Lots Of Different "Guys" In Beer League Hockey

So I’m 53, and I’ve been playing goalie around town for a long time. I’ve worked my way up the ladder of playing levels over the years (and am currently free-falling back down that ladder, by the way). In that time, I’ve noticed that there are certain categories that a lot of my fellow players fall into. I’ll try to describe some of these “guys” for you.

“Get Out of Jail Free” guy- These are guys that play in order to get away from the wife and family for a couple of hours. You can spot him easily- he has a case of Certs in his car so that the “ball and chain” doesn’t smell beer on his breath when he gets home.

Dude, grow some hair on your ass. You’re embarrassing the entire male gender. If you can’t cut the umbilical cord for three hours a week without being afraid, then you need to go home, leave the car running in the garage, and then suck on that tailpipe until you feel the sweet, sweet release of death. Jesus H. Christ…

(Writer’s note: And just in case you were wondering- yes, I’ve been married more than once. Kiss my ass.)
“Young Punk-Ass” guy- These are kids that have just gotten done playing youth hockey, and aren’t good enough to advance any further. So now the only place they have to go is the adult leagues. They almost all have three things in common- us old guys can’t catch them, they have that scraggly “pube” beard, and they run their mouth the entire game.

I hear a lot of phrases like “You can’t stop me, old man”. I usually respond with something clever, like “You’re right- but at least I can grow hair on my face, you dick-smoker”. There is nothing more satisfying than beating a team of punks, or failing to do that, at least hacking the shit out of their ankles with my goal stick.

You see, I’m naïve enough to believe that adult hockey still should be a gentlemen’s game, and 90 percent of the time, it is. Probably because I’m an old fart, most of the young players I play against (that’s under 40, by the way) will tap me on the pads if I make a decent save, or offer a quick apology if they hit my glove late after I cover the puck. But there are those few that don’t respect the game or their opponents, so they get to taste the business end of my big wooden blade.

“I Played Juniors” guy- These are players, normally in their late thirties or early forties, that made it all the way to the high levels of junior hockey, which is right below professional, before they flamed out and got sent home.

Now it’s two decades later, and most of them are still pissed that they didn’t make it. They’re almost all very good players, but they have a chip on their shoulder and are unnecessarily intense. When you ask them to relax a bit, the first thing they say is, “This is how I play- I used to play juniors”.

I always say the same thing: “You know how you can tell this isn’t juniors anymore? Because you’re trying to score on a fat old man, that’s how. Now settle the fuck down, Gretzky”.

“Here For the Beer” guy- Usually in the lower level leagues, these guys are clearly there to hang out with the lads and drink beer in the parking lot. If they had a choice, they would just go ahead skip the hockey part and get right to the beer part. Nothing wrong with that at all- just don’t expect a big performance on the ice from these boys.

I sub a lot in leagues around town, mostly because they know they can get me normally on a moment’s notice. I’m a hockey whore- I just like to play. When I step into a strange locker room, I can spot the Here For the Beer guy a mile away. He’s the last one to get dressed, and he’s talking about everything but hockey.

At that point, I usually know two things. One, he plays defense. And two, there’s a better than average chance that I’m going to get my ass kicked when he’s on the ice.

“I Can’t Make It Tonight” guy- This is the guy that signs up for the team, pays the full amount, and then shows up for less than half of the games. Most of the time it’s because the games are too late, and he needs to get his sleep. I’ve never been able to understand this.

This dicklump knows at the start of the season that half of the games are after 10:00, but still signs up, takes a spot on the team that could go to someone that will show up every week, and then will only bring his ass to the early games. It’s even worse when this is a good player, and it makes a big difference when he’s there. Does he know or care that he ends up paying $50 a night to play, and he’s letting 14 other guys down?

Maybe it’s just me, but even at 53, I still get that little tingle in my stomach when I wake up in the morning, and I realize that I get to play hockey that night. I love playing that much, and losing sleep sure as shit isn’t going to keep me away. Like my dad always says, I’ll have time to sleep when I’m dead. I’ve never understood why everybody doesn’t feel the same way.

