Dawgs Refuse To Lose- Triumph In Shootout

It looked like the streak was over. 18 consecutive EAHL games without a regulation defeat. With six minutes left in the third period Tuesday night, the Dawgs I squad was actually behind for the first time in forever. Well, it was a nice run, while it lasted.

Not so fast...

Dawg star forward and ongoing tremendous pussy Shaun Hollis' clutch goal with just a few minutes left in regulation sent the game to an overtime shootout. And then two big penalty shot goals were enough in the extra session, as the Dawgs prevailed 6-5 over the Misfits in easily the best game of the EAHL winter season.

Hollis seized back his team goal scoring lead with a huge hat trick, now giving him 11. Dan Pham scored his 10th of the season, and young Michael Heaton came within an assist of a Gordie Howe hat trick, scoring a goal and getting into his first adult league scuffle.

It looked early like it was curtains for the Dawgs streak, which dates back to February of 2008. Just four minutes had elapsed when a Misfits defenseman took a shot from the point that banked off Dawgs defenseman Rick Zimmat's skate, and into the goal. 1-0, bad guys.

A couple of minutes later, the Misfits lead was doubled when forward Chris Thornton crossed in front of the net, and lifted a backhand that was partially deflected. The puck bewildered Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who should have dealt with the shot, and went in over his blocker to make it 2-0.

Paging the "Hump Line". Hump Line, please report to center ice...

New linemates Hollis and Pham each scored quickly to draw to Dawgs level at two, with Matt McGarvey picking up an assist. But just a few minutes later, Misfits star Marc-Andre Piette made Sterner look like a moron on a breakaway, beating him through his gigantic five hole to take back the lead.


We're talkin' big 5-hole

Hollis got his second of the game before the end of the first frame, and the contest was even at 3-3 entering the second. This was definitely one of those nights where the opposing goalies were going to have to hang on to their asses, and try to do something to keep the other team in single digits.

Around halfway through the second period, the Dawgs grabbed the lead for the only time of the evening, when 18 year old Michael Heaton ripped a shot through a screen. The puck hit the heel of the glove of Misfits goalie Tom Lester, bounced over his shoulder, and trickled into the net for Heaton's fourth of the season.


Young Heaton

Heaton's evening would end just a couple of minutes later. After being high-sticked in the helmet by Misfit forward Joe Quinones, Heaton confronted Quinones after the whistle. Quinones punched young Heaton twice, and Heaton had no choice but to respond. Both players grappled on the ice and were ejected from the game. Heaton was also immediately grounded by his father Dennis, who was standing nearby during the altercation.

For some reason during the scuffle, Misfits defenseman Nick Stroot threw off his gloves, and challenged the Dawgs bench to fight. He found no takers, mainly because nobody on the Dawgs wanted to see Stroot ejected from the game. Stroot was much more valuable to the Dawgs staying on the ice, because he sucks major ass as a player, giving the Dawgs a better chance to win. Still, Stroot now joins Llamas defenseman Bobby Norris on the All-Shithead team in the EAHL.


Stroot

When play resumed, Piette made Sterner look like an idiot once again on a two-on-zero breakaway, the game was all knotted up at four heading to the third.

It stayed that way until the Misfits went on a power play with eight minutes left. After a goalmouth scramble, Piette muscled his way in front of the net, and completed his hat trick, giving his team a 5-4 lead. Things looked mighty gloomy for the Dawgs long winning streak.

But Hollis gave his team new life with just over two minutes remaining. He gathered a loose puck near the net, and slid it into the far corner, just beating Lester to the post. The last seconds of regulation ran out, and the Dawgs were heading to their first overtime shootout of the winter season.

For the shootout, the Dawgs decided to go with their big guns early, letting the Hump Line of Matt McGarvey, Shaun Hollis, and Dan Pham take the first three shots. That way they could build a nice lead for Sterner, who last won a shootout in 1993.

That would have been just a super strategy if any of the three had actually put the puck in the net.

