Except for the national spelling bee finals, pageants are the best events for making fun of people, and if you're a regular reader, you know that the Sterner family never misses an opportunity to make fun of people. So here we are, your little pal, my wife Annie, and my two oldest boys Mike and Sam, ready to unleash a total shitstorm of wisecracks for the next two hours. Annie has intentionally given the two youngest kids something else to do, because she knows this crowd.
Yeah, we could probably be spending our family time doing something more constructive and educational than cracking beauty queens. We could maybe take a nice bike ride...
Fuck it- this is a lot more fun.
This year, mainly because we're between hockey seasons and I've been hurting for something to write about, I decided to keep a running diary of the big event. So buckle up, and paste on that big fake pageant smile. Here goes nothin'...
6:00- Sweet! Donald Trump's putting on the pageant from Las Vegas this year. I wonder if he might possibly work in a plug for his new casino out there. I'll tell you what, Trump might be the world's biggest boner, but he sure knows how to run a pageant. Forget about scholarships and talent, he knows why America watches this shit. Bring on the hot girls in skimpy outfits...
Speaking of which, here comes the Parade of States, otherwise known as the last time you'll see Miss Wyoming. Pretty slim pickin's in the old Cowboy State. Last year Miss Wyoming was a sheep. Not bad looking, though. I'd do her...
All the girls are wearing the same thing- a white halter top and a tiny little white skirt. You the man, Donald. This is our first chance to meet the contestants, and weed out the ones that have absolutely no chance. Also, we all try to pick out the winner, and call our shot right from the start.
Some of the girls in the "No F-in Way" Group:
Miss Delaware- looks like Mr. Ed
Miss Idaho- they say she's 27; looks like 47
Miss Ohio- talks like Patty and Selma from The Simpsons; must be a heavy smoker
Miss Illinois- her eyes sit too low, like Mena Suvari; looks like she has a "five head" (that's bigger than a forehead- try to keep up)
See what I mean? You could land a plane on Mena's forehead
Miss Montana- usually just a little higher on the food chain than Miss Wyoming. Not this year...
Miss South Dakota- has Mount Rushmore sized boobs; other than that, nuh-uh...
Miss Wyoming- she's from my home town of Casper. If she was still in Casper, she'd be okay. In this crowd- not even close.
Miss New Mexico- holy jumpin' smokes! We rolled back the DVR three time to make sure she wasn't a dude. She's African-American, has a protruding orbital ridge and what appears to be fangs. Mike called her "Count Blacula". (Mike wins the silver medal for the Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening)
Now we all pick our winner. This is really tough, because you only see the girls for a couple of seconds. But some just jump right out at you.
Sam takes West Virginia, Mike has Utah, Annie goes for Miss Texas, and I grab North Carolina. We'll see what happens.
6:10- The Parade of States finally ends, and we go live to the Planet Hollywood Theater, where the girls are all on stage for the opening dance number. Miss Wisconsin is completely lost- there are always a few girls that have no rhythm. We play that back a few times, taking a moment to point and laugh.
Our host for the evening? Aw, fuck- it's Billy Bush. He must have pictures of Trump banging a farm animal, because there's no other reason why he should get this gig. And co-hosting is Nadine Valasquez from My Name is Earl. Nobody in the room knows who she is, but she's currently grinding her crotch on Billy Bush to the beat of "That's Not My Name" by the Ting-Tings. I'll bet this is as close as Billy has ever gotten to female genitalia.
What a queef that guy is.
6:15- After a few minutes of banter and bullshit, they go straight to cutting the 51 contestants down to 15. All four of our girls that we picked to win are in this group. The only real surprise is that Miss Idaho made it. She squints, has huge hair, and looks like Stiffler's Mom from "American Pie".
6:30- All-righty, here comes the swimsuit competition! They'll be parading around to the sound of Kevin Rudolph singing "Let It Rock". I really like this song, except Kevin looks like a fat Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", and has this stringy black hair hanging down from under his stupid Damone hat. Here he is:
We determine that he has no chance of scoring with any of the girls, except possibly Count Blacula. Oh, and the live version of his song sucks.
After each of the girls do their strutting thing, the judges' scores are flashed on the screen. They range from my pick, Miss North Carolina (9.19- see below), all the way down to Stiffler's Mom (7.80- should have been lower).
