So last Monday night, we had our last big family event before the holiday season. That would be the Miss Universe pageant. For all three of you guys that read this shit regularly (up from two- I’ve developed quite the following), you know that pageants and spelling bees are our family thing. Just scroll down a couple of stories, and you’ll see my story about Miss USA.
As usual, I’m keeping a running diary of the evening, because it might be the most fun we have all year. If you’ve read any of the other pageant articles, you know exactly what I mean. So because the story always runs long, and there’s only so much time you can spend on the shitter before you have to get back to work, I’ll get right to it.
8:00- Welcome to the Sterner basement cave, and the 2011 Miss Universe Pageant! Let me quickly introduce the cast of misfits who will be watching and providing insightful commentary as the event unfolds. By “insightful commentary”, I really mean cracking the contestants on their heritage and appearance.
There will be my gorgeous wife Annie, who has recently given up trying to keep the dirty comments to a minimum. She’d have a better chance trying to get me to be taller. We’re once again joined by my sons Mike (16), Sam (15), and Ben (11). And of course I’ll be the chunky little guy in the easy chair scribbling notes and coughing up my liver from laughing so hard.
Tonight, the pageant is being staged in Sao Paolo, Brazil- which is one of many places I’m never going to go. There are 89 contestants, and they get right to the part where the girls introduce themselves. I won’t do all 89, but here are some of the highlights:
Botswana- Mike starts right away: “Hello, I am from Botswana, where our national sport is AIDS!”.
Sam: “Botswana- where we always keep it HIV positive!”.
Goddamn it, we’re less than a minute in, and I’m pausing the DVR already to cry like a pussy. Wasn’t expecting the AIDS jokes right away. The boys see that they bust me up, and now I know the AIDS jokes are coming in bunches.
Canada- Sam sums up Canada’s chances with one word: “Oink”.
Cypress- The first contestant we think might be a dude. We’re not real big on her chances, either.
Egypt- Has hair that looks like Annette Funicello in “Beach Blanket Bingo”. And if you get that reference, you are very fuckin’ old. Find somewhere to lay down.
El Salvador- Whoa, this is a big girl. Mike makes his voice like a football announcer: “Starting at middle linebacker, at 6’3” and weighing 255 pounds, it’s El Salvador!” Small DVR pause, please…
France- For you regular readers, you know how much I hate the fuckin’ French. I want to smack her, but she’s just knockout gorgeous. I can’t bring myself to say anything, but I have some help from the boys:
Ben: “I’m 22 years old, and I smoke on the toilet!”
Mike: “France-where everyone is an asshole!” I’ve trained them very well.
Haiti- May be the only person in the country that’s overweight. Mike says, “I wonder if she caused that earthquake?”
Right in the middle of the parade of countries, Mike stands up and says, “Dad, pause the DVR. I have to take a crap!” So he disappears up the stairs, and two minutes later, we all hear, “Aw…goddammit!” Which of course is the universal phrase that means there is no toilet paper on the roll. Someone has to go upstairs and provide relief. We all yell “not it!” at the same time, and I point a chubby finger at Ben, because he’s the youngest, and that’s just life in the big city.
He reluctantly grabs a new roll out of the closet, and tells Mike to open the door. Downstairs, we hear it open, and Ben yells “Oh, come on!”, which is the universal phrase when you smell that special brand of mustard gas wafting out of the old stink lodge. Sucks to be the youngest…
Israel- Mike sings the music right before they say “charge” at a football game. But instead of charge, both he and Sam yell “Jew!!” That one got me- time to pause the DVR for a moment.
Mexico- We’ve been a little angry since Mexico beat the USA in the soccer Gold Cup, so we all boo at the same time when she comes out. Sam says “My hobbies are swimming, climbing fences, and sweeping!” He might be holding a little more of a grudge than the rest of us.
Nigeria- Mike: “Knock knock”.
Me: “Who’s there?”
Mike: “I have AIDS! Nigeria!”
Five minutes haven’t elapsed yet, and I’m rolling around in my fucking chair. Only an hour and 55 minutes to go.
Russia- Not bad looking, but she borrowed Reese Witherspoon’s chin for the evening. You could carve a turkey with that thing.
South Africa- Sam jumps in first this time. “I’m from South Africa! Give me an H! Give me an I!, Give me a V!”
Trinidad and Tobago- Best looking girl in the whole bunch. Mike stops the AIDS jokes long enough to say, “Holy shit!”
St. Lucia- Mike: “I don’t know where that is, but…AIDS!” Ah, there…he’s back.
Turks and Caicos- Sam says, “Now they’re just making countries up. Bullshit.”
8:10- Here are our hosts for the evening- Andy Cohen again from Bravo (once again the boys yell “Goo!”, which if you remember, is a gay Jew), and Natalie Morales from the Today Show, who just got out of prison for attempting to murder Bret Michaels after last year’s Miss USA pageant. He sucked very, very much.
