Holy Shit, I Just May Be Growing Up

I've played organized sports since I was nine years old. I played little league football and baseball, and did pretty well- I'd say I was maybe a little above average for my age group. I grew up in Casper, Wyoming, and we didn't have anything better to do but play ball every day, so you almost couldn't help but get good.

Then I moved to Colorado, got into high school, and switched over to soccer because I was way too small to play football and baseball. Shit, when I graduated I was 5'1" and weighed about 135 pounds. I didn't rocket all the way up to 5'6" until I was in college. Let's just say I didn't get that many recruiting calls from the football coach.

The thing that always remained constant when I was playing as a kid, and then in my 20's and 30's, was that I was what they call a little ball of hate. I'm sure it was to compensate for my lack of size, but I would work myself into such a competitive frenzy before the game, that once the whistle blew, I was looking for a chunk of somebody's ass. And it didn't matter how big they were.

I would spend the whole game talking shit to the other team, and if I got the chance playing soccer, I would go out of my way to slide tackle a guy, and kick his legs out from under him. Or when I played men's league softball, I would slide into a base hard and try to make contact with the opposing player. And the entire time, I would be running my mouth.

So in other words, I was, well...a dick. I'm not real proud of that fact, but I think a lot of guys go through that stage when they're young. Especially us little fuckers. Hell, I play hockey these days with and against a lot of kids, and I see them getting into scraps, and flapping their jaws a lot during games. It just makes me smile and flash back to another time.

Now that I'm an old fuck, I don't yap nearly as much as I used to. In fact, I'm just so goddamn happy that I still can play a little bit, most of the time I just concentrate on not embarrassing myself.

But make no mistakes- when the puck drops, I'm still a competitive little bastard. I recently wrote an article where I said that I die a little bit every time I give up a goal, and I can swear for three minutes without repeating a phrase. That's no shit. I fucking hate letting the puck in the net. I think you have to feel that way if you want to be any good.

But here's the part that doesn't have to happen. To borrow a phrase from Top Gun, sometimes my teammates get caught in the "jetwash" of my emotions, and I bark at them if they make a mistake. Most of the time it happens when I'm tired (ongoing sleep disorder), and I have a short fuse. But that's not a good enough excuse.

I know that kind of thing happens in adult sports all the time, where the competitive guy snaps, the teammate tells him to go fuck himself, and then they have a beer after the game and laugh about it.

But I don't want to be that guy anymore. At my age, I have a very short time left to play, and I just want to enjoy the game and my friends.

About six weeks ago, there were some things going on with my job, and I went through a period where I wasn't having fun playing, and it showed on the ice. Then one day, I got an email from a teammate, who happens to be one of my best friends. Instead of asking me why I was being a jackoff, he asked if everything was okay, and if there was anything he could do to help. I'll never forget that.

At that very moment I decided that I was going to do everything possible to start having more fun, and keep my emotions in check during games. And I'd like to think I've been pretty successful so far. I haven't said a discouraging word in a long time, and you know what? I'm playing better now than I have in years. There just might be a correlation there.

Then last week, I found out that a kid on our team that's in his early 20's has thyroid cancer. He's going to be okay, but he's going to have three surgeries to clean all the shit out of his system. He just started playing again last week, and he has a terrific attitude about it. In fact, he was in the locker room making jokes about having cancer, and how he was going to get his girlfriend to do all kinds of nasty stuff because he's going to tell her it "might be the last time they ever get to have sex". Only hockey players are twisted enough to clown about having cancer.

And I thought to myself, "You were worried about a men's league hockey game? What a fuckin' idiot. Go play, put a smile on your face, and shut the fuck up."

Last Tuesday night, I think the hockey gods may have been testing me and my new attitude a little bit. We were playing the team that we were tied with for first place, and the game was 3-3 with about five minutes left. We were on a power play, and one of my defensemen had the puck behind my net.

When he skated the puck to our corner to break out of the zone, he got tangled up with one our own players, and they both went down. A guy from the other team picked up the loose puck, and centered it to a teammate that was open in front of my net. I moved out towards him to cut the angle for his impending shot. No problem.

Then, just when the puck was about to reach that guy, my other defenseman stuck his stick out, and deflected the centering pass into my net. We ended up losing 4-3, and dropped out of first place. Between my two teammates crashing into each other, and my own guy knocking the puck past me, it was the perfect "clusterfuck".

Not very long ago, especially in a game that was so important, my teammates would have immediately witnessed the eruption of Mount St. Goalie. I would have come un-fuckin'-glued. But Tuesday night, I quietly skated to the corner, took a deep breath, and didn't say a word. My boy Sam, who is the other goalie in the family, happened to be at the game, and asked me later why I wasn't dropping f-bombs all over the place like I usually do.

The answer: I think possibly, at age 51, I just might be finally growing up.

Then in the last minute of the game, I was on the bench because they had pulled me in favor of an extra attacker to try and tie the contest. The other team shot the puck all the way down to our end, which should have been "icing". There should have been a stoppage of play, and a faceoff in their end.

Well, the referee, who was 19 or 20, waved off the icing, and everyone on our bench screamed bloody murder. He skated by and said, "They can ice the puck, because you pulled your goalie", which is just completely wrong. We never got the puck back into their zone, and time ran out.

The kid was standing near our bench right before the clock expired, and he had one of those "pube beards" where just a few hairs are sticking out of his chin. I leaned out over the boards and yelled, "Hey, by the way! Nice Scooby Doo beard, you cocksucker!"



Okay, so maybe the "growing up" thing is a work in progress...

Now I Can Say I've Been To The Nutcracker

So last night, I was coaching at my kid's hockey practice. The head coach of our team has never actually seen me play before, so that explains why he lets me coach the goalies. I have him convinced I have a clue- please don't tell him I'm full of shit. Coaches get to be on the bench for the games, and I really enjoy watching from there, instead of up in the stands with all the other humanoids.

Anyway, about 15 minutes in, I'm standing next to my kid Sam trying to give him some instruction. And he's doing a great job convincing me that I'm helping, even though we both know he's the one that should probably be teaching me how to do this bullshit.

The team was doing this passing drill, where they come down the ice, three at a time, pass the puck back and forth, and then take a shot. The kids at 13 and 14 can shoot pretty hard, so while the drill is in progress, I step pretty far off to the side so that I won't get hit by a stray shot. I wear a helmet, but that's really the only protection I have. Then when the drill goes back the other way, that's when I step back in and give some tips to Sam or Mac, who's our other goalie.

With me so far? Good...

So the boys took their shots at Sam, and I didn't really have anything to tell him at that moment, so I stayed about 15 feet to his left, watching the boys skate in the other direction. I didn't even look over at Sam.

Now, had I been looking that way, I might have noticed Assistant Coach Keith winding up to take an extra shot on Sam. He does that now and again to give the goalies a little extra work. Keith's a good friend of mine- big Canadian boy, about 6'2", 200 pounds. Grew up playing hockey, and can still shoot slap shots like bullets.

