Family Night and the Spelling Bee

So Friday night the SFG family was gathered around the television, spending some quality time together, and looking for something that we could all watch. After some searching, we happened upon the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee, which was being shown in primetime for the first time ever. We knew this had to be our programming choice for the evening.

Now before you get all impressed by our selection, please keep in mind that this is my family:


This is also our Christmas card

Sorry to disappoint, but we didn’t exactly watch this event for educational purposes. For those of you who have never watched the spelling bee before, this is the Super Bowl of mutants and dorks, and we just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to spend a couple of hours having a good old time mocking these kids and their parents.

I believe the phrase you’re searching for is “what an asshole”. Yeah, I know. But my ticket to Hell was punched when I made fun of Leslie Fishbein after she died, so I don’t have anything really to lose.

Anyway, just for fun I decided to keep a running diary of the evening, share the magic with all my new pals on the website, and maybe drag you to Hell with me if you happen to laugh. You're going to feel guilty, but go ahead and let it out.

7:00- The show comes on, and our host for the evening is…Tom Freakin’ Bergeron. As a group, my whole family says, “Aw, crap”. He's so annoying, he makes me wish that Bob Saget was back on America's Funniest Videos. And I hate Bob Saget more than almost anything in the world.

Backstage doing interviews with the contestants is Erin Andrews from ESPN. This will be the only time in their lives that the boys in the event will be anywhere near a good looking girl.

7:05- Now, boys and girls, let’s meet the 12 finalists! Pay attention to this part, because I’m giving most of the contestants their own nicknames. You’ll see why in a second. If you think I’m writing out some of these names all night, you’re out of your friggin' mind.

Kyle Mou- Asian kid, 12, looks like he’s seven. Weighs around 29 pounds, and his head is perfectly round. His dad looks like The Donger from “16 Candles”.

Catherine Cojocaru- She’s 13 and looks like Jennifer Jason Leigh in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. She’ll be “Fast Times Stacy”.

Sidharth Chand- 12, the first of many Indian kids that are here tonight. Dead ringer for Pedro from “Napoleon Dynamite”, including the full mustache. He’ll be just “Pedro”.

Austin Peneda- 13, looks like a Hispanic John Denver. Has that long bowl haircut and wire rimmed glasses. His name for tonight is Juan Denver. Get it? Juan Denver? Thank you- I'm here all week...

Justin Song- 13, big Asian kid. When he speaks, he has this deep voice that sounds like they’ve slowed down the tape of the show, He’ll be “Slo-Mo”.

Tia Thomas- 13, possibly the whitest girl I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t study spelling words outdoors very much, I imagine. We’ll call her Albino Girl. Acts almost normal. We determine she has no shot of winning.

Samia Nawaz- 13, of Indian descent. Writes words on the back of her hand before she spells them out. Other than that, semi-normal. Also has no chance.

Sameer Mishra- 13, pleasant looking Indian kid. His dad’s name is Krishna Mishra. You can’t make something like that up. I’ll venture to guess that he’s not from around here.

Kavya Shivashankar- 12, from…Kansas? Little sister looks like Dora the Explorer. Her dad’s name is… Merle. We guess that they’re in some kind of witness protection program. Something definitely amiss here.

Scott Remer- 14, best candidate to be an axe murderer. Has a strange smile, and his eyes look in different directions. Security needs to keep tabs on this kid. He’ll be “The Remer”, just because it sounds funny when I say it.

Jahnavi Iyer- 14, female, looks like a 36 year old dude. Has a mustache and one eyebrow, both of the same shape, thickness, and color. She’ll be known as “Unibrow”. But she’s not the most frightening looking contestant in the field…

Rose Sloan- Holy jumpin’ smokes. Rose is 13, big girl, breathes like Darth Vader, and has a giant mole above her lip. Her dad looks like Bill Gates, and her mom looks a little like Jabba the Hut. She’s now “Mole Girl”. God help us.

7:15- After an exhausting introduction, they show the stage, and it has the kids on one side, while their parents are sitting on the other. My oldest boy Mike says, “It looks like ‘Where’s Waldo’, except you have to find the white kids”. Mike gets the silver medal for Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening.

