Shorthanded Dawgs Win 7-2

Overcrowding was not a problem in the Dawgs I locker room Tuesday night. Playing with just nine skaters, the team still came away with a convincing 7-2 victory over Syndicate.

Keith Unger, recruited to play just 20 minutes before game time, started midway through the first period, yet still managed to be the player of the game with two goals and an assist. John Ripley picked up his sixth and seventh, while Matt McGarvey, Martin Richardson and Brad Stabio each chipped in with a tally.

Aging goaltender Al Sterner was simply magnificent in goal for the Dawgs, stopping over half of the twelve shots that came his way during the game. He raised his save percentage to a season-high .249.

"Al's in the zone, baby", said Sterner, who then spilled his colostomy bag, and had to be driven home yet again.



Sterner

The Dawgs inactive list for the game was enormous, including Shaun Hollis (strained labia), Jack Kelly (past bedtime), Mike Abdella (gay), Jeff Wiemelt (exceptionally gay), Dennis Heaton (prostitute's neck), Mike Pijanowski (hot date), and Eddie Cribbs (healthy scratch-coach's decision).

The nine players that did decide to show up played a dominating game, throwing 40 shots at Syndicate goalie Nick Olsen, and putting the game away with three unanswered goals in the third period.

The shocker of the evening occured when team captain and former rump ranger Martin Richardson put in his first goal since the Carter administration, finally contributing in a way other than administratively for the Dawgs, who improved to 13-4-1 with the win.

After the game, Richardson's stick was sent to the Vatican, where the Pope verified the goal as a miracle.


"Itsa so tiny...."


Later, many bets were paid off amongst Dawgs players, who had a long-running wager as to which would occur first- Richardson scoring a goal, or teammate Eddie Cribbs having sex (with a girl).

Said goalie Sterner, who was still exhausted after the game after enduring all 12 shots, "I always knew I'd win that bet. Eddie couldn't get laid in a women's prison carrying a barrel full of cigarettes".

In other Dawgs news:

While defenseman Shaun Kenney was playing this week, his wife kept his valuables in a safe place.




Winger Brad Stabio announced this week that his wife was expecting their first child. He also announced that the search would now begin to find the baby's father.


Possible candidates


Defenseman Mike Pijanowski missed the game this week, claiming to be "indisposed". He was later photographed at a local nightspot called "Flamers", wearing a very bad hairpiece.



Pijanowski and "friend"

SFG Gets a Vasectomy

(originally written 9/15/07)

Well boys and girls, your little buddy had his “procedure” this morning. You know, the one where you can’t have babies anymore? I’m currently sitting in bed with a bag of peas placed in a very strategic place, and I feel like an idiot. I never thought I'd write that the Green Giant has his head in my crotch. But I’m thanking my personal God he’s there.

How am I feeling? Not that bad, actually. I have the same dull ache in my balls that I feel when Annie yells at me to pick up my pop cans, so I’m kind of used to it. Plus I want to kiss the inventor of Vicodin right on the mouth.

Now that it’s over, I feel like I’d be doing a disservice to our younger dads and male readers if I didn’t tell them exactly what to expect when it comes time for their own operation. Plus if you guys think I would go through this without a running diary, well then you just don’t know me very well, do you?

Here goes nothing:

8:30- Getting ready to go- my appointment’s at 10:00 down by Invesco Field. Believe it or not, I didn’t sleep very well last night. Not sure why; but gun to my head, I’d have to say that it might be the anticipation of having a scalpel down there carving on the old gonads. Just a wild guess.

9:00- Before I go, I’ve been instructed to shave a specific area, and I’ve never, ever done that before. Won’t go into a lot of detail, but for you future V-men out there, let me give you one tiny piece of advice. Using a beard and mustache trimmer is a very, very bad idea. If I had tried that one minute longer, I think I would have been looking for my balls on the bathroom floor.

9:15- Done thinning out the Petrified Forest- pretty much wrecked Annie’s Lady Bic. She'll probably want to burn that. Down there, it now looks like a really old chicken breast.

Holy shit, this is not fun so far.

10:00- I arrive at the Urology Center of Colorado and Bicycle Repair Shop, accompanied against my better judgment by Mrs. Short Fat Goalie. I think she’s enjoying this just a little too much- the drooling and uncontrollable laughter are the biggest indicators.

10:15- Linda the receptionist checks me in, and says “the nurse will be with you shortly”. I must be nervous, because I think she calls me “shorty”, and I call her a bitch. I have to get a grip.

10:20- Still waiting. I look at the magazine rack, and there’s a copy of “Highlights”. What is a kid’s magazine doing here? I look around, and it’s either guys that are around 119 years old, or dudes like me waiting to get snipped. There’s one common denominator with us “Big V-Men”- we’re all shaking like a dog shittin’ razor blades (that's my dad's expression-always wanted to work that into an article).

