Dawgs Streak Hits 20 With 7-4 Win

The Dawgs I squad flexed their muscles once again last Tuesday night, running their season record to 7-0, and their EAHL unbeaten string to 20 with a solid 7-4 victory over Cobra Kai.

The Hump Line continues to be in great form, totaling 11 points in the contest. EAHL leading scorer Shaun Hollis piled up five of those points, with his second consecutive hat trick and two assists, while linemates Dan Pham and Matt McGarvey each notched a goal and two helpers.


This photo may come in handy later

Ageless wonder Dennis Heaton banged in his fifth of the fall season, and semi-defenseman Tito Pijanowski put on another of his patented end to end rushes, wristing in his second.

Goalie Al Sterner, who this week was pulled kicking and screaming into the golden years of his life, went brain dead in the third period, giving up three goals, but still held on for the win. He spoke with reporters after the game.

"Al didn't like giving up those goals in the third. Now the game feels like when Al has sex with his cousin. You get the job done, it feels good for a minute, but it's a little bit wrong."


Sterner cousin

The game was tight early, with each team getting one goal in the first period. Hollis put in his first, and then Tony Garin answered for Cobra Kai with the first of what would be all four of his team's goals.

In the second, Pham, Pijanowski, and Hollis all tallied to give the Dawgs some breathing room. Cobra Kai didn't have an answer, and the good guys were up 4-1 heading to the third.

In the final frame, Garin was given credit for a goal that never crossed the line to close the gap to two, but McGarvey and Heaton quickly restored order to put the game out of reach. Sterner then gave up a softie, as a Garin shot deflected off the heel of his glove, bounced over Sterner's shoulder, and trickled in.


Sterner, third period

Hollis and Garin matched goals late in the game to make the final 7-4. Hollis is now way ahead in EAHL scoring stats, with 14 goals and 11 assists, six points clear of HTM's Ryan Robinson. McGarvey sits in fourth, with seven goals and nine assists, and Pham is tied for sixth, with 11 goals and an unbelievably crappy four assists.

A look at the EAHL standings shows the Dawgs leading the league in goals, with 50, and have the lowest goals against, with 25.

After a bye week, the Dawgs now face maybe their toughest test thus far, when they play the Ice Pack at 10:40. Because of the success of last week's promotion, the Dawgs announced that Tuesday will be Tito Pijanowski Bobblehead Night. The first 10,000 fans will not only receive the rare collectible, but will be elligible for a drawing in which they can get angry and beat the shit out of anyone that gives them a dirty look.

In other Dawgs news:

Winger Brad Stabio is starting to have some concerns about his new son Oliver:

Dawgs MMA hero Travis Hollis shows his favorite part about training for his next match:


This move is called "the teabag"

During their week off, Dawgs stars Shaun Hollis and Matt McGarvey tried their hand at yet another new sport.

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson this week selected a Halloween costume that would suit his personality.

Dawgs Refuse To Lose- Triumph In Shootout

It looked like the streak was over. 18 consecutive EAHL games without a regulation defeat. With six minutes left in the third period Tuesday night, the Dawgs I squad was actually behind for the first time in forever. Well, it was a nice run, while it lasted.

Not so fast...

Dawg star forward and ongoing tremendous pussy Shaun Hollis' clutch goal with just a few minutes left in regulation sent the game to an overtime shootout. And then two big penalty shot goals were enough in the extra session, as the Dawgs prevailed 6-5 over the Misfits in easily the best game of the EAHL winter season.

Hollis seized back his team goal scoring lead with a huge hat trick, now giving him 11. Dan Pham scored his 10th of the season, and young Michael Heaton came within an assist of a Gordie Howe hat trick, scoring a goal and getting into his first adult league scuffle.

It looked early like it was curtains for the Dawgs streak, which dates back to February of 2008. Just four minutes had elapsed when a Misfits defenseman took a shot from the point that banked off Dawgs defenseman Rick Zimmat's skate, and into the goal. 1-0, bad guys.

A couple of minutes later, the Misfits lead was doubled when forward Chris Thornton crossed in front of the net, and lifted a backhand that was partially deflected. The puck bewildered Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who should have dealt with the shot, and went in over his blocker to make it 2-0.

Paging the "Hump Line". Hump Line, please report to center ice...

