After two years of watching their brother team, Dawgs II, win consecutive league championships, the much more handsome Dawgs I team finally pulled their own weight, winning the inaugural Quest for the Crown Tournament at Big Bear Ice Arena.
(Click on all pictures to enlarge)
Dawgs II came within an eyelash of making it a double for the good guys, losing a heartbreaking 2-1 game in the final of the D bracket. But combined with their back-to-back league titles, it has still been a great couple of seasons for that squad.
Playing five games in three days, the Dawgs I avenged their only loss of the tourney, knocking off the Pikas 7-4 in the final. It marked the first time that the team had skated off the ice with anything but a giant bag of disappointment in their history.
It was a total team victory, as all 14 players got on the scoresheet with either a goal or assist in the five games. The defense also played well, holding their opponents to 8 goals for the weekend.
But the star of the tournament had to be defenseman Mike Pijanowski. The veteran blueliner trained hard for the weekend, watched his diet, and then at the precise moment, when his team needed him the most, he dug deep, summoned up all his inner strength and talent, and recruited his brother Mark to play on the team.
Mark (I wouldn't click this one if I were you)
Mark, now known to his teammates as the "good Pijanowski", led the Dawgs in scoring for the weekend, with six goals and three assists.
Mike will now forever be known to his teammates, as "the less talented Pijanowski", "Frank Stallone", or just plain "Tito".
Mike- upper left
The Dawgs got off to a great start on Friday night, hammering the Purple Cobras, 9-0. Teen dreamboat Matt McGarvey, having just shaved off all six hairs that he called a beard, scored the hat trick for the Dawgs. Six other players contributed with single goals, as they cruised against a team that probably should have played down one division.
Goalkeeper Al Sterner, just a few months from getting his AARP card, picked up his first shutout of the millennium, courageously turning aside both shots he faced. Having missed his nap earlier, he dosed off for a few minutes in the third period, but nobody seemed to notice.
"Okay, mom, I'm up..."
Saturday morning, the Dawgs came up against a better team in the Hockey Guild, who served as hosts for the tourney. Though it was a struggle, they did just enough to eke out a 3-0 win. The game was up for grabs until the last two minutes, when Guy Kennedy scored to wrap things up. He then skated around with a psychotic grin on his face.
Kennedy
Newcomer John Giblin and Good Pijanowski also tallied, while Sterner fell in front of at least five shots to get back-to-back clean sheets for the first time in his life. Surrounded by reporters after the game, Sterner was, as always, humble and reserved.
"You know Al's got mad skills. Al doesn't know why he hasn't gotten a call from the NHL yet. It ain't fair that the world doesn't get to see what Al can do. Now get out of Al's face."
He then left the arena trailed by his new groupies. They were last seen at Denny's, where they all got the senior discount on the Moons Over My Hammy breakfast.
Sterner posse
Saturday afternoon, the Dawgs faced a huge test, when they ran into the Pikas for the first time in the tournament. They had won their two previous games by a combined 16-4 margin, and were absolutely the team to beat.
The Dawgs got off to a great start, when Archie Rosenberg scored with just one minute elapsed to give them the lead. It would be one of three tourney goals for Rosenberg, who took time off from filming "School of Rock II" to play in the event.
Rosenberg
Unfortunately, that would be the last goal that the Dawgs would score in the game. The Pikas Chris Peloquin busted Sterner's tournament hymen late in the second period, tying the game, then Marc-Andre Piette and Jonathan Webb each scored in the third to seal the 3-1 win. Pikas goalie Brad Warren was tremendous in keeping the Dawgs off the sheet for the final 44 minutes.
So the Dawgs finished pool play at 2-1, still good for second place in the bracket. Now they had to play the Hockey Guild in a semifinal rematch, but because of earlier delays, it would be pushing midnight by the time the game was started. This was almost six hours past the normal bedtime of the Dawgs goalie, but that did not turn out to be the biggest problem for the team.
Sometime during the evening, the Hockey Guild captain, John Ritchie, went out and recruited players from the higher divisions to play with his team for the important game. Though this was incredibly illegal and unsportsmanlike, this did not seem to matter to Ritchie, or the referees. So the game began with at least 20 players on the Guild bench, but only the best 10 were actually playing. This was definitely not the same team that the Dawgs had shut out 14 hours earlier.
Knowing that the deck was stacked against them, the Dawgs still went out and seized the lead early, on a goal from Eric Helwig. But the Guild tied the game right before the period ended, and had the majority of the play in the Dawgs end. It appeared to be just a matter of time before they would take the lead for good.
Then, the turning point of the game occurred.
Between the first and second period, Tito Pijanowski pledged that he was going to crap-hammer the first cheating Guild player that he could catch, and he made good on that promise. After just one minute, he drove a player into the boards hard, drawing a four minute time out from the referee. On his way to the box, he challenged any player on the Guild bench that wanted to come out on the ice and further discuss his actions. He found no takers, while his brother Good Pijanowski just smiled and shook his head on the bench.
"Tito mad. Tito need to hit someone."
In the meantime, Sterner began a dialogue with Guild captain Ritchie, detailing in colorful terms exactly what he thought of his tactics of cheating while being the host club. Their banter would continue until well after the final buzzer sounded.