10:30- We go into a little room for our consultation with the doctor. While we’re waiting for him, we read some of the other urology pamphlets. One of them is titled, “So Your Prostate is the Size of a Ham”. Man, I’m not going to complain any more about my vasectomy. There's some dudes out there with real problems. Annie starts in on me about getting a prostate exam. Let’s just cross one bridge at a time, okay, Mrs. 9 News Health Fair? Oh, and could you please wipe that shit-eating grin off your face?

10:35- We meet the doctor - a guy named Ferdinand Mueller. He answers all our questions – my first one was: Who would name a baby Ferdinand? Then he asks if we are positive we want to do the procedure. I show him a picture of the kids. Consultation ends right there.

10:40- We head into the “Turquoise Lake Surgical Suite” (isn’t that pretty?), and I meet Sharon, my nurse. Nice lady, probably around 55. You can tell she’s been around the vasectomy block a few times. She tells me to disrobe from the waist down, except my socks (just try to get that image out of your head), and cover up on the table with a little paper sheet. While I have a moment, I say a quick prayer to God, Buddha, Allah, and Oprah just to make sure I have all the bases covered.

10:45- Sharon comes back in, and without warning, pulls my little sheet off, pulls down a big spotlight, and starts checking things out. I guess I didn’t shave a big enough area, because she goes over to the sink, grabs a razor, and comes back with a handful of foam. She then spends the next 12.7 seconds completely sheering The Boys (NASCAR pit crews have nothing on this woman), mentioning that she noticed I tried a beard trimmer, and it was indeed a stupid idea. I look, and all I can see are hands moving and fur flying. I don't mind telling you I hold my breath the entire time she's shaving me, and I still can't uncurl my toes.

She then cheerfully leaves the room, not replacing the sheet, telling me the doctor would be right in. It seems like she should have at least bought me dinner. I’m now laying there naked, bald in all the wrong places, and with a spotlight on Big Ed and the Fellas. I feel so... violated.

I look over, and Annie, who is supposed to be supporting me in my time of distress, is laughing so hard, she has tears in her eyes (oh, yeah, she had to come in the room with me). I’m just so goddamn happy I could entertain her this morning. Maybe I can buy her a balloon on the way out. Hey, while I have this spotlight, I'll show her some new shadow animals. Look honey- it's an ostrich...

10:50- Dr. Ferdinand comes in, and we get going on the procedure. He gives me two preliminary shots to get me numb, and it’s a little uncomfortable. Why do they always say “You’re going to feel a pinch”? I’m feeling a needle sticking me in the nut-sack, not a pinch, Ferdie. Little late to start sugar-coating stuff, you shit weasel.

Just when I think we’re done with the shots, and the numbness can begin, he sticks me two more times. These are closer to the old clangers, and this time it feels well below average.

I’m so damn mad at Annie right now. She’s never had to go through this kind of pain. Childbirth, my ass. This really hurts.

10:55- Now I guess we’re good and numb, because Doc Ferdinand is ready to make the first incision. He makes a small cut, and a puff of dust comes out. Christ, I’m getting old…

11:00- While he's working, Doc Ferdinand and I are talking about our kids. He says he has twins that are seniors at Cherry Creek this year. I want to mention to him how much I hate Cherry Creek in particular, and rich people as a whole. But right now he has my testicles in his left hand and a knife in his right. I think I'll just keep that nugget to myself for a little while...

11:05- I guess it’s going well- I haven’t been watching. Annie’s transfixed, though- fascinated by the whole thing. Again, so very happy I could entertain her today. Now the doctor brings out the heavy machinery- it’s time to cauterize the tubes with electricity! Excellent! The machine starts making a high-pitched sound like construction equipment backing up, and then a buzzing sound, as he touches the instrument to the spot.

Hang on- what’s that smell? Is that smoke? Tell you what- you haven’t lived until you fill a room with the smell of your own burning flesh. I may never eat barbeque again…

11:10- Well, it looks like we’re done. The doctor gives me some stitches, wraps the whole area with gauze, and moves on to his next victim . I take a quick peek down there:

It looks like a one-eyed mummy.

11:15- Nurse Sharon gives me a brown bag with two cups in it- I have to bring back some samples in a few weeks to make sure we’re all good. For the first time since I was a teenager, the thought of harvesting a sample does not appeal to me in the least.

11:20- They release me, and Annie controls her giggling long enough to lead me out to the car. I say goodbye to Sharon, and get her number just in case things don't work out with Annie. She's my kind of girl. Takes control of a groin area like nobody's business.

I'm not moving very well. I didn't wear tight enough underwear, and the gauze is starting to slide around. I want to be extra careful-this is the absolute last part of my body that I want infected.

To keep the bandage in place, I have to shuffle along, and I look like George Burns right before he went tits-up.

In the immortal words of Butthead: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before..."

Dawgs Climb to 2nd With Big Win

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Welcome To My New Website

I'm Al Sterner, and I'd like to welcome you to my very own blog-site.

A couple of years ago my wife Annie started a website for my son Mike's soccer team. She's the team manager, and wanted an avenue to get information out to the parents.

Since there was plenty of room on the website for extra features, Annie invited me to write game stories for the team. I had written sports in school, and had recently been volunteering to be the media director for the local women's soccer team, the Mile High Edge. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed writing, so this became a fun new hobby for me.

