Dawgs Pound Misfits, 6-2

Well now, that's a little more like it.

The Dawgs I team, after spending a month playing hockey like turds dropping out of a tall cow's ass, discovered a great time to find their game Tuesday night. Playing their best overall hockey of the season, the boys came through in the last game before the Christmas break, and destroyed a very good Misfits team, 6-2.

18 year old rookie Michael Heaton, despite being weighed down like an anchor by a new center on his line, scored his first hat trick in a Dawgs uniform. Matt McGarvey put in his 11th, Dan Pham tallied shorthanded for his 14th, and aging milkman Dennis Heaton made the AARP crowd happy by wristing in his eighth.

The Dawgs defense was terrific, limiting quality shots on elderly goalie Al Sterner, who lowered his goals against average to an anorexic 3.92.

But there was one key factor that brought everything together for the Dawgs. One thing that allowed the Dawgs to finally right the ship, and play to their tremendous potential. One little tweak of the lineup that would allow the team to return to greatness.

What was that one thing? Why, it was the absence of Shaun Hollis.

Hollis, serving a suspension for being the fourth man in a scuffle last week, spent the time off pursuing his dream, a new career in customer relations in Las Vegas.


Hollis

The Dawgs responded like they had been freed from a bear trap. They put in more goals than they had scored since October, which made team captain and former anal spelunker Marty Richardson consider some important changes before the Dawgs resume in January.

The Dawgs got off to a tough start in the first period, courtesy of their leaky old goalie Sterner. In the spirit of the Christmas season, he not only gave Misfits star Marc-Andre Piette the gift of a soft goal, he wrapped it up and put a pretty pink bow on it. Piette's shot from the faceoff dot hit Sterner right in the web of his glove, but somehow leaked out and trickled into the net.

Sterner has been using the same goalie glove for his entire career, and might consider making a change before the Dawgs come back from the Christmas break.


Lots of sentimental value-Gump Worsley jerked off in this glove

It stayed 1-0 until late in the period, when Michael Heaton cashed in his first of the contest, one-timing a great crossing pass from Dan Pham. It was a new game heading to the middle frame.

It stayed 1-1 until around midway in the second, when the Heaton boys went bang-bang for two quickies to give the Dawgs some breathing room. First, father Dennis converted an errant Misfit pass from the faceoff circle, putting the puck over the very good glove hand of goalie Tom Lester.

In the same shift, son Michael stole the puck deep in the Misfit zone, and made no mistake, putting the puck behind a visibly pissed Lester to double the lead.


Young Heaton

With just a few minutes left in the frame, Misfits forward Adam Cook converted a breakaway to make it 3-2, ripping a shot over the increasingly crappy glove hand of Sterner. It looked like it would be a one goal game going to the third.

Not so fast. With just a few ticks left in the second, and the Dawgs killing a penalty, Dan Pham skated the puck into the Misfits zone, and sent a laser wrist shot over the glove of Lester, and into the corner of the net. That made it 4-2, and took a lot of wind out of the Misfits sails with a period to play.

The score stayed the same during half of the third, but the Misfits were putting good pressure on the Dawgs net, trying to get within one. But with around seven minutes left, Matt McGarvey skated to the top of circle in the Misfits zone, and fired a wrister towards Lester. This time it was Lester's turn to give the Dawgs a present, as the puck hit the top of his glove, and trickled in behind him.

5-2 and game over, boys and girls. Be careful on the drive home.

With just a couple of minutes left, young Heaton received a good pass out of the Dawgs zone, and broke in alone on Lester. By that time Lester had pretty much thrown in the towel, and didn't put up much of a fight, as Heaton completed his hat trick to round out the scoring.

With an improbable Sublixators loss to the Llamas, the Dawgs now find themselves again alone in first place, with an 11-3 record. With five games left in the regular season, the team can only hope that they keep the form they've regained, and that Shaun Hollis' new career as a call girl takes off.

In other Dawgs news:

This week six month old Oliver let the entire world know what it's like to have Brad Stabio as his father.


We feel the same way, Oliver

Team captain Marty Richardson this week finally came through on his promise to get a tattoo if the Dawgs won the summer league. But his final choice left most of the team perplexed.



