Dawgs Advance After 6-4 Win

The Dawgs I squad moved to the second round of the C-2 playoffs Tuesday night after getting past the Cobra Kai, 6-4. They now face the Llamas for an automatic berth in the league semifinals.

Winger and Bronze Labia winner Jeff Wiemelt returned from a two week absence to score a three goal hat trick. Teen idol Matt McGarvey pitched in with two, while Brad Stabio celebrated his return from a drug run in Belize to put in his fourth of the season.

The Dawgs jumped out quickly Tuesday, grabbing a 4-0 lead in the first period. They then dried up like a 60 year old hooker and almost lost their lead twice before scoring late to seal the victory.

Goalie Al Sterner, trying in vain to stay one step ahead of senility, was fair to partly shitty in the playoff opener. With his team nursing a 5-3 lead in the third period, he allowed a bad angle goal that defied belief, but held on the rest of the way, despite playing the last five minutes with both hands wrapped around his throat.


Sterner


Wiemelt scored his first goals since January 15th, and now has 11 for the season. He also continued his streak, now up to 21 games, of not drawing a penalty. In fact, during that entire period he has not made physical contact with another player.



Wiemelt (take a minute-you'll get this one)

Dawgs leading scorer Shaun Hollis was shut out for the second straight week, leading to speculation of some possible problems in his personal life. He has not been the same player since he started dating a new girlfriend after the first of the year.



Hollis' new love


In other Dawgs news:

A search of defenseman Rick Zimmat's hockey bag this week revealed why he remains so low-key during games.


Not a lamp


Team captain Martin Richardson missed the playoff opener because of an undisclosed illness, contracted during a recent visit to San Francisco. Until his condition improves, in a show of unity the rest of the Dawgs team will wear something special on their game uniforms.



Tribute to "Cappy the Turd Tappy"


While in Belize last week, center Brad Stabio happened to meet actor Harrison Ford, who was staying in the same vacation resort. Upon returning to the United States, Ford confirmed to reporters that Stabio has a small penis.


"I know he was diving, but Jesus Christ..."


Winger Eddie Cribbs had minor eye surgery this week and will be forced to miss the next game.


Cribbs

Dawgs Lose 2-0, Playoffs Start This Week

Going into last Tuesday's season finale against Sports Authority, the Dawgs I squad were leading the Edge C-2 league this season in goals with 116. But with a chance to move up to second place in the standings, and improve their playoff position, they instead filled the opposing net with a huge helping of jack squat, as they went down, 2-0.

The Dawgs finished the season at 14-5-1, good for third place in the league table. All of their losses came to either Sports Authority or the second place Llamas.

Soulmates Shaun Hollis and Matt McGarvey, who had teamed for a total of 43 goals and 67 points before Tuesday's game, this week combined for a total of zippity doo-dah, failing to put a puck past a goaltender that was older than both players combined.



McGarvey


Sports Authority netminder Daryll Stone, who at 47 was the youngest goalie in the game, saved 17 shots for the victory. He also led the league in total goals against, with just 60 for the season.

Dawgs keeper Al Sterner, who finished the regular season giving up five more goals than Stone, graciously accepted defeat after the game while speaking with reporters.

"Somebody suck my (expletive)!", shrieked Sterner, wiping away tears. "I could have got a shutout too, if I was only 47. Mother (expletive) punk ass kid!" He then fell asleep during a postgame bowel movement, hit his head on the bathroom floor, and had to be shocked back to life.


Sterner


The Dawgs now have a chance for redemption Tuesday night, when the 2008 playoffs start against Cobra Kai. It was announced that Cobra Kai will be without their leader Johnny Lawrence, who was suspended one game for sweeping the leg of Daniel LaRusso in the All-Valley tournament.


Lawrence


In other Dawgs news:

Team captain Martin Richardson returned from San Francisco this week, and announced that he had started a new career with some friends that he met on his trip.


