Ramblings of a Short Fat Goalie: Old Dawgs On To Semifinals After Two Wins

Well, after two straight SDOHL league championships, this season the Old Dawgs are making things pretty tough on themselves. After losing their first playoff game, the team has clawed their way back to the semifinals via two consecutive victories.

Two weeks ago, the Old Dawgs, who finished first during the regular season, were forced to play the Coyotes, who came in second. They were facing each other in an elimination game, because both were upset in the first round of the SDOHL playoffs.

Right before that game, Dawgs goalie Al Sterner asked B&K Supply keeper Timmy Kmetz to sub for him, because Sterner had the flu and felt like warmed over shit.

Sterner-pregame

So Kmetz dressed, but while he was waiting to go on the ice, the Coyotes captain protested the substitution. Kmetz is rightly an "A" player in the SDOHL Social League, while Sterner is a lowly "B", despite winning this season's Vagina Trophy, given to the netminder with the lowest goals against average in the league.

Vagina Trophy

So even though Old Dawgs captain and former human ball washer Marty Richardson had earlier the same day allowed the Coyotes to substitute for an "A" player, Sterner was forced to dress and play. He got on the ice right as the game was set to start: lightheaded, without a warmup, and very unhappy little chubby bastard.

But he wasn't the most unhappy person on the ice. That honor was saved for one Tito Pijanowski.

"Tito pissed!"

Pijanowski made it a personal mission to make the Coyotes pay for their lack of sportsmanship, and pay they did. He scored three of the six goals his team tallied in the first period, and then three more in the final two periods, as a very highly motivated Old Dawgs squad crushed the Coyotes, 9-0.

The team also took very good care of their goalie, as Sterner would only face eight shots on the night. During the game, there were starting to be some subtle indications that Sterner's health was deteriorating.

Then last week, the Old Dawgs had to face Team Yellow, who had upset them in the first round, but had since fallen into the loser's bracket. The Dawgs would have to find a way to solve Yellow goalie Dave Maney, who was terrific in the first match, only giving up a single marker in the 5-1 win.

But just like the previous game, Team Yellow got on the board first. Just over three minutes in, Jay Johnson backhanded a weak pass to the front of the net, and as Sterner attempted to clear the puck to the side, it instead hit his stick, caromed between his pads, and into the net. It may have been the worst goal of Sterner's or anyone else's life. 1-0, Team Yellow.

The score stayed that way until early in the second, when Old Dawgs center Mario Lopez converted a terrific cross-ice pass from defenseman Dave Chamberlin, and deposited the puck into an empty net to draw his team level.

But Team Yellow would strike back halfway through the middle frame, when Keith Thompson scored to put his team back on top. As the puck was ringing around the boards at ancient Foothills Ice Arena, it hit a ridge in the Zamboni door and bounced right out front to Thompson, who made no mistake. Then five minutes later, Sterner stopped a point blank shot in front, but the rebound went straight to Doreen Hoskins, who was standing alone on the right side. She scooted the puck into the unguarded cage, and it was 3-1 heading to the third, which spelled big trouble for the Old Dawgs.

But Lopez got his second of the game at eight minutes of the third, cutting the Team Yellow lead in half. Then with less than three minutes left, the Old Dawgs equalized, whne Richardson calmly converted a rebound from John Theilen's low shot. It looked like maybe overtime was looming, with the loser booking their tee times for the offseason.

Then with only a minute and a half left, Tito Pijanowski broke down the right side, and into the Team Yellow zone. He was forced outside, but managed to get off a low backhander toward goal. The puck found its way through Maney's pads, and into the net to give the Old Dawgs their first lead of the night, 4-3.

Now desperate to tie the game back up, Team Yellow put big pressure on the Old Dawgs net in the last minute. A shot came in along the ice, which Sterner stopped, and as he went to cover the puck, Yellow's Tom Gunnerson cross checked defenseman Eddie Cribbs. Cribbs flew into Sterner, blasting Sterner's helmet off, snapping his neck, and sending him to straight to Rubberleg Street for a few minutes. Gunnerson also slew-footed Richardson in the same sequence, causing the Dawgs captain to land on the back of his head.

Gunnerson's act shouldn't have come as any surprise, as he was a complete throbbing penis the entire game. He was sent off the ice for the remainder of the contest, but someday there will be payback to #13 in the yellow jersey.

Better keep your head up, you lousy cunt...

Gunnerson's stupid fucking penalty pretty much killed any chance Team Yellow had, and the last minute went by without a shot on goal. So the Old Dawgs survived, and now have a date with Touchstone Imaging tonight at 7:15. The winner will face the Over 40's and French surrender specialist Bernie Levesque in the SDOHL finals.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week, after an extensive search, Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan finally found a human being that's older than he is. It happened to be veteran comedian Tim Conway.