New linemates Hollis and Pham each scored quickly to draw to Dawgs level at two, with Matt McGarvey picking up an assist. But just a few minutes later, Misfits star Marc-Andre Piette made Sterner look like a moron on a breakaway, beating him through his gigantic five hole to take back the lead.


We're talkin' big 5-hole

Hollis got his second of the game before the end of the first frame, and the contest was even at 3-3 entering the second. This was definitely one of those nights where the opposing goalies were going to have to hang on to their asses, and try to do something to keep the other team in single digits.

Around halfway through the second period, the Dawgs grabbed the lead for the only time of the evening, when 18 year old Michael Heaton ripped a shot through a screen. The puck hit the heel of the glove of Misfits goalie Tom Lester, bounced over his shoulder, and trickled into the net for Heaton's fourth of the season.


Young Heaton

Heaton's evening would end just a couple of minutes later. After being high-sticked in the helmet by Misfit forward Joe Quinones, Heaton confronted Quinones after the whistle. Quinones punched young Heaton twice, and Heaton had no choice but to respond. Both players grappled on the ice and were ejected from the game. Heaton was also immediately grounded by his father Dennis, who was standing nearby during the altercation.

For some reason during the scuffle, Misfits defenseman Nick Stroot threw off his gloves, and challenged the Dawgs bench to fight. He found no takers, mainly because nobody on the Dawgs wanted to see Stroot ejected from the game. Stroot was much more valuable to the Dawgs staying on the ice, because he sucks major ass as a player, giving the Dawgs a better chance to win. Still, Stroot now joins Llamas defenseman Bobby Norris on the All-Shithead team in the EAHL.


Stroot

When play resumed, Piette made Sterner look like an idiot once again on a two-on-zero breakaway, the game was all knotted up at four heading to the third.

It stayed that way until the Misfits went on a power play with eight minutes left. After a goalmouth scramble, Piette muscled his way in front of the net, and completed his hat trick, giving his team a 5-4 lead. Things looked mighty gloomy for the Dawgs long winning streak.

But Hollis gave his team new life with just over two minutes remaining. He gathered a loose puck near the net, and slid it into the far corner, just beating Lester to the post. The last seconds of regulation ran out, and the Dawgs were heading to their first overtime shootout of the winter season.

For the shootout, the Dawgs decided to go with their big guns early, letting the Hump Line of Matt McGarvey, Shaun Hollis, and Dan Pham take the first three shots. That way they could build a nice lead for Sterner, who last won a shootout in 1993.

That would have been just a super strategy if any of the three had actually put the puck in the net.

McGarvey tried first and failed to score through Lester's five hole, making him zero for his last 59 shootout penalty tries.

Hollis followed by trying the old Peter Forsberg postage stamp move, cutting across the net and dragging the puck behind Lester. Unfortunately, as the golfers say, Hollis doesn't have that club in his bag, and the effort was stamped "return to sender".


Yeah, this will never happen...

Pham then tried the same move that had worked in the first period, cutting to his right and trying to lift a backhand over Lester. This time, the puck rang off the post, and the Hump Line ended up shooting blanks.

Meanwhile, Sterner was making great use of the horseshoe that he rammed up his ass right before the shootout. The first Misfit player hit the crossbar, and Sterner somehow managed to flop in front of the other two to keep matters scoreless in the overtime. But the fourth shooter found Sterner's weakness, Mr. Five Hole, and the Misfits had the lead with two Dawgs shooters left.

Now that the Hump Line had gagged like they were trying to swallow week-old Polish afterbirth, the Dawgs were forced to rely on rookie forward and snooty French Canadian immigrant Bernie Levesque. Levesque, whose name in French means, "the vesque", skated in alone on Lester, moved to his backhand, and roofed one to tie the shootout. He then went to the bench, started to chain smoke, and surrendered to everyone in the arena.


You know, because he's French. Try to keep up.

That left both teams even, and with one shooter left. For the Misfits, it just happened to be Marc-Andre Piette, who had made Sterner his personal bitch throughout regulation play. Piette, who appears to be in his early 20's, must have already been counting the goal as he skated in on Sterner, who turns 50 on Halloween.

But Sterner, who is smarter than he looks, remembered that Piette had made a deke move to his forehand on a penalty shot in the Quest for the Cup tournament in June, and had beaten Sterner like a bastard stepchild. Sterner guessed correctly that he would try it again, overplayed that way and stopped Piette for the first time in his life.

