This is my kid Mike. He knows this is the kind of thing that busts me up.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Regular Season Awards Pile Up In Dawg Nation
The Dawgs I team ended the regular season last Tuesday night with another come from behind win against the Skanks. Down 5-2 in the third period, the boys scored the next seven goals against a stunned Skanks goalie Brent Black, and came away with a big 9-5 victory.
Young proctologist-in-waiting Josh Adams continued his hot play, scoring a hat trick, which gives him six goals in his last four games. Also, young Asian American citizen-in-waiting Daniel Pham added two, giving him seven in his last four contests.
Pham-scoping out some fellow immigrant ass
Semi-defenseman Tito Pijanowski kept his streak of good play going, putting in his sixth in the last four games, and adding two assists. Plus part time player and full time Democrat/Communist pinko Rhett Brantley knocked in his second of the season, and notched two assists.
Brantley, far right
Matt McGarvey rounded out the scoring with his second in the last three games, as he continues to bust out of that sphincter tightening, three month slump that lasted from late October until February.
The Dawgs now roll into the playoffs, where they'll open against a very good Ozone squad. The Dawgs took two out of three against Ozone during the regular season, but all were very close contests. Game time is 9:30.
In Other Dawgs News:
This week, in a special ceremony, the Edge Adult Hockey League (EAHL) handed out their regular season awards. Because of their successful season, many Dawgs received prestigious honors. They are as follows:
The Vagina Trophy- Named for the old Canadian goalie Georges Vagina, who tragically died in 1948 due to complications from a yeast infection. This is given to the EAHL goalie who sucks a little less than the others, with the lowest regular season goals against average. For the first time in a winter season, Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner won the award with just a stellar 4.6 goals against average in the wide open EAHL.
Less than five, baby...suck it, other goalies!
He just edged out this guy:
Lou "Gimpy" McDougal
The Golden Pussy Award- Given to the player with the least penalty minutes in the league. This year's recipient, with a total of zero penalties, is Dawgs captain and former bunghole buccaneer Marty Richardson.
Richardson's trophy
The Brandon Yip Award- Awarded for Most Valuable Asian Center. For the third consecutive season, the honor goes to Daniel Pham. Finishing a surprising second was the Dawgs Chris Acuna, who isn't Asian or a center, but is infatuated with Asian pornography.
<The Silver Rover Award- Given to the best player who plays no real position, but wanders aimlessly all over the ice. This season, in a unanimous vote, the award goes to Dawgs defenseman/center/wing Tito Pijanowski.
"Lord, Tito born ramblin' man..."
The Dickhead Award- Goes to the player who makes the stupidest play of the winter season. Goalie Al Sterner was the odds-on favorite, making perhaps the worst decision in the history of hockey by trying to pass the puck to a teammate while coming off the ice for an extra attacker. Sterner instead centered the puck directly onto the opponents stick, giving him an easy empty net goal.
Sterner
But Sterner got the award stolen out from under his nose just this past week, when young Dawgs forward Danny Packard proposed marriage to his girlfriend Amber, thus flushing the rest of his life down the crapper (see full article below this one).
Don't do it, son...
Said Sterner, "I thought I had the damn thing won. But I got beat fair and square."
Scooby Doo Award- This goes to the player with the worst facial hair in the EAHL. This year's runnersup are Michael Heaton, Matt McGarvey and Shaun Hollis who all specialized in the "Puberty Beard".
But for the fourth consecutive season, the Scooby Doo goes to Mike Abdella and his faggity soul patch.
There's no competing with this...
The Johnny Weir Award- Given to the player who looks the most gay in civilian clothes. This season for the first time ever there was a tie. The award will be shared by- Brad Stabio jerking off a random stranger while wearing a really stupid hat:
and Brad Stabio smoking a cigar with his son while both are wearing a really stupid hat:
Goddamn, I love Facebook...
