Shorthanded Dawgs Win 7-2

Overcrowding was not a problem in the Dawgs I locker room Tuesday night. Playing with just nine skaters, the team still came away with a convincing 7-2 victory over Syndicate.

Keith Unger, recruited to play just 20 minutes before game time, started midway through the first period, yet still managed to be the player of the game with two goals and an assist. John Ripley picked up his sixth and seventh, while Matt McGarvey, Martin Richardson and Brad Stabio each chipped in with a tally.

Aging goaltender Al Sterner was simply magnificent in goal for the Dawgs, stopping over half of the twelve shots that came his way during the game. He raised his save percentage to a season-high .249.

"Al's in the zone, baby", said Sterner, who then spilled his colostomy bag, and had to be driven home yet again.



Sterner

The Dawgs inactive list for the game was enormous, including Shaun Hollis (strained labia), Jack Kelly (past bedtime), Mike Abdella (gay), Jeff Wiemelt (exceptionally gay), Dennis Heaton (prostitute's neck), Mike Pijanowski (hot date), and Eddie Cribbs (healthy scratch-coach's decision).

The nine players that did decide to show up played a dominating game, throwing 40 shots at Syndicate goalie Nick Olsen, and putting the game away with three unanswered goals in the third period.

The shocker of the evening occured when team captain and former rump ranger Martin Richardson put in his first goal since the Carter administration, finally contributing in a way other than administratively for the Dawgs, who improved to 13-4-1 with the win.

After the game, Richardson's stick was sent to the Vatican, where the Pope verified the goal as a miracle.


"Itsa so tiny...."


Later, many bets were paid off amongst Dawgs players, who had a long-running wager as to which would occur first- Richardson scoring a goal, or teammate Eddie Cribbs having sex (with a girl).

Said goalie Sterner, who was still exhausted after the game after enduring all 12 shots, "I always knew I'd win that bet. Eddie couldn't get laid in a women's prison carrying a barrel full of cigarettes".

In other Dawgs news:

While defenseman Shaun Kenney was playing this week, his wife kept his valuables in a safe place.




Winger Brad Stabio announced this week that his wife was expecting their first child. He also announced that the search would now begin to find the baby's father.


Possible candidates


Defenseman Mike Pijanowski missed the game this week, claiming to be "indisposed". He was later photographed at a local nightspot called "Flamers", wearing a very bad hairpiece.



Pijanowski and "friend"