Take that, sonny...

Now the Dawgs had one last chance to bring home the shootout win and extend their magical streak. So they placed all their hopes and dreams on the stick of...



Dennis Heaton? No shit?

Heaton, also 50, graduated with Sterner from Pomona High School in 1976, and had to take the summer off from hockey while recovering from a tough case of Headgiver's Neck. He calmly skated to center ice, after being awakened by teammates. Having no other gear, he moved slowly into the zone, and veered to his right, so he could cut left across the net. While cutting, he moved the puck to his backhand, then somehow nudged the puck between Lester's pads, and into the goal to give his team the big win and two points in the standings.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Heaton said, "I haven't felt this good since the last time I was able to get a woody. That was 1985. I'm old."


Heaton-1985

Now 6-0 and four points clear of the rest of the league for the EAHL winter season, the Dawgs have one more game before their bye week. They play Cobra Kai Tuesday night at 9:00, and this week is Marty Richardson Bobblehead Night. The first 10,000 fans at the game will receive the collector's item, whose head moves up and down faster when you hold it closer to your penis.


No batteries required- that head will bob up and down forever


In other Dawgs news:

A look at EAHL statistics this week shows two players tied for the league lead in assists, with nine. One is not a surprise- Dawgs star forward Shaun Hollis. The other may come as a shock: Tito Pijanowski?

"Tito make pass..."

Because of his new fame, Pijanowski, who is listed in the Dawgs media guide as a "sort of a defenseman", realized his dream this week of appearing on a cereal box. But it wasn't exactly Wheaties:

Don't ever criticize my articles, Tito

This week Dawgs assistant captain Shaun Hollis broke up again with linemate Matt McGarvey, in order to spend quality time with new flame, golfer Phil Mickelson.


What, no reacharound? Selfish bastard...

Dawgs captain and former knob polisher Marty Richardson missed the game this week in order to spend time in Philadelphia. While there, he got carried away while rubbing the pectoral muscles of the famous Rocky Balboa statue. Embarrassingly, he achieved yet another spontaneous orgasm.

The 0-face just never stops being funny

Goalie shows how to celebrate a stopped penalty shot

If we ever win another shootout, I'm doing this. Or not...

Talk To Me, Dammit!

Probably by next week, I'm going to get my 10,000th hit on this site. In that time, do you know how many feedback comments I've gotten?

One. One lousy comment, because I got the wrong name in one of my pictures. Shit.

C'mon, boys and girls! I'd love to hear from you guys, especially those that are regularly reading from a different part of the country, or the world, for that matter. There are actually quite a few of you. It's amazing how this stuff gets around- I especially get a bunch of hits on the goofy pictures.

For example, there's someone in Redwood City, California that tunes in every week. Who are you, and what brought you here? It would be fun to know. I'm assuming you're acquainted with someone on the Dawgs hockey team, but I can't know that unless you tell me.

I also get tons of hits that just say "United States". Now, that doesn't narrow it down much, does it?

Don't be afraid, kids. If you can relate to my vacation debacle, tell me about your experience. If you're an old, fat guy clinging to his youth like I am, let me know if you wake up after a game feeling 90 years old like I do.

Just click comment at the end of an article, and give your chubby little pal some feedback. I've been flying solo for way too long. Let's hear from you.

Dawgs Crack the MAAK, 9-3

How long can this thing go?

The Dawgs I squad stretched their EAHL unbeaten string to 18 and and improved to 5-0 for the current season with a 9-3 ass kicking over MAAK Holdings. Their last league loss came in the winter playoffs at the end of February.

Center Dan Pham, playing on a new line this week, responded by scoring four goals, bringing his season total to a team leading nine. Dennis Heaton continues his courageous comeback from a bout with Salesman Neck, scoring two more, while son Michael put in one.


The Heaton boys

Assistant captain Shaun Hollis, actually making it through the entire game this week without being ejected, scored his eighth while adding two assists, and real estate mogul Chris Acuna tallied his first of the winter campaign.

Goalie Al Sterner stopped 30 of 33 MAAK shots, but hurt his back in the second period after giving up a soft goal on a fluttering shot to his glove side. He turned his head too fast to look at the puck weakly floating into the net, and hasn't felt right ever since.