Dawgs II forward Eddie Cribbs is having trouble keeping up sexually with his new girlfriend.


Roll her in flour before you try the "Lotus position", Eddie. Then go for the wet spot.

In a Dawgs Christmas tradition, this week Dennis Heaton brought eggnog for the team gathering in the parking lot after the game. However, this year he made the entire batch himself. It took six months, and his forearm will never be the same.


Dennis makin' some "man-nog"

This week, Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski was seen with a new female acquaintance. Pijanowski's last girlfriend broke up with him several months ago, because when they would go out on a date, he kept forgetting to bring the pump.


She was a keeper, Tito

Citing "team chemistry issues", this week captain Marty Richardson optioned forward Shaun Hollis to the Dawgs farm team, the Drooling Retards of the Edge Handicapped League.


Godspeed, Shaun

Dawgs Lose Second Straight, 7-2

After going 20 straight games unbeaten in league play, the Dawgs I squad have hit their first bad patch in awhile. Tuesday night, they lost their second straight, and third in their last four, getting bitch-slapped by the hated Llamas, 7-2.

The Dawgs got down early against the Llamas, when....

You know what? Fuck this. Let's get this part over with. The Dawgs played very well last Tuesday night, except offense, defense, power play, penalty kill, and goalkeeping. Let's just make believe it didn't happen and move on, shall we?

The Dawgs now find themselves in a four way tie atop the EAHL standings, with an 8-3 record. They get a chance this Tuesday night to right the ship, when they come up against HTM Construction at 10:20.


In other Dawgs news:

Dawg Nation hero Travis "Bloody Fist" Hollis gets his first MMA title shot this Saturday night, when he faces current champion Matt Vigil at the Crown Plaza Event Center. He completed his training this week on a high note:


Also punched some meat

This week the Hump Line of Shaun Hollis, Matt McGarvey, and Dan Pham tried a team building exercise to get back some of their lost chemistry of recent weeks:



While attending a Rocky Mountain Rage game last Saturday night, Dawgs II goalie Brian Harvey can't help but laugh as Eddie Cribbs sustains a mild heart attack.


"No fuckin' way I do mouth to mouth..."

Dawgs star center Dan Pham missed last week's game in order to do a promotional photo shoot for his employer, the Xerox Corporation.

Pham

Dawgs Edge Skanks In Shootout

(Writers note: As always, thanks to Kathleen Ziff for these great photos. These are so good, I want to have your baby...)

After seeing their 20 game EAHL unbeaten streak go bye-bye last week, the Dawgs I squad got back on track Tuesday with a surprising difficult 4-3 overtime shootout victory over the 1-8 Skanks.

The Dawgs now have regained their four point lead in the league standings with an 8-1 record, after overcoming possibly the best 1-8 team ever in the Skanks, who gamely fought for the entire contest. The Dawgs were even outshot, by a 39-38 margin.

Dan Pham scored his 12th of the season, Marty Richardson put in his third, and Matt McGarvey his ninth. The Dawgs defense, except for a brief stretch in the first period, was solid all night, doing their part to seal the win.

While the game was very competitive at the start, the Dawgs jumped out to the lead about midway through the first period. Pham lifted a nice backhand shot over Skanks goalie Mark Jacobsen, and the good guys were on their way.

Richardson doubled the lead just a couple of minutes later, again with a backhand off of a shot by linemate Michael Heaton. It looked like the Dawgs were on their way to a romp.


Richardson

Not so fast...

Just a few minutes before the end of the period, Skanks forward Chris Black gathered a loose puck, and fluttered a shot around a screen, and straight for the five-hole of Dawgs goalie Al Sterner. Of course the puck squeezed through and went in the net, and the Dawgs lead was cut in half.

Right after the ensuing faceoff, Skanks forward Eric Allen got behind the Dawgs defense on a breakaway. He deked to Sterner's glove side, and lifted the puck over the ancient goalie's left pad. Sterner got a piece of the shot, but not quite enough to keep it from trickling into the goal. Now it was "game on" going to the second period.


Would have saved it ten years ago

The second period featured no scoring, but the Dawgs had a great chance to take the lead, when they had a couple of five-on-three power plays. But they couldn't get the puck past Jacobsen, who obviously was in better form than the previous week. Nobody on the Dawgs was really to blame for the two failures, and it was 2-2 going to the third.