7:20- They finally start spelling, and everyone makes it through the first round, except Juan Denver. He misses “tralatitious”, and his chances for 2008 crash and burn into the ocean (couldn’t resist the John Denver joke. Like I said- I’m already going to Hell. Screw it).

7:30- They’ve gone through two more rounds, and haven’t lost anybody else yet. The Remer spells his word, and then comes back to his chair and stares into the camera for way too long. Well, one of his eyes is staring. The other is looking for Erin Andrews. Mike says, “He’s going to die alone and cross-eyed”.

God, I love my kids.

7:35- They show the parents section again, and all the moms have one thing in common- they weigh around 347 pounds each. They need to get together and practice spelling “J-e-n-n-y C-r-a-i-g”.

7:40- 11 spellers still here- nobody’s missing any words. The family decides to try and pick the winner. I go for The Remer (again, just because I like saying that out loud), my wife Annie takes Slo-Mo, and the youngest boy Ben selects Pedro so he can say he “Voted for Pedro”.

Mike takes Kyle Mou, who’s little and has a round head, because Mike’s little and has a round head. Then my 12 year old, Sam, tabs Kavya Shivashankar, reasoning that if she can consistently spell her last name, she can spell anything. That’s too logical- I may kick him out of the family.

7:50- Sameer Mishra comes to the stage and gets the word “numnah”, which is a pad for a saddle. He says “Numbnut?” Swear to God. Best moment of the night so far. He recovers and spells the word right. Sameer will now be “Numbnut” for the rest of the evening.

8:00- Mole Girl’s turn. She gets the word “hemeralopia”. My wife says “that’s what that thing is on her lip”. Mole Girl goes all Darth Vader for a minute and a half, and then gets it right.

She just can’t go out. I need her for this story. Hang in for me, Mole Girl. Pretty please?

8:05- The Remer spells the word “lemel”, and then gives the camera the 20 second stare again with a shit-eating grin on his face. He definitely thinks he’s the coolest kid here. Which is a little like being the smartest person in Wyoming.

(Writer’s note- I noticed that lemel and Remer were both palindromes, meaning that they’re spelled the same backwards and forwards. See, I’m not just another pretty face. I have a mind, too. So stop staring at my tits.)

8:15- They come back from a commercial break, and take another wide shot of the stage with the spellers and their parents. My lovely wife Annie says, “Do you think it smells like curry up there?”

Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the gold medal for Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening!

I'll spend the next ten minutes pissed that I didn’t think of that one first.

8:25- Uh-oh, we finally lose another contestant. Slo-Mo misses “satagraha” and leaves the stage at a snail’s pace. But Erin Andrews touches him on the shoulder during the exit interview, and I think he has an accident in his khakis. Made a real cool orgasm face.

8:30- Little Kyle Mou goes out on “lapies” (I think I had a case of those in college), and joins his parents on the other side of the stage. The Donger is in tears- this definitely means more to him than Kyle. Settle down, Donger.

8:35- Rose takes a break this round, and lets her mole spell “fumagillin”. The mole gets it right, and they’re both on to the next round.

8:40- Fast Times Stacy crashes on “bogatyr”, and leaves the stage with a big case of the Red Ass. Her parents try to console her, but she’s not having any of it. Stacy’s pissed. She’ll feel better later, when she sees her boyfriend Mark Ratner. They’re madly in love…but still haven’t gone all the way yet.

(If you get that reference, give yourself a big gold star.)

8:45- They’re dropping like flies now. Unibrow misses “parfleche”, and then quickly gets loaded into an ambulance, where they’ll rush her to a beauty salon to have her eyebrows and lip waxed. This will take until next Thursday to complete.

We’re down to seven spellers remaining.

8:50- Cute little Samia tries to spell “huapango” on her hand, but this time the hand let her down. Shit, I wish I had a nickel for every time my hand let me down…

8:55- Oh, crap! Mole Girl misses “sheitel”, and she’s gone. She tumbles into her parents’ arms- man, this is hard to watch. Jabba the Hut consoles her daughter, while Bill Gates tries in vain to make the mole feel better.

