Old Dawgs Fall- And They Can't Get Up

Things tend to change when guys get older. Waistlines get a little thicker, hairlines get a little thinner, and when our wives ask us if we want to have "super sex", we think about it for a moment, and then say "I think I'll have the soup".

Oh, and one other thing: eight old guys have trouble playing an entire hockey game without having a bran muffin and a nap.

But that's what the Old Dawgs were faced with last Thursday night. Because of various reasons, the usual 14 skaters were pared down to eight brave warriors, and then eventually seven. They hung tough for over two and a half periods, before finally running out of gas and losing to Team Yellow, 4-2.

It was the Old Dawgs first loss of the new season, and left them in second place with a 2-1 record. Tito Pijanowski notched his fifth goal of the winter campaign, while Dawgs captain and former anal buccaneer Marty Richardson knocked in his second.

Goalie Al Sterner, who should have been the freshest player on the ice, couldn't hold off a late charge by Team Yellow, and surrendered two goals with under three minutes left to absorb the loss.


Sterner

Things looked good at the start of the contest for the Old Dawgs, when Tito Pijanowski picked up a rebound from a shot on Sterner, and headed for the other end of the ice, employing his patented "Polish Snowplow". He cut to the net, and beat Team Yellow keeper Vince Sciandra to make it 1-0 after less than a minute had elapsed.

Team Yellow tied the game four minutes later when Paul Truex scored on a low shot that eluded Sterner, and it was all square going to the second. But Marty Richardson tallied on a power play less than two minutes into the middle frame, and the Dawgs lead was restored at 2-1.

It stayed that way until around three minutes remained in the second, and then things got a little nasty in the old man league. Team Yellow's Truex took Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol into the boards, and was called for a two minute penalty. Courtiol approached Truex, and the resulting verbal altercation netted Courtiol a two minute, ten minute, and finally a game misconduct penalty. Courtiol was invited to take his toys and go home, and the Old Dawgs were left with seven players to play the final period. Courtiol was still unhappy in the parking lot as he left the arena.


"Fuck you and Mr. Hooper!"

The Old Dawgs tried as hard as they could, but finally wore down with three minutes left. Team Yellow's Jon Guelzow wristed a shot that deflected off of a Dawgs player and into the net to level the score, and then Brent Black stuffed in a rebound from in close to give his team the lead with under two minutes left. Truex scored an empty netter in the final minute for the final margin.

After the game, several Old Dawgs players looked like the game might have taken its toll.



Forward John Theilen was so tired, he said he missed the "good old days" when he had Hepatitis C.

Eddie Cribbs was exhausted, having used up more energy than the last time he made love to a woman. Which was September 19, 1978.


"Do a little dance...make a little love..."

The Old Dawgs now get a chance for redemption, when they play the Coyotes. In a special promotion, tonight is Chris Courtiol Bobblehead Night, where the first 1000 fans will receive the limited souvenir. It comes with a special feature, where you push a button on the back of his helmet, and he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward and noted stinky French guy Bernie Levesque missed the game last week in order to play a rousing game of softball. The only problem he has is that every time the other team picks up a bat, Levesque goes back to his roots and surrenders.


"Zut alors!"

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner turns 52 this weekend, and will celebrate by going on an intimate date with his one and only true love.


Doesn't need to cuddle afterward

It might be time for Old Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski to think about dating again.


"Tito need poon-tang!"

Old Dawgs Debut With Two Wins

Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die-they just fade away".

Sixty years later, there is a new saying: "Old hockey players never die- they just play in the Over 40 League. "

This winter, the new Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League (or SDOHL- doesn't that just roll off the tongue) needed a sixth team to complete their membership. The league is being run by John Ling, who looks like Harry Potter's gay grandfather.



Dawgs captain and former East Colfax testicle drainer Marty Richardson gauged interest in both of the teams that represent Dawg Nation. Not surprisingly, there were plenty of players that jumped at the opportunity to get the fuck away from their wives for another night of the week, and in two cases, it was a chance to take a break from whacking off together while watching gladiator movies.


"Oh, Russell Crowe, you're so shiny!"

So now 15 players, with a combined age of approximately 1126, play on the newest representative of Dawg Nation. They are called the "Old Dawgs".