Miss South Carolina, the only girl with that sassy, short blonde hairdo, walks like she's holding in a fart. We decide that she'll be Fart Girl for the rest of the pageant.
6:50- I guess the judges have seen everything they need to see, and as you can tell from the bikinis, everything they don't need to see. Again, bless your heart, Donald Trump. They're ready to cut the group down from 15 to 10.
I haven't seen either one of my teenage boys for the last 10 minutes since the swimsuit contest ended. Hmmm...
No real surprises here, except Fart Girl got through. I thought it would be the end of the line for her, and then she could excuse herself, go outside, and let 'er rip.
(While we're on the subject- is it me, or does everyone find it difficult to imagine a great looking girl cheesin' a big old fart? I know they do just like everyone else, but I just won't allow myself to consider that possibility. Like, does Jessica Biel run up to Timberlake and say, "Hey, Justin, pull my finger!"? No way, right? These are the things that go through my mind on a regular basis. And yes, I do realize I'm a twisted little fucker. Let's just move on...)
By the way, Stiffler's Mom is out of here. She did pretty well considering we both were born in 1958. 27 years old, my ass...
7:00- Now that they're down to 10, we're getting to know the contestants in a little more detail. All 10 are between 5'7" and 5"10", and they're pretty well divided between blondes and brunettes. On their profiles, they showed some of their favorite hobbies, which is always good for a joke or two. For example:
Miss Arkansas- her name is Chanley Pointer (Chanley?), and her hobbies are "playing the fiddle, and armadillo watching". Now if she fiddled with armadillos, then we'd really have something interesting to watch.
Miss Tennesee- Kristen Motil loves baking cupcakes. Wow, way to challenge yourself, Kristen. Next, she'll really push the envelope and hard-boil an egg. See, this is why assholes like me make fun of pageant contestants. Plus Kristen looks like Denise Richards, complete with the bitchy look on her face. She needs to lose.
Miss Utah- Laura Chukanov (pronounced chuck-un-off) enjoys belly dancing. You know, my mom caught me Chukanov one time, and told me I'd go blind if I didn't stop. She was wrong- I have 20/300 vision. Totally worth it.
Miss South Carolina (Fart Girl)- Stephanie Smith likes to teach Sunday school, and walk like she's smuggling six kilos of cocaine up her ass. Okay, I made that last part up, but she really needs to unclench.
See, she's clenching right now
7:15- Nadine Velasquez is getting on my nerves. She keeps twitching like Michael J. Fox on a bad day, and she's trying to be funny, and not pulling it off. I'm guessing she performed a "Rusty Trombone" on Donald Trump to get this job tonight (Google Rusty Trombone if you don't understand). It makes me wish that Marie Osmond were still alive so she could have done this instead.
7:20- More Las Vegas promotional bullshit (way too much of that), and we're on to the evening gown competition. And while they're walking out and showing off the goodies, it's The Veronicas singing "Untouched". I love that song, and just let out a squeal like a 14 year old girl.
My boy Sam told me that I was way too excited about a song for middle school girls, and he's never been more disappointed to be my son. Now that hurts- it's a song for high school girls, and he knows it. He's now my least favorite child, replacing my daughter, who's held the title for a long, long time.
I've never seen The Veronicas before, and they look quite a little bit like, well, crack whores. Plus they're lip-synching the song, which always sucks. Shit, Kevin Rudolph was awful, but at least he gave it a try live.
Yikes...
Anyway, my girl from North Carolina is stunning again, and wins with a 9.47. Fart Girl is all the way down at 8.33, because by now she's walking so funny, the judges aren't even looking at the dress anymore. Just blow the butt bugle already, Stephanie. We'll all feel better...
Chanley from Arkansas is wearing a gown that's a two-piece, with a red halter top. She must have thought it was the Lady of the Evening Gown competition. Bad idea. She gets an 8.41, and my TV just made a sound like when Pac Man gets eaten by one of the ghosts. She's done.
7:40- Before we get down to the five finalists, they need to award Miss Congeniality, otherwise known as "51st Place".
And the winner is: Holy shit- it's Miss Wyoming!
She must not have been expecting to be onstage any more tonight. She comes back holding a bottle of vodka and a five gallon bucket of Haagen-Dazs. She snatches her trophy, gives Billy Bush the finger, and walks off chugging the vodka like Gatorade.