You'd think he'd be used to it

Pham, after scoring two goals last week against HTM Construction, really caught fire this game while being matched up on a line with Hollis and Matt McGarvey. The three young players combined for 10 points on the evening, and using the first letters in their last names, will now be known as the "Hump Line".


Get it? HMP? Hump?

And in what many consider to be a miracle, Pham actually picked up his first assist of the season. In the third period, after Pham attempted to shoot on goal from his own zone, the puck was intercepted by Hollis, who was stationed in his usual spot at the MAAK blue line. Hollis skated in alone, and backhanded the puck over goalie Cody Thron for the game's final goal.


Hollis

Right before the end of the game, a frustrated MAAK forward Jim Wood tried to bump stocky Dawgs goalie Sterner. What Wood didn't realize is that Sterner, with his pads on, weighs approximately 325 pounds. That collision didn't go well for Wood.


Stay down, bitch

The Dawgs now face maybe their toughest test of the season Tuesday night, when they play the Misfits. The Misfits are composed of many of the players from the Icebreakers, whom the Dawgs defeated for the summer league championship. Game time is 9:20.

In other Dawgs news:

Dawgs forward/defenseman Chris Acuna continues to look for creative ways to sell real estate in a tough market. This is his old promotional photo:



This is his new one:



Between periods of the game this week, the referee passes a giant kidney stone, and hands it to the scorekeeper


"Do you have a lttle cup?"

Part-time Dawgs forward Jack Kelly fell asleep on the bench before the game this week.


"zzzzzzz....money....zzzzzzz....cash....zzzzzzz....T-bills....."

Because of his wife Kathleen being out of town this week, a frisky defenseman Ben Ziff attempts to mount teammate Chris Acuna.


"Ziffer, get off me! Wait, do you want to buy a house?"

Dawgs II forward Nick Cortese this week found a sport in which he can compete with people his own age.


"I just like wearing the banana hammock"

New Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque shows everyone on the ice that he is proud of his French roots.



Dawgs captain Marty Richardson took a short trip to San Francisco this week to visit an old friend.

Dawgs Tear Down HTM Construction, 9-4

The Dawgs continue to go through the early EAHL schedule like crap through a goose. Tuesday night, they scored early, often, and rolled again to an easy 9-4 win over HTM Construction. The win now extends their EAHL unbeaten streak to 17 games.

Young forward Matt McGarvey, playing half the game without linemate and occasional fanny pal Shaun Hollis, netted a big three goal hat trick. Center Dam Pham continued his solid early season play, putting in his fourth and fifth.


McGarvey, left

The father and son team of Dennis and Michael Heaton each notched a goal, while French-Canadian wetback immigrant Bernie Levesque scored his third of the winter campaign. Star forward Shaun Hollis managed to tally one goal before being ejected due to some personal anger issues in the middle of the second period.

Goalie Al Sterner, after holding HTM to one goal for two periods, melted down in the third, giving up three softies when the effects of his pregame energy drink wore off.


Needs a larger can

The Dawgs came out hard right from the opening drop, pounding four goals past HTM goalie Brad Rowan in the first period. They increased their lead to 7-1 after two, highlighted by a strange goal from 50 year old Dennis Heaton.

While on a power play, Heaton was stationed to Rowan's left. When an errant shot was headed wide, the puck struck Heaton's colostomy bag, and deflected into the net for his first of the season.

The second period also featured the ejection of assistant captain Hollis, who in the early season had shown great restraint in the face of confrontation on the ice. After the game, it was revealed that Hollis was distraught over his recent breakup with pre-teen actress Dakota Fanning.


She was just the right age, too. What a bummer...

The Dawgs pretty much took the third period off, but still had a big enough lead to coast home with their fourth victory against no losses this season.

The boys now put their long unbeaten streak on the line Tuesday night, when they face MAAK Holdings. Game time is set for 10:20.

In other Dawgs news:

With his performance this week, McGarvey is now tied for the team lead in goals, with six. Hollis also has six, while Dan Pham just trails with five. Pham has yet to pick up an assist this season, leading many experts to believe that he is a selfish prick. This was confirmed by a recent magazine cover shoot for Pham.



Dawgs II forward Eddie Cribbs this week decided to stop playing games with the new women he dates, and just cut right to the chase.


Cribbs

Dawg Nation hero Travis "Bloody Fist" Hollis stayed undefeated for his young career in mixed martial arts last Saturday night, going to 3-0 with a unanimous decision over Matt Cox. In order to generate more publicity for his next fight, he will now be known as the Travis "Golden Bulge" Hollis.


