Last week I had a game in one of the leagues I play in, and I was going to the arena right after my kid's practice. For those of you new to this site, I coach hockey to 13 and 14 year old boys. My kid Sam is also a goalie (God help him), and I've been coaching on his teams for the past nine seasons.
Obviously, nobody in our association knows about my hobby of writing the smut that you read here, otherwise I'd be out on my ass. So let's just keep that our little secret, okay? But I really enjoy coaching- most of the kids are terrific, and really want to learn the game. I'm getting too old to play this shit, but I can certainly still teach it.
Anyway, I got to the rink about twenty minutes before gametime, and discovered that I had left my goalie skates in my coaching bag. I live about a half hour away from the arena, so there was no way I could get home and back, or even call my adorable wife and ask her to bring them to me.
This usually happens about once a year. I'll either forget an an article of equipment, or something will fall out of my bag when I hang my stuff up in the garage to air out. Trust me- you don't want to be anywhere near my garage when my gear is in there, especially during the summer. It smells like the fuckin' monkey house at the zoo.
But this was twice in the past month that I had something important come up missing when I got to my game. Three weeks ago, it was my nut cup. I ended up borrowing one from a very hesitant teammate, promising that: a) I wouldn't wear it against my bare skin, and b) I would have it sandblasted before I gave it back to him. So I placed it on the outside of my sweatpants, and it ended up rolling around inside my breezers the whole game. Because it moved around so much, it actually spent more time covering my butthole than my fellas. I wasn't real worried about it- I have four kids and a vasectomy, so I don't have that much use for my gonads anymore.
Not having skates was a whole other animal, though. It's not like my teammates had an extra pair bouncing around in their bag, and even if they did, goalie skates are different than regular ones. For those of you who don't know, the blade is a lot longer, and there is a plastic shell on the outside of the boot to protect the foot if the puck hits the skate.
So what was I going to do? I went to the guy at the front counter, and asked without much hope if by any chance they had some goalie skates I could borrow. He said he thought maybe they had some in their equipment room, and I could go back and take a look.
It turned out unbelievably that they had two pairs back there. I hoped that one of the pairs was somewhere near my size. I wear an eight, which is pretty small for an adult. Oh, and you can just save the small foot/dick jokes, thank you very much. My wife assures me it's much more important what you do with it. She always stifles laughter and looks away when she says that, but still...
I checked out the first pair, and I think both of my feet could have fit inside one skate. Not good. I crossed my fingers, and went to the other pair. They were a lot closer, so I tried them on. They were still too big, but I thought if I tied them as tight as possible, I could make do. It was 15 minutes until game time- beggars can't be choosers, right?
So I went back to the locker room, and absorbed the requisite amount of shit from my teammates for leaving my skates in my other bag. After taking just a quick moment to show everyone my middle finger, I started strapping my gear on. The holes were different from mine between the skate blade and the bottom of the boot, so I had to thread the straps a little bit differently. No problem.
I stood up with my pads on, and my feet were moving around inside the skate a little bit, but I tightened them so much, it wasn't too bad. No problem.
Then after the Zamboni got off the ice, I set foot onto the surface for the five minute warmup before our game. I took that first stride, and my right skate slid out from under me, like I still had the skate guards on. Then I took a stride on the other foot, and the exact same thing happened. I went to my knees, reached back, and ran my finger over the blades, expecting to remove some tape or other debris that might have gotten on the edges. It was then that I discovered that neither skate had any inside edge. I couldn't have sliced fuckin' butter with either blade.
Now we had ourselves a little problem. It was five minutes to gametime, and I had no way to put my weight on the inside edges of my skates. And for those of you who know nothing about playing goalie, you spend an enormous amount of time on your inside edges. You need them to push off to move from side to side across the goal crease, and move off your goal line to cut the angle from a shooter.
I thought to myself, "Who the fuck uses these skates?". They were sitting next to a set of pads that were still wet, so they must have been worn pretty recently. I supposed that it must be some dude that plays the game a whole bunch differently than I do.
But I had no choice. I had to try and make do with what I had, because we were out of time, and I had no other options. I very gingerly went over to our bench and told my teammates the problem, and warned them to look out for anything because I could barely stand up. One of them said, "How will we know the difference from usual, Al?" I won't tell you what I said in response, but it involved asking him to wrap his lips around a certain part of my anatomy.
So I skated back to my crease, almost falling twice on the trip. I could feel it- this was going to be the longest hour and a half of my life. Even longer than when I watched The Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Aniston. Holy shit, was that a bad movie. But I digress...
Anyway, I've thought about it a lot, and it took awhile, but I finally figured the best way to describe how I looked during the game.
Imagine a walrus with Muscular Dystrophy. One of "Jerry's Walruses", if you will. Well, I wasn't quite that graceful.
Sweet dancin' Jehovah, was I bad. In that league, I'm used to letting in just over two goals per game. It's an Over-40 league, so the level of play isn't real fast. My biggest concern normally is being patient, and waiting for the slower shots to get to me, and not overreacting.
But kids, that night I allowed a half dozen goals. And at least five were shots I would have stopped easily any other night. The worst one was a little wrist shot from the damn blue line. I tried to push off to just stick it off into the corner, but my skate went out from under me, the puck hit the heel of my stick, and went in. Kids, I've let in some fugly goals before, but this might be the biggest howler of my life.
Now, there are two silver linings to my evening from hell. First, I'm so fucking old, I'm not capable of being embarrassed anymore. The fact that I'm even writing about this debacle proves my point. Besides, there are a bunch of people out there with many more problems than letting in shitty goals. That includes a few of my Dawgs brothers that are going through some serious health problems- I'm pretty good these days about keeping things in perspective.
And second, we won the goddamn game. My mates put up seven for me, so at least I didn't bring down the entire team with my stupidity. What should have been a blowout win turned into a tight game, so I guess in the big picture, I helped make things more exciting. You're welcome.
Also, I've learned something. From now on, I will turn on the lights in my stinky garage, and make sure all my equipment is in my bag before I take off for the game. I'm already getting forgetful in my old age- it feels like I'm on a one way train bound for Senility City. Taking an extra minute may save me some future problems, or at least keep my teammates from killing me after a game.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Old Dawgs Alone At Top After Shootout Win
With the winter SDOHL nearly half over, it appears that the cream is beginning to rise to the top. Unless something strange happens, the Old Dawgs and Coyotes should be battling for the league's top spot, and the number one seed going into the playoffs.
When the teams met five weeks ago, the Coyotes came away with a 4-3 shootout victory. The Old Dawgs coughed up a two goal lead, and then the shootout went ten rounds before a winner could be decided.
It was deja vu last Tuesday night. After fighting to gain a 4-2 third period advantage, the Dawgs promptly gave it right back in the latter stages, but this time came out on the happy end of the shootout for a big 5-4 win.
Bernie Levesque continues to pile up the goals for the Old Dawgs, firing in his 11th and 12th of the season, and then netting the game winner in the shootout. Defenseman Steve DeToro put in his third, while the artist formerly known as "Jelly" got his first.
Jelly (artist rendering)
Goalie Al Sterner ran his shutout streak to five periods, and then collapsed like a chubby house of cards in the third, giving up a whopping four goals. But he did regroup in the shootout, saving all four shots he faced. The victory, though, was a little hollow for the husky veteran, because his team should have claimed all three points given for a regulation win, instead of the lousy two for a shootout victory.
Sterner-third period
As has been the case for most of the season, the Old Dawgs were missing some key players for this important contest. Those players included league leading scorer Tito Pijanowski (suspended-anger issues), Eddie Cribbs (groin injury/pussy), Ron Mulso (out of town-business), Dave Chamberlain (out of town-gay), and Chris Courtiol (in France, so exceptionally gay).
But the remaining 10 skaters were ready to go, and it looked for the first half of the game like nobody was ever going to score a goal. These were the top two defensive teams in the league, and it showed as both teams were having a hard time getting quality shots.
But DeToro finally broke the ice halfway through the second, taking a centering feed from Old Dawgs captain and former rectal ranger Marty Richardson, and tucking the puck through the pads of Coyotes goalie Ted Cetaruk.
That precarious 1-0 lead held up until the beginning of the final stanza, but then the Coyotes Steve Tautz got loose on a breakaway, and beat Sterner like a bass drum to even the score. But a minute later, "Jelly" took the puck from his defensive zone, skated down the ice and lifted the puck over Cetaruk to restore the Old Dawgs' lead.
Three minutes later, the Coyotes would level the contest again, when substitute player and league president John Ling found a loose puck in front of the Dawgs net, and fired it low, past Sterner's stick side and into the cage.
Thirty seconds later, it was Levesque's turn to give the Old Dawgs the lead back, when he converted a nice centering pass from Richardson. Then three minutes after that, he made it 4-2 with his 12th of the year, off of an assist by new Old Dawg Mike Wimmer. It was Wimmer's first point as a member of Dawg Nation.
Levesque now leads the league in goals, passing Pijanowski, but still is waiting for his elusive first assist. Of course, his chances will improve vastly when he attempts his elusive first pass. If and when he finally gets that helper, he will catch his goalie Sterner, who has led Levesque in that category for the past seven weeks.
So the Old Dawgs had their first two goal lead of the game with seven minutes left. Game over, right? Wrong. Just twenty seconds after Levesque's last goal, Tautz brought his team back to within a single marker, converting a rebound when Sterner couldn't control the first shot that hit him in one of his man-boobs. Then a minute later, Tautz completed his hat trick by undressing Sterner on a breakaway, and all of a sudden it was a brand new game.
