Tito's Ticker Gets An Overhaul

Tito Pijanowski was having a problem.

The longtime Dawgs stay-away-from-home defenseman was finding himself constantly exhausted for no apparent reason. During games, he was so short of energy that he couldn't find the strength to make his patented end to end runs up the ice, using his one-handed technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".



Because carrying the puck up the ice and never playing defense were his two main goals in life, Pijanowski decided to seek help. He went to the finest doctor that his United Airlines insurance could provide, and underwent a thorough physical examination.



After an extensive session, complete with three rectal exams at Pijanowski's request, it was discovered that he had a faulty valve in his heart. His friends and teammates were shocked to hear this, mostly because they couldn't believe that the sonofabitch actually owned a heart in the first place.

A devastated Pijanowski immediately asked for a second opinion. The doctor quickly replied, "Okay, you also have a shitty mustache. That will be two thousand dollars."



The doctors were at a loss to understand what caused the problem, but thought it might be stress related. Pijanowski then explained that sometimes while playing hockey, when hit with a cheap shot or otherwise being agitated by the opposing team, he did occasionally have a mild physical reaction.


"Tito pissed!!!"

The next step was to decide which procedure would be best to solve his heart problem. Because of much previous success, a valve from a pig was considered. But that idea was quickly scrapped, when doctors could not find one pig in the Rocky Mountain region that was comfortable donating his heart to a fuckin' Polack.


"I mean, if you really think about it, which one of us is higher on the food chain? I'm just saying..."

So finally the doctors decided to repair the existing valve. Unfortunately, the only way to do this would be to perform open heart surgery. A meeting with a heart specialist did not make Pijanowski feel particularly confident.



But on Tuesday morning, October 4th, Pijanowski relented to his doctors, and went ahead with the procedure. At first, the surgeons were shocked to discover that Tito's heart was in worse shape than originally diagnosed:



So after reevaluation, and three quarts of RustOleum, they forged on. It took four hours to complete, but the specialists were able to make all the necessary repairs, plus clean out Pijanowski's main arteries while they were in there. The following is a partial list of what they found in those arteries:









Amazingly, because of Pijanowski's inner strength and toughness (or possibly because his HMO sucks), the man went home after only three days at Lutheran Medical Center. Friday night, he celebrated his new lease on life with his friends, and completely grossed everyone out with his still openly weeping surgical scar.


No shit- three fuckin' days...

He is already planning his next procedure, in which he'll finally do something with that mustache and buy some clothes that don't make him look like Jimmy Buffett's poop. He also has announced that he plans on playing hockey before the end of the winter season, which proves once and for all that Tito Pijanowski is truly one big ol' Polack.

But boys and girls, don't bet against him. After all, he is The King.