four games, and a total of 16 for the season.

Tyson Dale, who unselfishly dropped back to defense because of the absence of Tito Pijanowski, who is courageously battling an STD, still found a way to score twice, including a very unusual goal in the third period which proved to be the game winner. And rookie sensation Matt Chamberlain, playing in just his third game in a Dawgs uniform, got the other tally as the good guys held off a furious Cobra Kai rally for the victory.

Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, for the second consecutive week, was a shot stopping sonofabitch for two periods, and then tried to throw away the game in the last frame, surrendering four goals. But his teammates had just enough of a lead, so that even Sterner couldn't fuck the thing up.

Dale opened the scoring in the first, and then Adams quickly followed with two more, and the Dawgs were surprisingly up 3-0 at the end of the period. The reasons for the surprise were that Cobra Kai is the highest scoring team in the league, the Dawgs had only nine players when the game began, including only two regular defensemen, and standout player Dan Pham was in Chicago watching his younger and much more talented brother Tyler play in an important hockey tournament.


Young Pham

But Dale, along with middle brother Brandon Pham playing his first Dawgs game on defense, plus regulars Rick Zimmat and Mike Abdella, did a terrific job holding off the high scoring Cobra Kai attack.

The Dawgs built the lead up to 5-0 by the halfway mark of the second period, when Chamberlain scored a pretty goal, and Adams banged in his third. But towards the end of the middle session, Cobra Kai found their touch, and put two behind Sterner to make it 5-2. Against Cobra Kai, who can score in bunches, that was not a safe lead at all.

Adams stuffed in his fourth early in the final stanza to make it again a four goal margin, and things were looking a little better. It was discovered after the game that Adams had some inspiration in the audience- more on that later.

Then, around five minutes into the third, the Dawgs were killing a penalty, when Tyson Dale cleared the puck from his goal line all the way down the ice. The puck was rolling on its side, and Cobra Kai keeper Jeff Yerks came out of his net to play it to a teammate. Just as it got to Yerks, the puck took a quick left turn, rolled past Yerks' stick, and somehow made its way into the Cobra Kai goal.

The freakish, 200 foot goal made it 7-2, and game over, right? Not so fast...

Cobra Kai scored after a goalmouth scramble with around seven minutes left, and then Tom DiNardo rifled a shot that beat Sterner to his glove side to make matters 7-4. DiNardo got another from close range with about four minutes left, and then Greg Garmen fired a low shot through a screen that Sterner got a piece of, but only enough to deflect it into the upper corner of his own net. 7-2 turned to 7-6 in a big old hurry, and there were still two minutes left.

Sterner was officially leaking oil, and starting to show some subtle signs of pressure.

You couldn't get a piece of spaghetti up there

But Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis made his game contribution by letting himself get smashed into the boards by Cobra Kai's Even Sanft, and the ensuing power play pretty much killed the rest of the time. Cobra Kai never got another serious shot, which was a good thing, because Sterner had both hands occupied, clutching his own throat.

It doesn't get much easier this week, when the Dawgs face off against the Nooks at 9:30. The teams split their first two meetings this season, with the Dawgs coming out on top last time, winning a shootout.

In other Dawgs news:

Because of goalie Al Sterner's recent third period struggles, this week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed a young closer that will play the final 15 minutes.

He's a little taller than Sterner, too...

Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis missed last week's game, and this week the reason was discovered. Because of a recent dry spell, last Tuesday he was forced to slip a ruffie to an unexpecting girl, then take her home and make sweet, cadaver love to her for the customary 14 seconds.


You'd be more successful without the puberty beard, son...

Dawgs alumnus Mitchell Pijanowski scored a hat trick last week for his new junior team, the Yellowstone Quake. The team celebrated by having their way with the best looking woman in Cody, Wyoming.


Bummer for little Pij, far right. He drew number six...

Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio got drunk with his friend Jeff this week, and one thing led to another.


"Brad, can I at least get a good night kiss?" (Goddamn, I love Facebook...)

Last Tuesday night hundreds of dollars changed hands in the parking lot after the game, when young Dawgs star Josh Adams brought a very pretty girl named Sara to watch him score four goals. Most of his teammates had wagered that Adams' mind, heart and body belonged to another:


"You my bitch, Josh..."

Dakota Ridge Wins!

In the last couple of weeks, a whole bunch of my fellow degenerates out there took the American Family Insurance safe driving pledge to help Dakota Ridge High School in their quest to win enough money for a new crosswalk. And I'm happy to report that when all the counting was done Wednesday night, the Mighty Eagles finished on top, and will get their much needed crosswalk.

They actually fell out of the lead as late as Wednesday afternoon, but fueled by a late surge, including some frantic activity from my Dawg Nation brothers and sisters, they jumped back to the top and won going away by around 700 pledges. This is a terrific win for Dakota Ridge principal and Dawgs hockey player Jim Jelinek, and proves how much can be accomplished by a small group of dedicated people.