I haven’t felt this badly since they cancelled “Queer As Folk”.

9:00- Say bye-bye to Kavya Pjufbnmfhdmdfn- she added an “e” to “ecrase”. Ecrase is a French word, which means to “chain smoke, never bathe, and surrender”. The French ecrase a lot. Goddamn, I hate the French.

9:05- You better alert security- The Remer just misspelled “thymele”. The smug, twisted smile just left his face, and he’s heading toward his parents looking a little like John Malkovich at the end of “In the Line of Fire”. His parents try to talk him down- he’s between them but still finding a way to maintain eye contact with both. No sudden moves for awhile, everybody…

Now we’re down to the final three- Pedro, Numbnut, and Albino Girl. I can’t believe Albino Girl made it this far. I’ve tried all night to find something wrong with her, and I just can’t, except of course, her pigmentation. And I can find something wrong with everybody. Her normalness is driving me crazy.

9:10- All three are hanging tough- they make it through two more rounds. I’m so excited; I’m puckering in all the wrong places. Numbnut’s dad is clapping like one of those mechanical monkeys with the cymbals. He needs to stop that.

9:15- Dammit! Albino Girl can’t navigate “opificer”. She should have had the judge use the word in a sentence, like, “No, I have not been drinking, opificer”. She cheerfully meets her parents with a big hug.

She’s so damn sweet, I just hate her. We’ll meet again, Albino Girl. We’ll meet again…

9:20- Now we’ve got Numbnut and Pedro going head to head. Numbnut gets “tallegio”, and Pedro follows with “introuvable”. Numbnut is correct with “esclandre”, and then Pedro stumbles on “prosopopoeia”. He leaves out the last “i” in the word. What a dumbass- that was so obvious.

All Numbnut has to do is spell one more word, and he is the big winner. Then Krishna can stop clapping like a moron. And the word is…“guerdon”?

Pedro got “prosopopoeia”, and Numbnut just has to spell guerdon? Shit, this is more anticlimactic than my wedding night (which, by the way, is still the best 19 seconds of my life).

Of course Numbnut spells the word, and walks away with the $40,000 in cash, plus the big gold trophy that is inscribed, “King of the Dinks”. But it just feels a little bit wrong, like when you see your parents kiss, or see the back of a thong on an old lady at the grocery store.

But it was still fun. As a family, we spelled a total of two words correctly tonight, and they were both by the eight year old. I knew I was screwed- if I didn’t have spell-check for this article it would look like Sanskrit. But there are more important things than intelligence, aren’t there?

Anyway, we’ll be back when the next beauty pageant comes up. Now there’s a good family night…

SFG's Day At the Dentist

So I was sitting in McDonald’s a few weeks ago and I bit into one of my favorite treats, the Snack Wrap. In this case, however, there was something hard in the breaded chicken, and the sonofabitch broke my front tooth. I immediately took the Snack Wrap and part of said tooth to the manager, and the conversation went something like this:

SFG- “Sir, there was something in the Snack Wrap that just broke my tooth.”

McD’s manager- “Que?”

SFG- “See, here’s part of my tooth right here in my hand.”

Manager- “Que?”

SFG- “Will you guys pay for this?”

Manager- “Que?”

Well, it was obvious I wasn’t going to get any help from the guys at the old “Arches Dorado”, and I didn’t want to look like a man-o-lantern, because it might jeopardize my chances of being a supermodel. So I scheduled an appointment at my favorite place, the Comfort Dental. The following is a running diary of my time with those fine caregivers.

Oh, before we start, just one quick thing. Comfort Dental, my ass.

1:15 PM- I get to Comfort Dental early because I’ve changed addresses since my last visit, and I know I’ll have some paperwork to fill out. I like going to this particular office- it reminds me of the double-wide trailer my mom used to live in when she owned that bar in Wyoming. But that’s an article for another time. I’m greeted by a pleasant Russian girl whom I’ll call Nadia.

