Old Dawgs Come Back Late, Win Shootout

It looked like it was going to be one of those nights again.

After losing a tough 2-1 game last week to Team Yellow in a shootout, it appeared that the Old Dawgs were headed in that direction again Thursday night. They trailed the Coyotes by the same margin late in the third period, as a result of two incredibly unlucky goals against Dawgs keeper Al Sterner.

But Old Dawgs forward Eric Wilks came to the rescue with just over a minute left in regulation, and captain Marty Richardson buried the shootout winner, as the good guys rallied for a hard fought 3-2 victory.

The result has the Old Dawgs back on top of the crowded SDOHL standings, with a 3-0-1 record. They are currently one point ahead of Team Yellow and Touchstone Imaging, and three clear of next week's opponent B&K Supply, featuring Dawgs I talented goalie Timmy Kmetz.


Well, he's more talented than he looks

Things got off to a bad start for the Old Dawgs halfway through the first period when the Coyotes Jason McGregor centered a puck into the crease from the goal line. The puck pinballed off two players, before bouncing into the net behind a perplexed Sterner to make it 1-0. The Old Dawgs outshot the Coyotes 7-6 in the frame, so they had high hopes of getting even in the second.

But the Coyotes doubled their lead six minutes into the second, on another weird goal. McGregor fired a rising shot from between the circles that hit Sterner high on his shoulder. The puck bounced straight into the air, bounced behind Sterner, and settled about two inches over the goal line.

The Old Dawgs cut that lead in half a minute later, when Mario Lopez skated out from behind the net, and tucked a low shot past Coyote goalie Ted Cetaruk. It was Lopez's fourth goal of the season, putting him for second in the SDOHL.

At the end of the period, Sterner proposed sacrificing a virgin to the Hockey Gods in order to change his luck for the third. But there was only one virgin available, and he wouldn't take one for the team.


Eddie Cribbs recently had his virginity reinstated due to non-use

The Old Dawgs pressed for the equalizer in the third, but it looked like they were going to come up short. Three penalties slowed the team down a bit, and Cetaruk gave no indication that he was giving up anything down the stretch.

But with a minute and a half left, and Sterner signaling to the bench that he was coming off soon for an extra attacker, defenseman Dave Chamberlin found Marty Richardson with a great pass breaking out the zone. Richardson broke into the Coyotes end two-on-one with winger Eric Wilks, put a pass right on Wilks' stick, and Wilks made no mistake, firing one over Cetaruk's right pad to level the score.

The last minute went by with the Coyotes getting the only chance at the game winner. But Sterner saved a bad angle shot with his face, and the Old Dawgs were involved in a shootout for the second week in a row.

Last Thursday, Sterner played the shootout a little like Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan makes love, which is slowly, and not very well. But this week, he found a way to get in front of all three Coyote chances, and it was all up to team captain and former dick garage Richardson to work his magic.

Richardson skated in alone, spotted an opening low to Cetaruk's glove side, and drilled a beauty just inside the post to give his team the comeback win.


Exactly one foot taller than crossbar

In other Old Dawgs News:

This week Old Dawgs teammates Mike Sullivan and John Thielen found an evening to spend together at the theater.



Old Dawgs forward and former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman is finding it tougher and tougher to watch his alma mater play football this season.


Freeman

Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan found a part time job this week. He makes extra money by working as a chair cushion for fat girls.


Aren't you glad you friended me on Facebook, Jimmy?

Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner took advantage of the warm October weather last weekend, spending time cruising chicks at the beach.


"Who wants some of this hog?"

Last week, Old Dawgs teammates Greg Clinard and Marty Richardson played together in a hockey tournament in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, their gambling losses mounted to a point where they were forced to split a hooker.


They're both a little more buff than you'd think...

Great New Song from My Favorite Band

For those of you out there that aren't familiar with Airborne Toxic Event, you're really missing a treat. They've only been semi-popular for a couple of years, and you might know them for a recent song called Changing. I think it might be on a car commercial, or some other bullshit. Honestly, it's about the seventh best song on their latest album.

I've liked them very much since a song called Wishing Well, and it was the main reason I took my oldest son Mike and three of his friends to their concert at the Fillmore here in Denver a couple of weeks ago.