Well, okay, one person was to blame

It stayed level until there were around five minutes left. The Dawgs were serving a penalty, and the Skanks were pressing to take the lead. Defenseman Mike Abdella got control of the puck, and sent it down the ice to take off some pressure. It was then that he realized that forwards Shaun Hollis and Matt McGarvey were already stationed at the Skanks blue line, having been there since the power play started.


Hollis and McGarvey

Hollis controlled the puck, and came in alone with McGarvey. He slid the puck over, and McGarvey somehow hit the crossbar on the empty net. Fortunately, the puck came right back down to McGarvey's stick, and he put it back in to make it 3-2.


2nd time's a charm

With less than a minute left, the Skanks pulled Jacobsen for an extra attacker, and controlled the puck in the Dawgs zone. They worked it behind the net, and then with less than 10 seconds left found Ryan Connors by himself to Sterner's right. Sterner got a tiny piece of Connors' shot, but again not enough to keep it out of the cage, and the contest was 3-3, and headed straight for a penalty shootout.

The Skanks went first in the ensuing shootout, and wasted no time taking the advantage. Their first shooter went straight for the Carlsbad Cavern that is Sterner's five-hole, and fired it right in.


Not even close...

Dan Pham was the first Dawgs shooter, and was stopped on a nice save by Jacobsen. But Sterner got a blocker on the next Skanks attempt to keep it 1-0.


If it isn't Mr. Five Hole, we're okay

Next, Dawgs defenseman Mike Abdella skated in, put a terrific move on Jacobsen, but somehow missed a gaping net. Still 1-0.


Not enough net, I guess...

The next Skanks shooter lost control of the puck, and Sterner managed to close his legs in time to keep the slow roller out. Next for the Dawgs: EAHL leading scorer Shaun Hollis.

Hollis took a different path to the crease, coming in from the left side. When he crossed in front of goal, it caused Jacobsen to open his legs up maybe a little too much. Hollis easily deposited the puck through the gap, and it was level at one.


Now that there's a five hole

The fourth Skanks attacker was Eric Allen, who had beaten Sterner earlier on the breakaway. Allen made the same deke move to Sterner's glove side as earlier, but this time Sterner stretched all 17 inches of his left leg, and kept the puck out. He strained a testicle, but at his age he doesn't use them anymore. It was still 1-1.


"Ow, my nut..."

Now Dawgs captain and reformed human vacuum Marty Richardson had a choice to make. Who would take the all-important fourth shot; the one that could give his team a huge advantage in the shootout?

He asked the entire Dawgs team for advice, and the answer was unanimous:

Not Matt McGarvey.


Uh...no

So Richardson turned to French-Canadian import Bernie Levesque, who was on the bench taping a white towel to his stick for reasons unknown. He stopped what he was doing long enough to put another great move on Jacobsen, and backhand the puck into the corner to give his team the lead, 2-1.


"Et, le but! Le but!"

The last Skanks shooter saved Sterner the opportunity to choke like he was eating a dick sandwich, when the puck rolled off his stick when he tried to go to his backhand. The Dawgs had their hard-fought win, and another valuable two points.



It gets no easier for the Dawgs this week, when they face off against the Sublixators, who are currently leading the EAHL in most goals scored, and least goals given up. Game time in 9:20.

In other Dawgs news:

Fresh off his big shootout victory, this week goalie Al Sterner signed a contract to be the new spokesman for Michelin Tires.


Do these pads make me look fat?

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson signed a huge deal this week to star in a remake of a popular 70's film:



Dawgs forward Dan Pham celebrated a little too hard after the win this week, and wasn't quite ready for the Xerox promotional photo shoot on Wednesday morning.


"Dammit, smile, Daniel! Aw, fuck it..."

Seeing police after the game, defenseman Rick Zimmat looks for a place to stash his giant bag of weed.



Marty Richardson's wife Cindy gets the reaction she was hoping for after an undisclosed surgical procedure:

Travis Hollis' Dream Kick

Oh, doctor! Make sure your sound is up when he cranks that right foot. Full fight story is below.