1:20- Nadia hands me a clipboard and says, “Take a sheet and then go sit down and we’ll call you.” Because of her accent, the word “sheet” sounds like a different word. Confused, I spend the next fifteen minutes in the restroom trying to accommodate her request, but to no avail. I come back to the lobby with a bad tooth and a possible hernia.

1:35- They call me back to the examination room, and only five minutes behind schedule! I’m feeling pretty good when I meet my nurse. I never really got her name, but let’s just call her Nurse Beehotch, shall we? I relate the “sheet” story to her about Nadia’s accent, and she doesn’t even humor me with a pity chuckle. “Yeah, she’s hard to understand sometimes”, was the monotone response I got, never even looking up from her clipboard.

This just might be a long afternoon…

1:45- After getting comfy in that rack they call a dentist chair, Nurse Beehotch comes in for my x-rays. When she puts that lead sheet over my gonads, I ask, “Could you please just take the x-rays without the sheet? I already have enough kids.” She doesn’t change expression, sighs, and leaves the room.

Tough crowd. I decide that Nurse Beehotch needs to find a man. Stat!

2:00- After a pretty good wait, I get to meet my dentist for the first time. My regular guy was booked up, so I took whomever they had available. I’ll soon find out why this garbanzo had an opening in his schedule. Let’s just call him Dr. Head. I’ll let you figure out his first name.

2:05- Dr. Head finishes looking at the x-rays, and examining the rest of my teeth. He then tells me what I already knew: they’ll have to put a crown on my front tooth. “Let’s get you numbed up, and we’ll get started”, he grumbles.

Because it’s my front tooth, he gives me a shot under the front of my lip. It’s not too bad; until he jams that needle up so far it feels like he’s touched the bottom of my eye socket. He finally finishes, and I blink away my first tear of the day. You know the kind of tear you get when you pluck out a nose hair that’s gone astray so you don’t look like a party favor? You don’t do that? Fine, let’s just move on…

2:20- Haven’t seen Dr. Head in awhile, but now my mouth is good and numb. Unfortunately, I can’t breathe through my right nostril, and I can’t blink my right eye. I also now have a permanent look of surprise on my face. He may have gotten a little carried away on the novacaine.

2:30- Still no Dr. Head, but Nurse Beehotch has told me three times he’ll be right there. Looks like Dr. Head is working another poor bastard at the same time. Gotta love these discount dentists…

2:40- Dr. Head finally stumbles back into the room, and tells me he needs to grind down my tooth to accommodate the crown. When he picks up this instrument, I see “Black and Decker” on the side of it. It becomes immediately apparent that this may not be the most fun part of my afternoon.

He then puts on a drill bit about the size of my middle finger (my personal favorite, by the way), flips down his welding mask, and goes to work. I’m dealing with the sparks, the smell of smoke, the nasty grinding sound, and the little pieces of my tooth that are accumulating on the back of my tongue, until…

2:50- Dr. Head needs some more room to work, so he pushes my lip up. I mean way up, so that it's covering my nostrils.

Go ahead, try it. See, your lip can cover your nostrils too, so shut up.

At the same time, Nurse Beehotch has this ShopVac thing in my mouth, where she is unsuccessfully trying to suck up all the toothy bits that are falling away from the Black and Decker. At this point I take a quick inventory and realize that I’m officially out of holes that I breathe through.

I try to tell Dr. Head that I’m out of air by making some grunting noises, but between the jackhammer in his hand and the ShopVac in the back of my throat, I don’t think he can hear me.

You know what? This shit is starting to get serious.

I try tapping “S.O.S.” in Morse Code on the handle of my chair, but I guess neither one of them have been in the Navy.

Finally I reach up and push Nurse Beehotch’s hand back and take in a giant gulp of life-giving oxygen. I feel like David Blaine when he broke that record on Oprah.

Nurse Beehotch gives me a look like I just pissed in her Fruit Loops.

I’m starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad looking like a man-o-lantern.

