Sully Scores In Old Dawgs 5-1 Win

The Old Dawgs impressed once again last Thursday night, skating past Touchstone Imaging, 5-1. The victory, combined with the Coyotes 3-2 overtime loss to B&K Supply, stretches the Dawgs' lead to eight points in the SDOHL standings.

The Old Dawgs featured a balanced attack, with five different skaters lighting the lamp. Tito Pijanowski and his baboon heart scored his second of the season with three assists, Rand Peterson his fifth, Dan Cashman notched his fourth, and Mario Lopez banged in his sixth of the winter campaign.

But the real story of the game was 68 year old Mike Sullivan, who scored his first of the season, and first since joining Dawg Nation last summer. His second period redirection of a Pijanowski shot now gives him one more goal than two other skaters on the Dawgs roster, who are apparently more comfortable holding other things in their hands besides hockey sticks.


Jimmy Tiernan


Eddie Cribbs

Goalie Al Sterner returned from yet another knee injury and got his seventh win of the year, turning aside 21 of 22 shots. He was helped greatly by his defensive corps, who limited the quality shots by Touchstone, and made it a fairly easy night in goal for the rapidly deteriorating Sterner.


Not his healthiest season

Pijanowski opened the scoring six minutes into the first period, on one of his patented end to end rushes, featuring the one-handed "polish snowplow".


We've missed that, Tito...

Less than a minute later, Rand Peterson doubled the Old Dawgs' lead, converting a nice feed from Mike Wimmer. So it was 2-0 heading for the middle frame.

Then, at the 16 minute mark of the second, it was time for some history. Pijanowski passed the puck from the point, and Mike Sullivan, who was camped out in front of the net, one-timed a laser past Touchstone goalie Vince Sciandra. Sully now has scored goals in six different decades of playing hockey, and will only be 76 when he gets his chance to improve that record in 2020.

Or there might be one other small possibility...



The Old Dawgs bench erupted, and made so much noise that, for a moment, Sully thought it was 1945, and everyone was celebrating VJ Day. Confused, he joined in.


"Uh...yeah! Fuck the Japs!"

After the game, Sully celebrated his accomplishment by performing a perfect "Tebow", kneeling as he came out of the shower, only wrapped in a towel. Horrified teammates encouraged him to get up, yelling: "Sully! God wants you to get dressed!"

The game seemed a little anticlimactic after the big goal, but the Old Dawgs scored two more in the third period to put the game out of reach. Dan Cashman banged in a rebound from a Mario Lopez shot, and 30 seconds later Lopez took a great cross ice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, skated across the crease, and beat Sciandra to close out the Dawgs scoring.

Sterner lost his shutout five minutes into the third, and it would be impolite to name the player who was completely responsible for giving away the puck, resulting in the lone goal.

But his initials are: Tito Pijanowski.




The Dawgs now face Team Yellow, featuring league scoring leader Paul Truex. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week, an old army photo was found of Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan who served in the Vietnam War (no shit, he really did). He's hardly changed one bit over the years.



Okay, maybe he changed a little. Still a handsome devil, though...

Little Alexi Richardson accidentally walked in this week while her parents Marty and Cindi were having sex. She still can't get this look off her face:


"It looked like daddy was winning!"

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan was arrested after being caught jacking off in a theater while watching the movie Warhorse.


"Jesus Christ- didn't you see his flanks?!!"

I'm Like Phil Collins, But Not In a Good Way

When I was a much, much younger man, back in the late 70's and 80's, I loved a band called Genesis. In fact, I still do. They played just the kind of music I love, and had a string of hits well into the 90's. But I never got to see them live during their heyday, because they never came to Denver. Phil Collins came a few times as a solo act, and I enjoyed that, but the music was different than when the trio played together.

When they split up later in the 90's, I never thought I'd get the chance to see the group play. Then about four years ago, they got together for a reunion tour that would include a night at the Pepsi Center here in Denver. Well, after spontaneously shitting my pants, I jumped on line the first day and scored good seats. I couldn't have been more excited- my older brother Dale and I would finally get a chance to see the band we'd loved for almost 30 years.

We showed up, along with a shitload of other people around our age, and had a great time for two hours. They played almost all the songs we love, but because their library is so huge, left out a few that we would have liked to hear. It would have taken all night to play every one of their best songs, so we understood.

But there was something just a bit off. The music didn't quite have the same intensity as the original albums, and Phil had to sing a couple of keys lower, because he couldn't hit the high notes anymore. It didn't make the concert bad- it was just different.

