The 10 Worst Movies Ever (Part 2)

Okay, we've dispensed with horrible movies 10 through six (see below if you haven't read them yet), and we're ready to count down the five worst movies of all time.


5. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Let me start by saying that I really like Adam Sandler. I know he annoys the crap out of a lot of people, and I totally understand that opinion. He's one of those guys that you either love or hate. I just happen to be in the camp that likes the guy. I've seen Happy Gilmore, Fifty First Dates and The Wedding Singer a million times. I even like The Waterboy.

But "Chuck and Larry" is a ball of shit for two reasons. First, Kevin James is in it, and I've hated him ever since he got way too competitive in the All Star celebrity softball game a few years ago. He was about to be tagged out at third base, and tried to mow down Derek Parra, who won the speed skating gold medal in Salt Lake City. Parra stepped aside, watched James barrel his fat ass right past him, and then looked at him, like "what the fuck are you doing?" Oh, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop sucked, too. A lot. Almost made this list.

Second, this is another one of those movies that tries to teach you a lesson, just like "The Day After Tomorrow" from earlier in the list. Sandler starts out being this manly fireman who cracks the occasional gay joke, and then enters into a "civil union" with James, so James can keep his benefits, or some such nonsense.

Then magically, Sandler is transformed, and sees the error in his old ways. By pretending to be gay, he sees just how hurtful those gay jokes were, and from now on, he's going to be sensitive to their plight. It includes the big cliche speech at the end. (You can't see now, but I'm making the "jerk off" sign with my right hand. Because, you know, I'm a rightie when it comes to that.)

I just don't have time for any person or group that can't make fun of themselves. If you've read anything in this blog, you'll notice that I goof on everything and everyone, including myself. The name of the damn blog should be a pretty good clue. People just need to lighten the hell up, and have some fun with who they are.

Oh, there was one redeeming feature to this movie. It's this:



That there is Jessica Biel's butt, which should have it's own place in the Louvre. Right next to the Mona Lisa. I'm not kidding...

4. The Replacements

I had to include a Keanu Reeves movie. He is easily the worst actor of our generation, and this movie is just a big bag of fertilizer. It's about a bunch of guys that sign up to play pro football while the regular pros are out on strike (replacements- get it?), and Keanu plays Shane Falco, the quarterback with huge potential that lost his confidence when he played like shit in the Sugar Bowl.

Joining Reeves in this abortion is none other than Gene Hackman, who must have lost a bet to take this role. He's the grizzled old coach, who is also getting a second chance to take the helm of a pro team. Even wears the Tom Landry hat.

The story itself is okay, I guess, except you just can't get past the fact that Keanu is a horrible actor. At the climactic point in the movie, he's in the huddle, looks around and says, "Gentlemen, it has been an honor to share the field of battle with you", and honest to God, it sounds like he's reading the line off of cue cards for the first time ever. When I saw it originally, I actually crapped a little in my pants.

Plus the football scenes are completely out of sequence, which is a real dealbreaker for me. Things like being called for a 15 yard penalty at midfield, and then when they snap the ball next, it's at their own one yard line. There's actually one scene where Falco's calling a play at the line, and they show Gene Hackman on the sidelines, standing next to Falco. There's just no excuse for that kind of shit.

The funny part is- I watch this movie every time it comes on. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes you have to listen to a song you hate, or watch a movie you hate, just so you can say at regular intervals, "Fuck me, this is bad!"

Okay, maybe that's just me.

3. Rocky V

In the last article I said that I could only think of one sports movie that had a good sequel, and Rocky is it. In fact, there were two good sequels, with Rocky III I believe being the best one. Apollo Creed teaching Rocky how to be fast so he could knock out Mr. T was brilliant. Unfortunately, that's kind of where the train went off the tracks. Stallone should have let it go right there.

Rocky IV was barely okay, but I wish Apollo hadn't gotten killed, and it got preachy again at the end where Rocky stood in the ring and rambled on about how countries could change if fight fans could change, or some bullshit like that. That really should have been the last one.

But Stallone couldn't leave well enough alone, and destroyed the entire franchise by making Rocky V. In this one, he for some reason gave his alchoholic brother in-law Pauley power of attorney, and Pauley lost all their money in some sort of bad investment. Bullshit.

Then they have to move back to the slums of Philly, because there's no way a beloved world champion could ever find a way to make a living. Bullshit again.

Now penniless, Stallone takes on a protege (a boxer named Tommy Morrison that ended up with AIDS in real life) that eventually betrays him, and meanwhile he has to teach his son (played coincidentally by his own son Sage) how to fight so he doesn't get gang-fucked, ghetto style after school. Always a bad idea to put your family in a movie, especially when they've never been in front of a camera before. Also a bad idea to name a boy Sage. Might as well name him, Hey Everybody, Kick My Ass.