7:45- Okay kids, here's the top five. Of course, Miss North Carolina gets in, and is joined by Miss Arizona, Alicia Monique Blanco. Nadine Velasquez has a small Hispanic orgasm when she announces that name- it's pretty obvious who she's rooting for.
(One quick note. I just looked it up, and the Spanish word for orgasm is...orgasmo. I thought it would be something a lot more colorful, like "explodo magnifico". Oh, well...)
Next, it's Miss California, whom I haven't mentioned yet, but she's a whole lot of good looking. Then Miss Kentucky, who's a real sleeper pick, because she has that "girl next door" quality about her. And finally, Chukanov from Utah, whom Mike picked right from the start.
I think it's North Carolina's to lose, but they still have to answer that nasty final question. Believe it or not, some of these girls have a little problem when they have to think on their feet.
No, it's true...
7:50- Here come the questions. North Carolina gets one about the bailout, and says all that money should go towards education. Good, safe answer- she has been coached well.
Next, Miss Arizona is asked about health care, and goes into some bullshit about her integrity. She never came close to answering the question, but Nadine still gushes about how terrific it was.
Nadine Velasquez cannot get the fuck off my TV screen soon enough.
Chukanov for some reason is asked about elections in Afghanistan, and actually does pretty well. She may have been talking about the Afghan dogs instead of the people, but still...
Miss California comes up, and the question is asked by the always annoying and exceptionally gay blogger Perez Hilton. My kids ask Annie who Perez Hilton is, and she says that he "blogs like Dad does, only he knows how to write". Now, was that necessary?
Without even thinking, I say, "He may be able to write better, but at least I won't wake up tomorrow morning with a butthole the size of the Eisenhower Tunnel". Annie immediately yells, "Allen!", and I then realize that I still have two teenage sons in the room. I look over, and both of them are literally rolling on the floor laughing, which doesn't help my cause one little bit.
Al, meet the doghouse. Doghouse, Al. You'll be spending some time together.
If nothing else, I got the gold medal for the Most Inappropriate Comment of the Evening. I've missed out the past few family nights, and it was time for that baby to come home. Doghouse, schmoghouse...I regret nothing.
Anywho, Perez of course asks a question about gay marriage, and Miss California has the audacity to say that she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman. Wow, what a bitch. Well, Perez gets a look on his face like he just smelled Miss South Carolina's long-overdue fart, and you can actually hear his ass tighten up. And for him, that has to be a bunch of tightening.
I tell Annie, "She's dead". Annie doesn't answer- she's still unhappy about that butthole joke.
Finally, the smoke clears, and Miss Kentucky gives a great answer about domestic violence. She sounds like Holly Hunter. Which for me, is a big plus.
Mmmm...Holly Hunter...
7:55- So we're back from the commercial, and they get the envelope to announce the winners. Drumroll, please:
4th Runnerup- Miss Kentucky. I think she got screwed- she was easily in the top three.
3rd Runnerup- Miss Utah. Mike's pissed- he thought she was going to win. I think it's about right.
2nd Runnerup- Miss Arizona. Nadine is visibly pissed when she reads the name. Alicia's answer to the last question killed her. Jesus, Nadine is a twitching moron.
Now we have Miss California, whom I can't believe is still here after the controversial answer, and North Carolina. While Billy is droning on about what happens with the runnerup if the winner can't fulfill her duties or has a major cocaine problem like that girl from two years ago, the two finalists are holding hands, and staring into each other's eyes.
It's actually pretty hot.
Annie and I notice that while they're holding hands, Miss North Carolina's hands are resting on Miss California's boobs. I'll bet that half the males watching never hear who wins, because they had to leave the room to go "take a shower".
Finally, Billy reads the winner, and it's...Miss North Carolina! For the second time since Annie and I have been watching pageants (and that's around 15 years), I picked her out of the parade of 51 states. So I have bragging rights until Miss Universe, which is sometime in July, I think.
So thanks for spending the evening with my demented little family. The real fun is next month, when the National Spelling Bee is on- otherwise known as the Night of a Thousand Dorks. That there is a good family night. Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go kick the dog off the couch. Annie just informed me that I'm going to be sleeping there and Chukanov for the foreseeable future.
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