In the space of ten minutes, a very tight, low scoring game had turned into a wide open barnburner. Seven goals were scored in that span, and both goalies, who were used to giving up around two per game, were fishing the puck out their net with shocking regularity. But things quieted down in the last five minutes, and no more goals were scored, so the two teams headed for a very important shootout. The winner would have sole possession of first place.
The first three shooters for both sides were unable to tally, as Sterner finally found a way to solve Tautz, who went third for the Coyotes. Who would captain Richardson send out next?
Paging monsieur Bernie Levesque...
Levesque, who had success earlier against Cetaruk, made his patented move, skating to the front of the net, deking to his backhand, and then lifting the puck over Cetaruk and into the top of the goal.
That terrific move needs its own name, so from now on, it will be referred to as, "The French Tickler".
No, not that kind...but the colors are French, at least
Now, all Sterner had to do was stop one more Coyotes shooter, and the extra point would go to the Old Dawgs. Sterner skated way out of his crease to challenge Matt McCoy, and when McCoy tried to make his move around Sterner, the puck rolled off his stick. Game over.
The Old Dawgs have one more game before they all celebrate Kwanzaa, and it will be this Thursday night against B&K Supply. Game time will be 7:15.
In other Dawgs news:
This week doctors discovered why Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque never passes the puck. Tragically, he is afflicted with a rare French disease known as Chunnel Vision.
Get it? French...Chunnel? Okay, they can't all be gems. Fuck off.
Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol missed last week's game in order to visit his family in France. But even though he was far away, hockey was still on his mind.
Cribbs
Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks discovered this week that dressing and acting retarded is a great new way to pick up women.
Jesus tap dancin' Christ, Wilksie...
This week marked the return of Old Dawgs defenseman Nigel Richardson, who has been working in South Dakota for the past several months. Brother of Dawgs captain Marty and an expert chef, Richardson was in charge of all meals at a very exclusive hunting resort. Going the extra mile to please his clients, at the end of the day he still found time to drain their testicles by any method they chose. Now, that's service.
The Richardson brothers (combined height-6'9")
When the teams met five weeks ago, the Coyotes came away with a 4-3 shootout victory. The Old Dawgs coughed up a two goal lead, and then the shootout went ten rounds before a winner could be decided.
It was deja vu last Tuesday night. After fighting to gain a 4-2 third period advantage, the Dawgs promptly gave it right back in the latter stages, but this time came out on the happy end of the shootout for a big 5-4 win.
Bernie Levesque continues to pile up the goals for the Old Dawgs, firing in his 11th and 12th of the season, and then netting the game winner in the shootout. Defenseman Steve DeToro put in his third, while the artist formerly known as "Jelly" got his first.
Jelly (artist rendering)
Goalie Al Sterner ran his shutout streak to five periods, and then collapsed like a chubby house of cards in the third, giving up a whopping four goals. But he did regroup in the shootout, saving all four shots he faced. The victory, though, was a little hollow for the husky veteran, because his team should have claimed all three points given for a regulation win, instead of the lousy two for a shootout victory.
Sterner-third period
As has been the case for most of the season, the Old Dawgs were missing some key players for this important contest. Those players included league leading scorer Tito Pijanowski (suspended-anger issues), Eddie Cribbs (groin injury/pussy), Ron Mulso (out of town-business), Dave Chamberlain (out of town-gay), and Chris Courtiol (in France, so exceptionally gay).
But the remaining 10 skaters were ready to go, and it looked for the first half of the game like nobody was ever going to score a goal. These were the top two defensive teams in the league, and it showed as both teams were having a hard time getting quality shots.
But DeToro finally broke the ice halfway through the second, taking a centering feed from Old Dawgs captain and former rectal ranger Marty Richardson, and tucking the puck through the pads of Coyotes goalie Ted Cetaruk.
That precarious 1-0 lead held up until the beginning of the final stanza, but then the Coyotes Steve Tautz got loose on a breakaway, and beat Sterner like a bass drum to even the score. But a minute later, "Jelly" took the puck from his defensive zone, skated down the ice and lifted the puck over Cetaruk to restore the Old Dawgs' lead.
Three minutes later, the Coyotes would level the contest again, when substitute player and league president John Ling found a loose puck in front of the Dawgs net, and fired it low, past Sterner's stick side and into the cage.
Thirty seconds later, it was Levesque's turn to give the Old Dawgs the lead back, when he converted a nice centering pass from Richardson. Then three minutes after that, he made it 4-2 with his 12th of the year, off of an assist by new Old Dawg Mike Wimmer. It was Wimmer's first point as a member of Dawg Nation.
Levesque now leads the league in goals, passing Pijanowski, but still is waiting for his elusive first assist. Of course, his chances will improve vastly when he attempts his elusive first pass. If and when he finally gets that helper, he will catch his goalie Sterner, who has led Levesque in that category for the past seven weeks.
So the Old Dawgs had their first two goal lead of the game with seven minutes left. Game over, right? Wrong. Just twenty seconds after Levesque's last goal, Tautz brought his team back to within a single marker, converting a rebound when Sterner couldn't control the first shot that hit him in one of his man-boobs. Then a minute later, Tautz completed his hat trick by undressing Sterner on a breakaway, and all of a sudden it was a brand new game.
In the space of ten minutes, a very tight, low scoring game had turned into a wide open barnburner. Seven goals were scored in that span, and both goalies, who were used to giving up around two per game, were fishing the puck out their net with shocking regularity. But things quieted down in the last five minutes, and no more goals were scored, so the two teams headed for a very important shootout. The winner would have sole possession of first place.
The first three shooters for both sides were unable to tally, as Sterner finally found a way to solve Tautz, who went third for the Coyotes. Who would captain Richardson send out next?
Paging monsieur Bernie Levesque...
Levesque, who had success earlier against Cetaruk, made his patented move, skating to the front of the net, deking to his backhand, and then lifting the puck over Cetaruk and into the top of the goal.
That terrific move needs its own name, so from now on, it will be referred to as, "The French Tickler".
No, not that kind...but the colors are French, at least
Now, all Sterner had to do was stop one more Coyotes shooter, and the extra point would go to the Old Dawgs. Sterner skated way out of his crease to challenge Matt McCoy, and when McCoy tried to make his move around Sterner, the puck rolled off his stick. Game over.
The Old Dawgs have one more game before they all celebrate Kwanzaa, and it will be this Thursday night against B&K Supply. Game time will be 7:15.
In other Dawgs news:
This week doctors discovered why Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque never passes the puck. Tragically, he is afflicted with a rare French disease known as Chunnel Vision.
Get it? French...Chunnel? Okay, they can't all be gems. Fuck off.
Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol missed last week's game in order to visit his family in France. But even though he was far away, hockey was still on his mind.
Mon Dieu...
This week Dawgs defenseman/forward/you never really fuckin' know Tito Pijanowski went to anger management therapy as part of his SDOHL suspension. But just six minutes minutes into the session, the doctor said the wrong thing, and, you know...
Might need another appointment or two...
Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs continues to be hobbled by a groin injury, which was caused by a gruesome masturbation accident. On the plus side, it has done wonders for other parts of his body.
Cribbs
Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks discovered this week that dressing and acting retarded is a great new way to pick up women.
Jesus tap dancin' Christ, Wilksie...
This week marked the return of Old Dawgs defenseman Nigel Richardson, who has been working in South Dakota for the past several months. Brother of Dawgs captain Marty and an expert chef, Richardson was in charge of all meals at a very exclusive hunting resort. Going the extra mile to please his clients, at the end of the day he still found time to drain their testicles by any method they chose. Now, that's service.
The Richardson brothers (combined height-6'9")
Friday, December 10, 2010
Getting a Rush in South Dakota
So last week my wife Annie and I had to drive up to Rapid City, South Dakota to attend my aunt's funeral. She was almost 84 and she always treated me great when I was a kid, so I was more than happy to drive the 400 miles to pay my respects. Just a terrific lady.
The service was Friday afternoon, so we had the evening free before we came back home Saturday morning. My younger brother and sister had come for the funeral as well, so I imagined we would be hanging out at the hotel, drinking beer and telling stories like we always do.
Well, it turns out that my step-cousin Barry Peterson is a part owner of the Rapid City Rush, which competes in the Central Hockey League. For those of you from around Denver, they compete in the same league as the Colorado Eagles- if it were baseball, it would be considered AA level. It's two steps from The Show.
So during the reception after the service Friday afternoon, Barry asked us if we would like to go the the game that evening- his team was playing against the Quad City Mallards in the first of a weekend series ("Quad City" is a group of towns in Eastern Illinois and Southern Iowa, in case you were wondering- I had to look it up).
If you don't know how I answered that question, then you need to read this blog more often. Hockey game? Just tell me where and when- you bet your ass I'm there. So Barry made a phone call and hooked us up with some seats, and we made plans to head on down to the Rushmore Plaza Civic Center.
Kids, I've been going to hockey games since 1975, starting with the old Colorado Rockies when they first got into the NHL. I was a season ticket holder with the Colorado Avalanche, and I was actually at game seven in 2001 when Ray Bourque finally won his cup. I've been to hundreds and hundreds of games at all levels.
But you know what? I can't remember the last time I had this much fun at a hockey game.
It started an hour before the opening faceoff. There is a Holiday Inn right in the same parking lot as the arena, and they have $2 beers in their courtyard and bar before every Rush contest. So we drove down there, and it was just a sea of humanity inside the hotel. There were tons of people, and most of them were wearing their red and white team jerseys, jackets, and hats. It was like a tailgate party, only indoors. And they were really fired up for the game.