Holy jumpin' shit, were they good live. The Fillmore is a pretty small venue- almost like a large high school gym. Everyone stands up, and it has just a nice feel. It was perfect for these guys. There were maybe 2000 people there (with me being the oldest, by the way), but Airborne worked their ass off all night, giving a performance like they were playing in a stadium.

They're a five piece group, but the members play so many different instruments, they feature all kinds of different sounds. Plus they incorporate strings into their rock music, which I just love. There's a girl named Anna that plays the violin and sings backup- she's just incredible live. This clip shows them playing at the Disney Concert Hall, and they brought even more orchestra members in, which made the song even better.

In the bullshit era of hip-hop and rap, this group is refreshing. They look like human beings, and they're amazingly talented. Check 'em out if you get a chance.

Dawg Nation Hits The Big Time

Kids, if you regularly read my articles, you know that most of them are written for the sole purpose of busting the balls of my fellow hockey players in the group we call Dawg Nation. It's a fun hobby, and the boys seem to really get a kick out of it.

Dawg Nation is currently up to six teams in the Denver area, but we're not just beer league hockey players. A lot more inportantly, we're all part of a charity organization, formed to help hockey players, both young and old, that might have been injured badly, or have other serious medical problems. We put on charity events, like hockey or golf tournaments, and 100% of all proceeds go directly towards helping our fellow players that need it.

We're less than a year old, and already we've helped a bunch of people that have been hurt or sick. Recently, the Colorado Avalanche was so impressed by our organization, they've chosen to partner with us. What you'll see when you click the arrow below is our first 30 second spot that we understand will air on the Altitude Network, and hopefully during the Avalanche games at the Pepsi Center.

By the way, the spot was filmed by Dawg Nation's own Brad Stabio, and his production company. Brad had a short film that came in second at the Cannes Film Festival, so he knows his stuff. The kid did a terrific job, but please don't ever tell him I said that.

After you take a look, if you want to know more about our foundation, please click the link on the right side of this page. In case you're wondering, I'll be the goalie in white trying to execute a kick save without breaking a hip.

As much as I kill these guys on my blog, I've never been prouder in my life than to be associated with this group of people. Please enjoy:

Old Dawgs Squeak Out 2-1 Win

The Old Dawgs continued their strong start to the winter SDOHL season last Thursday night, just getting by a very good Touchstone Imaging team, 2-1. The hard fought victory leaves the Dawgs as one of two teams in the league that have 2-0 records.

Mario Lopez scored what would be the game winner early in the final period with his third goal of the season, while Old Dawgs captain and former turd tapper Marty Richardson notched his second with a nice breakaway goal. John Thielen and Eddie Cribbs each picked up assists in the tight, defensive game.

Goalie Al Sterner played better than his normal capabilities, stopping 23 of 24 shots, and winning against good friend and fellow Dawgs goalie Timmy Kmetz, who was playing as a substitute for Touchstone. In fact, Kmetz was on the ice for his sixth game in five days, still playing his way back into shape after recovering from his 47th hernia this past summer. Knowing that he was playing Kmetz, Sterner stuffed an extra horseshoe up his ass before the game, and it made all the difference.


They were silver when they went in.

The Old Dawgs got off to a great start just over three minutes into the first period, when Richardson put his team on top. The words "great pass", and "Eddie Cribbs" don't often collide in the same sentence, but the Dawgs defenseman, who is bravely battling back from a ruptured clitoris, lobbed a puck high in the air from his own zone, and right onto the stick of Richardson,who was waiting alone past center ice.

Richardson skated in from the left side, cut in front of the net, and sniped a beauty in the top corner over Kmetz glove. What made the goal even more amazing was that he had forgotten his normal sticks, and was borrowing one with quite a lot more flex. But the goal was terrific, and the Dawgs were off and running.


Borrowed stick

Unlike normal SDOHL play, the game stayed at 1-0 for two full periods. Touchstone outshot the Old Dawgs 16-8 through the two frames, but Sterner's horseshoes were working their magic. But it really looked the Touchstone was most likely to get the next goal heading to the third period.

But no, the Old Dawgs struck for the second time early in the final stanza, when Lopez deflected a shot from John Thielen, and through Kmetz pads to double the lead. Lopez' three goals now are tied for the top of the SDOHL, along with Touchstone's Mark Caldwell.