Since our soccer website was meant only for the parents of the team, I started changing the game stories so that I could poke good-natured fun at our coaches and parents. Annie would take a bunch of photos, and then I would caption them with some smart-ass remark. The parents seemed to enjoy it, and it was a lot more fun for me rather than just writing straight game stories.

Along with that, occasionally I would write about some experience that would happen in my everyday life. It started with getting abused at the dentist, and then moved on to things like flying to North Dakota in a small plane, getting in a car wreck, and keeping a diary of my vasectomy.

The problem I have is that we have a bunch of kids that frequent the old website, so I'm not able to speak as freely as I would like. We all live in the real world, and in the real world, sometimes we swear. I've already gotten in trouble several times because my stories contain some double entendres that are just for the parents. Well, my friends at Edge Soccer aren't amused, and even though it's a private website, they still will call the team's head coach to complain about the content.

So instead of censoring myself, I've decided to move to my own site, where I can just cut loose if I feel like it. I'll move over some of the articles I wrote for the old site, and maybe change some of the wording so I can accurately express my true thoughts without fear of repercussion.

For example, in a recent article I wrote about how much I hate the French. I wrote a few jokes about surrendering, chain smoking and never bathing.

What I wanted to write is that I think the French are a bunch of arrogant dickheads, and nothing would make me happier than if an asteroid dropped on the entire country and made a giant, greasy, smelly shit stain.

But I couldn't write that. Now I can, and I already feel a lot better.

Damn, I hate the French...

Dawgs Win 5-4, Remain Near Top

The Junkyard Dawgs didn’t get quite enough vacation time during the holiday season, so they decided to take just a bit more Tuesday night before getting back to work.

Approximately 22 minutes.

After falling behind 4-1 in just over a period, the Dawgs roared back with four unanswered goals, the last coming with 59 seconds left, to squeak out a 5-4 win over the Cobra Kai squad.

After scoring the game’s opening goal early on, the Dawgs gave back three quick ones in the first period. They then surrendered one more to start the second, digging themselves a huge hole. Aging goaltender Al Sterner was having trouble shaking off the rust from the holidays, and it appeared that it was going to be a long night.


Sterner-first period

If Sterner’s hockey career is a golf game, he is currently putting on hole number 17, a slight dogleg left with water down the right side of the fairway. But somehow Sterner was able to summon the energy of a much younger man, like someone that is 48, and he, along with the Dawgs defense, did not let another goal in for the rest of the contest.

Asked to comment after the game, Sterner said, “You kids get off my goddamn lawn”. He then soiled himself and had to be driven home.


Sterner

The Dawgs closed to within 4-3 by the end of the second period, after a pretty goal from teen sensation Matt McGarvey, who deflected a bullet slapshot from defenseman Dave Chamberlain. Chamberlain’s blast from the point was clocked at almost 23 mph, hurting the ears of everyone nearby when he shot.

Later, McGarvey would tell reporters, “I don’t know why I even tried to get in front of Dave’s shot. I’m way too pretty to take that kind of risk”.

After Jeff Wiemelt scored to tie the game in the third, the Dawgs went on a power play with just under two minutes left. At the one-minute mark, Wiemelt found McGarvey alone on the far post, and McGarvey made no mistake, one-timing a shot that hit the underside of the crossbar, and settled into the net. The Dawgs had the victory they needed to stay within range of the league leaders.

It was the 17th goal of the season for McGarvey, who recently married teammate Shaun Hollis in order to stay out of the Army draft. When informed that there was no longer a draft, McGarvey said, “That’s okay- Shaun’s really cute when the moonlight hits him just right”.


McGarvey/Hollis


In other Dawgs news:

Last week the Dawgs welcomed back defenseman Mike Pijanowski, who has made an immediate contribution to the squad. He has gone a combined minus-10 in the two games, setting a team record, previously held by Eddie “Hairy Palms” Cribbs. While he was away this season. he mastered the art of assigning blame:



Pijanowski

This week the team had to play without defenseman Mike Abdella and team captain Martin Richardson. Abdella did not listen to his aging body, and went snowboarding, the sport of much younger men. The result was tragic.


Abdella


Richardson was absent this week in order to attend the annual convention of the Financial Advisors Guild, who this year, in the spirit of international friendship, invited the Bank Officers of Yugoslavia to join them. Held in San Francisco, it was, for this year only, renamed the FAG/BOY convention.

In a special honor, Richardson, who remains a giant in the FAG community, was named the Keynote Speaker for the convention. In a stirring speech, he welcomed his European guests.

“I’ve always been proud to be a member of the FAG society. But now, I’m overwhelmed to say that I’ve been made an honorary member of the Bank Officers of Yugoslavia. So tonight I humbly stand before you as a FAG/BOY. A total and complete FAG/BOY!!”

Richardson was also named the Grand Marshall for the FAG/BOY parade:


Richardson-center


In a related story, the team revealed this week that Richardson will have to sit out this week’s game against the Ice Pack due to a sprained rectum. He is listed as day-to-day.