Young proctologist-in-waiting Josh Adams continued his hot play, scoring a hat trick, which gives him six goals in his last four games. Also, young Asian American citizen-in-waiting Daniel Pham added two, giving him seven in his last four contests.
Pham-scoping out some fellow immigrant ass
Semi-defenseman Tito Pijanowski kept his streak of good play going, putting in his sixth in the last four games, and adding two assists. Plus part time player and full time Democrat/Communist pinko Rhett Brantley knocked in his second of the season, and notched two assists.
Brantley, far right
Matt McGarvey rounded out the scoring with his second in the last three games, as he continues to bust out of that sphincter tightening, three month slump that lasted from late October until February.
The Dawgs now roll into the playoffs, where they'll open against a very good Ozone squad. The Dawgs took two out of three against Ozone during the regular season, but all were very close contests. Game time is 9:30.
In Other Dawgs News:
This week, in a special ceremony, the Edge Adult Hockey League (EAHL) handed out their regular season awards. Because of their successful season, many Dawgs received prestigious honors. They are as follows:
The Vagina Trophy- Named for the old Canadian goalie Georges Vagina, who tragically died in 1948 due to complications from a yeast infection. This is given to the EAHL goalie who sucks a little less than the others, with the lowest regular season goals against average. For the first time in a winter season, Dawgs goalkeeper Al Sterner won the award with just a stellar 4.6 goals against average in the wide open EAHL.
Less than five, baby...suck it, other goalies!
He just edged out this guy:
Lou "Gimpy" McDougal
The Golden Pussy Award- Given to the player with the least penalty minutes in the league. This year's recipient, with a total of zero penalties, is Dawgs captain and former bunghole buccaneer Marty Richardson.
Richardson's trophy
The Brandon Yip Award- Awarded for Most Valuable Asian Center. For the third consecutive season, the honor goes to Daniel Pham. Finishing a surprising second was the Dawgs Chris Acuna, who isn't Asian or a center, but is infatuated with Asian pornography.
<The Silver Rover Award- Given to the best player who plays no real position, but wanders aimlessly all over the ice. This season, in a unanimous vote, the award goes to Dawgs defenseman/center/wing Tito Pijanowski.
"Lord, Tito born ramblin' man..."
The Dickhead Award- Goes to the player who makes the stupidest play of the winter season. Goalie Al Sterner was the odds-on favorite, making perhaps the worst decision in the history of hockey by trying to pass the puck to a teammate while coming off the ice for an extra attacker. Sterner instead centered the puck directly onto the opponents stick, giving him an easy empty net goal.
Sterner
But Sterner got the award stolen out from under his nose just this past week, when young Dawgs forward Danny Packard proposed marriage to his girlfriend Amber, thus flushing the rest of his life down the crapper (see full article below this one).
Don't do it, son...
Said Sterner, "I thought I had the damn thing won. But I got beat fair and square."
Scooby Doo Award- This goes to the player with the worst facial hair in the EAHL. This year's runnersup are Michael Heaton, Matt McGarvey and Shaun Hollis who all specialized in the "Puberty Beard".
But for the fourth consecutive season, the Scooby Doo goes to Mike Abdella and his faggity soul patch.
There's no competing with this...
The Johnny Weir Award- Given to the player who looks the most gay in civilian clothes. This season for the first time ever there was a tie. The award will be shared by- Brad Stabio jerking off a random stranger while wearing a really stupid hat:
and Brad Stabio smoking a cigar with his son while both are wearing a really stupid hat:
Goddamn, I love Facebook...
Danny Packard Gets Engaged
It's been an eventful year for young Dawgs forward Danny Packard.
Last June, Packard finished his sixth and final year of college at Colorado State Universtity-Pueblo, receiving his degree in business, with a minor in advanced two-fisted drinking.
Then, late last year, Packard was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. But in the past several months, he has undergone two operations to remove the malignancy, the latest happening just in the past few days. He will continue to undergo treatment, but his prognosis is very good for a full recovery.