Here's Jelly- he never looks this good. Must be an old photo.

I could tell by the traffic feed on the right side of my blog that a lot of you fine people linked over and filled out the form. Well kids, it might be this year, or it might be 10 years from now, but you helped save a life by taking a minute to do that, and I can't express to you how much I appreciate it.

Take a bow, Dakota Ridge Eagles, Dawg Nation, and both of my regular readers. You did a good thing.

Take The Pledge and Help Save Lives!

I'm wondering if I can ask a favor from you thousands of people from all over the USA and the world that for some reason frequent my silly website.

A short time ago a high school kid in our area was severely injured because there was no crosswalk at a very dangerous intersection near the school. The principal of that school, Dakota Ridge in Littleton, Colorado, happens to be a proud member of Dawg Nation, and he needs our help.

There is currently a contest going on with American Family Insurance, where if you fill out a quick form online, the high school with the most hits will win $15,000 to use as they wish. WalMart has also pledged an additional $15K, so they would have enough to build that much needed crosswalk.

Like most school systems in the country, budget cuts are kicking our ass right now, so this is the only way that the crosswalk can get built.

Here's the happy part: It doesn't cost you a penny and nobody will bug you if you don't want them to. It takes about a minute to fill out the form, and you're all done. Here's the link:

http://www.teensafedriverpledge.com/

It's really easy- just make sure you click on Dakota Ridge High School when you come to that option. That way they will be credited with the hit.

Kids, they are ahead right now, but we really need a good finish to make sure they get the bucks. Is one minute of your time worth it if it even saves one kid from getting hurt?

You bet your ass it is.

So go do it right now, then come back, and I'll tell you some more dirty jokes. I don't ask much from you guys, but this is a biggie, okay?

Thanks, boys and girls- you're chubby little pal appreciates it.

Old Dawgs Put Down, 3-1

In the first game of the SDOHL season, the Old Dawgs played the Llamas, and found it fairly easy to score goals. They took a total of 22 shots, and lit the lamp eight times in an eventual 8-4 romp.

Well, things weren't quite as easy the second time around.

Last Tuesday night, despite getting a higher number of shots, the boys were only able to find the Llamas net once, and skated away on the wrong end 3-1 deficit. The loss moved the Old Dawgs down to a tie for second place in the very heavily congested SDOHL standings.

The difference Tuesday night was substitute goalkeeper Tim Kmetz, who at age 36 could be the son of many of the Old Dawgs players. Coming from the highly competitive Tuesday night Edge Adult Hockey League, Kmetz was solid in the Llamas net, turning away everything except a first period breakaway from Old Dawgs French import Bernie Levesque.

On the other end of the ice, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner surrendered two first period goals, and that turned out to be enough to send the good guys to their third defeat in the last four games. But because of the parity of the new SDOHL, a 3-3 record with a shootout loss is good enough to be only one point out of first place.

Things looked good early for the Old Dawgs, as they got off to their customary lead. In fact, the Dawgs have scored the first goal in every game this season. The contest wasn't two minutes old before Levesque received an outlet pass from Dawgs captain and former fudge excavator Marty Richardson, skated in alone, and tucked the puck past Kmetz to open the scoring. Nobody knew it at the time, but that would be the last time they would penetrate the Llamas goal for the evening.

The Llamas answered a couple of minutes later, when Mike Lapp received a pass in front of the Dawgs net, and found the Eisenhower Tunnel that is Sterner's five-hole to level the score.


It's about this big

Then around 10 minutes into the first frame, the Llamas caught the Dawgs changing players with the puck in their own zone, and made them pay with the eventual winning goal. Tom Ouellete slid the puck over to a wide open Steve Kerr, who was camped out in front of Sterner's net. Sterner slid over in his patented Gump Worsley two-pad stack, but Kerr, with all the time in the world, calmly moved the puck to his right, and shot it past the Old Dawgs keeper, who was flopping on the ice like a chubby mackerel.


Sterner, left

And amazingly, that would be it for the scoring, until Ouelette deposited the puck into an empty Dawgs goal with less than a minute remaining, after Sterner had been pulled for an extra attacker. But the low scoring wasn't for lack of shots- the Llamas put 30 on Sterner's goal during the game, while the Old Dawgs fired 27 at Kmetz.

It was just one of thise nights where the puck wasn't going in for the Dawgs, and there really wasn't anyone to blame. Well, perhaps one could blame SDOHL leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who failed to find the net for the first time this season.


Pijanowski

The Dawgs will try to get back to winning ways tonight, when they play Touchstone Imaging, featuring former Dawg Ben Ziff and his mesmerizing Jew-Fro. Game time is set for 9:55, but will probably go off at around 12:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks got a new job this week. All of Dawg Nation wishes him well in his new endeavor.


Wilksie

Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque was forced to leave the game last week, after mildly straining his groin. Levesque wanted to go on, but being French, his groin surrendered.