Had I also been looking in that direction, I may have also noticed that Keith was shooting from Sam's right, and I was on the left, still 15 feet wide of the goal.

Finally, if I would have looked in that direction, I just might have realized that Keith missed his shot very, very badly. So instead putting his slapshot on goal, the puck instead made a beeline for...

Wait for it...

My right testicle.

I don't know how it was possible, but that puck, which is 4 inches around and an inch thick, hit nothing except my right nut. Not "lefty", not any part of my leg, not even Mr. Pee Pee (good thing it hangs naturally to the left). I'm talkin' nothing else. Full impact, directly on the right clanger.

Kids, I've been playing sports for over 40 years, plus I have four kids, so I'm no stranger to getting hit in the gonards. Shit, pinatas haven't been hit as many times as my daughter has hit me in the balls. But I have never, ever experienced the pain that went through me when that missile connected with it's target.

From what I understand, I made the "Lee Harvey Oswald Face" when the puck arrived at it's final destination. What's the "Lee Harvey Oswald Face", you ask? It goes a little something like this:


By the way, super security job by the Dallas police on this one...

I felt an immediate burning pain, and looked down just in time for the puck to release from by nut, and drop harmlessly to the ice, right in front of me. At first glance, it did not appear that my right ball had done any damage to the puck. I made a grunt like Chewbacca from Star Wars, and looked for a soft place to lay down for a moment.

But for some reason, my brain wouldn't let me go down. Maybe because it knew that if I hit the ice knees-first, they would both snap like balsa wood, and I would have even more problems. So I dropped my stick and gloves, and headed immediately to the sanctuary of the locker room.

My good pal Keith came over right away, and did an admirable job of being very concerned, while trying not to laugh his ass off. I don't think he realized just how hard that goddamn puck hit me, and I was trying very hard to be a man in front of the kids.

I got into the locker room, and discovered that I was going to be ill, and very soon. That's always been my barometer for injury- I know I'm really hurt if I have to barf. And barf I did, boys and girls...

I stood there for awhile, and tried to wait for the pain to go away. That's what happens when you get hit in the nuts, right? It hurts for a little bit, and then subsides. Right?

Wrong. It ached, and ached, and then ached some more. I could tell that this was one that was going to linger for awhile. I went back out and tried to sit on the bench, but then about five minutes later, I had to go back in and blow chunks again. This was not good.

So practice ended, and I went to the coaches locker room and spent maybe the longest five minutes of my life, taking off my skates. And then walked gingerly out to the car, and spent the longest 10 minutes of my life driving home.

I didn't know what else to do, so I walked into the house, grabbed a bag of frozen cranberries, and headed downstairs to my easy chair. Believe it or not, this raised a little curiosity from my lovely wife Annie, as to why I was carefully placing the cranberries meant for Thanksgiving upon my groinal region, and whimpering like a starving puppy.

So I regaled her with my story, hoping for a little sympathy and concern. When I finished, I looked over, and she had her head buried in her pillow, her body silently shaking all over. And I guess Sam must have broken the news to my oldest son Mike, because I could hear that little fucker laughing all the way upstairs in his bedroom.

To her credit, Annie tried to make it up to me later on. She said her mom had given her some Percocets just in case we ever needed them, and she would be happy to run and get me one. She left for a moment, and then came sashaying down the stairs holding a little pill with a "P" etched in it. I was very grateful to her as I gobbled that sucker down, and didn't take any other medicine. I didn't want to risk mixing painkillers, and pull a Heath Ledger right before the holidays.

But I was still uncomfortable all night. The pain just wouldn't go away, and I hardly got any sleep. It was like the Percocet wasn't working at all.

That turned out to be because the pill wasn't a fucking Percocet. She accidentally grabbed a Prilocec, which is a heartburn medication. So the bad news was that there was nothing helping the throbbing in my nut. But the good news was that I could have eaten that chimichanga before bedtime without having to worry about anything.

Fuck me.

Dear Santa,

I'd like to think I've been a good boy this year. All I want for Christmas is a new family. At this point, they can even be French. I don't give a shit anymore. Dude, I'll do whatever it takes. I'll blow you at the mall. Just get me the fuck outta here, will you please, big fella?

Love,
Al

So this morning, after some medication that could actually help a little, some of the pain has subsided.

However, I've got a new situation, kids.

My right nut is currently three times the size of my left. For dimensional purposes only, imagine a golf ball next to a tennis ball. Neither are that big, but the difference is about right. I've got the cranberries out again (fuck it, I already wrecked Thanksgiving), and I'm hoping this gets better soon.

Otherwise I'm going to have to get some custom made khakis for work. Anyone out there know a seamstress?

Dawgs Get By Cobra Kai In Overtime Shootout

Well, a goalie duel it was not.

In a night where it was raining goals all over the place, the Dawgs improved to 9-2 for the winter season last Tuesday night with an 8-7 shootout win against Cobra Kai. The wild game featured several lead changes, end to end action, and an improbable hero that led his team to victory.

Combined with Ozone's unexpected 7-3 loss to the Ice Pack, the Dawgs now occupy first place all by themselves with 18 points, plus they have a game in hand because of an earlier postponement. Ozone is two points back, along with Dr. Five hole, who will be the Dawgs' opponents for the next two games.

Some of the Dawgs' goals were scored by the usual suspects, namely Nate Akell, and secret lovers Dan Pham and Tyson Dale. Akell notched his eighth of the season, while both Pham and Dale drove home two goals each.

But the story of the night was the dream game turned in by Dawgs captain and former pork sword swallower Marty Richardson, who not only scored the last two Dawgs goals in regulation, was a plus-six for the evening, but tucked in the shootout winner to lead his team to victory.


Isn't he a happy little fella?

Goalie Al Sterner, after having a reasonable game the previous week, came crashing back down to Earth like Christa McAuliffe, surrendering a touchdown and extra point of goals. But it was a night where his teammates scored just enough to bail out their 51 year old netminder.


Sterner's game

The Dawgs always seem to have problems with their good friends from Cobra Kai, and Tuesday night was no different. Young Tom DiNardo made Sterner his personal bitch, scoring a hat trick, and Jon Jay put in two of his own, adding to his legend of being one of the top 10 Canadian players on his team.


Jay

The game was a seesaw battle most of the way, with the score being 2-2 after the first period, and then 5-4 in favor of the Dawgs at the end of the second. But Cobra Kai forged ahead 6-5 with just a few minutes to play, and it looked like they were going to win another close contest, just like they did a few weeks ago.

Then in one shift, Richardson changed the whole outlook of the game by scoring two goals. He was playing on the same line as Pham and Dale, which is a little like this:

Richardson floating, center

But Richardson made the most of the opportunity, stuffing his second and third of the season past Cobra Kai goalie Jeff "Circle" Yerks, and giving his team a precarious 7-6 advantage.

But that lead lasted only a short time, when Jay slammed a rebound goal past Sterner to level matters, and send the game to an overtime shootout.

