Why Hockey Is Great, and Basketball Sucks

I live in the Denver area, so for the past six months, I've had to endure the saga of Carmelo Anthony almost every day. And it's been especially bad lately, dominating our sports pages before mercifully he finally got traded to the New York Knicks.

If there's a basketball God, Melo won't win a championship in New York. He doesn't deserve one, because he doesn't concern himself with defense, and he's not a team player. I hope it all goes to hell in a handbasket-I don't have time for gifted players with no character. I'm just glad it's over, and I don't have to hear about it any more.

To be honest though, even if he would have done us a big old favor by staying and reluctantly signing that 65 million dollar contract, I still wouldn't have given three shits. Why? Well, mainly because I think he's an arrogant fuckhead, and I wouldn't piss down his throat if his heart was on fire. But also because basketball is a bad game, especially in the NBA, and goes against everything that is great about sports. I watch basketball once a year, and that's only when the college tournament starts, and I waste $10 filling out a bracket. Because I have what's called a "Gamblin' Jones".

Kids, I submit that hockey is a lot better game than basketball. And I know what you're going to say. "But SFG, basketball is much more popular. Hell, more people watch poker than hockey. You're obviously a dipshit". Fair enough, but in the future, please try not to confuse me with logic. And I'm not a dipshit.

If you'll allow, I'd like to make a case why hockey is better. After you read this, please feel free to throw in a comment at the end, either telling me I'm right, or I'm full of crap.

1. Speed- Hockey is absolutely the fastest of all the major sports (and please don't tell me NASCAR is a major sport there, Zeke, or Dale, or Ricky, or whatever the fuck your name is). Players reach speeds of 20-25 miles per hour, which is right up there with how fast Usain Bolt ever ran the 100 meters. They can shoot pucks at over 100 MPH, which makes it kind of fascinating why assholes like me would ever stand in front of that on purpose. But that's a whole other article.

Now, combine that skating speed with: a) the fact that they're in a pretty enclosed area, and b) there are boys going approximately the same speed trying to knock their fucking head off their shoulders, and you have the potential for some pretty good wrecks. And wrecks are a good thing, right Zeke?

Unfortunately. that very thing that makes it better actually hurts the popularity of the sport. Because the puck moves so fast, they haven't found a way to follow it yet on television, even with HD. I think that's the most common objection I've heard, and it's a fair point. If technology ever catches up, I think the game will grow by leaps and bounds.

(Writer's note- Remember when Fox tried the "glow puck" back in the nineties, and it would have that red flame coming off of it after a slap shot? Goddamn, that was a bad idea. Right up there with Teen Mom and ever allowing Dane Cook to tell a joke. What a queef that guy is.)

2. Watching the game live- Boys and girls, it isn't even close. At a basketball game, things don't get exciting until there are about two minutes left. Until then, you can go get a beer, grab a bite to eat, or go read the paper while taking a life changing, half hour crap. You aren't going to miss anything except the twentieth monster dunk of the night, because those jagoffs don't play any defense.

At a hockey game, you don't dare leave your seat until the end of the period. If you do, you could miss a goal, which is an event compared to basketball. There are around a hundred baskets made every night in the NBA, but maybe four or five goals in the NHL. Scoring goals is very difficult, so you really need to stay and watch so you don't miss anything. Not to mention all the other things hockey has, like great passing, acrobatic saves, huge hits, and of course, fighting.

Speaking of which...

3. The fights- Come on, don't act all indignant and shit, you know you fuckin' love the fights. What other team sport in the world lets two guys hook like a sonofabitch for 30 seconds or a minute, and then five minutes later, they're back playing like nothing ever happened?

People are always screaming about how fighting should be banned from hockey. I say bullshit. Fighting is a necessary way for players to police themselves, and keeps them from retaliating more with their sticks. That's when you can really hurt a guy.

And here are the cool parts about it. First, they never let a fight happen if there is too much of a size difference between the players. If a big guy is matched up with a little guy, the refs either break it up straightaway, or the big boy just skates away and waits for someone his own size to fight.

Second, when a player starts to gain an advantage, and he has the other guy either at his mercy or down on the ice, he'll just stop fighting and skate to the penalty box. There is absolutely a code to fighting in hockey- they all know that sometimes it's their job, but when they win the fight, they don't pummel the loser, they just let him go and skate away. Normal people might think the players are a bunch of thugs, but there is real honor in that.

And every once in a blue moon, a couple of goalies will square off, and that always makes for some real fun. Unless you're Timmy Thomas (see the clip below this article).

On the other hand, have you ever seen a basketball fight? I think it's because the players are so tall and their arms are so long, but it always turns into an open handed, bitch-slap fest, with guys swinging wildly like a whirling dervish. Or they'll sucker punch a guy, and then run away like a pussy, like my pal Carmelo did in New York a couple of years ago.

Hockey players never do that. When they throw a punch, they stick around and own it.

