Family Night and Miss Universe

So a couple of weeks ago, my family expanded our horizons a little bit, and went international. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, we have a tradition of watching beauty pageants, and spending two hours goofing on the contestants. Both of my regular readers know all about this (see archives of May/2010, and April/2009). They are some of my favorite nights, because the jokes are flying everywhere, and since the kids have gotten older, the shit that comes out of their mouths just kills me. Miss USA was in May, and I'm just now recovering from that night.

But this is the first year that we've all watched the Miss Universe pageant. I'm not sure why- probably because it happens when all the kids' fall sports start up. And I was fired up big time, because with all the foreign skank, this had the potential of being really, really fun. This was another target-rich environment for jokes.

As usual, I decided to keep a running diary of the evening. And as usual, I need to say before we start that I know that we're a bunch of shitweasels that need to find another hobby. But kids, I double dare you to have more fun with your family than we have in these two hours. I do my best, but words cannot describe what happens in my basement during beauty pageants.

So grab your scorecards, buckle up, and shit-can any possible hope of political correctness. Here we go:

8:00- Hey, boys and girls! Welcome back to the Sterner basement fortress. We're here once again with my adorable wife Annie, who will try unsuccessfully to keep the really raunchy stuff to a minimum. My older boys Mike, 15, and Sam, 14, take their usual spots in front of the TV, where they can get a good look at the various bouncing body parts, and of course yours truly will be the chubby guy in the recliner, scribbling notes like a madman.

The pageant is back in Las Vegas this year, at the Mandalay Bay. They went to Mexico a couple of years ago, and the crowd booed every time the poor USA girl came on stage. I'm surprised they didn't throw bags of piss at her, like they do at the Mexico-USA soccer games. Just a terrific country, that Mexico. If North America needed an enema, guess where it would be given?

They're starting the pageant by introducing all 83 contestants, and they're wearing costumes that represent their countries. This is going to be fun- in fact, I'm so excited, I just got a semi-chub. At my age, that's about all I can generate.

I'll just describe a few of the best, since these diaries always end up being a longer read than War and Peace.

Botswana- The first African nation introduced, and she's wearing some kind of native head-dress. Mike comes right out of the gate by making three clicking sounds, and then "Good evening-I have AIDS!" We're not two minutes in, and I have to stop the DVR for the first time to laugh until I cry like a little girl. New record (and yes, I'm very aware that we're assholes).

Egypt- Wearing a pyramid on her head- no shit. Looks like Susanna Hoffs in Walk Like An Egyptian.


Mmmm...Susanna Hoffs...

France- Has a beret and the Eiffel Tower on her head. Jesus, could you be a little more cliche? All that's missing is the white flag and an unfiltered cigarette in her hand. Goddamn, I hate the French...

Georgia- Not much of a costume, but Sam says, "She should be wearing a luge outfit, with blood all over it". Because, you know, of the guy that jumped the track at the Olympics? Too soon? I don't care- it cracked me up. Bite me.

Jamaica- She's wearing a giant butterfly costume, except that there's not much covering her body. Mike calls her a "slutterfly". Here she is:



Tanzania- Another colorful native costume, and she's carrying a gourd. Sam says, "I'll bet all of her nation's money is in that gourd". I'm a little bit proud- at least it wasn't another AIDS joke. It was a poverty joke, so there.

Turkey- Looks and dresses a lot like Lady Gaga, complete with the butter face. I have to stop the DVR for a moment while the kids and I once again argue about Lady Gaga. They think she's uglier than a sackful of assholes (my dad's old saying, thank you), but I submit that she's a homely girl with a rockin' body. A one-bagger, if you will. Let's just move on...

USA- Mike's girl Rima Fakih from the Miss USA pageant- she's sporting an outfit that looks like a gold coin. I can't believe we've never capitalized on her last name before (Fakih- me? Fakih-You!). I think we're slipping a bit.

8:15- Well, that nonsense is finally over, and it's time to meet our hosts. This is important- they've had some really annoying ones the past few years (see:Billy Bush). They come out- it's once again Natalie Morales from the Today Show (not too bad- she's cute), and...Bret Michaels?


Fuck...me...