They’re going to cut down from 89 to 16 right away, so we all have to pick who we think is going to win. Mike picked Miss California out of the 51 girls to win Miss USA in April, so it’s possible. Mike quickly grabs Trinidad and Tobago, Sam takes Spain, Ben nabs Ireland, Annie picks Venezuela, and God help me, I select Miss France. I feel dirty, but she is
tres bien.
And first girl moving on is… my little Frenchy! This is my year-I can feel it.
They call China, and both Mike and Sam yell “Bong!!!” at the same time. She looks freakishly tall, and then the stat comes up that she’s a six footer. I think we found Yao Ming’s bride.
Angola gets picked- in fact she’s the only African in the bunch. This will severely limit, but never eliminate, the AIDS jokes.
Australia- Mike yells in a great Aussie accent “Crikey! I’m so bloody happy I could suck a wallaby!” That one just killed me. Suck a wallaby? Only my kid thinks of that…
Puerto Rico- Gentlemen, please start your Puerto Rican jokes!
Brazil- Of course the home town girl got picked. Sam says “Brazil! Where we wax our taint!” Goddammit-pause the DVR…
The rest get selected, including Miss USA, but I’m recovering from the wallaby and taint jokes, so I don’t give a shit right now. After all 16 are done, the only family picks remaining are my French girl, and Annie’s selection from Venezuela. I can’t believe Trinidad didn’t make it- holy shit, look at her:
8:30- They come back from commercial, and just briefly show the top 10 country costume winners. That really pisses us off, because there is massive comedy in some of the outfits.
When they flash Japan, Mike yells “Bonzai!”, and Sam chips in with “Godzirra!” And yes, he did indeed substitute r’s for l’s in Godzilla. Nice touch.
And then they move to Nigeria, who’s wearing a very strange looking, all red outfit. I say, “What the hell is that?” Mike jumps right in with, “It looks like Lady Gaga’s dilly-do.” Yep, he said dilly-do, not dildo. Just tore me completely up.
8:20- Okay kids, it’s everybody’s favorite time, the swimsuit competition! In the background singing while the girls do their thing will be Brazilian sensation Bebel Gilberto, whom I’ve never heard of but looks like a $17 hooker. Plus her nose goes about four different directions. Not good.
Here comes France, and she is exceptionally hot. If I were a younger man, I’d be getting a soufflé in my pants right now. But that ship sailed long ago.
Columbia is the first girl with the old hungry butt- her tiny bikini bottoms are riding way, way up. The boys say she’s used to having stuff up her ass when she smuggles coke into the U.S. You know, because she’s from Columbia. Try to stay with us here…
Here’s Miss Venezuela, and Annie made a terrific choice. To quote the late, great Leslie Nielson- she has an ass that you want to suck on all day. And she knows how to swing that shit. Holy cow.
Okay, it’s U.S.A’s turn, and as she walks by the camera, they get way too close to her crotch. So close, in fact, that you can see the “short and curlies” sticking out from under her suit. We reverse the DVR just to make sure we saw what we thought we saw. Yep, there they are.
Sam does the “Oh…yeah!” song from Ferris Bueller. And Mike says, “Holy shit! I just saw her Hairy Houdini!” Again, I spend the next several minutes weeping like a little girl.
And just when I’m coherent enough to continue, up steps Miss Puerto Rico. She does her strut, and then a little twirl at the end. She’s not bad looking but I don’t think much of it.
All of a sudden Annie yells, “Go back! Go back!” I ask why, and she says, “I think you can see her business!”
Me- “What the hell is her business?”
Annie- “Her cooter!”
Me- “Bullshit!”
Annie- “GO BACK!”
So I reverse the DVR again, and we all gather around the TV, and start looking at this thing like the Zapruder Tapes. While we're scrutinizing the video, I find myself wondering why Annie was looking at Miss Puerto Rico's honeypot, but that's a conversation for another time.
I finally stop it at just the right spot, and sure as shit, there’s Miss Puerto Rico’s gooch. And I know what you're thinking. "Bullshit- you're just writing this to make the story better". Kids, it was only for a split second, and I can't believe Annie picked it up, but you tell me:
And don't try to click on the arrow, perverts. It's part of the picture I clipped online
Sam: “Oh, my dear Lord!” That’s his favorite saying right now, and I can do a dead on impression of it.
Mike: “There they are- the Puerto Rican folds of baloney!”
And then my eleven year old boy Ben, who is so smart, sweet and gentle that I actually wonder sometimes whether he really is my son, opens his little mouth and yells…
“CLAM!”
8:35- This happens every pageant. One of the kids, usually Mike, will say something so shocking that it will literally cripple me for a few minutes until I can regroup from laughing so hard. Sort of like I’ve been tasered, I guess. Everyone goes for a piss, or a snack, and then I’m ready to start again. But when the word “clam” came out of the innocence that is my youngest son, I had an episode. That took some time to rally from that one.