This was the first shootout of the winter for the Dawgs, and they sent out two of their top scorers, Pham and Dale, to take the first attempts. Unfortunately, both young players gagged like they would if they attempted to make love to a female.

Meanwhile, Cobra Kai's Tony Garin found the Carlsbad Cavern that is Sterner's five hole, and they took a quick lead in the shootout. But DiNardo and Jay missed, leaving the Dawgs only down 1-0 with three shooters remaining.

Nate Akell stepped up next, and did what he has been quietly doing all season, scoring to knot the shootout. Then Shaun Hollis, returning this week after a concussion sustained from vigorous oral sex with the dudes, roofed the puck past Yerks to give the Dawgs a 2-1 lead.

Cobra Kai's other Canadian import, Jon Ripley, then shot wide, and the Dawgs had an opportunity to close out the game with one more goal. But who would take the all-important shot?


Marty Richardson? No shit?

Richardson skated in, made a quick move to his forehand, and slotted the puck past Yerks to complete the best night of his life. This easily surpassed his wedding night, because the penalty shot lasted longer than Richardson did in bed.

In other Dawgs news:

The medical marijuana that defenseman Rick Zimmat is using to help recover from painful hemorrhoid surgery is beginning to have some undesired side effects:


Zimmat

Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis this week decided to break up with his new girlfriend after becoming "confused" about their sexual relationship.

"What do you mean it's just a picture? I was going to jump on that hog!"

Dawgs goalie Al Sterner and his other team, Go Green, this week won the Boulder Valley Fall League championship at the Superior Ice Arena. Here he is being photographed holding the Wyman Cup:


"Number one, bee-yotch!"

Sterner led the league in goals against, with a 1.92 average. Asked why his goals against average was over two goals higher on the Dawgs squad in the EAHL, Sterner said, "Shit, Al can only think of one possible reason".


Dawgs defenseman Tito Pijanowski

Sterner informed Dawgs captain Marty Richardson that because of his newfound success, he will immediately be holding out for a new contract. Until his terms are met, Sterner will not be wearing the Dawgs uniform.

Asked by reporters what his demands are, Sterner responded, "Al wants double what he got last season. Al deserves it. Now get out of Al's face."

Further research revealed that if Sterner's contract doubles, it will mean Richardson must now pay him eight dollars and give him two blowjobs instead of one.

"Al's open to an installment plan..."

The 10 Worst Movies Ever (Part 2)

Okay, we've dispensed with horrible movies 10 through six (see below if you haven't read them yet), and we're ready to count down the five worst movies of all time.


5. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Let me start by saying that I really like Adam Sandler. I know he annoys the crap out of a lot of people, and I totally understand that opinion. He's one of those guys that you either love or hate. I just happen to be in the camp that likes the guy. I've seen Happy Gilmore, Fifty First Dates and The Wedding Singer a million times. I even like The Waterboy.

But "Chuck and Larry" is a ball of shit for two reasons. First, Kevin James is in it, and I've hated him ever since he got way too competitive in the All Star celebrity softball game a few years ago. He was about to be tagged out at third base, and tried to mow down Derek Parra, who won the speed skating gold medal in Salt Lake City. Parra stepped aside, watched James barrel his fat ass right past him, and then looked at him, like "what the fuck are you doing?" Oh, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop sucked, too. A lot. Almost made this list.

Second, this is another one of those movies that tries to teach you a lesson, just like "The Day After Tomorrow" from earlier in the list. Sandler starts out being this manly fireman who cracks the occasional gay joke, and then enters into a "civil union" with James, so James can keep his benefits, or some such nonsense.

Then magically, Sandler is transformed, and sees the error in his old ways. By pretending to be gay, he sees just how hurtful those gay jokes were, and from now on, he's going to be sensitive to their plight. It includes the big cliche speech at the end. (You can't see now, but I'm making the "jerk off" sign with my right hand. Because, you know, I'm a rightie when it comes to that.)

I just don't have time for any person or group that can't make fun of themselves. If you've read anything in this blog, you'll notice that I goof on everything and everyone, including myself. The name of the damn blog should be a pretty good clue. People just need to lighten the hell up, and have some fun with who they are.

Oh, there was one redeeming feature to this movie. It's this:



That there is Jessica Biel's butt, which should have it's own place in the Louvre. Right next to the Mona Lisa. I'm not kidding...

4. The Replacements

I had to include a Keanu Reeves movie. He is easily the worst actor of our generation, and this movie is just a big bag of fertilizer. It's about a bunch of guys that sign up to play pro football while the regular pros are out on strike (replacements- get it?), and Keanu plays Shane Falco, the quarterback with huge potential that lost his confidence when he played like shit in the Sugar Bowl.

Joining Reeves in this abortion is none other than Gene Hackman, who must have lost a bet to take this role. He's the grizzled old coach, who is also getting a second chance to take the helm of a pro team. Even wears the Tom Landry hat.

The story itself is okay, I guess, except you just can't get past the fact that Keanu is a horrible actor. At the climactic point in the movie, he's in the huddle, looks around and says, "Gentlemen, it has been an honor to share the field of battle with you", and honest to God, it sounds like he's reading the line off of cue cards for the first time ever. When I saw it originally, I actually crapped a little in my pants.

Plus the football scenes are completely out of sequence, which is a real dealbreaker for me. Things like being called for a 15 yard penalty at midfield, and then when they snap the ball next, it's at their own one yard line. There's actually one scene where Falco's calling a play at the line, and they show Gene Hackman on the sidelines, standing next to Falco. There's just no excuse for that kind of shit.

The funny part is- I watch this movie every time it comes on. I don't know about you guys, but sometimes you have to listen to a song you hate, or watch a movie you hate, just so you can say at regular intervals, "Fuck me, this is bad!"

Okay, maybe that's just me.

3. Rocky V

In the last article I said that I could only think of one sports movie that had a good sequel, and Rocky is it. In fact, there were two good sequels, with Rocky III I believe being the best one. Apollo Creed teaching Rocky how to be fast so he could knock out Mr. T was brilliant. Unfortunately, that's kind of where the train went off the tracks. Stallone should have let it go right there.

Rocky IV was barely okay, but I wish Apollo hadn't gotten killed, and it got preachy again at the end where Rocky stood in the ring and rambled on about how countries could change if fight fans could change, or some bullshit like that. That really should have been the last one.

But Stallone couldn't leave well enough alone, and destroyed the entire franchise by making Rocky V. In this one, he for some reason gave his alchoholic brother in-law Pauley power of attorney, and Pauley lost all their money in some sort of bad investment. Bullshit.

Then they have to move back to the slums of Philly, because there's no way a beloved world champion could ever find a way to make a living. Bullshit again.

Now penniless, Stallone takes on a protege (a boxer named Tommy Morrison that ended up with AIDS in real life) that eventually betrays him, and meanwhile he has to teach his son (played coincidentally by his own son Sage) how to fight so he doesn't get gang-fucked, ghetto style after school. Always a bad idea to put your family in a movie, especially when they've never been in front of a camera before. Also a bad idea to name a boy Sage. Might as well name him, Hey Everybody, Kick My Ass.