"Mount St. Helen's" guy- This is usually a good player that is really quiet or good natured on and off the ice; but do not piss him off. He's like a dormant volcano- every few years he's going to erupt. And when he does, you had better hang on to your ass.

It normally happens during a game, when some fartknocker from the other team will give him an unnecessary elbow, kick his skates out from underneath him or bang his teammate just to be an asshole. It typically has to happen more than once- he'll get the first cheap shot for free.

But when it happens the second time, and especially if the guy does it to someone else on his team, you'll hear that little rumble below the surface. Uh-oh, here comes the part where somebody gets an ass-kicking...

My favorite example of this came a few seasons ago, when our captain, who isn't a big guy, got cross-checked hard late in the game by some boner that didn't like losing very much. Our big defenseman, whom I like to call "Tito", slammed the guy to the ice and jumped on top of him before he could figure out what was happening.

The guy struggled for a second, but Tito said in a real calm voice, "If you move, I'm going to fucking kill you". So the guy just laid there like a pussy until the refs pulled Tito off the prick. It was brilliant.

The lesson: Don't make Tito angry. He'll seal your fate.

“Way, Way Too Serious” guy- You can tell right away who this is. If your team happens to lose a game, he’ll come into the locker room, dress real fast, and then silently storm out with his panties in a bunch, slamming doors behind him. Won’t even stay to drink the free beer in the parking lot.

The other players will sort of look at each other, smile and shake their heads. This isn’t the first, nor will it be the last time that Way Too Serious Guy makes an ass out of himself.

I’m ashamed to say that I was occasionally that guy, but not nearly as much since I’ve gotten old. And it’s always been for the same reason- I’ve been a complete sieve. I don’t really care if the rest of the team plays badly- that happens sometimes. I just hate it when I’m the reason we lose. It’s hard to look everyone in the eye after the game when I’ve spent an hour and a half being a big block of Swiss cheese.

“Ringer” guy- This is the guy that has “A league” ability, but chooses instead to dominate the “D league”. I hate this dickhead- he’s a coward and a queef. He should be playing with guys of his own ability, but opts to skate circles around old men and once-a-week warriors just to feed his massive goddamn ego.

The bad part is that he gets away with it most of the time. League directors are so afraid of having an entire team move and losing that revenue, that they’ll look the other way and let him stay put. I hack that prick every chance I get, even if it costs me a goal.

“Whole Team of Ringer” guys- Now this is even worse. You get an entire team that should be playing at least one level up, but they stay down and just lay waste to the rest of the league.

I think if players are paying a bunch of money to play hockey (except goalies of course-we usually play for free because, you know, we’re just that fuckin' special), then they should know at the start of the season that they at least have an outside chance to win the league. It’s really demoralizing to know that you’re playing for second, and you still have 20 weeks left in the season.

When I play against teams like that, I usually spend most of the time talking shit before faceoffs in our end. I’ll call out something like, “Hey fellas, I guess there wasn’t room in the wheelchair division, so you signed up for this league?” Or, “So does your wife beat the shit out of you at home, and this is the only way you can feel good about yourself?” Then usually I’ll fall back on guessing what they’re doing sexually to each other in the locker room after the game. I know that’s immature, but I’m good at it, so there.

It’s the only time I ever talk trash playing this game. I just hate that these gutless turds won’t play at their own level, and it takes the fun out of the game for the rest of us.

“Unsolicited Instruction” guy- This is usually an older player, and not the team captain. Before games and between periods, he’ll stand up and go over the game plan, and what the team has to do to be successful. Of course, nobody has asked for this.

There’s usually one tiny problem. He sucks ass, and makes more stupid mistakes out on the ice than everybody else. Then he’ll come right back to the bench and start talking strategy again. This makes it very hard for the rest of the team to take him seriously when he starts going all Scotty Bowman on us.

“Brand New Gear” guy- You see this again in a lot of the lower leagues, especially with the goalies. It’s normally some rich boy that can afford to get decked out in all the latest and greatest equipment. $800 skates, custom leg pads, custom painted helmet, etc. Head to toe, top of the line gear. By the time he’s done, he’s into it for about four grand.