McGarvey tried first and failed to score through Lester's five hole, making him zero for his last 59 shootout penalty tries.

Hollis followed by trying the old Peter Forsberg postage stamp move, cutting across the net and dragging the puck behind Lester. Unfortunately, as the golfers say, Hollis doesn't have that club in his bag, and the effort was stamped "return to sender".


Yeah, this will never happen...

Pham then tried the same move that had worked in the first period, cutting to his right and trying to lift a backhand over Lester. This time, the puck rang off the post, and the Hump Line ended up shooting blanks.

Meanwhile, Sterner was making great use of the horseshoe that he rammed up his ass right before the shootout. The first Misfit player hit the crossbar, and Sterner somehow managed to flop in front of the other two to keep matters scoreless in the overtime. But the fourth shooter found Sterner's weakness, Mr. Five Hole, and the Misfits had the lead with two Dawgs shooters left.

Now that the Hump Line had gagged like they were trying to swallow week-old Polish afterbirth, the Dawgs were forced to rely on rookie forward and snooty French Canadian immigrant Bernie Levesque. Levesque, whose name in French means, "the vesque", skated in alone on Lester, moved to his backhand, and roofed one to tie the shootout. He then went to the bench, started to chain smoke, and surrendered to everyone in the arena.


You know, because he's French. Try to keep up.

That left both teams even, and with one shooter left. For the Misfits, it just happened to be Marc-Andre Piette, who had made Sterner his personal bitch throughout regulation play. Piette, who appears to be in his early 20's, must have already been counting the goal as he skated in on Sterner, who turns 50 on Halloween.

But Sterner, who is smarter than he looks, remembered that Piette had made a deke move to his forehand on a penalty shot in the Quest for the Cup tournament in June, and had beaten Sterner like a bastard stepchild. Sterner guessed correctly that he would try it again, overplayed that way and stopped Piette for the first time in his life.

Take that, sonny...

Now the Dawgs had one last chance to bring home the shootout win and extend their magical streak. So they placed all their hopes and dreams on the stick of...



Dennis Heaton? No shit?

Heaton, also 50, graduated with Sterner from Pomona High School in 1976, and had to take the summer off from hockey while recovering from a tough case of Headgiver's Neck. He calmly skated to center ice, after being awakened by teammates. Having no other gear, he moved slowly into the zone, and veered to his right, so he could cut left across the net. While cutting, he moved the puck to his backhand, then somehow nudged the puck between Lester's pads, and into the goal to give his team the big win and two points in the standings.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Heaton said, "I haven't felt this good since the last time I was able to get a woody. That was 1985. I'm old."


Heaton-1985

Now 6-0 and four points clear of the rest of the league for the EAHL winter season, the Dawgs have one more game before their bye week. They play Cobra Kai Tuesday night at 9:00, and this week is Marty Richardson Bobblehead Night. The first 10,000 fans at the game will receive the collector's item, whose head moves up and down faster when you hold it closer to your penis.


No batteries required- that head will bob up and down forever


In other Dawgs news:

A look at EAHL statistics this week shows two players tied for the league lead in assists, with nine. One is not a surprise- Dawgs star forward Shaun Hollis. The other may come as a shock: Tito Pijanowski?

"Tito make pass..."

Because of his new fame, Pijanowski, who is listed in the Dawgs media guide as a "sort of a defenseman", realized his dream this week of appearing on a cereal box. But it wasn't exactly Wheaties:

Don't ever criticize my articles, Tito

This week Dawgs assistant captain Shaun Hollis broke up again with linemate Matt McGarvey, in order to spend quality time with new flame, golfer Phil Mickelson.


What, no reacharound? Selfish bastard...

Dawgs captain and former knob polisher Marty Richardson missed the game this week in order to spend time in Philadelphia. While there, he got carried away while rubbing the pectoral muscles of the famous Rocky Balboa statue. Embarrassingly, he achieved yet another spontaneous orgasm.

The 0-face just never stops being funny