This is going to be bad- we can feel it. He's wearing his Hulk Hogan doo-rag and squinting to see the cue cards. They're out there for 10 seconds before Natalie nudges him that it's his turn to speak. Long two hours coming up here, kids...

8:20- Okay, they're going to cut the group down to the top 15, This has to suck for the other 68 contestants, because they're on TV for like five seconds, and then they're down the road. But if you think about it, in most of those countries, it's either the middle of the night (Europe, Asia), or they don't have TV's there (Africa). So, I guess...fuck 'em.

Here are the highlights of the top 15:

Puerto Rico- She's tall, blonde, and skinny. No way in hell she's Puerto Rican. Shit, I look more Puerto Rican than she does.

Mexico- This is Mike and Sam's pick to win it all. She is beautiful, except she borrowed Priscilla Presley's eyelashes from the 60's. They're freakishly long. It shows how old I'm getting, when the first thing I notice on a gorgeous woman is her eyelashes.

Ireland- Stop the presses! Here's my pick right here. Also, I think Mike may have changed his mind. He cups his hands and speaks into then like he's on a PA system. "Calling Dr. Boner! Dr. Boner, please report to my pants...". DVR pause again- I spit out a mouthful of Diet Pepsi and laugh like a jackyl for two minutes.

South Africa- We all make the sound of those goddamn horns from the World Cup, and I get to bring out one of my favorite movie lines of all time, spoken by the bad South African guy from Lethal Weapon 2. He holds his badge up, and yells, "Diplomatic immunity!", right before Danny Glover shoots him in the head. I say it every time I see a South African, which makes Annie want to shoot me in the head. (See right below this article for the clip)

Jamaica- The Slutterfly got through! She'll now ask all the remaining contestants if she can braid their hair for $10, or if they want to buy some of her useless bullshit trinkets. I had a bad experience in Jamaica a few years ago. Won't be going back to the island anytime soon.

And for the first time I can remember, there is no Miss USA in the top 15! Holy cow, Rima must have farted in front of the judges- that's the only way she doesn't advance. I think we got Fakih'd on that one.

8:35- We're back from commercial, and Bret Michaels is staring off into space. Natalie literally elbows him to shock him back to reality. You can tell that she's not enjoying her experience with a burned out 80's singer. I'll bet he's the most annoying person she's worked with since Katie Couric.

Fuck, I hate Katie Couric...

Okay, boys and girls, it's swimsuit time!

And tonight, they're going to be strutting to the sounds of "Viva Elvis!", which I guess is a new show out there in Vegas. Uh-oh, there's that semi-chub again. Ladies and gentlemen, please start your impersonations and dead Elvis jokes!

C'mon, sing with me kids- its' fun! "Viva...fat dead Elvis...."

Okay, here's Miss Puerto Rico. I still say she's really from Canada- no way she's a native. You tell me:

Miss Ukraine is okay, but she has that Eastern European quality about her. You know, pretty but a little bit hagged out? Here she is:

Maybe I've just been getting too many emails from Russia that have a picture and a marriage proposal. Shit, I'm not taking any of those seriously until the kids get out of the house. After that, who knows? My children could have a 19 year old stepmom named Svetlana.

"Viva...drug addiction...."

Here comes Miss Australia- tall, pretty, but smaller up top than most of the other contestants. This prompts Mike to tell me, "Dad, girls are like rocks. You want to skip the flat ones". I've never heard that one- DVR pause again while I giggle for a minute.

Jamaica appears, and the Slutterfly forgot to apply the butt glue. Or maybe it was on purpose. Whatever, the tiny swimsuit is currently riding way, way up there. Kids, that is one hungry ass! She'll need the jaws of life to free up that wedgie.

"Viva, white jumpsuit...."

Here's Albania, and wow, this girl has amazingly large boobs. As she's walking down the runway, I turn the DVR to super-slow motion, and it's like a seismic event with every step. I start making rumbling sounds- you know, like when Godzilla stomps down the streets of Tokyo? I say, "Can you imagine doing a motorboat with those?"

Mike says, "Dad, don't worry about it. You're so old, all you can do these days is run to the end of the chain and bark". After taking a moment to ask my oldest son if he wouldn't mind kissing my fuzzy ass, I look over, and Annie has her head in her hands, and her whole body is shaking because she's laughing so hard. I tell her to shut the crap up.