Travis Hollis Stays Undefeated With Stunning KO

Travis "Bloody Fist" Hollis, easily the baddest cat in Dawg Nation, raised his MMA record to 4-0 Saturday night with an electrifying knockout over Adam Limon. The fight ended suddenly at just 36 seconds of the first round.

Hollis now has earned a title fight, which will come at the fittingly named December 5th "King of Champions" event at the Crown Plaza Hotel.

Hollis' fight Saturday was much different than his previous two matches, which were spent mainly grappling on the mat. Limon is a former Golden Gloves boxer, and obviously wanted to stay upright in order to make the best use of his more comfortable skills.

The two fighters spent the first 15 seconds feeling each other out, with Hollis throwing a few kicks to the outside of Limon's knees. Limon dropped his gloves several times, attempting to block the kicks.

That move would cost him dearly just 20 seconds later.

After they went down together for just a few seconds, the fighters popped right back up and resumed a classic boxing stance. Limon once again dropped his left glove down, anticipating another low kick to his knee.

Bad idea.

In the blink of an eye, Hollis unleashed a thunderous right foot that hit Limon squarely on the left jaw. The cracking sound of the impact would have been sickening if it hadn't been so perfect. It immediately turned out Limon's lights, and he went crashing face first to the canvas.

Nighty night, Adam. Pleasant dreams...

It was obvious that no count was necessary, as the referee quickly stopped the contest. Hollis thrust his right hand in the air, as the raucous crowd at the Red and Jerry's Arena went absolutely insane. He landed his shot- the one a fighter dreams about through all the hours of training.

To his credit, Hollis didn't continue to throw punches as often happens when an opponent is down and vulnerable.

He knew his work was done. Next case.

Dawgs Streak Hits 20 With 7-4 Win

The Dawgs I squad flexed their muscles once again last Tuesday night, running their season record to 7-0, and their EAHL unbeaten string to 20 with a solid 7-4 victory over Cobra Kai.

The Hump Line continues to be in great form, totaling 11 points in the contest. EAHL leading scorer Shaun Hollis piled up five of those points, with his second consecutive hat trick and two assists, while linemates Dan Pham and Matt McGarvey each notched a goal and two helpers.


This photo may come in handy later

Ageless wonder Dennis Heaton banged in his fifth of the fall season, and semi-defenseman Tito Pijanowski put on another of his patented end to end rushes, wristing in his second.

Goalie Al Sterner, who this week was pulled kicking and screaming into the golden years of his life, went brain dead in the third period, giving up three goals, but still held on for the win. He spoke with reporters after the game.

"Al didn't like giving up those goals in the third. Now the game feels like when Al has sex with his cousin. You get the job done, it feels good for a minute, but it's a little bit wrong."


Sterner cousin

The game was tight early, with each team getting one goal in the first period. Hollis put in his first, and then Tony Garin answered for Cobra Kai with the first of what would be all four of his team's goals.

In the second, Pham, Pijanowski, and Hollis all tallied to give the Dawgs some breathing room. Cobra Kai didn't have an answer, and the good guys were up 4-1 heading to the third.

In the final frame, Garin was given credit for a goal that never crossed the line to close the gap to two, but McGarvey and Heaton quickly restored order to put the game out of reach. Sterner then gave up a softie, as a Garin shot deflected off the heel of his glove, bounced over Sterner's shoulder, and trickled in.


Sterner, third period

Hollis and Garin matched goals late in the game to make the final 7-4. Hollis is now way ahead in EAHL scoring stats, with 14 goals and 11 assists, six points clear of HTM's Ryan Robinson. McGarvey sits in fourth, with seven goals and nine assists, and Pham is tied for sixth, with 11 goals and an unbelievably crappy four assists.

A look at the EAHL standings shows the Dawgs leading the league in goals, with 50, and have the lowest goals against, with 25.

After a bye week, the Dawgs now face maybe their toughest test thus far, when they play the Ice Pack at 10:40. Because of the success of last week's promotion, the Dawgs announced that Tuesday will be Tito Pijanowski Bobblehead Night. The first 10,000 fans will not only receive the rare collectible, but will be elligible for a drawing in which they can get angry and beat the shit out of anyone that gives them a dirty look.

