Family Night and Miss USA III

So last Sunday night, the family and I gathered for the third straight year to watch the Miss USA beauty pageant. Along with the National Spelling Bee, beauty pageants are our favorite things to watch as a group, because we spend two hours making fun of the contestants.

Since we began this family tradition (archive back to 5/2010 and 4/2009 if you want to see the old ones), I've noticed a trend. As the kids have gotten older, the content has become a lot dirtier. Funny how that works, huh? But this year, the smut rose to an entirely new level, as you'll see in the next few minutes as you read my annual diary for the evening.

As you follow our journey, you'll probably wonder why I'm okay with my teenage kids making inappropriate comments, and using bad language. It's a fair question. Here's my thinking: as much as you might think that your kid doesn't swear...he or she really does. I did when I was that age, and so did you. So to think that they don't is being naive.

And as much as I paint a picture of them being deviants, we really have great kids. They all do great in school, they're respectful to adults, and they know when and when not to use bad language. So I let them speak like adults because they've earned it. And adults swear. So if that makes me a bad parent, well... then fuck it.

So without any other stipulations, buckle up, and let's get to the 2011 Miss USA Pageant!

8:00- Welcome back to the basement fortress! Tonight, we've once again put together the usual cast of characters, including my beautiful wife Annie, plus my sons Mike (16), Sam (15), and Ben (11). I'll be the chubby little fella sitting in my easy chair, scratching notes as fast as I can, and trying not to pass out while laughing at my kids.

Tonight, Annie has introduced a special deal to all of the boys down in the old fortress. She has offered to take all the reins off when it comes to inappropriate comments, which is a first for her. She usually tries (most of the time unsuccessfully) to at least keep the nastiest comments to a minimum. But tonight, anything goes, if....the boys can go the entire two hours without farting out loud.

The boys put their heads together, think about it for a moment, and take the deal. I personally don't think they can make it, because together they have more gas than the fuckin' Hindenburg, but let's give it a shot.

The pageant is back at the Planet Hollywood Casino in Las Vegas, and this year will be hosted by the annoying Giuliana Rancic from E!, and Andy Cohen from Bravo, a network that doesn't deserve an exclamation point. Sam and Mike yell "Goo!", when Cohen is introduced. I ask what the hell that means. They say that's what you call a gay Jew. Annie immediately regrets the deal she made a few minutes ago. First DVR pause of the evening while I bust up for a minute.

The first thing they do is have all the contestants introduce themselves- it gives us a chance to evaluate everybody, and try to select the winner out the original 51. Mike actually plucked Miss Michigan out of the group last year, and she ended up winning, which was very impressive.

They go through the girls so fast, it's hard to get a good look, but we stop the DVR when we see something interesting:

Miss Alaska- Mike steals a line from South Park, and yells out, "Goddamn polar gook!". Annie hadn't heard that one- actually cracks her up, which doesn't happen often.

Georgia- She obviously bleaches her hair, and Annie is all over that. She's our expert on dye jobs, and fake boobs. Mike says, "I wonder if she bleaches her vag? I'll bet she has a snow beaver". But he says it so it sounds like "beav-uh".

DVR pause- we're not two minutes in, and I'm crying already. New record.

Louisiana- Typical pageant big hair, but she looks like she's around 45. Sam says "She's a MILF, though."

Minnesota- Bad makeup choice- she looks like a raccoon. Mike- "Holy shit, my weiner just retreated. My name is Brittany, I'm 24, and I like scraps!"

Nevada- Our first contestant of the night that might be a dude. She needs to give Gary Busey his teeth back. Sam- "I'll bet she's the master of tucking".

New Hampshire- Tiny head- looks like Bert from Sesame Street.

Ohio- Big old girl- kind of like Brooke Hogan, except even bigger than that. Mike yells out in a really deep voice, "ME...HAVE...COCK!!!"

We are now only four fucking minutes in, and I'm laughing so hard, I'm almost exhausted. Both sleeves of my shirt are wet from wiping away tears. No way I make two hours of this. I need a moment to get my shit together. Extended DVR pause, please...