"Deutschland! Deutschland!"

Because of his performance in last week's game, defenseman Tito Pijanowski signed a promotional contract to represent an appropriate company.


"Tito no make score..."

Before the game last Tuesday night, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson saw teammate Eddie Cribbs without any clothes, and it couldn't help but have an adverse effect on the rest of his game:


"I'll never eat Vienna sausages again..."

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's prayers were answered this week, when he took a break to enjoy a midday snack.


"It satisfies two appetites at once! It's a miracle! There is a God!"

Old Dawgs Back On Track With 7-1 Win

Well, that's a little more like it.

After dropping their last two games, the first by one goal after skating most of the game with seven players, and the second in a ten round shootout, the Old Dawgs got back to their good form last Tuesday night, slapping around first place B&K Supply, 7-1.

The convincing victory puts the Old Dawgs back up to the top of the table with 10 points, where they share first place with the Coyotes. B&K slips back to third with nine, and the Llamas hold fourth with seven in a very tight SDOHL.

Polish wonder and former sex kitten Tito Pijanowski continued his torrid pace to the winter season, when he picked up a huge six point night. His two goals and four assists are an SDOHL record. The league is only five weeks old, but still...


Pijanowski, with perfectly coordinated socks. If you're a Polack...

Eddie Cribbs and Bernie Levesque also scored two goals each for the good guys, and defenseman Chris Courtiol celebrated his return from league mandated anger management classes to add a goal and an assist.

And for the first time this season, goalie Al Sterner played like he had actually worn ice skates before, turning aside 17 of 18 shots. He might have even picked up a shutout, except...well, more on that later.

The first period began like most of the Old Dawgs games this season- they scored the first two goals. Courtiol got one just past the two minute mark off an assist from Eric Wilks, and then Cribbs got his first of the night from John Theilen and Pijanowski at 17:15.

But as had become the pattern in the past couple of games, the Old Dawgs slowed down the pace in the second period, and their lead was cut in half around 10 minutes in when B&K's John Hax beat Sterner on a breakaway.

Sterner got a little unlucky on the goal, because he stayed with Hax's deke and got his right pad on the shot. But the puck bounced off the top of the pad, and floated into the goal. This piece of bad fortune of course was inevitable, because a certain Old Dawgs player mentioned the dreaded "S word" (shutout) to Sterner at the end of the first period, breaking a well known hockey rule.

Who was that offending player? Why, it was French bastard Bernie Levesque.


Levesque

So the Old Dawgs were still up by one heading to the third, but needed some more goals to avoid their third straight week of coming from ahead to lose. They needed a spark. But where would it come from?

Would it be this guy?


Dave Chamberlain? What, are you fuckin' kidding me?

Oh, dear God no. It was the "Goalie's Kiss of Death", monsieur Bernie Levesque.

Levesque more than made up for his "shutout" gaffe, when just a minute into the final stanza, he gathered the puck in the neutral zone, made a great move, and broke in alone on B&K goalie Dave Maney. He deked to his backhand, and easily tucked it in behind Maney to double the Old Dawgs lead.

Then just three minutes later, he received a great pass from Wilks, and broke again into the B&K zone at full speed. Skating as though he was being chased by the Third Reich, he made the same move on Maney, and got the same result. That made it 4-1, and pretty much game over.

Tito Pijanowski found a burst of energy a minute later, and scored on one of his patented end-to-end surges to increase to Old Dawgs lead to four, and then three minutes later, did the same thing to make it 6-1. Watching him carry the puck with such grace and finesse, it reminded some observers of former Boston Bruin great Bobby Orr. Of course, that would be if Orr was uglier, less intelligent, sported a porn mustache, was really Polish, and in a coma.



Holy shit, they shouldn't even be in the same picture

The Old Dawgs got their only real scare about midway through the third, when B&K took a shot that Sterner saved, but then had two good chances to score on the rebound, as the puck sat right on the goal line. But a Dawgs defenseman that would prefer not to be identified, mainly because he's a school principal and it's not very good for the career to be on a blogsite that features dick jokes, twice cleared the puck off the line with his hand, saving Sterner from any further damage. Let's just call said defenseman "Jelly".


Jelly, incognito

Eddie Cribbs closed the scoring (there's something you usually don't see in a sentence) five minutes before the end, when he one-timed a great pass from Pijanowski past Maney, and into the top of the net. For Cribbs, it was his third goal of the season, beating his previous record by, well...three.

The Old Dawgs, having now played everyone in the league, take on the Llamas for the second time this Tuesday night at 8:35.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Dawgs forward John Theilen continues to show no signs of the hepatitis that he battled for the past year.


Well, maybe a little sign...

Because of his strong performance last Tuesday night, after the game Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol scored his first hockey groupie.


I hear she gives good beak...

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to be out of last week's game because he had an important meeting with his encounter group, Sex Without Partners. He was not missed, except possibly for his talents in the locker room after the contest.


He can stay like that for hours...