"Viva, dyin' on the shitter..."

It's Mexico's turn- yeah, she's really good looking. Mike and Sam reiterate that they think she's going to win. I'm reserving judgement until I see my girl from Ireland. Speaking of which...

Here she comes. She is a vision in her tiny, Donald Trump inspired bikini. She's blonde, and proportioned just right. As she walks down the runway, I imagine her wearing the crown. She's the winner- no doubt about it.

Wait a second...

Annie sees it first. She says, "Oh no- she's got a cameltoe!" As she gets closer to the camera, it becomes more and more apparent. But boys and girls, this is no ordinary cameltoe. There is something major going on down there. The bulge is huge. I'm talking "Crying Game" here, guys.

We run it back and forth a few times, and I stop the DVR at just the right moment. Mike runs over to the TV, points to the spot, and in the same voice as the guy that announces the monster truck rally, yells:

"CAMEL HOOF!!"

9:00- It's been 15 minutes. The kids have literally had time to go upstairs and get a snack. I'm almost 52 years old, and aside from that time my older brother Dale got hit in the nuts with a golf ball, this might be the hardest I've laughed in my entire life. I am an absolute quivering mass in my recliner. My shirtsleeves are wet from wiping tears out of my eyes, and my stomach feels like I've done a hundred sit-ups. I was not expecting "camel hoof" in the monster truck voice.

I'll try to watch the rest of the pageant, but I'm pretty much done. Everything else is going to be anticlimactic. I'm still rooting for her, but I'm certain I won't be looking at Miss Ireland the same ever again.

Okay, they're cutting down to the top 10. Here we go:

Ireland- Way to go, camelhoof! She's 5'11", and her hobbies are playing the piano, and tucking in her junk.

Albania- She counts as two spots- one for her, and one for her gigantic knockers. There's a word you don't hear much any more. I'm bringing it back. Knockers.

Phillipines- She's 5'9", and her hobbies include picking up American soldiers while they're on shore leave. Love you long time, Joe...five buck.

Jamaica- She's 5'10", and she likes kickboxing, self wedgies, and selling worthless shit to tourists. Yeah, I'm still bitter. Could have been a nice vacation.

Puerto Rico- 5'8", and enjoys acting. She's currently acting as if she was born in Puerto Rico.

Ukraine- 5'9"- 22 years old. No fuckin' way she's a day under 40. That's a big fibski right there, comrade.

Guatamala- 5'7", and loves designing handbags. Her 12 little brothers and sisters are hard at work right now, sewing together those handbags for 23 cents a day.

South Africa- The boys and I make the horn sounds again. I didn't think she'd make the top 10- I say that she must have gotten...DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY! Annie tells me to shut the fuck up.

Australia- Who says you need boobs to make the top 10? She's 5'10, and looks a lot like Miley Cyrus. The boys and I decide that we're calling her Hannah Australia for the rest of the pageant.

Mexico- No question- she's the favorite now. She's 5'9", and Sam says "her hobbies are swimming across rivers and climbing fences". Nice illegal immigration reference, Sam. I'm so proud right now, I could just shit.

They're heading to break, but not before Bret Michaels says, "the ladies will stoon step into their evening gowns". Yep, he said "stoon". You can actually hear Natalie Morales' ass clench up. It's 6/5 she offs herself before the end of the show.

9:15- Evening gown time. Nobody likes this part- this is way too cultured for assholes like us. They will be accompanied by a special medley by superstar John Legend. We take a quick survey in the basement, and nobody knows who the fuck John Legend is. We already miss Trace Atkins from the Miss USA pageant.

Miss Ireland has a nice outfit, and it actually manages to hide The Hoof. No small feat, that one. God help me- I can't stop wondering what the hell is happening down there in Crotchland. This will haunt my dreams for the foreseeable future. She may be Irish, but I'll bet it's not magically delicious in that region.

Puerto Rico comes out in a pink gown, with a giant bow in the back. I say it's a preview for the size of her ass the moment she turns 30.

Mexico- Beautiful red gown- she'll have to screw this thing up giant to lose tonight. She's the Barbaro of beauty pageant contestants. Wait- that's a bad example. I just fed my dog a can of Barbaro this morning.