That's actually a Bartlett pear, girls. Settle down...

This week Matt McGarvey and Shaun Hollis accepted roles in the sequel to their favorite date movie.

Up Your Ass, Mickey Mouse (Final Chapter)

Now for both of you out there who still read this shit, let's just take a moment to figure out where we left off last time. Hey, I have an idea. Let's do it TV style:

Previously, on Up Your Ass, Mickey Mouse:

Universal Studios was barely okay, L.A. traffic made me want to off myself, and some dickweed trucker rolled over on the I-15 freeway, killing himself and my family's chance to pet Shamu the Whale in San Diego. My daughter dropped a giant deuce in her swimsuit at the beach, we decided to drive screaming out of California a day early, and we had to cross the desert into Nevada at 113 degrees.

Okay, we're caught up. Hang on to your ass, kids- we're almost home.


Thursday, July 24th Primm, Nevada

We arrived at Buffalo Bill's Hotel and Casino around 7:00 Thursday night, after being caught in one traffic jam or another all day long in different parts of California. We were all tired, hungry, and ready to be out of the van for awhile.

They gave us a room on the top floor (15th) that had a strange odor; sort of a combination of failure, old people and ass. It wasn't a very nice place, but at that point I didn't give a shit. We needed a place to stay at the last minute, after our San Diego trip went down the crapper earlier. I figured this would do for one night.

We went downstairs, where they had a buffet restaurant, and chowed down on soggy shrimp and something that might have been roast beef. Or it might have been something they scraped off the highway. Not a real gourmet meal, the Buffalo Bill's Buffet.

So after that, we had to go swimming. We had gone swimming every night for six straight days, because The Girl wouldn't stop asking me about it until we went. It was around 8:30 when we went to the giant pool that was shaped like, you guessed it, a big buffalo. Buffalo? Bill's? Get it? We all just laughed and laughed...

We noticed that the lights weren't on when we got out there, and then I saw a sign that said that the pool closed at 8:00. Who the crap closes a hotel pool at 8? At that point in time, I was not ready to tell The Girl that she couldn't swim, when that was all she talked about for the last four hours of our ride during the afternoon. No friggin' way.

Screw it. Let's jump in until they kick us out. We actually got about a half hour in before some little old bastard that looked like he fell off a charm bracelet made us leave. So we barricaded the kids in the room, went downstairs and lost some money playing Pai Gow Poker, while drinking nasty Long Island Iced Teas. Everything about the hotel was kind of like Madonna- old and skanky.

We would discover just how skanky the next morning. Remember, this hotel was my idea.


Friday, July 25th- Las Vegas, Nevada

I opened my eyes Friday morning, only to discover that my lovely wife Annie was standing above me, staring a hole right through me. She was doing the old Vulcan Mind Meld, trying to wake my ass up.

"Allen, come into the bathroom. I need to talk to you."

Oh, shit.

"Allen! Now!"

So I rubbed my eyes, struggled out of bed, and went in to see what could possibly be so urgent. I thought maybe she caught one of the older boys whackin' the weasel in the shower. It wouldn't have surprised me- shit, I set a world record when I was their age. It was brilliant.

Well, imagine my surprise when I opened the door, and there she was, standing on the toilet. Swear to God.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"We have cockroaches!"

In the immortal words of Scooby Doo, ruh-roh...

We all have our things that make us jump on toilets. For me, it's mice. I hate those fast moving, come out of nowhere sons of bitches. Yeah, I know. I'm a pussy. Kiss my ass.

For my little wifey, it's big bugs and spiders.

"Where are they?", I said, hoping that she wouldn't remember that I picked the hotel.

"In the closet, under our suitcase."

So I looked under there, and sure as shit, there was a whole herd of those little bastards. How the hell did they make it up to the 15th floor? After I lifted the suitcase, they scattered like, well, cockroaches. I managed to stomp the piss out of a few to make Annie think I was semi-useful.

Still standing on the toilet, Annie announced, "We're leaving right now. Everybody pack up".

"Honey, I'd like to shower before..."

"Now!"

So we quickly threw everything in the suitcases, and off we went. Hell, NASCAR pit crews would have been proud of how fast we packed and hit the bricks. Because it was really the only place to have breakfast, we stopped at the McDonald's in the hotel's food court to eat before we took off. You can bet your sweet ass that I took a good look inside my Egg McMuffin before I took a bite of that sumbitch.