Lopez

Sterner lost his bid for a shutout with just over three minutes left in the game, when Bob Desmond banged one in after a goal mouth scramble. It would have been Sterner's first shutout since...well, ever. He managed to keep a good attitude about it after the game.


He's just showing how many goals they scored

The Old Dawgs now play the other undefeated SDOHL squad, Team Yellow, tonight at 7:15. The game has been designated as Tito Pijanowski Bobblehead Night, with the first 2000 fans receiving the souvenier.



In other Old Dawgs news:

Defenseman Greg Clinard missed last week's game, claiming that he had an ankle sprain. Further investigation showed that he actually shaved his scraggly beard and got a face lift, in an attempt to recapture his youth.


Uh, Nard Dawg? What the fuck?

A close look at the University of Colorado's football statistics during their 1990 championship season shows exactly how vital Old Dawgs forward Mike Freeman was to their success.



Just 1713 yards fewer than Bieniemy, But he kicked the shit out of Yago and Smith.

Because of all his success, this week Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed an endorsement deal with Pennzoil.


"Pennzoil! It's not just for cars anymore!"

Dawgs Make it Four Straight With 7-2 Victory

There is a line in the timeless movie Slapshot, where goalie Denis Lemieux asks his general manager, "Who own da Chiefs?" Well, for at least one night, it was the Dawg Nation squad "dat own da Chiefs", as they rolled to a convincing 7-2 win. It was a small measure of revenge for the good guys, as they lost to that same Chiefs team a couple of months ago in the EAHL summer championship game in overtime.


"You go to da box...and feel shame."

Last Monday night against Beer Pressure, the Dawgs rode forward Jon Ripley's six goals to victory. This week, the scoring was very evenly distributed, with six different players lighting the lamp. The only player to get two was Canadian wetback Jon Jay, who put in his fifth and sixth of the winter season.

Other than Jay, young Loren Toth notched his second, and then Brad Stabio, Andre Janusz, Mark Kunugi, and the newest Dawg Nation member Mike Fox all opened their accounts with their first of the year.

Goalie Al Sterner improved his game from mediocre, all the way to ordinary this week, turning aside 25 of 27 Chief shots.


This wasn't one of them, but looks good

Stabio opened the scoring with a backhand that found its way through traffic and past Chiefs goalie Craig Gilcrease. And then a few minutes before the end of the first period, yet another Dawg Nation Canadian Janusz came into the Chiefs zone on a breakaway, skated all the way across the crease, and slid the puck past a sprawling Gilcrease to make it 2-0 at the break.

Jay got his first goal in the second period, converting a Ripley pass into an easy backdoor play. Longtime teammates, this is not the first time the two have combined on a backdoor play, if you know what I mean.


This may help if you don't know what I mean.

After the Chiefs banged in a rebound goal on a five on three power play, Kunugi answered right back to make it 4-1. He took a pass from Jay in front of the net, and found the five hole of Gilcrease to get the Dawgs lead back to three. Toth then made the margin four before the end of the period, when he came out of the corner by himself, and buried a high shot through a screen.

Jay made matters 6-1 early in the third, when he again broke in alone, and fired the puck through Gilcrease's pads. After another Chiefs rebound goal, Mike Fox closed the scoring, converting a terrific saucer pass from Jon Ripley, and easily depositing the puck into the open side of the net.

It was the first Dawg Nation goal for Fox, who just joined the team two weeks ago. He missed the first two games, because he was busy as a Root Sports as a producer for Colorado Rockies telecasts. "Producer" might be a little generous- he actually worked most of the season as Tom Helmer's fluffer.


Why do you think he's smiling?

Still tied for first place in EAHL standings, the Dawg Nation squad will try to stretch their streak to five tonight when they take on Blueline. Blueline, despite being 2-2, leads the league in fewest goals against with 10, so it should make for a very tight game.

In other Dawg Nation news:

Dawg Nation forward/defenseman Brad Stabio's new daughter Phoebe officially became daddy's girl this week, when she was fitted for a real stupid hat. Like father...like daughter.



Cute little bugger, though. So is Phoebe...

The responsibilities of new fatherhood overwhelmed Dawg Nation forward Matt McGarvey this week, and he reverted back to a different time in his life.


What a boner...

This week Dawg Nation captain Drew Johns fulfilled a lifelong dream, when he took a river raft trip, and reenacted every scene from the movie Deliverance. He especially enjoyed the scenes with the Hillbilly strangers.