Here's Hannah Australia. Nice outfit- booby fairy didn't come during the commercial. Bummer, mate.

Whoa, the fairy came for Miss Guatamala. She's wearing a really, really tight gold gown- boobage is seeping out all over the place. Those ninos are mucho grande.

The rest of the girls do their thing, but nobody really stands out for us. The one thing we all agree on is that John Legend sucks. He should change his name to John Cougar Mediocre.

9:30- Time to quickly introduce the judges. Most of them are either fashion people, or Trump minions. But there's Billy Baldwin, who looks like he's still on the drugs, Chyna Phillips of Wilson Phillips fame, who used to be great looking but now resembles Skelator, and magician Criss Angel. The kids and I all yell "MIND FREAK!" at the same time. We may be spending too much time together.

9:35- Kids, we're down to the final five! They are:

Mexico- Gee, no shit.

Phillipines- If this keeps up, she may be charging 10 buck to love you long time.

Ukraine- If she wins, she's going to have to confess to Trump that not only is she not 22, she has kids that are 22.

Jamaica- Hungry Butt Slutterfly is still here. The boys sing Buffalo Soldiers as she walks to her spot. Reminds me just how much reggae sucks, and what a bad experience I had in Jamaica.

Hannah Australia- She was also Miss Congeniality, which normally is the Kiss of Death for beauty contestants. We'll see if she can break the jinx.

That's five, which means that my "girl" Miss Ireland is history. I'm disappointed, and I feel so...dirty.

9:45- Time for the final question. This is the only place that Mexico can mess this thing up, and she has to go first.

She gets the question from American figure skater Evan Lysacek, who has slicked back hair and looks like Gay Superman.

See?

He asks about whether unfiltered internet use should be allowed. She doesn't speak English, so she launches into a long answer that lasts around 30 seconds. The interpreter then steps in and says, "she says the parents should teach good values". I don't know what happened to the other part of her answer- only the interpreter and 98% of the workers in Vegas know what she said. Dammit, why can't the whole world speak American?

(Writer's note- If the internet ever gets filtered, I'm out of business.)

Australia- Nicky Taylor asks if religious clothing should be banned in schools, and Hannah gives a very well thought out response about personal freedoms. I'd say she has a good chance to win after that answer, but alas, still no boobies.

Jamaica- Someone named Tamryn Hall asks about whether she agrees with the death penalty. She says she's against it, unless it happens to be an American that doesn't buy her beads and shit. Okay, I made that last part up.

Ukraine- Jane Seymour, who is still knockout gorgeous at age 59, asks whether the new scanners at airports show too much of the travelers body. Ukraine seems relaxed, probably because she and Jane are the same age. She says she doesn't mind, but that's easy for her to say- she has a nice body. Personally, I don't want to see an image of my chubby ass on a video screen, but that's just me.

Phillipines- Billy Baldwin snaps out of his coma long enough to ask her what was her biggest mistake. Sam says "Other than being born in the Phillipines?". She said she's never really made a big mistake- comes across really arrogant. Bye, now...

9:55- We're ready to announce the final winners, and then Natalie Morales can take Bret Michaels backstage and hit him with a chair until he has another stroke. Bret Michaels was a very bad idea, Trump. Don't ever do that again.

Drumroll, please...

4th runnerup: Phillipines- snotty answer about never making a mistake killed her. She'll have to keep her price at five buck.

3rd runnerup: Ukraine- she overachieved. I don't think she should have been in the top 10. She has a good shot at being Miss AARP, though.

2nd runnerup: Australia- I was hoping she would do better. But alas...you know the rest.

That leaves Jamaica and Mexico. I'm not a fan of either country, so I officially don't give a shit anymore. But the boys have liked Mexico since the original Parade of Nations, so let's see if they called it right...

Yep, it's Mexico. I guess Mike and Sam have bragging rights until next year. Actually, Mike called both Miss USA and Miss Universe correctly- I think he's the first in our family to do the double. That makes him either a great judge of beauty, or a giant poof. I think it's the latter.

So there you go, boys and girls. Thanks once again for spending some time with us warped bastards. I think this is the most fun I've ever had for one of our "family nights"- I hope I was able to convey the carnage that is our basement during a pageant.

Oh- just one more thing...

CAMEL HOOF!