In other Dawgs news:

Winger Brad Stabio is starting to have some concerns about his new son Oliver:

Dawgs MMA hero Travis Hollis shows his favorite part about training for his next match:


This move is called "the teabag"

During their week off, Dawgs stars Shaun Hollis and Matt McGarvey tried their hand at yet another new sport.

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson this week selected a Halloween costume that would suit his personality.

Dawgs Refuse To Lose- Triumph In Shootout

It looked like the streak was over. 18 consecutive EAHL games without a regulation defeat. With six minutes left in the third period Tuesday night, the Dawgs I squad was actually behind for the first time in forever. Well, it was a nice run, while it lasted.

Not so fast...

Dawg star forward and ongoing tremendous pussy Shaun Hollis' clutch goal with just a few minutes left in regulation sent the game to an overtime shootout. And then two big penalty shot goals were enough in the extra session, as the Dawgs prevailed 6-5 over the Misfits in easily the best game of the EAHL winter season.

Hollis seized back his team goal scoring lead with a huge hat trick, now giving him 11. Dan Pham scored his 10th of the season, and young Michael Heaton came within an assist of a Gordie Howe hat trick, scoring a goal and getting into his first adult league scuffle.

It looked early like it was curtains for the Dawgs streak, which dates back to February of 2008. Just four minutes had elapsed when a Misfits defenseman took a shot from the point that banked off Dawgs defenseman Rick Zimmat's skate, and into the goal. 1-0, bad guys.

A couple of minutes later, the Misfits lead was doubled when forward Chris Thornton crossed in front of the net, and lifted a backhand that was partially deflected. The puck bewildered Dawgs goalie Al Sterner, who should have dealt with the shot, and went in over his blocker to make it 2-0.

Paging the "Hump Line". Hump Line, please report to center ice...

New linemates Hollis and Pham each scored quickly to draw to Dawgs level at two, with Matt McGarvey picking up an assist. But just a few minutes later, Misfits star Marc-Andre Piette made Sterner look like a moron on a breakaway, beating him through his gigantic five hole to take back the lead.


We're talkin' big 5-hole

Hollis got his second of the game before the end of the first frame, and the contest was even at 3-3 entering the second. This was definitely one of those nights where the opposing goalies were going to have to hang on to their asses, and try to do something to keep the other team in single digits.

Around halfway through the second period, the Dawgs grabbed the lead for the only time of the evening, when 18 year old Michael Heaton ripped a shot through a screen. The puck hit the heel of the glove of Misfits goalie Tom Lester, bounced over his shoulder, and trickled into the net for Heaton's fourth of the season.


Young Heaton

Heaton's evening would end just a couple of minutes later. After being high-sticked in the helmet by Misfit forward Joe Quinones, Heaton confronted Quinones after the whistle. Quinones punched young Heaton twice, and Heaton had no choice but to respond. Both players grappled on the ice and were ejected from the game. Heaton was also immediately grounded by his father Dennis, who was standing nearby during the altercation.

For some reason during the scuffle, Misfits defenseman Nick Stroot threw off his gloves, and challenged the Dawgs bench to fight. He found no takers, mainly because nobody on the Dawgs wanted to see Stroot ejected from the game. Stroot was much more valuable to the Dawgs staying on the ice, because he sucks major ass as a player, giving the Dawgs a better chance to win. Still, Stroot now joins Llamas defenseman Bobby Norris on the All-Shithead team in the EAHL.


Stroot

When play resumed, Piette made Sterner look like an idiot once again on a two-on-zero breakaway, the game was all knotted up at four heading to the third.

It stayed that way until the Misfits went on a power play with eight minutes left. After a goalmouth scramble, Piette muscled his way in front of the net, and completed his hat trick, giving his team a 5-4 lead. Things looked mighty gloomy for the Dawgs long winning streak.

But Hollis gave his team new life with just over two minutes remaining. He gathered a loose puck near the net, and slid it into the far corner, just beating Lester to the post. The last seconds of regulation ran out, and the Dawgs were heading to their first overtime shootout of the winter season.