Now here’s the funny part. All the money and sweet pads in the world won’t change the fact that he can’t stop a fucking beach ball. He sure looks good while he’s digging the puck out of the net, though.

But I’m probably just jealous because I have a running tab at Play It Again Sports. I buy Brand New Gear Guy’s shit when he gets frustrated, quits, and moves on to golf. Then I’ll buy his clubs when he sucks at that, too. I’m kind of like the buzzard of the sporting goods world. I’ll just circle above you until your ability is drained, and then swoop down and feed off your dead equipment.

Why? Because I have four kids, that’s why. They have this annoying, selfish habit of wanting to eat every day, and I'm told that you're supposed to put food on the table before you buy new hockey shit. Responsibility blows...

“Looking For a Fight” guy- You see this way too often. Most of the time these miserable cocksuckers aren't even there to play hockey. The only reason they come is so that they can get into some kind of scrap with the other team. I assume that their home life or their job sucks so badly that this is the only way they can cope.

You can tell right from his first shift, when he’ll take someone hard into the corner, and then give them the old “BMOC badass” stare all the way to the penalty box. There is going to be trouble, especially if someone on the other team, usually a kid, will take the bait.

Sometime in the third period, especially if his team is losing, he’ll cheap shot a guy from behind, and then drop his gloves like he‘s one of the Hanson brothers. Sometimes he even gets a sucker to drop his gloves too (again, usually a youngster). Then he’ll get escorted off the ice, still with that bad look on his face. You can set your watch by it.

God, I hate those fuckers.

Most leagues here in town have gotten it right by charging these blockheads a hundred bucks to get back into the league if they fight once, and then toss them out completely if they do it again. The league I play in has given a certain dick-brain numerous chances, and refuses to bounce his criminal ass out even though he’s been in at least a dozen incidents. Someday he’s going to really hurt somebody, and they’ll wonder why they have a gozillion dollar lawsuit on their hands.

These are the pieces of shit that ruin adult hockey for everyone, and they seriously need to fuck off.

Now you might be wondering which category I fall into. Well, your chubby pal has his own special little niche.

I’m “Bust Everybody’s Balls” guy. If you’re new to this site, just look at any game story about my Dawgs team, and you’ll see what I mean. I usually focus on everybody’s ability, appearance, and sexual preference. Pretty heavy on that last one, actually. And the more I like you, the harder I bust on you. I get that from my dad, but that’s a whole other article.

I get away with it for three reasons. First, I smack myself as hard as anyone. Second, I only crack on people that I know are good sports. And third, well, I’m an old man, and I’m all cute and cuddly and shit. Old guys get away with murder.

If the boys got mad at me, it'd be like punching their grandpa. Sure, it would feel great at first, but later, after their mom called and chewed their ass out, they'd feel bad.

My Man Sully Promoting Jamestown, New York

Hey kids, when you get a chance, click over to a website called jamestownupclose.com. Right at the top of the page, you'll see a red stripe that enters a contest to launch their new website. All you have to do is give them an email address, and you'll be entered to win a stay at a really nice hotel up there. No obligations- just a way to get people to look at their website.

My teammate and good friend Mike Sullivan is in charge of the promotion for the new site, and the more hits he gets, the better he looks. And if you watch the video, anything that makes Sully look better is a very good thing.

It just takes a minute, so do your little pal a favor and visit, okay?

Prince Edward Island - Salutations

I have a teammate originally from Prince Edward Island in Canada, and he sent this over to me today. This just kills me- I hope you guys like it too.

Sully Scores In Old Dawgs 5-1 Win

The Old Dawgs impressed once again last Thursday night, skating past Touchstone Imaging, 5-1. The victory, combined with the Coyotes 3-2 overtime loss to B&K Supply, stretches the Dawgs' lead to eight points in the SDOHL standings.

The Old Dawgs featured a balanced attack, with five different skaters lighting the lamp. Tito Pijanowski and his baboon heart scored his second of the season with three assists, Rand Peterson his fifth, Dan Cashman notched his fourth, and Mario Lopez banged in his sixth of the winter campaign.