Rocky ends up winning a streetfight with the evil protege at the end, which still leaves him with no money, and possible HIV from Morrison bleeding all over him. It was just a shame to watch Stallone piss away an American icon in one last grasp at making a couple of bucks. Not many people remember this, but the original Rocky won the Academy Award in 1977.

No shit.

Stallone knew he fucked up, and tried to redeem himself one last time with Rocky Balboa two years ago. I wanted so badly to like that movie, but it sucked, too. This just makes me sad- let's move on...

2. St. Elmo's Fire

If you didn't watch movies in the 80's, you probably won't recall the Brat Pack, which included Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Andrew McCarthy and Ally Sheedy. They were in a ton of teen movies, mostly by John Hughes (who recently went tits up), and were the hottest thing on the planet.

Anyway, they were all in this steaming shit brick, where six young graduates from college can't figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. What they should have done was all get into a minivan, and drive that fucker off of a cliff. Would have saved me three bucks (movies were cheap back in the 80's).

A few of the highlights:

The Andrew McCarthy badass look. Used it in all of his movies when things got intense. This was the best example I could find:



He brought "the look" out when Judd Nelson was fighting with him over Ally Sheedy. I got the same look wondering who the hell would fight over Ally Sheedy.

Rob Lowe playing the saxophone. Worst job I've ever seen of someone making believe they were playing a musical instrument. He's even wearing a headband, has a dangling earring, and a muscle shirt with bats on it. Check this out:



He would have been more believable if he would have had some dude's dork hanging out of his mouth instead of that horn. Bitchin' 23 inch chest, by the way.

Demi Moore's suicide attempt. Everything falls apart for Demi's character, so she tries to off herself by...wait for it...locking herself in a drafty room. "Oh my God, Jules! You're going to freeze in there! Please open the door, honey!". Back in those days, Demi was pretty beefy, so she could have survived for weeks.

Anyway, they get it all figured out by the end. Neither Judd Nelson or Andrew McCarthy get Ally Sheedy, Demi doesn't die but keeps that big old husky voice for the rest of her life, and Rob Lowe goes to New York to play fake sax, but not before taking the virginity of a fat chick before he leaves.

You know how to make love with a fat girl, right? Roll her in flour, and then go for the wet spot. (My dad told me that joke when I was a teenager. He's the reason I am how I am.)


Anyhoo, this was my least favorite movie of all time until just recently. Then this film came on HBO, and I decided to check it out because it got a decent review when it was in theaters. And it immediately made it's way to the very top of my hate list.

That movie is...

1. Mamma Mia

As in, "Mamma mia, this is the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my life." I don't even know where to begin with this.

I guess I could start by saying that I don't like musicals. It's just never made sense to me for people to be having a conversation one minute, and then singing and dancing their ass off the next. Nobody does that. Well, except sometimes gay people.

Let me also say right now that I love Meryl Streep. She is undoubtedly the best actress that has ever lived. And she can really sing. But kids, I don't need to see any 60 year old woman shaking her ass while singing ABBA songs, alongside two other 60 year old women also shaking their asses. I just don't.

I hate to admit this, but I liked ABBA a lot back in the 70's. I listened to them all the time on my eight-track player in my AMC Gremlin. It looked a lot like this:


And I wondered why I didn't get laid the entire decade...

So I was curious how they would incorporate the old songs into a movie. The answer turned out to be: very badly. For those of you that haven't seen this turd yet (which makes you much better off than I am), Meryl's daughter is getting married, but wants her long lost father to come to the ceremony. The problem is, Meryl was what the kids call a dirty ho back in the day, and could only narrow it down to three candidates.

Enter Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgard, and Pierce Brosnan. Nice looking gentlemen, I guess, but the casting director missed just one tiny little detail when she hired these fellas for their roles:

Not one of these fuckers can sing. Especially Pierce Brosnan. Holy shit, when he belts out "S.O.S.", it's like watching animals get tortured. Have you ever asked a woman when her baby's due, and then discover she's not pregnant? Watching Brosnan sing is that uncomfortable. I'll never be able to watch him playing James Bond again without remembering how much he sucked in this movie.

Anyway, I think at the end the guys decided to split fatherhood three ways, much the same way as they split Meryl Streep's hoo-haw when she was younger. At least I think that's how it ended- I was busy wrapping an extension cord around my neck and looking for some rafters.


So that's it, boys and girls. I know this isn't like most of you out there, but I'd really like to see some feedback on this. I just got to 30,000 hits on this site last weekend, and I've only been counting for 16 months, so somebody must be reading this shit.

Talk to me, Goose. Talk to me...

Dawgs Plow Through Ice Pack, 6-2

(Writer's note: Before I get started this week, I just wanted to send thoughts and prayers from Dawg Nation and every other twisted sucker that reads this blog to Jack Kelley and Danny Packard, two Dawgs players that are going through some pretty serious medical situations right now. We're thinking about you and we can't wait to get you both back out on the ice. So stop fuckin' around already and get back to where you belong, okay boys? Godspeed to you both.)

The Dawgs I squad bounced back from only their second defeat of the EAHL winter season last Tuesday night with a solid 6-2 win against the Ice Pack. The victory makes the Dawgs 8-2 as the season hits the halfway mark, and ties the team for first with Ozone, even though the good guys have played one less game.

Forward Nate Akell bounced back from missing last week's game due to excessive body hair, pouring in his sixth and seventh goals. Center Dan Pham, coping with the fact that he's not even the best player in his family, also knocked in two, plus Danny Packard banged in his seventh.

But the real story of the game was the return of defenseman Rick Zimmat, who survived a surgery that no man should ever have to endure, and managed to fire in his first goal of the season to help his team to victory.

And for the first time this season goalie Al Sterner saved more shots than he missed, somehow turning aside 33 out of 35, and lowering his goals against average to a lifetime best 4.2. The two goals given were a season low in the EAHL, and this week his game was certified by the Pope as a miracle.


"Fatta boy, you five hole is thisa big! Shutta you fuckin' legs!"

For the first time in awhile, the Dawgs came out of the gate firing on all cylinders, and connected for four goals in the first period. Packard opened just a couple of minutes in, and after the Ice Pack's Kyle Kube replied on a rebound goal, Akell drove home his first of the game to make it 2-1.

Pham opened his account for the game in the middle of the period, skating in on a breakaway and completely undressing Ice Pack goalie David Jess to give his team a two goal lead. Pham has been playing with less confidence for the past several weeks, distraught that his 15 year old brother Tyler can skate circles around him.

Now playing junior hockey in Illinois, the young Pham has recently made a verbal commitment to the University of Denver, where he'll play for one of the top college programs in the country.

