Dawgs Hang On For 5th Straight

The Dawgs I squad made their way to the top of the EAHL standings last Tuesday night with their fifth consecutive win, a 7-6 squeaker over their good friends, Cobra Kai. The two teams are now tied for first with a 7-2 record, with both Cobra Kai losses coming at the hands of the Dawgs.

Young Josh Adams, who is still earning his degree, so for now is only a recreational butt doctor, continued his torrid scoring pace, netting four big goals. That gives him 11 in his last four games, and a total of 16 for the season.

Tyson Dale, who unselfishly dropped back to defense because of the absence of Tito Pijanowski, who is courageously battling an STD, still found a way to score twice, including a very unusual goal in the third period which proved to be the game winner. And rookie sensation Matt Chamberlain, playing in just his third game in a Dawgs uniform, got the other tally as the good guys held off a furious Cobra Kai rally for the victory.

Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, for the second consecutive week, was a shot stopping sonofabitch for two periods, and then tried to throw away the game in the last frame, surrendering four goals. But his teammates had just enough of a lead, so that even Sterner couldn't fuck the thing up.

Dale opened the scoring in the first, and then Adams quickly followed with two more, and the Dawgs were surprisingly up 3-0 at the end of the period. The reasons for the surprise were that Cobra Kai is the highest scoring team in the league, the Dawgs had only nine players when the game began, including only two regular defensemen, and standout player Dan Pham was in Chicago watching his younger and much more talented brother Tyler play in an important hockey tournament.


Young Pham

But Dale, along with middle brother Brandon Pham playing his first Dawgs game on defense, plus regulars Rick Zimmat and Mike Abdella, did a terrific job holding off the high scoring Cobra Kai attack.

The Dawgs built the lead up to 5-0 by the halfway mark of the second period, when Chamberlain scored a pretty goal, and Adams banged in his third. But towards the end of the middle session, Cobra Kai found their touch, and put two behind Sterner to make it 5-2. Against Cobra Kai, who can score in bunches, that was not a safe lead at all.

Adams stuffed in his fourth early in the final stanza to make it again a four goal margin, and things were looking a little better. It was discovered after the game that Adams had some inspiration in the audience- more on that later.

Then, around five minutes into the third, the Dawgs were killing a penalty, when Tyson Dale cleared the puck from his goal line all the way down the ice. The puck was rolling on its side, and Cobra Kai keeper Jeff Yerks came out of his net to play it to a teammate. Just as it got to Yerks, the puck took a quick left turn, rolled past Yerks' stick, and somehow made its way into the Cobra Kai goal.

The freakish, 200 foot goal made it 7-2, and game over, right? Not so fast...

Cobra Kai scored after a goalmouth scramble with around seven minutes left, and then Tom DiNardo rifled a shot that beat Sterner to his glove side to make matters 7-4. DiNardo got another from close range with about four minutes left, and then Greg Garmen fired a low shot through a screen that Sterner got a piece of, but only enough to deflect it into the upper corner of his own net. 7-2 turned to 7-6 in a big old hurry, and there were still two minutes left.

Sterner was officially leaking oil, and starting to show some subtle signs of pressure.

You couldn't get a piece of spaghetti up there

But Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis made his game contribution by letting himself get smashed into the boards by Cobra Kai's Even Sanft, and the ensuing power play pretty much killed the rest of the time. Cobra Kai never got another serious shot, which was a good thing, because Sterner had both hands occupied, clutching his own throat.

It doesn't get much easier this week, when the Dawgs face off against the Nooks at 9:30. The teams split their first two meetings this season, with the Dawgs coming out on top last time, winning a shootout.

In other Dawgs news:

Because of goalie Al Sterner's recent third period struggles, this week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed a young closer that will play the final 15 minutes.

He's a little taller than Sterner, too...

Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis missed last week's game, and this week the reason was discovered. Because of a recent dry spell, last Tuesday he was forced to slip a ruffie to an unexpecting girl, then take her home and make sweet, cadaver love to her for the customary 14 seconds.


You'd be more successful without the puberty beard, son...

Dawgs alumnus Mitchell Pijanowski scored a hat trick last week for his new junior team, the Yellowstone Quake. The team celebrated by having their way with the best looking woman in Cody, Wyoming.


Bummer for little Pij, far right. He drew number six...

Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio got drunk with his friend Jeff this week, and one thing led to another.