3:00- Dr. Head has finished with the jackhammer and left me in a limp, quivering state. I think he’s gone off to work on a farm animal for awhile. I thank my personal God and promise never to swear again if he’ll get me through the rest of this afternoon.

3:15- Dr. Head is back from doing a root canal on Man O’ War , and is now ready to apply the finishing touches to the nub that used to be my front tooth and get it ready for the temporary cap. This time he picks up Black and Decker Jr., with a smaller drill bit, and goes back to work.

While he’s doing his thing, I realize that it’s been so long since he gave me the numbing shot that feeling is starting to come back to my mouth. I tell him that very fact and he grumbles, “Don’t worry, I’m just about done.”

About 20 seconds later, Black and Decker Jr. hits the goddamn nerve. I see a vision of my Grandma, who passed away in 1993, and she’s beckoning me towards this bright light. I then break my promise to God and yell out a ten-letter word that sounds a lot like “box-cutter”.

Nurse Beehotch changes expression for the first time today.

3:25- Dr. Head has finished, and is currently moving on to his next victim. I’ve stopped sobbing long enough for Nurse Beehotch to place the temporary tooth. She picks it up and applies glue that has a curious odor combination of turpentine, rubbing alcohol, and ass. She then rams the tooth so far up into my gum that I visit Grandma one more time.

Gee, I miss Grandma…

3:30- Nurse Beehotch gives me one final inspection and sends me on my way. She monotones, “We’ll see you back here in three weeks when the crown comes in”.


Now kids, this gives me some time to decide whether I want to do that, or go home, start the car, and suck on the tailpipe until I experience the euphoria of sweet, sweet death.

Right now the odds are at 5/2 that I go have dinner with Grandma.

FINALLY-CHAMPS!

Dawgs I Win Quest for the Crown


After two years of watching their brother team, Dawgs II, win consecutive league championships, the much more handsome Dawgs I team finally pulled their own weight, winning the inaugural Quest for the Crown Tournament at Big Bear Ice Arena.


(Click on all pictures to enlarge)

Dawgs II came within an eyelash of making it a double for the good guys, losing a heartbreaking 2-1 game in the final of the D bracket. But combined with their back-to-back league titles, it has still been a great couple of seasons for that squad.

Playing five games in three days, the Dawgs I avenged their only loss of the tourney, knocking off the Pikas 7-4 in the final. It marked the first time that the team had skated off the ice with anything but a giant bag of disappointment in their history.

It was a total team victory, as all 14 players got on the scoresheet with either a goal or assist in the five games. The defense also played well, holding their opponents to 8 goals for the weekend.

But the star of the tournament had to be defenseman Mike Pijanowski. The veteran blueliner trained hard for the weekend, watched his diet, and then at the precise moment, when his team needed him the most, he dug deep, summoned up all his inner strength and talent, and recruited his brother Mark to play on the team.


Mark (I wouldn't click this one if I were you)

Mark, now known to his teammates as the "good Pijanowski", led the Dawgs in scoring for the weekend, with six goals and three assists.

Mike will now forever be known to his teammates, as "the less talented Pijanowski", "Frank Stallone", or just plain "Tito".


Mike- upper left

The Dawgs got off to a great start on Friday night, hammering the Purple Cobras, 9-0. Teen dreamboat Matt McGarvey, having just shaved off all six hairs that he called a beard, scored the hat trick for the Dawgs. Six other players contributed with single goals, as they cruised against a team that probably should have played down one division.

Goalkeeper Al Sterner, just a few months from getting his AARP card, picked up his first shutout of the millennium, courageously turning aside both shots he faced. Having missed his nap earlier, he dosed off for a few minutes in the third period, but nobody seemed to notice.


"Okay, mom, I'm up..."

Saturday morning, the Dawgs came up against a better team in the Hockey Guild, who served as hosts for the tourney. Though it was a struggle, they did just enough to eke out a 3-0 win. The game was up for grabs until the last two minutes, when Guy Kennedy scored to wrap things up. He then skated around with a psychotic grin on his face.