But the real story of the game was 68 year old Mike Sullivan, who scored his first of the season, and first since joining Dawg Nation last summer. His second period redirection of a Pijanowski shot now gives him one more goal than two other skaters on the Dawgs roster, who are apparently more comfortable holding other things in their hands besides hockey sticks.


Jimmy Tiernan


Eddie Cribbs

Goalie Al Sterner returned from yet another knee injury and got his seventh win of the year, turning aside 21 of 22 shots. He was helped greatly by his defensive corps, who limited the quality shots by Touchstone, and made it a fairly easy night in goal for the rapidly deteriorating Sterner.


Not his healthiest season

Pijanowski opened the scoring six minutes into the first period, on one of his patented end to end rushes, featuring the one-handed "polish snowplow".


We've missed that, Tito...

Less than a minute later, Rand Peterson doubled the Old Dawgs' lead, converting a nice feed from Mike Wimmer. So it was 2-0 heading for the middle frame.

Then, at the 16 minute mark of the second, it was time for some history. Pijanowski passed the puck from the point, and Mike Sullivan, who was camped out in front of the net, one-timed a laser past Touchstone goalie Vince Sciandra. Sully now has scored goals in six different decades of playing hockey, and will only be 76 when he gets his chance to improve that record in 2020.

Or there might be one other small possibility...



The Old Dawgs bench erupted, and made so much noise that, for a moment, Sully thought it was 1945, and everyone was celebrating VJ Day. Confused, he joined in.


"Uh...yeah! Fuck the Japs!"

After the game, Sully celebrated his accomplishment by performing a perfect "Tebow", kneeling as he came out of the shower, only wrapped in a towel. Horrified teammates encouraged him to get up, yelling: "Sully! God wants you to get dressed!"

The game seemed a little anticlimactic after the big goal, but the Old Dawgs scored two more in the third period to put the game out of reach. Dan Cashman banged in a rebound from a Mario Lopez shot, and 30 seconds later Lopez took a great cross ice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, skated across the crease, and beat Sciandra to close out the Dawgs scoring.

Sterner lost his shutout five minutes into the third, and it would be impolite to name the player who was completely responsible for giving away the puck, resulting in the lone goal.

But his initials are: Tito Pijanowski.




The Dawgs now face Team Yellow, featuring league scoring leader Paul Truex. Game time is 9:55.

In other Old Dawgs news:

This week, an old army photo was found of Old Dawgs forward Mike Sullivan who served in the Vietnam War (no shit, he really did). He's hardly changed one bit over the years.



Okay, maybe he changed a little. Still a handsome devil, though...

Little Alexi Richardson accidentally walked in this week while her parents Marty and Cindi were having sex. She still can't get this look off her face:


"It looked like daddy was winning!"

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan was arrested after being caught jacking off in a theater while watching the movie Warhorse.


"Jesus Christ- didn't you see his flanks?!!"

I'm Like Phil Collins, But Not In a Good Way

When I was a much, much younger man, back in the late 70's and 80's, I loved a band called Genesis. In fact, I still do. They played just the kind of music I love, and had a string of hits well into the 90's. But I never got to see them live during their heyday, because they never came to Denver. Phil Collins came a few times as a solo act, and I enjoyed that, but the music was different than when the trio played together.

When they split up later in the 90's, I never thought I'd get the chance to see the group play. Then about four years ago, they got together for a reunion tour that would include a night at the Pepsi Center here in Denver. Well, after spontaneously shitting my pants, I jumped on line the first day and scored good seats. I couldn't have been more excited- my older brother Dale and I would finally get a chance to see the band we'd loved for almost 30 years.

We showed up, along with a shitload of other people around our age, and had a great time for two hours. They played almost all the songs we love, but because their library is so huge, left out a few that we would have liked to hear. It would have taken all night to play every one of their best songs, so we understood.

But there was something just a bit off. The music didn't quite have the same intensity as the original albums, and Phil had to sing a couple of keys lower, because he couldn't hit the high notes anymore. It didn't make the concert bad- it was just different.

