The 10 Worst Movies Ever (Part One)

Earlier this year, I posted a list of songs that I considered to be the worst ever. If you want to revisit it, just archive back to February of 2009. It was fun, and I got some great feedback telling me I was an idiot, and Eric Clapton is God. Whatever...

The only regret I have on that list is that I didn't include the Alanis Morissette song, "My Hand In Pocket". She shrieks through that entire piece of shit, and some of the lyrics are:

"Cuz I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a piece sign!"

Just fucking attrocious. And she looks just a little bit like Mr. Ed, which doesn't help much.


Hey Alanis, why the long face?

Anyway, this last weekend I took my older kids to see the movie "Zombieland", and we had a ball. It had the regular blood and gore that you would expect in a horror movie, but it was really cleverly written, filmed well and funnier than shit. Best movie I've seen this year. Just a kick-ass way to spend a couple of hours.

(And yes, I do realize that I took a 13 and 14 year old kid to an R rated movie. Just a bunch of "F-bombs" and blood and guts- no nudity, so just settle down, okay? You may not want to believe this, but your kids say "fuck" when you're not around. They really do. So take a deep breath, and unclench your asses.)

Enjoying the movie that much, I started thinking about the times when I wasted two hours of my life watching a bad film. Believe me, there were a lot more of those than the good ones. So since I've been hurting for something to write about, and there aren't any spelling bees or beauty pageants coming up for me to make fun of, I decided to list 10 of the suckiest movies I've ever seen. If suckiest is a word...

Here we go...


10. Terms Of Endearment

Yeah, I know what you're thinking- "This guy is full of shit- this was an Academy Award winner". Just hear me out on this, okay?

If I'm going to plunk down $10 to see a movie, it works a lot better for me if I don't want to blow my goddamn brains out at the end of the show. The only bright spot in the whole movie was the fact that it was Debra Winger that died at the end. If she could have found a way to take Shirley Maclaine with her, that would have been even better.

Another one like that was "The Wrestler" with Mickey Rourke. Well written, really well acted, but just a complete bummer. I kept waiting for something good to happen, and it just kept getting sadder and sadder.

Fuck that.

I'm sorry, but that's not how I get movie enjoyment. I need stuff to blow up, dick jokes, and guys to fart on each other. I want to feel good at the end, and not anxious to go home and suck on the tailpipe of my car. Jesus...

9. Days Of Thunder

This stinker has Tom Cruise as a NASCAR driver named Cole Trickle, and Nicole Kidman as... wait for it...a brain surgeon. Not sure which one is more unlikely.

Cole is this cocky rookie who just drives by the seat of his pants, until he crashes, and he loses his nerve. But after much soul-searching, he finds his way again, and wins the big one in the end.

Any of that sound familiar? I imagine it does- it's the fucking plot for the movie "Top Gun". Tom was sort of in that movie four years earlier. The funny part is that Tom Cruise wrote the script for "Days of Thunder". Did he think that we'd forget? I'll bet he got out his old Top Gun script, whited out "Maverick", and wrote "Cole Trickle" over the spot when it dried. I'd bet the house on it.

And while we're on the subject...

8. Top Gun

I can hear you now at home, or in your office, or in your car looking at your Blackberry while you drive. Pay attention to the road, you unsafe wanker.

"I love that movie! Maverick rules! You're a dickhole!"

Just chillax for a second. I have a few problems with this little piece of cinema.

And I'm not a dickhole.

1) Kelly McGillis- Just hated her in this. Out of all the bombshells they could have gotten for that part, they picked Kelly Fuckin' McGillis? Bad bleach job, huge dark eyebrows, just...icky. Plus she's 5'10", which makes her exactly a foot taller than Tom Cruise. Not a good match.

He stood on a milk crate for this photo

2) Val Kilmer- He was so bad, Keanu Reeves thinks he was too stiff (we'll get to him in a little while). He must have thought "Ice Man" meant he shouldn't move a muscle in his face during the whole movie.

