On April 6th, Dawgs II goalie Brian Harvey welcomed his first child into the world, a stunning little girl named Emily. Since then, however, DNA tests have finally revealed the true father of the beautiful young lady.
Everyone knew there was something fishy. She's way too cute to belong to a goalie.
Well, the other shoe dropped last weekend, as Dawgs captain and former anal warrior Marty Richardson lost his favorite girl in the world. No, not his wife-for-tax-purposes-only Cindy, but his beloved 1986 Ford Bronco II, AKA the Dawgmobile.
Richardson claims that during last week's massive storm, a tree branch that was weighed down with wet snow crashed down on top of the Dawgmobile, collapsing the roof and shattering the surrounding windows.
But further investigation showed that Richardson's story wasn't quite true. It turns out that Richardson destroyed the roof himself, while attempting to make sweet, acrobatic love with Dawgs II forward Nick Cortese.
"Nick, get down here and help me get the glass out of my colon, goddammit!"
Caught red-handed, Richardson tearfully explained why he made up the story about the snow. "It was kind of a grey area in my car insurance policy. I couldn't find anything about damage to my vehicle while bangin' dudes. I'm not sure, but they may have disallowed the claim. Fuckin' State Farm!"
The week continued to get worse for Richardson, as he lost power to his stately mountain castle west of Denver. For five long days, his entire family went without basic necessities, including running water. Marty was able to struggle through, but not being able to shower had an adverse effect on Cindy's general appearance.
Xcel Energy may owe Cindy an apology
Meanwhile, Richardson's brother Nigel, who lives in the same area, also lost power to his house. But instead of suffering like his brother, he dealt with the problem in a slightly different manner. He spent the week in Hawaii rubbing suntan lotion all over his teenage girlfriend Kelly. This only adds to the legend of Nigel Richardson, the current title holder of The Luckiest Son of a Bitch on the face of the Earth.
There are several great mysteries in life:
Is there a God?
Is there life after death?
How does a blind guy know when he's done wiping his ass?
But life's biggest mystery remains:
How does Nigel Richardson get to wake up next to this every day?
Nigel must have a dong like Man O'War
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