Come to think of it, the names of the age groups in hockey are a little bit strange. The small kids start out as "Mites", and when they turn nine, they become "Squirts". Two years later, they're "Pee Wees", then go to "Bantams" when they're 13. When they turn 15, they play in "Midgets", which is the last level for junior hockey.
I'm surprised there aren't levels called "Half Pints", "Shrimps", or "Little Fuckers". Whoever invented this system must have been some kind of problem with vertically challenged people. If that person happens to be reading this, I think I speak for small hockey players everywhere when I say... suck my balls.
Anyway, when Sam turned seven, he decided that he wanted to be like his old man, and try to play goalie one time. So we borrowed some of the equipment that they had down at the arena, strapped on the tiny little pads, and took him out on the ice. He got hooked straightaway, and he never wanted to do anything else. That was six years ago.
Fast forward to today. He's played on competitive travel teams for four seasons, and you know what?
This kid can fuckin' play.
I've had the pleasure of being his coach for the whole time he's been playing, mainly because goalie coaches don't exactly grow on trees, and most head coaches know jack-shit about the position. I fill a pretty nice niche.
So I've taught him everything I know, which took a grand total of about ten minutes, and have watched him get better and better as the years have gone by. But this season, he has dialed his game up to a whole new level.
(Writer's note: Here's the part where I'm going to brag on my kid for a minute. I realize it's annoying, but it gives some perspective to the rest of the article, plus it's my blogsite, so... you know, kiss my ass.)
The season's still early, but he's standing on his friggin' head (that's a hockey term for you gringos out there). He's played in one tournament and three league games (against the top three teams in the league, by the way), is saving 94% of the shots, and has a 1.6 goals against average. His latest effort came last Saturday, where we got outshot 33-11, and came away with a 1-1 tie. He totally stole a point for us. He's never played better in his life.
While we were driving home from that game, a few questions started running through my mind.
Is he better than me?
How does my game stack up against his?
Why do farts smell worse in the shower?
To answer those questions (except maybe that last one), I decided to break both of our games down by categories, and add up the check marks at the end. Nice and scientific, right? I was always real good at the book learnin'. Here goes:
1. Stature:
Sam- 4'11", weighs about 80 pounds. Just for comparison sake, our other goalie is 6'2", and weighs about 180. I know that's freakish for a 13 year old, but still, my guy is not real big. It's funny watching them together while they're doing drills at practice. Sam got completely and utterly fucked in the gene pool- nobody on either side of our families is over 5'8" fully grown. We're a short, round people, the Sterners.
SFG- 5'6", around a buck-seventy. I certainly cover more net. Let's hear it for girth!
Advantage:SFG
2. Health:
Sam- 13 years old. He can run all day long, and his legs are so strong, he could crack walnuts with his thighs.
SFG- Just turned 51. I get exhausted putting my skates on, and I couldn't crack an egg with my thighs. My knees feel like they've been beaten daily with a cricket bat.
Advantage:Sam
3. Fundamentals
Sam- He can get down in a pure "butterfly position", where his legs are together, and his pads stick straight out to each side. There is no "five-hole", which is a gap between his pads.
SFG- I can get into a butterfly position, but unfortunately the butterfly is in the "cocoon" stage. When I try to expand my pads to either side, my hip sockets make a sound like a rusty gate opening. You could drive an aircraft carrier through my five hole.
Advantage: Sam
3. Equipment
Sam- Has all the latest pads, including some sweet Nike/Bauer One-75 leg pads that match Arvada's colors (very similar to Boston). Just got in the glove and blocker- he looks and feels terrific.
SFG- I have a lifetime membership at Play It Again Sports. My pads are the Gump Worsley autograph model. Who's Gump Worsley, you ask?
He didn't need these pads anymore- he sort of dead
Advantage: Sam
4. Flexibility
Sam- Can do the full splits with his pads flat on the ice.
SFG- The last time I tried that, my scrotum ripped open, and one of my balls rolled out of my hockey pants. Took most of the second period to find it, and my voice has been up an octave ever since.
Advantage- Sam
5. Recovery Skills
Sam- He can get back up from his seat or his back simply by flipping his legs under himself and popping up to a standing position.
SFG- If I happen to end up on my back, I just wave my little arms and legs like a turtle, until one of my defensemen rolls me over. I wear one of those rescue buttons around my neck like the old lady in the commercial. The only popping I do is four Advils into my mouth before I play.
Advantage: Sam
6. Balance
Sam- He can do a smooth pad-slide across the crease going both ways, keeping his back nice and straight, thus covering more area of the net. He distributes his weight so that he always has equal balance on both legs.
SFG- My balance depends mainly on which knee hurts the most on a given night. When lefty hurts, then more weight on the right. I never know until I get to the rink which one it's going to be. Oh, and I pad-slide like old people fuck; which is slowly and badly, in case you were wondering.
Advantage-Sam
7. On-Ice Demeanor
Sam- If he gets scored on, he just fishes the puck out of the net, and gets ready for the next shot. He doesn't give up many softies, but puts them behind him very quickly. We goalies call that a "short memory". Stays very calm on the ice.
SFG- I die just a little bit every time I get scored on. I recall and am still pissed about every bad goal I've ever surrendered. That list is immense, by the way. Calm would not be the word I'd use for my behavior during a game.
Advantage: Sam
In a related topic:
8. Swearing After Being Scored On
Sam- Says "dang it" once in a blue moon. I heard him say "Jesus Christ" once.
SFG- I've invented 275 different phrases involving the word "cocksucker". I can swear for three minutes without repeating a word, and have done so many times as I've dug the puck out of my net. I'm not good at many things, but boys and girls, I can really swear.
Advantage- SFG (This probably shouldn't have been a category, but I needed a win, so there.)
Okay, let's just tally up the scores, shall we?
Sam has better equipment, fundamentals, flexibility, balance, recovery skills, and on-ice demeanor.
I'm fatter, and I can swear better than he can.
Hang on a sec while I get out my calculator...
Still working the numbers...
Yep, he's better than I am. Fuck, it's not even close.
Yeah, I can live with that...
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