It was then that I realized that it was because these guys were just getting fuckin' old. The boys were in their mid 50's, they all gained a little weight, and just couldn't quite bring the same game that they had as younger men. I only ever heard the songs as they were played on the CD's, never live, so I had nothing for comparison over the years. And honestly, it made me a little bit sad.

I bring this up because I just saw a concert of theirs over the holidays called When In Rome, which was recorded in Italy during that same reunion tour. I really enjoyed it, but again noticed that they couldn't play the way they did twenty years earlier. But they really seemed to enjoy performing together again, and the huge crowd in Rome loved the show.

Seeing that concert has made me realize something: the exact same thing is happening to me as a hockey player. Now, please don't get me wrong. I could never play hockey like Phil Collins plays drums. But I'd like to think that at one time, I could at least hold my own in a pretty high level skate.

But these last couple of years, I've discovered that I just can't do the things I did ten years ago. I used to have a pretty decent glove hand, but I tore a rotator cuff a few seasons ago, and it just doesn't have the same snap anymore. I can't kick out for the low shots as far as I did in the past, and both knees are so beat to shit, it takes an extra second to get back up after going down to block a shot.

So just like Phil and the boys in Genesis, I'm playing in a lower key these days. But you know what? I'm enjoying the game more now than at any other time in my life. And here's why:

1) If someone would have told me 20 years ago that I would still be playing hockey three or four times a week at age 53, I would have told them they were fuckin' nuts. After playing so much hockey, plus 25 years of soccer, I thought my chubby ass would have been done long ago. I'm playing on borrowed time here, and I know it.

2) I'm taking this shit a lot less seriously than I used to. When I was playing at a higher level, I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had a bad game. And I was so competitive, I was constantly barking at my teammates if they made mistakes, which I'm still not very proud of. But I've dialed down the intensity a lot over the past few years, though I still do die a little bit every time I let a goal in. And yes, I yell "fuck" every time I have to dig the puck out of my net.

Okay, so I'm still a little competitive.

3) Here's the most important reason I'm loving the game more than ever: I get to hang out two nights a week with my best friends. And I think most of us are to the point now where the beers in the locker room after the game are at least as important as what happens out on the ice. We tell jokes, tell stories about our kids, rehash the game, and bust each other's balls for over an hour. It's brilliant.

This past month, I've been hobbling on a bad knee, so I have had to sit out some games while waiting for the damn thing to heal well enough to try again. But you can bet your ass I've still been there every week, "coaching" from the bench, and hanging with the boys afterwards.

Recently, I read a story about Phil Collins, and how a degenerative back condition has forced him to retire from playing the drums. I wondered if he would miss touring with his mates from Genesis, and what he'd do to occupy his time.

I know that day is coming for me too. The injuries are mounting, it's taking too long to recover, and goalie is the type of position in hockey where it hurts the team too much if you can't be at least halfway competitive. Sometimes you can bury a position player on a line with good teammates, but there's nowhere to hide if you're a keeper.

But I'll worry about that day later. For now, I'll just keep singing a few keys lower, and playing with less intensity than the good old days. Like my man Phil, I'm touring one more time with my best friends, and loving the fuck out of it while I still can.

Old Dawgs Stretch League Lead With Win

The Old Dawgs moved six points clear of the rest of the SDOHL last Thursday night, courtesy of a solid 6-2 win against the Over- 40's. The long Christmas break didn't seem to affect the boys, as they rolled to their second straight win.

Young goalie Timmy Kmetz, filling in for Al Sterner, who didn't get new knees from fuckin' Santa Claus like he asked, played very well, turning aside 17 of 19 shots. Unfortunately, the two goals given up actually raised the Old Dawgs goals against average for the season, so Kmetz is officially out as a backup keeper.


Dumb-ass...

The Old Dawgs came out strong in the first period, outshooting their opponent by an 11-6 margin, but couldn't solve Over 40's goalie Alan Callison. The first goal of the game came just over a minute into the middle frame, when Richardson received a nice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, and shot a beauty into the top corner.

That lead would be erased ten minutes later, when former Old Dawg and current French bastard Bern Levesque scored two goals in less than 30 seconds. But right after the second goal, Levesque felt uncomfortable being on the team that was ahead, and quickly surrendered.



Just three minutes later though, the Old Dawgs drew level, as John Thielen received a terrific cross ice pass from Eddie Cribbs, and drilled one past Callison. And then with just over a minute remaining in the second, Mario Lopez gathered the puck and found Callison's five-wicket to give his team the lead for good.