All this intensity for minor league hockey? No shit? I had been to several games of the Rocky Mountain Rage (same CHL league as the Rush) before they went tits up last year, and it was never anything like this. It was fun, but it certainly wasn't the event they were putting on in Rapid.
About 15 minutes before game time, we walked across the parking lot, and into the arena. The Civic Center holds around 5000, and it was already filled almost to capacity. Barry tells me that they sell out most of the time, especially after the holidays. And I was about to find out why.
Boys and girls, the show that the Rush organization puts on during a game rivals anything I've ever seen in the NHL. Starting with the player introductions, the presentation is absolutely top shelf. The music is just the right combination of new and old, and really serves the purpose of keeping the crowd fired up during the game.
They had fun activities between periods. That night, after the first, they had a race between two guys driving those scooters that old people use. Can't say I've ever seen that before, and it showed a lot of imagination.
Then after the second, they had a deal where you could buy foam rubber pucks, and when they gave the signal, you threw them on the ice, and the one who came closest to the center dot would win a prize. I think there is a technique to that, because I ended up throwing like old people screw, which is badly. Not even close, but it sure was fun.
Myself, I was kind of hoping for the guys in the big sumo outfits that play and try to knock each other down. That kills me every time- I see on their website that they've done it before.
See? That can't help but be funny
Now, here's a source of a running argument between Annie and myself. They had cheerleaders (the Rushettes), which she doesn't think belongs in hockey. I respectfully disagree- anything that serves to keep the crowd entertained, especially during timeouts, is fine by me. I was fascinated at how they kept their routines coordinated, because it changed every time they would play a different song before faceoffs. Plus, you know, there's this...
Yeah-that's hockey right there...
And here was my favorite part of the evening. Quad City scored early to take the lead, and then about two minutes later, Rapid City put in a shot from the point to tie things up. Right after the puck hit the back of the net, it started raining stuffed animals on the ice. Kids, I'm talking about hundreds of stuffed toys coming in from all parts of the arena. The ice was literally covered with the things.
I looked at Annie and yelled, "What the hell is happening?" A lady behind me, wearing full Rush gear and whom I assumed was a season ticket holder, told me that every year they have a toy drive for the needy kids in the area. Everybody brings a stuffed animal, and when the Rush scores that first goal, that's the way they collect the toys.
You should have seen it. I don't know if it's because I wasn't expecting it, but honest to God, it may have been the coolest thing I've ever seen at a hockey game. And like I said, I watched Ray Bourque get his Stanley Cup. I'm getting goose bumps just writing about it now.
As for the game itself, the level of play was solid. The intensity of the crowd had to help, because both teams were busting their ass out there. It was a wide open, very attractive contest. And the fans were eating it up- I can't even imagine what it must be like in there when the playoffs start.
Late in the third, the Mallards scored on a power play to take a 4-3 lead, and things were looking grim for the home side. The Rush pulled their goalie for an extra attacker, and had the puck in the Quad City zone. With less than 10 seconds left, the puck got dropped back to a Rapid City defenseman, and he ripped a shot that sniped the top corner of the net. Tie game.
Tell you what- the friggin' roof about came off the joint. I didn't have any stake in this game, and I didn't know any of the players, but I found myself jumping around like a little kid, and high fiving everyone in sight. I was that caught up in the atmosphere.
They ended up going into overtime, and unfortunately the Rush lost in a shootout. But the thing that I'll remember about the end is that starting with a minute left in the game, and going all the way through the shootout, which was probably a total of 15-20 minutes, nobody in the arena sat down. Not once. And the part that kept coming back to me was that it was a regular season game in early December, not a crucial game late in the season.
I've been to some Avalanche games recently, and I think because they charge so damn much for tickets, regular hockey fans can't afford to go anymore. That's why even on the rare occasions when they have a decent sized crowd, there is a different feel now. Honestly, it's like going to the freaking library. There isn't the excitement that I discovered in South Dakota for a lousy 17 bucks per seat.
Barry, thanks to you and your fans for showing me again what going to a hockey game should be all about. You have a terrific organization, and I can't wait to do it again.
The service was Friday afternoon, so we had the evening free before we came back home Saturday morning. My younger brother and sister had come for the funeral as well, so I imagined we would be hanging out at the hotel, drinking beer and telling stories like we always do.
Well, it turns out that my step-cousin Barry Peterson is a part owner of the Rapid City Rush, which competes in the Central Hockey League. For those of you from around Denver, they compete in the same league as the Colorado Eagles- if it were baseball, it would be considered AA level. It's two steps from The Show.
So during the reception after the service Friday afternoon, Barry asked us if we would like to go the the game that evening- his team was playing against the Quad City Mallards in the first of a weekend series ("Quad City" is a group of towns in Eastern Illinois and Southern Iowa, in case you were wondering- I had to look it up).
If you don't know how I answered that question, then you need to read this blog more often. Hockey game? Just tell me where and when- you bet your ass I'm there. So Barry made a phone call and hooked us up with some seats, and we made plans to head on down to the Rushmore Plaza Civic Center.
Kids, I've been going to hockey games since 1975, starting with the old Colorado Rockies when they first got into the NHL. I was a season ticket holder with the Colorado Avalanche, and I was actually at game seven in 2001 when Ray Bourque finally won his cup. I've been to hundreds and hundreds of games at all levels.
But you know what? I can't remember the last time I had this much fun at a hockey game.
It started an hour before the opening faceoff. There is a Holiday Inn right in the same parking lot as the arena, and they have $2 beers in their courtyard and bar before every Rush contest. So we drove down there, and it was just a sea of humanity inside the hotel. There were tons of people, and most of them were wearing their red and white team jerseys, jackets, and hats. It was like a tailgate party, only indoors. And they were really fired up for the game.
All this intensity for minor league hockey? No shit? I had been to several games of the Rocky Mountain Rage (same CHL league as the Rush) before they went tits up last year, and it was never anything like this. It was fun, but it certainly wasn't the event they were putting on in Rapid.
About 15 minutes before game time, we walked across the parking lot, and into the arena. The Civic Center holds around 5000, and it was already filled almost to capacity. Barry tells me that they sell out most of the time, especially after the holidays. And I was about to find out why.
Boys and girls, the show that the Rush organization puts on during a game rivals anything I've ever seen in the NHL. Starting with the player introductions, the presentation is absolutely top shelf. The music is just the right combination of new and old, and really serves the purpose of keeping the crowd fired up during the game.
They had fun activities between periods. That night, after the first, they had a race between two guys driving those scooters that old people use. Can't say I've ever seen that before, and it showed a lot of imagination.
Then after the second, they had a deal where you could buy foam rubber pucks, and when they gave the signal, you threw them on the ice, and the one who came closest to the center dot would win a prize. I think there is a technique to that, because I ended up throwing like old people screw, which is badly. Not even close, but it sure was fun.
Myself, I was kind of hoping for the guys in the big sumo outfits that play and try to knock each other down. That kills me every time- I see on their website that they've done it before.
See? That can't help but be funny
Now, here's a source of a running argument between Annie and myself. They had cheerleaders (the Rushettes), which she doesn't think belongs in hockey. I respectfully disagree- anything that serves to keep the crowd entertained, especially during timeouts, is fine by me. I was fascinated at how they kept their routines coordinated, because it changed every time they would play a different song before faceoffs. Plus, you know, there's this...
Yeah-that's hockey right there...
And here was my favorite part of the evening. Quad City scored early to take the lead, and then about two minutes later, Rapid City put in a shot from the point to tie things up. Right after the puck hit the back of the net, it started raining stuffed animals on the ice. Kids, I'm talking about hundreds of stuffed toys coming in from all parts of the arena. The ice was literally covered with the things.
I looked at Annie and yelled, "What the hell is happening?" A lady behind me, wearing full Rush gear and whom I assumed was a season ticket holder, told me that every year they have a toy drive for the needy kids in the area. Everybody brings a stuffed animal, and when the Rush scores that first goal, that's the way they collect the toys.
You should have seen it. I don't know if it's because I wasn't expecting it, but honest to God, it may have been the coolest thing I've ever seen at a hockey game. And like I said, I watched Ray Bourque get his Stanley Cup. I'm getting goose bumps just writing about it now.
As for the game itself, the level of play was solid. The intensity of the crowd had to help, because both teams were busting their ass out there. It was a wide open, very attractive contest. And the fans were eating it up- I can't even imagine what it must be like in there when the playoffs start.
Late in the third, the Mallards scored on a power play to take a 4-3 lead, and things were looking grim for the home side. The Rush pulled their goalie for an extra attacker, and had the puck in the Quad City zone. With less than 10 seconds left, the puck got dropped back to a Rapid City defenseman, and he ripped a shot that sniped the top corner of the net. Tie game.
Tell you what- the friggin' roof about came off the joint. I didn't have any stake in this game, and I didn't know any of the players, but I found myself jumping around like a little kid, and high fiving everyone in sight. I was that caught up in the atmosphere.
They ended up going into overtime, and unfortunately the Rush lost in a shootout. But the thing that I'll remember about the end is that starting with a minute left in the game, and going all the way through the shootout, which was probably a total of 15-20 minutes, nobody in the arena sat down. Not once. And the part that kept coming back to me was that it was a regular season game in early December, not a crucial game late in the season.
I've been to some Avalanche games recently, and I think because they charge so damn much for tickets, regular hockey fans can't afford to go anymore. That's why even on the rare occasions when they have a decent sized crowd, there is a different feel now. Honestly, it's like going to the freaking library. There isn't the excitement that I discovered in South Dakota for a lousy 17 bucks per seat.