8:10- Okay, we're back. They cut down straightaway to the top 15 after the original parade of states, but first we need to meet our analysts for the evening. One of them is Susie Castillo, who was Miss USA once, but the years haven't been kind since. Ben sums up the other one, when he says, "Who's the fat dude on the left?"

Turns out it's Kelly Osbourne. But congrats to Ben for getting a comment in for the first time. He'll be as sick as the other two little bastards in no time. Kelly's lost weight recently, but she's still icky, especially with the tats all over her arms. Nice call on that, Princess of Darkness.

8:15- Okay, we're down to 15. I won't list them all, because this article is already going to be as long as War and Peace. We all made our picks after the intros- Mike took California, Sam had North Carolina, and Ben nabbed Utah. I had to negotiate with Annie- we both had New York, but I backed off and picked Indiana, because I'm just that good of a human being. That, and she promised to give me the old "rub and tug" later on. Okay, not really.

The only one of our picks that didn't make the top 15 was North Carolina, and Sam yelled, "My penis betrayed me!" It won't be the last time, son...

8:25- Alrighty, it's our favorite time of the evening- the swimsuit competition! Mike says, "Look, I've already got a quarter chub!" I don't look.

They'll all be strutting their stuff to the song Blow, by Ke$ha. The boys' eyes light up like kids in a candy store. I have a feeling they may be changing some of the lyrics. In fact, I'm absolutely positive they'll be changing the lyrics. Annie is secretly wishing one of them will fart so she can put the censorship button back on.

The "Snow Beavuh" from Georgia makes it to the top 15, but she's just okay in a swimsuit. Tennessee is really good, and Missouri looks great in a blue bikini. Mike says, "Wow, her suit and my balls are the same color right now". Goddammit- DVR pause again...

Meanwhile, Sam's in the background, singing My dick's about to blowwww....oh,oh oh oh oh oh, oh...(if you've heard the song, you know the part I'm talking about).

Annie, Ben and I make a startling discovery while the older boys continue to alter the way I'll ever listen to the Ke$ha song for the rest of my life. Our picks (New York, Utah, and Indiana, respectively) all have one thing in common. To quote my dad..."They gots no boobs". Uh-oh...nobody wins a Donald Trump pageant without lots of sweater meat. We couldn't tell during the original parade of states, but now we all know we're fucked.

Sam still isn't letting up on the song: Go insane, go insane, wrap your lips around my brain...now put it in your hands, hands; put it in your hands....

Honest to God, I might have a fuckin' conniption before this thing is over. I feel numbness and tingling down my left arm- is that a bad sign?

Florida comes out, and she's way, way skinny, except for the boobage. Annie calls fake boob alert right away, and we notice she has stretch marks by her hip bones, which we see because she has her suit riding way too low. Mike says, "She must have gotten her vag lowered".

Hawaii is next, and she is of Asian descent. Mike chimes in again- "I wonder if she plays the gook-ulele?" Holy shit, that was spontaneously quick. I'm sorry- I know I'm a bad parent, but I can't help but be impressed.

Here comes California, who is Mike's pick. We didn't notice during the original parade, but she has reddish hair, which is usually a deal breaker for both the older kids. Sam yells, "Mike, she's a ginger!" Mike yells back, "Ah, goddammit!" Then Sam steals a line from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and says, "I wonder if the drapes match the pubes".

Annie begs for someone...anyone... to fart right now so she can get this thing under control. She'll receive no help from me- I'm pretty much a quivering mass of Jello in the easy chair rght now.

8:45- Okay, they're ready to cut from 15 to eight, which is strange because they usually trim to ten. As we expected, Indiana, New York, and Utah got bounced, along with the "snow beavuh" from Georgia. The only one of our original picks left is Mike's ginger from California.

When the eight are introduced, they quickly put up some biographical info as they come forward. Here's a tidbit that sticks out- Miss Alabama would like to "have lunch with Helen Keller". The boys go straight to the Kelen Keller jokes, including falling off a cliff and masturbating. Where do they hear all this shit? And I know what you're thinking. It wasn't from me...up yours.