3) The music- I had a girlfriend at the time that played the soundtrack to the movie every day for two years. After a while, I really did want to "take her breath away". Literally. I think it was one of the reasons we broke up. That, and she was just awful in the sack. It was like bangin' a corpse, only she had less personality.

Wait...maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn't perform as well as I should have.

Nah...I was only 28 years old. I was a kid. That's when I still had the Dick of Death.

7. The Day After Tomorrow

If you don't remember this turd, the entire northern hemisphere goes into an ice age because of some kind of global event that we caused by not hugging enough fucking trees. I'll bet the screenplay was written by a bunch of smelly hippies.

The bad part was this "killer cold snap". When the clouds parted, and it became clear outside, it would go from just freezing to really freezing, instantly killing every living thing. That "cold snap" chased Dennis Quaid around like it was the shark in "Jaws", and he kept just barely escaping sucking in that frigid gasp that would end the movie and my misery. Shit, at one point I went upstairs and stuck my head in the freezer, hoping that I could do myself in. Didn't work, but my tongue stuck to a bag of Green Giant baby peas.

The worst part was at the end, when Dennis and his family were safe, and they migrated to Mexico where it was warmer (given that choice myself, I would rather have become a human Bomb-Pop, but that's just me). There were these astronauts in the space shuttle watching the tragedy occur during the whole movie. Right in the final scene, when they showed the United States covered completely in ice, they looked at each other and said, "The air has never looked more clear".

Translation- "Stop polluting the atmosphere, you American bastards!"

Goddamn, I hate when movies try to preach to me. If I want some Berkenstock wearing, pony tail sporting, granola eating cockmunch telling me how to live my life, I'll move the 20 miles to Boulder, Colorado, thank you very much.

Fuckin' hippies...

6. Caddyshack II, Major League II, Slapshot II

Let's just get all these out of the way right now. These are just a few of the occasions where greedy bastards will take a perfectly great sports movie, and then completely destroy the franchise by writing a total piece of shit for a sequel.

I won't spend any time on Slapshot II. I think it went straight to DVD, it starred one of the jagoff Baldwin brothers, and it was just horrible. The Hanson brothers were all about 60 by the time they got to the sequel, and it was just sad.

Major League II was more disappointing, because they did such a terrific job with the first one. In the original, the language was realistic, the baseball plays were scripted real well, the music was tremendous (I still get chills when Jake Taylor steps up to the plate and points to the fence), and the story line was believable. It's one of my all time favorite movies.

In the second, they cleaned up the language so it wouldn't be rated R, and jacked up the whole thing. The baseball sequences sucked, Charlie Sheen's character turned into a dickhead, they wrote out my favorite character, manager Lou Brown, and the whole story line was weak. Just broke my heart. Then they had the balls to make Major League III, which was even worse.

But Caddyshack II was the sucker punch to the nuts. For me and a bunch of guys from my generation, the original Caddyshack is the holy grail of sports movies. It's been almost 30 years since it premiered, and my friends and I still quote lines from that film. We still yell "Miss it! Noonan!", in all sorts of different circumstances.

We still do Judge Smails impressions, like "you'll get nothing and like it", and "Danny, are you my pal?". We know the entire Bill Murray "Cinderella Boy" sequence, where he's tearing the tops off the flowers, word for word. I've seen it well over 100 times. Laugh my ass off every time.

So when Caddyshack II came out, and I found out it was written by the same guy, Harold Ramis, I was really excited. Now, I don't know if Harold was on the drugs, or in a coma, but the movie was just horrible. They had an entirely different cast (except Chevy Chase made an unfunny cameo), Jackie Mason tried to continue the Rodney Dangerfield role (nobody could ever match that), Dan Aykroyd was the new greenskeeper (except he used an annoying high voice), and they cleaned up the language again to get a PG rating. Never a good idea.

I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie being more disappointed. There weren't three good laughs in the whole thing. These days, I just make believe that movie never happened.

If you think about it, how many good sports sequels are there? Right off the top of my head, I can only think of one, but even that got fucked up later.

What movie was it? You probably already know, but let's keep you guessing until next time, when we go from shit movies five through one.