Barry, thanks to you and your fans for showing me again what going to a hockey game should be all about. You have a terrific organization, and I can't wait to do it again.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Old Dawgs Still On Top After 6-0 Win
Five weeks ago, the Old Dawgs were forced to play Team Yellow with just seven skaters, and while they battled gamely, they wore down in the third period, eventually losing by a 3-2 score.
And last Thursday, it looked like history might possibly repeat itself. When the puck dropped, there were only nine, which could have spelled disaster once again, considering that the combined age of that group is 647.
But things went much better this time. Nine eventually became 10, and the late game fade never happened, as the Old Dawgs rolled to a convincing 6-0 victory.
Bernie Levesque, who has been battling a tough combination of a nagging groin injury and being French, came through huge for his squad with a three goal chapeau trick. Brother-in-law Chris Courtiol added two goals and an assist, and played a terrific defensive game, while forward Dave Chamberlain ripped in his third of the year, and played his best overall game of the season.
Goalie Al Sterner faced only 14 shots, with just a few being dangerous, to pick up his first shutout of this, or any other millenium.
The Old Dawgs got off to their customary great start, when Levesque sprung himself on a breakaway and beat Yellow goalie Vince Sciandra just under six minutes into the first period. The Dawgs have now scored the first goal in every game this season- hanging on to that lead has been the problem.
But Courtiol helped matters greatly before the end of the period, knocking in his second and third of the season. The second goal came off of a nice feed from John Theilen, who took the evening off from working with comedian Jeff Dunham.
Theilen, left
So the Dawgs were cruising at 3-0 going into the second period, and things got even better 21 seconds in when Levesque cashed in his second of the night, with Courtiol picking up the helper. And then when Chamberlain found the net with a laser shot from the point before the end of the frame, the good guys had a lead that even they couldn't give away.
Things can get ugly when a team leads by five goals, even in the old fart league. And ugly it became with nine minutes left, when Team Yellow's Greg Klaas was called for holding the stick of Old Dawgs sort of defenseman Tito Pijanowski. The problem was that even after the whistle, Klaas wouldn' release Pijanowski's stick, resulting in Pijanowski dragging Klaas around the ice, and giving him an amateur apendectomy, twisting the stick until he finally let loose.
The referee decided to penalize both players, resulting in a very unhappy Polish Prince. Pijanowski slammed the penalty box door, and then slammed in again. And then slammed it again. It was then that Mr. Referee invited Pijanowski to hit the bricks, giving him a game misconduct penalty that will keep him out of this week's important contest against the Coyotes.
But Tito wasn't quite done. He did leave the ice, but not before skating to the Team Yellow bench and threatening the life of poor forward Michelle Bean, who promptly soiled her Depends.
He really frightened her...
Then with six minutes left, defenseman Courtiol was taken hard into the boards by Team Yellow forward Mario Lopez. This was the second consecutive game against the Old Dawgs that Lopez had delivered an unnecessary check, putting him into the early lead for the Bobby Norris Memorial Trophy for being the league's biggest dickhole.
Lopez
Courtiol, to his tremendous credit, skated away without retaliating. That restraint, along with scoring two goals, and even dropping down on defense to block several shots in front of Sterner, showed what an asset he has become this season as a new Dawg.
On the ensuing power play, Levesque completed his hat trick, and now has 10 goals on the campaign, tying him for the goal scoring lead with Tito Pijanowski. Those 10 goals, combined with all his assists, now give him a total of, well, 10 points. In fact, at press time his goalie has more assists than Levesque, which is the source of great joy for Al Sterner.
The Old Dawgs now play an important game Thursday night, when they face off against the Coyotes. The two teams are tied at the top of the SDOHL table with 16 points. Game time is 9:55.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Because the Old Dawgs played so well without them last week, Tuesday afternoon the team traded captain Marty Richardson, Eddie Cribbs and a six pack of Old Milwaukee to Touchstone Imaging. In return the Old Dawgs got multi-talented forward Kathleen Ziff.
Hope Touchstone doesn't change their mind...
Forward Eric Wilks also missed the game last week, going on vacation to a special place where he could wear a flowered bathing cap, swim and smoke at the same time without being judged. That special place....France.
That's really him...no shit
This week, because he has become a danger to himself, doctors have ordered Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol to wear a hockey helmet full time.
You look great, Rain Man...
As stated earlier, Dawgs captain and former dong recepticle Marty Richardson missed last week's game, opting instead to take his wife Cindy on a special anniversary trip to San Diego. But as usual, they ended up spending the entire weekend in Tijuana at the donkey shows. Saturday night, they enjoyed an exciting three way with their new friend Pablo.
One of them really enjoyed the size of Pablo's "member". So did Cindy.
And last Thursday, it looked like history might possibly repeat itself. When the puck dropped, there were only nine, which could have spelled disaster once again, considering that the combined age of that group is 647.
But things went much better this time. Nine eventually became 10, and the late game fade never happened, as the Old Dawgs rolled to a convincing 6-0 victory.
Bernie Levesque, who has been battling a tough combination of a nagging groin injury and being French, came through huge for his squad with a three goal chapeau trick. Brother-in-law Chris Courtiol added two goals and an assist, and played a terrific defensive game, while forward Dave Chamberlain ripped in his third of the year, and played his best overall game of the season.
Goalie Al Sterner faced only 14 shots, with just a few being dangerous, to pick up his first shutout of this, or any other millenium.
The Old Dawgs got off to their customary great start, when Levesque sprung himself on a breakaway and beat Yellow goalie Vince Sciandra just under six minutes into the first period. The Dawgs have now scored the first goal in every game this season- hanging on to that lead has been the problem.
But Courtiol helped matters greatly before the end of the period, knocking in his second and third of the season. The second goal came off of a nice feed from John Theilen, who took the evening off from working with comedian Jeff Dunham.
Theilen, left
So the Dawgs were cruising at 3-0 going into the second period, and things got even better 21 seconds in when Levesque cashed in his second of the night, with Courtiol picking up the helper. And then when Chamberlain found the net with a laser shot from the point before the end of the frame, the good guys had a lead that even they couldn't give away.
Things can get ugly when a team leads by five goals, even in the old fart league. And ugly it became with nine minutes left, when Team Yellow's Greg Klaas was called for holding the stick of Old Dawgs sort of defenseman Tito Pijanowski. The problem was that even after the whistle, Klaas wouldn' release Pijanowski's stick, resulting in Pijanowski dragging Klaas around the ice, and giving him an amateur apendectomy, twisting the stick until he finally let loose.
The referee decided to penalize both players, resulting in a very unhappy Polish Prince. Pijanowski slammed the penalty box door, and then slammed in again. And then slammed it again. It was then that Mr. Referee invited Pijanowski to hit the bricks, giving him a game misconduct penalty that will keep him out of this week's important contest against the Coyotes.
But Tito wasn't quite done. He did leave the ice, but not before skating to the Team Yellow bench and threatening the life of poor forward Michelle Bean, who promptly soiled her Depends.
He really frightened her...
Then with six minutes left, defenseman Courtiol was taken hard into the boards by Team Yellow forward Mario Lopez. This was the second consecutive game against the Old Dawgs that Lopez had delivered an unnecessary check, putting him into the early lead for the Bobby Norris Memorial Trophy for being the league's biggest dickhole.
Lopez
Courtiol, to his tremendous credit, skated away without retaliating. That restraint, along with scoring two goals, and even dropping down on defense to block several shots in front of Sterner, showed what an asset he has become this season as a new Dawg.
On the ensuing power play, Levesque completed his hat trick, and now has 10 goals on the campaign, tying him for the goal scoring lead with Tito Pijanowski. Those 10 goals, combined with all his assists, now give him a total of, well, 10 points. In fact, at press time his goalie has more assists than Levesque, which is the source of great joy for Al Sterner.
The Old Dawgs now play an important game Thursday night, when they face off against the Coyotes. The two teams are tied at the top of the SDOHL table with 16 points. Game time is 9:55.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Because the Old Dawgs played so well without them last week, Tuesday afternoon the team traded captain Marty Richardson, Eddie Cribbs and a six pack of Old Milwaukee to Touchstone Imaging. In return the Old Dawgs got multi-talented forward Kathleen Ziff.
Hope Touchstone doesn't change their mind...
Forward Eric Wilks also missed the game last week, going on vacation to a special place where he could wear a flowered bathing cap, swim and smoke at the same time without being judged. That special place....France.
That's really him...no shit
This week, because he has become a danger to himself, doctors have ordered Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol to wear a hockey helmet full time.
You look great, Rain Man...
As stated earlier, Dawgs captain and former dong recepticle Marty Richardson missed last week's game, opting instead to take his wife Cindy on a special anniversary trip to San Diego. But as usual, they ended up spending the entire weekend in Tijuana at the donkey shows. Saturday night, they enjoyed an exciting three way with their new friend Pablo.
One of them really enjoyed the size of Pablo's "member". So did Cindy.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Dawgs Hang On For 5th Straight
The Dawgs I squad made their way to the top of the EAHL standings last Tuesday night with their fifth consecutive win, a 7-6 squeaker over their good friends, Cobra Kai. The two teams are now tied for first with a 7-2 record, with both Cobra Kai losses coming at the hands of the Dawgs.
Young Josh Adams, who is still earning his degree, so for now is only a recreational butt doctor, continued his torrid scoring pace, netting four big goals. That gives him 11 in his last four games, and a total of 16 for the season.
Tyson Dale, who unselfishly dropped back to defense because of the absence of Tito Pijanowski, who is courageously battling an STD, still found a way to score twice, including a very unusual goal in the third period which proved to be the game winner. And rookie sensation Matt Chamberlain, playing in just his third game in a Dawgs uniform, got the other tally as the good guys held off a furious Cobra Kai rally for the victory.
Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, for the second consecutive week, was a shot stopping sonofabitch for two periods, and then tried to throw away the game in the last frame, surrendering four goals. But his teammates had just enough of a lead, so that even Sterner couldn't fuck the thing up.
Dale opened the scoring in the first, and then Adams quickly followed with two more, and the Dawgs were surprisingly up 3-0 at the end of the period. The reasons for the surprise were that Cobra Kai is the highest scoring team in the league, the Dawgs had only nine players when the game began, including only two regular defensemen, and standout player Dan Pham was in Chicago watching his younger and much more talented brother Tyler play in an important hockey tournament.
Young Pham
But Dale, along with middle brother Brandon Pham playing his first Dawgs game on defense, plus regulars Rick Zimmat and Mike Abdella, did a terrific job holding off the high scoring Cobra Kai attack.
You couldn't get a piece of spaghetti up there
But Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis made his game contribution by letting himself get smashed into the boards by Cobra Kai's Even Sanft, and the ensuing power play pretty much killed the rest of the time. Cobra Kai never got another serious shot, which was a good thing, because Sterner had both hands occupied, clutching his own throat.
He's a little taller than Sterner, too...
Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis missed last week's game, and this week the reason was discovered. Because of a recent dry spell, last Tuesday he was forced to slip a ruffie to an unexpecting girl, then take her home and make sweet, cadaver love to her for the customary 14 seconds.
You'd be more successful without the puberty beard, son...
Dawgs alumnus Mitchell Pijanowski scored a hat trick last week for his new junior team, the Yellowstone Quake. The team celebrated by having their way with the best looking woman in Cody, Wyoming.
Bummer for little Pij, far right. He drew number six...
Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio got drunk with his friend Jeff this week, and one thing led to another.
"Brad, can I at least get a good night kiss?" (Goddamn, I love Facebook...)
Last Tuesday night hundreds of dollars changed hands in the parking lot after the game, when young Dawgs star Josh Adams brought a very pretty girl named Sara to watch him score four goals. Most of his teammates had wagered that Adams' mind, heart and body belonged to another:
"You my bitch, Josh..."
Young Josh Adams, who is still earning his degree, so for now is only a recreational butt doctor, continued his torrid scoring pace, netting four big goals. That gives him 11 in his last four games, and a total of 16 for the season.
Tyson Dale, who unselfishly dropped back to defense because of the absence of Tito Pijanowski, who is courageously battling an STD, still found a way to score twice, including a very unusual goal in the third period which proved to be the game winner. And rookie sensation Matt Chamberlain, playing in just his third game in a Dawgs uniform, got the other tally as the good guys held off a furious Cobra Kai rally for the victory.
Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, for the second consecutive week, was a shot stopping sonofabitch for two periods, and then tried to throw away the game in the last frame, surrendering four goals. But his teammates had just enough of a lead, so that even Sterner couldn't fuck the thing up.
Dale opened the scoring in the first, and then Adams quickly followed with two more, and the Dawgs were surprisingly up 3-0 at the end of the period. The reasons for the surprise were that Cobra Kai is the highest scoring team in the league, the Dawgs had only nine players when the game began, including only two regular defensemen, and standout player Dan Pham was in Chicago watching his younger and much more talented brother Tyler play in an important hockey tournament.
Young Pham
But Dale, along with middle brother Brandon Pham playing his first Dawgs game on defense, plus regulars Rick Zimmat and Mike Abdella, did a terrific job holding off the high scoring Cobra Kai attack.
The Dawgs built the lead up to 5-0 by the halfway mark of the second period, when Chamberlain scored a pretty goal, and Adams banged in his third. But towards the end of the middle session, Cobra Kai found their touch, and put two behind Sterner to make it 5-2. Against Cobra Kai, who can score in bunches, that was not a safe lead at all.
Adams stuffed in his fourth early in the final stanza to make it again a four goal margin, and things were looking a little better. It was discovered after the game that Adams had some inspiration in the audience- more on that later.
Then, around five minutes into the third, the Dawgs were killing a penalty, when Tyson Dale cleared the puck from his goal line all the way down the ice. The puck was rolling on its side, and Cobra Kai keeper Jeff Yerks came out of his net to play it to a teammate. Just as it got to Yerks, the puck took a quick left turn, rolled past Yerks' stick, and somehow made its way into the Cobra Kai goal.
The freakish, 200 foot goal made it 7-2, and game over, right? Not so fast...
Cobra Kai scored after a goalmouth scramble with around seven minutes left, and then Tom DiNardo rifled a shot that beat Sterner to his glove side to make matters 7-4. DiNardo got another from close range with about four minutes left, and then Greg Garmen fired a low shot through a screen that Sterner got a piece of, but only enough to deflect it into the upper corner of his own net. 7-2 turned to 7-6 in a big old hurry, and there were still two minutes left.
Sterner was officially leaking oil, and starting to show some subtle signs of pressure.
You couldn't get a piece of spaghetti up there
But Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis made his game contribution by letting himself get smashed into the boards by Cobra Kai's Even Sanft, and the ensuing power play pretty much killed the rest of the time. Cobra Kai never got another serious shot, which was a good thing, because Sterner had both hands occupied, clutching his own throat.
It doesn't get much easier this week, when the Dawgs face off against the Nooks at 9:30. The teams split their first two meetings this season, with the Dawgs coming out on top last time, winning a shootout.
In other Dawgs news:
Because of goalie Al Sterner's recent third period struggles, this week Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed a young closer that will play the final 15 minutes.
He's a little taller than Sterner, too...
Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis missed last week's game, and this week the reason was discovered. Because of a recent dry spell, last Tuesday he was forced to slip a ruffie to an unexpecting girl, then take her home and make sweet, cadaver love to her for the customary 14 seconds.
You'd be more successful without the puberty beard, son...
Dawgs alumnus Mitchell Pijanowski scored a hat trick last week for his new junior team, the Yellowstone Quake. The team celebrated by having their way with the best looking woman in Cody, Wyoming.
Bummer for little Pij, far right. He drew number six...
Dawgs forward/defenseman Brad Stabio got drunk with his friend Jeff this week, and one thing led to another.
"Brad, can I at least get a good night kiss?" (Goddamn, I love Facebook...)
Last Tuesday night hundreds of dollars changed hands in the parking lot after the game, when young Dawgs star Josh Adams brought a very pretty girl named Sara to watch him score four goals. Most of his teammates had wagered that Adams' mind, heart and body belonged to another:
"You my bitch, Josh..."
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Dakota Ridge Wins!
In the last couple of weeks, a whole bunch of my fellow degenerates out there took the American Family Insurance safe driving pledge to help Dakota Ridge High School in their quest to win enough money for a new crosswalk. And I'm happy to report that when all the counting was done Wednesday night, the Mighty Eagles finished on top, and will get their much needed crosswalk.
They actually fell out of the lead as late as Wednesday afternoon, but fueled by a late surge, including some frantic activity from my Dawg Nation brothers and sisters, they jumped back to the top and won going away by around 700 pledges. This is a terrific win for Dakota Ridge principal and Dawgs hockey player Jim Jelinek, and proves how much can be accomplished by a small group of dedicated people.
Here's Jelly- he never looks this good. Must be an old photo.
I could tell by the traffic feed on the right side of my blog that a lot of you fine people linked over and filled out the form. Well kids, it might be this year, or it might be 10 years from now, but you helped save a life by taking a minute to do that, and I can't express to you how much I appreciate it.
Take a bow, Dakota Ridge Eagles, Dawg Nation, and both of my regular readers. You did a good thing.
They actually fell out of the lead as late as Wednesday afternoon, but fueled by a late surge, including some frantic activity from my Dawg Nation brothers and sisters, they jumped back to the top and won going away by around 700 pledges. This is a terrific win for Dakota Ridge principal and Dawgs hockey player Jim Jelinek, and proves how much can be accomplished by a small group of dedicated people.
Here's Jelly- he never looks this good. Must be an old photo.
I could tell by the traffic feed on the right side of my blog that a lot of you fine people linked over and filled out the form. Well kids, it might be this year, or it might be 10 years from now, but you helped save a life by taking a minute to do that, and I can't express to you how much I appreciate it.
Take a bow, Dakota Ridge Eagles, Dawg Nation, and both of my regular readers. You did a good thing.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Take The Pledge and Help Save Lives!
I'm wondering if I can ask a favor from you thousands of people from all over the USA and the world that for some reason frequent my silly website.
A short time ago a high school kid in our area was severely injured because there was no crosswalk at a very dangerous intersection near the school. The principal of that school, Dakota Ridge in Littleton, Colorado, happens to be a proud member of Dawg Nation, and he needs our help.
There is currently a contest going on with American Family Insurance, where if you fill out a quick form online, the high school with the most hits will win $15,000 to use as they wish. WalMart has also pledged an additional $15K, so they would have enough to build that much needed crosswalk.
Like most school systems in the country, budget cuts are kicking our ass right now, so this is the only way that the crosswalk can get built.
Here's the happy part: It doesn't cost you a penny and nobody will bug you if you don't want them to. It takes about a minute to fill out the form, and you're all done. Here's the link:
http://www.teensafedriverpledge.com/
It's really easy- just make sure you click on Dakota Ridge High School when you come to that option. That way they will be credited with the hit.
Kids, they are ahead right now, but we really need a good finish to make sure they get the bucks. Is one minute of your time worth it if it even saves one kid from getting hurt?
You bet your ass it is.