Possible new team logo

And it has gone very well in the first two games of the season. They opened with a convincing 8-4 victory against the Llamas, and last Tuesday night, they came away with a nice 5-2 win over Touchstone, which is led by former Dawgs player Ben Ziff and his magic Jew-Fro.


Ziff

The Dawgs are led so far by "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who has racked up four goals and four assists in the two games. Never a "stay at home" defenseman to begin with, he now roams the entire ice surface at Foothills Arena like a free range chicken, employing his patented one armed stickhandling technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".


"Tito do good...Tito make score"

Also off to a good start is Dave Chamberlain, who has a goal and three assists despite missing the second game. Right behind him is Bernie Levesque, who has lit the lamp three times, and continues to play despite ongoing pleas from his teammates to stop being French.

Captain Richardson has chipped in nicely with a sweet goal against Touchstone, and added two assists. But Richardson's most memorable contribution this season actually came before the game started last Tuesday night.

As he was skating out for the opening faceoff, Richardson pivoted, tripped over the center red line, and slid into the back of the referee's legs. The ref went down hard on the ice, and quickly assessed Richardson a two minute penalty for being a dipshit.

Richardson

And longtime Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who turns 52 in a week, is now officially playing hole number 18 of his career (dogleg, with water down the right side). He hasn't exactly been stellar to start the season, but his team has scored enough goals to hold him up while he solves his immediate problem.

Sterner

But probably the best story of the new season has been the return of forward John Theilen. Theilen has been battling Hepatitus C, which he reportedly contracted from a Vietnamese hooker during the Tet Offensive of 1969. He has completed a series of treatments that weaken the body, and has bounced back, returning to the game he loves, even scoring a goal in his second game. All of Dawg Nation congratulates Theilen, and continues to root for a complete recovery.

Theilen

The Old Dawgs strap on the skates once again tonight, when they face Team Yellow at 7:15. The game starts early enough so that the team can get home in time to catch a rousing episode of Matlock before they go to sleep.

Yeah-Matlock!

In other Old Dawgs news:

This season the Old Dawgs welcome a new to player to The Nation, defenseman Chris Courtiol. He is already well liked despite having three strikes against him: he's way too tall, of French descent, and the brother-in-law of Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque. That's very difficult to overcome.

Courtiol

This week Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque bought a kitten, but not until he confirmed that it was also French.


Yep, it's French all right...

Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs scored a goal last week against the Llamas. It was the first time this century that Cribbs has scored...at anything.


Cribbs

Dawgs Win Big- Tito Is a Dickhole

The Dawgs I squad got back to winning ways this week, dominating from the start and completely destroying a vastly undermanned Ozone team by a 16-2 score. It was the most goals any Dawgs side has ever scored in a game, and it could have been much more had it not been for the play of Ozone goalkeeper Tim Kmetz.

It may be tough to fathom because he gave up 16 goals, but Kmetz was unbelievable for the first period and a half, surrendering only three. But with a massive total of 60 shots for the game, the Dawgs wore him down, and eventually an exhausted Kmetz could only wave as shot after shot went past him in the last half.

Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner spent most of the game doing what he does best- standing in one place with his thumb up his ass. Ozone managed just eight shots on goal, and Sterner gave up just one real tally, being beaten like a Saudi woman with an opinion on a breakaway in the second period.

What happened to cause the second goal? Hang on for just a little bit- funny story, that...

Besides scoring their highest total ever, the Dawgs set one more team record Tuesday night. Nine different players lit the lamp, easily the best ever performance from a team that only used 13 players for the game. Tyson Dale and future butt doctor Josh Adams each managed a hat trick, which also might be a team first.

But for all the goals that were scored in the game, the real story happened in the middle of the second period.

After the Dawgs had just scored to take an 8-1 lead, defenseman when the mood strikes Tito Pijanowski concocted a little plan with linemate Mike Abdella. It seems that Pijanowski took a little bit of offense when his goalie Al Sterner questioned his ability to coach junior hockey players the week before this game.

After the faceoff at center ice, Abdella dropped a pass back to Pijanowski, who was in the Dawgs zone. Instead of advancing the puck forward, Pijanowski took it right in front of the Dawgs goal, and backhanded a shot right between the pads of an unexpecting and stunned Al Sterner, and into the back of his own net.