Believe it or not, Annie didn't really feel like eating, so she took the bags outside to load them up in the car. When we came out to join her, she was just standing there with kind of a blank look on her face. I could tell she had been crying.

I said, "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"I opened the suitcase, and a cockroach ran across my hand. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen."

And this was coming from a girl that cleaned up an enormous shit brick out of my daughter's swimsuit just the day before.

I may be going out on a limb, but I'll bet the house that we won't be ever staying at the Buffalo Bill's Hotel and Casino again.

So we got back on the road, and made our way towards Vegas, and the Gold Coast Hotel. We tried to get the Orleans again because of the great pool, but they were booked up. They were both owned by the same company, so we knew we could still use the Orleans pool if the Gold Coast's sucked.

It only took us 40 minutes to get to Vegas. In retrospect, we should have called ahead to the Gold Coast and stayed there the extra night instead of Cockroach Towers. Annie pointed that out to me more than once.

We got there around 11:00, and the nice people at the Gold Coast let us check in early. But there was one tiny little thing they forgot to tell us when we made our reservations. There was construction going on at the hotel, and they hoped we wouldn't mind the jackhammers and shit outside our room all day long.

Crap, I'd just spent eight days in a van with four kids. I'd lost most of my hearing and the will to live many moons ago.

So we went up and found our room. Just to be safe, before we unpacked our suitcases, we inspected it for wildlife. Finding none, we got settled in.

We decided to go to the downtown area of Vegas, and see if the Fremont Street Experience was in operation. For those of you that don't know, it's a covered area of around six blocks, and they show real cool images on the ceiling, like this:

What we didn't know was that the Experience only happened at night, and during the day it looks like this:

So that sucked, but while we were down there, we did stop by the Golden Nugget, and see the world's largest, you guessed it, gold nugget. It looked eerily similar to the world's largest brown nugget that The Girl had deposited in her Baby Speedos at the beach yesterday.

That killed about 30 seconds. Time to move on.

Our next stop was Circus Circus, because we knew they had a huge arcade where the kids could maybe win some souvenirs. We actually had some fun there, because your chubby little pal is a Skeeball playing mother ripper. I was able to win stuffed toys for all the kids, and not spend an arm and a leg. I was so proud.

Next, we went next door to the Slots of Fun Casino, and all lunched on the 99 cent foot-long chili dog. That baby is huge, and surprisingly good. While I was eating, I took a moment to wonder what that chili dog would look like next week, when The Girl finally pooped again. I guessed probably about the same, minus the bun.

I may have been fixating on poop a little too much. But you really should have seen that motherlode The Girl left in her one-piece at the beach. Tough to get that picture out of my mind.

Anyway, after that we went back to the hotel, because it was 109 degrees, and shockingly The Girl wanted to go swimming. We checked out the Gold Coast pool, and it was tiny. So we got in the van, and drove the half mile over to the Orleans.

When we got there, I took off my shirt to go swimming, and the kids kind of gasped. I said, "What's wrong?"

"Dad, you look like a giant tomato."

I knew I had gotten a little too much sun at the beach the previous day, but I didn't realize how much. I was fried. The kids were right. I looked like a tomato. But not the healthy, ripe kind. More like a stewed tomato- all saggy and shit. Only with lots of fur (I look a little like a Chia Pet). I didn't know then, but that sunburn was going to jack up my sleep for the next week.

So we did the swimming thing for a couple of hours. I stayed in the shade most of the time, and rubbed immense amounts of sunblock on my lumpy crimson carcass. Nobody dropped a giant growler in their shorts, so it was a big afternoon.

We gathered our stuff to go back to the Gold Coast so we could clean up, have some dinner, and take the hotel shuttle to The Strip and see the only other thing we wanted to see for the evening: the beautiful fountains at the Bellagio.

When we got to the parking garage, we saw a bunch of police and firemen lined up at the doors leading out to our car. I thought maybe they were collecting early for Jerry's Kids.

Not so much...

Fucking bomb scare.

You have got to be shitting me. In the past week, I thought we had seen it all. Multiple mechanical failures on amusement park rides, traffic jams out the wazoo, missing an entire day at Seaworld, almost getting hit by a flaming, out of control trailer, a cockroach stampede, and several tragic poopie incidents. And now a goddamn bomb scare? Really?