"Brad, can I at least get a good night kiss?" (Goddamn, I love Facebook...)

Last Tuesday night hundreds of dollars changed hands in the parking lot after the game, when young Dawgs star Josh Adams brought a very pretty girl named Sara to watch him score four goals. Most of his teammates had wagered that Adams' mind, heart and body belonged to another:


"You my bitch, Josh..."

Dakota Ridge Wins!

In the last couple of weeks, a whole bunch of my fellow degenerates out there took the American Family Insurance safe driving pledge to help Dakota Ridge High School in their quest to win enough money for a new crosswalk. And I'm happy to report that when all the counting was done Wednesday night, the Mighty Eagles finished on top, and will get their much needed crosswalk.

They actually fell out of the lead as late as Wednesday afternoon, but fueled by a late surge, including some frantic activity from my Dawg Nation brothers and sisters, they jumped back to the top and won going away by around 700 pledges. This is a terrific win for Dakota Ridge principal and Dawgs hockey player Jim Jelinek, and proves how much can be accomplished by a small group of dedicated people.


Here's Jelly- he never looks this good. Must be an old photo.

I could tell by the traffic feed on the right side of my blog that a lot of you fine people linked over and filled out the form. Well kids, it might be this year, or it might be 10 years from now, but you helped save a life by taking a minute to do that, and I can't express to you how much I appreciate it.

Take a bow, Dakota Ridge Eagles, Dawg Nation, and both of my regular readers. You did a good thing.

Take The Pledge and Help Save Lives!

I'm wondering if I can ask a favor from you thousands of people from all over the USA and the world that for some reason frequent my silly website.

A short time ago a high school kid in our area was severely injured because there was no crosswalk at a very dangerous intersection near the school. The principal of that school, Dakota Ridge in Littleton, Colorado, happens to be a proud member of Dawg Nation, and he needs our help.

There is currently a contest going on with American Family Insurance, where if you fill out a quick form online, the high school with the most hits will win $15,000 to use as they wish. WalMart has also pledged an additional $15K, so they would have enough to build that much needed crosswalk.

Like most school systems in the country, budget cuts are kicking our ass right now, so this is the only way that the crosswalk can get built.

Here's the happy part: It doesn't cost you a penny and nobody will bug you if you don't want them to. It takes about a minute to fill out the form, and you're all done. Here's the link:

http://www.teensafedriverpledge.com/

It's really easy- just make sure you click on Dakota Ridge High School when you come to that option. That way they will be credited with the hit.

Kids, they are ahead right now, but we really need a good finish to make sure they get the bucks. Is one minute of your time worth it if it even saves one kid from getting hurt?

You bet your ass it is.

So go do it right now, then come back, and I'll tell you some more dirty jokes. I don't ask much from you guys, but this is a biggie, okay?

Thanks, boys and girls- you're chubby little pal appreciates it.

Old Dawgs Put Down, 3-1

In the first game of the SDOHL season, the Old Dawgs played the Llamas, and found it fairly easy to score goals. They took a total of 22 shots, and lit the lamp eight times in an eventual 8-4 romp.

Well, things weren't quite as easy the second time around.

Last Tuesday night, despite getting a higher number of shots, the boys were only able to find the Llamas net once, and skated away on the wrong end 3-1 deficit. The loss moved the Old Dawgs down to a tie for second place in the very heavily congested SDOHL standings.

The difference Tuesday night was substitute goalkeeper Tim Kmetz, who at age 36 could be the son of many of the Old Dawgs players. Coming from the highly competitive Tuesday night Edge Adult Hockey League, Kmetz was solid in the Llamas net, turning away everything except a first period breakaway from Old Dawgs French import Bernie Levesque.

On the other end of the ice, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner surrendered two first period goals, and that turned out to be enough to send the good guys to their third defeat in the last four games. But because of the parity of the new SDOHL, a 3-3 record with a shootout loss is good enough to be only one point out of first place.

Things looked good early for the Old Dawgs, as they got off to their customary lead. In fact, the Dawgs have scored the first goal in every game this season. The contest wasn't two minutes old before Levesque received an outlet pass from Dawgs captain and former fudge excavator Marty Richardson, skated in alone, and tucked the puck past Kmetz to open the scoring. Nobody knew it at the time, but that would be the last time they would penetrate the Llamas goal for the evening.

The Llamas answered a couple of minutes later, when Mike Lapp received a pass in front of the Dawgs net, and found the Eisenhower Tunnel that is Sterner's five-hole to level the score.


