I've Got Man-Crushes, and I Don't Care Who Knows

Okay kids, I have to get something off my chest. I'm happily married, I have four kids, and I'd like to think I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. Having said that, I've got a man-crush on three dudes, and it's time I told both of you who read this shit.

1. Arnold Palmer- This is not a new thing- I've loved Mr. Palmer for a lot of years. I've always said that if I ever get the chance, I'm going to have him sign my man-cleavage in permanent marker. I'm not kidding.

There was a time when I was a halfway decent golfer before little league sports completely dominated my free time (had the handicap down to six, which ain't too shabby for an old fat guy), and he was the guy I wanted to emulate.

And it wasn't because of his golf. I started playing seriously around 1980, and by that time he was pretty much at the end of his PGA career, and had moved on to the Senior Tour. It was the way he handled himself, on and off the course, that made me want to be like him.

The man signs every autograph, poses for every picture, and never takes his fans for granted. He has more money than God, but you'd never know it by the way he acts. If you look up the word class in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Arnold Palmer. He's 81 years old now (same age as my dad, by the way), and my greatest wish is to shake his hand before he goes to the big 19th hole in the sky.




2. Justin Timberlake- Yeah, I know, I'm a rump ranger. But hear me out on this, okay? I don't give three shits about his music, although Rock Your Body is a pretty kicky song. What I like about him is that he isn't afraid to make fun of himself, which is absolutely the best quality a celebrity can have. Or anyone, for that matter.

If you've seen any of his appearances on Saturday Night Live, you know exactly what I mean. He has no shame- he'll dress in a turkey costume, an old lady outfit- he even put on a leotard and high heels to back up Beyonce during a skit where they were shooting a video.

But the highlight for Timberlake had to be where he goofed on his In Sync roots, and shot a video with Andy Samberg called Dick In a Box. If you haven't seen it- where the hell have you been? Get over to Hulu as soon as you can- it's really funny, along with the two sequel videos they made later.



He's humble, he's funnier than shit, and he got to drop the hammer on Jessica Beal for a couple of years, so there. Anybody that gets to do that is aces in my book.

3. Timmy Thomas- I've liked him for a long time, but he made my man-crush list this year. And there are a variety of reasons.

First, we have a little bit of a physical resemblance. We're both short, bearded, old and chubby. Also, we have similar styles of play, in that we both scramble and flop around on the ice a lot. Now, he flops because he has the ability to stand right back up and get himself back into play. I flop around because once I go down, I'm like a turtle on it's back. I just kick my little legs until one of my defensmen turns me over on my belly.

In an era where most of the goalkeepers are 6'3" or better, this guy is a throwback to a different time. He's listed at 5'11", but I'd bet the house that he isn't over 5'9". As proof, just scroll down my blog to where he fought Carey Price earlier this season. Price is listed at 6'3", and just towers over Thomas.

Second, Timmy is the absolute model of perseverance. After a decent college career, the guy bounced around the minor leagues and in Finland because he couldn't land a job in the NHL. He finally started playing regularly for the Bruins when he was 32 years old. That's a hell of a long time to wait for your shot, but he wanted it that bad.

Then two seasons ago, after winning the Vezina Trophy for being the NHL's top goalie, he hurt his hip and lost his starting job to a sieve named Tuukka Rask, who promptly choked away a three game lead against Philadelphia in the playoffs. Thomas was 36, and it looked pretty much like the end of the line for being a starter. Instead of accepting that role as a backup, he had surgery on his hip and worked his ass off to regain that number one spot.

Then this season, after taking just a few games to put Rask's ass back on the bench, Timmy set a record for save percentage in a season, and absolutely carried his team on his back to a Stanley Cup over a more talented Vancouver squad. He gave up eight lousy goals in seven games. He won another Vezina, and was the oldest player ever to win to the Conn Smythe Award (playoff MVP), at 37.



So we're similar in stature (not so much, talent-wise), and I can't help but admire the shit out of how hard he's worked for his success. But that isn't really why I love Timmy Thomas. For me, it's the way he conducts himself on the ice, and with his teammates.

If you looked closely during the Stanley Cup Finals, he always had a smile on his face. It didn't matter if he was winning or losing- you could see that shit eating grin on his bearded grill the whole time. He just looked like he was enjoying the experience so much, the game situation was almost secondary.

Plus, he's the perfect teammate. He constantly pumps up the guys in front of him, and encourages them when they make a mistake. As a result, they fuckin' love the guy. They'll throw themselves in front of pucks to block shots, and if anyone from the other team touches Timmy after the whistle, there are about three guys up his ass.

And even at the broken down old age of 52, that is the kind of teammate I'm striving to be. I've gone through periods, because I'm so goddamn competitive, where I've barked at my friends on the team when they've made mistakes, and lost sleep when I've fucked up. And I'm not proud of it at all. I wish I had a do-over on a lot of that shit.

It's taken a long time, but I'm finally getting to the point, as I get near the end of the career, where I'm really enjoying the experience, and having a bunch of fun with my buddies. I can't remember the last time I yelled at a teammate, and I'm going out of my way to tap a guy on the ass with my stick when he makes a good play. And even better, I'm going out of my way to tap a guy on the ass when he messes up, which is when he needs it more.

So there may be hope for my wrinkled old ass after all. I really believe a more positive outlook has improved my game, and I'm almost certain I'm more enjoyable to be around. If an old, short fat goalie in the NHL can be a great teammate, then an old, short fat goalie in the beer league can be one as well.