OLD DAWGS WIN FIRST SDOHL CUP

Click to enlarge-but I wouldn't if I were you. Lots of fugly in this bunch.

Things were looking pretty grim in Dawg Nation this year. After six consecutive seasons of bringing home at least one championship from the four Dawgs teams in various leagues, the Nation was down to it's last chance. If there was going to be some hardware to display at the annual Dawgs party in June, it would have to be supplied by the old timers in the Over 4o league.

And after three nail-biting playoff wins, of which two went to overtime, the Dawgs completed a postseason sweep with a solid 4-1 win over a very good Touchstone Imaging squad. The boys were then awarded the inaugural SDOHL Cup, which goes to the league champions.

French-Canadian import Bern Levesque, who illegally entered the U.S. by crossing the St. Lawrence River in a hollowed out baguette, came through huge for his team with a three goal hat trick. Levesque's brother-in-law and fellow stinky French guy Chris Courtiol assisted on all four Dawgs goals, and Eric Wilks contributed with his second marker of the playoffs, which proved to be the eventual game winner.

After letting in an early goal that could be generously described as a steaming piece of shit, Dawgs netminder Al Sterner, aided immensely by a giant effort from his defense, removed his head from his rectum just long enough to make 23 saves. The backchecking effort was terrific from the Dawgs forwards, especially Levesque and Dave Chamberlin, who spent much of the third period patrolling the defensive zone.

Because they finished first during the regular season with a less than overwhelming record of 12-8, and won their first three playoff games, the Old Dawgs had to wait a week to see who their opponents would be in the finals. It turned out to be Touchstone, a team they defeated 5-4 in an exciting shootout in the semifinals.

Touchstone made their way to the championship contest with a 5-3 win against the Llamas, despite being outshot 26-9. They rode on the back of the best goalkeeper in the league, Tim Kmetz, who led the SDOHL in goals against average during the regular season. Kmetz achievement was despite the fact that he comes from Minnesota, sports a beard that looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, and needs to buy a vowel for his last name.


Welcome to Dawg Nation, Timmy

The final game was less than a minute old when Touchstone's Chris Romine centered a pass from the corner to the top of the crease in the Dawgs' zone. "Goaltender extraordinaire" Sterner tried to deflect the pass away and out of danger, but instead the puck hit the heel of his stick and caromed into his own net.

Just a bitchin' play, Al. 1-0, Touchstone.


Sterner

But Levesque would erase the deficit in the 11th minute of the first when he received a nice outlet pass from the Dawgs bi-curious captain Marty Richardson, skated in alone on Kmetz, crossed in front of the net, and fired high to the stick side. Kmetz got a huge piece of the puck, but it still managed to trickle in to level the contest at one.

The Old Dawgs got a huge boost just fifteen seconds before the end of the first, when proud sexual deviant Eric "The Hungarian Jackhammer" Wilks banged in a rebound to put his team on top. For the second time in the period, Kmetz partially stopped the puck, but it still managed to sneak over the goal line. It was the Wilks' second goal of the playoffs, and came with assists from Courtiol and defenseman Eddie Cribbs.

Touchstone came out hard in the second period, and dominated play for much of the frame, outshooting the Dawgs by a 12-5 margin. But despite several stretches where the puck stayed in the Dawgs zone for an extended time, the good guys were able to weather the storm. And against the run of play, they actually got the only goal of the middle session, when Levesque put in his second goal of the game, off of another nice assist from Courtiol.



Kmetz again almost kept the puck out of his cage, but for the third time, it just barely crawled in. Two of the three goals never even made it to the back of the net, but they were still as good as gold, and the Old Dawgs held a precarious 3-1 advantage heading to the final stanza.

During the regular season, the Old Dawgs had lost several two goal leads in the third period, and usually for two reasons. First, instead of concentrating on defense and protecting the lead, they would continue to pinch in the offensive zone, resulting in being outnumbered in their own end. It wouldn't be fair to mention who did that most of the time.

But his initials are: Tito Pijanowski


"Holy shit...I play defense?"

And second, there was this guy:


Sterner, doing what he does best: looking behind him

But when it came to the final game, and having a chance to win a championship, the boys played good, solid hockey. Again, Touchstone had several periods where they controlled play in the Dawgs' zone, but the puck stayed to the outside most of the time, and Sterner only had to deal with five shots. Again, forwards Levesque and Chamberlin were terrific, both ignoring offense most of the time in order to have another defensive player available in the back.

And when Touchstone pulled Kmetz in favor of an extra attacker with a minute remaining, Levesque completed his hat trick, nudging the puck over the line from a bad angle with four ticks left on the clock. It was Levesque's seventh goal of the playoffs, and even more impressive considering he is, you know, French.