4. Trash talk and taunting- Basketball players are good at talkin' shit- no doubt about it. It's just part of the game's culture. But you know what? It gets old after a while. How often are you watching Sportscenter, and see a player dunk over his opponent, and then just glare at him, or yell something like, "What's my name, bitch!"

They do this because they know that clip will get them on Sportscenter. That program is maybe the best and worst thing that has ever happened in our sports culture. It's terrific being able to get sports news 24 hours a day, but it's also been a Pandora's Box for bad behavior.

I'll tell you what- if a hockey player ever scored, and then went back to the goalie and said something like that, I guarantee you that he'd be playing the rest of the game with at least three sticks stuffed up his ass. Like I said, they police themselves, and the game is better off for it.

5. Teamwork- Hockey, in my opinion, is the ultimate team game. A group of five guys busting their ass and working together on the ice can a lot of times outperform a team of higher caliber players (see:1980 Winter Olympics). One hockey player cannot carry an entire team by himself because a) nobody has been able to skate through all five guy since Bobby Orr in the 60's, and b)even the best players are only on the ice for about a third of the game.

You may ask, "What about Wayne Gretzky?". As great as Gretzky was, and for all the goals he scored, he never would have won one Stanley Cup, much less four, without the likes of Mark Messier, Jari Curry and the goaltending of Grant Fuhr. Edmonton won a cup after Gretzky moved to Los Angeles, because they still had most of their group together, and they were one hell of a team.

By contrast, look at what's happened to the Cleveland Cavaliers this season because LeBron made his "decision" to "take his talents to South Beach" (maybe the biggest cocksucker move ever). They set a team sports record for consecutive losses, and are currently the worst team in the league. This is one year after they had the best record in the league. That would never, ever happen in hockey.

Basketball, especially now in the NBA, has become a game of isolation. The scorer gets the ball, his four teammates take their defenders off to the side, and they play one on one. Passing has become almost a thing of the past. There is only one team that plays unselfish, team ball, and that is the San Antonio Spurs. Oh, they have the best record in the league, in case you were wondering. Can you name two players on that team? Didn't think so. Team play isn't very sexy.

That's what the NBA has become.

6. Character- Okay, here's the biggest thing for me. The main reason I can't stand to watch the NBA anymore is because how the players conduct themselves on the court. Too many act like a bunch of punks, and are just horrible role models for kids. Ron Artest wades into the crowd in Detroit and attacks a fan who threw ice at him (he got the wrong fan, by the way). Gilbert Arenas pulls a loaded gun on a teammate in the locker room over a gambling debt. The list goes on and on.

And the selfishness in basketball is overwhelming. Here's a good example- I hate to pick on my man Carmelo again (well, no I don't), but the other night in his Knick debut, he scored 27 points. Great night, right? He got those points by going 10 of 25 from the field. With one lousy assist. The rest of the entire team took 55 shots. That was a regular thing while he was here in Denver. It's like that all over the league. The good players are going to take most of the shots, and it doesn't really matter whether they're having a bad night or not.

Hockey is an entirely different story. You hear all the time from journalists how hockey players are the nicest, most accommodating guys in sports. I think it's partly because so many of these boys come from small towns, and partly because so many are raised in good, solid family units.

Last season, I got to coach on my kid's team, and we played against Joe Sakic's kid in the playoffs. He was an assistant coach as well. We scored with less than a second left in double overtime, and knocked his team out of the playoffs. In the handshake line after the game, he could not have been nicer to our kids, and all of our coaches. All class- I'll never forget that.

But the biggest thing is the culture of the game itself. One player cannot do it all by himself, while the others stand on the side and watch. Every phase of the game has to be good for a team to be successful. A decent example is Roberto Luongo, who might be the best goalie in the world right now. He's easily in the top three. A few years ago, he played for the Florida Panthers, and they lost a lot more than they won. Now he plays for Vancouver, and they have one of the best records in the league. Is Luongo better now than he was then? Nope. He's just surrounded by a better team.

Next time you watch an NBA game, look what happens when a player makes a big shot. More often than not, you'll see them beating on their chest, mugging for a camera, or doing that bullshit thing where they pop their jersey. When a hockey player scores a goal, the first thing he almost always does is point at the guy who passed him the puck. Maybe it's just me, but I find that a lot more appealing to watch.

And I swear to God this isn't a white/black thing. There are some good guys in the NBA, like Chauncey Billups and Tim Duncan, and there are some assholes in the NHL, like Sean Avery and Todd Bertuzzi. Avery is a complete waste of flesh, and Bertuzzi should still be in the slammer for almost killing Steve Moore and ending his career. Race has absolutely nothing to do with it. You're either a dick or you're not.

So anyway, that's my case. Like I said earlier, I'm apparently in the minority, because lots more people watch basketball than hockey. Ratings are up, and highlights dominate ESPN every night.

But you know what? I don't think I'm wrong.