The margin doubled just 23 seconds into the last period, when Richardson deflected a nice pass from Cribbs into the lower corner. Then Richardson completed his hattie eight minutes later on another assist from Cribbs and Clinard. And finally Dave Chamberlin closed out the scoring a minute before the end, taking a pass from Mike Freeman, rushing the puck into the Over 40's zone, and sniping Callison for his first of the year.

Chamberlin doesn't get much of a chance to attack, as he spends most of his evening covering for "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who wanders about on the ice like an old man with Alzheimers.


No, not that old man with Alzheimers...

The Dawgs now have a good test tonight, when they face off again with Touchstone Imaging. Sterner is going to try again in goal, so it could be a high scoring affair. Game time is 7:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Over the Christmas break, Old Dawgs forward Mike Freeman took an inadvertent puck to the head while playing on the pond belonging to Graham Richardson. The scar is barely noticeable.


Didn't get a scratch as a football player

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan paid for cosmetic surgery for his girlfriend Trina. It didn't go as well as they had hoped, and Tiernan's interests immediately turned to opera.


"Dammit, I just wanted her to have bigger knockers..."

This week Cindy Richardson forced herself to have sex with her husband Marty. Afterwards, she drank martinis until she could erase that memory from her mind.


"Jesus Christ, that was the worst 28 seconds of my fucking life..."

This week Old Dawgs 68 year old forward Mike Sullivan, searching his "bucket list", wanted to try something he had never done. There wasn't much left he hadn't tried, so in desperation, he attempted to get a blow job from a Springer Spaniel.


Yes, Sully, it was a mistake to friend me on Facebook.

A Little Love From Lockwood

So I checked my email yesterday, and there was a nice note from a guy named Justin Lockwood. In case you're not sure who he is, Justin is the play-by-play radio announcer for Newcastle United in the English Premier League. He also would be the guy that's going bat-shit in the YouTube clip that's right below this article. If you haven't checked it out yet, please be sure to do so before you leave.

His call on the goal that brought his Magpies side back from a 4-0 deficit in the second half to tie Arsenal is absolutely epic. For me, it's right up there with Al Michaels' "Do you believe in miracles?" call from the 1980 Winter Olympics. In that 47 seconds, Justin completely captures the passion of English football, and how much it means to those people. To borrow an English phrase, it's just fucking brilliant.



I've watched sports in the United States all my life, and there are no fans in any sport here that compare to English and European football fans. And if you happen to have a match that features teams from the same region, or what they call a "derby" (pronounced darby), you can ratchet up the fan intensity tenfold. The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is a love fest compared to Manchester United/Manchester City, Tottenham/Arsenal, and Newcastle/Sunderland. And that's just England- you should see a Real Madrid/Barcelona match in Spain, or a Rangers/Celtic game in Scotland. It's insane- there is nothing here that's even close.

Anyway, I was completely shocked and flattered when Justin sent the email, just to say hello and thank me for putting the clip up on my blogsite. And I have absolutely no idea how he discovered that I posted it. I get lots of hits from other countries- it always baffles me why anyone would bother to read this shit. But I'm grateful for everyone that does, and hope that maybe I can make them chuckle every once in awhile.

So now I get to add the name of Justin Lockwood to the growing list of famous people that have read my blog and sent along a note. For your convenience, I've placed them in alphabetical order. The roster now includes:

Justin Lockwood

Okay, it's not growing that quickly. I guess all the other celebrities are shy.

The Best Goal Call Ever

This was maybe the best football game I've ever seen (yeah, this is the real football). Newcastle United was down 4-0 to mighty Arsenal, which was the equivalent of being behind four or five touchdowns in American football. And then they came back with four second half goals, culminating in what you'll see when you click below.

Over the holidays, my kids showed me this YouTube video. I had seen the goal itself a hundred times, because it was from one of the most famous matches ever played. But I had never heard the broadcast from the Newcastle radio perspective. What you'll hear when you play this is an announcer named Justin Lockwood, and it will knock your socks off. I've never heard anything like it- gave me the goosebumps.

I Don't Have a Teboner, Just a Quarter-Chub

For both of you guys out there that read this shit, you might have noticed that I've never written anything about the game of football. And there's a good reason for that. I know it's probably un-American, but I don't particularly care for the game.

In fact, around my house, we use the word "football" to describe what the rest of you cretins call soccer. I have three players in my house, and I played for 25 years myself, so we love the "beautiful game". We spend all of our Saturdays and part of Sunday watching English Premier League football, which is the arguably the best league in the world. Then, when it's on, we'll watch Champions League matches, featuring the best teams in Europe. It's just brilliant. The kids and I even participate in a fantasy soccer league. No shit, they have those.

