I Don't Have a Teboner, Just a Quarter-Chub

For both of you guys out there that read this shit, you might have noticed that I've never written anything about the game of football. And there's a good reason for that. I know it's probably un-American, but I don't particularly care for the game.

In fact, around my house, we use the word "football" to describe what the rest of you cretins call soccer. I have three players in my house, and I played for 25 years myself, so we love the "beautiful game". We spend all of our Saturdays and part of Sunday watching English Premier League football, which is the arguably the best league in the world. Then, when it's on, we'll watch Champions League matches, featuring the best teams in Europe. It's just brilliant. The kids and I even participate in a fantasy soccer league. No shit, they have those.

And we don't watch the MLS here at home. After seeing the best football in the world, I just can't make myself watch the MLS. It's a much lower level and it blows ass. Sorry, Colorado Rapids, but it's true. It's just fuckin' unwatchable.

Anyway, I'm not going to waste our time trying to convince you to love soccer like I do. Most of you out there probably hate it, because you think it's boring, and they don't score enough goals. Fair enough. But next June, please take a look at the European Championships on ESPN. You'll see what the game is all about, and you'll get hooked. Plus, someday soon I'm going to write an article about how passionate soccer fans are, and how they compare to American fans. It's not even close, but that's a discussion for another time.

Now, I haven't always disliked American football. In fact, growing up here in Denver, I lived and died with the Broncos. Even in the 60's and 70's, when they were terrible, my friends and I would gather every Sunday, play football in the morning, and then watch the game in the afternoon. This continued until probably around the year 2000 (not the playing, the watching), and then I gradually stopped watching games regularly. The only thing that made me watch at all was participating in a fantasy league, because I have a big ol' Gamblin' Jones.

But lately, something has kind of made me more interested in the game. I've gotten pretty fascinated at watching the journey of Tim Tebow this year, and I'm starting to get sucked back in a little bit. In fact, for the first time in forever, I actually taped the Denver/Minnesota game last Sunday, and watched it later that afternoon. And enjoyed the shit out of it. I yelled and everything, and I haven't done that in years.

Just a quick note: If I watch football at all, it has to be on DVR. The biggest reason I won't watch the game is because every three minutes. they cut to a fucking commercial. It just makes me crazy. That's reason number 73 why soccer is better. They play 45 straight minutes with no commercials. Let's move on...

There is just something about this kid that makes you want to root for him. I think the thing for me is that if you just look at pure football mechanical ability, he probably shouldn't even be on the goddamn field. But he's one of those guys that just figures out a way to succeed by sheer will, and has the power to make his teammates play better, which is really rare these days.

I think the biggest proof of the last statement is the Broncos defense. It's basically the same group that was playing when they started out 1-4, but since Tebow has come in, they've played out of their minds, and the team is 7-5. They didn't get more talented- they're just playing harder. The whole squad thinks they can win now, and it's been fun to watch the change in the team. And it's only happened for one reason.

The other part that's fascinated me is how polarizing this has become across the country. Every morning, I wake up to three or four guys on ESPN2 screaming at each other about either how good Tim Tebow is, or how much he sucks. They talk about it every day. Why? This is one quarterback on a fairly mediocre football team, and these dickheads are jumping up and down, yelling like crazy.

While I'm working, I listen to a nationally syndicated sports talk show hosted by Jim Rome. And every day, especially lately, it's been mostly about Tebow. Why the crap does everyone care so much about this? What is it about this kid that makes everyone so passionate about their opinions? I truly don't get it.

For me, the reason I'm pulling for him is because I like his character. Character is a big deal for me, and the biggest reason why I hate basketball. Most of those idiots don't have any character, and can't spell the fucking word. Go ahead, basketball lovers, send me some more shitty emails, I don't give a rat's ass. I wish they would have stayed locked out forever. Fuck 'em.

But Tebow at least appears to be a nice kid. He's very polite with the media, and hasn't once taken an opportunity to show his middle finger to all the haters out there, including his boss, John Elway. So many guys would be looking right in the camera, and saying "Five in a row, bitch! Now shut the fuck up!" Not Tebow. Honestly, I'll bet he's thinking that, but he's doing a great job keeping it to himself.

There are a couple of things about him, though, that I could probably do without. He pushes the religion thing pretty hard, and it kind of puts me off a little bit. Don't get me wrong- I think if a person believes, that's terrific. I do myself, but I think it's more of a personal choice, and maybe he shouldn't bring it into every conversation and action on the field. It's probably just me, but I personally think God has more important shit to worry about than a football game.

The other thing is, I do not believe for one instant that Tim Tebow is still a virgin. Holy jumpin' smokes, have you seen his girlfriend?



Come on, now. Imagine you're 24 years old, you've never had any poonannie, and you come within ten feet of that girl's sweater meat. I'm not a doctor, but your balls are going to explode, right? They'd have to bring in a fuckin' haz-mat team to clean up the mess. Sorry Timmy, I'm not buying that one. In the worst case, she's giving you the old Pogo Pumper. I'd bet one of my kids on this.

So there you go. I'm back to watching football, at least the Broncos, for now. If they make the playoffs, I'll watch until they get bounced, and then I'll turn the game back off. I'll watch the Super Bowl because there's a good chance I'll be in some kind of pool, and it's the only time I ever watch commercials.

In the meantime, I'll be pulling for this good, decent kid to succeed. The thing now is, I think we're going to have him here in Denver for awhile. If Elway or Coach Fox tries to get rid of him in the offseason, there's going to be one hell of a revolt from the fans, and whoever would replace him won't ever have a chance.

Just ask Kyle Orton how much fun that is. I think he's working at a Denny's in Kansas City right now.