To quickly summarize the brothers' current situation, Tyler is 15, has his whole life in front of him, will play Division I college hockey, possibly someday becoming a professional player. He will receive a free education from one of the finest institutions in the United States. In addition, because he is a hockey player, he'll be waist deep in co-ed ass before he unpacks his bags.

Older brother Dan Pham sells copiers. His life revolves around fantasy hockey. He gets laid only when he can get linemate Tyson Dale drunk.


Pham brothers (Tyler, left). Guess who's life is better?

Before the end of the period, the Dawgs were on a power play in the Ice Pack zone. The puck was sent back to the point, where Zimmat was waiting. He then wound up and fired a blast towards Jess, which was clocked from the stands at a whopping 23 miles per hour. The puck somehow eluded Jess and found the back of the net, and Zimmat had his first of the 2009 campaign.

The fact that Zimmat was even playing was a minor miracle. Just a few short weeks ago, he underwent surgery to remove several hemorrhoids, making for a painful recovery period. Fortunately, Zimmat was able to access the giant bag of weed that he takes with him to the bench before every game, making things much more comfortable.


Zimmat and "medicine"

During the second period, the Dawgs did everything they could to let the Ice Pack back into the game, taking penalty after penalty. The team spent at least half of the period shorthanded, several times with two men in the sin-bin.

The Ice pack could only capitalize once on a power play, when defenseman Zach Osborne, a former standout junior player, stepped into a drop pass at the top of the left faceoff circle, and hammered a blistering slapshot over Sterner's shoulder, hitting the underside of the crossbar before going into the net.

"I caught a break on that one", exclaimed Sterner. "That puck almost hit me! That would have (expletive) hurt. I think it would have been intent to injure!"

The game stayed at 4-2 going to the third period, but the Dawgs continued their parade to the penalty box, leaving the game very much in doubt. But with around eight minutes left, the contest completely changed when 19 year old Dawgs rookie Josh Adams got into a all-out brawl with Osborne, gamely hanging in with a player that clearly had experience in hockey fights.

The skirmish lasted well over a minute, mainly because both referees went to the Dallas Police School for breaking up fights:


Jump in there anytime, fellas...

When play resumed, the Ice Pack was down to eight men, and their best skater was in the locker room packing his bags for good, as he would subsequently be ejected from the EAHL. Adams received a two game suspension, and was grounded for two weeks by his mom when he got home.

Somehow the Dawgs ended up two men short after the scrap, but killed all the penalties without any damage. A couple of minutes later, Pham drilled his second of the game to pretty much put things out of reach at 5-2. Right near the end, Akell also knocked in his second for the final tally, and the Dawgs were back on the winning track.

This week, the boys have a return match against their pals and Dawg Nation charter members Cobra Kai. The teams have split two games this season, with Cobra Kai winning a few weeks ago by a 5-4 margin. Game time is 9:20.

In other Dawgs news:

Dawgs forward Shaun Hollis should return to action tonight after missing the past two games due to Post Concussion Syndrome. Doctors have determined that Hollis suffered from having too many testicles bouncing off of his chin.


Just go slower, son...

Dawgs captain Marty Richardson this week celebrated his ninth anniversary with his wife Cindy. He gave her the special gift of being able to have sex with a real man-namely Tito "The King" Pijanowski.


"Tito like happy trail. Point right at target-help very much."

Doctors were amazed last week, when they discovered that defenseman Rick Zimmat's hemorrhoids bore a remarkable resemblance to Dawgs forward Brad Stabio.

This one may be over the line, even for me...

The 10 Worst Movies Ever (Part One)

Earlier this year, I posted a list of songs that I considered to be the worst ever. If you want to revisit it, just archive back to February of 2009. It was fun, and I got some great feedback telling me I was an idiot, and Eric Clapton is God. Whatever...

The only regret I have on that list is that I didn't include the Alanis Morissette song, "My Hand In Pocket". She shrieks through that entire piece of shit, and some of the lyrics are:

"Cuz I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a piece sign!"

Just fucking attrocious. And she looks just a little bit like Mr. Ed, which doesn't help much.


Hey Alanis, why the long face?

Anyway, this last weekend I took my older kids to see the movie "Zombieland", and we had a ball. It had the regular blood and gore that you would expect in a horror movie, but it was really cleverly written, filmed well and funnier than shit. Best movie I've seen this year. Just a kick-ass way to spend a couple of hours.

(And yes, I do realize that I took a 13 and 14 year old kid to an R rated movie. Just a bunch of "F-bombs" and blood and guts- no nudity, so just settle down, okay? You may not want to believe this, but your kids say "fuck" when you're not around. They really do. So take a deep breath, and unclench your asses.)

Enjoying the movie that much, I started thinking about the times when I wasted two hours of my life watching a bad film. Believe me, there were a lot more of those than the good ones. So since I've been hurting for something to write about, and there aren't any spelling bees or beauty pageants coming up for me to make fun of, I decided to list 10 of the suckiest movies I've ever seen. If suckiest is a word...

Here we go...


10. Terms Of Endearment

Yeah, I know what you're thinking- "This guy is full of shit- this was an Academy Award winner". Just hear me out on this, okay?

If I'm going to plunk down $10 to see a movie, it works a lot better for me if I don't want to blow my goddamn brains out at the end of the show. The only bright spot in the whole movie was the fact that it was Debra Winger that died at the end. If she could have found a way to take Shirley Maclaine with her, that would have been even better.

Another one like that was "The Wrestler" with Mickey Rourke. Well written, really well acted, but just a complete bummer. I kept waiting for something good to happen, and it just kept getting sadder and sadder.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry, but that's not how I get movie enjoyment. I need stuff to blow up, dick jokes, and guys to fart on each other. I want to feel good at the end, and not anxious to go home and suck on the tailpipe of my car. Jesus...

9. Days Of Thunder

This stinker has Tom Cruise as a NASCAR driver named Cole Trickle, and Nicole Kidman as... wait for it...a brain surgeon. Not sure which one is more unlikely.

Cole is this cocky rookie who just drives by the seat of his pants, until he crashes, and he loses his nerve. But after much soul-searching, he finds his way again, and wins the big one in the end.

Any of that sound familiar? I imagine it does- it's the fucking plot for the movie "Top Gun". Tom was sort of in that movie four years earlier. The funny part is that Tom Cruise wrote the script for "Days of Thunder". Did he think that we'd forget? I'll bet he got out his old Top Gun script, whited out "Maverick", and wrote "Cole Trickle" over the spot when it dried. I'd bet the house on it.

And while we're on the subject...

8. Top Gun

I can hear you now at home, or in your office, or in your car looking at your Blackberry while you drive. Pay attention to the road, you unsafe wanker.

"I love that movie! Maverick rules! You're a dickhole!"

Just chillax for a second. I have a few problems with this little piece of cinema.

And I'm not a dickhole.

1) Kelly McGillis- Just hated her in this. Out of all the bombshells they could have gotten for that part, they picked Kelly Fuckin' McGillis? Bad bleach job, huge dark eyebrows, just...icky. Plus she's 5'10", which makes her exactly a foot taller than Tom Cruise. Not a good match.