And we don't watch the MLS here at home. After seeing the best football in the world, I just can't make myself watch the MLS. It's a much lower level and it blows ass. Sorry, Colorado Rapids, but it's true. It's just fuckin' unwatchable.

Anyway, I'm not going to waste our time trying to convince you to love soccer like I do. Most of you out there probably hate it, because you think it's boring, and they don't score enough goals. Fair enough. But next June, please take a look at the European Championships on ESPN. You'll see what the game is all about, and you'll get hooked. Plus, someday soon I'm going to write an article about how passionate soccer fans are, and how they compare to American fans. It's not even close, but that's a discussion for another time.

Now, I haven't always disliked American football. In fact, growing up here in Denver, I lived and died with the Broncos. Even in the 60's and 70's, when they were terrible, my friends and I would gather every Sunday, play football in the morning, and then watch the game in the afternoon. This continued until probably around the year 2000 (not the playing, the watching), and then I gradually stopped watching games regularly. The only thing that made me watch at all was participating in a fantasy league, because I have a big ol' Gamblin' Jones.

But lately, something has kind of made me more interested in the game. I've gotten pretty fascinated at watching the journey of Tim Tebow this year, and I'm starting to get sucked back in a little bit. In fact, for the first time in forever, I actually taped the Denver/Minnesota game last Sunday, and watched it later that afternoon. And enjoyed the shit out of it. I yelled and everything, and I haven't done that in years.

Just a quick note: If I watch football at all, it has to be on DVR. The biggest reason I won't watch the game is because every three minutes. they cut to a fucking commercial. It just makes me crazy. That's reason number 73 why soccer is better. They play 45 straight minutes with no commercials. Let's move on...

There is just something about this kid that makes you want to root for him. I think the thing for me is that if you just look at pure football mechanical ability, he probably shouldn't even be on the goddamn field. But he's one of those guys that just figures out a way to succeed by sheer will, and has the power to make his teammates play better, which is really rare these days.

I think the biggest proof of the last statement is the Broncos defense. It's basically the same group that was playing when they started out 1-4, but since Tebow has come in, they've played out of their minds, and the team is 7-5. They didn't get more talented- they're just playing harder. The whole squad thinks they can win now, and it's been fun to watch the change in the team. And it's only happened for one reason.

The other part that's fascinated me is how polarizing this has become across the country. Every morning, I wake up to three or four guys on ESPN2 screaming at each other about either how good Tim Tebow is, or how much he sucks. They talk about it every day. Why? This is one quarterback on a fairly mediocre football team, and these dickheads are jumping up and down, yelling like crazy.

While I'm working, I listen to a nationally syndicated sports talk show hosted by Jim Rome. And every day, especially lately, it's been mostly about Tebow. Why the crap does everyone care so much about this? What is it about this kid that makes everyone so passionate about their opinions? I truly don't get it.

For me, the reason I'm pulling for him is because I like his character. Character is a big deal for me, and the biggest reason why I hate basketball. Most of those idiots don't have any character, and can't spell the fucking word. Go ahead, basketball lovers, send me some more shitty emails, I don't give a rat's ass. I wish they would have stayed locked out forever. Fuck 'em.

But Tebow at least appears to be a nice kid. He's very polite with the media, and hasn't once taken an opportunity to show his middle finger to all the haters out there, including his boss, John Elway. So many guys would be looking right in the camera, and saying "Five in a row, bitch! Now shut the fuck up!" Not Tebow. Honestly, I'll bet he's thinking that, but he's doing a great job keeping it to himself.

There are a couple of things about him, though, that I could probably do without. He pushes the religion thing pretty hard, and it kind of puts me off a little bit. Don't get me wrong- I think if a person believes, that's terrific. I do myself, but I think it's more of a personal choice, and maybe he shouldn't bring it into every conversation and action on the field. It's probably just me, but I personally think God has more important shit to worry about than a football game.

The other thing is, I do not believe for one instant that Tim Tebow is still a virgin. Holy jumpin' smokes, have you seen his girlfriend?



Come on, now. Imagine you're 24 years old, you've never had any poonannie, and you come within ten feet of that girl's sweater meat. I'm not a doctor, but your balls are going to explode, right? They'd have to bring in a fuckin' haz-mat team to clean up the mess. Sorry Timmy, I'm not buying that one. In the worst case, she's giving you the old Pogo Pumper. I'd bet one of my kids on this.

