Ahoy, Perverts!

Over the past three and a half years, I've gotten almost 420,000 hits on my silly blogsite. I don't mind telling you I am absolutely shocked by the number of people that have stopped by, and for some reason keep coming back. I hope that maybe I provide a laugh or two, and just maybe some of the other old farts that play hockey, or have eccentric kids like I do, can relate to some of the shit that I write.

I've also discovered that there is an entirely different element that frequents my site. That would be the degenerates and perverts. How do I know this, you ask? Well, if you take a look to the right of my articles, you'll see a feature called the "live traffic feed". It shows where my hits are coming from, and I'm very proud to say that I have readers from all around the world.

At the bottom of that box, there is another line that says "real time view". Click on that, and it will tell you not only where the hit originates, but also the phrase that they Googled in order to find me. That's where the perversion comes in.

Just this week, here is a sampling of the things that people all over planet Earth have Googled and ended up here:

Kristen Cavalleri's ass (get that one a lot)
Gay bulge
Ruptured testicle
Boner in shorts
Boner in short shorts
Boner in sweatpants
Middle school underwear
Conjoined twins sex
Jerking off
Jacking off
Teen sleepover
Dawgs vs Cocks
Dr. Jellyfinger
Midget hooker
Taint
Vagina Trophy
Big pussy
and my personal favorite:
How to make a dickhole bigger

Now, to be fair, I understand why some of these phrases lead to yours truly. During the hockey season, I normally write a fake game story about my beer league team's previous contest, and photoshop my teammates' heads on some of the nastiest pictures I can find, just to get a cheap laugh. And believe me, I go into some pretty dark places to find a lot of my photos.

Here are just a few examples:






That's just a sampling of the hundreds of pictures I've doctored over the past three years. Wait, that's not completely true. I have a partner in crime- my beautiful wife Annie, who does all my Photoshop work. I send her the idea, along with the pictures I want her to fuck with, and she sends them back to me minutes later. She knows she does a good job when she can hear me laugh all the way from a different part of the house. She's really good.

The boys seem to get a yuck out of it, especially my most frequent victim, the captain of the team and my best friend, Marty. He's in two of the three pictures above, which is about the usual percentage. Everyone on the team is a good sport, but Marty is a great sport.

I also tend to get a little creative with my phrasing when I write my game stories. If a player on another team is acting like a jerk, I'll use terms like "dickhole", or "cockmunch", or something very mature like that. So when a Google user plugs in "dickhole", many times they'll end up in my place.

I'm not exactly sure how Google works, but for some reason my blogsite comes up near the top when some of those phrases are entered. I stopped trying to figure out Google, and for that matter everything about the internet long ago.

Here's the part I laugh about: I imagine some naked fat guy in Bangladesh or New Zealand that's scanning the internet for whack-off material, and Googles a phrase like "Big pussy". He connects to my site, and finds this:



Or he'll put in "midget hooker", and get this:



Or he'll fire up "conjoined twins sex", squirt some Lubriderm in his hand in anticipation, and come up with this:



And I always crack up when I think of some poor bastard with his dick in his hand, when he Googles up "vagina trophy". He thinks he's going to see some erotic art, and he spots this instead:



I made up the Vagina Trophy a few years ago as a spoof on the Vezina Trophy that the best goalie wins in the NHL. I have to believe this isn't what a guy (or girl) has in mind when they plug that phrase in for a search. I wonder how many times, and in how many languages, has the question "What the fuck is this?" been uttered before they quickly click out of my blogsite.

But it still counts as a hit, so there.

I'd like to think that maybe some of these sick sons of bitches stick around to read an article or two, and maybe get a little chuckle before they venture back to SpankWorld. Probably not, but no matter what your motive is, you're always welcome to stop by. We don't have any room to judge around here- that's for sure.