So go do it right now, then come back, and I'll tell you some more dirty jokes. I don't ask much from you guys, but this is a biggie, okay?
Thanks, boys and girls- you're chubby little pal appreciates it.
A short time ago a high school kid in our area was severely injured because there was no crosswalk at a very dangerous intersection near the school. The principal of that school, Dakota Ridge in Littleton, Colorado, happens to be a proud member of Dawg Nation, and he needs our help.
There is currently a contest going on with American Family Insurance, where if you fill out a quick form online, the high school with the most hits will win $15,000 to use as they wish. WalMart has also pledged an additional $15K, so they would have enough to build that much needed crosswalk.
Like most school systems in the country, budget cuts are kicking our ass right now, so this is the only way that the crosswalk can get built.
Here's the happy part: It doesn't cost you a penny and nobody will bug you if you don't want them to. It takes about a minute to fill out the form, and you're all done. Here's the link:
http://www.teensafedriverpledge.com/
It's really easy- just make sure you click on Dakota Ridge High School when you come to that option. That way they will be credited with the hit.
Kids, they are ahead right now, but we really need a good finish to make sure they get the bucks. Is one minute of your time worth it if it even saves one kid from getting hurt?
You bet your ass it is.
So go do it right now, then come back, and I'll tell you some more dirty jokes. I don't ask much from you guys, but this is a biggie, okay?
Thanks, boys and girls- you're chubby little pal appreciates it.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Old Dawgs Put Down, 3-1
In the first game of the SDOHL season, the Old Dawgs played the Llamas, and found it fairly easy to score goals. They took a total of 22 shots, and lit the lamp eight times in an eventual 8-4 romp.
Well, things weren't quite as easy the second time around.
Last Tuesday night, despite getting a higher number of shots, the boys were only able to find the Llamas net once, and skated away on the wrong end 3-1 deficit. The loss moved the Old Dawgs down to a tie for second place in the very heavily congested SDOHL standings.
The difference Tuesday night was substitute goalkeeper Tim Kmetz, who at age 36 could be the son of many of the Old Dawgs players. Coming from the highly competitive Tuesday night Edge Adult Hockey League, Kmetz was solid in the Llamas net, turning away everything except a first period breakaway from Old Dawgs French import Bernie Levesque.
On the other end of the ice, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner surrendered two first period goals, and that turned out to be enough to send the good guys to their third defeat in the last four games. But because of the parity of the new SDOHL, a 3-3 record with a shootout loss is good enough to be only one point out of first place.
Things looked good early for the Old Dawgs, as they got off to their customary lead. In fact, the Dawgs have scored the first goal in every game this season. The contest wasn't two minutes old before Levesque received an outlet pass from Dawgs captain and former fudge excavator Marty Richardson, skated in alone, and tucked the puck past Kmetz to open the scoring. Nobody knew it at the time, but that would be the last time they would penetrate the Llamas goal for the evening.
The Llamas answered a couple of minutes later, when Mike Lapp received a pass in front of the Dawgs net, and found the Eisenhower Tunnel that is Sterner's five-hole to level the score.
It's about this big
Then around 10 minutes into the first frame, the Llamas caught the Dawgs changing players with the puck in their own zone, and made them pay with the eventual winning goal. Tom Ouellete slid the puck over to a wide open Steve Kerr, who was camped out in front of Sterner's net. Sterner slid over in his patented Gump Worsley two-pad stack, but Kerr, with all the time in the world, calmly moved the puck to his right, and shot it past the Old Dawgs keeper, who was flopping on the ice like a chubby mackerel.
Sterner, left
And amazingly, that would be it for the scoring, until Ouelette deposited the puck into an empty Dawgs goal with less than a minute remaining, after Sterner had been pulled for an extra attacker. But the low scoring wasn't for lack of shots- the Llamas put 30 on Sterner's goal during the game, while the Old Dawgs fired 27 at Kmetz.
It was just one of thise nights where the puck wasn't going in for the Dawgs, and there really wasn't anyone to blame. Well, perhaps one could blame SDOHL leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who failed to find the net for the first time this season.
Pijanowski
The Dawgs will try to get back to winning ways tonight, when they play Touchstone Imaging, featuring former Dawg Ben Ziff and his mesmerizing Jew-Fro. Game time is set for 9:55, but will probably go off at around 12:15.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks got a new job this week. All of Dawg Nation wishes him well in his new endeavor.
Wilksie
Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque was forced to leave the game last week, after mildly straining his groin. Levesque wanted to go on, but being French, his groin surrendered.
"Deutschland! Deutschland!"
Because of his performance in last week's game, defenseman Tito Pijanowski signed a promotional contract to represent an appropriate company.
"Tito no make score..."
Before the game last Tuesday night, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson saw teammate Eddie Cribbs without any clothes, and it couldn't help but have an adverse effect on the rest of his game:
"I'll never eat Vienna sausages again..."
Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's prayers were answered this week, when he took a break to enjoy a midday snack.
"It satisfies two appetites at once! It's a miracle! There is a God!"
Well, things weren't quite as easy the second time around.
Last Tuesday night, despite getting a higher number of shots, the boys were only able to find the Llamas net once, and skated away on the wrong end 3-1 deficit. The loss moved the Old Dawgs down to a tie for second place in the very heavily congested SDOHL standings.
The difference Tuesday night was substitute goalkeeper Tim Kmetz, who at age 36 could be the son of many of the Old Dawgs players. Coming from the highly competitive Tuesday night Edge Adult Hockey League, Kmetz was solid in the Llamas net, turning away everything except a first period breakaway from Old Dawgs French import Bernie Levesque.
On the other end of the ice, Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner surrendered two first period goals, and that turned out to be enough to send the good guys to their third defeat in the last four games. But because of the parity of the new SDOHL, a 3-3 record with a shootout loss is good enough to be only one point out of first place.
Things looked good early for the Old Dawgs, as they got off to their customary lead. In fact, the Dawgs have scored the first goal in every game this season. The contest wasn't two minutes old before Levesque received an outlet pass from Dawgs captain and former fudge excavator Marty Richardson, skated in alone, and tucked the puck past Kmetz to open the scoring. Nobody knew it at the time, but that would be the last time they would penetrate the Llamas goal for the evening.
The Llamas answered a couple of minutes later, when Mike Lapp received a pass in front of the Dawgs net, and found the Eisenhower Tunnel that is Sterner's five-hole to level the score.
It's about this big
Then around 10 minutes into the first frame, the Llamas caught the Dawgs changing players with the puck in their own zone, and made them pay with the eventual winning goal. Tom Ouellete slid the puck over to a wide open Steve Kerr, who was camped out in front of Sterner's net. Sterner slid over in his patented Gump Worsley two-pad stack, but Kerr, with all the time in the world, calmly moved the puck to his right, and shot it past the Old Dawgs keeper, who was flopping on the ice like a chubby mackerel.
Sterner, left
And amazingly, that would be it for the scoring, until Ouelette deposited the puck into an empty Dawgs goal with less than a minute remaining, after Sterner had been pulled for an extra attacker. But the low scoring wasn't for lack of shots- the Llamas put 30 on Sterner's goal during the game, while the Old Dawgs fired 27 at Kmetz.
It was just one of thise nights where the puck wasn't going in for the Dawgs, and there really wasn't anyone to blame. Well, perhaps one could blame SDOHL leading scorer Tito Pijanowski, who failed to find the net for the first time this season.
Pijanowski
The Dawgs will try to get back to winning ways tonight, when they play Touchstone Imaging, featuring former Dawg Ben Ziff and his mesmerizing Jew-Fro. Game time is set for 9:55, but will probably go off at around 12:15.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks got a new job this week. All of Dawg Nation wishes him well in his new endeavor.
Wilksie
Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque was forced to leave the game last week, after mildly straining his groin. Levesque wanted to go on, but being French, his groin surrendered.
"Deutschland! Deutschland!"
Because of his performance in last week's game, defenseman Tito Pijanowski signed a promotional contract to represent an appropriate company.
"Tito no make score..."
Before the game last Tuesday night, Dawgs captain Marty Richardson saw teammate Eddie Cribbs without any clothes, and it couldn't help but have an adverse effect on the rest of his game:
"I'll never eat Vienna sausages again..."
Dawgs captain Marty Richardson's prayers were answered this week, when he took a break to enjoy a midday snack.
"It satisfies two appetites at once! It's a miracle! There is a God!"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Old Dawgs Back On Track With 7-1 Win
Well, that's a little more like it.
After dropping their last two games, the first by one goal after skating most of the game with seven players, and the second in a ten round shootout, the Old Dawgs got back to their good form last Tuesday night, slapping around first place B&K Supply, 7-1.
The convincing victory puts the Old Dawgs back up to the top of the table with 10 points, where they share first place with the Coyotes. B&K slips back to third with nine, and the Llamas hold fourth with seven in a very tight SDOHL.
Polish wonder and former sex kitten Tito Pijanowski continued his torrid pace to the winter season, when he picked up a huge six point night. His two goals and four assists are an SDOHL record. The league is only five weeks old, but still...
Pijanowski, with perfectly coordinated socks. If you're a Polack...
Eddie Cribbs and Bernie Levesque also scored two goals each for the good guys, and defenseman Chris Courtiol celebrated his return from league mandated anger management classes to add a goal and an assist.
And for the first time this season, goalie Al Sterner played like he had actually worn ice skates before, turning aside 17 of 18 shots. He might have even picked up a shutout, except...well, more on that later.
The first period began like most of the Old Dawgs games this season- they scored the first two goals. Courtiol got one just past the two minute mark off an assist from Eric Wilks, and then Cribbs got his first of the night from John Theilen and Pijanowski at 17:15.