"Sir, we don't know how long this is going to take. We'll need you to go on back into the casino, and we'll let you know when we get the 'all clear', or when your van explodes into several million pieces. You might want to steer clear of any glass for a bit. And please make sure you check the organ donor box on your driver's license. Welcome to Las Vegas."

We hung out for about 90 minutes. They hadn't found whatever they were looking for, and had no clue when the garage was going to open back up. We were all still in our swimming suits- we were just going to change when we got back to our room. I had a serious ball wedgie from that mesh thing inside a guy's swimsuit that holds his junk in place. Not good times...

So we finally opted to abandon the van, and take the shuttle that goes back and forth between the Orleans and the Gold Coast. We weren't going to use the car to go to the strip anyway, so hopefully we could pick it up later Friday night. Or at least identify a charred license plate for the police.

Just more improv on the run from the Sterner family. We'd gotten good at it.

After waiting a half hour for the shuttle (the hotels were only half a freaking mile apart, for Christ's sake- I assumed the driver was getting a hum job somewhere), we made it back to the Gold Coast. There were big lines at the buffet and other restaurants, and we sure couldn't drive anywhere else, so we went for the luxury dining experience: The Gold Coast bowling alley snack bar. Bitchin'.

I grew up in bowling alleys, so I think the food is great. Nothing like a big old burger and fries, still dripping the oil from the fryer that hasn't been changed in six years. The kids liked it, too. Annie wasn't nearly as impressed.

After consuming the Heart Attack in a Basket, we got back on the other shuttle that would take us to the Bellagio. When we got there, we noticed something straightaway. There aren't many families with little kids on The Strip on Friday nights. To steal a phrase from Jim Rome, we stuck out like a boner in sweatpants.

If you haven't seen the Bellagio fountain show, it's unbelievably gorgeous. They play different songs every 15 minutes, and the fountains go off in sync with the music. I know it sounds kinda gay, but you really have to check it out to see how impressive it is. I'll bet it cost at least $100 to build that mamma-jamma.

So we sat through a few songs, and then went back for the shuttle that would return us to the Orleans, where we'd find out if our van blowed up real good. I was actually surprised when we got there and the vehicle was still in one piece. It would have been the perfect end to our family vacation.

It was around 10:00 when we got back to the Gold Coast. Between the cucarachas and the WMD at the Orleans from earlier, Annie didn't even feel like going downstairs, hammering some Long Islands, and playing some Pai Gow. So I went stag for a little while.

I found a $10 table, and sat down (for you gambling gringos, that means you have to bet at least 10 bucks per hand). A couple of minutes later, a well dressed foreign guy sat down next to me, and laid out $5000 in cash to buy chips. I guessed he was from like Turkey, or Morocco, or maybe Jersey. For our purposes, I'll just call him Omar.

So they gave Omar a shitload of chips for his five grand, and he layed $1000 down for his first bet. Just try to imagine how insignificant my $10 bet looked next to Omar's. You've heard of penis envy? I had chip envy. Fuckin' foreigners...

To make things even worse, Omar then fired up an unfiltered Camel, and plopped his ashtray right down next to me. I think Las Vegas is the only place left in the world where you can still smoke indoors. I grew up with cigarette smoke wafting in my face, but I wasn't used to it anymore, and it bothered me- big time. I lightly waved my hand in front of my nose, just to give him a little hint. He either didn't notice or didn't give a shit, because the lung rocket stayed right there in the ashtray.

I knew it was petty, but it became important to me for Omar to lose. And he did just that on the first hand. He pushed out another grand. He lost again. Two thousand bucks had gone poof in about two minutes. I tied the dealer, or pushed, twice, so my $10 was still sitting there. Take that, sand jockey.

Omar muttered something I assumed was a swear word in Moroccan, and put out yet another $1000 bet. Poof...

To quickly review, Omar had just lost in three minutes around the same amount of money that we had just spent for the whole week of vacation. The good news was that I won my hand, and happily stacked both of those red five dollar chips on top of the eight others I had in front of me. Cha-ching!

Now Omar was pissed. He bet his last $2000, and I think put a curse on the dealer's goat. He took a huge drag off of his unfiltered Camel, and put it back down, where it continued to send smoke straight up my right nostril.