We then discover that California is naturally blonde, but dyes her hair auburn. Mike feels a little bit better, but still regrets backing a "daywalker". Whatever the fuck that is.

After all the eight are introduced, they go to Kelly Osbourne for her analysis. Here lipstick is really a strange color. We all try to decide what shade it is.

Me: "Hot pink?"

Annie: "I don't know, but it's ugly."

Mike- "Labia?"

Sam- "Vagina lips?"

Mike- "Sam, you idiot. That's what a labia is."

Sam- "I didn't know that. I thought 'labia' was the country where that Gaddafi guy lives. Screw you, Mike".

9:05- I'm not sure what happened for the last 10 minutes. I think I had that conniption I was talking about a few minutes ago when I heard that labia conversation from the boys, and everything went black for a bit. I honestly don't give a flying fuck about the pageant anymore. I'm 52, and I don't think I've ever laughed this much in my life. And I thought watching the spelling bee with these boners was funny.

9:10- It's time for the evening gown competition, which none of us likes very much, except Annie. Tonight, as they walk down the runway, they'll be accompanied by none other than Tinie Tempah, and his song "Million Miles Away". He's joined by someone named Eric Turner, who's wearing a hat that makes him look like a Jewish Inspector Gadget.

Writer's note: Why don't hip-hop guys have real names? Pit Bull, Ne-Yo, Soulja Boy, etc. The only one I can think of right off hand is Chris Brown, who should change his name to Bitch Puncha, or something like that. I'm just saying...

I guess it goes all right, but like I said a few minutes ago, I'm in regroup mode right now. Maryland scores the best, and Mike's California ginger did great as well. South Carolina looked like she should have been in Gone With the Wind, and Alabama's got a big ol' butt.

Kelly Osbourne is saying something, but I can't look at her any more. She'll be the "talking labia" forever- I can't do anything about it now- it's out of my hands.

9:30- Now they're cutting down to four, which is again different than the usual five. Mike's girl is still in, along with Tennessee, who is great looking, Texas, who ain't, and Alabama. It is actually five, if you include Alabama's big ol' butt.

9:35- They always have commercials for feminine products during pageants, and we're watching one for something called a "Nuvaring". Without getting real graphic (because, gee, I'd never want to offend anyone), it's a device that's inserted once a month, and does a 99% job of birth control for women.

Mike- "Wait... you have to put that thing in your gooch for a whole month?"

Me- "Did you just say 'gooch'?"

Sam- "Jesus! That's gross!"

For some reason, they show it after it's taken out.

Mike- "Holy shit! It looks like a baked apple!"

Fuck me...I physically can't laugh any more. Please, sweet tap dancin' Jahovah, make it stop...

9:45- Now comes the most important part of the evening-the final question for the last four contestants:

California- Asked about medical marijuana- says it's okay as long as there is a physical need for it. I play hockey with several guys that got their card- told the doctor they have a bad back or some bullshit. What a racket that is. Anyway, she did okay- pretty safe answer.

Texas- Says it's not okay to burn the flag (they'd never let her back home if she said anything different). She also says it would be bad to burn the Muslim Koran, so I guess that makes her an "equal opportunity redneck". Whatever- she's not very attractive...

Tennessee- Asked about politicians that Twitter pictures of their dick to girls. Nice job on that, Congressman Weiner. She gives a good answer- she has a great chance to win.

Alabama- She thinks bullies should be prosecuted when their victims kill themselves. She repeats herself several times, and stammers through most of her answer. She should have let her big ol' butt answer the question.

We're almost finished. And then I can recover for a few hours- I'm not shittin' you- my stomach hurts.

Right before they go to commercial, they show all the four finalists one more time. Mike says, "Hey, dad?".

Uh-oh. "Yeah, Mike?"

"I don't know about you, but I can't imagine any of those girls taking a big old runny shit. You know, the 'Canadian squirts'? How about you?" Wasn't expecting that one- I've literally run out of tears at this point.

I get it now. That little fucker is trying to kill me, because he thinks I'm heavily insured, and he might get a car. The bad part is, there's about a 50/50 chance based on the last two hours. Devious little bastard...