Kennedy

Newcomer John Giblin and Good Pijanowski also tallied, while Sterner fell in front of at least five shots to get back-to-back clean sheets for the first time in his life. Surrounded by reporters after the game, Sterner was, as always, humble and reserved.

"You know Al's got mad skills. Al doesn't know why he hasn't gotten a call from the NHL yet. It ain't fair that the world doesn't get to see what Al can do. Now get out of Al's face."

He then left the arena trailed by his new groupies. They were last seen at Denny's, where they all got the senior discount on the Moons Over My Hammy breakfast.


Sterner posse

Saturday afternoon, the Dawgs faced a huge test, when they ran into the Pikas for the first time in the tournament. They had won their two previous games by a combined 16-4 margin, and were absolutely the team to beat.

The Dawgs got off to a great start, when Archie Rosenberg scored with just one minute elapsed to give them the lead. It would be one of three tourney goals for Rosenberg, who took time off from filming "School of Rock II" to play in the event.


Rosenberg

Unfortunately, that would be the last goal that the Dawgs would score in the game. The Pikas Chris Peloquin busted Sterner's tournament hymen late in the second period, tying the game, then Marc-Andre Piette and Jonathan Webb each scored in the third to seal the 3-1 win. Pikas goalie Brad Warren was tremendous in keeping the Dawgs off the sheet for the final 44 minutes.

So the Dawgs finished pool play at 2-1, still good for second place in the bracket. Now they had to play the Hockey Guild in a semifinal rematch, but because of earlier delays, it would be pushing midnight by the time the game was started. This was almost six hours past the normal bedtime of the Dawgs goalie, but that did not turn out to be the biggest problem for the team.

Sometime during the evening, the Hockey Guild captain, John Ritchie, went out and recruited players from the higher divisions to play with his team for the important game. Though this was incredibly illegal and unsportsmanlike, this did not seem to matter to Ritchie, or the referees. So the game began with at least 20 players on the Guild bench, but only the best 10 were actually playing. This was definitely not the same team that the Dawgs had shut out 14 hours earlier.

Knowing that the deck was stacked against them, the Dawgs still went out and seized the lead early, on a goal from Eric Helwig. But the Guild tied the game right before the period ended, and had the majority of the play in the Dawgs end. It appeared to be just a matter of time before they would take the lead for good.

Then, the turning point of the game occurred.

Between the first and second period, Tito Pijanowski pledged that he was going to crap-hammer the first cheating Guild player that he could catch, and he made good on that promise. After just one minute, he drove a player into the boards hard, drawing a four minute time out from the referee. On his way to the box, he challenged any player on the Guild bench that wanted to come out on the ice and further discuss his actions. He found no takers, while his brother Good Pijanowski just smiled and shook his head on the bench.


"Tito mad. Tito need to hit someone."

In the meantime, Sterner began a dialogue with Guild captain Ritchie, detailing in colorful terms exactly what he thought of his tactics of cheating while being the host club. Their banter would continue until well after the final buzzer sounded.

The penalty seemed to ignite the Dawgs, who stepped up their game considerably, and started to control play, even against the recruited ringers. They took the lead nine minutes into the period on a sweet goal from Better Pijanowski, and it was 2-1 heading to the third.

The game stayed that way until their were five minutes left, and then the Dawgs exploded for three goals in three minutes to send Hockey Guild home with their panties in a bunch, and nothing to show for their cheating efforts. Pijanowski (no real need to identify which one) collected his second of the game, "Nacho Libre" Rosenberg soon followed, and then Shaun Hollis closed things out with two minutes left. Hollis dedicated the goal to his new girlfriend, who could not be there because she was at a sleepover with her middle school classmates.


Hollis girlfriend, far left

After the game, a very unhappy Hockey Guild captain and total douchebag Ritchie launched a flurry of insults at Dawgs goalie Sterner, accusing him of engaging in oral pleasures with other members of the same sex. An obviously distraught Sterner spoke with reporters after the game.

"A guy goes to college, gets drunk one night, and sucks a (male chicken). Sucks one lousy (male chicken)! And it haunts him the rest of his life. Al was young...who doesn't experiment a little bit when they're young?"