Richardson, far left

Winger Dennis Heaton announced this week that his neck condition had not improved, and that he would definitely miss the playoffs.


Heaton

Center Jeff Wiemelt ended the 2008 regular season with a total of zero penalty minutes. In recognition of his accomplishment, he was given a special award by his teammates.


Wiemelt wins the "Bronze Labia" award


Winger Eddie Cribbs continues to strike out with the ladies. Research indicates that when Cribbs dates, all goes well until he gets the girl home, and she sees his penis for the first time.



Cribbs

New Sponsor

We'd like to introduce a new sponsor this week. Your SFG blog is now brought to you by Miller Genuine Draft (click to enlarge):

Dawgs Thump Those Guys 7-2

Two weeks ago, nine devoted skaters showed up for the Dawgs I game against Syndicate, and broke open a close game in the third period to gut out a 7-2 win. Last Tuesday night, with three more players on the bench, the team came away with a much more comfortable 7-2 victory over Those Guys.

The Dawgs now sit at 14-4-1, good for third place in league standings. They have one more chance to move up this Tuesday night, when they face first place Sports Authority at 9:00.

The rest must have done the missing Dawgs a world of good, because almost all of the goals Tuesday night were scored by players that had missed the previous week.

Forward Eric Helwig returned after an extensive stay at the Betty Ford Clinic, and banged home two goals. Winger Shaun Hollis, battling his way back from a swollen vulva, also scored twice, now giving him a team-leading 22 goals on the season. Hollis also played the entire game without being ejected, proving that he was not quite yet feeling up to par.

Center and teen heartthrob Matt McGarvey put in his 21st, defenseman Mike Abdella overcame a nasty bout with homosexuality to score his 4th, and winger Eddie Cribbs scored his first goal since Christ was a Boy Scout.

Goalkeeper and AARP member Al Sterner recorded 15 saves for the victory, a new personal best. He gave up one goal in the second period after a flurry of four shots, while his defensemen stood off to one side, pointing and laughing at their flailing netminder. The other goal came in the third, when after Sterner made the first save of a shot, he had some problems getting back up to deal with the rebound.


Sterner

After the game, Cribbs was the happiest player in the Dawgs locker room. Speaking of his goal, which he slid past female goalie Jamie Wilson, Cribbs said, "I can finally tell all my friends that I scored on a girl. You know how long I've waited to say that? Three years, seven months, thirteen days, four hours, and nineteen minutes".


Cribbs


An embarrassing moment occurred for the Dawgs in the third period, when winger Brad Stabio jumped Wilson in the goal crease, and attempted to have sexual relations with her. Later, Stabio said, "My wife's pregnant, and cut me off months ago. I can't stand it any longer! Brad needs some poon!"

Stabio was penalized two minutes for Goaltender Interference, and given an additional five minutes for having a small penis.

A completely unsatisfied Jamie Wilson was interviewed in her car after the game. "What was that guy's name, Stabio? If you ask me, it was more like Stub-io. It looked like a friggin' thimble. Jesus, it was like this big".


Wilson describes the "Stub-io"



In other Dawgs news:

Team captain Martin Richardson prepared this week for another business trip to San Francisco:


Richardson

DNA tests continued this week to find the real father of winger Brad Stabio's baby. Scientists say they have it narrowed to nine possibilities.




Tragedy struck again for winger Dennis Heaton this week. Already sidelined with a compressed disk in his neck, Heaton ignored doctors orders and went back to work selling dairy products. While Heaton was closing a big deal the only way he knows how, his customer collapsed in ecstacy, and sat directly on Heaton's face. The impact ruptured the damaged disk, and left Heaton an instant quadriplegic.


Heaton

The next day, Heaton's wife Mary filed for divorce. "I never liked the son of a bitch when he could function" said Mrs. Heaton. "If you think I'm spending the rest of my life wiping his ass, you're out of your goddamn mind".