But as had become the pattern in the past couple of games, the Old Dawgs slowed down the pace in the second period, and their lead was cut in half around 10 minutes in when B&K's John Hax beat Sterner on a breakaway.
Sterner got a little unlucky on the goal, because he stayed with Hax's deke and got his right pad on the shot. But the puck bounced off the top of the pad, and floated into the goal. This piece of bad fortune of course was inevitable, because a certain Old Dawgs player mentioned the dreaded "S word" (shutout) to Sterner at the end of the first period, breaking a well known hockey rule.
Who was that offending player? Why, it was French bastard Bernie Levesque.
Levesque
So the Old Dawgs were still up by one heading to the third, but needed some more goals to avoid their third straight week of coming from ahead to lose. They needed a spark. But where would it come from?
Would it be this guy?
Dave Chamberlain? What, are you fuckin' kidding me?
Oh, dear God no. It was the "Goalie's Kiss of Death", monsieur Bernie Levesque.
Levesque more than made up for his "shutout" gaffe, when just a minute into the final stanza, he gathered the puck in the neutral zone, made a great move, and broke in alone on B&K goalie Dave Maney. He deked to his backhand, and easily tucked it in behind Maney to double the Old Dawgs lead.
Then just three minutes later, he received a great pass from Wilks, and broke again into the B&K zone at full speed. Skating as though he was being chased by the Third Reich, he made the same move on Maney, and got the same result. That made it 4-1, and pretty much game over.
Tito Pijanowski found a burst of energy a minute later, and scored on one of his patented end-to-end surges to increase to Old Dawgs lead to four, and then three minutes later, did the same thing to make it 6-1. Watching him carry the puck with such grace and finesse, it reminded some observers of former Boston Bruin great Bobby Orr. Of course, that would be if Orr was uglier, less intelligent, sported a porn mustache, was really Polish, and in a coma.
Holy shit, they shouldn't even be in the same picture
The Old Dawgs got their only real scare about midway through the third, when B&K took a shot that Sterner saved, but then had two good chances to score on the rebound, as the puck sat right on the goal line. But a Dawgs defenseman that would prefer not to be identified, mainly because he's a school principal and it's not very good for the career to be on a blogsite that features dick jokes, twice cleared the puck off the line with his hand, saving Sterner from any further damage. Let's just call said defenseman "Jelly".
Jelly, incognito
Eddie Cribbs closed the scoring (there's something you usually don't see in a sentence) five minutes before the end, when he one-timed a great pass from Pijanowski past Maney, and into the top of the net. For Cribbs, it was his third goal of the season, beating his previous record by, well...three.
The Old Dawgs, having now played everyone in the league, take on the Llamas for the second time this Tuesday night at 8:35.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Dawgs forward John Theilen continues to show no signs of the hepatitis that he battled for the past year.
Well, maybe a little sign...
Because of his strong performance last Tuesday night, after the game Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol scored his first hockey groupie.
I hear she gives good beak...
Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to be out of last week's game because he had an important meeting with his encounter group, Sex Without Partners. He was not missed, except possibly for his talents in the locker room after the contest.
He can stay like that for hours...
After dropping their last two games, the first by one goal after skating most of the game with seven players, and the second in a ten round shootout, the Old Dawgs got back to their good form last Tuesday night, slapping around first place B&K Supply, 7-1.
The convincing victory puts the Old Dawgs back up to the top of the table with 10 points, where they share first place with the Coyotes. B&K slips back to third with nine, and the Llamas hold fourth with seven in a very tight SDOHL.
Polish wonder and former sex kitten Tito Pijanowski continued his torrid pace to the winter season, when he picked up a huge six point night. His two goals and four assists are an SDOHL record. The league is only five weeks old, but still...
Pijanowski, with perfectly coordinated socks. If you're a Polack...
Eddie Cribbs and Bernie Levesque also scored two goals each for the good guys, and defenseman Chris Courtiol celebrated his return from league mandated anger management classes to add a goal and an assist.
And for the first time this season, goalie Al Sterner played like he had actually worn ice skates before, turning aside 17 of 18 shots. He might have even picked up a shutout, except...well, more on that later.
The first period began like most of the Old Dawgs games this season- they scored the first two goals. Courtiol got one just past the two minute mark off an assist from Eric Wilks, and then Cribbs got his first of the night from John Theilen and Pijanowski at 17:15.
But as had become the pattern in the past couple of games, the Old Dawgs slowed down the pace in the second period, and their lead was cut in half around 10 minutes in when B&K's John Hax beat Sterner on a breakaway.
Sterner got a little unlucky on the goal, because he stayed with Hax's deke and got his right pad on the shot. But the puck bounced off the top of the pad, and floated into the goal. This piece of bad fortune of course was inevitable, because a certain Old Dawgs player mentioned the dreaded "S word" (shutout) to Sterner at the end of the first period, breaking a well known hockey rule.
Who was that offending player? Why, it was French bastard Bernie Levesque.
Levesque
So the Old Dawgs were still up by one heading to the third, but needed some more goals to avoid their third straight week of coming from ahead to lose. They needed a spark. But where would it come from?
Would it be this guy?
Dave Chamberlain? What, are you fuckin' kidding me?
Oh, dear God no. It was the "Goalie's Kiss of Death", monsieur Bernie Levesque.
Levesque more than made up for his "shutout" gaffe, when just a minute into the final stanza, he gathered the puck in the neutral zone, made a great move, and broke in alone on B&K goalie Dave Maney. He deked to his backhand, and easily tucked it in behind Maney to double the Old Dawgs lead.
Then just three minutes later, he received a great pass from Wilks, and broke again into the B&K zone at full speed. Skating as though he was being chased by the Third Reich, he made the same move on Maney, and got the same result. That made it 4-1, and pretty much game over.
Tito Pijanowski found a burst of energy a minute later, and scored on one of his patented end-to-end surges to increase to Old Dawgs lead to four, and then three minutes later, did the same thing to make it 6-1. Watching him carry the puck with such grace and finesse, it reminded some observers of former Boston Bruin great Bobby Orr. Of course, that would be if Orr was uglier, less intelligent, sported a porn mustache, was really Polish, and in a coma.
Holy shit, they shouldn't even be in the same picture
The Old Dawgs got their only real scare about midway through the third, when B&K took a shot that Sterner saved, but then had two good chances to score on the rebound, as the puck sat right on the goal line. But a Dawgs defenseman that would prefer not to be identified, mainly because he's a school principal and it's not very good for the career to be on a blogsite that features dick jokes, twice cleared the puck off the line with his hand, saving Sterner from any further damage. Let's just call said defenseman "Jelly".
Jelly, incognito
Eddie Cribbs closed the scoring (there's something you usually don't see in a sentence) five minutes before the end, when he one-timed a great pass from Pijanowski past Maney, and into the top of the net. For Cribbs, it was his third goal of the season, beating his previous record by, well...three.
The Old Dawgs, having now played everyone in the league, take on the Llamas for the second time this Tuesday night at 8:35.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Dawgs forward John Theilen continues to show no signs of the hepatitis that he battled for the past year.
Well, maybe a little sign...
Because of his strong performance last Tuesday night, after the game Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol scored his first hockey groupie.
I hear she gives good beak...
Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was forced to be out of last week's game because he had an important meeting with his encounter group, Sex Without Partners. He was not missed, except possibly for his talents in the locker room after the contest.
He can stay like that for hours...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Old Dawgs Fall- And They Can't Get Up
Things tend to change when guys get older. Waistlines get a little thicker, hairlines get a little thinner, and when our wives ask us if we want to have "super sex", we think about it for a moment, and then say "I think I'll have the soup".
Oh, and one other thing: eight old guys have trouble playing an entire hockey game without having a bran muffin and a nap.
But that's what the Old Dawgs were faced with last Thursday night. Because of various reasons, the usual 14 skaters were pared down to eight brave warriors, and then eventually seven. They hung tough for over two and a half periods, before finally running out of gas and losing to Team Yellow, 4-2.
It was the Old Dawgs first loss of the new season, and left them in second place with a 2-1 record. Tito Pijanowski notched his fifth goal of the winter campaign, while Dawgs captain and former anal buccaneer Marty Richardson knocked in his second.
Goalie Al Sterner, who should have been the freshest player on the ice, couldn't hold off a late charge by Team Yellow, and surrendered two goals with under three minutes left to absorb the loss.
Sterner
Things looked good at the start of the contest for the Old Dawgs, when Tito Pijanowski picked up a rebound from a shot on Sterner, and headed for the other end of the ice, employing his patented "Polish Snowplow". He cut to the net, and beat Team Yellow keeper Vince Sciandra to make it 1-0 after less than a minute had elapsed.
Team Yellow tied the game four minutes later when Paul Truex scored on a low shot that eluded Sterner, and it was all square going to the second. But Marty Richardson tallied on a power play less than two minutes into the middle frame, and the Dawgs lead was restored at 2-1.
It stayed that way until around three minutes remained in the second, and then things got a little nasty in the old man league. Team Yellow's Truex took Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol into the boards, and was called for a two minute penalty. Courtiol approached Truex, and the resulting verbal altercation netted Courtiol a two minute, ten minute, and finally a game misconduct penalty. Courtiol was invited to take his toys and go home, and the Old Dawgs were left with seven players to play the final period. Courtiol was still unhappy in the parking lot as he left the arena.
"Fuck you and Mr. Hooper!"