"You got a pretty mouth, boy..."

Dawg Nation forward Jon Ripley was a little lax with his backchecking last Monday night, drawing the wrath of goalie Al Sterner.


"Cover the point, you lazy dick!"

Old Dawgs Start New Season With 6-1 Win

The two-time SDOHL champion Old Dawgs came together last Thursday night, seeking to defend their title once again. And they got off to a great start to the winter campaign, hammering the Over 40's by a 6-1 margin.

Mario Lopez picked right back up where he left off in the summer, banging in two goals. Captain Marty Richardson scored one and added two assists, plus former University of Colorado quarterback Mike Freeman opened his winter account with a goal. Eric Wilks and defenseman Greg Clinard also scored, and the ever improving Dan Cashman notched three assists as the team coasted to victory.

Goalie Al Sterner had a fairly easy night, only having to face 17 shots to nab his first win. He spent much of the evening doing this:


Does this better than anyone...

Freeman got the Old Dawgs off to a great start early, when he converted a centering pass from Richardson before 90 seconds had elapsed. Freeman played on the University of Colorado 1990 team that won a national championship, and was best known as "the quarterback that didn't knock up the coach's daughter".

It wouldn't be an Old Dawgs game if Sterner didn't give up an early shitty goal, and he accomplished just that three minutes later. On a two-on-one break, he came off the near post early anticipating a pass, and Over 40's forward Jay Scolnick happily slid the puck in to level the contest.


Sterner

But six minutes later, Richardson roofed a beauty off of a Cashman feed to score what would be the game winning goal. Wilks added one right before the end of the period, and it was 3-1 at the break.

At just under eight minutes of the second, Lopez received a nice pass from defenseman Jimmy Tiernan, and ripped one past Over 40's keeper Alan Callison to make it a three goal lead, and pretty much game over. Lopez got his second marker early in the third period, and then Greg Clinard closed out the scoring a minute before the end, on a slapshot that pinballed in off of a skate. Clinard then flashed his trademark shit eating grin.     



The Old Dawgs face a tougher test this week, when they take on a Touchstone squad that also won by a 6-1 margin. Game time is 9:55, which is two hours past most of the players' normal bedtime.

In other Old Dawgs News:

This week goalie Al Sterner helped film a public service announcement for the Dawg Nation Hockey Foundation. He performed a kick save, and then had to be helped off the ice, frozen in that position.


"Little help? Medic?"

Old Dawgs forward Dave Chamberlin finally proposed to his longtime girlfriend Karen, and after taking only one month to think about it, she said yes. Chamberlin said he is looking forward to having such a great "wife-arino".


Chamberlin, left...and right

Old Dawgs forward Mike "Sully" Sullivan did some grocery shopping this week, and sent a subtle message to all the ladies in the store.



Dawgs forward Dan Cashman this week signed on be the main character in "Toy Story 4".


The one on the right is more life-like

Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson stopped everything he was doing late Saturday night, when he had to run out to buy some milk for his kids.


Nice rack, Cappy

Tito's Ticker Gets An Overhaul

Tito Pijanowski was having a problem.

The longtime Dawgs stay-away-from-home defenseman was finding himself constantly exhausted for no apparent reason. During games, he was so short of energy that he couldn't find the strength to make his patented end to end runs up the ice, using his one-handed technique known as the "Polish Snowplow".



Because carrying the puck up the ice and never playing defense were his two main goals in life, Pijanowski decided to seek help. He went to the finest doctor that his United Airlines insurance could provide, and underwent a thorough physical examination.



After an extensive session, complete with three rectal exams at Pijanowski's request, it was discovered that he had a faulty valve in his heart. His friends and teammates were shocked to hear this, mostly because they couldn't believe that the sonofabitch actually owned a heart in the first place.

A devastated Pijanowski immediately asked for a second opinion. The doctor quickly replied, "Okay, you also have a shitty mustache. That will be two thousand dollars."



The doctors were at a loss to understand what caused the problem, but thought it might be stress related. Pijanowski then explained that sometimes while playing hockey, when hit with a cheap shot or otherwise being agitated by the opposing team, he did occasionally have a mild physical reaction.


"Tito pissed!!!"

