The Dawgs now sit at 14-4-1, good for third place in league standings. They have one more chance to move up this Tuesday night, when they face first place Sports Authority at 9:00.
The rest must have done the missing Dawgs a world of good, because almost all of the goals Tuesday night were scored by players that had missed the previous week.
Forward Eric Helwig returned after an extensive stay at the Betty Ford Clinic, and banged home two goals. Winger Shaun Hollis, battling his way back from a swollen vulva, also scored twice, now giving him a team-leading 22 goals on the season. Hollis also played the entire game without being ejected, proving that he was not quite yet feeling up to par.
Center and teen heartthrob Matt McGarvey put in his 21st, defenseman Mike Abdella overcame a nasty bout with homosexuality to score his 4th, and winger Eddie Cribbs scored his first goal since Christ was a Boy Scout.
Goalkeeper and AARP member Al Sterner recorded 15 saves for the victory, a new personal best. He gave up one goal in the second period after a flurry of four shots, while his defensemen stood off to one side, pointing and laughing at their flailing netminder. The other goal came in the third, when after Sterner made the first save of a shot, he had some problems getting back up to deal with the rebound.
Sterner
After the game, Cribbs was the happiest player in the Dawgs locker room. Speaking of his goal, which he slid past female goalie Jamie Wilson, Cribbs said, "I can finally tell all my friends that I scored on a girl. You know how long I've waited to say that? Three years, seven months, thirteen days, four hours, and nineteen minutes".
Cribbs
An embarrassing moment occurred for the Dawgs in the third period, when winger Brad Stabio jumped Wilson in the goal crease, and attempted to have sexual relations with her. Later, Stabio said, "My wife's pregnant, and cut me off months ago. I can't stand it any longer! Brad needs some poon!"
Stabio was penalized two minutes for Goaltender Interference, and given an additional five minutes for having a small penis.
A completely unsatisfied Jamie Wilson was interviewed in her car after the game. "What was that guy's name, Stabio? If you ask me, it was more like Stub-io. It looked like a friggin' thimble. Jesus, it was like this big".
Wilson describes the "Stub-io"
In other Dawgs news:
Team captain Martin Richardson prepared this week for another business trip to San Francisco:
Richardson
DNA tests continued this week to find the real father of winger Brad Stabio's baby. Scientists say they have it narrowed to nine possibilities.
Tragedy struck again for winger Dennis Heaton this week. Already sidelined with a compressed disk in his neck, Heaton ignored doctors orders and went back to work selling dairy products. While Heaton was closing a big deal the only way he knows how, his customer collapsed in ecstacy, and sat directly on Heaton's face. The impact ruptured the damaged disk, and left Heaton an instant quadriplegic.
Heaton
The next day, Heaton's wife Mary filed for divorce. "I never liked the son of a bitch when he could function" said Mrs. Heaton. "If you think I'm spending the rest of my life wiping his ass, you're out of your goddamn mind".
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