He stood on a milk crate for this photo

2) Val Kilmer- He was so bad, Keanu Reeves thinks he was too stiff (we'll get to him in a little while). He must have thought "Ice Man" meant he shouldn't move a muscle in his face during the whole movie.

3) The music- I had a girlfriend at the time that played the soundtrack to the movie every day for two years. After a while, I really did want to "take her breath away". Literally. I think it was one of the reasons we broke up. That, and she was just awful in the sack. It was like bangin' a corpse, only she had less personality.

Wait...maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't perform as well as I should have.

Nah...I was only 28 years old. I was a kid. That's when I still had the Dick of Death.

7. The Day After Tomorrow

If you don't remember this turd, the entire northern hemisphere goes into an ice age because of some kind of global event that we caused by not hugging enough fucking trees. I'll bet the screenplay was written by a bunch of smelly hippies.

The bad part was this "killer cold snap". When the clouds parted, and it became clear outside, it would go from just freezing to really freezing, instantly killing every living thing. That "cold snap" chased Dennis Quaid around like it was the shark in "Jaws", and he kept just barely escaping sucking in that frigid gasp that would end the movie and my misery. Shit, at one point I went upstairs and stuck my head in the freezer, hoping that I could do myself in. Didn't work, but my tongue stuck to a bag of Green Giant baby peas.

The worst part was at the end, when Dennis and his family were safe, and they migrated to Mexico where it was warmer (given that choice myself, I would rather have become a human Bomb-Pop, but that's just me). There were these astronauts in the space shuttle watching the tragedy occur during the whole movie. Right in the final scene, when they showed the United States covered completely in ice, they looked at each other and said, "The air has never looked more clear".

Translation- "Stop polluting the atmosphere, you American bastards!"

Goddamn, I hate when movies try to preach to me. If I want some Berkenstock wearing, pony tail sporting, granola eating cockmunch telling me how to live my life, I'll move the 20 miles to Boulder, Colorado, thank you very much.

Fuckin' hippies...

6. Caddyshack II, Major League II, Slapshot II

Let's just get all these out of the way right now. These are just a few of the occasions where greedy bastards will take a perfectly great sports movie, and then completely destroy the franchise by writing a total piece of shit for a sequel.

I won't spend any time on Slapshot II. I think it went straight to DVD, it starred one of the jagoff Baldwin brothers, and it was just horrible. The Hanson brothers were all about 60 by the time they got to the sequel, and it was just sad.

Major League II was more disappointing, because they did such a terrific job with the first one. In the original, the language was realistic, the baseball plays were scripted real well, the music was tremendous (I still get chills when Jake Taylor steps up to the plate and points to the fence), and the story line was believable. It's one of my all time favorite movies.

In the second, they cleaned up the language so it wouldn't be rated R, and jacked up the whole thing. The baseball sequences sucked, Charlie Sheen's character turned into a dickhead, they wrote out my favorite character, manager Lou Brown, and the whole story line was weak. Just broke my heart. Then they had the balls to make Major League III, which was even worse.

But Caddyshack II was the sucker punch to the nuts. For me and a bunch of guys from my generation, the original Caddyshack is the holy grail of sports movies. It's been almost 30 years since it premiered, and my friends and I still quote lines from that film. We still yell "Miss it! Noonan!", in all sorts of different circumstances.

We still do Judge Smails impressions, like "you'll get nothing and like it", and "Danny, are you my pal?". We know the entire Bill Murray "Cinderella Boy" sequence, where he's tearing the tops off the flowers, word for word. I've seen it well over 100 times. Laugh my ass off every time.

So when Caddyshack II came out, and I found out it was written by the same guy, Harold Ramis, I was really excited. Now, I don't know if Harold was on the drugs, or in a coma, but the movie was just horrible. They had an entirely different cast (except Chevy Chase made an unfunny cameo), Jackie Mason tried to continue the Rodney Dangerfield role (nobody could ever match that), Dan Aykroyd was the new greenskeeper (except he used an annoying high voice), and they cleaned up the language again to get a PG rating. Never a good idea.

I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie being more disappointed. There weren't three good laughs in the whole thing. These days, I just make believe that movie never happened.

If you think about it, how many good sports sequels are there? Right off the top of my head, I can only think of one, but even that got fucked up later.

What movie was it? You probably already know, but let's keep you guessing until next time, when we go from shit movies five through one.

Dawgs Roar Back Late To Overcome Skanks

After a perfect 6-0 start to the winter EAHL season, the Dawgs I squad was staring their second straight defeat right in the face. In fact, they were a mere four minutes away, down 3-1 to the team that had knocked them out of the summer league playoffs, the Skanks.

It took 51 minutes, but the Dawgs found their offense just in time. They poured in three late goals, including Nate Akell's game winner with under a minute remaining, to steal a 4-3 victory. The win keeps the boys atop the league standings, with a 7-1 record.

Defenseman (sort of) Tito Pijanowski led the way for the Dawgs, putting in his second and third goals of the season, both of which were assisted by center Dan Pham, who bounced back after missing a game due to a gashed uterus. Danny Packard scored the other goal for the Dawgs on a delayed penalty in the third period.

The Dawgs' previous game had been postponed due to a mechanical issue at the Edge Arena, and that may have played a role in the sluggish performance against the Skanks. The bad guys got on the board early, when Spencer Tscherpel found the massive five hole of Dawgs goalie Al Sterner on a power play.




Pijanowski tied the game before the end of the period, but the Skanks regained the lead midway through the second, when Eric Allen skated in alone, and faked Sterner out of his cup, before depositing the puck into an empty net.

The game stayed at 2-1 until there were about eight minutes remaining in the third period, and the Skanks went on a power play due to the second silly retaliation roughing penalty of the game by Dawgs forward Matt McGarvey.


McGarvey

After a big scramble in front of the Dawgs' net, Sterner appeared to have the puck covered, and the whistle sounded from referee Mike O'Connell. A second later, Skanks forward Nick Wheeler poked the puck from beneath Sterner's glove, and into the cage. For reasons unknown, O'Connell chose to award the goal even though the whistle clearly blew, and the Dawgs were on the wrong end of a 3-1 score.

O'Connell's call

But instead of packing it in, the bad call seemed to light a fire under a Dawgs team that had not played real well the entire game. Pijanowski converted a nice Pham pass with a little under four minutes left to bring the boys back to within one.

"Tito only need one hand. Tito make score."

With around two minutes left, the Dawgs skated the puck up the ice on a delayed penalty. A shot was taken towards the net, and recent college graduate Danny "Intent To Injure!" Packard somehow forced the rebound past Skanks goalie Mark Jacobsen to tie up the contest.

So with less than a minute left in the game, it seemed like a shootout was imminent. But Pham found Nate Akell breaking out of the defensive zone, and he broke across the Skanks blue line with the puck. Just as he got to the top of the circle, he fired a wrist shot that found a way through Jacobsen's legs and into the net for the winner.