The Old Dawgs tried as hard as they could, but finally wore down with three minutes left. Team Yellow's Jon Guelzow wristed a shot that deflected off of a Dawgs player and into the net to level the score, and then Brent Black stuffed in a rebound from in close to give his team the lead with under two minutes left. Truex scored an empty netter in the final minute for the final margin.
After the game, several Old Dawgs players looked like the game might have taken its toll.
Forward John Theilen was so tired, he said he missed the "good old days" when he had Hepatitis C.
Eddie Cribbs was exhausted, having used up more energy than the last time he made love to a woman. Which was September 19, 1978.
"Do a little dance...make a little love..."
The Old Dawgs now get a chance for redemption, when they play the Coyotes. In a special promotion, tonight is Chris Courtiol Bobblehead Night, where the first 1000 fans will receive the limited souvenir. It comes with a special feature, where you push a button on the back of his helmet, and he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. Game time is 9:55.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Old Dawgs forward and noted stinky French guy Bernie Levesque missed the game last week in order to play a rousing game of softball. The only problem he has is that every time the other team picks up a bat, Levesque goes back to his roots and surrenders.
"Zut alors!"
Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner turns 52 this weekend, and will celebrate by going on an intimate date with his one and only true love.
Doesn't need to cuddle afterward
It might be time for Old Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski to think about dating again.
"Tito need poon-tang!"
Oh, and one other thing: eight old guys have trouble playing an entire hockey game without having a bran muffin and a nap.
But that's what the Old Dawgs were faced with last Thursday night. Because of various reasons, the usual 14 skaters were pared down to eight brave warriors, and then eventually seven. They hung tough for over two and a half periods, before finally running out of gas and losing to Team Yellow, 4-2.
It was the Old Dawgs first loss of the new season, and left them in second place with a 2-1 record. Tito Pijanowski notched his fifth goal of the winter campaign, while Dawgs captain and former anal buccaneer Marty Richardson knocked in his second.
Goalie Al Sterner, who should have been the freshest player on the ice, couldn't hold off a late charge by Team Yellow, and surrendered two goals with under three minutes left to absorb the loss.
Sterner
Things looked good at the start of the contest for the Old Dawgs, when Tito Pijanowski picked up a rebound from a shot on Sterner, and headed for the other end of the ice, employing his patented "Polish Snowplow". He cut to the net, and beat Team Yellow keeper Vince Sciandra to make it 1-0 after less than a minute had elapsed.
Team Yellow tied the game four minutes later when Paul Truex scored on a low shot that eluded Sterner, and it was all square going to the second. But Marty Richardson tallied on a power play less than two minutes into the middle frame, and the Dawgs lead was restored at 2-1.
It stayed that way until around three minutes remained in the second, and then things got a little nasty in the old man league. Team Yellow's Truex took Old Dawgs defenseman Chris Courtiol into the boards, and was called for a two minute penalty. Courtiol approached Truex, and the resulting verbal altercation netted Courtiol a two minute, ten minute, and finally a game misconduct penalty. Courtiol was invited to take his toys and go home, and the Old Dawgs were left with seven players to play the final period. Courtiol was still unhappy in the parking lot as he left the arena.
"Fuck you and Mr. Hooper!"
The Old Dawgs tried as hard as they could, but finally wore down with three minutes left. Team Yellow's Jon Guelzow wristed a shot that deflected off of a Dawgs player and into the net to level the score, and then Brent Black stuffed in a rebound from in close to give his team the lead with under two minutes left. Truex scored an empty netter in the final minute for the final margin.
After the game, several Old Dawgs players looked like the game might have taken its toll.
Forward John Theilen was so tired, he said he missed the "good old days" when he had Hepatitis C.
Eddie Cribbs was exhausted, having used up more energy than the last time he made love to a woman. Which was September 19, 1978.
"Do a little dance...make a little love..."
The Old Dawgs now get a chance for redemption, when they play the Coyotes. In a special promotion, tonight is Chris Courtiol Bobblehead Night, where the first 1000 fans will receive the limited souvenir. It comes with a special feature, where you push a button on the back of his helmet, and he'll tell you to go fuck yourself. Game time is 9:55.
In other Old Dawgs news:
Old Dawgs forward and noted stinky French guy Bernie Levesque missed the game last week in order to play a rousing game of softball. The only problem he has is that every time the other team picks up a bat, Levesque goes back to his roots and surrenders.
"Zut alors!"
Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner turns 52 this weekend, and will celebrate by going on an intimate date with his one and only true love.
Doesn't need to cuddle afterward
It might be time for Old Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski to think about dating again.
"Tito need poon-tang!"
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Old Dawgs Debut With Two Wins
Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die-they just fade away".
Sixty years later, there is a new saying: "Old hockey players never die- they just play in the Over 40 League. "
This winter, the new Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League (or SDOHL- doesn't that just roll off the tongue) needed a sixth team to complete their membership. The league is being run by John Ling, who looks like Harry Potter's gay grandfather.
Dawgs captain and former East Colfax testicle drainer Marty Richardson gauged interest in both of the teams that represent Dawg Nation. Not surprisingly, there were plenty of players that jumped at the opportunity to get the fuck away from their wives for another night of the week, and in two cases, it was a chance to take a break from whacking off together while watching gladiator movies.
"Oh, Russell Crowe, you're so shiny!"
So now 15 players, with a combined age of approximately 1126, play on the newest representative of Dawg Nation. They are called the "Old Dawgs".
Possible new team logo
And it has gone very well in the first two games of the season. They opened with a convincing 8-4 victory against the Llamas, and last Tuesday night, they came away with a nice 5-2 win over Touchstone, which is led by former Dawgs player Ben Ziff and his magic Jew-Fro.
Ziff
The Dawgs are led so far by "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who has racked up four goals and four assists in the two games. Never a "stay at home" defenseman to begin with, he now roams the entire ice surface at Foothills Arena like a free range chicken, employing his patented one armed stickhandling technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".
"Tito do good...Tito make score"
Also off to a good start is Dave Chamberlain, who has a goal and three assists despite missing the second game. Right behind him is Bernie Levesque, who has lit the lamp three times, and continues to play despite ongoing pleas from his teammates to stop being French.
Captain Richardson has chipped in nicely with a sweet goal against Touchstone, and added two assists. But Richardson's most memorable contribution this season actually came before the game started last Tuesday night.
Yeah-Matlock!
Courtiol
Yep, it's French all right...
Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs scored a goal last week against the Llamas. It was the first time this century that Cribbs has scored...at anything.
Cribbs
Sixty years later, there is a new saying: "Old hockey players never die- they just play in the Over 40 League. "
This winter, the new Southwest Denver Oldtimers Hockey League (or SDOHL- doesn't that just roll off the tongue) needed a sixth team to complete their membership. The league is being run by John Ling, who looks like Harry Potter's gay grandfather.
Dawgs captain and former East Colfax testicle drainer Marty Richardson gauged interest in both of the teams that represent Dawg Nation. Not surprisingly, there were plenty of players that jumped at the opportunity to get the fuck away from their wives for another night of the week, and in two cases, it was a chance to take a break from whacking off together while watching gladiator movies.
"Oh, Russell Crowe, you're so shiny!"
So now 15 players, with a combined age of approximately 1126, play on the newest representative of Dawg Nation. They are called the "Old Dawgs".
Possible new team logo
And it has gone very well in the first two games of the season. They opened with a convincing 8-4 victory against the Llamas, and last Tuesday night, they came away with a nice 5-2 win over Touchstone, which is led by former Dawgs player Ben Ziff and his magic Jew-Fro.
Ziff
The Dawgs are led so far by "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who has racked up four goals and four assists in the two games. Never a "stay at home" defenseman to begin with, he now roams the entire ice surface at Foothills Arena like a free range chicken, employing his patented one armed stickhandling technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".
"Tito do good...Tito make score"
Also off to a good start is Dave Chamberlain, who has a goal and three assists despite missing the second game. Right behind him is Bernie Levesque, who has lit the lamp three times, and continues to play despite ongoing pleas from his teammates to stop being French.
Captain Richardson has chipped in nicely with a sweet goal against Touchstone, and added two assists. But Richardson's most memorable contribution this season actually came before the game started last Tuesday night.
As he was skating out for the opening faceoff, Richardson pivoted, tripped over the center red line, and slid into the back of the referee's legs. The ref went down hard on the ice, and quickly assessed Richardson a two minute penalty for being a dipshit.
Richardson
And longtime Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who turns 52 in a week, is now officially playing hole number 18 of his career (dogleg, with water down the right side). He hasn't exactly been stellar to start the season, but his team has scored enough goals to hold him up while he solves his immediate problem.
Sterner
But probably the best story of the new season has been the return of forward John Theilen. Theilen has been battling Hepatitus C, which he reportedly contracted from a Vietnamese hooker during the Tet Offensive of 1969. He has completed a series of treatments that weaken the body, and has bounced back, returning to the game he loves, even scoring a goal in his second game. All of Dawg Nation congratulates Theilen, and continues to root for a complete recovery.
Theilen
The Old Dawgs strap on the skates once again tonight, when they face Team Yellow at 7:15. The game starts early enough so that the team can get home in time to catch a rousing episode of Matlock before they go to sleep.
Yeah-Matlock!
In other Old Dawgs news:
This season the Old Dawgs welcome a new to player to The Nation, defenseman Chris Courtiol. He is already well liked despite having three strikes against him: he's way too tall, of French descent, and the brother-in-law of Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque. That's very difficult to overcome.
Courtiol
This week Old Dawgs forward Bernie Levesque bought a kitten, but not until he confirmed that it was also French.
Yep, it's French all right...
Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs scored a goal last week against the Llamas. It was the first time this century that Cribbs has scored...at anything.
Cribbs
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