It's about this big

Then around 10 minutes into the first frame, the Llamas caught the Dawgs changing players with the puck in their own zone, and made them pay with the eventual winning goal. Tom Ouellete slid the puck over to a wide open Steve Kerr, who was camped out in front of Sterner's net. Sterner slid over in his patented Gump Worsley two-pad stack, but Kerr, with all the time in the world, calmly moved the puck to his right, and shot it past the Old Dawgs keeper, who was flopping on the ice like a chubby mackerel.


Sterner, left

And amazingly, that would be it for the scoring, until Ouelette deposited the puck into an empty Dawgs goal with less than a minute remaining, after Sterner had been pulled for an extra attacker. But the low scoring wasn't for lack of shots- the Llamas put 30 on Sterner's goal during the game, while the Old Dawgs fired 27 at Kmetz.

It was just one of thise nights where the puck wasn't going in for the Dawgs, and there really wasn't anyone to blame. Well, perhaps one could blame SDOHL leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who failed to find the net for the first time this season.


Pijanowski

The Dawgs will try to get back to winning ways tonight, when they play Touchstone Imaging, featuring former Dawg Ben Ziff and his mesmerizing Jew-Fro. Game time is set for 9:55, but will probably go off at around 12:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks got a new job this week. All of Dawg Nation wishes him well in his new endeavor.


Wilksie

Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque was forced to leave the game last week, after mildly straining his groin. Levesque wanted to go on, but being French, his groin surrendered.


"Deutschland! Deutschland!"

Because of his performance in last week's game, defenseman Tito Pijanowski signed a promotional contract to represent an appropriate company.


"Tito no make score..."

Before the game last Tuesday night, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson saw teammate Eddie Cribbs without any clothes, and it couldn't help but have an adverse effect on the rest of his game:


"I'll never eat Vienna sausages again..."

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's prayers were answered this week, when he took a break to enjoy a midday snack.


"It satisfies two appetites at once! It's a miracle! There is a God!"

Old Dawgs Back On Track With 7-1 Win

Well, that's a little more like it.

After dropping their last two games, the first by one goal after skating most of the game with seven players, and the second in a ten round shootout, the Old Dawgs got back to their good form last Tuesday night, slapping around first place B&K Supply, 7-1.

The convincing victory puts the Old Dawgs back up to the top of the table with 10 points, where they share first place with the Coyotes. B&K slips back to third with nine, and the Llamas hold fourth with seven in a very tight SDOHL.

Polish wonder and former sex kitten Tito Pijanowski continued his torrid pace to the winter season, when he picked up a huge six point night. His two goals and four assists are an SDOHL record. The league is only five weeks old, but still...


Pijanowski, with perfectly coordinated socks. If you're a Polack...

Eddie Cribbs and Bernie Levesque also scored two goals each for the good guys, and defenseman Chris Courtiol celebrated his return from league mandated anger management classes to add a goal and an assist.

And for the first time this season, goalie Al Sterner played like he had actually worn ice skates before, turning aside 17 of 18 shots. He might have even picked up a shutout, except...well, more on that later.

The first period began like most of the Old Dawgs games this season- they scored the first two goals. Courtiol got one just past the two minute mark off an assist from Eric Wilks, and then Cribbs got his first of the night from John Theilen and Pijanowski at 17:15.

But as had become the pattern in the past couple of games, the Old Dawgs slowed down the pace in the second period, and their lead was cut in half around 10 minutes in when B&K's John Hax beat Sterner on a breakaway.

Sterner got a little unlucky on the goal, because he stayed with Hax's deke and got his right pad on the shot. But the puck bounced off the top of the pad, and floated into the goal. This piece of bad fortune of course was inevitable, because a certain Old Dawgs player mentioned the dreaded "S word" (shutout) to Sterner at the end of the first period, breaking a well known hockey rule.

Who was that offending player? Why, it was French bastard Bernie Levesque.


Levesque

So the Old Dawgs were still up by one heading to the third, but needed some more goals to avoid their third straight week of coming from ahead to lose. They needed a spark. But where would it come from?

Would it be this guy?


Dave Chamberlain? What, are you fuckin' kidding me?

Oh, dear God no. It was the "Goalie's Kiss of Death", monsieur Bernie Levesque.