At first Sterner and everyone on the Dawgs thought possibly that Pijanowski was confused, because after all, he is a rather stupid Polack. But right after he scored the "own goal", he skated near Sterner, and said, "That's for saying I can't coach".

It seemed strange to Sterner that Pijanowski would take offense to a passing joke, because he hadn't been particularly offended by previous comments and pictures that had been posted in the past several years. The following are just a few of those items:


Tito and old girlfriend


Tito and new girlfriend. They're wearing the same shirt- what are the odds?



Tito attempting sex with figure skater


Tito attempting sex with Siamese twins


Tito attempting sex with Dawgs captain's wife


Tito bobblehead night


Tito wearing crown after tourney win

But no, Pijanowski decided to take revenge over a simple joke. And in so doing, Pijanowski made his largest mistake since not aborting twin sons Mitchell and Michael when he had the chance 19 years ago. He has now incurred the wrath of a twisted goalkeeper with a blogsite, a vivid imagination, and too much time on his hands. Buckle up, Tito...

Proving that karma is a very real occurance, Pijanowski got hurt in the middle of the third period, when an Ozone players intentionally dove at his knees, and sent him crashing into the boards. He suffered a contusion on his left knee, and stayed down on the ice for 30 seconds, before heading back to his bench. As he passed the offending Ozone player who was already in the penalty box, something happened...


Uh, oh...

For the first time in two years, Pijanowski went through the transformation:


"TITO....PISSED!!!!"
Pijanowski then tried to enter the Ozone penalty box and tear most of the limbs off of the Ozone player. When he was stopped by both referees, several Dawgs teammates, and the National Guard, he tried to get at the Ozone player by entering his own penalty box, and crossing behind the scorekeeper, who was silently praying for her own safety.

At that point, the referees decided to send both players off the ice, and into their respective locker rooms. This was a very bad idea, because now Pijanowski would have access to the player with nobody to stop him. But finally, cooler heads prevailed, and both players stayed apart for the rest of the evening, but not before the Ozone player soiled his breezers.

After that, the Dawgs poured five more goals past Ozone keeper Kmetz, finishing with a whopping 16 for the contest. Kmetz deserved better, making a ton of spectacular saves, especially in the first half of the game.

The Dawgs, now 2-1 for the season, will take on Dr. 5 Hole Tuesday night. The two teams played the first game of the winter season, with the Dawgs prevailing 6-3 in a very fast skate. Game time is set for 8:40 PM.

In other Dawgs news:
This week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson...wait, I almost forgot. Let's start over, shall we?
This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski took advantage of the nice weather and got himself some sun.


This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski decided to stop playing hockey, and will now begin a career as a pairs skater with Olympic medalist Johnny Weir.


Holding Johnny like a bowling ball

This week Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski went to Wyoming to watch his son Mitchell play hockey. While he was there, he was able to date one of the local hotties.



He even wore a tie-nice touch
Later, after eating his date with a side of mint jelly, Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski went back to the hotel and satisfied his sexual desires in the usual way.


Doesn't have to feed this one

Alexi Richardson Brings Home 2nd Place in 5K Run

It may have taken several generations, but the Richardson family finally have themselves an athlete.

In her first ever 5K road race, seven year old Alexi Richardson grabbed second place in her age group last Saturday at the Cougar Classic in Evergreen, Colorado. She ran a very tough course (3.2 miles for those of you that are metrically challenged), which was completely uphill, in the terrific time of 40 minutes. And she did it without stopping at all.

Proudly wearing her Colorado Ice soccer uniform, young Alexi had to overcome several obstacles that may have added extra minutes to her time. The first one was her choice of running partner, which was her dad and Dawg Nation founder Marty Richardson. Secondly, the narrow course was so crowded with slower runners, that Team Richardson had to carve a different path around the group to get some room to run.

And then, inspired by a song in her head and the cheering of the fans along the course, Alexi pulled away from her weaker partner and sprinted across the finish line to nail down the red ribbon.

Please join Dawg Nation and everyone from all over the world that look in on the SFG blogsite to congratulate this outstanding achievement!