9:50- Thank Vishnu, we're almost done. Here are the results:

4th place- Texas: I thought she finished a lot higher than she should have.

3rd place- Alabama: She really overachieved- she was Christina Aguilera thick.

2nd place- Tennessee: Dammit, I was rooting for her ever since Indiana lost because she had no knockers.

That means...yes, Miss California wins. And that also means that for the second year in a row, Mike picks the winner from the original 51. You know how they use a divining rod to find water? I think Mike points his dick at the screen at the start of the pageant and finds the winner that way. No other way to explain it.

So, boys and girls, that's another year for me and the family watching the Miss USA pageant. I'm sorry if the content got a little out of hand, but that's really what happens during these shows in our basement.

I'm just warning you right now, Miss Universe is in September, and it might actually be worse, because you're mixing in foreign girls, so that opens up a whole other kettle of fish. So when you see "Family Night and Miss Universe", just proceed at your own risk.

Just between you and I, I know you'll read it just to see what the kids say. See you then.

If You Don't Love Soccer Now, You Have No Pulse

Kids, I've been watching sports seriously since I was around seven, when my first hero Johnny Unitas played quarterback for the old Baltimore Colts. That means I've been obsessed with various games for the past 45 years. And yeah, I know I'm fuckin' old. Shut up.

In that time, I've seen some unbelievable shit. Of course, the top of the list is when Team USA won the hockey gold medal in the 1980 Olympics. And there have been other amazing things, like Kirk Gibson hitting a game winning home run for the Dodgers in the 1988 World Series with two bad legs, and Jack Nicklaus winning the 1986 Masters at age 46. Those are on the top of my list, but there have been hundreds of things that have defied belief over the years.

But this morning, my kids and I sat down and watched the U.S. women's soccer team play Brazil in the quarter finals of the World Cup in Germany. And the drama that happened in those two and a half hours was better than almost anything I've ever seen. I'll never be able to do it justice, but I'll try to describe what happened.

Before I start, let me just say that even though I write mostly about hockey, we're pretty much a soccer family. In fact, around our house, we call it football like the rest of the world does. I played for 25 years, and three of my kids play now. It gets a bad name in America, but when it's played right, like in the English Premier League, it's just beautiful to watch.

Anyway, these were the two best teams still left in the tournament, and they were only playing in the quarters because the U.S. fucked up their last preliminary game Wednesday against Sweden. The big favorites, Germany, lost yesterday at home to Japan in the "World War II Losers Match", so the winner of this game was pretty much in the driver's seat for the World Cup.

America received a gift early, when after only one minute, a Brazilian player accidentally knocked the ball into her own net (called an own goal), and the good guys were up one. The rest of the half was pretty ugly, with neither team getting very many good chances, so we were ahead 1-0 at the break.

The second half was a whole other story. About 18 minutes in, the best player in the world, Marta from Brazil (not sure why all Brazilian players only use one name, but they do), made a terrific move around 10 yards from goal, and was fouled by the American Rachel Buehler.

Writer's note: I'm going to stop for just a moment so you guys can get this out of your system (think of Ben Stein's voice):

Buehler?

Buehler?

Buehler?

Anyone?

Okay, we're back. Because the foul took away a good scoring chance, Buehler was red carded, and given the rest of the day off (See what I did there? Thank you-I'm here all week). For those of you out there that know jack-shit about soccer (and that's just about all of you), that meant that USA would have to play a woman short for the rest of the game. Borderline call by the Australian referee, but I understood why she sent her off.

So on the ensuing penalty kick, the U.S. goalie, Hope Solo, made a giant save (penalties are saved maybe two out of ten times usually), and it looked like we were still ahead by one. But no, the ref determined that Solo left her line too early before the kick was taken, and Brazil got another chance. This time they made it, and the match was level at one.

The replay showed that Solo was nowhere near coming off her line before the kick, and this would begin possibly the worst stretch of officiating I've ever seen in an organized sport. We'll get back to that in a bit.