For the shootout, the Dawgs decided to go with their big guns early, letting the Hump Line of Matt McGarvey, Shaun Hollis, and Dan Pham take the first three shots. That way they could build a nice lead for Sterner, who last won a shootout in 1993.

That would have been just a super strategy if any of the three had actually put the puck in the net.

McGarvey tried first and failed to score through Lester's five hole, making him zero for his last 59 shootout penalty tries.

Hollis followed by trying the old Peter Forsberg postage stamp move, cutting across the net and dragging the puck behind Lester. Unfortunately, as the golfers say, Hollis doesn't have that club in his bag, and the effort was stamped "return to sender".


Yeah, this will never happen...

Pham then tried the same move that had worked in the first period, cutting to his right and trying to lift a backhand over Lester. This time, the puck rang off the post, and the Hump Line ended up shooting blanks.

Meanwhile, Sterner was making great use of the horseshoe that he rammed up his ass right before the shootout. The first Misfit player hit the crossbar, and Sterner somehow managed to flop in front of the other two to keep matters scoreless in the overtime. But the fourth shooter found Sterner's weakness, Mr. Five Hole, and the Misfits had the lead with two Dawgs shooters left.

Now that the Hump Line had gagged like they were trying to swallow week-old Polish afterbirth, the Dawgs were forced to rely on rookie forward and snooty French Canadian immigrant Bernie Levesque. Levesque, whose name in French means, "the vesque", skated in alone on Lester, moved to his backhand, and roofed one to tie the shootout. He then went to the bench, started to chain smoke, and surrendered to everyone in the arena.


You know, because he's French. Try to keep up.

That left both teams even, and with one shooter left. For the Misfits, it just happened to be Marc-Andre Piette, who had made Sterner his personal bitch throughout regulation play. Piette, who appears to be in his early 20's, must have already been counting the goal as he skated in on Sterner, who turns 50 on Halloween.

But Sterner, who is smarter than he looks, remembered that Piette had made a deke move to his forehand on a penalty shot in the Quest for the Cup tournament in June, and had beaten Sterner like a bastard stepchild. Sterner guessed correctly that he would try it again, overplayed that way and stopped Piette for the first time in his life.

Take that, sonny...

Now the Dawgs had one last chance to bring home the shootout win and extend their magical streak. So they placed all their hopes and dreams on the stick of...



Dennis Heaton? No shit?

Heaton, also 50, graduated with Sterner from Pomona High School in 1976, and had to take the summer off from hockey while recovering from a tough case of Headgiver's Neck. He calmly skated to center ice, after being awakened by teammates. Having no other gear, he moved slowly into the zone, and veered to his right, so he could cut left across the net. While cutting, he moved the puck to his backhand, then somehow nudged the puck between Lester's pads, and into the goal to give his team the big win and two points in the standings.

Speaking to reporters after the game, Heaton said, "I haven't felt this good since the last time I was able to get a woody. That was 1985. I'm old."


Heaton-1985

Now 6-0 and four points clear of the rest of the league for the EAHL winter season, the Dawgs have one more game before their bye week. They play Cobra Kai Tuesday night at 9:00, and this week is Marty Richardson Bobblehead Night. The first 10,000 fans at the game will receive the collector's item, whose head moves up and down faster when you hold it closer to your penis.


No batteries required- that head will bob up and down forever


In other Dawgs news:

A look at EAHL statistics this week shows two players tied for the league lead in assists, with nine. One is not a surprise- Dawgs star forward Shaun Hollis. The other may come as a shock: Tito Pijanowski?

"Tito make pass..."

Because of his new fame, Pijanowski, who is listed in the Dawgs media guide as a "sort of a defenseman", realized his dream this week of appearing on a cereal box. But it wasn't exactly Wheaties:

Don't ever criticize my articles, Tito

This week Dawgs assistant captain Shaun Hollis broke up again with linemate Matt McGarvey, in order to spend quality time with new flame, golfer Phil Mickelson.


What, no reacharound? Selfish bastard...

Dawgs captain and former knob polisher Marty Richardson missed the game this week in order to spend time in Philadelphia. While there, he got carried away while rubbing the pectoral muscles of the famous Rocky Balboa statue. Embarrassingly, he achieved yet another spontaneous orgasm.

The 0-face just never stops being funny