So there you go. I'm back to watching football, at least the Broncos, for now. If they make the playoffs, I'll watch until they get bounced, and then I'll turn the game back off. I'll watch the Super Bowl because there's a good chance I'll be in some kind of pool, and it's the only time I ever watch commercials.

In the meantime, I'll be pulling for this good, decent kid to succeed. The thing now is, I think we're going to have him here in Denver for awhile. If Elway or Coach Fox tries to get rid of him in the offseason, there's going to be one hell of a revolt from the fans, and whoever would replace him won't ever have a chance.

Just ask Kyle Orton how much fun that is. I think he's working at a Denny's in Kansas City right now.

Old Dawgs Escape With 2-1 Shootout Win

They may be in fifth place, but there's just something about Team Yellow that gives the Old Dawgs trouble. Back in late October, they gave the Dawgs their only loss of the winter SDOHL season, 2-1 in an overtime shootout.

Last Thursday night, it was the Old Dawgs turn, as they won by exactly the same score in a nail biting, nine round extra session. The two points keeps them three clear of Touchstone Imaging at the top of the SDOHL table.

Rand Peterson scored his third goal of the season five minutes into the final period to key the Old Dawgs comeback, and set the stage for the exciting overtime win. Goalie Doug Witschger, subbing for the rapidly falling apart Al Sterner, was terrific, stopping 25 of 26 shots in regulation, and all nine in the shootout.

The teams played a scoreless first period, but it wasn't for lack of shots. Team Yellow had 11 and the Dawgs had 10, but neither squad could find the back of the net. Team Yellow got the only goal of the second period, with Jay Johnson scoring from the point after the Dawgs failed in roughly a dozen attempts to get the puck out of the zone.

But five minutes into the final frame, Rand Peterson gathered in a pass from Old Dawgs captain and former rim job expert Marty Richardson, made a nice move on Yellow goalie Dave Maney, and tucked the puck into the net to draw his team level.

The game stayed even at one for the final ten minutes, even though the Dawgs had the best of the play, outshooting the opponent by an 11-5 margin. So just like October, the game would be decided by penalty shots. The one big difference was that this guy wouldn't be in goal for the Old Dawgs:



Yes, Al Sterner, who played the October shootout like quadriplegics fuck (which is not very well and sadly flopping around), would be cooling his heels on the Old Dawgs bench, nursing a very sore uterus. And thank God for that, as Witschger made save after save as the shootout rolled on.

The Old Dawgs experienced a very special moment in the seventh round of the session, when Eric Wilks took his turn. With a chance to be a hero and win the game, he skated right over the top of the puck as he crossed the blue line, and left the elusive black disk right there without ever getting a shot.




After Witschger made his ninth and final save, and wondered silently whether he was going to have to score a goal himself to end the fucking thing, up stepped defenseman Greg Clinard. Clinard, who works full time developing Ponzi schemes and jacking old ladies out of their life savings, skated in, actually bringing the puck with him (unlike Wilks), and did something none of the previous eight Old Dawgs skaters did. He made a goddamn move, instead of shooting directly into Maney's pads. When Maney opened his legs, the Nard Dawg calmly did something he can't do at home with his wife: he slipped it through the old five hole, and the game was finally over.


Nard Dawg, sporting trademark shit eating grin. Isn't he precious?

The Old Dawgs now have another tough test this week when they face off against the Coyotes, featuring solid goalie Ted Cetaruk. And it appears that Al Sterner will be back in net, so one goal will certainly not be enough to win this week. Game time is set for 9:55.

In other Dawgs news:

A religious man, Old Dawgs forward Eddie Cribbs spent time this week getting ready for Christmas in his own special way.



Eddie, ready to release his "Christmas mass"

This week Old Dawgs forward and war veteran Mike Sullivan participated in a reunion to commemorate the anniversity of the attack on Pearl Harbor. The other soldiers were angry when they discovered that Sully was actually a pilot in the Japanese Air Force.


"Bonzai!!"

This week Old Dawgs goalie Al Sterner won the Vagina Trophy in the Foothills Over 40 Select League. The award, named for ex-beer league goalie legend Georges Vagina, is given to the keeper who lets in the fewest goals during the regular season. Because the league only plays a 10 week schedule, commissioner John Ling decided to present a smaller trophy, or "Mini Vagina".


The trophy has several uses

This week Old Dawgs captain Marty Richardson finally decided to see what all the fuss was about.


"It's true! I'll never go back!"