There was still over 20 minutes left in regulation, but the Americans held on without giving up another goal (Solo was fuckin' brilliant). So they went to extra time, which is an additional 30 minutes, without sudden death. That meant that our women played almost half the game shorthanded. You hockey players out there, imagine being on a penalty kill for half the game. Not an easy task, right?

Just two minutes into the extra frame, Brazil scored when Marta flicked in a terrific shot off the inside of the post. But the replay showed that the original pass was offside, but not whistled down. Un-fucking-believable. 2-1, but there were still 28 minutes left. Thank God for no sudden death.

USA spent those 28 minutes doing everything they could to get the equalizer. And Brazil was doing everything they could to delay the game, so time would run out. And the referee was letting them get away with it, while missing a menagerie of calls, mostly on who touched the ball last before it went out of bounds. She was clearly in over her head, and the whole world was watching this Australian skank fuck up a pretty good game. The kids and I were just going bat-shit down in the basement while we watched.

The worst came with about three minutes left in overtime. America was putting on a ton of pressure in the Brazil goal area, when all of a sudden, one of their defenders (Erika, #13) grabbed her back and just dropped to the ground like she'd been shot. She rolled around on the ground, and had to be stretchered off, after laying there for around three minutes.

The stretcher went about twenty feet, when this bitch jumped off of it and ran back onto the field, showing zero signs of the injury. Worst case of time wasting I've ever seen. This is why Americans hate soccer. Soccer players, especially from the Latin countries, will cheat their asses off to win a game, and have no problem faking an injury to waste time in a close match, or flopping to get a foul call when they're not even touched. It's embarrassing, and it's a black mark on a beautiful sport. They need to put a stop to it, and right fucking now.

But there was a silver lining to all that nonsense. The German crowd, who already sensed that the Americans were getting gang banged by the refs, completely turned on the Brazilians, booing and whistling every time they touched the ball. And, believe it or not, the whole crowd started chanting "USA!!!USA!!!USA!!!". I doubt that has ever happened in Europe, and it just had to fire up our women.

So the 30 minutes ran out, but the officials actually added on another three, because of all the time wasting tactics (probably should have been more like five or six, but three wasn't too bad from that bunch of dipshits). The U.S. needed to score a goal, or they were heading home.

They only needed two minutes. Abby Wambach, the oldest, most experienced, and probably least attractive of the American players, got on the end of a delicious long crossing ball from Megan Rapinoe, and headed in a beauty from about six yards out. Tell you what- she got a lot better looking to the boys and I when that ball hit the back of the net.


Maybe this is why the Germans loved us. Imagine her with a tiny moustache. She looks a little bit like Hitler, right?

Well, we went fuckin' nuts down in the basement. Scoring a late goal almost never happens, and it just came out of nowhere. So now, we were going to penalty kicks to decide the game. Best of five moved on to the semifinals. All the Brazilians had a stunned look on their faces. The funny part was that if Erika hadn't faked her fucking back injury, they never would have added three minutes, and Brazil would have won.

Karma, baby...

Usually one save is good enough to win a shootout, and we liked our chances because Hope Solo is so damned good. To me, she's women soccer's version of Patrick Roy- kind of a bitch, but absolutely the person you want between the pipes. Plus, she's as close as anyone on the whole U.S. squad that's decent looking.



Both teams banged in their first few shots, but then on the third Brazilian shooter (same girl that scored the own goal early), Hope dove to her right, got a couple of fingers on the ball, and deflected it past the post. It was beautiful. This time the moron ref let the save stand- I'd bet the house that Solo would have strangled her if she would have called it back.

The U.S. hit their first four penalties, so it was all up to defender Ali Krieger, who just happens to play professionally in Germany. If she made hers, the game would be over. The boys and I were on the edge of our seats. She stepped up, and calmly passed the ball right into the lower left corner of the net. Game over. And of course, we jumped around the basement for a few minutes.

It was one of the best games I've ever seen- easily top five. The quality of play was great, there were great villains with the Brazilians and the refs, and the game was really important. Combine a thunderbolt of a goal in the last minute with winning in a shootout, and you have yourself a memory that will last a long time. If you didn't see it, look for it on ESPN Classic. I'll bet they show it soon, and you won't be disappointed.