So after courageously battling against a deadly disease, and being well on the way winning that battle, Packard decided last week to end his life in a much more painful way by proposing marriage to his girlfriend Amber.
Seeking the most cliche way possible to pop the question, Packard ignored the freezing mountain elements and dragged Amber to a gazebo high atop the Sol Vista ski resort in Colorado. When they arrived, he got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring containing a 1/64th of a carat diamond he scored on a Blue Light Special at K-Mart.
"Look really close. Closer. See, it's a diamond. It is, too!"
Choking back tears, Packard gazed into Amber's eyes, and at just the right moment said, "Holy fuck, I wish I had worn a coat. I'm freezing my balls off. Oh, by the way, will you marry me? I'd like your answer now so I can get back in the car. Honest to God, I can't feel my nuts."
After momentarily laughing at the ring, and watching with curiosity as Packard's lips turned blue, Amber finally said "Well, I suppose you'd do until I can find somebody with some real money." She then sighed heavily and said, "Yeah...fuck it...okay. Fuck."
Packard had dreamed his whole life of hearing those exact words. He slipped the ring on Amber's finger, after making sure the sliver of a diamond hadn't fallen out of the tiny setting. He then felt a sudden, excruciating pain in his head. Fearing the worst, Packard was rushed to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with hypothermia. It was caused by the enormous amount of "Dippity-Do" hair gel that froze on Packard's head, leading to a critical case of "ice cream headache".
Packard recovered, but lost the use of the remaining 26% of his brain that was left after the drinking in college. Nobody will ever notice the difference.
Dawg Nation sends their best wishes to Danny and Amber, who will soon embark on their journey into marriage, resulting in the best eight weeks of their lives. After that, their marriage will be the same as everyone else: like being slowly eaten by a pack of wild dingos, until the sweet, sweet release of death.
Last June, Packard finished his sixth and final year of college at Colorado State Universtity-Pueblo, receiving his degree in business, with a minor in advanced two-fisted drinking.
Then, late last year, Packard was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. But in the past several months, he has undergone two operations to remove the malignancy, the latest happening just in the past few days. He will continue to undergo treatment, but his prognosis is very good for a full recovery.
So after courageously battling against a deadly disease, and being well on the way winning that battle, Packard decided last week to end his life in a much more painful way by proposing marriage to his girlfriend Amber.
Seeking the most cliche way possible to pop the question, Packard ignored the freezing mountain elements and dragged Amber to a gazebo high atop the Sol Vista ski resort in Colorado. When they arrived, he got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring containing a 1/64th of a carat diamond he scored on a Blue Light Special at K-Mart.
"Look really close. Closer. See, it's a diamond. It is, too!"
Choking back tears, Packard gazed into Amber's eyes, and at just the right moment said, "Holy fuck, I wish I had worn a coat. I'm freezing my balls off. Oh, by the way, will you marry me? I'd like your answer now so I can get back in the car. Honest to God, I can't feel my nuts."
After momentarily laughing at the ring, and watching with curiosity as Packard's lips turned blue, Amber finally said "Well, I suppose you'd do until I can find somebody with some real money." She then sighed heavily and said, "Yeah...fuck it...okay. Fuck."
Packard had dreamed his whole life of hearing those exact words. He slipped the ring on Amber's finger, after making sure the sliver of a diamond hadn't fallen out of the tiny setting. He then felt a sudden, excruciating pain in his head. Fearing the worst, Packard was rushed to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with hypothermia. It was caused by the enormous amount of "Dippity-Do" hair gel that froze on Packard's head, leading to a critical case of "ice cream headache".
Packard recovered, but lost the use of the remaining 26% of his brain that was left after the drinking in college. Nobody will ever notice the difference.
Dawg Nation sends their best wishes to Danny and Amber, who will soon embark on their journey into marriage, resulting in the best eight weeks of their lives. After that, their marriage will be the same as everyone else: like being slowly eaten by a pack of wild dingos, until the sweet, sweet release of death.
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