If You Don't Love Soccer Now, You Have No Pulse

Kids, I've been watching sports seriously since I was around seven, when my first hero Johnny Unitas played quarterback for the old Baltimore Colts. That means I've been obsessed with various games for the past 45 years. And yeah, I know I'm fuckin' old. Shut up.

In that time, I've seen some unbelievable shit. Of course, the top of the list is when Team USA won the hockey gold medal in the 1980 Olympics. And there have been other amazing things, like Kirk Gibson hitting a game winning home run for the Dodgers in the 1988 World Series with two bad legs, and Jack Nicklaus winning the 1986 Masters at age 46. Those are on the top of my list, but there have been hundreds of things that have defied belief over the years.

But this morning, my kids and I sat down and watched the U.S. women's soccer team play Brazil in the quarter finals of the World Cup in Germany. And the drama that happened in those two and a half hours was better than almost anything I've ever seen. I'll never be able to do it justice, but I'll try to describe what happened.

Before I start, let me just say that even though I write mostly about hockey, we're pretty much a soccer family. In fact, around our house, we call it football like the rest of the world does. I played for 25 years, and three of my kids play now. It gets a bad name in America, but when it's played right, like in the English Premier League, it's just beautiful to watch.

Anyway, these were the two best teams still left in the tournament, and they were only playing in the quarters because the U.S. fucked up their last preliminary game Wednesday against Sweden. The big favorites, Germany, lost yesterday at home to Japan in the "World War II Losers Match", so the winner of this game was pretty much in the driver's seat for the World Cup.

America received a gift early, when after only one minute, a Brazilian player accidentally knocked the ball into her own net (called an own goal), and the good guys were up one. The rest of the half was pretty ugly, with neither team getting very many good chances, so we were ahead 1-0 at the break.

The second half was a whole other story. About 18 minutes in, the best player in the world, Marta from Brazil (not sure why all Brazilian players only use one name, but they do), made a terrific move around 10 yards from goal, and was fouled by the American Rachel Buehler.

Writer's note: I'm going to stop for just a moment so you guys can get this out of your system (think of Ben Stein's voice):

Buehler?

Buehler?

Buehler?

Anyone?

Okay, we're back. Because the foul took away a good scoring chance, Buehler was red carded, and given the rest of the day off (See what I did there? Thank you-I'm here all week). For those of you out there that know jack-shit about soccer (and that's just about all of you), that meant that USA would have to play a woman short for the rest of the game. Borderline call by the Australian referee, but I understood why she sent her off.

So on the ensuing penalty kick, the U.S. goalie, Hope Solo, made a giant save (penalties are saved maybe two out of ten times usually), and it looked like we were still ahead by one. But no, the ref determined that Solo left her line too early before the kick was taken, and Brazil got another chance. This time they made it, and the match was level at one.

The replay showed that Solo was nowhere near coming off her line before the kick, and this would begin possibly the worst stretch of officiating I've ever seen in an organized sport. We'll get back to that in a bit.

There was still over 20 minutes left in regulation, but the Americans held on without giving up another goal (Solo was fuckin' brilliant). So they went to extra time, which is an additional 30 minutes, without sudden death. That meant that our women played almost half the game shorthanded. You hockey players out there, imagine being on a penalty kill for half the game. Not an easy task, right?

Just two minutes into the extra frame, Brazil scored when Marta flicked in a terrific shot off the inside of the post. But the replay showed that the original pass was offside, but not whistled down. Un-fucking-believable. 2-1, but there were still 28 minutes left. Thank God for no sudden death.

USA spent those 28 minutes doing everything they could to get the equalizer. And Brazil was doing everything they could to delay the game, so time would run out. And the referee was letting them get away with it, while missing a menagerie of calls, mostly on who touched the ball last before it went out of bounds. She was clearly in over her head, and the whole world was watching this Australian skank fuck up a pretty good game. The kids and I were just going bat-shit down in the basement while we watched.

The worst came with about three minutes left in overtime. America was putting on a ton of pressure in the Brazil goal area, when all of a sudden, one of their defenders (Erika, #13) grabbed her back and just dropped to the ground like she'd been shot. She rolled around on the ground, and had to be stretchered off, after laying there for around three minutes.

The stretcher went about twenty feet, when this bitch jumped off of it and ran back onto the field, showing zero signs of the injury. Worst case of time wasting I've ever seen. This is why Americans hate soccer. Soccer players, especially from the Latin countries, will cheat their asses off to win a game, and have no problem faking an injury to waste time in a close match, or flopping to get a foul call when they're not even touched. It's embarrassing, and it's a black mark on a beautiful sport. They need to put a stop to it, and right fucking now.

But there was a silver lining to all that nonsense. The German crowd, who already sensed that the Americans were getting gang banged by the refs, completely turned on the Brazilians, booing and whistling every time they touched the ball. And, believe it or not, the whole crowd started chanting "USA!!!USA!!!USA!!!". I doubt that has ever happened in Europe, and it just had to fire up our women.

So the 30 minutes ran out, but the officials actually added on another three, because of all the time wasting tactics (probably should have been more like five or six, but three wasn't too bad from that bunch of dipshits). The U.S. needed to score a goal, or they were heading home.

They only needed two minutes. Abby Wambach, the oldest, most experienced, and probably least attractive of the American players, got on the end of a delicious long crossing ball from Megan Rapinoe, and headed in a beauty from about six yards out. Tell you what- she got a lot better looking to the boys and I when that ball hit the back of the net.


Maybe this is why the Germans loved us. Imagine her with a tiny moustache. She looks a little bit like Hitler, right?

Well, we went fuckin' nuts down in the basement. Scoring a late goal almost never happens, and it just came out of nowhere. So now, we were going to penalty kicks to decide the game. Best of five moved on to the semifinals. All the Brazilians had a stunned look on their faces. The funny part was that if Erika hadn't faked her fucking back injury, they never would have added three minutes, and Brazil would have won.

Karma, baby...

Usually one save is good enough to win a shootout, and we liked our chances because Hope Solo is so damned good. To me, she's women soccer's version of Patrick Roy- kind of a bitch, but absolutely the person you want between the pipes. Plus, she's as close as anyone on the whole U.S. squad that's decent looking.



Both teams banged in their first few shots, but then on the third Brazilian shooter (same girl that scored the own goal early), Hope dove to her right, got a couple of fingers on the ball, and deflected it past the post. It was beautiful. This time the moron ref let the save stand- I'd bet the house that Solo would have strangled her if she would have called it back.

The U.S. hit their first four penalties, so it was all up to defender Ali Krieger, who just happens to play professionally in Germany. If she made hers, the game would be over. The boys and I were on the edge of our seats. She stepped up, and calmly passed the ball right into the lower left corner of the net. Game over. And of course, we jumped around the basement for a few minutes.

It was one of the best games I've ever seen- easily top five. The quality of play was great, there were great villains with the Brazilians and the refs, and the game was really important. Combine a thunderbolt of a goal in the last minute with winning in a shootout, and you have yourself a memory that will last a long time. If you didn't see it, look for it on ESPN Classic. I'll bet they show it soon, and you won't be disappointed.