Come on, baby, one more time...

Poof.

In four minutes, Omar waved "ma arsalema" (that's buh-bye in Moroccan- thanks Wikipedia) to five thousand dollars. David Copperfield couldn't have made that shit disappear faster. I covered my mouth so he couldn't see me smile.

I hadn't been this happy since I set that world record for "burping the worm" in the shower all those years ago.

Omar then demonstrated that he could also swear in English. He got up, told the poor little Asian dealer to go make love to herself, and stomped off. But he did leave the Camel burning in the ashtray, just to be sure that I would have a spot on my lung next time I go in for a physical.

Thanks, Omar. Have a great weekend, you Middle Eastern piece of shit. Oh, and you might want to mix in some Mennen's Speed Stick.

After all the excitement, I stayed for another hour, actually made $80 for a change, and went upstairs to bed. We had a long drive the next day.

Saturday, July 26th- Green River, Utah

Saturday morning, we happily left Las Vegas, and headed back east towards home. It took us about three hours, but we finally got out of the goddamn desert heat, and into something a little more normal, like 90 degrees. Very slick planning on our part, that vacation in the middle of the summer.

We didn't want to drive the entire 12 hours home Saturday, so we thought we'd go about halfway, which was Green River, Utah. It sounded pretty- the perfect place to spend our final night of vacation.

Well, we were so very, very wrong one more time. Green River was just another boil on Mother Nature's ass. The whole town can't have a thousand people in it, and it's fugly. The river isn't green, it's this crappy brown color. But I guess "Shit River" wouldn't look very good in the travel brochures.

There were no fast food places in Shit River, so we went to one of the two restaurants in town. I can't remember the real name of the place, but we ended up calling it Sam 'n Ella's. (Say that name real fast. Try it again. Ah, there you got it.)

It was Saturday night, so the entire town was there, I think. Zebediah, and his seven wives (this was Utah, after all); Merle from the fillin' station; Skeeter, the town sheriff; the whole gang. I think I was in a little self-destructive phase, because I ordered a big burrito with green chili.

I'll spare you the details about how I reacted to the Sam 'n Ella's burrito. Let's just say that the porcelain in our hotel room toilet, the wallpaper in the bathroom, and my kids' olfactory senses will never be quite the same. I left an extra 50 cents for the maid on Sunday morning- she certainly earned that four bits. Holy jumpin' smokes...

Anyway, we got the hell out of Morman country early Sunday morning, and drove the last six hours home. I can't tell you how great it was to get back to my own bed, back to my own DVR, and back to a place that doesn't have a swimming pool.

It was also great to get away from the kids for a while. Don't get me wrong- I love my kids more than my DVR (well, it's close), but we had been together for nine days straight. It was time for us to spend some time apart. Like three weeks.

So just to review- this was the Sterner family at the start of the vacation (click photos to enlarge):

And this was the Sterner family after:

Well, boys and girls, that's the story of our summer vacation. Thanks for letting me get that out- I feel a little bit better.

I've had a bunch of people ask me if all the crap that I described in the first three installments actually happened, or was I making it up for the story? It does seem a bit far fetched, doesn't it?

Kids, I have a confession. In chapter three, activists didn't try to push me back into the sea while I was laying on the beach, and clear out my blowhole. I made that up. But other than that, everything else really happened. No shit.

Now that it's over, what would we do differently? If Tinkerbell could wave her magic wand, and we could change anything, what would it be? I have a few thoughts:

1) I don't think we'd plan something for every day of the vacation. There would be a day or two where we would just hang out, or spend a whole day at the beach. Some time where we would just play it by ear. We definitely crammed 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag, timewise.

2) We wouldn't drive in the desert in the middle of July. We were kind of screwed, because we have such a short window between little league seasons. This was really the only time we could go, but it was a hot sonofabitch.

3) I imagine we wouldn't have stayed at Buffalo Bill's Hotel, Casino, and Cockroach Preserve. I'm almost sure on that one.

4) We wouldn't have gone to Universal Studios. It just wasn't worth it to deal with L.A. traffic. I'll never piss and moan about Denver traffic ever again. What a nightmare.

5) We wouldn't let the kids drink any liquids all week. We stopped 147 goddamn times to pee. Dehydration is a risk I'd be willing to take.

6) I'd be taller. She's got a magic wand, right? I'm just saying...