The road gets no easier for the Dawgs tonight, when they face second place Ozone at 9:30. Ozone is leading the EAHL in goals scored, averaging almost eight per game, but are coming off a loss to Dr. 5 Hole last week. A win could give the Dawgs a commanding lead in the league standings.

In other Dawgs news:

The Dawgs' game was postponed last week, but captain Marty Richardson found a new defenseman, when he signed a pylon that was on a bare spot in the ice. Richardson reasoned that it had more potential than Rick Zimmat, who was given his outright release.


New Dawgs D-Man

Dawgs forwards Dan Pham and Tyson Dale have pledged to continue wearing one purple sock as long as the team continues to win. Here they are shown modeling the socks before a recent game.


Dale, left

Nate Akell reported today that he won't be able to play tonight due to a strange illness. It was discovered that Akell saw the movie "New Moon" so many times last weekend, that he has begun to show signs of actually becoming a werewolf.

Akell

Dawgs defenseman Mike Abdella announced this week the birth of his second son. The baby has already taken on one of the traits of his father, sporting a faggity soul patch.


Little Abs

Just a few days earlier, Dawgs defenseman Chris Acuna also announced the birth of his son. The first few days were the worst, as the baby realized who his father is.

Yes you are...

This week Cindy Richardson welcomed an old flame, Philadelphia Flyer's wing Ian Laperriere, back to town in her own special way.

Be sure not to orphan the balls, Cindy...

Who's Better- Me Or My Kid?

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before in an article, but I have a son called Sam that plays goalie for Arvada Colorado Junior Hockey. He's 13, which makes him a first-year Bantam, for those of you that know about hockey age groups.

Come to think of it, the names of the age groups in hockey are a little bit strange. The small kids start out as "Mites", and when they turn nine, they become "Squirts". Two years later, they're "Pee Wees", then go to "Bantams" when they're 13. When they turn 15, they play in "Midgets", which is the last level for junior hockey.

I'm surprised there aren't levels called "Half Pints", "Shrimps", or "Little Fuckers". Whoever invented this system must have been some kind of problem with vertically challenged people. If that person happens to be reading this, I think I speak for small hockey players everywhere when I say... suck my balls.

Anyway, when Sam turned seven, he decided that he wanted to be like his old man, and try to play goalie one time. So we borrowed some of the equipment that they had down at the arena, strapped on the tiny little pads, and took him out on the ice. He got hooked straightaway, and he never wanted to do anything else. That was six years ago.

Fast forward to today. He's played on competitive travel teams for four seasons, and you know what?

This kid can fuckin' play.

I've had the pleasure of being his coach for the whole time he's been playing, mainly because goalie coaches don't exactly grow on trees, and most head coaches know jack-shit about the position. I fill a pretty nice niche.

So I've taught him everything I know, which took a grand total of about ten minutes, and have watched him get better and better as the years have gone by. But this season, he has dialed his game up to a whole new level.

(Writer's note: Here's the part where I'm going to brag on my kid for a minute. I realize it's annoying, but it gives some perspective to the rest of the article, plus it's my blogsite, so... you know, kiss my ass.)

The season's still early, but he's standing on his friggin' head (that's a hockey term for you gringos out there). He's played in one tournament and three league games (against the top three teams in the league, by the way), is saving 94% of the shots, and has a 1.6 goals against average. His latest effort came last Saturday, where we got outshot 33-11, and came away with a 1-1 tie. He totally stole a point for us. He's never played better in his life.

While we were driving home from that game, a few questions started running through my mind.

Is he better than me?

How does my game stack up against his?

Why do farts smell worse in the shower?

To answer those questions (except maybe that last one), I decided to break both of our games down by categories, and add up the check marks at the end. Nice and scientific, right? I was always real good at the book learnin'. Here goes:

1. Stature:

Sam- 4'11", weighs about 80 pounds. Just for comparison sake, our other goalie is 6'2", and weighs about 180. I know that's freakish for a 13 year old, but still, my guy is not real big. It's funny watching them together while they're doing drills at practice. Sam got completely and utterly fucked in the gene pool- nobody on either side of our families is over 5'8" fully grown. We're a short, round people, the Sterners.

SFG- 5'6", around a buck-seventy. I certainly cover more net. Let's hear it for girth!

Advantage:SFG

2. Health:

Sam- 13 years old. He can run all day long, and his legs are so strong, he could crack walnuts with his thighs.

SFG- Just turned 51. I get exhausted putting my skates on, and I couldn't crack an egg with my thighs. My knees feel like they've been beaten daily with a cricket bat.

Advantage:Sam

3. Fundamentals

Sam- He can get down in a pure "butterfly position", where his legs are together, and his pads stick straight out to each side. There is no "five-hole", which is a gap between his pads.

SFG- I can get into a butterfly position, but unfortunately the butterfly is in the "cocoon" stage. When I try to expand my pads to either side, my hip sockets make a sound like a rusty gate opening. You could drive an aircraft carrier through my five hole.

Advantage: Sam

3. Equipment

Sam- Has all the latest pads, including some sweet Nike/Bauer One-75 leg pads that match Arvada's colors (very similar to Boston). Just got in the glove and blocker- he looks and feels terrific.

SFG- I have a lifetime membership at Play It Again Sports. My pads are the Gump Worsley autograph model. Who's Gump Worsley, you ask?


He didn't need these pads anymore- he sort of dead

Advantage: Sam


4. Flexibility

Sam- Can do the full splits with his pads flat on the ice.

SFG- The last time I tried that, my scrotum ripped open, and one of my balls rolled out of my hockey pants. Took most of the second period to find it, and my voice has been up an octave ever since.

Advantage- Sam

5. Recovery Skills

Sam- He can get back up from his seat or his back simply by flipping his legs under himself and popping up to a standing position.

SFG- If I happen to end up on my back, I just wave my little arms and legs like a turtle, until one of my defensemen rolls me over. I wear one of those rescue buttons around my neck like the old lady in the commercial. The only popping I do is four Advils into my mouth before I play.

Advantage: Sam

6. Balance

Sam- He can do a smooth pad-slide across the crease going both ways, keeping his back nice and straight, thus covering more area of the net. He distributes his weight so that he always has equal balance on both legs.

SFG- My balance depends mainly on which knee hurts the most on a given night. When lefty hurts, then more weight on the right. I never know until I get to the rink which one it's going to be. Oh, and I pad-slide like old people fuck; which is slowly and badly, in case you were wondering.

Advantage-Sam

7. On-Ice Demeanor

Sam- If he gets scored on, he just fishes the puck out of the net, and gets ready for the next shot. He doesn't give up many softies, but puts them behind him very quickly. We goalies call that a "short memory". Stays very calm on the ice.

SFG- I die just a little bit every time I get scored on. I recall and am still pissed about every bad goal I've ever surrendered. That list is immense, by the way. Calm would not be the word I'd use for my behavior during a game.