The next step was to decide which procedure would be best to solve his heart problem. Because of much previous success, a valve from a pig was considered. But that idea was quickly scrapped, when doctors could not find one pig in the Rocky Mountain region that was comfortable donating his heart to a fuckin' Polack.


"I mean, if you really think about it, which one of us is higher on the food chain? I'm just saying..."

So finally the doctors decided to repair the existing valve. Unfortunately, the only way to do this would be to perform open heart surgery. A meeting with a heart specialist did not make Pijanowski feel particularly confident.



But on Tuesday morning, October 4th, Pijanowski relented to his doctors, and went ahead with the procedure. At first, the surgeons were shocked to discover that Tito's heart was in worse shape than originally diagnosed:



So after reevaluation, and three quarts of RustOleum, they forged on. It took four hours to complete, but the specialists were able to make all the necessary repairs, plus clean out Pijanowski's main arteries while they were in there. The following is a partial list of what they found in those arteries:









Amazingly, because of Pijanowski's inner strength and toughness (or possibly because his HMO sucks), the man went home after only three days at Lutheran Medical Center. Friday night, he celebrated his new lease on life with his friends, and completely grossed everyone out with his still openly weeping surgical scar.


No shit- three fuckin' days...

He is already planning his next procedure, in which he'll finally do something with that mustache and buy some clothes that don't make him look like Jimmy Buffett's poop. He also has announced that he plans on playing hockey before the end of the winter season, which proves once and for all that Tito Pijanowski is truly one big ol' Polack.

But boys and girls, don't bet against him. After all, he is The King.

Believe It Or Not, Ripley Nets Six In Dawg Nation Win

(Writer's note: I promised myself I'd never make the "believe it or not" joke when I mentioned my teammate Jon Ripley. But holy shit, the kid scored six goals in one game, and if I ever needed to lower myself to the "Hee Haw" level of humor, it is now. I sincerely apologize- I know I'm better than that. It will never happen again.)

Until last Monday night, the most famous person born on Prince Edward Island, Canada was an actress named Martha MacIsaac, who is best known as the drunk girl that's trying to give Michael Cera a blowjob in the movie Superbad.


Quite the resume, Martha...

But now, The Forgotten Province has a new hero. Soon, this face will be on every magazine cover in Northeastern Canada:


Well, maybe not every magazine cover...

Yes, PEI's own Jonathan Ripley is now a hero to every drunk, stinking piece of shit fisherman on the island, as a result of his scoring six goals in Dawg Nation's 7-4 win over Beer Pressure. The double hat trick now officially sets a new record in the history of Dawg Nation hockey, eclipsing the previous mark of five by these two guys:


Dawgs I forward Shaun Hollis, left


Dawg Nation president Marty Richardson

Linemate Jon Jay screwed up a perfect evening for Ripley by selfishly scoring the other Dawg Nation goal. Ripley now easily leads the EAHL with nine goals, with the next closest being four. Jay has most of the assists on those goals, and his seven helpers are tops in the league.

As is almost always the case with Ripley, most of his goals were a matter of being in the right position for a pass from a teammate, or a giveaway from the Beer Pressure defense. This is truly a case of a player being much smarter than he looks.


Mason, why are you smiling? Your dad looks like a serial killer.

The Dawgs never trailed in the contest, and actually were up 7-2 after two periods. But as can happen in games like this, the boys took their foot off the gas in the third, and the score got closer than the game really was.

Now 3-0 on the new season, Dawg Nation is tied for the best record in the league with the Flyers, who are a group of hockey parents and coaches from the Foothills junior program. They will get a real test tonight when they play the Chiefs- the team that defeated them 3-2 in overtime to win the EAHL summer league. Game time is 8:45.

In other Dawgs News:

Dawg Nation Hockey board member Tito Pijanowski underwent open heart surgery last Tuesday, and is now recovering comfortably at home. Dawg Nation goalie Al Sterner summed up the feeling of every player on his team this week, when he sent Pijanowski a special get-well message:



This week Dawg Nation defenseman Brad Stabio produced and directed his first porn movie. His toughest challenge was showing his star the proper technique for effectively sucking a dick.


Goddamn, I love Facebook...

Dawg Nation would like to extend best wishes to forward Matt McGarvey, who became a father for the first time this week. He now has a daughter named Adalyn, but there might be some question as to who her real father is.