So the Old Dawgs bring a trophy home to The Nation, keeping the title streak alive. The SDOHL will have a little different format this summer, with all players entering a draft, so the Dawgs might be broken up a bit. But next fall, the "sporty and mostly shorty over-40" will reunite to defend their championship, and try their best not to break a hip in the process.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs teammates and brothers-in-law Bern Levesque and Chris Courtiol celebrate after the big game with a very awkward man-hug. They are both exceptionally happy because it's the first time The French have ever won anything.


Yikes...

It took some effort, but Tito Pijanowski found a way to make himself look even less intelligent than usual.


Polacks: They're fun to watch

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson prepares to celebrate the Old Dawgs' victory in his own very special way:


Guys-who wants to check Cappy's oil? Guys?

Six Dawgs Take the Tattoo Plunge

After looking at this photo, you may be asking yourself, "Holy shit, are they bringing back the Village People?", or "Do they not have the sun where these guys are from? Or maybe "Why is that kid on the left taking a piss in the corner?"

All are good and legitimate questions. But no, there are no plans for the new Village People (if only it were true). These six, pasty white doughy fellows decided to be the first members of Dawg Nation to make it official with a team logo tattoo.

Last Saturday night, they all gathered in the tattoo capitol of Northern Colorado, Longmont, and journeyed together to a parlor that has undergone several name changes. First, it was "Tat's Incredible!", but later switched to "Tats and Ass!".

Recently, though, they reopened under new management, and it is now called, "I Thought I Saw a Pussy Tat!"

So these six brave soldiers, sporting a combined IQ of around 135, took the needle and thus took Dawg Nation to an entirely new level.

Let's just introduce they cast, shall we? First, it's the team of Danny Packard and his dad, "Superfan" Rob Packard.



Rob is a Dawg Nation Hockey Foundation board member, and the guy most often in the stands watching Dawgs games. He received the first tattoo of his life, after getting a reluctant okay from his beautiful wife Kelli. Kelli reasoned that it would make things easier when she and Rob play "The Hell's Angel and the naughty biker chick" on Saturday nights. In case you were wondering, Rob plays the role of the biker chick.

Danny is one of the inspirations for our charitable foundation, kicking the ass of thyroid cancer in the past year. He decided to get his Dawgs logo on his ribs, reasoning that he's been married since last August, and nothing could possibly be more painful than that. From all reports, it was close.

Tito Pijanowski is another Dawgs board member, and has recently taken to trimming his hair and mustache to look like Freddie Mercury from Queen. He also plays defense like, well, Freddie Mercury from Queen. He's hoping not to die the same way Freddie did, but at this point, it's not completely out of the question.


Fun fact: Tito thinks "Dawg" is spelled correctly

Nathaniel Akell is one of the younger members of Dawg Nation, and is the second funniest. This good natured hemp aficianado received his tattoo below his bicep, which he proudly shows off in this picture.



What Akell didn't take into account, is that in twenty years gravity and age will kick in. Then, because of the sag factor, it will appear that the Dawg is constantly going for a walk. Best of luck with that, Nate.

Akell was also the only Dawg in the group with previous tattoo experience, receiving one a few years ago that is both stylish and informative.



Josh Adams was the youngest Dawg to receive a tattoo, and failed to inform his parents that he would be changing his body forever. He will now be grounded for one month, and will not be able to play Call of Duty: Don't Ask/Don't Tell with his friends.

Josh received his Dawg logo on his shoulder blade, as shown here:



But it was later discovered that the real reason for the location was to give this guy something to look at during "boom boom time".


The poor kid will never be able to fart again...

And finally, Dawg Nation founder, president, and former pogo pumper Marty Richardson made good on his promise from two years ago, when Dawgs I won their first championship. The delay was that he was actually considering several other designs to be his first tattoo:







But once he finally settled on the standard, terrific Dawgs logo, there was only one other question. Could he find at least five other people stupid enough to join him? As was shown in the hugely successful Dawg Bowl I tournament, his powers of persuasion are like no other. The guy could sell beach houses in Japan.


Too soon? Nah...

He also brought his wife Cindy and two of his lovely daughters for moral support. But they spent most of the evening lamenting at how difficult it is to live under the same roof with such a complete tool.


"No, kids, Dad wasn't always a douche. Just for the past fifteen years or so..."

So the moment came. Marty peeled off the flannel shirt he was wearing from the Ellen DeGeneres collection, and revealed a muscle shirt that he must have borrowed from Mickey Rourke for the weekend. Then, after roughly a half hour of sobbing, and pleading for tattoo artist Dean Paget to "make the ouchie stop", Marty displayed his ink.


You just can't help but be intimidated by that sight

So here again are the first six to make the lifetime commitment to Dawg Nation, along with their artist:


Jesus H. tap dancin' Christ...

They are a very diverse group. Some are young, and some are old. Some are gay, and some could go either way. Some are white, and some are really white. At least one is a big old Polack. Some should never be seen without a shirt, and...no, they all should never be seen without a shirt.

But if they weren't before, they will now always be a band of brothers. They now have a permanent momento of the growing entity that is Dawg Nation.

Players My Age Can Be Dickheads? Who Knew?

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