SFG's Day At the Dentist

So I was sitting in McDonald’s a few weeks ago and I bit into one of my favorite treats, the Snack Wrap. In this case, however, there was something hard in the breaded chicken, and the sonofabitch broke my front tooth. I immediately took the Snack Wrap and part of said tooth to the manager, and the conversation went something like this:

SFG- “Sir, there was something in the Snack Wrap that just broke my tooth.”

McD’s manager- “Que?”

SFG- “See, here’s part of my tooth right here in my hand.”

Manager- “Que?”

SFG- “Will you guys pay for this?”

Manager- “Que?”

Well, it was obvious I wasn’t going to get any help from the guys at the old “Arches Dorado”, and I didn’t want to look like a man-o-lantern, because it might jeopardize my chances of being a supermodel. So I scheduled an appointment at my favorite place, the Comfort Dental. The following is a running diary of my time with those fine caregivers.

Oh, before we start, just one quick thing. Comfort Dental, my ass.

1:15 PM- I get to Comfort Dental early because I’ve changed addresses since my last visit, and I know I’ll have some paperwork to fill out. I like going to this particular office- it reminds me of the double-wide trailer my mom used to live in when she owned that bar in Wyoming. But that’s an article for another time. I’m greeted by a pleasant Russian girl whom I’ll call Nadia.

1:20- Nadia hands me a clipboard and says, “Take a sheet and then go sit down and we’ll call you.” Because of her accent, the word “sheet” sounds like a different word. Confused, I spend the next fifteen minutes in the restroom trying to accommodate her request, but to no avail. I come back to the lobby with a bad tooth and a possible hernia.

1:35- They call me back to the examination room, and only five minutes behind schedule! I’m feeling pretty good when I meet my nurse. I never really got her name, but let’s just call her Nurse Beehotch, shall we? I relate the “sheet” story to her about Nadia’s accent, and she doesn’t even humor me with a pity chuckle. “Yeah, she’s hard to understand sometimes”, was the monotone response I got, never even looking up from her clipboard.

This just might be a long afternoon…

1:45- After getting comfy in that rack they call a dentist chair, Nurse Beehotch comes in for my x-rays. When she puts that lead sheet over my gonads, I ask, “Could you please just take the x-rays without the sheet? I already have enough kids.” She doesn’t change expression, sighs, and leaves the room.

Tough crowd. I decide that Nurse Beehotch needs to find a man. Stat!

2:00- After a pretty good wait, I get to meet my dentist for the first time. My regular guy was booked up, so I took whomever they had available. I’ll soon find out why this garbanzo had an opening in his schedule. Let’s just call him Dr. Head. I’ll let you figure out his first name.

2:05- Dr. Head finishes looking at the x-rays, and examining the rest of my teeth. He then tells me what I already knew: they’ll have to put a crown on my front tooth. “Let’s get you numbed up, and we’ll get started”, he grumbles.

Because it’s my front tooth, he gives me a shot under the front of my lip. It’s not too bad; until he jams that needle up so far it feels like he’s touched the bottom of my eye socket. He finally finishes, and I blink away my first tear of the day. You know the kind of tear you get when you pluck out a nose hair that’s gone astray so you don’t look like a party favor? You don’t do that? Fine, let’s just move on…

2:20- Haven’t seen Dr. Head in awhile, but now my mouth is good and numb. Unfortunately, I can’t breathe through my right nostril, and I can’t blink my right eye. I also now have a permanent look of surprise on my face. He may have gotten a little carried away on the novacaine.

2:30- Still no Dr. Head, but Nurse Beehotch has told me three times he’ll be right there. Looks like Dr. Head is working another poor bastard at the same time. Gotta love these discount dentists…

2:40- Dr. Head finally stumbles back into the room, and tells me he needs to grind down my tooth to accommodate the crown. When he picks up this instrument, I see “Black and Decker” on the side of it. It becomes immediately apparent that this may not be the most fun part of my afternoon.

He then puts on a drill bit about the size of my middle finger (my personal favorite, by the way), flips down his welding mask, and goes to work. I’m dealing with the sparks, the smell of smoke, the nasty grinding sound, and the little pieces of my tooth that are accumulating on the back of my tongue, until…

2:50- Dr. Head needs some more room to work, so he pushes my lip up. I mean way up, so that it's covering my nostrils.

Go ahead, try it. See, your lip can cover your nostrils too, so shut up.

At the same time, Nurse Beehotch has this ShopVac thing in my mouth, where she is unsuccessfully trying to suck up all the toothy bits that are falling away from the Black and Decker. At this point I take a quick inventory and realize that I’m officially out of holes that I breathe through.

I try to tell Dr. Head that I’m out of air by making some grunting noises, but between the jackhammer in his hand and the ShopVac in the back of my throat, I don’t think he can hear me.

You know what? This shit is starting to get serious.

I try tapping “S.O.S.” in Morse Code on the handle of my chair, but I guess neither one of them have been in the Navy.

Finally I reach up and push Nurse Beehotch’s hand back and take in a giant gulp of life-giving oxygen. I feel like David Blaine when he broke that record on Oprah.

Nurse Beehotch gives me a look like I just pissed in her Fruit Loops.

I’m starting to think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad looking like a man-o-lantern.

3:00- Dr. Head has finished with the jackhammer and left me in a limp, quivering state. I think he’s gone off to work on a farm animal for awhile. I thank my personal God and promise never to swear again if he’ll get me through the rest of this afternoon.

3:15- Dr. Head is back from doing a root canal on Man O’ War , and is now ready to apply the finishing touches to the nub that used to be my front tooth and get it ready for the temporary cap. This time he picks up Black and Decker Jr., with a smaller drill bit, and goes back to work.

While he’s doing his thing, I realize that it’s been so long since he gave me the numbing shot that feeling is starting to come back to my mouth. I tell him that very fact and he grumbles, “Don’t worry, I’m just about done.”

About 20 seconds later, Black and Decker Jr. hits the goddamn nerve. I see a vision of my Grandma, who passed away in 1993, and she’s beckoning me towards this bright light. I then break my promise to God and yell out a ten-letter word that sounds a lot like “box-cutter”.

Nurse Beehotch changes expression for the first time today.

3:25- Dr. Head has finished, and is currently moving on to his next victim. I’ve stopped sobbing long enough for Nurse Beehotch to place the temporary tooth. She picks it up and applies glue that has a curious odor combination of turpentine, rubbing alcohol, and ass. She then rams the tooth so far up into my gum that I visit Grandma one more time.

Gee, I miss Grandma…

3:30- Nurse Beehotch gives me one final inspection and sends me on my way. She monotones, “We’ll see you back here in three weeks when the crown comes in”.


Now kids, this gives me some time to decide whether I want to do that, or go home, start the car, and suck on the tailpipe until I experience the euphoria of sweet, sweet death.

Right now the odds are at 5/2 that I go have dinner with Grandma.