It was then that I realized that it was because these guys were just getting fuckin' old. The boys were in their mid 50's, they all gained a little weight, and just couldn't quite bring the same game that they had as younger men. I only ever heard the songs as they were played on the CD's, never live, so I had nothing for comparison over the years. And honestly, it made me a little bit sad.

I bring this up because I just saw a concert of theirs over the holidays called When In Rome, which was recorded in Italy during that same reunion tour. I really enjoyed it, but again noticed that they couldn't play the way they did twenty years earlier. But they really seemed to enjoy performing together again, and the huge crowd in Rome loved the show.

Seeing that concert has made me realize something: the exact same thing is happening to me as a hockey player. Now, please don't get me wrong. I could never play hockey like Phil Collins plays drums. But I'd like to think that at one time, I could at least hold my own in a pretty high level skate.

But these last couple of years, I've discovered that I just can't do the things I did ten years ago. I used to have a pretty decent glove hand, but I tore a rotator cuff a few seasons ago, and it just doesn't have the same snap anymore. I can't kick out for the low shots as far as I did in the past, and both knees are so beat to shit, it takes an extra second to get back up after going down to block a shot.

So just like Phil and the boys in Genesis, I'm playing in a lower key these days. But you know what? I'm enjoying the game more now than at any other time in my life. And here's why:

1) If someone would have told me 20 years ago that I would still be playing hockey three or four times a week at age 53, I would have told them they were fuckin' nuts. After playing so much hockey, plus 25 years of soccer, I thought my chubby ass would have been done long ago. I'm playing on borrowed time here, and I know it.

2) I'm taking this shit a lot less seriously than I used to. When I was playing at a higher level, I wouldn't be able to sleep if I had a bad game. And I was so competitive, I was constantly barking at my teammates if they made mistakes, which I'm still not very proud of. But I've dialed down the intensity a lot over the past few years, though I still do die a little bit every time I let a goal in. And yes, I yell "fuck" every time I have to dig the puck out of my net.

Okay, so I'm still a little competitive.

3) Here's the most important reason I'm loving the game more than ever: I get to hang out two nights a week with my best friends. And I think most of us are to the point now where the beers in the locker room after the game are at least as important as what happens out on the ice. We tell jokes, tell stories about our kids, rehash the game, and bust each other's balls for over an hour. It's brilliant.

This past month, I've been hobbling on a bad knee, so I have had to sit out some games while waiting for the damn thing to heal well enough to try again. But you can bet your ass I've still been there every week, "coaching" from the bench, and hanging with the boys afterwards.

Recently, I read a story about Phil Collins, and how a degenerative back condition has forced him to retire from playing the drums. I wondered if he would miss touring with his mates from Genesis, and what he'd do to occupy his time.

I know that day is coming for me too. The injuries are mounting, it's taking too long to recover, and goalie is the type of position in hockey where it hurts the team too much if you can't be at least halfway competitive. Sometimes you can bury a position player on a line with good teammates, but there's nowhere to hide if you're a keeper.

But I'll worry about that day later. For now, I'll just keep singing a few keys lower, and playing with less intensity than the good old days. Like my man Phil, I'm touring one more time with my best friends, and loving the fuck out of it while I still can.

Old Dawgs Stretch League Lead With Win

The Old Dawgs moved six points clear of the rest of the SDOHL last Thursday night, courtesy of a solid 6-2 win against the Over- 40's. The long Christmas break didn't seem to affect the boys, as they rolled to their second straight win.

Young goalie Timmy Kmetz, filling in for Al Sterner, who didn't get new knees from fuckin' Santa Claus like he asked, played very well, turning aside 17 of 19 shots. Unfortunately, the two goals given up actually raised the Old Dawgs goals against average for the season, so Kmetz is officially out as a backup keeper.


Dumb-ass...

The Old Dawgs came out strong in the first period, outshooting their opponent by an 11-6 margin, but couldn't solve Over 40's goalie Alan Callison. The first goal of the game came just over a minute into the middle frame, when Richardson received a nice feed from defenseman Greg Clinard, and shot a beauty into the top corner.