Rocky ends up winning a streetfight with the evil protege at the end, which still leaves him with no money, and possible HIV from Morrison bleeding all over him. It was just a shame to watch Stallone piss away an American icon in one last grasp at making a couple of bucks. Not many people remember this, but the original Rocky won the Academy Award in 1977.

No shit.

Stallone knew he fucked up, and tried to redeem himself one last time with Rocky Balboa two years ago. I wanted so badly to like that movie, but it sucked, too. This just makes me sad- let's move on...

2. St. Elmo's Fire

If you didn't watch movies in the 80's, you probably won't recall the Brat Pack, which included Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Andrew McCarthy and Ally Sheedy. They were in a ton of teen movies, mostly by John Hughes (who recently went tits up), and were the hottest thing on the planet.

Anyway, they were all in this steaming shit brick, where six young graduates from college can't figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. What they should have done was all get into a minivan, and drive that fucker off of a cliff. Would have saved me three bucks (movies were cheap back in the 80's).

A few of the highlights:

The Andrew McCarthy badass look. Used it in all of his movies when things got intense. This was the best example I could find:



He brought "the look" out when Judd Nelson was fighting with him over Ally Sheedy. I got the same look wondering who the hell would fight over Ally Sheedy.

Rob Lowe playing the saxophone. Worst job I've ever seen of someone making believe they were playing a musical instrument. He's even wearing a headband, has a dangling earring, and a muscle shirt with bats on it. Check this out:



He would have been more believable if he would have had some dude's dork hanging out of his mouth instead of that horn. Bitchin' 23 inch chest, by the way.

Demi Moore's suicide attempt. Everything falls apart for Demi's character, so she tries to off herself by...wait for it...locking herself in a drafty room. "Oh my God, Jules! You're going to freeze in there! Please open the door, honey!". Back in those days, Demi was pretty beefy, so she could have survived for weeks.

Anyway, they get it all figured out by the end. Neither Judd Nelson or Andrew McCarthy get Ally Sheedy, Demi doesn't die but keeps that big old husky voice for the rest of her life, and Rob Lowe goes to New York to play fake sax, but not before taking the virginity of a fat chick before he leaves.

You know how to make love with a fat girl, right? Roll her in flour, and then go for the wet spot. (My dad told me that joke when I was a teenager. He's the reason I am how I am.)


Anyhoo, this was my least favorite movie of all time until just recently. Then this film came on HBO, and I decided to check it out because it got a decent review when it was in theaters. And it immediately made it's way to the very top of my hate list.

That movie is...

1. Mamma Mia

As in, "Mamma mia, this is the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my life." I don't even know where to begin with this.

I guess I could start by saying that I don't like musicals. It's just never made sense to me for people to be having a conversation one minute, and then singing and dancing their ass off the next. Nobody does that. Well, except sometimes gay people.

Let me also say right now that I love Meryl Streep. She is undoubtedly the best actress that has ever lived. And she can really sing. But kids, I don't need to see any 60 year old woman shaking her ass while singing ABBA songs, alongside two other 60 year old women also shaking their asses. I just don't.

I hate to admit this, but I liked ABBA a lot back in the 70's. I listened to them all the time on my eight-track player in my AMC Gremlin. It looked a lot like this:


And I wondered why I didn't get laid the entire decade...

So I was curious how they would incorporate the old songs into a movie. The answer turned out to be: very badly. For those of you that haven't seen this turd yet (which makes you much better off than I am), Meryl's daughter is getting married, but wants her long lost father to come to the ceremony. The problem is, Meryl was what the kids call a dirty ho back in the day, and could only narrow it down to three candidates.

Enter Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard, and Pierce Brosnan. Nice looking gentlemen, I guess, but the casting director missed just one tiny little detail when she hired these fellas for their roles:

Not one of these fuckers can sing. Especially Pierce Brosnan. Holy shit, when he belts out "S.O.S.", it's like watching animals get tortured. Have you ever asked a woman when her baby's due, and then discover she's not pregnant? Watching Brosnan sing is that uncomfortable. I'll never be able to watch him playing James Bond again without remembering how much he sucked in this movie.

Anyway, I think at the end the guys decided to split fatherhood three ways, much the same way as they split Meryl Streep's hoo-haw when she was younger. At least I think that's how it ended- I was busy wrapping an extension cord around my neck and looking for some rafters.


So that's it, boys and girls. I know this isn't like most of you out there, but I'd really like to see some feedback on this. I just got to 30,000 hits on this site last weekend, and I've only been counting for 16 months, so somebody must be reading this shit.

Talk to me, Goose. Talk to me...