Levesque more than made up for his "shutout" gaffe, when just a minute into the final stanza, he gathered the puck in the neutral zone, made a great move, and broke in alone on B&K goalie Dave Maney. He deked to his backhand, and easily tucked it in behind Maney to double the Old Dawgs lead.

Then just three minutes later, he received a great pass from Wilks, and broke again into the B&K zone at full speed. Skating as though he was being chased by the Third Reich, he made the same move on Maney, and got the same result. That made it 4-1, and pretty much game over.

Tito Pijanowski found a burst of energy a minute later, and scored on one of his patented end-to-end surges to increase to Old Dawgs lead to four, and then three minutes later, did the same thing to make it 6-1. Watching him carry the puck with such grace and finesse, it reminded some observers of former Boston Bruin great Bobby Orr. Of course, that would be if Orr was uglier, less intelligent, sported a porn mustache, was really Polish, and in a coma.



Holy shit, they shouldn't even be in the same picture

The Old Dawgs got their only real scare about midway through the third, when B&K took a shot that Sterner saved, but then had two good chances to score on the rebound, as the puck sat right on the goal line. But a Dawgs defenseman that would prefer not to be identified, mainly because he's a school principal and it's not very good for the career to be on a blogsite that features dick jokes, twice cleared the puck off the line with his hand, saving Sterner from any further damage. Let's just call said defenseman "Jelly".


Jelly, incognito

Eddie Cribbs closed the scoring (there's something you usually don't see in a sentence) five minutes before the end, when he one-timed a great pass from Pijanowski past Maney, and into the top of the net. For Cribbs, it was his third goal of the season, beating his previous record by, well...three.

The Old Dawgs, having now played everyone in the league, take on the Llamas for the second time this Tuesday night at 8:35.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Dawgs forward John Theilen continues to show no signs of the hepatitis that he battled for the past year.


Well, maybe a little sign...

Because of his strong performance last Tuesday night, after the game Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol scored his first hockey groupie.


I hear she gives good beak...

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to be out of last week's game because he had an important meeting with his encounter group, Sex Without Partners. He was not missed, except possibly for his talents in the locker room after the contest.


He can stay like that for hours...

Old Dawgs Fall- And They Can't Get Up

Things tend to change when guys get older. Waistlines get a little thicker, hairlines get a little thinner, and when our wives ask us if we want to have "super sex", we think about it for a moment, and then say "I think I'll have the soup".

Oh, and one other thing: eight old guys have trouble playing an entire hockey game without having a bran muffin and a nap.

But that's what the Old Dawgs were faced with last Thursday night. Because of various reasons, the usual 14 skaters were pared down to eight brave warriors, and then eventually seven. They hung tough for over two and a half periods, before finally running out of gas and losing to Team Yellow, 4-2.

It was the Old Dawgs first loss of the new season, and left them in second place with a 2-1 record. Tito Pijanowski notched his fifth goal of the winter campaign, while Dawgs captain and former anal buccaneer Marty Richardson knocked in his second.

Goalie Al Sterner, who should have been the freshest player on the ice, couldn't hold off a late charge by Team Yellow, and surrendered two goals with under three minutes left to absorb the loss.


Sterner

Things looked good at the start of the contest for the Old Dawgs, when Tito Pijanowski picked up a rebound from a shot on Sterner, and headed for the other end of the ice, employing his patented "Polish Snowplow". He cut to the net, and beat Team Yellow keeper Vince Sciandra to make it 1-0 after less than a minute had elapsed.

Team Yellow tied the game four minutes later when Paul Truex scored on a low shot that eluded Sterner, and it was all square going to the second. But Marty Richardson tallied on a power play less than two minutes into the middle frame, and the Dawgs lead was restored at 2-1.

It stayed that way until around three minutes remained in the second, and then things got a little nasty in the old man league. Team Yellow's Truex took Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol into the boards, and was called for a two minute penalty. Courtiol approached Truex, and the resulting verbal altercation netted Courtiol a two minute, ten minute, and finally a game misconduct penalty. Courtiol was invited to take his toys and go home, and the Old Dawgs were left with seven players to play the final period. Courtiol was still unhappy in the parking lot as he left the arena.


"Fuck you and Mr. Hooper!"

The Old Dawgs tried as hard as they could, but finally wore down with three minutes left. Team Yellow's Jon Guelzow wristed a shot that deflected off of a Dawgs player and into the net to level the score, and then Brent Black stuffed in a rebound from in close to give his team the lead with under two minutes left. Truex scored an empty netter in the final minute for the final margin.