That lead would be erased ten minutes later, when former Old Dawg and current French bastard Bern Levesque scored two goals in less than 30 seconds. But right after the second goal, Levesque felt uncomfortable being on the team that was ahead, and quickly surrendered.



Just three minutes later though, the Old Dawgs drew level, as John Thielen received a terrific cross ice pass from Eddie Cribbs, and drilled one past Callison. And then with just over a minute remaining in the second, Mario Lopez gathered the puck and found Callison's five-wicket to give his team the lead for good.

The margin doubled just 23 seconds into the last period, when Richardson deflected a nice pass from Cribbs into the lower corner. Then Richardson completed his hattie eight minutes later on another assist from Cribbs and Clinard. And finally Dave Chamberlin closed out the scoring a minute before the end, taking a pass from Mike Freeman, rushing the puck into the Over 40's zone, and sniping Callison for his first of the year.

Chamberlin doesn't get much of a chance to attack, as he spends most of his evening covering for "defenseman" Tito Pijanowski, who wanders about on the ice like an old man with Alzheimers.


No, not that old man with Alzheimers...

The Dawgs now have a good test tonight, when they face off again with Touchstone Imaging. Sterner is going to try again in goal, so it could be a high scoring affair. Game time is 7:15.

In other Old Dawgs news:

Over the Christmas break, Old Dawgs forward Mike Freeman took an inadvertent puck to the head while playing on the pond belonging to Graham Richardson. The scar is barely noticeable.


Didn't get a scratch as a football player

This week Old Dawgs defenseman Jimmy Tiernan paid for cosmetic surgery for his girlfriend Trina. It didn't go as well as they had hoped, and Tiernan's interests immediately turned to opera.


"Dammit, I just wanted her to have bigger knockers..."

This week Cindy Richardson forced herself to have sex with her husband Marty. Afterwards, she drank martinis until she could erase that memory from her mind.


"Jesus Christ, that was the worst 28 seconds of my fucking life..."

This week Old Dawgs 68 year old forward Mike Sullivan, searching his "bucket list", wanted to try something he had never done. There wasn't much left he hadn't tried, so in desperation, he attempted to get a blow job from a Springer Spaniel.


Yes, Sully, it was a mistake to friend me on Facebook.

A Little Love From Lockwood

So I checked my email yesterday, and there was a nice note from a guy named Justin Lockwood. In case you're not sure who he is, Justin is the play-by-play radio announcer for Newcastle United in the English Premier League. He also would be the guy that's going bat-shit in the YouTube clip that's right below this article. If you haven't checked it out yet, please be sure to do so before you leave.

His call on the goal that brought his Magpies side back from a 4-0 deficit in the second half to tie Arsenal is absolutely epic. For me, it's right up there with Al Michaels' "Do you believe in miracles?" call from the 1980 Winter Olympics. In that 47 seconds, Justin completely captures the passion of English football, and how much it means to those people. To borrow an English phrase, it's just fucking brilliant.



I've watched sports in the United States all my life, and there are no fans in any sport here that compare to English and European football fans. And if you happen to have a match that features teams from the same region, or what they call a "derby" (pronounced darby), you can ratchet up the fan intensity tenfold. The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry is a love fest compared to Manchester United/Manchester City, Tottenham/Arsenal, and Newcastle/Sunderland. And that's just England- you should see a Real Madrid/Barcelona match in Spain, or a Rangers/Celtic game in Scotland. It's insane- there is nothing here that's even close.

Anyway, I was completely shocked and flattered when Justin sent the email, just to say hello and thank me for putting the clip up on my blogsite. And I have absolutely no idea how he discovered that I posted it. I get lots of hits from other countries- it always baffles me why anyone would bother to read this shit. But I'm grateful for everyone that does, and hope that maybe I can make them chuckle every once in awhile.

So now I get to add the name of Justin Lockwood to the growing list of famous people that have read my blog and sent along a note. For your convenience, I've placed them in alphabetical order. The roster now includes:

Justin Lockwood

Okay, it's not growing that quickly. I guess all the other celebrities are shy.