So now the Dawgs had go home, get a few hours of sleep, and come right back to Big Bear to play the Pikas again early Sunday morning for the tournament title. It would be a tall order, as the Pikas won their semifinal easily much earlier in the evening, and had the benefit of a full night's rest.

But amazingly, it was the Dawgs who looked better at the start, and they scored the all-important opening goal around halfway through the first period, on another beauty by Much Better Pijanowski.

The lead doubled early in the second when Hollis banged in his second of the weekend, and then increased to 3-0 when Clearly the Best Pijanowski put a rocket in the top corner past Pikas keeper Brad Warren, who was not nearly as hot as he had been on Saturday.

The Pikas got one back on a goal by Chris Peloquin, who fired a low shot past Sterner's right pad. Sterner's legs were suffering from a combination of excess lactic acid and midlife crisis, and he was trying to hold off rigor mortis for another period and a half. Things looked up soon after as Rosenberg answered quickly to restore the lead to three with 15 long minutes remaining.

The Pikas cut the lead to 4-2 very early in the third on a power play goal from their best player, Marc-Andre Piette. Piette was now playing every other shift, as his team tried desperately to get back in the game.

But just as they had in the second, the Dawgs replied straightaway, on a goal from John Ripley. Then a few minutes later, the Pikas closed the gap to 5-3 on a rebound goal by Robert Keltie. There were still around 7 minutes left, and a rapidly aging goalie Sterner was starting to show some subtle signs of fatigue.


Sterner

Then with 2:30 remaining in regulation, Piette was pulled down from behind, and the referee awarded a penalty shot. Piette skated in alone, his long hair flowing in the breeze like a mildly gay Guy LaFleur, and made Sterner look incredibly stupid, tucking the puck in on the glove side.


Beaten like a rented mule

Now there were over two minutes left, the score was 5-4, and Sterner's legs were officially at DEFCON 1. Could the Dawgs hang on for their first-ever championship? And could Sterner make the final saves with both hands wrapped firmly around his throat?

The answer came just a minute later, when Ripley converted a pass from It's Not Even Close Pijanowski, and took all the wind out of the Pikas comeback. Brother Tito tapped in an empty netter as time ran out, and the Dawgs came away with the Quest for the Crown championship, by the final score of 7-4.







After the game, the championship banner was presented to Dawgs captain and former fanny bandit Marty Richardson. He held it up proudly, the three foot banner nearly covering his tiny, yet stout frame.


Richardson

In Other Dawgs News:


Right before the final buzzer of the championship game, captain Marty Richardson shares a quick kiss with defenseman Rick Zimmat, while Archie Rosenberg jealously looks on:


No tongues

Richardson then quickly makes up by sticking his ring finger in Rosenberg's rectum


"There we go, Archie. Are we good now?"

Because of his high status in the community, or possibly because he performed a Rusty Trombone on the tournament director, Captain Marty Richardson was selected to play in the Celebrity Game that wrapped up the Quest for the Crown Tournament.


Richardson

Richardson, who gained his celebrity status by being the pivot man in the world's largest circle-jerk, actually scored a goal in the contest, much to the delight of the many Dawgs players and fans who were well over the .08 blood alchohol level and were forced to stay to watch the game. He received a drop pass from a Rocky Mountain Rage player, and fired the puck past goalie Leslie Fishbein, local television personality and owner of Kacey Fine Furniture.

Unfortunately, Fishbein had passed away several weeks ago, but her family wanted to honor her commitment to play. She still almost made the glove save on Richardson's shot.

Fishbein also made an appearance at the silent auction on Saturday night, which worked out great, since she was, after all, dead, making it much tougher to bid out loud. She is seen here being propped up by her husband Sam:


Fishbein at auction- hardly any decomposition

Sunday morning it was revealed that because of their efforts to cheat on Saturday night, the Hockey Guild severed ties with their C level team, and fired captain John Ritchie. Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner was chosen by his team to send a heartfelt sympathetic message to Ritchie and his squad. Sterner enlisted the help of his family to send the message.