After the game, several Old Dawgs players looked like the game might have taken its toll.



Forward John Theilen was so tired, he said he missed the "good old days" when he had Hepatitis C.

Eddie Cribbs was exhausted, having used up more energy than the last time he made love to a woman. Which was September 19, 1978.


"Do a little dance...make a little love..."

The Old Dawgs now get a chance for redemption, when they play the Coyotes. In a special promotion, tonight is Chris Courtiol Bobblehead Night, where the first 1000 fans will receive the limited souvenir. It comes with a special feature, where you push a button on the back of his helmet, and he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Old Dawgs forward and noted stinky French guy Bernie Levesque missed the game last week in order to play a rousing game of softball. The only problem he has is that every time the other team picks up a bat, Levesque goes back to his roots and surrenders.


"Zut alors!"

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner turns 52 this weekend, and will celebrate by going on an intimate date with his one and only true love.


Doesn't need to cuddle afterward

It might be time for Old Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski to think about dating again.


"Tito need poon-tang!"

Old Dawgs Debut With Two Wins

Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die-they just fade away".

Sixty years later, there is a new saying: "Old hockey players never die- they just play in the Over 40 League. "

This winter, the new Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League (or SDOHL- doesn't that just roll off the tongue) needed a sixth team to complete their membership. The league is being run by John Ling, who looks like Harry Potter's gay grandfather.



Dawgs captain and former East Colfax testicle drainer Marty Richardson gauged interest in both of the teams that represent Dawg Nation. Not surprisingly, there were plenty of players that jumped at the opportunity to get the fuck away from their wives for another night of the week, and in two cases, it was a chance to take a break from whacking off together while watching gladiator movies.


"Oh, Russell Crowe, you're so shiny!"

So now 15 players, with a combined age of approximately 1126, play on the newest representative of Dawg Nation. They are called the "Old Dawgs".

Possible new team logo

And it has gone very well in the first two games of the season. They opened with a convincing 8-4 victory against the Llamas, and last Tuesday night, they came away with a nice 5-2 win over Touchstone, which is led by former Dawgs player Ben Ziff and his magic Jew-Fro.


Ziff

The Dawgs are led so far by "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who has racked up four goals and four assists in the two games. Never a "stay at home" defenseman to begin with, he now roams the entire ice surface at Foothills Arena like a free range chicken, employing his patented one armed stickhandling technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".


"Tito do good...Tito make score"

Also off to a good start is Dave Chamberlain, who has a goal and three assists despite missing the second game. Right behind him is Bernie Levesque, who has lit the lamp three times, and continues to play despite ongoing pleas from his teammates to stop being French.

Captain Richardson has chipped in nicely with a sweet goal against Touchstone, and added two assists. But Richardson's most memorable contribution this season actually came before the game started last Tuesday night.

As he was skating out for the opening faceoff, Richardson pivoted, tripped over the center red line, and slid into the back of the referee's legs. The ref went down hard on the ice, and quickly assessed Richardson a two minute penalty for being a dipshit.

Richardson

And longtime Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who turns 52 in a week, is now officially playing hole number 18 of his career (dogleg, with water down the right side). He hasn't exactly been stellar to start the season, but his team has scored enough goals to hold him up while he solves his immediate problem.

Sterner

But probably the best story of the new season has been the return of forward John Theilen. Theilen has been battling Hepatitus C, which he reportedly contracted from a Vietnamese hooker during the Tet Offensive of 1969. He has completed a series of treatments that weaken the body, and has bounced back, returning to the game he loves, even scoring a goal in his second game. All of Dawg Nation congratulates Theilen, and continues to root for a complete recovery.

Theilen

The Old Dawgs strap on the skates once again tonight, when they face Team Yellow at 7:15. The game starts early enough so that the team can get home in time to catch a rousing episode of Matlock before they go to sleep.

Yeah-Matlock!

In other Old Dawgs news:

This season the Old Dawgs welcome a new to player to The Nation, defenseman Chris Courtiol. He is already well liked despite having three strikes against him: he's way too tall, of French descent, and the brother-in-law of Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque. That's very difficult to overcome.

Courtiol

This week Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque bought a kitten, but not until he confirmed that it was also French.


Yep, it's French all right...

Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs scored a goal last week against the Llamas. It was the first time this century that Cribbs has scored...at anything.


Cribbs