Last June, Packard finished his sixth and final year of college at Colorado State Universtity-Pueblo, receiving his degree in business, with a minor in advanced two-fisted drinking.
Then, late last year, Packard was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. But in the past several months, he has undergone two operations to remove the malignancy, the latest happening just in the past few days. He will continue to undergo treatment, but his prognosis is very good for a full recovery.
So after courageously battling against a deadly disease, and being well on the way winning that battle, Packard decided last week to end his life in a much more painful way by proposing marriage to his girlfriend Amber.
Seeking the most cliche way possible to pop the question, Packard ignored the freezing mountain elements and dragged Amber to a gazebo high atop the Sol Vista ski resort in Colorado. When they arrived, he got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring containing a 1/64th of a carat diamond he scored on a Blue Light Special at K-Mart.
"Look really close. Closer. See, it's a diamond. It is, too!"
Choking back tears, Packard gazed into Amber's eyes, and at just the right moment said, "Holy fuck, I wish I had worn a coat. I'm freezing my balls off. Oh, by the way, will you marry me? I'd like your answer now so I can get back in the car. Honest to God, I can't feel my nuts."
After momentarily laughing at the ring, and watching with curiosity as Packard's lips turned blue, Amber finally said "Well, I suppose you'd do until I can find somebody with some real money." She then sighed heavily and said, "Yeah...fuck it...okay. Fuck."
Packard had dreamed his whole life of hearing those exact words. He slipped the ring on Amber's finger, after making sure the sliver of a diamond hadn't fallen out of the tiny setting. He then felt a sudden, excruciating pain in his head. Fearing the worst, Packard was rushed to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with hypothermia. It was caused by the enormous amount of "Dippity-Do" hair gel that froze on Packard's head, leading to a critical case of "ice cream headache".
Packard recovered, but lost the use of the remaining 26% of his brain that was left after the drinking in college. Nobody will ever notice the difference.
Dawg Nation sends their best wishes to Danny and Amber, who will soon embark on their journey into marriage, resulting in the best eight weeks of their lives. After that, their marriage will be the same as everyone else: like being slowly eaten by a pack of wild dingos, until the sweet, sweet release of death.
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