The penalty seemed to ignite the Dawgs, who stepped up their game considerably, and started to control play, even against the recruited ringers. They took the lead nine minutes into the period on a sweet goal from Better Pijanowski, and it was 2-1 heading to the third.
The game stayed that way until their were five minutes left, and then the Dawgs exploded for three goals in three minutes to send Hockey Guild home with their panties in a bunch, and nothing to show for their cheating efforts. Pijanowski (no real need to identify which one) collected his second of the game, "Nacho Libre" Rosenberg soon followed, and then Shaun Hollis closed things out with two minutes left. Hollis dedicated the goal to his new girlfriend, who could not be there because she was at a sleepover with her middle school classmates.
Hollis girlfriend, far left
After the game, a very unhappy Hockey Guild captain and total douchebag Ritchie launched a flurry of insults at Dawgs goalie Sterner, accusing him of engaging in oral pleasures with other members of the same sex. An obviously distraught Sterner spoke with reporters after the game.
"A guy goes to college, gets drunk one night, and sucks a (male chicken). Sucks one lousy (male chicken)! And it haunts him the rest of his life. Al was young...who doesn't experiment a little bit when they're young?"
So now the Dawgs had go home, get a few hours of sleep, and come right back to Big Bear to play the Pikas again early Sunday morning for the tournament title. It would be a tall order, as the Pikas won their semifinal easily much earlier in the evening, and had the benefit of a full night's rest.
But amazingly, it was the Dawgs who looked better at the start, and they scored the all-important opening goal around halfway through the first period, on another beauty by Much Better Pijanowski.
The lead doubled early in the second when Hollis banged in his second of the weekend, and then increased to 3-0 when Clearly the Best Pijanowski put a rocket in the top corner past Pikas keeper Brad Warren, who was not nearly as hot as he had been on Saturday.
The Pikas got one back on a goal by Chris Peloquin, who fired a low shot past Sterner's right pad. Sterner's legs were suffering from a combination of excess lactic acid and midlife crisis, and he was trying to hold off rigor mortis for another period and a half. Things looked up soon after as Rosenberg answered quickly to restore the lead to three with 15 long minutes remaining.
The Pikas cut the lead to 4-2 very early in the third on a power play goal from their best player, Marc-Andre Piette. Piette was now playing every other shift, as his team tried desperately to get back in the game.
But just as they had in the second, the Dawgs replied straightaway, on a goal from John Ripley. Then a few minutes later, the Pikas closed the gap to 5-3 on a rebound goal by Robert Keltie. There were still around 7 minutes left, and a rapidly aging goalie Sterner was starting to show some subtle signs of fatigue.
Sterner
Then with 2:30 remaining in regulation, Piette was pulled down from behind, and the referee awarded a penalty shot. Piette skated in alone, his long hair flowing in the breeze like a mildly gay Guy LaFleur, and made Sterner look incredibly stupid, tucking the puck in on the glove side.
Beaten like a rented mule
Now there were over two minutes left, the score was 5-4, and Sterner's legs were officially at DEFCON 1. Could the Dawgs hang on for their first-ever championship? And could Sterner make the final saves with both hands wrapped firmly around his throat?
The answer came just a minute later, when Ripley converted a pass from It's Not Even Close Pijanowski, and took all the wind out of the Pikas comeback. Brother Tito tapped in an empty netter as time ran out, and the Dawgs came away with the Quest for the Crown championship, by the final score of 7-4.
After the game, the championship banner was presented to Dawgs captain and former fanny bandit Marty Richardson. He held it up proudly, the three foot banner nearly covering his tiny, yet stout frame.
Richardson
In Other Dawgs News:
Right before the final buzzer of the championship game, captain Marty Richardson shares a quick kiss with defenseman Rick Zimmat, while Archie Rosenberg jealously looks on:
No tongues
Richardson then quickly makes up by sticking his ring finger in Rosenberg's rectum
"There we go, Archie. Are we good now?"
Because of his high status in the community, or possibly because he performed a Rusty Trombone on the tournament director, Captain Marty Richardson was selected to play in the Celebrity Game that wrapped up the Quest for the Crown Tournament.
Richardson
Richardson, who gained his celebrity status by being the pivot man in the world's largest circle-jerk, actually scored a goal in the contest, much to the delight of the many Dawgs players and fans who were well over the .08 blood alchohol level and were forced to stay to watch the game. He received a drop pass from a Rocky Mountain Rage player, and fired the puck past goalie Leslie Fishbein, local television personality and owner of Kacey Fine Furniture.
Unfortunately, Fishbein had passed away several weeks ago, but her family wanted to honor her commitment to play. She still almost made the glove save on Richardson's shot.
Fishbein also made an appearance at the silent auction on Saturday night, which worked out great, since she was, after all, dead, making it much tougher to bid out loud. She is seen here being propped up by her husband Sam:
Fishbein at auction- hardly any decomposition
Sunday morning it was revealed that because of their efforts to cheat on Saturday night, the Hockey Guild severed ties with their C level team, and fired captain John Ritchie. Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner was chosen by his team to send a heartfelt sympathetic message to Ritchie and his squad. Sterner enlisted the help of his family to send the message.
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