SFG Gets a Vasectomy

(originally written 9/15/07)

Well boys and girls, your little buddy had his “procedure” this morning. You know, the one where you can’t have babies anymore? I’m currently sitting in bed with a bag of peas placed in a very strategic place, and I feel like an idiot. I never thought I'd write that the Green Giant has his head in my crotch. But I’m thanking my personal God he’s there.

How am I feeling? Not that bad, actually. I have the same dull ache in my balls that I feel when Annie yells at me to pick up my pop cans, so I’m kind of used to it. Plus I want to kiss the inventor of Vicodin right on the mouth.

Now that it’s over, I feel like I’d be doing a disservice to our younger dads and male readers if I didn’t tell them exactly what to expect when it comes time for their own operation. Plus if you guys think I would go through this without a running diary, well then you just don’t know me very well, do you?

Here goes nothing:

8:30- Getting ready to go- my appointment’s at 10:00 down by Invesco Field. Believe it or not, I didn’t sleep very well last night. Not sure why; but gun to my head, I’d have to say that it might be the anticipation of having a scalpel down there carving on the old gonads. Just a wild guess.

9:00- Before I go, I’ve been instructed to shave a specific area, and I’ve never, ever done that before. Won’t go into a lot of detail, but for you future V-men out there, let me give you one tiny piece of advice. Using a beard and mustache trimmer is a very, very bad idea. If I had tried that one minute longer, I think I would have been looking for my balls on the bathroom floor.

9:15- Done thinning out the Petrified Forest- pretty much wrecked Annie’s Lady Bic. She'll probably want to burn that. Down there, it now looks like a really old chicken breast.

Holy shit, this is not fun so far.

10:00- I arrive at the Urology Center of Colorado and Bicycle Repair Shop, accompanied against my better judgment by Mrs. Short Fat Goalie. I think she’s enjoying this just a little too much- the drooling and uncontrollable laughter are the biggest indicators.

10:15- Linda the receptionist checks me in, and says “the nurse will be with you shortly”. I must be nervous, because I think she calls me “shorty”, and I call her a bitch. I have to get a grip.

10:20- Still waiting. I look at the magazine rack, and there’s a copy of “Highlights”. What is a kid’s magazine doing here? I look around, and it’s either guys that are around 119 years old, or dudes like me waiting to get snipped. There’s one common denominator with us “Big V-Men”- we’re all shaking like a dog shittin’ razor blades (that's my dad's expression-always wanted to work that into an article).

10:30- We go into a little room for our consultation with the doctor. While we’re waiting for him, we read some of the other urology pamphlets. One of them is titled, “So Your Prostate is the Size of a Ham”. Man, I’m not going to complain any more about my vasectomy. There's some dudes out there with real problems. Annie starts in on me about getting a prostate exam. Let’s just cross one bridge at a time, okay, Mrs. 9 News Health Fair? Oh, and could you please wipe that shit-eating grin off your face?

10:35- We meet the doctor - a guy named Ferdinand Mueller. He answers all our questions – my first one was: Who would name a baby Ferdinand? Then he asks if we are positive we want to do the procedure. I show him a picture of the kids. Consultation ends right there.

10:40- We head into the “Turquoise Lake Surgical Suite” (isn’t that pretty?), and I meet Sharon, my nurse. Nice lady, probably around 55. You can tell she’s been around the vasectomy block a few times. She tells me to disrobe from the waist down, except my socks (just try to get that image out of your head), and cover up on the table with a little paper sheet. While I have a moment, I say a quick prayer to God, Buddha, Allah, and Oprah just to make sure I have all the bases covered.

10:45- Sharon comes back in, and without warning, pulls my little sheet off, pulls down a big spotlight, and starts checking things out. I guess I didn’t shave a big enough area, because she goes over to the sink, grabs a razor, and comes back with a handful of foam. She then spends the next 12.7 seconds completely sheering The Boys (NASCAR pit crews have nothing on this woman), mentioning that she noticed I tried a beard trimmer, and it was indeed a stupid idea. I look, and all I can see are hands moving and fur flying. I don't mind telling you I hold my breath the entire time she's shaving me, and I still can't uncurl my toes.

She then cheerfully leaves the room, not replacing the sheet, telling me the doctor would be right in. It seems like she should have at least bought me dinner. I’m now laying there naked, bald in all the wrong places, and with a spotlight on Big Ed and the Fellas. I feel so... violated.

I look over, and Annie, who is supposed to be supporting me in my time of distress, is laughing so hard, she has tears in her eyes (oh, yeah, she had to come in the room with me). I’m just so goddamn happy I could entertain her this morning. Maybe I can buy her a balloon on the way out. Hey, while I have this spotlight, I'll show her some new shadow animals. Look honey- it's an ostrich...

10:50- Dr. Ferdinand comes in, and we get going on the procedure. He gives me two preliminary shots to get me numb, and it’s a little uncomfortable. Why do they always say “You’re going to feel a pinch”? I’m feeling a needle sticking me in the nut-sack, not a pinch, Ferdie. Little late to start sugar-coating stuff, you shit weasel.

Just when I think we’re done with the shots, and the numbness can begin, he sticks me two more times. These are closer to the old clangers, and this time it feels well below average.

I’m so damn mad at Annie right now. She’s never had to go through this kind of pain. Childbirth, my ass. This really hurts.

10:55- Now I guess we’re good and numb, because Doc Ferdinand is ready to make the first incision. He makes a small cut, and a puff of dust comes out. Christ, I’m getting old…

11:00- While he's working, Doc Ferdinand and I are talking about our kids. He says he has twins that are seniors at Cherry Creek this year. I want to mention to him how much I hate Cherry Creek in particular, and rich people as a whole. But right now he has my testicles in his left hand and a knife in his right. I think I'll just keep that nugget to myself for a little while...

11:05- I guess it’s going well- I haven’t been watching. Annie’s transfixed, though- fascinated by the whole thing. Again, so very happy I could entertain her today. Now the doctor brings out the heavy machinery- it’s time to cauterize the tubes with electricity! Excellent! The machine starts making a high-pitched sound like construction equipment backing up, and then a buzzing sound, as he touches the instrument to the spot.

Hang on- what’s that smell? Is that smoke? Tell you what- you haven’t lived until you fill a room with the smell of your own burning flesh. I may never eat barbeque again…

11:10- Well, it looks like we’re done. The doctor gives me some stitches, wraps the whole area with gauze, and moves on to his next victim . I take a quick peek down there:

It looks like a one-eyed mummy.

11:15- Nurse Sharon gives me a brown bag with two cups in it- I have to bring back some samples in a few weeks to make sure we’re all good. For the first time since I was a teenager, the thought of harvesting a sample does not appeal to me in the least.

11:20- They release me, and Annie controls her giggling long enough to lead me out to the car. I say goodbye to Sharon, and get her number just in case things don't work out with Annie. She's my kind of girl. Takes control of a groin area like nobody's business.

I'm not moving very well. I didn't wear tight enough underwear, and the gauze is starting to slide around. I want to be extra careful-this is the absolute last part of my body that I want infected.

To keep the bandage in place, I have to shuffle along, and I look like George Burns right before he went tits-up.

In the immortal words of Butthead: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before..."