Advantage: Sam

In a related topic:

8. Swearing After Being Scored On

Sam- Says "dang it" once in a blue moon. I heard him say "Jesus Christ" once.

SFG- I've invented 275 different phrases involving the word "cocksucker". I can swear for three minutes without repeating a word, and have done so many times as I've dug the puck out of my net. I'm not good at many things, but boys and girls, I can really swear.

Advantage- SFG (This probably shouldn't have been a category, but I needed a win, so there.)

Okay, let's just tally up the scores, shall we?

Sam has better equipment, fundamentals, flexibility, balance, recovery skills, and on-ice demeanor.

I'm fatter, and I can swear better than he can.

Hang on a sec while I get out my calculator...

Still working the numbers...

Yep, he's better than I am. Fuck, it's not even close.

Yeah, I can live with that...

Cobra Kai Sweeps the Leg- Defeats Dawgs 5-4

The Dawgs I squad experienced the bitter taste of defeat for the first time this season Tuesday night, when they went down to their good pals Cobra Kai, by a 5-4 margin. The good guys rallied all the way back from a 4-1 second period deficit to tie the score, but couldn't quite get over the hump in the third, surrendering the game winner with around five minutes remaining.

Cobra Kai forward and former Royal Canadian Air Force commander Jon Jay led the way for his team, netting two goals, including the game winner in the third.


Jay, left, heading into battle

For the Dawgs, young Michael Heaton scored his second and third goals of the season, keying the second period comeback that fell just short.

Shaun Hollis tallied for his second consecutive game, knocking in his fourth of the fall, while Danny "Intent to Injure!" Packard scored his fifth, and managed to play the whole game without rolling around on the ice like a giant pussy.


Packard

The Dawgs were playing several men short Tuesday night, missing some key players that might have helped change the outcome. Included were Chris Acuna (wife expecting any day), Nathaniel Akell (jail), Brad Stabio (making new documentary), Tyson Dale (suspended/anger issues), Dan Pham (gay), and captain Marty Richardson (out of country...and exceptionally gay).

Goalie Al Sterner gave it his all, but unfortunately these days Sterner gets to "all" much faster than he used to, and could not summon the reserve energy to keep the puck out of the net in the third period with the game tied at four.

The road doesn't get any easier for the Dawgs this week, when they face Dr Five Hole for the second time this season. The Dawgs prevailed in the last meeting 7-4, but Dr Five Hole has a high powered offense, which is scoring at almost eight goals per game.

In other Dawgs news:

This week the EAHL announced that in a special promotion, Tuesday they would honor Cobra Kai forward Jonathan Ripley by giving him his own Bobblehead Night.


Stop kicking my ass and I'll leave you boys alone, Rips...

This week forward/defenseman Brad Stabio missed the game in order to film an autobiographical documentary. In the film, he spikes his hair, puts on a sweet purple shirt with pink stripes, drinks way too much and experiences life on the other side of the fence. It's titled, "Stabio: Portrait of a Part Time Fag".


Nice lazy eye, Stabs...

18 year old Dawgs rookie forward Josh Adams attempted to eat pussy for the first time in his life this week. The experience was not all that he had hoped for.


"Was it good for you?"

While Dawgs captain Marty Richardson was in Europe this week, Dawgs II defenseman Eddie Cribbs stopped by to make sure Richardson's wife Cindy was doing okay. The visit lasted exactly 27 seconds.


"You're done? Really? Uh, next time, could you at least lift up my dress, Speedy?"

Even though he spent most of the week working, Richardson was able to spend some time at his favorite Amsterdam landmark.

Even wore a jumpsuit in case he got spooged on

Dawgs Melt Ice Pack- Stay Unbeaten

The Dawgs I squad kept rolling through the first half of the winter EAHL season last Tuesday night, with a solid 7-3 victory over the Ice Pack. They are now a perfect 6-0 on the new campaign, and maintain a four point lead on the Ozone, whom they defeated 9-6 last week.

The Dawgs continue to feature a balanced scoring attack, with six different players lighting the lamp. They were again led by the "Beast From the Far East" Dan Pham, who dropped back on defense due to the unexplained absence of Tito Pijanowski. He tallied two key goals in the second period, and helped keep the high scoring Ice Pack team in check with solid play at the blue line.

The other Dawgs scorers included Tyson Dale, who managed a pretty goal before getting into a rumble with the Ice Pack's Jason Gregory and being ejected in the first period, Shaun Hollis on a shorthanded breakaway, and Michael Heaton, who banged in his first of the season.

Rounding out the Dawgs' scoring were Nathaniel Akell, who just keeps plugging along, knocking in his fifth, and teen wonder Josh Adams, who also notched his fifth of the fall. Adams also made the defensive play of the game, clearing the puck off of the goal line after it had eluded goalie Al Sterner. Adams was later admonished by his fellow center Matt McGarvey for playing too much defense, and vowed never to let that happen again.


McGarvey, playing his standard defense

The Dawgs jumped out early, scoring the game's first three goals, and never really looked back. The Ice Pack scored in the first to close to within two, but Pham's two markers in the second put things pretty much out of reach.

Even though they scored eight goals the last time the two teams met, the Ice Pack didn't have the same firepower, and Sterner actually played with his head outside his ass this time, holding them to a season low.


Usually gives up at least this many

But there were some interesting occurences during the game. In the first period, while coming off the ice on a line change, defenseman Brad Stabio played the puck after his replacement had already come on, resulting in a two minute penalty.



Later in the period Tyson Dale was given a game misconduct for fighting with Jason Gregory, even though neither player dropped their gloves. This resulted in a one game suspension for Dale. A distraught Dan Pham vowed this week not only to wear Dale's mildly gay purple sock as a sign of unity, but also to wear Dale's protective jockstrap.


Pham's bulge will never be this big

In the second period, young Josh Adams received a ten minute misconduct after delivering a hard check along the boards. Linemate Dennis Heaton told Adams' mom, and Adams was given a "time out" after he got home.


Adams

Later in the second, forward Danny Packard was nudged from behind by an Ice Pack player, and rolled around on the ice like a Portuguese soccer player. As he protested no penalty being called, a high pitched squeal came from someplace other than his mouth. It was later determined that Packard had executed the perfect queef.




The Dawgs attempt to keep their unbeaten streak alive tonight when they play against their old pals and charter members of Dawg Nation, Cobra Kai. Cobra Kai won their first game of the season last week over Dr Five Hole, 8-6, and are always dangerous, featuring Canadian import Jonathan Jay. Not an intelligent man, Jay still hasn't quite learned how to breath from his nose.


Leave him alone- he's from "America Jr."

In other Dawgs news:

This week Dawgs captain and former fanny miner Marty Richardson went on a business trip to Amsterdam, Holland. He wasted no time in blending in with his new surroundings.

The hardest part was finding wooden shoes that small

Richardson's wife Cindy showed how she will be spending the week while Marty is in Europe.


Geez, Cindy, this was just way too easy