I guess the rest of the girls did the swimsuit thing, and I’m almost sure they all kept their vertical smile inside their shorts, but I could give a fat rat’s ass right now. I could never see another pageant, and I’d die a happy man.
8:55- Okay, they're cutting down from 16 to 10. My girl from France stays alive, and the only real surprise is that Venezuela and her wonder-ass aren’t with us any longer. So I’m the only one who has a shot of picking the winner from the original 89.
Both Miss USA and Puerto Rico are history, and we’re all assuming it’s because the judges saw their “love ditch”, just as we did a few minutes ago. They might want to consider a larger swimsuit next time.
I think France still has a great shot to win, along with Australia, whom Mike adopted after Spain was eliminated, and China. She’s beautiful, but it’s really weird seeing an Asian girl that’s so damn tall.
9:10- After an endless promo for Sao Paolo (we’re still never going there), they trot out the top 10 for the evening gown competition. The boys and I still don’t like this part- it’s dull as shit. There is a different Brazilian singer for this stage, and she looks as hagged out as the first one. It really makes us miss last year, when Trace Atkins worked the pageant. That was fun.
The first contestant to come out is Miss Australia, and the light hits her from behind the stage just long enough for us to notice that her gown is see-through, and there is a terrific silhouette of her body. Mike brings the Aussie accent out once again: “Oh, no! Look…I got me a bonah!” I stop the DVR to laugh, and to see that gown for a few more seconds. Boo-yah.
France is next, and she has on a white halter thing, and she looks great. Annie is even impressed, and she usually hates most of the gowns. I’m feeling more and more confident about my pick.
The rest of the ten follow, and there isn’t anything spectacular. I needed the rest from the last round, so this works out great for me.
9:35- They’re ready to cut down to the top five, and I’m feeling great about my chances with France. The first one they call is Ukraine, who’s okay, but looks too Eastern-Euro. Philippines is next, and she’s another that’s okay, but not great.
China is the third finalist, and that’s a good pick. Besides being tall, she is stunning- could be your winner right there. Next is Brazil, and the home crowd goes nuts again. She has that shitty, “yeah, I know I’m hot” look on her face. She needs to fuckin’ lose.
One more pick- has to be France, right? Wrong, bitch. It’s Angola, who’s kind of flown under the radar all night. The boys cheer: “Yeah! AIDS!”
So my girl from France is gone, and I can go back to my standard hatred of everyone from that country. I made it an entire hour and a half, and I don’t mind telling you, it hurt. Mike’s Aussie girl is out, too, so none of us officially give a shit who wins anymore.
9:45- It’s time for the final question, which is always tricky, because of the language barriers.
Ukraine goes first, and is asked if she would change lives with anyone. In Russian, she says she likes her life, but would trade with Cleopatra? Whatever…bye now.
Philippines- She’s asked if she would change her religious beliefs to get married. She says her first love is God, and then asks Andy Cohen if she could love him long time for five buck. Okay, I made that last part up.
China- She steps up, and completely towers over Andy. Holy smokes, that gay little bastard must be around 4’10’. She’s asked if public nudity is okay, like they have in Brazil. In Chinese, she responds that every country has its own rules, and they should be obeyed. Or you might get run over by a fuckin’ tank if you're in her country.
Brazil- She’s asked how she would avoid fighting a war. She says that there would be no wars if everyone respected each other. I immediately dust off my impression from Rocky IV- “I you’s can change, and I can change…maybe we all can change!” Goddamn, I love a good Rocky reference.
Angola- The judge wants to know if she would change anything about herself. Sam says “Well, I guess I’d probably not have the AIDS, and I’d live maybe some place other than Africa”. He had to get one more in before the night was over, and I still think it’s as funny as the first one. And yes, I do realize I’m a complete and utter penis.
9:55- Alright, kids, thanks for hanging in there. Here are the final results:
4th runnerup- China? Bullshit- she should have won the whole shootin’ match. At least now she can go back to playing power forward for the Chicago Bulls.
3rd runnerup- Philippines. Fair enough- it’s about right.
2nd runnerup- Brazil. She just knew she was going to win. Tough shit- now go somewhere, wipe that bitchy look off your face, and wax your fuckin' taint..
So it’s down to Ukraine and Angola, which just baffles everyone in our room. Personally, I still don’t give a flying fuck- I checked out mentally an hour ago after Ben yelled “Clam!”
Drum roll, please…Miss Angola wins! Good for her- she was consistent all night, and didn’t do anything stupid, like showing her vajayjay to millions of people.
So there it is once again, boys and girls. One more pageant, and one more night of memories for my little family. There’s always something new, and something funnier than the last pageant. I think we’re going to try on Miss America for the first time in January, which should be interesting, because the girls have more talent, but aren’t nearly as hot as the Miss Universe contestants.
It’ll be fun- make sure you come back and join us again, okay?
